Chapter 14 (Vanessa) Darest Thou Now O Soul

"Rumor has it you're thinking about going to college, Vanessa."

The raven haired girl smiled at Annie's statement. "Well if I'm going to a school like this, I may as well make something of it, right?" she replied as she yanked off a particularly uncomfortable high-heeled shoe, trading it for her arguably more comfortable loafers. The 'special Physical Education class' for the girls had focused on ballroom dance that day, leading to a number of mishaps involving broken shoe straps and heels. Eventually this has culminated in the class letting out earlier than usual, ensuing in sighs of relief for all the girls present.

Annie grimaced as she inspected the blisters on her toes. "Where would you go? Someplace like Wellesley, I bet? Or even Smith College, Yale, Harvard, someplace in the Ivy League?"

"I don't know yet," Vanessa replied. The truth was that she hadn't been thinking very much about her options after leaving Welton, not for lack of interest, but rather for lack of time to contemplate the matter. "I might head up to New York."

"And do what?"

"Study writing."

"What for?" Theodosia mocked as she walked by. She tossed down her own broken down pair of shoes. "You're going to spend all that money on a degree, which you won't use when you have a ring on your finger—"

"Who says it has to be that way?" Vanessa retorted. "Maybe that's the way some of our parents were, but that doesn't mean I have to have it, or that I want it."

Annie shrugged. "She's got a point. Not all men want a wife who's too much into her books."

"Not all being the operative word," Vanessa said firmly. For a moment, the images of her fellow Dead Poets came to mind, but she held her tongue. "One of these days, you'll see, I'll be a writer and something great-and my being married will just be a side option."

"It's that French book you're reading," Theodosia said scornfully. "Does Mr. Nolan know you have it?"

"What is it to him?" Vanessa said, gathering up her things and quitting the room. Despite her aching feet, she was determined to go outside and enjoy what was left of the day. The sunlight was falling just right, turning the soccer field a warm golden. This alone was enough to tempt her towards the sidelines of the game that the rest of Mr. Keating's class was playing.

She lost no time in dumping her school satchel and her shoes on the grass, and sitting down on a rock. "Go Todd!" she shouted to her friend, who at that moment was trying to get the ball past Pitts' long legs.

"Hey Van! Spaz wants to rest-you want to jump in?" Charlie yelled to her from where he stood at one goal.

"Like this?" Vanessa asked, gesturing to her skirt and loafers.

"Is that going to stop you?"

Vanessa grinned and shook her head. Before anyone could protest, she gave Spaz a knowing look and took his place in the team. Todd raised his eyebrows when he saw her beside him, but he didn't say anything to it.

Mr. Keating's expression was one of surprise. "A little caution there, Miss O'Donnell," he said a little warily.

"Aye, aye Captain," Vanessa said, saluting before the ball came her way. She managed to kick it towards Neil, who then assisted Meeks in getting it towards the goal. Apparently this had been a decisive point in the game, since the rest of the team proceeded to tackle Meeks to the ground, whooping and yelling in celebration.

"This is so unfair, we can't get near if she's around!" Cameron yelled, pointing to Vanessa.

"What, you got a problem with that now?" Vanessa retorted before Mr. Keating tossed the ball back towards the students in order to resume the game. The sheer feeling of movement at its most unrestrained was like a tonic in Vanessa's veins; never mind the lack of grace and finesse. When the game ended at sundown, she was far from exhausted, and managed to keep up with the group as they carried off Mr. Keating on their shoulders, and back towards the dormitories.

However when they got there, Hager was already calling the students to dinner. "Miss O'Donnell!" he barked reprovingly on catching sight of her with the young men.

"Good evening Sir," Vanessa said as primly as she could. "What seems to be the problem?

Hager eyed her disapprovingly. "Did you report to your Physical Education class earlier this afternoon?"

"She did," Mr. Keating replied, managing to get his feet back on the ground. "She volunteered to substitute for Mr. Jefferson here," he added, gesturing to the still out-of-breath Spaz.

Hager nodded slowly, noticing that Spaz had his inhaler out. "When any of these other young gentlemen would have been up to the task," he muttered as he let the students pass.

Neil clapped Vanessa on the back. "Too bad you missed a good part of the game," he said casually.

"I couldn't get away from dance class," Vanessa replied as she reached up to wipe some mud off Neil's shoulder.

"Dance class? What sort?"

"Ballroom. I never liked the foxtrot."

Neil chuckled as they went up the stairs. "You're going to the meeting later, right?" he asked in an undertone.

"Wouldn't miss it," she said, dropping her voice. She realized though at that moment that other students were eyeing them. "Say Neil, what are you doing for college?" she asked more loudly.

Neil's dark eyes turned a little wry. "I haven't thought about it yet. Are we supposed to fill out applications already?"

"Not immediately," she said, leaning against the stair rail. "But say you could go anywhere, just go on a lark…where would you go?"

Neil raised an eyebrow. "Why are you asking?"

Vanessa shrugged. "I'm curious."

It took a moment before Neil took a deep breath and said, "New York. I'd take up drama, or something creative."

"But you won't because…."

He turned away from her. "My father insists that I'm going to Harvard to be a doctor."

Vanessa swallowed hard on seeing Neil's bowed head and slightly slouched shoulders as he spoke. Seeing him was almost like looking in a mirror, but one that only showed the grayness and bleakness of their world. "Haven't you tried telling him otherwise?" she asked.

"That's a laugh. Like you'd do the same to your stepfather," he retorted.

"If he'd even let me speak up," Vanessa wanted to say, but she swallowed hard. Just the sight of Neil was enough to bring forth the crazy idea she'd been fomenting with regard to her own options.

"You could….you could get away once you're eighteen. Get a scholarship to some place, I know you've got the grades for it. It's not going to be easy, but if it gets you closer to what you want, it's worth it" she whispered. It was a glimmer of a hope, but she knew it was more real for Neil than it could ever be for her.

He looked at her quizzically. "What would my father say?"

"Does he have to have a part in it?" she blurted out. She clapped a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry Neil. That must sound so…rude."

"It doesn't." He touched her shoulder. "I'll see you later in the meeting," he said before continuing on upstairs to his room.

Van ran her hands through her hair, feeling embarrassment threatening to overwhelm her. "I shouldn't have said that," she whispered before hurrying to her own room to shower and get changed into fresh clothes. She knew she had no right to tell Neil what to do about his situation, especially when she was so powerless over her own.

"But at least Neil and I are not alone," she thought, unsure what to make of this sort of sad kinship. She made sure not to mention the topic again during dinner, more so later en route to the cave.