SEVEN YEARS LATER, A NEW-NEW GUY.
How did I get into paper? Selling, you mean. Well, I graduated from Cornell-I'm sure you've heard of it-and had thought of med school, but the sciences freak me out. Organelles sound like an old Buddy Holly band, and an endoplasmic reticulum-leetle bit gay? I think so.
Nana gave me my inheritance early-as an investment, as my pals in my a capella group, "Here Comes Treble" we thought we could do a demo, a sort of Lawrence Welk comeback. But Colton and Trey, they ran off with the money. I was all "Guys I invested this in our future."
The law? I tried being a paralegal, but Uncle Trevor-I worked for him, he's a circuit judge-yelled at me when I made mistakes.
See I get a bloody nose when things are tense, and I ran it all over some of his papers. Uncle Trev said being a Bernard might be enough (With my SATs) to get into Cornell, but in good conscience, he could not recommend me to law school.
I asked if I could still work in his office, and Uncle Trev said he would resign from being a judge and from the practice of law before he'd let me stay another day-and he pointed out that we're rich, I didn't really need to work, but I do, you know? I'm old fashioned. I have to be independent. So I called my mom, and told on Uncle Trev.
Mummy really yelled at Trev, , and to calm her down, he got someone to hire me at the Albany Dunder-Mifflin, I sent a beer in an Inter-Office Envelope, and someone didn't like that, so I was transferred to Stamford, and now we've been absorbed by Scranton.
When I was at Stamford, the deal with my boss Josh was, I didn't have to try and sell, but I needed to stay out of his hair...this new place is different. Michael Scott, the manager here says he sees great things in me.
At Stamford, the women were bitchy and frigid, and the guys kind of cliquish? I remember that from boarding school.
The guy I came over with, Jim Halpert-I call him "Big Tuna"-he ate a tuna sandwich his first day, and guys bond over nicknames-mine at Andover was "Pancake Face"-not sure why-but I wanted to be friends with Jim.
But here at this office, where he originated, in Scranton, I expected him to introduce me to his crew of guys, we could hang out together the way I've seen people do in movies. But Jim doesn't hang out with guys, and after meeting the other guys, I may understand.
Creed's senile, Dwight showed me 12 ways to kill a guy with a pencil, and Kevin picked an M&M that was stuck to my shirt and ate it. I figure to get ahead, I can fuzzy up to Michael Scott...pretty smart? I already got him to let me do his laundry instead of Dwight...this is how Cornelius Vanderbilt started!