It had taken a while for Colonel Potter to settle in, but when he did, we all decided that it was time to calm down. To be honest, he assessed all correctly and made friends with the whole camp, even endearing himself to Margaret, and he seemed more effective than Henry ever was as a CO. I was amazed by what got done and how many people the colonel knew, counting on my fingers and toes (and even martini glasses and dust bunnies) the generals he went to war with and even treated. However, my heart still yearned for Henry and ached even more for Lorraine. All of those years seemed gone and wasted now that Henry Blake was dead.

Time passed slowly and the weather soon turned colder and our next holiday season passed into a new year that demanded new variations too. The major changes (literally, haha) were between Margaret and Frank and then myself and Hawkeye, if that is to be believed (and all in thanks to BJ and Mrs. Burns). It seemed a lot easier to just look at others before my own relationship, so I believe I should start there and then continue onto my own saga that I didn't believe would unfold in the way that it did.

A couple of weeks after Colonel Potter showed up and toughened us up, a letter came in the mail for Frank from home. From Radar, we heard that it was from Mrs. Burns, ugly and mousy little Louise, who heard from a returning solider the continuing relationship of Frank and Margaret. While her mother urged her to get a divorce from Ferret Face himself, he managed to get a personal call to Indiana (just as Colonel Potter was waiting for news about his new grandchild) and talked with his wife. After soothing the scorned woman (a savage beast, from what I've heard), Frank had to contend with Margaret, who he called several names while she listened in the other room and in rage too.

Being named as war horse and an Army mule was insulting. Even to me it was wounding, especially in light of Margaret preparing for their night together with their package from "Fatigues from Hollywood". From there on out, Margaret and Frank started to cool down their once ardent couplings. Frank was desperate as always, trying to get into Margaret's tight green pants, but the head nurse was always on the ball, playing games with him and shoving him out the door. She either slighted him with her voice or smoothed over the bumpy road, but never again was their passion the same. As we all predicted, someone was going to sweep Margaret off of her feet and it wasn't going to be Frank.

Enough of that though. It was boring enough to watch that drama unfold and then fold over again. What bothered me the most was a new assignment for me and it wasn't just out the usual heading over to another M*A*S*H unit for a day and exchanging ideas and people. No, not this time. It was a unique Jeanie Morrison trip and one that even made Sidney Freedman – friend and foe to everyone and all at once too – raise an eyebrow and ask for a house call himself.

From those higher up than me, I was ordered to the front lines. Why? Sidney was resituated there. He usually was sent into foxholes and facilities at or near the front lines in order to help the solider patch up their mental wounds and then get them back to work. Now, the Army thought it a grand idea to get him up close and personal and have him report back on the results. The kicker of it is that they also chose little old me to accompany him and make my own medical observations. Due to my history and the good record I've had (officially anyway), I was given the golden star. It would also give me another good mark against all of the holes and black marks all over my file.

This did not sit well with me. As my brother disappear off to the States for more training with his men, the notice came to me through the usual channels. Colonel Potter called me to his office a few hours after the last medical conference (Sidney being a participant and taking me back with him now) and informed me of the decision from heads higher up than him. He added to be careful and told me that I was leaving with the major when he was to go back.

I left the colonel's office in a daze, unsure of what to do or what to believe anymore. The news had been surprising and then some. By then though, a lot of things had been going on and a lot of it not resolved and not told to anyone yet. I received a frantic call and then a letter from my mother, explaining that my horrid stepfather, Clarence Lowes – rapist, pervert, abuser and all out manipulator – had died in his sleep a week before from a heart attack (and in bed with another woman that was not Mom). Worse, before I was told by Margaret about Dean, I was sending letters and getting them back marked that the address did not exist anymore. For a while, I thought my brother actually died until I was informed by the chief nurse herself of the reassignment the 43rd had and her offered help to get my missives to the right location.

And then, there was the war that was making me older and forcing me to think. Not only did I have to work out a plan to get out of Korea alive, but I also needed to ensure something else. A life was what I concluded I desperately needed. Even before I turned eighteen, I had dropped to the Army's lap for my escape. I ran to them with nothing except my wrecked nerves and a want to help others more hurt than I was. From there, I went on a career that nobody should have undergone and now ended up in a hellhole that I could not get out of and all because my idiotic old CO, Colonel Flagg, who was always up to no good and had too many tricks up his sleeve.

I had a bad feeling that Flagg was going to determine my fate after the war in Korea ended. As I did a circuit around the camp and started another (throwing a football back at Father Mulcahy as he tried to take on the Protestants by himself again), my brain went through all possibilities and plans and threw them out. The goal was pretty clear, but the road to get there was not. I wanted to have a life with Hawkeye and Shannon and to go home, wherever that was. I wanted a home life that did not include espionage, war and death. I wished for peace, a loving family and an actual roof over my head that was not a tent.

That seemed too much to ask for. However, the words Father Mulcahy told me some months ago echoed in my head. I needed to take control of my life back and that needed to happen somehow. He may not have known what was in my past, but he saw a lost soul if there ever was one and he tried his best to comfort me, a poor and pregnant sinner in his eyes. I was not religious by any stretch of the imagination. I heard wise words and I was taking them into deep consideration.

Finally, just as I noticed a shadow sneaking up behind me, I got an idea for my problem. It was a small one and I needed to work on it when the time came, but it was one nonetheless. In the meantime, I would have to contend with the person who was following me and hope for the best since his teeth seem to be closing in on my neck and all in the public eye too. I had to put up a good fight after all.

"Penny for your thoughts," Hawkeye said, his breath warm in my ear.

"Nickel for your pillow talk," I replied, trying to smile as I pushed him away. "What's up?"

"I was going to ask the same of you." Hawkeye decided to walk beside me instead of behind me this time, giving me the space I craved. "What happened? Anything unusual happen back home?"

I had to bite my tongue. I was not ready to tell Hawkeye about Clarence dying the way he did (he knew about Dean though). The first night I was in the Swamp with him on a date, it was easy to talk to him about the way I was treated and how it followed me to the present day. Memories like that can last you or years and make you believe that there is no such thing is the middle ground. Now, it seemed like I was not ready to talk about how the man cheated on my mother once more and died while doing it. I didn't even ask Mom what had happened to the poor woman stuck in bed with a corpse. I would imagine a church hounding her, but I wasn't one for gossip anyway.

This time, I decided to focus on my new assignment. "Seems like I'm heading back with Sidney," I said lightly, trying not to make a big deal out of it.

"What?" Hawkeye stopped and me along with him. "What do you mean? You not heading back to the front with him, are you?"

"It just means that I am temporarily assigned, so yes, I am heading to the front," I replied. My fears remained in my mind and unvoiced. "It's a study that they thought I would give more insight on."

"On what now?"

"Something they called in World War I as shell shock. We'll see how it runs."

"How long are you staying away and playing soldier?"

"If you mean playing with guns, I am not. There are guards for that."

"Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean there's no danger."

"Hawkeye, I don't have much of a choice. You don't either. We're following orders until we're told not to anymore."

"It won't be the same without you."

"Grab another nurse if you're that distressed, Hawkeye. You don't need to stay faithful to me."

That may have stopped Hawkeye's ranting, but his face suddenly turned to stone, something I normally do not witness and usually see when he's close to exploding. Choosing not to have the camp crowd us during this heated argument, he took me by the elbow firmly and led me to the Swamp. With the cold weather so nasty after a warm spell, the tent flaps were down and the place had some balminess in there. Frank was not in sight, although BJ was, washing some very ugly argyle socks that his wife Peg sent from home. He saw our approach and put his boots on to leave.

Once BJ had left and without another word (I guessed he saw that we were in the middle of a discussion that he did not need to hear), Hawkeye guided me to a chair by his cot. I obeyed him, remaining as stiff as the cold. He himself sat on his bed, getting comfortable and snuggling under his coat…without me. It was a smug gesture and I hated every moment of it.

"I don't want another nurse," Hawkeye finally admitted baldly when he was ready to talk. "I want you, Jeanie. There's been nobody after you and nobody steady before you except for Caryle and that was many years ago, when I was very broke and in residency in Boston. Don't you understand that?"

I nodded. "I still don't trust the situation. You have a track record and you broke it."

"You don't trust me?"

"No, no, not that. I'm just worried my heart would be broken again and I can't take it anymore. I want you to be happy and I don't want to be selfish about my own too."

Hawkeye took my gloved hands into his. "Jeanie, I can't promise you that it won't happen. Believe me, I've cornered myself too many times and proposed to myself when I couldn't look someone in the eye. I'm dedicated to my work too. But this much I can tell you. I'm not backing out. I can't now. You're too precious for me and too good. Just don't tell my wife that."

"What are you trying to tell me?" This I was scared about. Hawkeye never typically opened his heart to me like this.

"I want you to come home with me," Hawkeye blurted out. "I need you to come home with me. Dad doesn't care. He doesn't care if we are married or not either."

"Hawkeye, I don't even know if I'll be able to come home with you when you do," I admitted, feeling flustered and flattered all at once. I never told him much about West Germany (only that I was there on business and Flagg was my CO) and avoided talk of Falk at all times. "I want to though. I think it's a good idea. I don't have anything in Bloomington anymore."

"Not even your mother?"

"My mother is a sick woman, Hawkeye. I can't stay with her or take responsibility of her anymore. I've done my fair share of that and ran away so that I never had to see her again. Lorraine Blake…"

I stopped there. I wasn't ready to talk about Lorraine yet. We have exchanged letters more often now that Henry is gone. She wanted to know more about what our lives were like and the people who had shaped Henry's life before he was killed. I didn't like telling her much to begin with and usually had skirted over the details (mostly because I hate writing). Now, being away from the people I started to truly care about, I might have to rethink that stance and begin to tell my second mother about the troubles we have and how the war is different for us than it is back home.

Hawkeye gripped my hands tighter. "I understand. You also get that we're taking the next step? That there is no turning back?"

I hoped to bring up Shannon at the moment. I wanted to look Hawkeye in the eyes and tell him that I agreed, that there was no turning back the clock and that we were going around all the bases and hitting a home run for the team. In my heart, I wanted to tell him everything: how I was bubbling with excitement about this offer, how scared I was to meet his family and how Shannon might be a good part of this circle as well. However, when my mouth worked to chat of my daughter, I saw the twitch on Hawkeye's mouth and opted out. He wasn't ready yet and might not be for some time.

For now, it'll be about us. It won't include Shannon yet, although I'll be pushing for it. That's a pain Hawkeye needs to face and something he needs to man up to.

"I can't look back now," I said, smiling because it was true. "We're us now, Hawkeye, not the individuals who came to this place without knowing how and why. And I think I can do this, no matter what comes between us."

With BJ and Frank gone and no medical conference until late in the evening (everyone sleeping off of the one from the previous night or being elsewhere), Hawkeye saw an opportunity. He first let go of my hands and then locked the door to the Swamp. While this immediately merited Frank banging on the outside and demanding entry, we both paid no heed to the major as he screamed about getting his things for the shower. Instead, Hawkeye came up and kissed me hard on the lips, tugging at my coat and then my shirt and bra. While he unsnapped the last with ease, it made me a little wary. I mean, privacy was something that nobody in this camp had, but we seemed to always find the time to take our clothes off and explore each other and it always seemed to involve Frank being outside the picture.

"What's wrong?" Hawkeye asked as he nibbled on my ear lobe.

"Why do we always seem to have fun and Frank likes to spoil it?" My head motioned to the door, where we heard a foot making contact with the wood in an annoying pattern.

"We can wait," Hawkeye promised, sticking his hands back into my shirt and replacing the hooks of my bra. "I was thinking of something else that needs to happen before you leave."

"Oh, what's that?" I was curious.

"You need to stay here in the Swamp. Permanently."

"Hawkeye, I'm not a doctor nor am I male."

"You could have fooled me. Your body is the perfect disguise."

"Hawkeye!"

"I can't live without you, Jeanie. I simply can't. And you're too far away. I'm sure Colonel Potter won't mind."

"Frank will."

"Who cares what Ferret Face wants?"

"I heard that!" Frank yelled. "I heard that! And I'm telling the colonel!"

"Go tell the colonel then!" I yelled back before facing Hawkeye once more with an idea. "I believe Frank needs to be invited to the conference tonight though."

Hawkeye grinned, his features alight with the same plan. "You know, I believe so too. Let's find BJ and Sidney and work on it from there."