Chapter 14- Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust
The party continued all night, and I pushed Lumpy's story to the back of my mind and had fun, I told myself it was for the boys' sake, but secretly I think it was for my own. Again I was trying to overlook my mistake. But, regardless of my attempt to distract myself, by morning the boys' eyes were drooping and they had begun to slump against the tree and the ground.
"I'm not tired…" Curly yawned, his head, which had been resting on his hand, slipping down and smashing against his knees, "OWWWW!"
"Shhh! Curlyyoutooloud…"
"Nibs… get away from the fire…" Slightly mumbled, his eyes glazed over as he stared into the sky, hands behind his back.
"Nibs!" I said sharply as me and Wendy shared a coconut together, our straws nudging each other impishly.
But then he began to slope, to slowly turn towards the boiling flames.
"Peter! He's asleep!" Wendy yelped and rushed to grab him, flicking the coconut away and splashing it all over me and the rock.
"Gah!" I cried out.
Curly snorted at the sight of me. "Everyone dive on Peter!"
I swooped easily out of the Twins', Tootles' and Curly's grasps, and over to Nibs, plucking him effortlessly out of the way of the flames before Wendy even reached him, and deposited him safely on the soft ground.
Wendy's shoulders drooped and she instantly relaxed.
"See? He's all fine!" I said playfully.
He let out a horrendously loud snore and everyone flinched.
Silence.
"Oh shut up! That could've got serious!" Wendy batted back suddenly.
"Oooo burn Peterrrr!" Slightly teased.
"Oy!" I kicked his face lightly.
"EWEWEWEW! You're foot's gross!" Slightly complained, slapping it away.
"Pfft," I sniggered.
"Can we not lick the coconut milk?" Curly sucked his thumb and whined.
"Nope, bed time!" Wendy said sharply.
"HUHHH?" She received six moans.
"No… Wendy just wants the coconut milk to herself," I winked seductively and she burned red and thwacked me on the shoulder.
"Oww!" I cried out as a stinging pain shot down my arm, from my shoulder to the tips of my fingers.
"Not in front of the children!" She growled.
"Oh… So I can talk to you like that when they're not around…?" I asked friskily.
She glared at me.
But her eyes were twinkling.
I smiled innocently. "Right then boys, what do we do? Sleep all day…" I began knowingly.
"AND PARTY ALL NIGHT!" They chorused in reply.
I looked round the trashed camp, "Yeah we'll clear up in the evening!"
"Whoop!" They raced off to bed, Curly hoisting Nibs on his back, the Twins pulling each other, part sleep walking, and Slightly carrying Tootles down in his arms.
I and Wendy went to bed too; I gave her my corner, thinking the curtain might give her some needed privacy from the boys (and give me some time to be alone with my thoughts). "I'm going to sleep with the boys," I told her.
"Okay," She nodded, frowning ever so slightly at my decision, and kissed me on the cheek, "Night."
I paused as she went off into my room. That had been too quick a 'good night.' Where was the hug? The long kiss? I glanced round; the boys were all dead to the world so she needn't worry about privacy. "Good night…" I replied, gently closing the curtain; she was probably just confused after Slightly's story. For a single moment a felt afraid, did she hate me for it? I killed an innocent child… how could she not despise me?
I set up a feather mattress and blanket on the floor, busied myself with ruffling the pillows and blanket until, after remaking the bed five times, I lay down and tried to drift off to sleep. However after lying on the floor listening to the boys' snoring and heavy breathing for thirty minutes at least I sat up, clenching my fists together.
Sleep was impossible.
My head was too alive with a tornado of thoughts and emotions.
The boys snored away, Curly mumbling in his sleep and I envied them all for a single moment. I envied their carefree lives, their lack of responsibility and their deficiency of fear. And I felt a burst of anger at Wendy; why did she have to come and ruin everything? Ruin the fun? Why did she have to unlock all my deepest secrets and emotions? Emotions I'd sealed away fifty years ago, vowing never to let them out again.
But then I blinked and thrust the thoughts away, banished them from myself. I was thinking like a child, Wendy had brought me the greatest emotion of all; love. A sense of devotion and duty that I'd always lacked.
I stood up and flew out the top of the tree. The sun was rising high in the sky and I landed by Mermaid Lagoon softly, my feet touching down on the cold ground just as the sun rose above the mountain, flooding the lagoon in light and sparkling in the clear water.
I lay back against the rock island in the centre of the circle of water, and stared up at the looming hulk of the old 'Jolly Roger.' Her sail was ripped and tattered and a gaping, ragged hole was imprinted on her side: scars from when I and the boys had sailed her off into the open sea, wishing for a storm. One had come, more vicious than ever, it was an adventure to be sure; the boat tossed and turned for what seemed like days on end, and we were nearly grounded on the jagged sharp rocks near Skull Rock when we'd tried to come in to shore. But we'd made it back in the end, with nothing to show for it but aching bones and salty, stinging eyes.
My lips tweaked up in a smile at the memory, we'd had some fun; Curly had been the first to get soaked, stood on one side of the ship trying desperately to tie off a rope, but making a rather poor job of it. To no one's surprise the next wave we hit bounded upwards and soaked him from head to toe. He'd stared at the rest of us, dazed, as we stood at the helm laughing so hard we needed to pee.
The memory vanished and I sighed, looking out into the ocean. I couldn't see Hook's ship from here but I'd seen it on the flight over; sat in the bay. Not moving, as quiet as a cat readying itself to leap on its prey.
On us.
What on earth was he planning?
"You need sleep."
Wendy.
Of course it was Wendy.
"So do you," I replied, not bothering to look up.
"Spill; what's on your mind." She sat next to me, curling her feet up so she was sat in a ball.
"I heard you and Slightly talking." I don't know why I said it; it just came out.
"Yes."
I looked at her, "You're not angry? I eavesdropped."
She returned me gaze, "You're not angry? We talked about your darkest secret behind your back."
I looked back at the ship, "I killed him Wendy." I said blatantly.
"No, you couldn't have known the future. What you did do was kill a brave."
For some reason I felt relieved by her blunt accusation, for once someone wasn't standing up for me, fooling me into thinking I'd been right.
"You don't hate me for it?"
"Grief, rage and guilt make people do the wrong things…" Wendy said softly, "Besides you've changed. Why should mistakes you made in the past affect my view of you now?"
"I don't know," I mumbled, "Because it was still me that mocked a child, me that pushed him into danger, me that didn't act fast enough when the brave came up. That let him die in front of me when if I'd listened to Tickle or Slightly I could've saved him." My voice choked up but I blinked harshly; I didn't deserve to cry or wallow in self-pity. "I accept the blame." I said. "All that's left is to relieve Slightly of my burden; he blames himself too, but he shouldn't."
"You were all there; you all failed to act. But no one is to blame; it was a misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding that cost a life."
"And a misunderstanding that taught you to be more sensitive." She batted my words back. "We learn from our mistakes Peter, we grow from them. They're just not always the nicest mistakes to make."
"You're acting like it was a minor mistake, like forgetting to stab the potatoes before putting them in the oven," I said quickly, anger apparently being the only way to channel my emotions. "It was a life!"
"And what would've happened to that life if you hadn't found him and brought him to Neverland?" She replied softly.
I paused, "He'd have lived on the streets of London…"
"Back in the 1860s? Living on London's streets? I guess there were the workhouses, full of disease, injuries, infection, then there're the mines he could've worked in…" She spoke so bluntly the words rattled the protective cages in my mind, forcing me to take her words on board, "I'd say you saved him a life of suffering."
"He might have lived." My words were feeble. Why was I fighting to blame myself?
"You taught him to fly Peter," She slipped a hand into my own and her voice took on a wistful tone, "It's every child's dream, every adults dream, to want to fly. No one knows what may have happened… but you can't let 'if's' and 'might's' consume you. It's in the past. And we must look towards the future. Think of your Lost Boys, think of what you've taught them, the life you've given them. You are not a bad person Peter."
I squeezed her hand and thought of the boys, their smiling faces, their laughter, when I first taught them to fly and Curly fell on his head and had minor concussion for a week, when Slightly and I went rampaging round London in the night stealing the hats of portly gentlemen to make into protective armour for fighting the pirates, when Tootles fell asleep on my lap and I let him sleep in my bed for the night, when Nibs and I had a swimming competition in the lagoon, when the Twins disappeared for a month and led us on a goose chase round the Island searching for them; just a bit of fun. I allowed myself a small smile, Wendy was right, I had given them a good life, a place to stay. I'd saved them. But I'd still let my own rage and past affect my initial actions on Neverland; I'd inflicted it on an innocent person.
"Everyone deserves a second chance Peter," Wendy spoke softly, as if she could read the thoughts racing through my mind.
I was silent for a while after that. We both stared up at the ship, hand in hand, lost in our own thoughts. I glanced back towards the camp, where the boys were sleeping, innocent and vulnerable, in their beds under the tree.
Most likely snoring for Great Britain.
"I can't leave until Hook's defeated Wendy. I need to protect my boys."
"Slightly can protect them."
"I thought you were going to try and not be selfish." I bit back.
She breathed in deeply. "I don't want to lose you," Her voice was so soft, so small and quiet when she said those words. "Hook's after YOU Peter, not the boys, surely you know that…" She leaned against me, her head fitting snugly in the crevice between my chest and chin. "Run away with me. Run away with me where he can't hurt you."
My heart constricted in my chest at her terrified voice, but I stood my ground, "No, he'll go after the boys to get to me. He'll torture them for information of my whereabouts… I can't let another boy die because of my mistakes. Regardless he knows I won't leave the boys with him here. I can't. I can't live in peace knowing Hook's round the corner form them. Literally, he's round that strip of land Wendy." I took a few steadying breaths, forcing myself to keep the rising panic at bay.
She sighed, "I finally thought we'd made up our minds, for once, that we were going home to London…" She began honestly, "But I understand; you're making the right choice. So what do we do?"
I thought for a moment, do we engage with Hook?
"Nothing. He'll make the first move; he's simply biding his time. If the pirates come onto the Island we act. But if they're on the ship let them be. It's their safe zone." I said, the plan coming to me as I spoke, "After two months I'll come back to England with you, and every evening I'll come here and check on the boys, even if it's just for an hour, I'll sneak in and out so Hook doesn't know I've left, and I'll make myself noticeable when I'm here so he thinks I'm here all along," I looked at her. Her eyes were shining in the sunlight, and her hair taking on an amber tinge. I stroked my fingers through it and kissed her softly on her rosy lips. When I pulled back she lingered, as if she was trying to savour the taste of my lips on hers, "I know it's not ideal… but I doubt Hook will wait two months before making his next move…"
How wrong I was.
xxxxxxxx
Two months passed like lightning, Wendy told the boys stories and spent hours upon hours writing her own when we were off adventuring, we had meals and played war games with the Indians, much to Wendy's disgust we even spent a few days swimming with the mermaids (I'll admit I flirted a little bit with them but… Wendy eyed up the Indian braves too!) and I, of course, told the boys I was leaving.
I thought they'd be surprised, after all I had sworn never to grow up, but they just looked at me, sort of as if they'd known all along that I was changing.
Then Curly burst into tears. Tootles began to suck his thumb. Slightly stood up and clapped me on the back. Nibs frowned ("I thought you weren't ever going to grow up"). The Twins sniffled with a "Who's going to be our leader now?! We want Peter to stayyy!" Wendy tried to calm all the tears. But then I stood on top of one of the beds.
"MEN! At attention!"
They scrambled into order, bumping into each other, some rubbing their puffy eyes.
"I do not want you to fret." I declared loudly, "There shall be a new leader." They all gasped and I smirked at my power (now that was one thing I would miss), but then I took on a more serious tone, "And he shall be a much better leader than I ever could be, and he will look after you and play games and go on adventures with you all! That is until he's ready to grow up."
I looked at Slightly with a small smile and he stared back wide-eyed, "Slightly," I held out my dagger, "This belongs to you."
Slightly stepped forward, his mouth in an oval shape, "Peter? You can't be serious! I can't lea-"
"You've done it every time I've gone away. You're perfect. More so than me. You can find other Lost Boys, bring them here. Teach them to fly!"
"I can't even fly like you Peter!" He tried to press the dagger back into my hands.
I stepped down and placed my hands on his shoulders, "Yes you can. Just believe, believe in yourself and believe in Neverland." I looked sincerely into his dark chocolate coloured eyes, "I trust you Slightly. Take them on an adventure. As my oldest and most faithful Lost Boy, I trust you." I put emphasis on the last three words; as if my emphasis could physically drive the words into his heart, show him how much he meant to me.
Tink showered him in pixie dust, the glittering particles landing on his nose and dissolving into his skin like snow and I turned him boldly round to face the others.
"I am proud to accept this Peter." Slightly spoke after a second, staring all the while at the dagger in his hands, his lips turning up into a wide smile. "Now my men! Prepare a feast for this magnificent news! I am going to talk," And he beamed up at me, "with our Captain Pan."
"I'd be honoured to talk to you, Captain Slight." I replied, gazing down at him.
His eyes lit up and with a, "Race you to the top!" he flew off into the sky through the magical top of Home Tree; I followed, overtaking him by a sliver.
We fell onto the ground, laughing for some reason at our race. I clapped him on the back, "Slightly! I love you!" The words fell so easily out my mouth; it was as if they'd been waiting on the tip of my tongue for years and years.
"As do I." He replied.
"What? Love yourself?" I joked.
"Pfft! Well obviously!" He joked back, winking at me.
I laughed, "You're more like me than you think Cap."
He shook his head, "Don't call me that yet- I haven't earnt it."
"I think you have…" I responded softly.
We stared up at the stars as they danced in the sky, flirting with each other as they winked and flashed.
"II ship those two," Slightly said, pointing upwards, "They won't stop flashing at each other, and I swear they're getting closer to each other each night."
I paused before looking across at him, "You spend an awful lot of time observing others' relationships Slightly." I said thinking of his watching Wendy's flying dress as it made its way towards the beach.
"Huh?"
"I heard you and Wendy talking a few nights ago…I erm… went for a walk…"
"You mean went to check Hook was safely locked in his ship?"
I flinched, "How-?"
"I know you well enough by now Peter, even if you have grown up- we've been living with each other for fifty years." He smirked knowingly, "I knew you wouldn't be able to relax without going to his ship even once, just to get a closer look at him at least."
I breathed a laugh, "That's true… Look, I just wanted to say about Lumpy, it wasn't you fau-"
"I know." He sighed, "I just can't help but think about the 'if's and 'might's. What if I'd gone forward and-"
"Slightly stop." I shifted myself so I was sat in front of him, "You and Tickle did nothing wrong whatsoever. It was me. And my stupid 'fun ideals.'"
He shook his head vigorously, "They're not 'stupid ideals' Peter, that intense fun and happiness was the thing that saved me. And you know it Peter- you saved me."
I gulped thinking back to when I had first found Slightly, a beaten young boy, skinny and dishevelled, curled up in the basement of a Vicar's home situated at the back of a church in the middle of a gothic graveyard. The Vicar believed in the old tale that children are born with evil in their hearts and must grow out of it. So he purged the children there, tortured them more like, using the excuse that he was doing God's duty, tricking the other villagers into believing him. He'd collect them from the orphanages and then sell them on as servants, when they were 'good' once more. Slightly was the worst one, bleeding profusely, and barely keeping his eyes open; completely devoid of hope for life.
"You gave me hope, and now I have a second chance at life, just back in London waiting for when I'm ready for it."
I bit my lip, I'd never thought about how much I'd helped him before, how much I'd helped all the boys before…I smiled at him, "Thank you Slightly… for believing in me too. Even after Lumpy, even when Tickle left."
"I will always believe in you Peter Pan." And he grasped my hand tightly in my own. "Don't come back all the time Peter, after these two months are over; it's not fair on Wendy. Trust me to deal with Hook. Have faith in me to keep them all safe. Let me do this. Be free, grow up, marry Wendy- live Peter. You've been waiting long enough."
"So have you!"
He smiled and shook his head softly, "I'm not ready… but you are. Please Peter- if I need you I'll find you. I know you're behind me, brother." And for the first time since that basement, since I blew fairy dust across his face and taught him to fly, I watched as tears filled his eyes. In the light they looked as if they were sparkling, they looked like fairy dust.
Tears unwillingly began to fill my own, "What are we like Slightly?" I laughed as our tears fell, mixing together and creating a puddle on the leaf shielded floor.
"We're a mess," He agreed, yanking me down into a hug, "I'll miss you, so much. But we'll see each other again, and these last months are going to be the best months ever. We'll saviour every moment, not thinking once about the time slipping away from us."
"I'll come back for holiday," I laughed.
"I'll look forward to it… Captain Pan."