It's been awhile but here it is: Chapter 14. Enjoy!

Chapter 14

"Do you?"

Those two words had been going on and on in his head for the last two hours. Of course it had crossed his mind, but he had never really thought about it. He had always assumed that Doug wouldn't do that to him. But how could he be so sure? Doug was a good person yes, but good persons could do horrible and wrong things. And Doug had told him himself that he had been drunk, so anything could have happened. There was a big possibility that Doug did go further than Ste had presumed he did. That he had done more than Ste had seen him do. Maybe they had gone further. Maybe they had kissed, maybe they had done even more...

When he thought that, his fork fell clattering on his plate.

"Ste!" He looked up, right into the eyes of Amy: "Are you alright?"

Ste looked at his kids who were sitting next to him, both with a plate full spaghetti.

Ste swallowed and said: "Yeah, I'm fine. Have a lot going on in my mind right now, that's all."

Amy looked searching at him, but she presumably realised he didn't want to talk about it, not when the children where there. As if he wanted to talk about it, when he was alone with Amy. What was he supposed to say then? "Hi Amy, guess what, my boyfriend presumably cheated on me and I, dickhead that I am, never thought about that possibility. I only thought about it when Brendan mentioned it. Brendan, my ex, whom I, by the way, love again, or rather never stopped loving in the first place, asked me that question today. And since that, that question haven't left me alone. O, and I ran so much into Brendan today, that I've got the feeling that my heart and head are ready to explode, because I long for him so much. If I see him one more time today, I'm sure that, that is going to happen. So you could say that I am completely happy with my life right now." Yeah, that would be really nice and Amy would love to hear that.

The worst part was, that it probably would always be guessing what really happened, cause Doug would probably never remember what happened that night. And he wasn't sure if he could live with that. With the doubt, the unknowing. Brendan shouldn't have said that. Then none of this would have happened. Then he wouldn't go out of his mind right now.

Ste pricked in his food. It wasn't really fair to blame Brendan though, in the end he would have thought about it himself. It always had been the case, that if something had happened, something he didn't like, he blamed Brendan. Maybe because he knew Brendan could bare that blame, others couldn't. Brendan could, he always had.

Just like today, he had been angry with Brendan, not only cause he couldn't blame Brendan for sleeping with another guy but also cause he had a fight with Doug, cause he was angry with Doug. It was just easier to be mad at Brendan, just because he knew Brendan wouldn't really care if he blamed him or was angry with him.

Although Brendan had really gotten on his nerves today. It was hard being around him so much. He was always amazed about how his body reacted at Brendan's presence. When he saw Brendan he had the feeling he could cope with the rest of the world, although all of these feelings he had for Brendan, scared him most of the time.

He knew Brendan was stalking him. By the first three meetings of this day he hadn't really thought about it, but in the shop that thought had just popped up in his head. Knowing Brendan, it was a real possibility he was stalking him, he could do something like that. And in the park he had known for sure: Brendan was stalking him. That thought didn't make him as concerned as it should make him. And if he was really honest to himself, he kind of enjoyed it, being around him. Just talking, like they used to do.

In his own way Brendan was always there for him. He could be very annoying and make Ste jump through the roof of frustration, but like he was in the park, the hug, the flirting, Ste loved that. He had wished that, that could last forever. But it couldn't. Of course it couldn't. There was too much standing in their way. Sometimes Ste wasn't even sure if he would ever be ready to let Brendan in completely. Because even though he admitted to himself that he loved Brendan, didn't mean he trusted Brendan again. But maybe today was, in a weird way, a good start.

Ste was pulled back to reality, when he heard Amy's voice:

"You can go and play kids," Amy said: "I need to talk to daddy for a moment, yeah?"

Ste swallowed uncomfortable, from the moment Amy had been home, he had known she wanted to talk to him. Before diner, he had been able to avoid her questions, but he knew he wouldn't get out of it so easily now.

Leah and Lucas nodded their heads, glided from their chairs and left the room, Amy called after them: "Mommy will be there in a minute," before she turned to Ste with a look that made him cringe a little:

"What was that with Brendan in College Coffee earlier?"

Ste sighed, he didn't want to have this conversation: "We just talked."

"Don't act like I'm stupid Ste, because I'm not," Amy said, sounding frustrated.

"I would never do that and it was really just a talk."

"Why would you talk to him anyway, I thought you hated him."

"I never hated him," Ste answered weary, he saw Amy's eyes widen before she said:

"But you don't love him, right?"

He looked at Amy and he knew, he couldn't tell her the truth. She would only try to talk him out of it, not like that would have any effect, considering he tried to talk himself out of it ages ago and that didn't quite work. So he said:

"I don't love him." So it was a lie, but only to have some peace, for once that day. He had had enough fights for one day, ironically almost all of them had been with Brendan.

Amy looked relieved at him and he started to feel a little guilty, so just to wander off the topic, he said: "I just think he is stalking me."

"You think he's stalking you? Why would you think that?"

"Well, before I saw him in college coffee, I saw him when I got to work this morning and later he visited me in the Deli and after I left you in College Coffee, I saw him in the shop." For some reason he left the park out of it.

Amy frowned and said: "Just because you see him all the time doesn't mean he is stalking you, Ste."

Really! So she believed him when he had lied and now he was telling the truth she didn't believe him?! Great!

"I just think it can't be coincidence to see someone that much," He tried to make his voice sound a little worried, but that didn't quite work, more the opposite, his voice sounded lighter than it should be, considering he was being stalked by his ex, who was considered a psycho by half the village.

Amy stood up and took the three empty plates of the table, Ste noticed he hadn't eaten anything from his plate, so he took a few bites, in the meantime Amy said: "You live in the same village. Of course it can happen. I have to admit it is a little strange, but you told me that he has left you alone for the last three months, so way would he suddenly change that?" Her voice was a bit muffled because she had walked into the kitchen.

"I don't know," Ste answered, with his mouth full.

"Well did you ask him?" Her head appeared through the opening towards the kitchen.

"No," Ste replied, wondering why he didn't, maybe because he was too busy looking into Brendan's eyes all the time, he really had to stop doing that, it made his head go blank. Although he had to admit Brendan had beautiful eyes.

"Then ask him the next time you see him," Amy said.

"Yeah, maybe," Ste muttered to himself. He got up, took his still half full plate from the table and walked into the kitchen: "Let me do the dishes, then you can go check on Lucas and Leah."

"Alright, but you promised you would read them a story before you go, remember?"

He totally forgot he had somewhere to go this evening. He had promised to meet Cheryl in the dog at the pond. But now Amy had reminded him, he actually was looking forward to it. It was always nice to catch up with Cheryl. And then he could also ask her if Brendan had given her that salad yesterday.

"Of course I remember."

"All right," she looked at him from the side: "Just promise me you won't let Brendan mess with your head again."

"Yeah okay."

"Promise me Ste," Amy looked very serious: "I mean it, promise me."

Ste sighed: "I promise."

"Good," saying that, she left the room.

Technically he hadn't lied, Brendan wouldn't mess with his head again, because he already had.

xXx

Brendan sat on a bar chair in Chez Chez. He knocked back his drink and reached for the bottle of whiskey to pour himself another glass. This time he only took a sip.

The club was filled with people and although Brendan usually wasn't bothered by that, he was irritated about it now. The people made so much noise that he couldn't even hear himself think! He growled frustrated and took another draught of his whiskey. The bitter truth was that his frustration didn't follow from the fact that there were too many people, but from the fact that the only person he wanted to see at this moment was not here.

Brendan slid his, now empty, glass from one hand to another. The condensation from the glass left a humid track behind on the bar. He followed the route of the glass with his eyes. It had an almost hypnotic effect. Almost…

But soon the movement began to bore him and he gripped the bottle of whiskey and poured himself another glass.

It was his fifth…. or maybe his sixth. Not that it mattered.

He lifted his glass on eye- level and brought the liquid with a slight wrist movement in motion. He slid the whiskey to the brim of glass and just before the whiskey would run over the brim, he moved his wrist slightly the other way, so no drop of the sacred drank would be wasted.

Brendan stared intensely at the undulating movement in his glass. If you just looked long enough, you could almost see a familiar form in the glass. A form that suspiciously resembled two eyes. Two gold eyes that looked just as intense back at him. Gold eyes which were normally blue. A deep blue. Eyes, which could show more emotions then should be possible. Eyes, which could look at him with anger, sadness and fear, but also with respect, excitement and passion.

Steven's eyes.

Brendan put his glass of whiskey with a bang on the bar. The whiskey ran over the brim and over the bar, but Brendan didn't notice. He had already left the club.

xXx

"So."

Ste looked up inquiringly: "So?"

Cheryl looked at him, smiling, and said: "How's life?"

Ste thoughtfully took a sip of his beer and answered: "Been better."

"Wanna talk about it?" She asked.

He shook his head. "Not really, no."

Cheryl gave him a curious, but non-judging look.

Ste sighed. "Sometimes I just wish that my life wouldn't be so complicated. That it would be a little bit easier."

Cheryl laughed and took a sip from her wine. "Believe me, when your life is easy you wish for it to be more complicated. Sometimes complicated can be hard but it can be exciting too. It can be good too. An easy life is boring. Complications really make life exciting. There are moments when it seems like you can't get through all those complications. Like you can't get through all the layers of pain and darkness that make life so hard, but when you get through that pain, when you get through that darkness, maybe, just maybe you will see a glimpse of something good, something special. Something that will make that pain and darkness seem unimportant. Something that will make it worth it, everything. It is worth it when you see that special something. And although most of the time that special something will be hidden by that darkness, on certain days, when you least expect it, you will see a glimpse of that most special thing. And when everything is hard and painful and it seems like it will never get better, you'll just have to think about that special thing and it will all seem worth it again. Because you know that, that special thing exists. That special thing that is only visible for you. For no one else but you. Only for you. And it will be enough. It will always be enough. No matter what. It is enough."

An image of Brendan filled his head when Cheryl talked and he stared into his glass. Behind that darkness there is something special. Something that is only visible for you. Ste let his mind wander off to their meeting in the park this afternoon. The way Brendan had acted there… It had been different, somehow Brendan had seemed lighter, almost in a good mood. Ste had to smile at that thought. Brendan never had a good mood. And yes, they had spent most of their time fighting, but that was just their way off interacting. Those fights didn't really matter. The moments between those fights, they were what mattered. And today they really had shared a lot off these moments. It seemed like-

"Ste."

Ste heard someone calling his name and he blinked furiously to break through the blur in his head and get back to reality.

"Ste."

He pointed his eyes at Cheryl, whom was looking at him with concern. "Is everything alright?"

"Sure," he said trying to sound reassuring. He smiled at her and said: "That was deep."

She smiled a bit embarrassed. "I have no idea where that came from."

Ste chuckled, trying to hide his confusion. "We all have our moments. Anyway, I'm going to the toilet."

He rose from his chair and headed for the toilets. On his way he passed Darren who gave him a greeting nod. Ste smiled back politely.

Ste opened the door and walked inside. The room was dimly lit and there was a thin layer of water on the floor. Ste looked at his reflection in the large mirror which hung above the sinks. He looked tense and confused. Just the way he felt. Ste walked towards the sinks and put the tap on. He threw some water in his warm face and let his arms rest on the edges of the sink, his head bent. In vain he tried to banish Cheryl's words out of his mind.

Ste heard the door of the toilets open and close, but didn't pay any attention to it. It makes it all worth it. Because you know that that special thing exists. Was Cheryl right, was it all worth it? Was Brendan all worth it? Ste wished he knew. He heard footsteps, which held still next to him, by the sinks. Cheryl was right about one thing though: an easy life was boring. Life could better be a little exciting. Anyway, he needed to get back, before Cheryl started to wonder what took him so long.

Ste turned off the tap and looked up. Right into the mirror. Right into two blue eyes that looked at him intensely.

Waaaaaaah

Ste had already taken three shocked steps backwards, before he realized what he was doing and sprang to a halt.

Ste stared in shock into the mirror. Brendan's reflection looked mildly amused back.