"How've you been?" Effy's excuses herself from the room to get dressed, leaving me alone with Emily. Unlike me the youngest twin can actually form a coherent sentence and so she falls back on small talk and asks how I am. I think I'm breaking in to tiny pieces that I won't be able to fit back together, that's how I'm feeling Emily, thanks for asking.
"Ok." I mumble, keeping my gaze on the floor. I cross my arms over my chest and force myself to make small talk. "You?"
"I'm good." She nods at me with a polite smile and this feels so fucking wrong. I shared some of the best and worst times of my life with this girl, took her virginity from her and loved her with every fibre of my being… and yet here we are, practically strangers, and every word between us feels forced. "I didn't know you were back."
"It was a last minute thing." I don't elaborate or tell her that mum's spent all year badgering me in to coming back. "I've got to go."
"Oh, ok. Maybe I'll see you around?" Maybe it's my imagination but her voice has that hopeful little lilt again. It's been a long time since it's been directed at me and I feel myself crumbling. I can't do this. I can't act like everything's ok between us; like I haven't spent the best part of three weeks fucking her sister.
"I don't know, maybe. I'm going back to London soon." I make a hasty retreat from the apartment, not caring about what I've left behind in Katie's room.
I've barely stepped off the stairs when I walk in to Katie; her face lights up and my heart breaks all the more. I don't give her a chance to speak, just push her up against the wall, my hands tangling in her hair as I kiss her for all I'm worth. Like it's the last kiss we'll ever share. We're both breathless by the time I pull away, though I don't move my hands, keeping her face pressed against mine. The tears forming in my eyes are hot and sting like hell, blurring my vision. "Come with me. Right now. Let's just leave, ok?"
"What's up with you?" Katie chuckles with a bemused frown. "I've got to pack a bag and check on Effy. I'll be an hour tops, then I'm all yours." She smiles against my mouth as she kisses me again. I wish it could be that simple, I really do.
"Please." I try again and she finally sees the state I'm in. My eyes are red and puffy, swollen with unshed tears. My voice is desperate as I plead with her to just come with me. Part of me thinks that if we just leave now we can somehow make this thing between us work. It's wishful thinking.
"Babe, what's wrong?" She steps forward and tries to cup my cheek with one of her perfectly manicured hands. I pull away from her touch. "What is it?"
"Emily." I choke out, my tears finally falling. "She came home early. She's upstairs."
The smile on Katie's face disappears in the blink of an eye as the atmosphere between us changes. She can't look me in the eye. "Come with me." I try one more time, but my pleading falls on deaf ears. She shakes her head at me, her soft chocolate coloured curls bouncing against her shoulders.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
The security door slams shut behind me as I storm out. I don't really know where I'm going; I'm blind with anger and self-pity. It's cold and wet outside and I'm only wearing a thin t-shirt and the sweatpants I left at Katie's. When I finally get my bearings I realise I'm closer to Cook's flat than to my own house so I start heading towards his place. It's a block of flats in the rougher part of town that serves as a sort of halfway house for ex-offenders. I've only been here once and I hadn't been keen on walking the surrounding streets alone at the time, but right now I could care less. I just want to get off my tits and if anyone can help with that it's Cook.
The lift up to his flat is small and dank and smells like piss. I'm amazed it even manages to get to the first floor never mind all the way up to the fifth. Cook's flat is the third one along the landing and I recognise it by sight more than by number. The peeling blue paint on the door is memorable to me and after a few minutes of pounding on the door Cook appears at it, confirming I have the right flat.
He frowns as he opens the door and peers at me through eyes that are barely more than slits. He stands in only his boxers and a pair of dirty white socks, peering at her like he doesn't realise who she is. After a moment he blinks away his confusion. "Blondie? What you doing here?" I open my mouth to answer him but the only sound that escapes my lips is a strangled sob. I break down there and then on his doorstep, my legs giving way from beneath me as I slump to the ground. "Whoa!" Cook lunges forward to catch me and practically carries me inside to his living room. He puts me down on the sofa and I wrap my arms around his neck as I cry in to his broad shoulder.
Eventually I calm down enough to answer his questions and as soon as I start I can't stop. I pour everything out to him. From the first night in the club, mistaking Katie for Emily, to my sudden realisation last night that I'm in love with her. "Fuck me Naoms!" He sighs as he runs a hand through his hair; it's getting a bit on the long side and poking out at odd angles. "Katie Fitch? Seriously? What the fuck were you thinking?"
"I wasn't!" I snap at him, my temper getting the better of me. I didn't come here for a lecture from Cook of all people.
"Obviously! I mean fucking hell, that's Red's sister man! Did you just wake up one morning and think how the fuck can I hurt her anymore? Jesus Christ!"
I'm taken aback by Cook's attitude. I never knew he and Emily were all that close and I'm shocked that he's actually shouting at me. "Fuck you Cook!" I get to my feet, my tears drying up as every emotion I'm feeling is replaced by blinding anger. "She hurt me too! I fucked up, I know that! But she gave up! Ok? I bore my fucking soul to her and she gave up on us! On me…"
"Naoms-" His expression softens as he steps forward and tries to put his arms around me. I push him off me and shake my head at him.
"No! Just fuck off, ok? I don't fucking need your pity!" He doesn't let me pull away from him though and his strong arms wrap around me like a cocoon. As soon as they do I give in and sink in to him. The tears come again and I sob in to his chest, soaking his skin. He pulls me down on to the sofa, sitting me on his lap and keeping his arms wrapped around.
"Life would be so much simpler if you just shagged me." Cook teases me and I can't help but chuckle at him. I shift uncomfortably as I feel something digging in to my leg.
"You've got a fucking hard on right now, haven't you?" I slam my fist in to his shoulder as I get back to my feet and wipe at my eyes. If he's trying to distract me it's working. He cackles like a hyena as I scowl and shout at him to get some fucking clothes on.
He pulls on a pair of chinos that are draped over the back of his sofa, which is a start at least. "Tell you what babes, me, you and JJ, down Uncle Keith's! We'll get bladdered, have a couple games of pool, hit on some fitties, what do you say?"
"The only fucking women in your uncle's pub are pensioners!" I roll my eyes at him, but have to admit the idea of getting drunk is a tempting one.
"Yeah, but that Sandra's a right goer!" He grins as he vulgarly thrusts his hips in the air, and since it's Cook we're talking about I'm not even sure if he's kidding or not. "Right Blondie, I'm gonna get some threads on, you give JJ a ring, yeah? See if Lara will let him out to play after work!"
He goes off to get dressed, leaving me searching my pockets for my phone. "Fuck!" I curse at the top of my voice as I come up empty. I've left my phone at Katie's. When I tell Cook he pulls his own out and sends a few texts before pocketing it again.
"Sorted, I've told JJ to meet us after work, and Effy's bringing your phone down to Uncle Keith's." I'm relieved that I won't have to go back to Katie's to pick it up and think no more about it until two hours later when Effy turns up at the pub; with Emily in tow.
In the two hours we've been in this shit hole Cook and I have put back at least three pints each, demolished a dozen shots and even risked the new barmaid's 'Cocktail Surprise', which given that Keith has a tendency to hire barmaids based on the size of their chest and not their IQ, it's a miracle it hasn't killed us. "EMILIO!" Cook knocks his chair to the floor as he springs to his feet and wraps the little redhead up in his arms. She laughs as he picks her up off her feet and spins her, the pair of them almost falling to the floor as he loses his balance. "Oi, Betty, how about some shots love?" He stumbles over to the bar and starts flirting with the big chested barmaid.
"How much has he had?" Emily laughs as she and Effy take a seat at our table in the corner.
"Not enough." I push my own chair back and join Cook at the bar; downing two shots the second Betty the barmaid puts them down in front of me. "New plan. I want to get seriously fucked up, like off my tits fucked up." Cook grins at me as he pulls out a little clear plastic baggy with powder in it. "How about a little pickup from Percy?" I take the bag from his hand and disappear in to the bathroom. I don't usually touch anything stronger than weed and maybe a little bit of MDMA, but I'm pretty sure taking that around Emily is what started all this mess in the first place, so Cook's coke will have to do.
I lock the door behind me and fumble with the bag, eventually managing to pour enough out on to the bench by the sink to make a line. I've never done this myself so I pull a card out of my purse and crush the powder even finer before pushing it in to a line. "For fuck sake!" I curse as there's a knock at the door.
"Open the fuck up." Effy snaps when she has to knock a second time and I eventually unlock the door and let her in. She flips down the lid of the toilet and takes a seat, narrowing her eyes at the powder on the bench. "Ems wanted to see Cook… and you've got to face her some time."
"No. I didn't. I could have stayed away, I could have fucking avoided all of this shit if I'd just never come back!" Of course that would mean I would never have ended up kissing Katie Fitch and somehow that seems worse. I pull my hair back and press a finger to my nose to block the other nostril as I bend down to snort the line I've just cut. My nose stings as the powder goes up, burning in the back of my throat. It's not an instant kick like most people think, I've got a good twenty minute wait before it will work its way to my brain. I can't stay in here until then so I take a deep breath and unlock the door. I pause with my hand on the door. "How's Katie?"
"I don't know…she was pretty quiet when she came home. I'm guessing she saw you." I nod my head, not risking turning around to face her. I feel my eyes beginning to sting and it's not from the drugs. I can't break down, not here in this filthy toilet with Emily sitting right outside.
"I asked her to come with me…she said no."
"Naoms, just give her time. This is hard for her too."
"She's made her choice Eff." I wrench the door open and make my way back to our table.
Emily and Cook are playing some sort of shot game that seems to consist solely of who can drink the most the quickest. Emily's winning. She always could handle her drink pretty well for such a pint sized girl. Katie's the same. We lapse in to an awkward silence as Cook goes for another round at the bar. Amazingly it's Effy who makes the small talk for a change. Eventually the drugs kick in and despite being wired I start to feel a little more at ease. The problem I have with coke though, is it tends to turn me in to a bit of a dick head, add that to all the drink I've knocked back and I'm a grade A twat. "So how long are you back for?"
Cook's over by the jukebox with JJ who turned up ten minutes ago and Effy's gone to the toilet, leaving me alone with Emily. "Probably till school starts." She shrugs at me as she takes a sip of the cocktail surprise Cook bought her from the bar. "How about you?"
"Haven't made up my mind yet."
We lapse in to silence again until Emily eyes the pool table. "Fancy a game?" She nods toward it and I figure it will be easier if we're actually doing something rather than sitting staring at each other. Emily racks up as I slip back to the bathroom and take another line, already starting to come down from the first. When I get back I can't help but roll my eyes and start rearranging the balls in the triangle. She never gets it right.
"What exactly are they teaching you at university?" I smirk as she shakes her head at me. I was right; it's easier to talk to her when we've got something else to distract us.
"The best place to hit naughty school kids and not leave a mark." She shoots back at me with a smirk as she goes first and breaks. The balls shoot across the table and one of the yellow balls sinks in to the top pocket. She might not be able to set up the balls right to save her life but she knows how to handle a pool cue and sinks two more balls before I even get a shot.
"I hope you're planning on teaching nursery, the rest of the kids will be taller than you." I sink a ball of my own but miss my second shot and end up potting the white ball instead. She laughs my comments off and takes her own shot, doing a lot better than I did and sinking another ball. As she bends over the table to take another shot she smirks up at me.
"I think I've grown an inch this year." That gets another laugh out of me, because she's still as tiny as she ever was, but it seems like we've broken the ice a little bit and after that things get easier. I bite my lip as she leans further over to take her shot and I get a pretty good view of her chest.
The others join us by the table and after Emily beats me we play doubles, me and Cook against her and Effy. No one plays JJ because he tends to see the angles for every shot and usually wins a game before anyone else can pot a ball.
The afternoon isn't as bad as I was expecting and by the time we leave Keith's pub I'm actually in a pretty good mood, whether it's all the drugs or the booze I'm not sure, but I'm pretty out of it when I agree to go back to Katie's with the others. It seems Effy forgot to bring my phone with her, so I don't have much of a choice.
Katie's lounging on the sofa when we all pile in to the apartment. I take a seat beside her, but then Emily sits down next to me and I'm flanked by a twin on each side. I laugh. I really can't help it. It's just so fucking ironic. Katie barely even looks at me as she gets up and asks if anyone wants a beer and my laughter dies in my throat. I'm starting to come down again and I feel like shit.
Getting up I make my way to the bathroom and splash cold water on to my face to try and sort myself out. I know it will take a lot more than that, but it will have to do for now. When I come out of the bathroom I go to Katie's room instead of joining the others. I find my phone sitting on her bed where I left it. After a moment the door opens and Katie joins me. Her arms are crossed against her chest, making her look even smaller than usual as she folds in on herself. I can tell by the expression she's wearing that I'm not going to like what she's about to say; so I don't give her the chance to say it.
Stepping forward I put my hand at the back of her head and crush our lips together. At first she doesn't fight me, but when she pulls away there are fresh tears in her eyes. "So that's it, yeah? She's back so you want her again…"
"What?" Out of everything she could have said I hadn't been expecting that. I think my mouth is actually hanging open as I gawp at her. "No! I…me and Ems…that's over Katie!" The oldest twin bites her lip self-consciously as she looks me anywhere but in the eye.
"I saw how upset you were this morning Naomi. If it's no big deal than why did you get so worked up? I'm nobody's second choice Naomi. If you want her…if you want her, then you can't have me." Her voice is small and all of her usual bravado and confidence is gone from it. It's terrifying, watching her give up without a fight for the first time in her life. I think it would be easier if she was screaming at me, instead of just staring off in to space with those big brown eyes.
"I don't!" I protest and step forward to try and take hold of her again. She takes a step back and finally looks me in the eye. There's a fire in her eyes again and her anger is more reassuring than anything else. It's normal, familiar, and I can deal with it.
"Just think it over, ok? I'm giving you a chance here Campbell, you can walk away and that's it. But if we do this, then I've got to know it's me you want to be with. Not her. I'm not a fucking substitute for anyone." She takes a cautious step forward and presses her lips to my cheek. "Think it over."
I wait for her to go back in to the living room and give it a few minutes before I go back in. I feel a lump in my throat as I take a seat on the chair opposite the sofa and take the beer Cook offers me. It's warm and flat and it does nothing to help my churning stomach.
It's easy to tell Katie that I don't want Emily when I haven't seen her in over two years. But as my gaze wanders over to the youngest Fitch I can't deny she looks good, and this afternoon was easier than I expected. It's not like I'm still in love with her, because I'm not, but I can't deny I'm not attracted to her. You can't just stop being attracted to someone because they dump you. And that's what Emily did; she dumped me. It wasn't my choice to break up. I mean, if she'd just tried a little harder, then maybe we might have made it?
Fuck. Bad thoughts Campbell. Me and Emily were over a long time ago. It's water under the bridge; seeing her today was just a shock to my system that's all, after everything Katie said last night, obviously my head's going to be a little screwed up. I don't want Emily back… I don't!
I catch Katie's eyes and see complex emotions playing out across her face; mostly dissapointment. If I can't even convince myself then what chance do I have of convincing her?
A/N: So a lot of people asked for a quick update, hopefully this was quick enough without being too rushed. I'm managing to update quite quickly at the moment as I've had two weeks off work, I'm back in a few days though so will update when I can. Once again thank you to everyone who's reading and for the awesome reviews, I'm really glad people like this as I wasn't all that sure I could pull off a Kaomi fic when I started. Also I'm taking the opportunity to shamelessly plug my new fic 'Surviving Bristol' which has a pretty strong Naomi/Katie friendship if anyone's interested.