A/N: 08/13/2017 Dare to be Something More asked a while back if Kai ever left the house and I said yes, so here's a chapter of him and Caroline actually going out and doing something (sort of). This is another jealous!Kai oneshot, and imo it's the most funny, but also destructive out of the...what, three? That I've done so far. Hope you guys enjoy :)

HCookie: Thanks! I'll try and get my things in order for a proper Kairoline story! :)

FanFicNerdMeep: Heck yeah! I had just got done watching Hercules when I was thinking of the chapter title XD I know what you mean about being drawn to Kai's...Kai-ness. Lol I LOVED watching him react to all these new things that just weren't around in the nineties once he got out of the prison world (like phones and skinny jeans). LOL nope, he's definitely not a man-ho like Damon (though Damon cracks me up just as much for sure). Aww thanks! I'm gonna try and pull something together for a full story, so we'll see how it goes. One step at a time, as they say :)

57jellybean57: Yeah me too. I just love writing for Kai X3 Thank you! I'll try and set something up for a full story!

Dare to be Something More: Your message cut out a bit, so I'm not sure what you also love(?) but thanks! I tried my best to legitimately describe how Kai would feel if he ever fell in love with someone without making it seem corny or OOC. Hope you like this next chapter!

Candyjmf83: Thanks! I'm thinking about maybe rearranging the chapters, because I feel like they might be confusing, but they're oneshots, so I guess there's no need. Thank you so much! You have no idea how great it makes me feel to know I've actually helped gain a fan for such an unconventional pairing, haha!

Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries.

Chapter fourteen: Table For Two, Please~

Kai held Caroline's chair out for her to sit down at their designated table.

They were eating out at one of Mystic Falls' fanciest restaurants to celebrate their anniversary. Anniversary of what exactly hadn't been decided yet - anniversary of their friendship, of Kai's sanity (more or less, anyways), of living together for a year without ripping each other's heads off - it was a different thing for whoever looked at it.

Bonnie saw it as a celebration of Caroline's mental health and Kai's shockingly good behavior. Damon interpreted it as being a buddy-buddy kind of thing and something he could care less about, whereas Stefan silently saw it as an obvious romantic gesture. He wasn't sure how Caroline saw it, but he wasn't about to ask, either. For now, he'd just enjoy the night and think of it in his own way; as celebrating one year of their unofficial relationship.

"I can't believe we're actually here!" Caroline squeaked quietly, face lit up like a Christmas tree as he sat down across from her.

"I know, right?" He remarked, looking around at all the candlelit dinners and fancy curtains. "It's like we're in a deleted scene of The Notebook."

She gave him a look. "Have you even seen that movie?"

He shrugged, taking up the menu. "No, but I'm sure there was a fancy dinner in there somewhere."

She rolled her eyes but said nothing, mirroring his pose as she opened her menu to take a look.

"Okay, let's see..." Kai said to himself. "Mmm...I'm not really feeling seafood-y...and I'm not in the mood for steak...eh, I'll go with spaghetti and meatballs."

"My God, they have so much stuff!" Caroline exclaimed. She looked almost stressed as she looked over all of her options. "Oh...I guess I'll have...lasagna and breadsticks! There. I've made my choice, too late to go back."

She hurriedly put down her menu, as though that would somehow stop herself from thinking about ordering something else, and Kai set down his own menu as their waiter came to their table.

"Hello, there. My name is Don, and I'll be taking care of you tonight."

Kai looked up to smile at him (after all, if nothing else, Caroline had taught him manners) but found that incredibly hard to do when he saw 'Don' staring at Caroline as though she were on the menu and he were nothing short of invisible.

"Here are some dinner rolls to get you guys started." He laid down a basket of rolls, fresh out of the oven from the smell of them, and a small dish of butter. "So what will the lady be ordering?" 'Don' asked, taking out his pen pad and looking down at Caroline.

Caroline looked at her menu, remembering what she'd told herself she would get. "Um, I'll have the lasagna and breadsticks."

Don jotted it down. "And you, sir?"

Oh, now he existed.

He smiled down at Kai with an obviously fake smile, the kind you give people because you have to and it's literally in your job description, and Kai immediately decided he did not care for 'Don' one bit.

"Oh, I'll have spaghetti and meatballs, with a side of your heart roasted on a spit," he smiled, and the waiter's expression faltered, shock written on his face.

"Kai!" Caroline chastised.

"Just kidding," he said, laughing a bit and reaching up to clamp a hand on the waiter's shoulder. "I'd like your heart and your brain. However little there is of it."

Scoffing in distaste, Caroline grabbed hold of the waiter and forced him to look at her, eyes determined.

"You're not going to remember any of this," she compelled. "You're going to get our order and forget everything else that he said to you."

She released him and he smiled, nodding to the two of them. "I'll be right back, sir and madam."

Kai looked at her. "Well you're no fun."

"What is wrong with you?" She asked, clearly pissed.

"What? I was just messing."

"Threatening to kill someone is not just 'messing'," she countered.

"Well, maybe he should have thought twice before deciding to be disrespectful."

"Disrespectful? What are you talking about?"

"Oh please, don't tell me you didn't see it. If that guy wasn't on the clock, he clearly would have been ordering himself a nice tall glass of you with a slice of more you on the side, with even more you for dessert."

She rolled her eyes, exhaling. "People are going to be asshole pigs no matter what you do. You just have to learn to deal with it."

"I don't." He said simply, playing with one of the napkins on the table.

"Well you forget, we're not in the nineties anymore."

"And you forget, I was born in a time where we actually respected the unspoken and obvious."

She scrunched her eyes closed and crossed her fingers on both hands. "Please don't tell me you're going to play the jealous card. Do not tell me you're going to play the jealous card."

He frowned at her, tossing down his napkin and flashing a smile. "I'll be right back."

"Hey! You better not make a scene!"

"Relax, I'm just going to go get some air," he said, holding out his arms and bowing dramatically as he walked away. "In the kitchen," he added quietly to himself, smirking.

Making sure he was out of Caroline's eyesight, he slipped past the front door and into the 'employees only' section, leading himself into the kitchen. He grabbed himself a cook's apron off a nearby hanger and sifted through the various orders being made, trying to find just the right one.

Don burst through the pair of doors that led out into the dining area, and Kai rushed to flatten himself against a nearby wall.

"I've got spaghetti and meatballs and an order of lasagna and breadsticks!" He shouted, pinning their order onto a spindle for one of the chefs to look at. "And make the spaghetti a bit on the crispy side, if ya know what I mean," he added, an annoying smirk on his lips.

"What, customer bein' a prick again?" One of the cooks asked.

"Oh yeah. Big time," he said, making a dramatic face. Kai could've choked on his own spit.

"I'll get 'em for ya," the cook replied, smiling and waving him off.

Don smiled and disappeared back out into the dining area, probably to take some other sorry couple's order. Kai squinted at the man's retreating form, but otherwise did nothing in the way of revenge...yet.

Figured. He may not have remembered anything he had said to him, but Caroline still couldn't compel him to not be a prick.

"Uh, hey, is this Don's plate?" A chef asked.

The cook Don had been talking with earlier looked over. "Uh, yeah, that's for table five."

Kai smirked to himself, and began focusing on the plate. "Ves matos..." he whispered an incantation that was sure to put 'Don' in his place, and when he was done, he slinked back into the shadows to return to Caroline.

"Did you get your 'air'?" She asked sarcastically as he sat down.

"Yes." He said, indignant as he straightened his suit. "Thank you for asking."

As though right on cue, Kai saw Don reemerge from the kitchen with a plateful of food, which just so happened to be the order for table number five.

"Motus," he whispered, and the platter Don was holding burst into flames.

He laughed as his coworkers rushed to grab the fire extinguisher. An older man with pressed pants and a silky red vest (who he assumed was the manager) came storming out of nowhere shortly after, his face red as a beet as he yelled at Don.

"Alright, you know what? Hang up your uniform, Don. You're fired!"

The look of shock on Don's face was priceless. "Wha- but it wasn't my fault!"

"I don't care!" The manager yelled. "You've had way too many accidents and called off way too many times for me to be tolerant anymore! You're fired!"

A few of his coworkers snickered while the nearby customers looked on in shock and surprise, Kai and Caroline being two of them (though he was probably the only one munching on a dinner roll as though it were a dine-in theater).

"What did you do?!" Caroline shrieked, eyes wide as she spun around from the sad sight to face him.

Kai didn't miss a beat, carrying on as though it were the most natural thing in the world. "Mm, fun fact! I found out that anything Bonnie touches actually leaves a magical imprint on it!" He pulled out an assortment of small things from his pocket, ranging from pennies to bobby pins to wrinkled pieces of paper. "I've been stockpiling all the stuff she's handled and using them to siphon magic for emergencies."

"Wha- emergency?! You've caused an emergency!"

"Oh, please, it's just a little fire." He said idly, waving a hand and taking another bite of his dinner roll. "You gonna dig in, or what? Don't let your appetizer get cold."

"Congratulations, you have officially ruined our anniversary."

He squinted playfully at her. "'Ruined', or made better? I'd like to think I just spiced things up a bit."

"Urghh!"

"Can we please just focus on the fact that I would literally fire a guy for you? Like, literally set on fire? Can we appreciate that?"

Caroline looked down at the table, suddenly exhausted as she cradled her head between her hands. "Ugh, Kai...what am I going to do with you?"

He popped another piece of roll into his mouth, smiling. "Love me, feed me, never leave me." He reached over and affectionately patted her cheek. "Happy anniversary, sweetie."

A replacement waiter came explaining what they already knew, and Caroline could only roll her eyes.

This was going to be a long dinner.