AN: This is crack, or perhaps a parody.

Kosmikophobia

Fear of Cosmic Phenomena

Ion storms. These two, relatively short, words strike fear into the hearts of all the crewmembers of the Enterprise. Ion storms are dangerous; they can destroy a starship given the right conditions. But that isn't the main reason why Sickbay floods with stressed, terrified crew every time they near an ion storm. They bring to mind memories, memories of events they'd all rather forget.

At first they thought that ion storms where only issues when they were using the transporter at the same time. Like the time when Doctor McCoy, Commander Spock, Lieutenant Uhura and the Captain ended up in the universe with all the evil versions of themselves and were swapped for said versions. Or the time when somehow, strangely, every parallel universe's James Kirk ended up aboard the Enterprise. Then they discovered that ion storms tended to damage the transporter. This was discovered after Captain Kirk was split into two, bad Kirk and good Kirk. The hypothesis was reaffirmed when Doctor McCoy and Commander Spock switched bodies and almost as good as a certainty after Chekov and an unfortunate Science Officer were fused into one consciousness, temporarily creating an extremely, extremely intelligent individual. Captain Kirk joked that he may not split them back, as they were a lot smarter combined. He regretted that soon after. It seems highly intelligent beings are not to be joked with.

In the end, it was discovered that transporters in use or not, ion storms still do very strange things. Even when you're just flying through them. This was discovered after the entire Alpha Shift Bridge Crew were changed into animals and confirmed after they were sent hurtling through time. Though the first was a pain, the second was educational. They managed to brush up on their 20th century history, who knows if it might come in handy one day?

So it is with great trepidation that they approach this latest ion storm. What weird things will happen this time? Will they awake to find themselves as children? Or Klingons? Or holovid stars? The Crew have kosmikophobia after all. In the words of Commander Spock, given their experiences, it is perfectly logical. Captain Kirk has a thought though.

'You know, why do we always have to go through them? Why not around? I mean, we've got the best Pilot and Navigator in the Fleet, why can't they think of something?'

Sulu and Chekov exchange glances.

'Vy didn't ve zink of zat?'

'I don't know. It's almost as if we were made to go through them, by some kind of greater power.'

'Vell, life vould be a lot less exciting eef ve vent around, Keptain. So I guess ve have to go straight through.'