|Tori|

Saturday slugs by at a glacial pace. More than once my hand scoops up my phone, determined to end this nonsense, to tell Jade that I don't care about the growing feelings – that they may not even be real – and we should just hang out and talk as much as we want because we can, because it makes us happy.

But another determination trumps it, at least for the time. I need to prove to not only Jade that I can function without her, but to myself. I've never been bothered having to rely on people or opening up to those I think are worth it, but this urgency I have for Jade – this absorbing need to be with her all the time borders on something I don't know the name of and don't know how to describe.

Again, I am reminded about how I feel when I have a crush on someone. I shove the thought away. That's why this day off is necessary. I need to clear my head and sort out exactly how I feel about Jade.

Andre comes over and we eat lunch together. He plays me a new song he's writing and I can't help but think he was inspired by the troubles I confessed to him yesterday. The lines "you're a nice girl behind a scary mask, if you want me to take it off, all you have to do is ask" makes me raise my eyebrows at him, but he only grins and keeps playing.

I feel like I'm looking at the clock on my phone every five minutes. Noon passes. One. Despite all of the distractions around me – Andre, his music, his conversation – I can't stop my revolving thoughts; Jade, Jade, Jade -

"How many times are you going to check the time?"

I drop my phone into my lap and give a rough sigh. In the kitchen, Trina is making a sandwich ridiculously loudly, upset that I wouldn't make her own. I give Andre an apologetic look. "I must look like a jerk."

"No. You look smitten." Andre grins, this fingertips gliding over the strings. "C'mon. Let's sing about it."

Rolling my eyes, I sit up. "My feelings –" I stop. No. I don't have feelings for Jade. Right? That's what I'm supposed to be doing today … right? "Jade can't be condensed into a song. It would take an album."

"Would it?" He's smirking.

I shake my head. Moving from my couch to sit beside him, I settle my fist into his shoulder. "Well then, oh great songwriter. What should I sing?"

He ponders a moment, the dark skin of his fingers sliding over thick braids before his face brightens. Andre knows music on a level I can only ever hope to one day glimpse. Music speaks to me, certainly, and I'm passionate about it, but I can't make music like he can. The music he knows is much more personal. "I've got it," he finally says, readjusting his guitar. Trina stomps up the stairs behind us, giving me one last glare before she disappears. "You should know it. Here."

I know the song within a few short notes. It's an acoustic version but unmistakable. I stare at Andre for a moment before taking a deep breath and giving in.

I've got something to say to you
Yeah, I've got something to say
I noticed your eyes are always glued to me
Keeping 'em here and it makes no sense at all

Andre is pressing his lips together as hard as he can, knowing he's found a song that's practically perfect for our situation. I mean, if I had feelings for Jade. Which I don't. I don't think. Maybe.

If you want to play it like a game
Well come on, come on, let's play
'Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending
Than have to forget you for one whole minute

The music thrums with my heart strings. My voice grows softer, coming out from somewhere inside of me that's not a physical place.

I guess I'm dreaming again
Let's be more than this

He cuts the song off, but I don't look at him. Like music often does, it's drawn me somewhere in my mind that is usually locked up, even to me. My eyes close and I reflect on the words I've just sung – let's be more than this – and I think of Jade and feel my heart take a giant leap against my ribs.

A loud sigh rattles out of me. I open my eyes, the place locks up again, but I've already seen – felt, really – enough to know what lies behind it. "I have a legitimate crush on Jade."

Andre laughs heavy and loud, wrapping an arm around me and tucking me close. His mouth is by my temple when he speaks. "I know."

He has to leave shortly after that to take care of his grandma, but I'm too restless to be alone. After talking to Cat on the phone, we agree to meet at a popular vendor that sells slushies and smoothies on the same block as Hollywood Arts. She's there by the time I arrive, dressed in a nauseating green dress and lots of pink jewelry. She embraces me immediately and chitters like a songbird as we order our drinks. It's a sticky kind of warm today in California, so I peel back my half jacket and throw my hair up as Cat and I occupy a circular picnic table behind the vendor. I sip at my strawberry banana smoothie and play with my napkin while Cat talks. I listen to her, of course, because it can't be all about me, and I give her some advice about this guy, Chip, that she's not sure if she should date. Before I even get a chance to ask her, she pounces on the subject of Jade.

"So. You and Jade are awfully close lately, hm?" She's grinning and a part of me thinks she knows already. As ditzy as she comes off to be, Cat's not stupid. In fact, she's quite intuitive. My suspicions are confirmed as she continues. "I didn't want to ask Jade straight up – she'd get super defensive and I hate making her mad – but I could just tell."

"I don't ogle her too much, do I?"

"Just a little." She giggles. "But she's pretty! She's nice in her own way, has that bad girl thing going on. I get it." She hums for a moment, the tune to "Bad Reputation", which makes me laugh.

I give her a smile before staring at my drink. "It's complicated, though. I mean, she and Beck just broke up, and she's just recently been able to trust me." I lift my shoulders and let them drop. "I don't know what to do."

"You like her." Cat smiles. "And she likes you. I think. She's kind of hard to read, but she's been with you nonstop this week." Suddenly, her eyebrows collide. "Why aren't you together now?"

"We decided to take a break. She – we thought maybe we were feeling this way because we've been spending too much time together. You know. It's a lot all at once, especially for her, who's going through such a rough time with Beck." My eyes darken. "He's not making it any easier on her, either. I don't know what he's trying to do, but he's all bent because she won't talk to him. What does he expect?"

Cat's face is solemn now. "You're mad at him?"

"Of course. He broke her heart and he's making her feel bad for not wanting to be around him. Why would she want to talk to him after he did that to her?"

"Just because he broke up with her doesn't mean he never loved her. Doesn't love her still." She looks nervously at her hands. "Beck's a nice guy."

I straighten, feeling guilty. "Oh, Cat, I'm not trying to turn you on Beck. I swear. This wasn't – it wasn't supposed to be some Beck-bashing party." I sigh. "I know he's a nice guy. I've liked him since I moved here. But you have to admit that what he's doing is a little … well, mean."

Cat chews on her lip for a moment, eyes indecisive, though she finally gives an affirmative nod. "I guess you and Jade both need to remember that he lost someone he loved, too. I know he broke up with her and that Jade has more reason to be angry, but breaking up is a two-way street. He hurts, too. He doesn't know how to handle this any more than Jade does."

I sit for a moment, mulling that over. I was so focused on Jade that I forgot Beck has feelings, too, that this was probably one of the most difficult decisions he had to make. I frown down at my drink. His actions – trying to talk to Jade during school, texting her, calling her – haven't been out of malice. Beck's too nice for that. Maybe he's sincere about being friends with her. He wasn't with her for almost three years just because she's good looking. I might not understand why he broke up with her, but that doesn't change the fact that he's been my friend since I met him, much longer than I've been true friends with Jade.

Cat and I talk for a while longer, but she has a monologue to recite for Monday morning. She hugs me before taking off, reassuring me that "if the universe says it'll happen, it will!" I smile and wave at her as she speeds off in her car. I sit in mine with the windows down, staring at my phone. It's almost dinner time now. As I drive home I dial a number that isn't Cat's or Andre's or Jade's.

"Beck?"

"Tori?" He sounds confused. "Uh, hi. What's up?"

"I wanted to apologize for the way I've been treating you. Like you're a criminal or something." I take a deep breath. "It wasn't fair of me. I care about Jade, a lot, but you're my friend, too. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine." I can tell it's at least partly a lie. "It's getting a little easier, I guess, but it's only been a week. Three years doesn't go away that easily. Apology accepted, by the way. I'm glad Jade went to you, really. I honestly don't know what she would have done if she hadn't."

I nod into the phone. I don't want to think about what would have happened had she not come to my doorstep, eyes puffy from crying, silently asking if she could come in. Nothing good, I'm sure. "I still wish you wouldn't have lied about the break-up. She wouldn't be half as mad."

Beck sighs regretfully into the phone. "In hindsight, it was a pretty awful thing to do. I've tried to apologize for it, but she won't answer my calls. She won't even look at my face."

"I think all we can hope for is that time will help. I have a feeling Jade is great at holding grudges."

"You have no idea," he says gruffly.

When I get home I hang up, promising to talk to him on Monday. I feel relieved and lighter as I walk into my house. I have dinner with my family before sitting on the couch to watch a movie with them. I sit between my sister and my dad, encompassed by their presence. I rest my head on Trina's shoulder (much to her complaining – her shoulders are 'perfect and were not crafted to be rested upon') but she doesn't push me off. Surrounded with their warmth, their closeness, I can't help but think of Jade again, and how, when she had this, it was for such a brief amount of time. What kind of person would I have turned out to be if my parents had separated in an ugly divorce? If my dad alienated me and hated everything I did and my mom was never home? Would I have closed people off and refused to let anyone in?

It makes sense, what Jade has done her whole life. Kept herself protected. It was her only defense mechanism and, somehow, Beck found the chink in her armor, wiggled inside. And though I'm sure it kills him to know it, blew her up from the inside.

My parents retire around ten. I read a little for my English class and try to slave through a few math problems, but my eyes keep darting eagerly to the clock. An hour and a half. An hour. I'm not sure what I'm expecting, exactly, but I know midnight means Sunday, and Sunday means I can talk to Jade. The break is over. We can be together again.

I squeeze my eyes shut. Just because I have admitted having a real crush on Jade doesn't mean anything. We're still just friends. That's all we can be.

Right now, my mind tacks on.

At fifteen minutes to midnight, I'm gripping my phone and pacing around the width of my room. I picture Jade – poise, collected, maybe even asleep. It's entirely possible that I have fabricated the whole idea that Jade is having just as hard of a time as I am being away from her for so long. I'm done denying that being with her makes me happy, that I'd give anything to be with her right now. I can only hope that she feels the same way, that she's missed me as much as I've missed her, and that she'll be waiting for contact as soon as the day changes.

I watch each minute tick off on my phone, my foot bouncing off the floor.

11:59. I hold my breath until it rolls over to midnight, to Sunday, and before I can press the first number, there's an incoming call.

"Jade!" I say too loudly into the phone, but I don't care.

There's a lightness to her tone that I've only heard a handful of times since I've met her. "Hey, Vega. I take it you missed me."

"Like you weren't mourning my absence every second today."

"Yeah." She's laughing, but there's a certain sincerity to her voice. "You should come over."

"Now?"

"Yes."

I only think about it briefly. Then, I'm up on my feet and grabbing a bag, stuffing pajamas into it. "You're a terrible influence on me, Jade West."

"What are friends for?" She laughs, the sound sending my heart into a frenzy.

She hangs up and I'm making my way to my bedroom door.

A/N: The song used is "Crushcrushcrush" by Paramore.

I tried to wait until midnight to post this, because then it's technically Thursday, but then I decided it's midnight somewhere in the world and that's close enough.

Also, Tori just has much more determination than I do.

Review? It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas~