Part 14
"Hey watch where you're going!"
For a while, Xander couldn't tell if the voice he'd heard was just one of the myriad of sounds reverberating around his head, or something else. It sounded far off, which was surprising when he could see the woman standing in front of him, her hand on her hip, as she waited impatiently for a response.
"I'm sorry," Xander said apologetically, now realising that in his overwhelming thoughts, he'd almost walked into her.
"Look up next time," the lady replied bitterly before stepping around him.
He just stood there watching as she walked off. He had no fight left in him, feeling inside like he's just gone the distance with a prizefighter. He watched as she walked around the corner, and then stared in fascination at all the people walking around Sunnydale that night. None of it seemed real to him, and as people past strode past, he had to fight the urge to pull them up and ask if he knew them. Not that he thought he did, but only a few minutes ago, what he knew and what he didn't got turned substantially on it's head, making Xander very unsure of what was right in his world.
Shaking his head, not so much at the near collision, but in some last attempt to come to grips with his memories, Xander turned around and looked down the street in the opposite direction to that which he was walking. He no longer had any urge to go back to his apartment. He knew exactly where he wanted to go, and how to get there.
He doubted however his dress would pass for formal, but by that time, Xander no longer cared. There was someone he needed to see, and the lack of a tuxedo was no longer a concern.
******
With the wonderful dinner that they'd both prepared now settling in their stomachs, Willow and Tara settled down on the couch. Willow sat down first, then Tara did, letting herself fall into Willow's arms as music from their stereo system started. Tara let herself fall into Willow embrace and let stroke her hair, as she let out a breath, relaxing herself.
It was in this position that the phone rang interrupting their personal nirvana. Tara groaned, but realising that she would have to get up for Willow to answer it, she knew that it would be up to her to answer it anyway.
"Hello," she said, hiding any of her mild irritation.
"Tara," Buffy's slightly panicked voice said, answering Tara's greeting.
"Hey Buffy," Tara replied, then added noticing the tone Buffy spoke with. "Are you okay?"
"I don't know. Xander was over here just before and he acted all weird then, just took off."
"Do you know where he went?" Tara asked, looking down at Willow, letting her know that something was up.
"No. I was going to follow him, but he didn't seem to want to talk to me, so I thought you might have a better... damn I should've followed him."
Tara could notice the slight panic in Buffy's voice and realised that whatever had happened had upset her greatly. "He'll be okay," she said trying to reassure her.
Tara had spent a great deal of time with Xander since his return and knew how much his friendship with all his friends meant to him, especially getting those friendships back to where they were. She couldn't think that Xander would freak Buffy out of purpose, so whatever had happened was something out of the ordinary.
"I'll go over to his place and see if he's there," Tara replied. "I'll call you when I have any news, okay?"
"Thanks. Call me as soon as you know."
"I will. Bye," Tara added, before hanging up and turning her head to where Willow had moved to the right of her. "Xander's taken off, Buffy wanted me to go and see if he went home."
Willow nodded, not questioning why Tara had gotten the job. She knew that the sessions that they had shared would be invaluable in this instance. "I'll come with you."
"Thanks, but I don't know if that's the right thing for Xander," Tara added delicately. If Xander didn't want to talk to Buffy, he may not want to talk to Willow either. Or herself, she realised.
"Just till I know he is okay," Willow replied leaning in and giving her lover a small kiss. "I don't want you waiting by her self."
*******************
The music continued pulsating at a regular, but very loud beat, making it great to dance to, but impossible to hear someone unless you talked straight into their ear. Which is why, Dawn realised, Adam was at present leaning down to whisper to her.
"I'm going to get a drink," Adam he told her, making a face showing how parched he was as way of convincing his girlfriend.
"Okay," Dawn replied, not really wanting to stop dancing already, but knowing that keeping Adam on the dance floor for longer than he wanted was counter productive. That and she noticed that Stacey had taken a seat, having been left even early by her date, and looked like she could do with some company. She followed Adam off the dance floor, her hand entwined in his, till he turned to go to the bar, she went the other way. She watched him walk away, then turned and walked the few steps to where Stacey was sitting down.
Stacey grinned at her as she did. "Adam actually stayed on the dance floor for thirty minutes. I'm impressed," she sarcastically commented.
Dawn simply through her a 'look' and replied, "I see your date has even less staying power."
Even though it was her first inclination to respond with another retort, Stacey, after a moment had to agree. "Yeah, but in my defense, he's Corey," she told Dawn.
Dawn couldn't help herself but laugh. "He is, isn't he. And yet you said yes."
"Well he's also cute," Stacey replied, turning her head to see Corey and Adam in an animated conversation by the drinks area. "Well at least sometimes he is," she said with a giggle.
Dawn laughed as well, before shooting another look over to where Adam had gone off to, her laugh stopping as she did. It was something that didn't go pass Stacey's keen eye. "So, what's wrong?" she asked concerned.
"Nothing," Dawn answered defensively.
"I know you too well for that performance to convince me," Stacey replied.
There was sometimes when a best friend wasn't a good thing. When you are trying to keep secret your feelings is a time when a best friend isn't wanted. However for all the wishing that she hadn't sat down next to Stacey at that particular time, Dawn knew that she couldn't get out of it.
"It's just that, and please don't think I'm being ungrateful, cause it has been a lot of fun tonight, but..."
"But, it doesn't match up to your fantasy," Stacey said finishing off Dawn's sentence. Stacey leant back as if was the least important revelation of the night. "Don't worry. From what my older sister and her friends said, it never does. Well apart from in the movies."
"Yeah," Dawn agreed, still not feeling any brighter.
"Besides, all of your dreams usually involved a man who isn't your date for tonight," Stacey told her. She knew she was being a little indelicate, but whenever it was time to call it how you saw it, Stacey was just the girl to do it.
"That's not fair," Dawn protested. "Adam has been the only one of my mind for the last year at least."
"Until a month ago," Stacey corrected.
Dawn is about to protest again but realised it was pointless. "I never thought I'd see him again, and now it's all so complicated."
"Well it would be considering, you're in a year long relationship with someone else," Stacey replied, "who I know you really like. It's just he doesn't quite match up to the fantasy."
"Nothing ever does," Dawn admitted.
"Well if you actually talked to Xander, instead of running away," Stacey said with a giggle.
"This isn't funny," Dawn said a little annoyed at her best friend laughing at her own expense.
"Sorry," Stacey added, exaggerating her 'sorry' face to maximum effect.
"Oh stop it," Dawn replied, laughing again. She continued laughing as she remembered something from earlier that night. Catching the look Stacey gave, she took pity on her friend and let her into the joke. "Did you see the look that Xander gave me tonight?"
"Oh you missed the best part. I practically had to hit him across the face to get him to break his stare before your boyfriend either got jealous, or ran away and hid."
"Stop it," Dawn said, laughing at the image Stacey had just planted in her mind. When she'd stopped she continued on with her thought. "That look. He looked so hurt, but also..." she paused trying to find the right words.
"Also he was totally checking you out," Stacey added, succinctly as ever.
"He wasn't," Dawn replied indignantly, but not before a small smile escaped her lips at the thought.
"Whatever," Stacey replied, thinking that the conversation was bordering on being sickly cute. She really wanted to talk to Dawn about all of this, but tonight really wasn't the night. There was however one thing she wanted to say.
"Look, it's about time you decided what you wanted from him, or maybe what you want from yourself. Cause if you don't make up your mind and you keep treating him like crap, I don't think there'll be choice to make."
"Well if he actually cared for me, he wouldn't put up with my crap," Dawn replied, flooring Stacey with whatever brand of logic she'd just used.
"Umm, okay," She replied, showing in her face, just how much she thought of what Dawn had just said, and then looking at her friends face she could tell that Dawn herself knew just how bad that what she had said actually sounded.
Dawn's expression, unlike during most of the conversation, showed no trace of humour when she spoke again.
"You didn't know how close we were, Stace. I know I've told you but without being there I'm not sure if you can really know. Don't you think I want that back? I want to be able to tell him anything, to go to him when I feel awful and have him cheer him up. And dammit, to hold him while he's going through whatever the hell it is he's going through."
"Then why don't you," Stacey asked softly and calmly.
Dawn thought about that for a second before answering it. "I just can't. I've tried to, but every time I think about talking to him, all I can see is that letter he sent to me."
Stacey nodded, knowing from one of Dawn's late night explanations, how badly the letter had hurt her in very plain and precise details.
"I just can't get past it." Dawn added quietly.
"You know it only hurts so much, cause you love him," Stacey told her.
"I know," Dawn replied, chuckling a hollow laugh. "I'm kind a sad, aren't I?"
"Not as sad, as I am, leaving you here for this long," Adam said, as he came up from behind and leant down and kissed Dawn on the lips, softly. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.
Dawn smiled at him, and sincerely answered. "I'd love to," before letting him take his hand and be lead to the dance floor.
Stacey wondered how long Adam had been there before he said anything. Maybe he had only just arrived, or maybe he had decided he'd heard enough. Either way she was glad Dawn had been taken back out of the dance floor. Tonight was a night for romantic fun, not the dramas that seemed to be enveloping her friend's life. She shot the couple one last glance, noticing with a smile that Adam was no doubt trying to make up for all the time he'd left her alone, by kissing her softly as they moved together.
Looking back at the bar, she saw, not to her great surprise that Corey was still animatedly chatting with his friends.
'Well,' she thought, 'time to make him cringe at the thought of leaving his date for so long.' And with that she got up and strode purposefully over to where he was standing.
Through the open doorway, not seen by any of the guests at the Prom, a male dressed in jeans and a shirt, poked his head through and searched with his eyes the room in front of him. After a few seconds his eyes clearly focussed on one couple dancing in the middle of the room. He didn't know what it felt like to have a knife plunged into his heart, but at that exact moment, he felt he could make an incredibly accurate guess to exactly how it must feel. Watching as Adam leant down and kissed Dawn again, Xander couldn't face it anymore, and turned and stood in the corridor outside the main room. He wished that he could get it out of his head, but along with all the other memories of Dawn, he had a new one indelibly imprinted on his heart. Shaking his head, angry at even thinking she would be interested in him, he quickly retreated, walking past a teacher who was obviously interested in what this stranger was doing.
"Hey! What are you doing here?" the teacher called out.
But by then Xander had switched off his hearing, and could think of only one thing. He wanted to get home.
To go home and try to forget.
******************
He had no idea how long it had taken him to get back to his apartment building, but by the time he'd reached the ground floor entrance to the stairs, his breath was now short and loud, echoing up the stairwell. Pausing a moment and gathering his thoughts as much as his energy, he then took off up the steps, looking forward to nothing more than a shower and a nights sleep, though he doubted he would get much of the latter. Xander knew he never slept well when he was either, worried, pissed off or upset. As the night he'd just had, pretty much tapped out all of those emotions, he knew he'd been watching the sun rise this morning.
Rounding the end corridor of his apartment building, Xander almost failed to notice the two women who had been sitting in front of his apartment door. If it hadn't been for the fact that he almost tripped over Willow's feet, and that both Willow and Tara were blocking the door, he may well have not even noticed their presence.
As it was, when he righted himself, and looked down, he merely grunted, "Hi," before opening the door and attempting to walk through.
It was Tara that actually placed herself in between Xander and the open doorway, stopping his path.
"What do you want, Tara," Xander said forcibly, but without raising his voice.
"Where've you been?" Willow asked from behind him. "We're all been worried."
"Not everyone," Xander replied bitterly, thinking back to the kiss that he had witnessed less than thirty minutes earlier.
"Buffy called me," Tara said laying a hand on Xander's shoulder. "She was really upset."
Hearing those words, spoken with the even tone that Tara always did, broke through just a little of Xander's mood. It reminded Xander of the sessions that Tara and he had been involved in. How her voice had always been calming to him and made him feel safe. It took the venom away from his voice, but not the intent. "I'm sorry, but I just want to be alone."
"Are you sure?" Willow asked.
"No, I thought I'd just say it for a laugh," Xander replied, his bitterness returning.
"Xander!" Tara said, shocked at how he had just spoken.
"Look," Xander started, running his hands over his temple, trying to keep a lid on his frustration. "I've got a lot of things to think about, and I really don't want to talk to anyone, so please leave me alone," Xander stated, almost keeping his voice at a normal speaking volume.
"No," Tara replied. "I'm not leaving till I know you're okay."
Xander shook his head, letting out a groan. He wanted a drawn out argument even less than company. "Fine, the couch is super comfy, but I suppose it's all a babysitter," he looks over to Willow, "or two, needs."
"Are you sure you are okay?" Willow asks, not wanting to force her way into Xander's apartment. 'Maybe they should leave him for the night,' she thought.
"I'm fine," Xander replied exasperated.
Willow tugged on Tara's arm and indicated that they should go. When Tara turned she saw something in Willow's eyes that told her it would be okay.
"We'll see you tomorrow?" Tara asks.
"Yeah, fine," Xander replied, before taking a step through the door and slamming it behind him, without saying goodbye, leaving two very astonished and worried friends outside.
*****************
Even though she realised it was a fruitless exercise, Buffy continued to replay over and over, the nights events in her mind, trying to work out what caused Xander to run out like that. She was never any good and sitting around and letting others do the work, but tonight she was even less calm. When the sound of knocking shook her from her thoughts she practically rushed over the front door.
She was a little disappointed when she saw it wasn't Xander who had returned, but moved aside to let Willow and Tara enter, noting that they didn't look particularly happy.
"Did you find him?" Buffy asked as she closed the door behind them.
Willow nodded. "Yeah, well, he found us."
"Is he okay?" Buffy asked.
Both Willow and Tara shrugged. "He seemed alright, but..." Tara replied, not knowing how to exactly put Xander's reaction to them. She could tell that he was hurting, but she would be lying if she didn't say it also hurt herself and Willow, how he spoke to them.
"He was really angry and rude to us," Willow added, not having any such dilemma.
"Did he say anything at all?" Buffy wondered.
"Not really, but he said he'll see us tomorrow," Willow replied.
"Well, he said it, but I'm not sure," Tara added. "He's not really himself."
Buffy nodded. "I'm going over to see him," she stated, already heading for the door.
In the haste that she was in, Buffy had almost made it outside the door, when she felt someone lightly try to drag her back. She looked up and noticed with surprise that Tara had been the one to try and stop her. Knowing that she could've quite easily shrugged out of her hand, Buffy stopped instead to see what she had to say.
"Not tonight. See if he comes tomorrow first," Tara told her gently.
Buffy nodded and walked back inside, shutting the door behind her. "I can't help feeling it's my fault," Buffy replied, slumping her shoulders. "If he hadn't jumped in front..."
"That's so long ago. You may as well say it's your fault for moving to Sunnydale." Willow told her, then seeing the slightly hurt look on Buffy's face, she quickly added, "Not that I think it is."
"I just feel helpless," she quietly admitted.
*************
--Now I remember why I love to come home--
The fly had sat there for almost two minutes, Xander surmised. At least that was his estimate for how long he had sat there staring at it. Not that the fly was particularly interesting, but after spending an hour staring at the wall, to have some thing else to take his interest, even if it was something as small as a house-fly, was a welcome distraction.
--Maybe you never loved her, Xander. I may have disliked you, but I thought I could've counted on that--
But just as Xander was finding some solace in the little insect, it flew off, and in the semi-darkness, Xander's reactions weren't quick enough to follow where it flew to.
--I've been thinking about you and I, and I need to say stuff--
Sighing at the end of his little show, Xander was soon abandoned to the thoughts and memories that seemed to be on permanent re-run in his head. He tried to steer his thoughts back to the current night, only have moderate success. He couldn't deny the feeling he had as Dawn walked down the stairs at her place, only to be met by her boyfriend. It was one of pure jealousy, and yet at the time he didn't understand why. That came mere minutes later, when the memories that had been so long blocked from his consciousness broke through and suddenly the love and commitment he felt towards her hit him like a tone of bricks. He couldn't stay at Buffy's it was all too real and raw for him to sit there and have a conversation with the sister of the woman he loved. Although he knew he was being rude, and no doubt worried her greatly, taking off at that point was better than blurting out his love for Dawn. That was one confrontation that he felt would be best put off till he had spoken to woman in question herself.
--What if going back in time has only one effect. And that effect is something to do with you and you die. It's something I won't allow to happen--
But along with his memory of Dawn, everything else came flooding back at the same time. Buffy's death, even though he knew it was coming, had been like an empty shell. But now it was full of details all inside his head. Suddenly he not only had the how and why, but the emotions of when he'd first found out. To be talking to Buffy while at the same time remembering his feelings when he visited her grave, was a position he didn't think he could take at that time.
--Ooh, look who's standing under the mistletoe--
But there were other memories, happy memories that flooded his consciousness as well. His friendship with Wesley and Cordelia brought many of those, but even a few hours later Xander found it hard to remember exactly what was from the future and what was from the past. In fact at present Xander was having a hard time separating any of his memories. His time in LA, which had seemed to be under a cloud of the Powers interference, was melding with the future he would no longer have. His annoyance and feelings of betrayal by Angel had been joined and amplified by the hatred he felt for his future deeds. Deeds that the Angel he knew, wouldn't be doing now. At least he wouldn't if Xander made sure Buffy survived what was coming in San Francisco.
--I don't want you to go--
And thinking of LA always brought up the face of Anne, someone who had been nothing but a great friend to him. Knowing how she felt, and how easily it would be to feel the same way, in the most normal of circumstances he would be sharing his life with her. But now more than ever he understood why he could never be with Anne in LA. He knew why his engagement to Anya failed. And why it tore his heart in two to see Dawn and Adam dancing and kissing at their Prom.
--The only hold I feel, and I love it, is the one you have over me-
His body had known, even if he couldn't remember, his heart was already taken.
--Don't worry. I won't let him go again--
Xander knew however, that the girl that held his heart was gone. Her life would never be lived.
--It's just..wow, you look so....well, old--
And that only made him feel even more alone than he had felt all night.
--I've been thinking about you and I, and I need to say stuff-
He could feel himself being slowly driven crazy with all the conflicting emotions and memories that were running through his head, and had no idea what to do. Going anywhere wasn't an option. No matter what trickery had been involved, he had a chance to save Buffy, and that was more important than anything else at present. He knew they would need all the help they could get. And that meant Angel.
--For gods sake, Angel. You're the one you turned up here, it's about time you told us why?--
Going to LA wasn't the worst idea, Xander would ever have. He had good friends there. But he also knew in his heart that someone else would need to accompany him, just in case the meeting with the souled vampire didn't go all that friendly.
--But you would be back where you belong, and maybe that will be enough to save Buffy--
He knew he had to talk to the others. They all needed to know what he knew. They all needed to work together. But the pain Xander felt personally, needed attention as well and he didn't know whom to turn to. Talking to Buffy would've been the first thing on his list, but since a great deal of his problems revolved around him and Dawn, he vetoed that idea.
--I love you--
In the end, he didn't make a decision. In a way it was made for him. In one of his many glances around the darkened room, he noticed the journal that Tara had given to him, laying on its side against the wall. He immediately remembered how rude he had been to her and Willow and how much Tara had given him in her time to help him since his return to Sunnydale.
--I love you, so much--
Realising that he really didn't want to run through a blow by blow description to anyone of his memories, writing them down would make it a lot easier, and would be easier for someone to understand. As he picked up the book and started writing the first words, he did stop for a second and wonder if he had the right to do what he was about to. Did he have the right to give Tara these memories?
**********
"I'll see you in fifteen," Dawn called out to her friends, who'd just dropped her off, before placing her front door key in the lock and turning it, trying to be as quiet as possible, so not to wake Buffy up.
It took only one step inside however for her to realise that waking Buffy was not a problem, as her older sister was siting by herself, with a cup of coffee, seemingly deep in thought.
"Buffy?" Dawn called out to her, a little worried that her sister had yet to acknowledge her coming through the door.
Buffy glanced up, a little shocked to see Dawn there, but regaining her composure quickly. "Oh, hi Dawn. How was the prom?"
"It was fun," Dawn replied.
Buffy glanced over the clock on the wall, and then looked at surprise at her sister. "If it was so much fun, what're you doing home so early?"
Dawn brushed down the front of her dress and replied, "I'm not going to the all-nighter in this dress. Stacey coming to get me in a little while."
"Oh," Buffy responded.
"What's wrong?" Dawn asked coming over and taking a seat next to her sister.
Buffy didn't want to tell Dawn about what happened. For one thing she was in the middle of her Prom, and even if the formal part of it was over, she didn't think Dawn deserved any news that might bring her mood down. On the flipside however Buffy really didn't want to hear Dawn bad-mouthing Xander again. Not that Dawn had done so in the last few weeks, but then again Buffy had made a point of not bringing him up in conversation if she could help it. One of these days Dawn would have to accept Xander back in their lives, Buffy knew that. But tonight wasn't the night to try.
"It's nothing," Buffy said to her, lying not that successfully.
"Buffy?" Dawn replied, catching the absence of truth in her sister's words.
"It's Xander," she simply said.
"What's happened?" Dawn asked surprising Buffy with her apparent concern.
"Just after you left, he...well I don't know what happened, but he took off out of here. Something happened," she replied, still feeling helpless.
"He left?" Dawn replied sounding alarmed.
Buffy noted the panic in her sister's eyes, and tried to calm her down. "He's hasn't gone anywhere. He's at his apartment. Tara and Willow went over to see if he was okay, but he didn't want to talk to them."
"Sometimes you can't make people talk to you. Maybe he'll have to do that himself."
"Maybe," Buffy agreed, then getting the finding the curious side of her personality she asked, "So what's caused the turnaround on your front?"
"Me?" Dawn said getting up, acting all innocent. The last thing she wanted to tell Buffy was that she realised she had been acting like a brat. "I'm just trying to be comforting to my sister."
Buffy shook her head, not really believing a word that Dawn said, although appreciating the sentiment. "Okay," she said with a smile. "Go and get changed and I'll see you in the morning. Remember you have work at midday."
Dawn rolled her eyes. "As if I could forget. Giles, I love him to death, but he has a mean streak making me work the day after the prom." She said as she walked up the stairs.
*************
Even though Xander had gone over to visit Willow on so many occasions during his life, it didn't make the butterflies settle any better in his stomach. He knew his actions last night hadn't been fair on his friends, and his less than friendly actions had mostly been vented on the two friends that lived together in the house in front of him. Setting his journal down on one of the chairs that had been set up on the verandah of the house, he pushed the button that rang the doorbell.
A few seconds later, the door opened and Willow appeared from behind the door. It didn't take Xander long to see the hurt Willow had on her face last night hadn't disappeared.
"I'm sorry," Xander told her looking very ashamed at his actions.
"Are you okay?" she asked him.
"Not really," Xander admitted, then after a second simply told her, "I remember."
"Oh my god," Willow squealed, before reaching forward to envelope her life long friend in a hug. She stopped a fraction of a second away from him when she noticed the look of pain on his face.
"What's wrong?"
"I can't talk about it now," Xander replied, and then seeing that Willow was about to say something else, he quickly added. "I'm going to get everyone together at the magic shop and tell everyone at once."
"Okay," Willow agreed, understanding why it would be better to tell everyone at once. "I know we haven't been close for years, but I still worry about you," Willow told him.
"You're still my Will,' Xander assured her, only then reaching over and giving her a quick hug.
When he pulled back he asked her, "Is Tara home?"
"Yeah," Willow told him, knowing that he would want to apologise to her as well. She smiled warmly at him and then turned around and walked inside.
"Tara!" he heard her call out.
A few moments later, Tara walked out to the front verandah, greeting Xander warmly when she saw that he looked better than he had the night before. "Hey, come inside," she told him.
Xander shook his head. "I can't stay long," he told her, which was only half the truth. He felt he didn't deserve to be invited inside their house. Not yet anyway. "I'm really sorry about last night."
Tara simply nodded in acceptance of his words. She knew him well enough to know that last night wasn't the Xander they all knew. "You feeling better?" she asked.
Xander let out an ironic laugh. "They say be careful what you wish for, don't they?"
Realisation dawned on Tara, but before she could say anything, Xander filled it in for her.
"I remember it all."
Having spent the last month, trying to dislodge the barriers in Xander's memory, almost daily, Tara felt no end of joy at the news she had just been told. She reached out and gave Xander a big hug, but broke away quickly when she realised that Xander wasn't returning it. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"I'm going to fill everyone in on the stuff involving Buffy and what's coming up, at the Magic shop later today," he told her avoiding his question.
"But?" she asked, before noticing his journal that was laid on the seat next to him. She wondered if there was a lot more to tell. "You can tell me," she told him softly but firmly.
"I need to, want to...But, god, Tara, I don't know if I should."
Tara could see that something was weighing heavily on Xander's mind and she surmised that whatever it was, was probably written in the pages of the journal she had given him. "Do you want to give that to me?" she said motioning to the journal.
"There's a lot of stuff in there." Xander picked up the book and held it in his hands wondering if he could do what he was thinking of doing. "I need to talk to someone, Tara," he told her handing her the book. "But, don't feel as though you have to read it. I can't force that on you."
Tara took the journal from him and looked Xander straight in the eye. "I'll read it. Thank-you for trusting me," she told him
Xander simply nodded. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah," Tara replied. She stood there watching as Xander walked away, wondering just what was contained in the pages she had in her hands, and what Xander was so upset about.
**************
Even though she knew Dawn hadn't arrived home much before 5.00am, Buffy took just a small amount of glee at banging loudly on her door. "Dawn! Time to wake up!" she yelled.
True it was only 10.00am, but Dawn did have work in under two hours, and knowing her sister like she did, Buffy knew that once you added in breakfast and getting ready, they would probably be rushing over to the magic shop anyway.
"Dawn!" she yelled again. Her previous attempts at waking her sister up had given Buffy no response.
"Wha...I'm up," A muffled reply floated through the doorway.
"Sure you are," Buffy chuckled, but then upon hearing the sound of Dawn's feet hitting the floor, she knew that Dawn was indeed awake. "I'm making breakfast," she called out again before moving off and walking down the stairs.
Once she entered the kitchen she walked straight over the fridge and started pulling out the ingredients that she required for the morning. She was just about to place the milk on the counter when a soft knock at the back door averted her attention. Looking up, she was overjoyed to see Xander standing there.
"Hey!" she called out to him, motioning at the same time for him to come in.
Opening the door, Xander moved slowly over to where Buffy was bent of the kitchen bench. "I'm sorry for last night," he told her sincerely.
"Are you okay now?" she asked.
Xander shrugged. "I'm not going to treat my friends like I did last night, so that's an upside," he said trying to lift his mood and the atmosphere that had been surrounding him a little higher.
**********
Upstairs, Dawn wiped some of the sleep away from her eyes, and took a good look at the reflection in the mirror, noticing with a little grimace, that the night's excesses had taken a small toll on her. One look into the eyes could sum up night she had enjoyed.
After washing her face down, she toweled it off, before wrapping her robe around her and walking out into the hallway. As she made her way down the steps, the aroma of Buffy's cooking floated up, filling the need inside of her for sustenance. She had reached the bottom step when another voice halted her progress.
Now wasn't the time that Dawn wanted to run into Xander.
Leaning back against the wall, Dawn shut her eyes wondering if she should just go back upstairs, but found herself instead riveted to the floor.
"You don't look that well," Buffy told Xander as she looked up. Before he could answer, or tell her what happened the night before she asked him, "Do you remember what I said to you before you left to got to LA?"
Xander nodded, remembering how close the three of them were then. "A different time and place," he told her sadly.
"It's not you know. You could move back in?" she suggested.
By the look on Xander's face, Buffy was sure that he was about to agree, but a second later, his expression changed, and Buffy really didn't need his words to tell her his answer.
On the staircase, Dawn held her breath, not knowing if she wanted Xander to accept or not.
"I can't," he simply said.
"Yes, you can," she told him, now stopping her food preparation, and focusing all of her attention on her friend. "I worry, and I think it would be good for you."
"But, Dawn..." Xander started.
"Dawn'll get used to it," Buffy interrupted him.
"It's not my house Buffy. It's yours and Dawn's. I can't move in on her like that. She can't stand being around me as it is," Xander replied, the idea hitting him in the heart. For a year it was his home, his and Dawn's and now the idea of turning down a chance to move in was causing great pain.
For the first time since Xander had moved back, Dawn truly wondered about what hurt she had given him. For so long she'd only concerned herself with her own pain, but they feelings in his voice when he refused were hitting her hard.
"Why?" Buffy asked, seeing that Xander was getting upset over the suggestion. "Why can't you?"
When Xander didn't reply, Buffy added, "Dawn will come around."
Xander however shook his head, almost squeezing out his answer. "I can't do it, Buffy. I can't have her hating me."
A single tear slipped from the left eye, as Dawn stood there, her head leaning back against the wall, hearing Xander's words repeat themselves inside her.
End Part Fourteen
"Hey watch where you're going!"
For a while, Xander couldn't tell if the voice he'd heard was just one of the myriad of sounds reverberating around his head, or something else. It sounded far off, which was surprising when he could see the woman standing in front of him, her hand on her hip, as she waited impatiently for a response.
"I'm sorry," Xander said apologetically, now realising that in his overwhelming thoughts, he'd almost walked into her.
"Look up next time," the lady replied bitterly before stepping around him.
He just stood there watching as she walked off. He had no fight left in him, feeling inside like he's just gone the distance with a prizefighter. He watched as she walked around the corner, and then stared in fascination at all the people walking around Sunnydale that night. None of it seemed real to him, and as people past strode past, he had to fight the urge to pull them up and ask if he knew them. Not that he thought he did, but only a few minutes ago, what he knew and what he didn't got turned substantially on it's head, making Xander very unsure of what was right in his world.
Shaking his head, not so much at the near collision, but in some last attempt to come to grips with his memories, Xander turned around and looked down the street in the opposite direction to that which he was walking. He no longer had any urge to go back to his apartment. He knew exactly where he wanted to go, and how to get there.
He doubted however his dress would pass for formal, but by that time, Xander no longer cared. There was someone he needed to see, and the lack of a tuxedo was no longer a concern.
******
With the wonderful dinner that they'd both prepared now settling in their stomachs, Willow and Tara settled down on the couch. Willow sat down first, then Tara did, letting herself fall into Willow's arms as music from their stereo system started. Tara let herself fall into Willow embrace and let stroke her hair, as she let out a breath, relaxing herself.
It was in this position that the phone rang interrupting their personal nirvana. Tara groaned, but realising that she would have to get up for Willow to answer it, she knew that it would be up to her to answer it anyway.
"Hello," she said, hiding any of her mild irritation.
"Tara," Buffy's slightly panicked voice said, answering Tara's greeting.
"Hey Buffy," Tara replied, then added noticing the tone Buffy spoke with. "Are you okay?"
"I don't know. Xander was over here just before and he acted all weird then, just took off."
"Do you know where he went?" Tara asked, looking down at Willow, letting her know that something was up.
"No. I was going to follow him, but he didn't seem to want to talk to me, so I thought you might have a better... damn I should've followed him."
Tara could notice the slight panic in Buffy's voice and realised that whatever had happened had upset her greatly. "He'll be okay," she said trying to reassure her.
Tara had spent a great deal of time with Xander since his return and knew how much his friendship with all his friends meant to him, especially getting those friendships back to where they were. She couldn't think that Xander would freak Buffy out of purpose, so whatever had happened was something out of the ordinary.
"I'll go over to his place and see if he's there," Tara replied. "I'll call you when I have any news, okay?"
"Thanks. Call me as soon as you know."
"I will. Bye," Tara added, before hanging up and turning her head to where Willow had moved to the right of her. "Xander's taken off, Buffy wanted me to go and see if he went home."
Willow nodded, not questioning why Tara had gotten the job. She knew that the sessions that they had shared would be invaluable in this instance. "I'll come with you."
"Thanks, but I don't know if that's the right thing for Xander," Tara added delicately. If Xander didn't want to talk to Buffy, he may not want to talk to Willow either. Or herself, she realised.
"Just till I know he is okay," Willow replied leaning in and giving her lover a small kiss. "I don't want you waiting by her self."
*******************
The music continued pulsating at a regular, but very loud beat, making it great to dance to, but impossible to hear someone unless you talked straight into their ear. Which is why, Dawn realised, Adam was at present leaning down to whisper to her.
"I'm going to get a drink," Adam he told her, making a face showing how parched he was as way of convincing his girlfriend.
"Okay," Dawn replied, not really wanting to stop dancing already, but knowing that keeping Adam on the dance floor for longer than he wanted was counter productive. That and she noticed that Stacey had taken a seat, having been left even early by her date, and looked like she could do with some company. She followed Adam off the dance floor, her hand entwined in his, till he turned to go to the bar, she went the other way. She watched him walk away, then turned and walked the few steps to where Stacey was sitting down.
Stacey grinned at her as she did. "Adam actually stayed on the dance floor for thirty minutes. I'm impressed," she sarcastically commented.
Dawn simply through her a 'look' and replied, "I see your date has even less staying power."
Even though it was her first inclination to respond with another retort, Stacey, after a moment had to agree. "Yeah, but in my defense, he's Corey," she told Dawn.
Dawn couldn't help herself but laugh. "He is, isn't he. And yet you said yes."
"Well he's also cute," Stacey replied, turning her head to see Corey and Adam in an animated conversation by the drinks area. "Well at least sometimes he is," she said with a giggle.
Dawn laughed as well, before shooting another look over to where Adam had gone off to, her laugh stopping as she did. It was something that didn't go pass Stacey's keen eye. "So, what's wrong?" she asked concerned.
"Nothing," Dawn answered defensively.
"I know you too well for that performance to convince me," Stacey replied.
There was sometimes when a best friend wasn't a good thing. When you are trying to keep secret your feelings is a time when a best friend isn't wanted. However for all the wishing that she hadn't sat down next to Stacey at that particular time, Dawn knew that she couldn't get out of it.
"It's just that, and please don't think I'm being ungrateful, cause it has been a lot of fun tonight, but..."
"But, it doesn't match up to your fantasy," Stacey said finishing off Dawn's sentence. Stacey leant back as if was the least important revelation of the night. "Don't worry. From what my older sister and her friends said, it never does. Well apart from in the movies."
"Yeah," Dawn agreed, still not feeling any brighter.
"Besides, all of your dreams usually involved a man who isn't your date for tonight," Stacey told her. She knew she was being a little indelicate, but whenever it was time to call it how you saw it, Stacey was just the girl to do it.
"That's not fair," Dawn protested. "Adam has been the only one of my mind for the last year at least."
"Until a month ago," Stacey corrected.
Dawn is about to protest again but realised it was pointless. "I never thought I'd see him again, and now it's all so complicated."
"Well it would be considering, you're in a year long relationship with someone else," Stacey replied, "who I know you really like. It's just he doesn't quite match up to the fantasy."
"Nothing ever does," Dawn admitted.
"Well if you actually talked to Xander, instead of running away," Stacey said with a giggle.
"This isn't funny," Dawn said a little annoyed at her best friend laughing at her own expense.
"Sorry," Stacey added, exaggerating her 'sorry' face to maximum effect.
"Oh stop it," Dawn replied, laughing again. She continued laughing as she remembered something from earlier that night. Catching the look Stacey gave, she took pity on her friend and let her into the joke. "Did you see the look that Xander gave me tonight?"
"Oh you missed the best part. I practically had to hit him across the face to get him to break his stare before your boyfriend either got jealous, or ran away and hid."
"Stop it," Dawn said, laughing at the image Stacey had just planted in her mind. When she'd stopped she continued on with her thought. "That look. He looked so hurt, but also..." she paused trying to find the right words.
"Also he was totally checking you out," Stacey added, succinctly as ever.
"He wasn't," Dawn replied indignantly, but not before a small smile escaped her lips at the thought.
"Whatever," Stacey replied, thinking that the conversation was bordering on being sickly cute. She really wanted to talk to Dawn about all of this, but tonight really wasn't the night. There was however one thing she wanted to say.
"Look, it's about time you decided what you wanted from him, or maybe what you want from yourself. Cause if you don't make up your mind and you keep treating him like crap, I don't think there'll be choice to make."
"Well if he actually cared for me, he wouldn't put up with my crap," Dawn replied, flooring Stacey with whatever brand of logic she'd just used.
"Umm, okay," She replied, showing in her face, just how much she thought of what Dawn had just said, and then looking at her friends face she could tell that Dawn herself knew just how bad that what she had said actually sounded.
Dawn's expression, unlike during most of the conversation, showed no trace of humour when she spoke again.
"You didn't know how close we were, Stace. I know I've told you but without being there I'm not sure if you can really know. Don't you think I want that back? I want to be able to tell him anything, to go to him when I feel awful and have him cheer him up. And dammit, to hold him while he's going through whatever the hell it is he's going through."
"Then why don't you," Stacey asked softly and calmly.
Dawn thought about that for a second before answering it. "I just can't. I've tried to, but every time I think about talking to him, all I can see is that letter he sent to me."
Stacey nodded, knowing from one of Dawn's late night explanations, how badly the letter had hurt her in very plain and precise details.
"I just can't get past it." Dawn added quietly.
"You know it only hurts so much, cause you love him," Stacey told her.
"I know," Dawn replied, chuckling a hollow laugh. "I'm kind a sad, aren't I?"
"Not as sad, as I am, leaving you here for this long," Adam said, as he came up from behind and leant down and kissed Dawn on the lips, softly. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.
Dawn smiled at him, and sincerely answered. "I'd love to," before letting him take his hand and be lead to the dance floor.
Stacey wondered how long Adam had been there before he said anything. Maybe he had only just arrived, or maybe he had decided he'd heard enough. Either way she was glad Dawn had been taken back out of the dance floor. Tonight was a night for romantic fun, not the dramas that seemed to be enveloping her friend's life. She shot the couple one last glance, noticing with a smile that Adam was no doubt trying to make up for all the time he'd left her alone, by kissing her softly as they moved together.
Looking back at the bar, she saw, not to her great surprise that Corey was still animatedly chatting with his friends.
'Well,' she thought, 'time to make him cringe at the thought of leaving his date for so long.' And with that she got up and strode purposefully over to where he was standing.
Through the open doorway, not seen by any of the guests at the Prom, a male dressed in jeans and a shirt, poked his head through and searched with his eyes the room in front of him. After a few seconds his eyes clearly focussed on one couple dancing in the middle of the room. He didn't know what it felt like to have a knife plunged into his heart, but at that exact moment, he felt he could make an incredibly accurate guess to exactly how it must feel. Watching as Adam leant down and kissed Dawn again, Xander couldn't face it anymore, and turned and stood in the corridor outside the main room. He wished that he could get it out of his head, but along with all the other memories of Dawn, he had a new one indelibly imprinted on his heart. Shaking his head, angry at even thinking she would be interested in him, he quickly retreated, walking past a teacher who was obviously interested in what this stranger was doing.
"Hey! What are you doing here?" the teacher called out.
But by then Xander had switched off his hearing, and could think of only one thing. He wanted to get home.
To go home and try to forget.
******************
He had no idea how long it had taken him to get back to his apartment building, but by the time he'd reached the ground floor entrance to the stairs, his breath was now short and loud, echoing up the stairwell. Pausing a moment and gathering his thoughts as much as his energy, he then took off up the steps, looking forward to nothing more than a shower and a nights sleep, though he doubted he would get much of the latter. Xander knew he never slept well when he was either, worried, pissed off or upset. As the night he'd just had, pretty much tapped out all of those emotions, he knew he'd been watching the sun rise this morning.
Rounding the end corridor of his apartment building, Xander almost failed to notice the two women who had been sitting in front of his apartment door. If it hadn't been for the fact that he almost tripped over Willow's feet, and that both Willow and Tara were blocking the door, he may well have not even noticed their presence.
As it was, when he righted himself, and looked down, he merely grunted, "Hi," before opening the door and attempting to walk through.
It was Tara that actually placed herself in between Xander and the open doorway, stopping his path.
"What do you want, Tara," Xander said forcibly, but without raising his voice.
"Where've you been?" Willow asked from behind him. "We're all been worried."
"Not everyone," Xander replied bitterly, thinking back to the kiss that he had witnessed less than thirty minutes earlier.
"Buffy called me," Tara said laying a hand on Xander's shoulder. "She was really upset."
Hearing those words, spoken with the even tone that Tara always did, broke through just a little of Xander's mood. It reminded Xander of the sessions that Tara and he had been involved in. How her voice had always been calming to him and made him feel safe. It took the venom away from his voice, but not the intent. "I'm sorry, but I just want to be alone."
"Are you sure?" Willow asked.
"No, I thought I'd just say it for a laugh," Xander replied, his bitterness returning.
"Xander!" Tara said, shocked at how he had just spoken.
"Look," Xander started, running his hands over his temple, trying to keep a lid on his frustration. "I've got a lot of things to think about, and I really don't want to talk to anyone, so please leave me alone," Xander stated, almost keeping his voice at a normal speaking volume.
"No," Tara replied. "I'm not leaving till I know you're okay."
Xander shook his head, letting out a groan. He wanted a drawn out argument even less than company. "Fine, the couch is super comfy, but I suppose it's all a babysitter," he looks over to Willow, "or two, needs."
"Are you sure you are okay?" Willow asks, not wanting to force her way into Xander's apartment. 'Maybe they should leave him for the night,' she thought.
"I'm fine," Xander replied exasperated.
Willow tugged on Tara's arm and indicated that they should go. When Tara turned she saw something in Willow's eyes that told her it would be okay.
"We'll see you tomorrow?" Tara asks.
"Yeah, fine," Xander replied, before taking a step through the door and slamming it behind him, without saying goodbye, leaving two very astonished and worried friends outside.
*****************
Even though she realised it was a fruitless exercise, Buffy continued to replay over and over, the nights events in her mind, trying to work out what caused Xander to run out like that. She was never any good and sitting around and letting others do the work, but tonight she was even less calm. When the sound of knocking shook her from her thoughts she practically rushed over the front door.
She was a little disappointed when she saw it wasn't Xander who had returned, but moved aside to let Willow and Tara enter, noting that they didn't look particularly happy.
"Did you find him?" Buffy asked as she closed the door behind them.
Willow nodded. "Yeah, well, he found us."
"Is he okay?" Buffy asked.
Both Willow and Tara shrugged. "He seemed alright, but..." Tara replied, not knowing how to exactly put Xander's reaction to them. She could tell that he was hurting, but she would be lying if she didn't say it also hurt herself and Willow, how he spoke to them.
"He was really angry and rude to us," Willow added, not having any such dilemma.
"Did he say anything at all?" Buffy wondered.
"Not really, but he said he'll see us tomorrow," Willow replied.
"Well, he said it, but I'm not sure," Tara added. "He's not really himself."
Buffy nodded. "I'm going over to see him," she stated, already heading for the door.
In the haste that she was in, Buffy had almost made it outside the door, when she felt someone lightly try to drag her back. She looked up and noticed with surprise that Tara had been the one to try and stop her. Knowing that she could've quite easily shrugged out of her hand, Buffy stopped instead to see what she had to say.
"Not tonight. See if he comes tomorrow first," Tara told her gently.
Buffy nodded and walked back inside, shutting the door behind her. "I can't help feeling it's my fault," Buffy replied, slumping her shoulders. "If he hadn't jumped in front..."
"That's so long ago. You may as well say it's your fault for moving to Sunnydale." Willow told her, then seeing the slightly hurt look on Buffy's face, she quickly added, "Not that I think it is."
"I just feel helpless," she quietly admitted.
*************
--Now I remember why I love to come home--
The fly had sat there for almost two minutes, Xander surmised. At least that was his estimate for how long he had sat there staring at it. Not that the fly was particularly interesting, but after spending an hour staring at the wall, to have some thing else to take his interest, even if it was something as small as a house-fly, was a welcome distraction.
--Maybe you never loved her, Xander. I may have disliked you, but I thought I could've counted on that--
But just as Xander was finding some solace in the little insect, it flew off, and in the semi-darkness, Xander's reactions weren't quick enough to follow where it flew to.
--I've been thinking about you and I, and I need to say stuff--
Sighing at the end of his little show, Xander was soon abandoned to the thoughts and memories that seemed to be on permanent re-run in his head. He tried to steer his thoughts back to the current night, only have moderate success. He couldn't deny the feeling he had as Dawn walked down the stairs at her place, only to be met by her boyfriend. It was one of pure jealousy, and yet at the time he didn't understand why. That came mere minutes later, when the memories that had been so long blocked from his consciousness broke through and suddenly the love and commitment he felt towards her hit him like a tone of bricks. He couldn't stay at Buffy's it was all too real and raw for him to sit there and have a conversation with the sister of the woman he loved. Although he knew he was being rude, and no doubt worried her greatly, taking off at that point was better than blurting out his love for Dawn. That was one confrontation that he felt would be best put off till he had spoken to woman in question herself.
--What if going back in time has only one effect. And that effect is something to do with you and you die. It's something I won't allow to happen--
But along with his memory of Dawn, everything else came flooding back at the same time. Buffy's death, even though he knew it was coming, had been like an empty shell. But now it was full of details all inside his head. Suddenly he not only had the how and why, but the emotions of when he'd first found out. To be talking to Buffy while at the same time remembering his feelings when he visited her grave, was a position he didn't think he could take at that time.
--Ooh, look who's standing under the mistletoe--
But there were other memories, happy memories that flooded his consciousness as well. His friendship with Wesley and Cordelia brought many of those, but even a few hours later Xander found it hard to remember exactly what was from the future and what was from the past. In fact at present Xander was having a hard time separating any of his memories. His time in LA, which had seemed to be under a cloud of the Powers interference, was melding with the future he would no longer have. His annoyance and feelings of betrayal by Angel had been joined and amplified by the hatred he felt for his future deeds. Deeds that the Angel he knew, wouldn't be doing now. At least he wouldn't if Xander made sure Buffy survived what was coming in San Francisco.
--I don't want you to go--
And thinking of LA always brought up the face of Anne, someone who had been nothing but a great friend to him. Knowing how she felt, and how easily it would be to feel the same way, in the most normal of circumstances he would be sharing his life with her. But now more than ever he understood why he could never be with Anne in LA. He knew why his engagement to Anya failed. And why it tore his heart in two to see Dawn and Adam dancing and kissing at their Prom.
--The only hold I feel, and I love it, is the one you have over me-
His body had known, even if he couldn't remember, his heart was already taken.
--Don't worry. I won't let him go again--
Xander knew however, that the girl that held his heart was gone. Her life would never be lived.
--It's just..wow, you look so....well, old--
And that only made him feel even more alone than he had felt all night.
--I've been thinking about you and I, and I need to say stuff-
He could feel himself being slowly driven crazy with all the conflicting emotions and memories that were running through his head, and had no idea what to do. Going anywhere wasn't an option. No matter what trickery had been involved, he had a chance to save Buffy, and that was more important than anything else at present. He knew they would need all the help they could get. And that meant Angel.
--For gods sake, Angel. You're the one you turned up here, it's about time you told us why?--
Going to LA wasn't the worst idea, Xander would ever have. He had good friends there. But he also knew in his heart that someone else would need to accompany him, just in case the meeting with the souled vampire didn't go all that friendly.
--But you would be back where you belong, and maybe that will be enough to save Buffy--
He knew he had to talk to the others. They all needed to know what he knew. They all needed to work together. But the pain Xander felt personally, needed attention as well and he didn't know whom to turn to. Talking to Buffy would've been the first thing on his list, but since a great deal of his problems revolved around him and Dawn, he vetoed that idea.
--I love you--
In the end, he didn't make a decision. In a way it was made for him. In one of his many glances around the darkened room, he noticed the journal that Tara had given to him, laying on its side against the wall. He immediately remembered how rude he had been to her and Willow and how much Tara had given him in her time to help him since his return to Sunnydale.
--I love you, so much--
Realising that he really didn't want to run through a blow by blow description to anyone of his memories, writing them down would make it a lot easier, and would be easier for someone to understand. As he picked up the book and started writing the first words, he did stop for a second and wonder if he had the right to do what he was about to. Did he have the right to give Tara these memories?
**********
"I'll see you in fifteen," Dawn called out to her friends, who'd just dropped her off, before placing her front door key in the lock and turning it, trying to be as quiet as possible, so not to wake Buffy up.
It took only one step inside however for her to realise that waking Buffy was not a problem, as her older sister was siting by herself, with a cup of coffee, seemingly deep in thought.
"Buffy?" Dawn called out to her, a little worried that her sister had yet to acknowledge her coming through the door.
Buffy glanced up, a little shocked to see Dawn there, but regaining her composure quickly. "Oh, hi Dawn. How was the prom?"
"It was fun," Dawn replied.
Buffy glanced over the clock on the wall, and then looked at surprise at her sister. "If it was so much fun, what're you doing home so early?"
Dawn brushed down the front of her dress and replied, "I'm not going to the all-nighter in this dress. Stacey coming to get me in a little while."
"Oh," Buffy responded.
"What's wrong?" Dawn asked coming over and taking a seat next to her sister.
Buffy didn't want to tell Dawn about what happened. For one thing she was in the middle of her Prom, and even if the formal part of it was over, she didn't think Dawn deserved any news that might bring her mood down. On the flipside however Buffy really didn't want to hear Dawn bad-mouthing Xander again. Not that Dawn had done so in the last few weeks, but then again Buffy had made a point of not bringing him up in conversation if she could help it. One of these days Dawn would have to accept Xander back in their lives, Buffy knew that. But tonight wasn't the night to try.
"It's nothing," Buffy said to her, lying not that successfully.
"Buffy?" Dawn replied, catching the absence of truth in her sister's words.
"It's Xander," she simply said.
"What's happened?" Dawn asked surprising Buffy with her apparent concern.
"Just after you left, he...well I don't know what happened, but he took off out of here. Something happened," she replied, still feeling helpless.
"He left?" Dawn replied sounding alarmed.
Buffy noted the panic in her sister's eyes, and tried to calm her down. "He's hasn't gone anywhere. He's at his apartment. Tara and Willow went over to see if he was okay, but he didn't want to talk to them."
"Sometimes you can't make people talk to you. Maybe he'll have to do that himself."
"Maybe," Buffy agreed, then getting the finding the curious side of her personality she asked, "So what's caused the turnaround on your front?"
"Me?" Dawn said getting up, acting all innocent. The last thing she wanted to tell Buffy was that she realised she had been acting like a brat. "I'm just trying to be comforting to my sister."
Buffy shook her head, not really believing a word that Dawn said, although appreciating the sentiment. "Okay," she said with a smile. "Go and get changed and I'll see you in the morning. Remember you have work at midday."
Dawn rolled her eyes. "As if I could forget. Giles, I love him to death, but he has a mean streak making me work the day after the prom." She said as she walked up the stairs.
*************
Even though Xander had gone over to visit Willow on so many occasions during his life, it didn't make the butterflies settle any better in his stomach. He knew his actions last night hadn't been fair on his friends, and his less than friendly actions had mostly been vented on the two friends that lived together in the house in front of him. Setting his journal down on one of the chairs that had been set up on the verandah of the house, he pushed the button that rang the doorbell.
A few seconds later, the door opened and Willow appeared from behind the door. It didn't take Xander long to see the hurt Willow had on her face last night hadn't disappeared.
"I'm sorry," Xander told her looking very ashamed at his actions.
"Are you okay?" she asked him.
"Not really," Xander admitted, then after a second simply told her, "I remember."
"Oh my god," Willow squealed, before reaching forward to envelope her life long friend in a hug. She stopped a fraction of a second away from him when she noticed the look of pain on his face.
"What's wrong?"
"I can't talk about it now," Xander replied, and then seeing that Willow was about to say something else, he quickly added. "I'm going to get everyone together at the magic shop and tell everyone at once."
"Okay," Willow agreed, understanding why it would be better to tell everyone at once. "I know we haven't been close for years, but I still worry about you," Willow told him.
"You're still my Will,' Xander assured her, only then reaching over and giving her a quick hug.
When he pulled back he asked her, "Is Tara home?"
"Yeah," Willow told him, knowing that he would want to apologise to her as well. She smiled warmly at him and then turned around and walked inside.
"Tara!" he heard her call out.
A few moments later, Tara walked out to the front verandah, greeting Xander warmly when she saw that he looked better than he had the night before. "Hey, come inside," she told him.
Xander shook his head. "I can't stay long," he told her, which was only half the truth. He felt he didn't deserve to be invited inside their house. Not yet anyway. "I'm really sorry about last night."
Tara simply nodded in acceptance of his words. She knew him well enough to know that last night wasn't the Xander they all knew. "You feeling better?" she asked.
Xander let out an ironic laugh. "They say be careful what you wish for, don't they?"
Realisation dawned on Tara, but before she could say anything, Xander filled it in for her.
"I remember it all."
Having spent the last month, trying to dislodge the barriers in Xander's memory, almost daily, Tara felt no end of joy at the news she had just been told. She reached out and gave Xander a big hug, but broke away quickly when she realised that Xander wasn't returning it. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"I'm going to fill everyone in on the stuff involving Buffy and what's coming up, at the Magic shop later today," he told her avoiding his question.
"But?" she asked, before noticing his journal that was laid on the seat next to him. She wondered if there was a lot more to tell. "You can tell me," she told him softly but firmly.
"I need to, want to...But, god, Tara, I don't know if I should."
Tara could see that something was weighing heavily on Xander's mind and she surmised that whatever it was, was probably written in the pages of the journal she had given him. "Do you want to give that to me?" she said motioning to the journal.
"There's a lot of stuff in there." Xander picked up the book and held it in his hands wondering if he could do what he was thinking of doing. "I need to talk to someone, Tara," he told her handing her the book. "But, don't feel as though you have to read it. I can't force that on you."
Tara took the journal from him and looked Xander straight in the eye. "I'll read it. Thank-you for trusting me," she told him
Xander simply nodded. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah," Tara replied. She stood there watching as Xander walked away, wondering just what was contained in the pages she had in her hands, and what Xander was so upset about.
**************
Even though she knew Dawn hadn't arrived home much before 5.00am, Buffy took just a small amount of glee at banging loudly on her door. "Dawn! Time to wake up!" she yelled.
True it was only 10.00am, but Dawn did have work in under two hours, and knowing her sister like she did, Buffy knew that once you added in breakfast and getting ready, they would probably be rushing over to the magic shop anyway.
"Dawn!" she yelled again. Her previous attempts at waking her sister up had given Buffy no response.
"Wha...I'm up," A muffled reply floated through the doorway.
"Sure you are," Buffy chuckled, but then upon hearing the sound of Dawn's feet hitting the floor, she knew that Dawn was indeed awake. "I'm making breakfast," she called out again before moving off and walking down the stairs.
Once she entered the kitchen she walked straight over the fridge and started pulling out the ingredients that she required for the morning. She was just about to place the milk on the counter when a soft knock at the back door averted her attention. Looking up, she was overjoyed to see Xander standing there.
"Hey!" she called out to him, motioning at the same time for him to come in.
Opening the door, Xander moved slowly over to where Buffy was bent of the kitchen bench. "I'm sorry for last night," he told her sincerely.
"Are you okay now?" she asked.
Xander shrugged. "I'm not going to treat my friends like I did last night, so that's an upside," he said trying to lift his mood and the atmosphere that had been surrounding him a little higher.
**********
Upstairs, Dawn wiped some of the sleep away from her eyes, and took a good look at the reflection in the mirror, noticing with a little grimace, that the night's excesses had taken a small toll on her. One look into the eyes could sum up night she had enjoyed.
After washing her face down, she toweled it off, before wrapping her robe around her and walking out into the hallway. As she made her way down the steps, the aroma of Buffy's cooking floated up, filling the need inside of her for sustenance. She had reached the bottom step when another voice halted her progress.
Now wasn't the time that Dawn wanted to run into Xander.
Leaning back against the wall, Dawn shut her eyes wondering if she should just go back upstairs, but found herself instead riveted to the floor.
"You don't look that well," Buffy told Xander as she looked up. Before he could answer, or tell her what happened the night before she asked him, "Do you remember what I said to you before you left to got to LA?"
Xander nodded, remembering how close the three of them were then. "A different time and place," he told her sadly.
"It's not you know. You could move back in?" she suggested.
By the look on Xander's face, Buffy was sure that he was about to agree, but a second later, his expression changed, and Buffy really didn't need his words to tell her his answer.
On the staircase, Dawn held her breath, not knowing if she wanted Xander to accept or not.
"I can't," he simply said.
"Yes, you can," she told him, now stopping her food preparation, and focusing all of her attention on her friend. "I worry, and I think it would be good for you."
"But, Dawn..." Xander started.
"Dawn'll get used to it," Buffy interrupted him.
"It's not my house Buffy. It's yours and Dawn's. I can't move in on her like that. She can't stand being around me as it is," Xander replied, the idea hitting him in the heart. For a year it was his home, his and Dawn's and now the idea of turning down a chance to move in was causing great pain.
For the first time since Xander had moved back, Dawn truly wondered about what hurt she had given him. For so long she'd only concerned herself with her own pain, but they feelings in his voice when he refused were hitting her hard.
"Why?" Buffy asked, seeing that Xander was getting upset over the suggestion. "Why can't you?"
When Xander didn't reply, Buffy added, "Dawn will come around."
Xander however shook his head, almost squeezing out his answer. "I can't do it, Buffy. I can't have her hating me."
A single tear slipped from the left eye, as Dawn stood there, her head leaning back against the wall, hearing Xander's words repeat themselves inside her.
End Part Fourteen