Hi guys, it's Pandora. As a warning, this chapter contains the fallout from a car crash including a miscarriage.
The news of Kyouya's engagement appears in the newspaper soon after: 'Yoshio Ootori, head of the Ootori Medical Group, is pleased to announce that his son, Kyouya Ootori, is engaged to marry Deloris Carissa Dickinson, daughter of Robert Dickinson, co-owner of the British department store chain Dickinson and Matthews. The marriage will secure a merger between the Ootori and Dickinson companies, for which both sides have expressed great hope and joy.'
Kaoru thinks he copes relatively well. He cries, sure. He gets angry and breaks a vase, yes. He stays out late drinking one evening and has to be seen home by his driver, of course. But he doesn't call Kyouya, never begs for a reconciliation, and Kyouya doesn't contact him. He has no idea what he would do if that did happen (probably cry more, hopefully keep his head cool enough not to try and rekindle anything) and he's grateful that it never becomes a genuine concern. He needs the space to move on, to get things under control in his own head and charter his forward course. He takes a few days off work, calls in the favours he's accrued from Hikaru without a hint of remorse, and goes on a short trip to Kusatsu to soak in the onsen and unwind.
Listening to the rhythmic thunking of wooden planks and singing at the Yumomi performance gets Kaoru into a contemplative frame of mind where he finds he can think about things without flinching away from the thoughts. Freed from the looming threat of normal life, Kaoru feels liberated, more able to move around in his own head.
He hasn't spoken to Hikaru about Kyouya and Hikaru hasn't brought it up either. As a result, Kaoru has no idea how much Hikaru is aware of, but he hopes above all else that Kyouya is leaving him alone and Hikaru is keeping his distance. The side of Kyouya that Kaoru saw when last they met more than unsettled him – he's never seen Kyouya as cold or as cruel as then. As upset as he is at the knowledge that Hikaru was sleeping with Kyouya, he wants desperately for Hikaru to be safe, especially with the news Hikaru and Haruhi gave him when he went to see them.
Kaoru isn't stupid: he's figured out the dates. It's late November: six or seven weeks rolls conception back to Hikaru and Haruhi's wedding anniversary, and it's only now that it occurs to Kaoru that he never even thought about using a condom at the time. The realisation makes him feel sick to his stomach. There's nothing he can think to excuse it, not even getting Hikaru back for what he did (even if the idea did flash a brief, angry red in Kaoru's mind at the time) because that's not fair and two wrongs haven't made a right since Kaoru was thirteen. He feels stuck in a corner, unsure where to go from here.
On the one hand, he knows he could talk to both of them about it. He'd say this one hand is the better hand but something stops him: Haruhi seems not to remember sleeping with him. He hasn't said anything outright, but the way she's acted around him hasn't changed and when he's made vague (perhaps too vague to err on the side of caution) allusions to things, she never seems to respond in any way that might suggest guilt or anything similar. She seems excited, if a little nervous, at the prospect of impending motherhood, but nothing in her manner suggests anything else.
So on the other hand, Kaoru could bring it up and tell her and Hikaru about what happened. He might absolve himself of things a little bit, but then he'd feel terrible for dropping a bomb like this on them, especially now that they seem to have reached a better place together. Hikaru seems happier – in meetings during their business trip to China he was more alert, more personable, more helpful, and outside of meetings he was sending messages to Haruhi, checking on her and wanting to know how she was. Kaoru was pleased to see the change in his brother, and from the snatches of phone calls he overheard Haruhi was happier too. From what he can tell this is still how things are, and so he's been sitting on his guilt, trying to squash it down and away. He's not sure if knowing about the pregnancy – and he knows how privileged he is to know so early and how delighted they both are about it – makes him more keen to say something or less.
He sighs, breath misting in front of his face in the cold air. He walks around the yubatake, golden eyes peering in at the shops and cafés he passes. With no idea of what else to do, he ducks into a restaurant to get some dinner. He's returning to Tokyo tomorrow and wants to enjoy this evening as much as he can.
Hikaru consoles himself with the knowledge that no one else was in the car with them when it happened. It's poor comfort, but he's trying and if he doesn't at least try everything will come crashing down around him.
He takes a sip of water and nods to the police officer's questions.
"Yes, I was approaching the side road and everything looked clear from what I could see. I had right of way so I continued driving," he explains.
The officer writes down the information. "And you were going at what speed?"
"About thirty miles per hour," says Hikaru. He knows he was within the speed limit – he's not worried about that. "Are we nearly done? I need to go see my wife."
The officer nods. "I'll need to get the report together and have you sign it. After that you'll be free to go."
Hikaru sighs, slumping in the uncomfortable hospital chair. The officer seems to do his best to expedite the process, but every second that goes by Hikaru feels his nerves fraying. Fortunately for his sanity (and that of the officer), the door to the office opens and a doctor walks in, followed by Haruhi. Hikaru gets to his feet, going to her.
"Is everything okay?" he asks, hands cupping her face. She's pale and tired-looking but smiling, her own hands curled habitually over her small, four-month bump.
"I'm okay," she says. "Baby seems fine too."
Hikaru sighs in relief, lowering his head to kiss her before turning to the doctor. "Thank you for your help," he says. "We really appreciate it."
The doctor nods. "Just doing my job. I know you said you're fine but I do need to check a few things if that's okay."
Hikaru allows himself to be examined while the police officer finishes his report. Eventually, everything is sorted and the two of them are allowed to leave. Hikaru calls a driver, their own car being in the shop, and they head home.
Hikaru is woken at quarter past three in the morning by Haruhi's screams.
"What's wrong?"
He doesn't remember sitting up but he is and as her screaming turns to sobs he looks down to see her sitting in a pool of red. His heart jumps into his throat and stops. Pushing down a wave of nausea, he reaches out and grabs her hand.
"Hey hey hey, ssh, sweetie, calm down, please calm down," Hikaru says, trying to sound soothing even though all his instincts are screeching loud in his ears. He pulls her into his arms, letting her face bury into his shoulder. Her cries muffle into his skin and he can feel her tears roll down his chest. One of his hands rubs gently up and down her back while his other arm stays firmly around her. "Ssh, I've got you, I've got you..." He hesitates but then adds, "I need to call a driver so we can go to the hospital."
"I... I don't... want to," she whimpers.
"We have to," he murmurs, gulping around the lump in his throat.
When they get there the doctors try to wheel Haruhi away, but Hikaru insists on staying with her, and her vise-like grip on his hand wouldn't be able to let him go anyway. Scans are done, tests are run, but they both know the outcome isn't going to be good.
"The baby's heart has stopped," says the doctor finally. Haruhi, sitting in the hospital bed, seems to shrink in the circle of Hikaru's arms. "We'll have to deliver."
The next six and a half hours are the worst of Hikaru's life. He holds Haruhi's hands for the entire time, only letting go if he really has to, talking to her as softly and calmly as he can. When she's given the drugs to induce labour, Hikaru coaxes her into swallowing them, collecting her tears on his fingertips and wiping them away. He holds her close during the contractions, desperately wishing there was more he could do.
Weird, disjointed thoughts float about in his head. He has a load of Internet bookmarks on his computer at home for cribs, prams, changing tables – all of them will have to be deleted. Haruhi's maternity clothes – she didn't need them yet but Yuzuha was designing them for her – won't be needed. He needs to call the housekeeper and make sure she changes the bedclothes. They'll have to tell people – they only just gave everyone the good news, and now they have to give the bad.
Once it's all over, Hikaru lies down on the narrow bed with Haruhi and lets her cry the last of it out, stroking her hair from where it stuck to her sweaty forehead. He kisses her cheeks, her nose, her lips, assures her that she is beautiful and brave and strong and he loves her, loves her so much, and things will be okay. Even so, listening to her weeping breaks his heart and his own tears soak the shoulder of her hospital gown.
The doctors insist on keeping Haruhi in the hospital for a while. Hikaru insists on staying with her as long as possible – he knows he could try to pull strings but Kyouya's family owns this hospital and he's not asking for favours from him. Almost all his free time is spent in the hospital with Haruhi, and when he's home he uses his time to catch up on the work he isn't doing in the office with Kaoru. His brother is completely understanding – of course he's completely understanding – and takes the absence in his stride, tries to get Hikaru to stop trying to keep up with his downtime and sleep more, but Hikaru is determined to stay busy.
Haruhi gets other visitors while she's there: Ryoji comes to see her every other day, his face careworn and tender, and Kaoru comes as often as he can when he's also trying to catch up on work. She gets emails from Tamaki in France, and Hani and Mori come by with an unnecessarily huge basket of fruit, but too many people wears her out fast. More often than not, Hikaru sits in the chair while Haruhi sleeps, sometimes dozing himself and needing to be woken by a nurse at the end of visiting hours.
One afternoon, Haruhi is sleeping soundly in the bed, curled up on her side, while Hikaru nods over today's paper when he hears a soft knock at the door. Kaoru pops his head in.
"Hey," he says, voice low so as not to wake up Haruhi.
"Hi," says Hikaru, sitting up and folding the paper. He stands and stretches. "Did you get the proposals from the venues?"
Kaoru nods. "Everything's fine," he assures Hikaru, glancing to the bed. Haruhi's middle section rises and falls steadily under the duvet. "Can we talk? Like... about something other than work?"
Hikaru blinks in confusion. "Er, sure...? What's wrong?"
"Uh, nothing, just..." Kaoru sighs. "I... look, I just want to make sure there's nothing still going on between you and Kyouya."
Hikaru's mouth drops open, but no sound emerges. He stares at Kaoru silently and gets a worried but determined expression in response.
"Yeah, I... figured it out," says Kaoru. "It's not important now. The only thing that matters is her" – he gestures to Haruhi – "and that you're doing right by her."
Hikaru continues to stare at him, wide-eyed, but then clears his throat. "I... I'm sorry," he finally says. "I'm so sorry. I never intended for it to happen, but–"
"I understand," cuts in Kaoru. "I... He... he's scary."
Hikaru feels a weight begin to lift in his chest. "I never thought I'd hear you say that about him."
Kaoru shrugs. "The last time I saw him I think I saw what you'd been seeing in him all along."
Words bubble up inside Hikaru, years old and almost forgotten, breaking free out of the cage they've been struggling around inside of. He goes to say something but the sound turns to a yawn. "Ah, sorry..." he mumbles.
"You haven't slept much have you?" asks Kaoru. When Hikaru shakes his head, Kaoru throws another glance at Haruhi, still sleeping, before saying, "Let's go get some dinner."
"But..." Hikaru looks at Haruhi, golden eyes forlorn, and feels Kaoru's hand on his shoulder.
"She's okay," says Kaoru. "We'll go get food and come back; she won't be alone long."
Hikaru hesitates a little longer, but then slowly nods. As Kaoru opens the door, Hikaru takes a deep breath.
"There's..." His voice makes Kaoru hesitate in the doorway, looking at him. Hikaru stumbles on the words not quite running free inside him. "I... Can I talk to you about something?"
Kaoru gives him a small, encouraging smile. "Of course."
They leave the room together, the door closing behind them with a soft click. In the bed, Haruhi's eyes open.