a/n: So sorry it took me so long to update. I have been trying to figure out how I will continue. I also have been rather discouraged by some of the comments I have received via anonymous reviewers. Let me be clear: I have given full warnings as to what this chapter will contain, and I have not misled you into thinking it is going to be some fluffy Delena piece. It is dark, and it is real. So don't accuse me of anything. If you do not wish to continue this story, I won't take it personally.
As for the rest of you, I really appreciate the kind reviews that I have received. I am not looking for sympathy. One thing I have realized through all of this is that I am not writing this story for you. I am writing it for me. However, if you do happen to enjoy this piece, or have comments or questions, please review or private message them to me. So with that, please enjoy!
Trigger warning: This chapter deals strongly with the aftermath of rape, and it also mentions self-harm. Please do not continue if this will be traumatic for you in any way. While it is not graphic, it is realistic, so please keep that in mind.
xoxo
Ember to Ash
"Alaric, it's Elena. I need help." I choked out, though I was surprised I had any voice left. I felt impossibly small. Fragile and feeble, completely helpless.
"Elena? What's wrong? Are you okay?" He asked, sounding confused.
"Vampire. I didn't know who else to call, I-"
"Where are you?" He interrupted my pathetic attempt to explain things over the phone.
"Outside Old Fell's Church." I was so weak, that I didn't know how I was going to function properly ever again.
"I'm on my way. Hold on. You are going to be okay." He said, quickly, and then the line cut off.
I waited for Alaric to come. I still didn't know how I was going to explain all of this to Damon. I didn't know how I was going to explain this to anyone. Damon was so good to me, despite all of my issues, and despite hardly knowing me. Even when he came into my life, despite all of his goodness, my anxiety and cutting had failed to subside. I fondly remembered that day I saw Damon running near my house. I was in the middle of a panic attack, but it stopped the moment I saw him. I wondered why that hadn't lasted, because now, even though I saw Damon often, my anxiety hadn't ebbed in the slightest. I closed my eyes, wishing it would all just stop. The fear, and the pain. I closed my eyes, and I kept them closed.
I woke up in the leaves, still on the ground outside of the church, to a hand on my face. Instantly, I screamed. Lucas had come back for me, only to kill me this time. I guess he changed his mind about not wanting to upset Klaus, whoever that was. I didn't want to know anything about him, if he was worse than Lucas. Snapping back to the present, I opened my eyes to see Alaric. Immediately I remembered that I was naked, covered only by a jacket. All of my other clothes had been ripped to shreds a little while ago.
"Are you okay?" Alaric said, looking away out of embarrassment.
"A vampire attacked me. I'm fine. I just am too sore to walk, I need help. I didn't know who else to call. No one else knows about the vampires and I would have had to make something up. I don't have it in me to make something up." I had cried so much lately, I didn't have any tears left. Always feeling as though I was empty, but never truly being empty until now. I was a shell. A thin, crumpling shell. I had no pain, no fear, no sadness. Only a husk of who I once was.
"What exactly happened, Elena?" Alaric's embarrassment had evaporated. He looked directly into my eyes now, full of compassion. I imagined that this is what a caring older brother would look like. It was weird, I barely knew him, but yet we were friends. The common knowledge of the vampires had somehow made us allies.
"Whatever you're thinking right now, it's worse. That's what happened. Can you please help me get home?" I was being mean to him, I knew it. I just couldn't handle anything else today. Every time I think I have reached my end, something worse comes along.
Alaric looked down at the ground, coming to terms with the reality of the situation he had found himself in. He took off his shirt and gave it to me. It was long and covered my small frame like a dress. He zipped up his jacket, and lifted me from the ground. He carried me in silence to his car. Once inside, no anxiety befell me. I was empty. I couldn't panic anymore, because I couldn't feel fear anymore. I wasn't going to come back from this one. Lucas had taken the last shred of me. I might as well have been a ghost.
As we drove, Alaric didn't say much. I didn't know where to go. If I went home, Jenna would ask questions. She would see that there was something wrong. Where else could I go? Bonnie was a witch, so she would probably sense something was amiss, as well. I didn't want anyone to know about this. It was absolutely humiliating. I only told Ric out of necessity. I would have to swear him to secrecy on the matter. I just wanted to forget about it all, and move on. The last person I wanted finding out about this was Damon. He would undoubtedly blame himself somehow. I didn't want to put that on him.
I was pulled out of my stupor by the sound of Damon's name being said aloud. "Did Damon do this to you, Elena?" Alaric asked, cautiously.
"What? No! He would never- He's not who you think he is, Ric." I snapped.
"He killed my wife, Elena. He is exactly who I think he is." Alaric replied flatly.
"He's different. He regrets it, Ric. I know I have no right to-"
"Exactly, you have no right. Just drop it. I just had to make sure it wasn't him." Ric paused, I assume to calm down, before he spoke again. "Who was it?"
"Does it matter? It happened, regardless." I looked out the window, my voice getting smaller towards the end of my sentence. "Look, I can't go home, and I don't have anywhere else to go. Can you please drop me off at Damon's?"
"What? No way, Elena. You were just attacked by a vampire. I'm not going to place you in the care of one directly after that." He turned his nose up at the idea.
"I'm fine, and Damon and Stefan aren't even home. They're in Georgia. I just really, really want to be alone right now." I leaned my head back against the seat, resigned to the fact that I was probably going to lose this fight, and Ric was just going to take me home.
"What if the vampire that did this comes back for you? I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just saying that Damon and Stefan are the only people who live there, which means other vampires don't have to be invited in." Ric was obviously against me going there.
"They don't know I'm alone. No one would dream of coming at me in the home of two vampires. I would be safe there." I was pleading at this point, all of my pride having vanished a very long time ago.
It was only when he turned the car around that I realized he was doing what I asked. He was actually honoring my request. I was relieved. When we pulled into the driveway of the Salvatore boarding house, I let out a sigh of relief. Lucas wouldn't dare come here, not with it being the home of two vampires. I was sure of that. I declined Ric's offer to accompany me inside. Though I was sore, I couldn't take the humiliation of being carried into the house. Poor little Elena, fragile and broken, perpetually unable to take care of herself. I just wanted to be by myself, so I slowly slid out of the car. It hurt to stand, much more than I anticipated, but I held myself as steady as possible. Ric readied to leave.
"Ric?" I called to him. "Thank you. For helping me. For everything, but please don't tell anyone." I looked right at him.
"Of course, Elena. Anytime you need me." Ric looked down, internally battling with something. " I won't tell anyone, for now. Call me if you need anything at all, don't hesitate." He smiled softly in my direction.
I nodded, and headed inside.
I liked the boarding house because while it was spacious, it seemed cozy. It smelled of leather, books, and a little bit of bourbon. If you inhaled in just the right spots, you would smell peppermint and pipe tobacco. I wanted to build a fire, but I didn't think I was strong enough. I walked towards Damon's bedroom, as well as I could. I was hunched in pain. My ribs were bruised, but I knew they weren't broken. My head ached, and my legs screamed in pain. The other pains I felt were too shameful to even think about, so I didn't. Entering the huge bathroom attached to Damon's bedroom, I took off my clothes and looked myself over in the mirror. I didn't know how I was going to explain these bruises to Damon. My body was truly a horror story now. The scars I had put there myself, and now the new cuts and bruises that were Lucas' fault. There was hardly a clear area of skin anywhere. Except my face. Somehow, my face had remained clear and untouched by any of the carnage that I had brought on myself. My eyes blank, and my face expressionless, I turned on the shower. I had to get clean. As I weakly climbed in, covered in dirt, mud, and blood, I was overcome with the feeling of being filthy. I could still feel Lucas on me, everywhere, and I had to get him off. I stayed in the shower for hours. The hot water ran out, but I couldn't finish yet. I was so disgusting. After some time, I was to weak to stand anymore, so I just sat on the ground and scrubbed my skin. I was trying to rid myself of all every trace of the vampire who had done this.
Eventually, I got out, though it had to have been at least four hours later. I looked in the mirror a second time, and it was marginally less frightening. The dirt and smeared blood was gone. I was still covered in bruises, however, and my scars I had given myself remained. I sighed, not feeling. I didn't know how to hide this from Damon. The bruises on my ribs were obviously not accidental. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to walk properly for a few days, at the very least.
My head was swimming with exhaustion. I dried off, the best I could, and wrapped myself in a towel. I didn't have any clothes, aside from my jacket and the shirt that Ric had put on me, and both of those were disgusting, they were dirty, and I was sure if I got close enough I could still smell the scent of Lucas on them that had been emanating from me. I was going to have to throw them away. I found Damon's dresser, and pulled on one of his plain, black T-shirts. I hated that I had no underwear, so I found a pair of his boxers, as well. They were much too big for me, but I didn't mind.
When I lied down, and all the tension I had been holding released, it took my breath away. The surge of pain I felt as all of my muscles relaxed was shocking and sudden, I winced, and a few tears sprang to my eyes due to the pain. I felt all of my injuries at once. I stayed as still as possible, waiting for my body to relax. This was all my fault. I shouldn't have gone out alone, knowing that there were vampires out there looking for me. I should have stayed home, where no vampire could get in. I should have known how to kill a vampire. This should not have happened. I could have stopped it, if I had made different choices. What is Damon going to say when he finds out? I am sure he will blame himself, for not being here, but there was no way he could have known I was going to go out on my own. No, this was all on me.
I sighed, the physical pains finally starting to dull, though not going away. The sharpness was replaced by a persistent ache. I was too tired to look for pain relievers, but it didn't matter. I quickly faded into a deep sleep, untouched by dreams. The hollow silence that was my mind while sleeping was almost a nightmare in itself. There was nothing but darkness, and the eerie feeling that Lucas was in the depths of that darkness. He was even terrorizing me in my subconscious. There was no escape for me then, even in sleep. I slept for a while, deeply. I awoke once, around 4am, when Damon returned home. As soon as I saw him come into his bedroom, relief washed over me. Now I didn't just assume that I was safe, I knew I was safe. He seemed surprised to see me, but he didn't say anything. He kicked his shoes off and climbed into bed next to me. He put his arm around me, and though I was a little uncomfortable at the contact, I stayed there. This was Damon. He was here now, and I was safe. In my mind, I was overwhelmed with the thought of confronting him about what happened tonight. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell anyone.