"You're never going to make it."

"If you don't stop now, you're going to get seriously injured."

"Fetch, Mr. Snuffalufagus!"

"Shut up, Caboose."

"California, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Carolina yelled up at Cali, who was one-third of the way up the canyon wall, wearing only her casual clothes, using her bare hands to climb.

"I'm getting my turtle!" California yelled down to her in response. "He was the last thing my real parents gave me before they died, and he's been my best friend since I was three. I'm not just going to leave him behind!"

"Exactly how did she get that far without anyone noticing?" Wash asked York.

"Trust me, guys, once she's gotten her mind set on something, she's going to do it." York sighed.

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"Tucker!" Church yelled. "She's only eighteen, she's about half your age!"

"So what? That's past the age of consent." Tucker deadpanned. "Jesus Christ, I was joking."

"Do you realize that you could die if you fall from there?!" Carolina fumed. "What were you thinking?"

"Oh please, mom. I survived talking to three Beliebers at once, I think I can handle this. Caboose!" California yelled.

"I'm on it!" Caboose yelled, rushing to stand directly beneath her. He held his arms out to catch her if she fell. Gizmo stood perched on his shoulder.

"Hey Cali!" Sarge hollered. "Would you mind falling on top of Grif and killing him? That would be great."

"Sarge, I'm not even underneath her." Grif pointed out.

"That's right, you aren't. Only lazy guys go on the bottom. Bow-chicka-bow-wow. Oh, wait-"

"Tucker!"

"Seriously, if you just jumped away from the cliff face and shifted a little to the left, you'd be doing us all a huge favor. Don't worry about getting injured, because his ridiculously enormous amount of body fat will completely break your fall!"

"Actually, sir, I don't think that that would be the case at this height. She would probably break something, or a few somethings, for that matter."

"He doesn't look that fat to me," California yelled.

"Thank you!" Grif motioned with his hands.

"If anything, he looks like my uncle Stella." She continued.

"WHAT?" Grif yelled. Simmons burst into laughter.

"Hey, don't make fun of him!" California retorted. "He was a perfectly good drag queen."

"What the hell is happening right now?" Wash sighed, shaking his head.

"I'm almost there…" California said, reaching the edge of the cliff. "I did it!" She whooped, standing at the top. "Beat that, motherfuckers!"

"It's not too late to jump on top of Grif, missy!" Sarge hollered.

"Just stop." Grif sighed.

"Yeah, Sarge, it's bad enough that he looks like a drag queen." Simmons snorted.

"Hey, is there any porn on that ship?" Tucker yelled to California.

"Tucker!"

"What? It's a perfectly logical question." Tucker said. "Seriously, if there's any copies of Playboy magazine up there, feel free to give them to me!" He yelled again.

"I don't know about that, you should ask York. All I have are old copies of Cat Fancy and Nintendo Magazine." California yelled back. At that, Carolina turned to face York, arms crossed, a murderous look on her face.

"What are you looking at me for?" York chuckled nervously. "She just said that because I'm a guy. I don't actually have porn."

"Oh right, he only has normal pictures of Carolina," California corrected herself. "Duh." Carolina's eyebrow raised.

"Hey Cali," York called out.

"Yeah?" Cali replied.

"If you find a gun up there, can you do me a favor and shoot me with it?"

"Dude, I lost my memory bringing you back to life. I'm not gonna kill you." California snorted. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna go get my turtle now." She said, beginning to jog.

Suddenly, a shadow loomed overhead. Something big blocked the sun. California stopped dead in her tracks. A small ship began to descend into the canyon. It wobbled and bucked wildly, like a bumblebee in flight. With a loud thud, it landed next to the Reds and the Blues.

"What the fuck?" A voice could be heard saying.

"Who's that?" York and Carolina asked Washington at the same time, Carolina a bit more demandingly.

"I have no idea, we don't have anyone scheduled to make a drop-off," Wash replied, scratching his head.

"I do, dirtbags." Sarge chuckled. "Men, our reinforcements have arrived!" He cackled maniacally.

"Woo," Grif cheered halfheartedly. They all watched as two people stumbled out of the carrier. One was wearing pink armor with purple trim, and the other was wearing yellow armor with orange trim. The pink one collapsed like a sack of bricks the second their feet touched solid ground, while the yellow one walked straight up to the crowd that had gathered around the ship.

"Which one of you is the one called 'Sarge'?" A feminine voice demanded, with a slight Indian accent.

"That would be me," Sarge said, stepping up in front of her. "What's your name, girlie?"

Back straight as a plank, she saluted stiffly, saying "Era Ride, reporting for duty, sir!"

"Oh great, another kiss-ass." Grif mumbled under his breath.

"Permission to say two things, sir?" She said, breaking her salute.

"Permission granted." Sarge replied. Era took in a deep breath before continuing.

"One- call me 'girlie' again, and I break every bone in your body." She said, no expression in her voice. It was impossible to tell if she was joking or not. "I respect you as a commanding officer, but that won't stop me from getting even."

"Noted." Sarge said, having a bad feeling about this girl. She had a dominant personality, and she was headstrong. That much he could tell, just from the way she was standing. He was torn between berating her and standing down.

"Two- I don't know who you are, orange guy, but I can already tell that I'm not going to like you." She growled. "Call me a kiss-ass again, and I'm castrating you."

"Permission granted." Sarge grunted.

"Sarge!" Grif said.

"I'm liking you already, Private Ride." Sarge chuckled. "Who's your friend?" He said, pointing at the figure writhing on the ground like a snake having a seizure.

"That, sir, is Private Sherri Coleman." She said with a straight face, although nobody could tell because she was wearing her helmet. "The reason she's like that is because she has severe motion sickness."

"But she's on solid ground now," Simmons pointed out.

"It takes a while to wear off," She replied.

"Can't… breathe…." Coleman gasped, grabbing at her helmet, trying to remove it and failing. She flailed about, grasping at her neck.

"For the love of God, will someone just walk over there and help her?" Grif yelled at anyone who would listen.

"I got it!" Donut said, jogging over to Coleman. He helped her rip the helmet off. When he did, Coleman was still choking on air.

"I-in… in…" She choked out.

"Is she having an… asthma attack?" Wash asked.

"I-in… inha…" She stuttered.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SPIT IT OUT!" Grif screamed.

"INHALER!" She screeched, arms flailing about. "St-Storage compartment!"

"Oh, you mean this?" Donut asked, holding a small red inhaler. He gave it to her, and she immediately put it in her mouth and pressed down twice.

"Thanks," She said, gasping for breath. She looked up at Donut, who had ended up holding her up. "Hey, you're kinda cute."

"Thanks! Hey, are those adult braces?" He asked excitedly. "Man, I love people with braces!"

"How the hell did that hot mess get into the army?" Grif whispered to Simmons.

"I don't know, and hey! Having asthma doesn't make you any less of a soldier." Simmons said. "I had asthma as a kid. Also, what are you complaining about? She's really hot. She's like, uh, a younger Reese Witherspoon."

"I call dibs." Grif said.

"What? You can't call dibs!" Simmons said.

"What? You have Vonnie. California said she knew how to track her down and that she'd help you, even after you acted like a grumpy toddler to her when you were jealous that she made such a good impression on Sarge."

"So what? I have no idea if that's gonna work out! You get the Indian-sounding chick, because I need a good backup. I think we all know which of the two of us deserves the hot blonde." Simmons snapped. "And you're just saying that because she fed you pancakes!"

"That may as well be true, but at least I can actually talk to girls." Grif snorted.

"Ugh, fine, you can have her." Simmons relented. "I'm just going to die alone, then." He fake-sniffled.

"Oh, suck it up, pussyfest." Grif snorted again.

"Fuck you."

"Wait, did she just call Donut cute?" They said at the same time.

"Uh, guys?" Wash said. "Would you mind explaining to us what's happening?"

"Simple. Command decided we need more men, so they sent us these two." Sarge said, hands on his hips, feet shoulder length apart, beaming.

"What, Chokey and the Indian Tex?" Tucker snorted sarcastically.

"Actually, they're here because I called Command and told them that there weren't enough chicks here to talk to." Donut spoke up.

"What?"

"I mean, Carolina is great and all, but she never talks about the chick stuff. The fun chick stuff, like fashion and rainbows and unicorns." Donut said. "What?" He asked, when he realized that everyone in the canyon was staring at him. A cricket could be heard chirping in the background. Even Gizmo and Caboose were silently staring at him.

"…Anyway, would you care to introduce yourselves?" Ride coughed. She walked over to the ship, where Donut and Sherri were sitting. As she approached, Donut helped Sherri up. They shook hands.

"I'm Franklin Delano Donut, at your service." Donut said, bowing. Sherri tried curtsying, and said "Thank yo-" before promptly tripping over herself and falling to the ground. Donut laughed, while everyone else stood in awkward silence.

"Here, let me give you a hand." He laughed, holding out his hand. Sherri grabbed it, and hauled herself up.

"Thanks," she breathed.

"I'm Captain Dexter Grif," Grif said, shoving Simmons to the side as he took Sherri's hand and shook it.

"Assho-" Simmons began, then realized Sherri was looking directly at him. "Uh… uh… m-my name is… uh… Private-er, Captain Dick- oh God I meant Richard- wait, Captain Richard 'Dick' S-Simmons." He stuttered, averting his gaze. "God dammit."

"Smooth talking, Romeo. Nice going." Grif snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up."

"And that's basically everyone you need to know." Sarge chuckled.

"Ahem?" Carolina said, hands on her hips. She glared at Sarge.

"Fine, you can meet these people too." Sarge grunted, sighing.

"I'm Agent York, and this is Agent Washington." York said with a charming smile.

"I'm California, and the aqua girl is York's girlfriend!" Cali yelled from the top of the cliff. She was sitting down, her feet dangling over the ledge. She was holding an old, worn out stuffed turtle. "And this is Taco!"

"Seriously?" Carolina asked York, giving him a pointed look.

"Haha, don't be silly, Cali." He chuckled nervously. "This is Agent Carolina, and she's not my girlfriend."

"Oh, I'm not, am I?" Carolina glared at him.

"Wait, what? I thought you didn-" He said, confused, only to get cut off.

"That's not what I meant. What I meant was that it would have been nice of you to check with me before calling me your girlfriend." Carolina sighed.

"Oh." York said, dumbfounded. "It would have been that easy?"

"What do you mean, 'easy'?" Carolina growled.

"How did she walk the ten miles to the ship and back so fast?" Washington asked, only to be ignored.

"A-a-anywayyyy," Tucker said. "I'm Captain Lavernius Tucker. I'm the Love Doctor in this here canyon, so you can feel free to swing by my office and feel my 'concealed weapon.'"

"Tucker, what did I say about your sexual innuendos?" Church growled. Then, he sighed. "Hi, I'm Leonard Church. I'm Carolina's AI." Then, everyone turned to look at Caboose, the only one who hadn't yet introduced himself. He was busy scratching Gizmo behind the ears and cuddling him, so he didn't notice.

"Caboose, would you care to say something?" Carolina said gently.

"Huh?" Caboose said, caught off guard. He held Gizmo in mid-scratch.

"Is there something you'd like to say to these two ladies?" Wash asked.

"I don't know…" Caboose said. "Girls tend not to like me."

"I don't think anyone likes you, Caboose." Tucker said.

"I like you," California yelled from the cliff.

"Really?!" Caboose yelled, ecstatic. "Yay!"

"Uh, dude? Do you have any idea what you may have just gotten yourself into?" Tucker asked California. "He tends to kill the people that he likes."

"It's true, he's killed me like, five times, and he calls me his 'best friend.'" Church stated.

York looked at Carolina and Wash. "Uh, is this good or bad?"

"Honestly, I have no idea." Wash shook his head.

"I think she should give him a try," Carolina said simply, surprising everyone around her, except for Caboose, who was too giddy with glee to notice.

"What?" York and Wash said at the same time, looking at each other.

"What? I gave you a chance, didn't I?" Carolina teased York.

"Are you seriously comparing him with Caboose?" Wash asked, dumbfounded.

"Do you have a problem with that?" Carolina glared.

"Nope. Not at all. Carry on." Wash said quickly. He always had to be careful about these two.

"Uh, not to ruin your touching moment, but you still haven't introduced yourself." Grif said awkwardly.

"Oh, right. Uh yes. Yes, uh. Yes. Yes, my name is Michael, yes. Michael J. Caboose. Yes." He said to Sherri and Era.

"Right, now that that's settled-"

"Cali, do you want to, uh. How do I say this…." Caboose said, scratching his head. "Uh, yes. Yes. Do you, uh, want to… go out… sometime?"

"Sure!" California shouted down at Caboose.

"Uh… what the fuck just happened?" Grif asked Simmons.

"Did Caboose just… get a girlfriend?" Simmons asked Grif.

"Hey Caboose, can you do me a favor?" California shouted.

"Like what?" He asked.

"Hold your arms out," She yelled. And with that, she jumped backwards off of the cliff.