All eyes are on me.
My hands curl protectively around little Blip as Christian's eyes widen and harden simultaneously. Grace stiffens beside me as Dr Moore clears his throat uncomfortably, clearly wishing he'd never laid eyes or hands on the Grey family. There's no air in this room. I can't breathe. I look down on my husband and read his reaction and his expression like a book. Like the most soul-crushing, painstaking book.
Horror.
He is horrified. I hold Blip a little tighter and shield him from his father's first glance. A warm hand finds mine and squeezes it tight. Grace's eyes are shining with tearful delight. A splinter of relief pierces my misery. At least Blip's grandma is happy to hear about him. My own mother and Ray are nearby. I haven't told them yet, either. We've all been so focussed on Christian, it didn't seem right. I'll stop by their hotel later and tell them. Turning to Grace, I squeeze her hand in answer and nod at the unspoken question in her eyes.
Are you sure?
Yes.
More than I've been about anything or anyone before in my life. I've known for a while, maybe a week after our honeymoon, before the crash. I was trying to think of the right way to tell Christian. Neither of us were ready for kids. Now, one of us is. I always pictured being pregnant with my first kid at around thirty-two. I'd be young, but mature. I'd be ready. This isn't what I had in mind, but as I hold my belly a little tighter, I wouldn't change it for the world. Blip is early, well ahead of schedule… but he is our son.
Our very own son.
"Christian," I saw slowly and clearly. "I'm pregnant. With a boy. About four months along. Everything is fine. He's healthy and-"
"How could you let this happen?" he hisses in this weird constipated tone of icy disbelief. "How could you be so fucking stupid, Ana? You forget your shot, didn't you? You forgot your fucking shot. I organize the best OBGYN in the State to take personal responsibility for your care and you forget to show up for one fucking injection. How hard can it be to do one single thing right, huh? How hard? You're twenty-two years old and you can't drive a car or attend medical appointments. What are you, braindead? Or just plain stupid?"
By the end of his diatribe, he is screaming.
Grace's jaw falls open.
Dr Moore glares down at his patient, clearly appalled.
"Christian, you aren't-"
"A fucking child, Ana? Really? I can't stand, walk or pass my own faeces and your winning answer to that combination is to add another human to the mix who cannot stand, walk or pass their own faeces? I don't want… I'm not ready… how could you do this? You want my own child to see me like this, you want my own child to grow up knowing that his father will never bring him to a game or pick him up from school? You stupid… you fucking idiot…"
The color in his face is rising to a beet red as my soul shudders in fright.
I've never seen him like this before.
He's never spoken to me like this before.
In another world, tears would have sprung to my eyes and I would've shrivelled up in despair at his burning words and hateful eyes. But in that other world, I was alone. I'm not alone anymore and I'm not my main priority. With as much dignity as I can muster, I lean forwards and pick my coat up from one of the chairs in his room and slip it on over my shoulder before replacing my hands over Blip and shielding him from the ugliness. I don't take the time to think on my words. I just say what's in my heart.
"Christian, I am going to do this with or without you. When we were on honeymoon, we had a lot of sex. Babies happen when you have a lot of sex. And it's happened to us. We have a son. In my stomach right now, we have a child. And I love that child, Christian. I love that child more than I ever thought I could love anything or anyone. This child, our son, he is my main priority and whether you like it or not, in five months he will be born. He will be born, and he will be perfect. Our perfect little boy. Is it sooner than we would have liked? Yes. Is it amidst circumstances we would have liked? No. But it's happening, Christian. It's happening. And unless you can get your head out of our ass long enough to take care of yourself so that you can take care of him… it's happening without you."
The beet red color drains from his face, leaving him an ashen pale.
He's not screaming anymore, he's whispering.
"You would choose him… over me?"
His lips are dry, and his eyes are oddly translucent. I feel like I can see in through the windows of his soul. The tortured, torrid nature of his naturally beautiful soul. Tears do in fact threaten. But not from fear or anger, but from sadness. I'm on a cliff top. There are two options in front of me and the salt wind is in my hair. On the right-hand side, stood dangerously close to the edge is my husband. On the left-hand side, stood dangerously close to the edge is my son. They're both going to fall, and I have time to save only one and only a split second to make the decision. All my focus and energy has been on Christian since this ordeal started, Blip has barely entered my mind since we arrived at this hospital. But it's different now that I know Christian is going to survive. Now my mind is full of his little arms and legs and his strong little heartbeat.
He knows my answer before I say it but I say it anyway.
"If you force me to," I whisper, "Then yes, yes I will. I have to. He is my child, Christian. Our chid. I am his mother. A mother should always protect her child first and foremost, above all others. He needs me. He needs me more than anyone else in the world, even more than you. If you won't be the father he deserves and the husband I thought I married, then yes, I will choose him."
Grace's hand finds mine again and she squeezes tighter than tight.
A mother's vindication.
Christian says nothing for the longest moment. Dr Moore stares from him to me in blatant amazement, clearly wondering if he's stumbled onto a rerun of Days of Our Lives. I watch the cogs turn in his mind and feel fatigue creep up like a smog around me. I am so tired. All I want to do is to lay down and sleep forever, but I can't. Grace's warm presence beside me salves me of the irritation I have felt with her recently. She's standing beside me when it matters and for that, I'll be forever grateful. But right now, all I want is my own mom. I want my mom and I want Ray. I want them to tell me that I can do this, that I can be a good mother that raises a happy, healthy child.
Because I might need them more then I've ever needed anyone.
Because I might have to raise that happy, healthy child alone.
All alone.
"Leave."
His single word is like an ice pick to the heart but I refuse to show the pain that cascades inside of me. Nodding, I simply release Grace's hand from mine and make to turn on my heel without another word. But his voice pulls me back and I twist my head to take in his paling, wearied face.
"No… not you," Christian whispers, jerking his head to his mom and Dr Moore.
"Them."
They don't hesitate. Dr Moore looks like he's been given the winning lottery numbers as he scrambles from the room. Grace smiles at me reassuringly and gives something akin to a warning glance to her son. He doesn't bother to answer her. In fact, he stares right through her with borderline mutinous eyes until the door closes softly behind her and we are alone. I never thought it'd be awkward, being alone in a room with my own husband but between his outburst and my declaration that Blip would come first, I don't know where to look.
"Ana…"
His voice is low, slow and pained.
"Ana, please. Listen to me. Sit down and listen to me."
I move stiffly and ease myself down in his bedside chair in silence.
"Christian, I am not going to change my mind on this. You don't just change your mind about a child. I understand that you're not thrilled, but that's life. Look around you, this room isn't something we ever planned on. But it's happened and we're dealing with it. Well, I'm dealing with it. You're throwing in the towel and treating our son like a disease that I've contracted by being careless. I can't be around either of those two things, and I mean it. You need to get your priorities in check because the last time I checked, a man's wife and child come before his fears and his ego!"
I didn't mean to say any of that but the words leave me like a burst dam.
I couldn't hold them back even if I wanted to. Which I don't, not really. His gray irises contract with a pain that's not physical and his mouth moves soundlessly for a moment. With a twang of suffering, I realize the love I have for this man is immune to extinguishment. Even if I have to walk away for the well-being of our son, I will always love him. One day later, one year later, one decade later…
Always.
"I'm sorry… Ana, please, I'm so sorry."
The flagellating tone of his voice takes me by surprise. It's a far cry from his earlier outburst.
"What I said… I didn't mean it. You're not stupid, or an idiot. I'm a bastard for saying anything like that. I wasn't thinking. I… fuck. I'm sorry, Anastasia. Please believe me."
I look down at him and believe him without hesitation.
"That doesn't matter, Christian," I whisper thickly. "Words don't matter, actions matter. I understand that you were shocked and that you're afraid and in pain. I understand all of that, but what you have to understand is much bigger… what you have to understand is that nothing or nobody will change my mind about this baby, our son. He is going to be born and I am going to do whatever it takes to ensure he has the best life possible. I want to do that with you by my side but if that's not possible… I'll go it alone."
He doesn't say anything for the longest, interminable moment.
Before…
"Ana, no child deserves to have me as a father. No child deserves to be blighted like that…"
He can't look at me, staring resolutely up at the ceiling.
My heart aches before it breaks.
"Christian," I croak, reaching out to grasp his hand. "Christian, that just isn't true. You have never seen yourself as you are. Never. But you are a wonderful husband and you will be a wonderful father. Do you think I'm not terrified? I am terrified. Kids, they don't come with instruction manuals and they don't come with any guarantees. There's a lot that can do wrong and there are a million mistakes that we're both going to make. But one thing I know for sure is that… we'll love him, Christian. We'll love him more than anything in the world and at the end of the day, that's all any child needs. The rest is just trial and error. Blip will be loved and he'll know it…"
His eyes slowly rove to mine and to my seismic shock, I see they're damp.
"Blip?" he whispers curiously.
Smiling, I stand with extreme caution and lean down so that his encased hand can reach up just an inch with the help of mine to caress my stomach.
"Meet Blip," I whisper, "Our little Blip on the radar… our baby."
He swallows deeply and thickly.
"Blip…"
His lips caress the name and my heart lifts in the faintest of hopes.
"Uh huh."
I place his hand gently back down upon the stiff sheets and hold it in mine. Neither of us speak for a moment. Silence surrounds us and it's a comfort, a reprieve from the chaos of the day. I watch the monitors rise and fall, soothed by their almost hypnotic rhythm. The softness of his voice almost startles me amidst the melodious beeping.
"Ana?"
My eyes trail down to his suddenly young and vulnerable looking face.
"Yeah?"
He licks his lips and takes a deep breath.
"You really think I can do this? Be a father?"
He seems sheepish, almost embarrassed. I grip his hand even tighter and tell him the gods honest truth.
"Without a doubt."
He looks at me with such a raw trust that tears finally pool in my eyes.
"Ana?"
God, the sound of his voice will forever be my undoing.
"Yeah?"
A slow and small smile spreads across his face as he blinks up at me.
"Do you think that Teddy is a nice name for a boy?"
…
A/N: Teasers for this and Oriflamme and FSOJ will be out soon. If you'd like a teaser for this one, just leave a message in a review and I'll PM you shortly!
Today's recommendation is His Last Acquisition by Missmusicteach. You will NOT be disappointed!
Inks x