REVISED 13/09/17
CHAPTER FOURTEEN - A COUNTRY FOR MEN
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say Something ~ A Great Big World
…
NALI
Board meetings had never really been my thing.
I didn't feel comfortable trapped under the scrutinising stares of Tanaka Enterprise's looming Board Members, their faces lined with experience and their postures stiff with stifling propriety. Once they stepped inside the confinement of those four walls they became more like ghostly caricatures of the men they truly were, casting off the role of a father, a grandfather, a partner like a snake casts aside a skin.
In that cold steel room, mechanical business men took their place. The weight of their expectations made it easy to feel displaced within those walls. In fact the whole building, from its spotless modern touches to its polished glass exterior, failed to inspire anything in me but a chill along my spine and a growing dislike for strangely shaped chairs and stainless steel tables.
Despite my reservations, I had spent most of my childhood within those walls, watching as my father had conducted his business negotiations or hiding underneath the table and attempting to see how many shoe laces I could tie together before those old codgers noticed. But while I felt smothered by the stoic nature of the room, Daichi Tanaka had thrived. The whole dynamic of the room had been altered by his presence, ladies were charmed and business leaders enraptured by my father's vision and cheery disposition.
His absence made that room all the more haunting.
Personally, I now tried to avoid the room as often as possible, preferring to conduct my business in my grandmother's old offices in the back. They were more like libraries, lined wall to wall with hundreds of bookcases and filled with dark wood desks that creaked at every movement.
Nowadays meetings were far and few between. I usually dealt with business out of the office, but unfortunately some meetings in the Board room were unavoidable.
My eyebrow twitched with faint irritation at the thought of the elderly board members I had had no choice but to entertain that early morning in the monthly board meeting. Hours and hours of discussing issues I had already dealt with had been pretty tedious. But while those old codgers argued amongst themselves, diving for the scraps that tumbled from the higher table, I took the opportunity to doodle and scrutinise who exactly was behind me and who had already turned Judas.
A tray clanked abruptly against the wooden table. The chair across from me scraped back across floorboards and a cup of tea slid towards me, its warm breathy steam caressing my cool face. Yori's warm gaze settled on me keenly.
"It wasn't so bad," He stated bluntly.
I didn't reply, letting the lively chatter of the bakery fill the silence between us. Spring rain drizzled against the glass of the window, a sharp contrast to the warm inside glow cast by the Bakery.
"It wasn't exactly a grand success either," I muttered, grasping the delicate cup between frozen palms.
There was no escaping the fact board meetings were honestly another excuse to find fault in all I did. Neikan kept the board members wrapped around her little finger, had always had a tight grasp on the nooks and crannies of the company so that there was never any shadow to hide in.
"Neikan's influence is unerringly strong within the company, she has had years to implement herself in the most annoying places. We knew it was going to be difficult." Yori said, quartering his sticky pastry. A flurry of flakes sprayed forth from his knife, "Especially in light of your diagnosis."
"My cancer you mean." I said bluntly.
Yori choked. He coughed loudly and eyes bulging with shock shot me a disbelieving look. I calmly sipped my tea, before tucking my legs underneath myself neatly. The only skirt currently found within my wardrobe rode up slightly and I pulled down quickly. I hated work clothes, made me feel like a kid forced to dress up for church on Sunday.
"There's no need to be delicate about it, Uncle." I told him calmly, "I'm not going to be offended if you call it what it is."
He gaped openly, his large eyes blinking rapidly as if he could not quite believe what he was hearing.
"And you're right. If Neikan's letter was any indication, she's already a few steps ahead of us."
Yori exhaled loudly, visibly deflating, the weight of the situation seemingly heavy on his shoulders. Uncle was usually full of light and life and never hard pressed for a grin, but the last year had clearly aged him. Smiles no longer came so easily and while his eyes still twinkled warmly with his usual mirth, they were underlined by dark bags indicating that he was clearly at the mercy of many sleepless nights.
I was not as oblivious to the company hardships as I pretended to be. However, between pounding migraines and the daily antics of school, I did not have to time to deal with the two-faced shit of board members. So I turned the other cheek - to a point.
It was easy to ignore the Old Codgers false sympathies, their declarations of loyalty and their not-so-discrete reporting to Neikan as long as they did not question my ability within the company. It was my responsibility to father and to my family legacy to ensure it stayed protected and strong. Even if I didn't agree with all the company now stood for.
"We'll get through this Nali. We've always pulled through in the past. Her influence is no more than the tiniest of bugs on a windshield in the grand scheme of things."
Worrying my lip, my eyes slipped past Yori to land on two children threading their way through the gaps in tables and distracted adults. Their laughter was light, their grins wide like they had not a care in the world. And how I envied them that carefree gaiety.
Head shaking, I turned once more to my uncle, "I don't think we will."
Sympathy flickered across Yori's features and he reached forward, his brow drawn. But I stopped him before he could speak.
"I'm not saying that the situation is entirely hopeless or that we should give in, but Yori," I paused, exhaling heavily, "The Company is clearly on it's last legs. Yes, I will fight to preserve it to my very last breath, but sometimes we have to learn to let somethings go. Neikan's influence cannot really be addressed because we cannot fight it. We have to pick the battles we can win, in order to be victorious in the war."
Yori held my gaze for a few moments. And then he laughed, a startling big bark of a laugh which jolted me abruptly in my seat. He shook his head, wisps of his hair whipping free from his low ponytail and curling to frame his angular features. A wide grin slipped onto my face.
"My darling niece, how did you end up so wise beyond your years?" He grinned infectiously, continuing to pick apart his pastry.
"Lots of practice. I find that when you constantly surround yourself with immature people, your own maturity levels shoot up a notch or two." I replied blandly.
Uncle pouted, "You make it sound like you're the one looking after me and not the other way around."
My eyebrow raised pointedly.
"Exactly whom was it who set fire to himself last month?"
"I thought we said we'd never speak of that incident again." Yori slid down his seat, a sheepish look warping his features.
"You may have said something like that, but I vividly remember Mika and I were too preoccupied with laughter to agree to anything."
He scoffed, mumbling to himself but my grin just grew wider.
"Don't pout, I thought you were supposed to be the adult."
"Don't pout, I thought you were supposed to be the adult." He mimicked, scowling heavily down at the table.
"Real mature."
Oh, Nali's got her sassy pants on today! Inner-Nali giggled.
"Mature? Mature?! You want to talk about mature?" Yori smirked at me, "Why don't you tell me about all these Host Boys you have been seeing!"
"Uncle!" I cried scandalously, "You make it sound as if I'm dating all of them!"
"Maybe not all of them, but there must be one on your mind!" He cried exuberantly, "All those pretty boys surrounding you, you can't tell me that not one has struck your fancy!"
A flush rose up my neck, leaving an attractive fire engine red trail along my skin. Yori's exuberance had attracted a few curious stares and I began to sink slowly into my chair. I wondered if it was possible for the chair swallow me whole and save me from the impending doom of embarrassment my uncle was due to cause.
"I am not having this conversation with you."
"Oh no no no no, that's not how it works. If I'm the immature one then I get to ask the immature questions." Yori chided, leaning forward eagerly in his seat. His hands steepled under his chin, a solemn expression overtaking his face, "So tell me about this Ootori boy Kito has spoken of."
I almost spat out my tea.
Mission abort, abort, abort! Inner-Nali cried, Change the subject! Change the subject!
"You've been spying on me!"
"I wouldn't necessarily call it spying, more like concerned checking in…on occasion. And don't change the subject, Nali-Bali," Merde. "Spill the details before I make an immature scene."
Crossing my arms, I scowled, "I hate you so much right now."
"I know." Yori grinned victoriously, "Now tell me."
I eyed up the bane of my existence, weighing up the possibility of squirming out of this conversation.
"You and Kito are like a bunch of old gossiping women, there's nothing to tell." Yori just smirked.
"There is most definitely something to tell when a young man offers to take you out."
The flush on my cheeks turned fiery and I sunk further into the seat.
"It was for tea!" I pointed out lamely. Merde, merde, merde. "And it didn't even happen!"
"But you rainchecked it."
"I was being polite!" Must avoid eye contact at all costs. Must avoid eye contact. Avoid eye contact.
"He drove you home."
I gaped openly at the crazy old fool, who was literally bouncing in his chair with excitement. His exuberance was palpable, it hung sickly sweet in the air like bad toothache. I swore to Kami I was going to bloody murder Kito and his big mouth when I got my hands on him.
It's your own fault. Inner-Nali remarked, I did warn you at the time.
I couldn't help it. He wouldn't leave me alone, he kept banging on his you-need-to-be-more-sociable drum with his disapproving face and I couldn't get him to shut up!
Well he did walk in on us curled up on the sofa, sobbing into a pint of frozen yoghurt. Inner-Nali narked.
I mentally scowled. Great, even my inner-self was ganging up on me.
It was a sad movie ok!
Inner-Nali smirked, Ohh someone is becoming a wee bit defensive.
"It was one time!" I exclaimed, mentally cursing Inner-Nali, "And he didn't even drive! It was a blooming chauffeur!"
Flashes of the awkward lift home played on my mind. It had been a horrible day and I hadn't exactly been looking forward to the trudge home in the rain. It had only been logical that I jumped at the first chance at making it home halfway dry. It just so happened that it was Kyoya who made the offer first.
Keep telling yourself that sugar. Inner Nali remarked cheekily.
I pointedly ignored her as Yori's smirk grew, and dread pooled in the pit of my stomach.
"No need to get so defensive." Inner-Nali snickered at the echoing statement, "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."
"I hate you." I deadpanned.
"Oh I know, my darling niece, you tell me often enough. But I can't exactly blame you for being unable to resist his gentlemanly charms, you're reaching that age when boys will become men and as much as I can try to protect you from the evil of this world, there are always going to be some fish whom slip through the net."
Blink, blink, stare. Blink, blink.
"I cannot believe you just said that." My head dropped into my hands, blush roaring across my face so brightly that I undoubtedly resembled traffic light.
"You better believe it!" Yori grinned, his eyes literally sparkling as he gazed off into the distance, "It is after all my duty as your uncle to guide you through the important points of your life. In particular, when a charming prince is likely to come and sweep you off your feet and-"
"Right let's stop that train of thought right there." Uncle deflated, a cloud of gloom forming over his head as he mumbled into his coffee. Such a Drama Queen. "Besides it doesn't matter if Kyoya is my…um 'charming prince'…because I'm not going to see him, or the others for that matter, again after this term."
Abruptly Yori sat up ramrod straight, startling me. Tea sloshed about in the dainty cup for a few seconds, but thankfully none spilled.
You're so protective over your tea. Inner-Nali pointed out.
Shut up, it is the drink of the Gods.
"Why ever not?!"
"Hm?" Yori was peering at me bewilderedly.
"Why would you not see him again?"
"Oh." I placed my cup on the table. Brushing my hair behind my ear, I tucked myself further into the plush arm chair as if to make myself invisible to Uncle's knowing stare. "I terminated my place with the school, effective after this term finishes."
"Why on earth…"
"Chemo starts next month."
Yori's mouth fell into an open 'o'. I picked disinterestedly at a loose thread on my cardigan, refusing to meet his gaze, uncertain of what I would see within the depths of his eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was to disappoint my uncle, but this was my decision to make.
"I see." His voice was subdued, "Why didn't you say anything?"
I hmmed, squirming slightly in my seat.
"Didn't want Mika-chan to know," silence. "You don't need to worry, I've got enough money from commissions to pay for the bills and supplies and stuff, at least until I'm well enough again to look for a proper job and-"
"Oh Nali."
Uncle's voice was soft and I shyly glanced up. Yori was solemn, his gaze earnest and sorrow pricked me.
"Please tell me you know that you are not in this alone."
"I know that-"
"I don't think you do." Yori shook his head and released a sigh "You don't honestly believe that those boys, or even Haruhi and Mei, are going to leave you alone now, do you? You've inserted yourself into their lives. Into the heart of what they do."
His words sank into my skin, seeping into every pore, "I didn't think…"
"You think so lowly of yourself sometimes." Yori's smile was sad and hollow, "Those boys, regardless of whether or not they know the how's or the why's you are ill, are more likely to close down the whole of the Host Club than to abandon you now."
Sniffling slightly, I wiped my face roughly. Uncle snorted at the look on my face and I couldn't help the wet giggle that burst forth at his own expression.
"I guess I didn't realise."
"It's your default position, to forget how much you can mean to others." Yori laughed and I couldn't help but giggle with him.
"As for Mika-chan, you forget that she is no longer a child."
"I just don't like to burden her, or you," I sighed, "I'm the head of the family I-"
"Should know when you need to turn to family. It's in the title after all." Uncle raised an eyebrow and I turned sheepish, "She worries about you already, if you actually talked to us sometimes, then maybe we would all worry less."
"I'm sorry – ow!" A biscuit fell into my lap and I rubbed the tender spot where it had smacked my forehead, "What was that for!"
"Too right you are sorry, young lady." Uncle pouted childishly and I scowled.
"Did we not just have a conversation about immaturity?"
"That wasn't immaturity. That was me knocking some sense into your stupid head!"
I shot him a disbelieving look, cursing his insanity. How I survived in this family, Kami only knows.
"With a biscuit?!"
"It was closest to hand," He shot me a shrewd look, "Would you rather I hit you with my mug?"
"I'd rather you didn't hit me at all!"
"Why you ungrateful-"
Uncle's curses was drowned out by my loud laughter. Nearby customers eyed us warily but we didn't care. Outside the spring rain slowed to a sluggish stop, the sun peering through the dark clouds.
…
Yori's words stuck with me. They ricocheted around inside my skull, searing themselves into my brain. The old fool was right as usual – I needed to stop being so hard headed.
While the weight off of the shoulders was a relief, I found it hard sometimes to talk to the people who I felt understood the best; they were often away or hard to get a hold of and those closest to me didn't always understand.
Shut uppppp! Inner-Nali butted in abruptly. I stumbled slightly but thankfully no one was around to see anything and so I continued on my way, albeit at a faster pace and with my gaze glued to the pavement. You're such a Debbie Downer.
It's not like you're much help.
Inner-Nali rolled her eyes. I'm our reality check. Now put your Big Girl pants on and get a moving, there's a pint of ice cream with our name on it.
The streets were quiet, besides the occasional passing car. Spring rains had washed away the falling cherry blossoms and chased them down into the street gutters now alit by flickering street lamplight. Puddles had bubbled up between cracks in the pavements, and they splashed around the heels of my knackered converse as I trudged through my neighbourhood. It wasn't quite dark yet, the hues of sunset sat on the edge of the horizon, creating a swirling vortex of deep purples and indigoes overhead.
Spring was coming to a close and soon my time at Ouran would reach its finale. I wondered absently what I would do next.
It had after all been over a year since things had changed.
They say that with time things become easier. Time heals all wounds that is honest enough, but the wound becomes a scar and that scar stays with you forever. Easy to ignore but impossible to forget.
Pain lessens eventually though and life moves on. Time does not stop for anyone; you may pause to savour a moment, to try to treasure it but like the unshakeable current on its way out to sea, time will snatch you up and send you back on your way once more.
I paused midstep, my gaze falling on the quietly bubbling fountain. I pulled out an old photograph and stared down at the five smiling faces encased within the cracked and aged paper. I didn't pause to think, nor to remember.
And with a deep breath, I pocketed the photograph. With their faces imprinted in my mind I took a step forward. Then another. Then another, until I was putting the fountain and it's square behind me.
I'd found the strength to continue on and more than just home lay ahead.
When home did appear within sight, my pace quickened until I was sprinting towards the rickety old iron staircase that led to the safety beyond my front door.
But I froze.
"Nali-Bali! There you are!"
Well there goes our peace and quiet. Inner-Nali groaned, sinking to the floor in despair.
Externally, I resigned myself to the mercy of my best friend.
"Mei, what on earth are you doing here?"
The girl in question grinned widely, leaning precariously over the iron railing towards me, parts of her wild mane escaping from the colourful clip attempting and severely failing to contain it.
"I thought you might want the company!" She exclaimed, "And look I brought Haruhi with me! I was thinking we could have a sleepover!"
Haruhi's sheepish brown gaze came into gaze as I ascended the last of the stairs leading to my home. Rucksacks lay haphazardly at their feet and Mei was clutching her beloved Mr Snuggles, who was barely visible from where he was tucked into her shirt collar. Drops of rain dusted their shoulders, they must've just caught the beginning of the rain.
"You liar, you just wanted more cake." I turned to address the smaller girl as I moved to unlock the door, "She ambushed you, huh?"
Haruhi shrugged half-heartedly, "It sounded like a good idea."
"And your dad is ok with it?" I paused, "What am I saying, this is Ranka we're talking about, of course he was fine with it."
"Come on, don't tell me that after such a long tiring day full of weird old men, you don't just want to kick your feet up and have a bit girl chat."
I stared at Mei blankly. What was it with everyone making me sound like some sort promiscuous, dating-
Whore, honey. Inner-Nali butted in, The word you're looking for is Whore.
Thanks for that.
Oh don't pout they were the ones who implied it. Now hurry up and invite your guests in, it's not like we had real plans anyway.
The door swung open as the lock whined loudly and I sighed before looking back at the two of them.
"You might as well come in then."
Mei squealed loudly, before launching herself into the warmth of my home. Haruhi and I watched her exuberance with a strange mix of acceptance and wariness.
"We're going to have so much fun! I have so many plans! We can eat chocolate and ice cream and brownies and watch girly chick flicks and bad horrors and eat more junk food and paint each other's nails and do each other's hair and tell secrets and cry unashamedly at sad movies and talk about boys and…"
"You're protecting me from her, you know that right?" I told Haruhi blandly.
"After the idiots' antics, I don't think she'll be much of a problem." She replied frankly before following behind the insanity of Mei. Well I couldn't exactly argue with that.
What have we gotten ourselves into this time? Shaking my head I moved to enter the house but something caught me mid-step.
On my doorstep, sitting almost out of sight on my worn welcome mat was an innocent looking box. I was surprised Mei hadn't launched herself upon it, but I guessed that she was too wrapped up in her pre-sleepover anticipation to take much notice of anything else. It wasn't the box itself however that stopped me in my tracks, nor the hand scrawled note resting neatly on top, it was instead the familiar embossed gold script stretched across its side.
Ochaya's Teahouse! It proclaimed loudly.
Slowly, I picked it up the elegant box and cautiously unfurled the note, heart thumping loudly within my chest. The edges of the paper had crinkled slightly and ink ran in places where wayward raindrops had fallen upon the paper, but the words were still eligible.
For that raincheck, KO.
A soft grin spread across my face at the scratched letters and I shook my head with a small chuckle.
Scars do stay with you forever, but they are what makes us, well us. As I pushed my hair back from my face, fingertips brushed gently against my own scars. Yes, more than home lay ahead.
It was the courage to move on that lay ahead.