A/N: Sorry about the crass title, but couldn't resist...
I stay where Cosima left me, my eyes fixed on the small frame until I can no longer see her. The sun's rays start to spear through the heavy clouds and even if some rain drops are still falling from the sky, the light is enough to make me shut my eyes, which are having a hard time adjusting. I blink a few times and figure it's safe to walk back home.
As I start to walk I feel lighter than I've ever felt, the next step feeling easier than the one before. I'm high... I'm high! Cosima has gotten me high and then left without a word! A panic starts to rise in my chest and I can feel my heart beating violently against my ribcage. How many times today will my heart take this kind of heavy beating?
Ohmygod... I'm gonna have a heart attack! What the hell!? But I keep walking, my mind racing but my legs firm in my steps, or at least I think they are. I'm convinced that, to the outside observer, I'm walking steadily. After the initial panic leaves my system, I'm once again aware of how so very light I feel. In no time I reach my building's door and am searching for the keys in my bag. Am I already home? I really haven't noticed the walk here.
Opening the door to the apartment, I enter, close it and lean on it, taking a big gust of oxygen to my lungs. I'm home, safe. Everything is going to be okay.
"So, how did it go?"
"Huh?" I open my eyes and look at Olivia staring back at me. How long has she been staring?
She gets up and gets close to me, her hands go to my face and for whatever reason it tingles and I release a soft giggle. "You're high!"
"What!? Non... no!" I get away from the door, where I was still leaning, and away from her touch. I clear my throat. "Of course not!"
"Yeah, of course not... And I'm the fairy godmother." She has a smile on her lips. "I think is safe to assume Cosima's responsible for this." My roommate leaves and goes to the kitchen.
I drop everything on the floor, bag and coat. Suddenly feeling a big urge to throw myself to the couch, which I do with a loud laugh, closing my eyes. Cosima... La petite merde...
"So it was her!" Olivia says, close to me again.
I open my eyes and see a glass of water in front of me, which I grab and chug down, not realizing how dry my throat is until now. "Did I say that out loud?" I ask, confused.
"Yeah, you did. Be careful with what you think!" Olivia seems to be enjoying this a lot, judging by the amused expression she has. "So the presentation went well, yes? If you felt like celebrating."
"Oh, non... Non... It was awful." I start to laugh again, don't really know why. "I was a mess... Terrible! I think I've fucked it up big time!"
"Was it to forget, then?" My friend's smile drops a little.
"Cosima..." I say again. "She was there, she was brilliant..." I go serious, all of a sudden my eyes start to feel heavy and I can't keep them open, no matter how hard I try.
"Okay... You're going to your bed." Olivia's voice is starting to sound very far away.
"Oh non... Je suis très bien..." I feel my arm being pulled and don't even know how, but I'm up and walking to my room.
"Of course, très bien!" My friend pushes me to the bed. "I'm gonna leave you with your thoughts. Anything you need, just scream."
In the distance I hear a door close and then just silence. My eyes are starting to close again and I let my body melt with the mattress. At this point, dozing off seems like a very good idea.
But I can't sleep, my mind is working non-stop and there's only one thing that occupies it. Cosima! I don't know if I should feel angry or pleased with what happened today. If, in a way, I'm glad she decided not to shut the door completely, the truth is that she continues to play her little games. But then again, am I not at fault for that?
As much as I push her away, as much as the logical side of my brain is screaming to get as far away as I can from her. Because I know this is not good for me. I know myself better than anyone else and I know I can't handle these kind of situations. Olivia's right: I don't have what it takes! It's not in my nature to throw away everything in the air and see where it lands by chance. I need to know! Knowledge and predictability were always my allies, all my life I trusted them and abandon them now it would make no sense. They've got me this far.
However... There's that side... The darker side of my soul. One that everyone has. Some choose to embrace it, others, like myself, think it's better to ignore it, shut it down every time it's screaming for attention. In reality, all my life, I can't say I've been tempted to listen to it more carefully; every time it spoke was not loud, always easy to muffle its volume with the clear sound of reason.
Until now.
Until Cosima.
It drives me mad with how loud it screams for her. My mind, my body... And no matter how many times I push her away, she comes back. Either because of something it crosses her mind, which I really don't know, I can't figure it out. Or something I do, taking the initiative of dragging her close again. Was she right? Is it really selfishness that keeps me dragging her closer to me, again and again? Do I enjoy having her near me that much? To have her playing her little game with me?
My body certainly seems to. I feel that, if I let loose what little control I have left, I could easily drop everything I know, everything I trust, just to have her close. Just to have her again reaching for my waist, have her lips on mine, feel once more her hot breath causing goosebumps on my neck and a pleasurable shiver down my spine.
Just to think about it now, I feel my body heating up. Everywhere my skin is tingling and I swear I can feel her hands on me again, her fingertips warm on my cheek like earlier. Under my closed eyelids I can clearly see her face, her cocky smile in place, like she's mocking me. Like she's enjoying what she has caused and is here to prove her point. Her gaze telling me: see... why do you run?
I open my eyes, as if I need to reassure myself I'm in my bedroom alone and not elsewhere, anywhere with her in front of me and making me drown in her deep brown eyes. I move, I actually intend to leave, not only the bed, but the house. I want to go after her and tell her all that's going through my head. However I only get as far as seating on the edge of the bed, before dropping on it again. What am I thinking? I can't do that!
Instead I just let myself stay there, staring at the white ceiling of my bedroom, afraid to close my eyes and let her in, blinking only when I absolutely must. I stay like that for what it seems to be a long time, until I can't stay still any longer. I have to go to the bathroom. I hear sounds of pots in the kitchen and assume that's where Olivia is. I splash some water at my face and look at the mirror, my hair is a mess, but I can't seem to care, even because it's my eyes that get all my attention. Deep red, like I've never seen them before.
I get back to my bed, I'm starting to feel a little more like myself, however what I saw in the mirror is proof that I'm not quite there yet. This time I close my eyes and take a deep breath, this time I think I do actually sleep a little. When I open them again I think it's time to face the real world and manage to get up at my first try.
In fact, everything feels very real. I am more aware than ever before of what's around me, as I walk through the living room and push the door to the kitchen. Maybe it's because I want to be sure that what I'm seeing it's really there.
"Feeling better?" Olivia is doing something by the sink, her back turned to me. She speaks without turning.
"Yes, much..." I sit on one of the chairs. "How long has it passed?"
"About an hour and a half." My roommate's still not looking at me.
"Wow... Really? It feels..."
"Like much longer, I know!" There's a little irritation tone to her voice.
"Is everything okay?" I ask her.
Olivia doesn't answer, but finally turns and looks at me, the right corner of her lips twitching a little, like it does when she's considering something. Then she walks out of the kitchen without another word. I stay put, eyes wide looking at the door as it swings back and forth. It hasn't passed thirty seconds when she returns, phone in hand, pressing a few buttons, still not speaking, but looking at me.
I hear the dial tone, whoever it is takes some time to answer, but eventually does. "Hi!" The little voice is tentative and I'm almost positive it's Cosima.
"Next time you get my friend high, you better stay with her!" Olivia says, without greetings. I just listen, quiet, speechless.
"Wow... It was just a few hits." Cosima defends herself. "It was pretty light, I didn't think it would make a difference..."
"Well, she arrived home totally out... " My roommate keeps looking at me, an angry look on her face.
"I had no idea! Is she alright?" Cosima's starting to sound concerned.
"I'm fine, Cosima. Don't worry!" I find my voice at last.
"Oh... Hi, Delphine... Are you sure?" The tone of her voice drops, it becomes softer.
"Yes, although, I have to say, I've been having a very... different afternoon." I say with a little laugh. Olivia rolls her eyes and turns around, but not before I get a glance of a half-smile on her lips.
On the phone, Cosima laughs as well. "Really? Hmm... We should like... do it again?"
"Only if you stay with her!" My friend immediately jumps into the conversation. "I'm not about to deal with a high Del again. Besides, I think she'll enjoy her high much more with you near by."
I give her a glare when she turns giving me a large smile. "That's..." I try an answer, but am lost for words.
A weird silence fills the air around us, until Cosima's voice comes to us again. "I... I've got to go..."
"Yeah... Yes, of course." I say, but I really don't want her to end the call. I fight the urge to snatch my friend's phone and talk with Cosima in the other room.
"Bye, Cos!" Olivia says, with a mocking tone, directly into the receiver before ending the call and throwing the phone, rather unceremoniously, on the balcony.
She's standing right in front of me and I'm looking up at her, still on the chair, my back leaning on the wall, which is pleasantly cold against my back. Olivia puts her hands on her hip, her lips forming a tense line, her brows frowned. "I know you're French, Del, but this is bound to end like a fucking Greek Tragedy."
I don't answer to that, I know she's probably right. But right now I have other concerns. I place my hand over my stomach and rub it. "I need food!"
Olivia throws her hands in the air, turns around, shrugging, like a mother displeased at the child that won't do what she tells her.