Chapter 14

Buffy, Angel, and Connor strolled through the graveyard looking for any signs of the undead or demons from hell. Anything would've been better than the uncomfortable silence between Buffy and Angel. Connor decided to move ahead of the two to get away from the awkwardness he felt around them. He was glad to be out of earshot of anything they had to say. Obviously it was a serious issue.

"What do you want me to say?" Buffy asked.

"I don't know." Angel said. They were silent for another minute before Angel blurted, "God, Buffy! It's Spike." She sighed. "Spike of all people." When she didn't say anything, he kept going. "Why didn't you come talk to me?"

"And what would that have solved? We'd still be in the same position."

"I could've helped you. We could've worked things out."

"You were busy with your life. You were busy with your son. There was no room for me."

"No room? Buffy, if you'd have come to me, I would've dropped everything to save you from that misery."

"Even your son?" He hesitated, which was enough for her. "I couldn't bring that misery into his life." She looked up at the stars, letting out a sad sigh. "You don't know how many times I started to go to you. But every time, I stopped myself. I stopped myself from ruining your son's life."

"You couldn't have ruined it anymore than I did."

"You didn't ruin his life, Angel. Holtz did when he took Connor from you."

Angel shook his head. "I can't be that angry with you, though."

"Why?"

"Because I stopped myself from coming to you." She waited, her brow furrowed in confusion. "I thought about coming to you over and over and asking you to be Connor's mother…. Or at least asking you for help in raising him. Maybe if I had, I could have saved you from your misery and we could've saved Connor from Quar-Toth."

"That's a lot of 'ifs'." She shook her head. "But it happened. All of it. And we can't change any of it as much as we both want to."

"I know." He stopped and grabbed her hand. "Tell me one thing, though. Do you love him?"

Buffy shook her head. "No. He was…. Convenient. He was there when I wanted someone and he was someone I could take my anger out on. I tried to stop a few times, but something in me clicked when Riley caught us together. I ended it…. Whatever 'it' was…. And that was it."

"When did he…." He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Just before Warren shot Tara and me. I don't know what happened to him, but he didn't get to finish what he started."

"Did he hurt you?"

"I was already hurt."

"That's not what I asked."

"What could that possibly do except just make you angry?"

"I just want to know."

"Of course he hurt me. But it wasn't just physical. I let myself trust him. I let myself believe that he was a good person. That he was like you in some way. God, was I ever kidding myself." Her cell phone rang. "Hello? Yeah? Where? Ok, we'll meet you there." She hung up. "Xander knows what that thing is and how we can stop it. We're meeting him at the Bronze."

Connor, Buffy, and Angel met Xander and Nancy outside the Bronze. "She in there?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah. She's with a 'client'." Xander said. Buffy nodded and led the way in.

"See, honey, what I'm driving us towards here is sometimes, don't you just wish that…. Oh, penis!" Anya groaned as she saw Xander walk in with Nancy, Buffy, Connor, and Angel in tow.

"Is this the one you talked to?" Xander asked Nancy. She nodded.

"I tell you what, why don't we put a pin in it?" Anya said to the woman she was talking to. "Why don't you get yourself a drink, and we'll pick it up in a few, ok?" She glared at the four of them. "You guys, I am working here."

"We noticed." Buffy said. "That's why we're here."

"Riiiight. Did you turn this nice lady's ex into a giant worm-monster?" Xander asked.

Anya laughed. "Yes."

"No way. Are you saying that thing was Ronnie?" Nancy asked.

"You wish it, I dish it. I thought we were clear on this. I didn't think you were going to go all narc on me."

"You wished your ex was a worm?" Angel asked.

"Well, we were just talking." Nancy said.

"Anya has a way of making things happen." Xander explained.

"I had a quota; the guy had it coming." Anya defended. "What's the big?"

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Nancy said.

Buffy shook her head. "Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog."

"Ooh, puppy!" Anya cooed.

"Wait, that gets your sad noise?" Xander asked. "People's lives are in danger, and you give it up for the Yorkie?"

"You never understood me, Xander."

"Xander, who is this woman?" Nancy asked.

"Anya, she's, um, Anya. My ex."

"Oh."

"Hey, nobody's bragging here." Anya got up from the table and started to walk off, but suddenly Spike was there to stop her from leaving, grabbing her upper arms.

"Ah, ah, ah…." He said.

"Hey, hands off the merchandise. Spike, you don't get to go there again."

"Please. I've already forgotten about our little time together."

"I thought you were Xander's ex-girlfriend." Nancy said.

"I am." Anya said.

"But you and Spike…."

"Had a thing."

"Didn't last." Spike said.

Nancy looked at him. "But weren't you Buffy's…."

"Briefly."

"Never serious." Buffy said.

"Is there anyone here that hasn't slept together?"

"I haven't slept with anyone." Connor said.

"Good." Buffy and Angel said.

"Look, at least we're all bipeds, which is more than I can say for Ronnie, the worm boy." Anya said.

"Ok, guys, can we focus here for just a second?" Buffy asked. "Anya, this Ronnie. He wasn't a worm." She gestured three inches with her thumb and forefinger. "Worms are like this big." She gestured with her hands apart. "This thing was like…."

"Sluggoth demon. Am I right?" Spike said.

Anya rolled her eyes. "Maybe."

"Wait, I didn't wish for that." Nancy said. "I mean, I don't even know what this whatchamacallit demon thing is."

"Sluggoth demon. It's a very large, very nasty, natural predator who died around the crusades." Spike said.

"Same phylum." Anya said. "It's not cheating, I just embellished."

"Well, you can un-embellish now." Xander said.

"Bite me, Harris. I have rules to work with. Vengeance demon codes of conduct. But you'll never understand 'cause you're all still so…. human."

Spike stepped up to Anya and got in her face. "I'm not. Demon, just like yourself, Anya. Now, you're gonna turn the spell around like a good little vengeance demon or I…. what?"

Anya stared into Spike's eyes with a look of astonishment. "Oh, my God!"

"What are you staring at?"

"Oh, my God!"

"Right. Let's go." Spike tried to walk away, but Anya grabbed a hold of his forearm.

"How did you do it?"

"Spike, what is she talking about?" Buffy asked.

"I can see you."

"Nothing. Let's go. Got some worm hunting to do." Spike tried again to leave, but Anya was being insistent.

"How did you do it?"

"Shut up."

"You shouldn't be allowed to."

"Shut your mouth!"

"I mean, how did you get it?"

"I said you shut up!" Spike punched Anya in the face with his free arm. She fell to the floor and kicked Spike across the room. He landed on the pool table. When she got back up again, she was in demon face.

"I am so gonna kick your ass."

Spike got up off the pool table, fully ready to engage Anya in a fight. "Right, bitch. Round and round we…." But Buffy cut him off by grabbing his arm and turning him to face her. He was in demon face now.

"You haven't changed, Spike." Buffy said. She punched him in the face and he punched back. They continued to fight and it was clear that Buffy was angry. Spike wasn't helping, either. He was being an ass and goading her instead of fighting back.

"Working out some personal issues, are we?" Buffy punched and kicked him. "Hey, I guess this would be first contact since, uh, you know when. Ooh, up for another round up on the balcony, then?" She hit him again and he landed on the floor, laughing. "Right you are, luv. I haven't changed. Not a lick. And watching your face trying to figure me out was absolutely delicious."

"Buffy!" Xander called.

"Not now, Xander." Buffy snapped.

"Nancy. She's gone. And out there all alone, she's worm bait."

"I'll go find her. Stay with Anya. Get her to reverse that spell."

"Hey, is that it?" Spike called. "A little touchy-feely, and then you're off to the bat poles?" Buffy left the Bronze and Angel followed, stopping long enough to punch Spike in the face.

"Do you see her anywhere?" Buffy asked as they ran along rooftops.

"Help me! Help!"

"No, but I hear her." Angel said. "This way." They jumped over an alley and Buffy saw Nancy from the rooftop.

Nancy was trying to climb the ladder as the worm demon made another bang against the building's foundation, and Nancy fell off. Angel grabbed a cable and swung in from the rooftop on a rope, caught Nancy, and let go when they were over a cushioned place to land. Buffy jumped down and ran over. They walked around to assess the situation, but the worm demon came up out of the ground next to Buffy. She was about to attack it when Spike landed behind her and ripped a pipe off the wall.

"You've had your turn, luv. Leave the real violence to the demons, yeah?" He reared back with the pipe in hand and beat the worm demon with it. "That's right. Big bad's back, and looking for a little death!"

Then he stepped back dramatically, holding the pipe like a deadly spear and plunged it into the worm demon right as it turned back into the naked, vulnerable human, Ronnie. Ronnie and Spike screamed and Spike clutched his head. His face had a look of horror when realized what he had inadvertently done.

"Ronnie!" Nancy yelled.

"I'm sorry." Spike cocked his head and removed the spear from Ronnie. Buffy ran to Ronnie's aid with a blanket as Angel moved towards Spike.

Spike held the spear with both hands and looked at it, talking to himself. "Right. Wrong. All wrong. Wrong maneuver. Not hardly helpful. God, please help me. Help me!"

"You're not the one who needs help." Angel said.

"He's going into shock." Buffy said. She dialed 9-1-1 while Spike mumbled under his breath.

"No. No. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Inside me all the way…."

"Yeah, I need an ambulance. Someone's been stabbed. Oh, God, uh, corner of Third and Fairview. Ok, help is coming. Try not to move."

Spike tapped his chest. "Deep, deep, deep inside me."

"Look, Spike, whatever you're doing…."

Spike jumped away from something that wasn't there. "Get away. Get. Uhh…."

"Do it somewhere else. I am through with this."

"Oh, oh, lucky girl. Call it quits. Now, there's an option. If only it were so easy. If only…. If only…. If only…." He stopped and looked at the wall. "What the hell are you screaming about? I can hear you. No need to SHOUT!" While screaming shout, Spike's voice and face changed into a scream of agony. He bent over in pain and then stood up and laughed, still holding the pipe. "I get it. The joke's on me. Lots of laughs." He twirled the pipe slowly, like a baton. "Yeah. Hey, bring the wife and kiddies. Come see the show 'cause it's going to be a circus. This…." He walked toward Buffy and kneeled in front of her. "Just the beginning, luv. A warm-up act. The real headliner's coming, and when that band hits the stage, all of this…. all this…. will come tumbling in death and screaming, horror and bloodshed. From beneath you, it devours. From beneath…." Spike started to cry and looked away. "Poor Rocky." At first, he was crying but then started to gag. He ran away down the alley, leaving them there with Ronnie and Nancy. Xander and Connor came running to them and Anya was following, sauntering slowly.

"Buffy!" Connor called.

"You. You did this. What are you?" Nancy ran away.

Buffy took off her jacket and folded it up into a pillow that she put under Ronnie's head.

"She's not calling me." Xander said.

Buffy stood and handed Xander her cell phone. "Ok. Help is on the way. Look after him."

Buffy ran off down the alley after Spike. Angel caught up with her at the end of the ally. "Where are you goin'?"

"Angel…. I have to…. Something's not right."

"I'm coming with you. It's not safe."

"I can take him."

Angel looked at her with dark, scary eyes. "Buffy, you don't know what he's capable of. I do. I'm the one that taught him."

After a moment, she nodded. Angel took her hand and followed Spike's scent. It led them to a chapel in one of the many cemeteries with lanterns lighting the front door. She let go of Angel's hand and headed toward it. Angel followed directly behind her.

There was an oval painting on the wall which was lit with moonlight streaming into the small chapel. It appeared to be a medieval painting of Mary holding baby Jesus and standing in front of a fringed white drape. Buffy and Angel walked through the front door. The chapel was set up with a dozen wooden pews arranged on either side of a central aisle. There was a large, simple, gothic crucifix at the front of the chapel that could be seen by looking directly down the central aisle. Buffy looked around and saw there were three stained glass arched windows on each sidewall of the chapel. She walked forward and jumped when Spike spoke to her from the shadows behind them.

"Hello."

"What the hell are you…." Buffy started, but Spike came out of the shadows, bare-chested, and holding his shirt out to her.

"It didn't work. Costume. Didn't help. Couldn't hide."

"No more mind games, Spike."

"No more mind games. No more mind."

Buffy reached for his chest, where the scars she had seen a few days before were healing. "Tell me what happened to you."

Spike flinched and recoiled violently. "Hey, hey, hey! No touching. Am I flesh? Am I flesh to you? Feed on flesh. My flesh. Nothing else. Not a spark. Oh, fine. Flesh then. Solid through." He started unzipping his pants. "Get it hard; service the girl."

Buffy was disgusted and smacked his hands away from his pants. "Stop it!"

Spike reflexively reached up and grabbed her by the throat. Angel grabbed his shoulder and threw him across the room. Spike landed on top of some pews, breaking them into pieces. He sat up a little, propped on his elbows behind him.

"Right. Girl doesn't want to be serviced. Because there's no spark. Ain't we in a soddin' engine?"

Buffy walked over to him. "Spike, have you completely lost your mind?"

"Well, yes. Where've you been all night?"

"You thought you would just come back here and…. be with me?"

"First time for everything."

"This is all you get. I'm listening. Tell me what happened."

"I tried to find it, of course."

"Find what?"

"The spark. The missing…. the piece that fit. That would make me fit. Because you didn't want…. God, I can't…. Not with you looking." Spike stood and walked away to a nearby window. He stood there, mostly in shadow, his body directed away from her. He looked back over his shoulder at her. "I dreamed of killing you." Keeping an eye on him, Buffy bent down to pick up a large splinter from the broken pews at her feet to use as a stake, if necessary. "I think they were dreams. So weak. Did you make me weak, thinking of you, holding myself, and spilling useless buckets of salt over your…. ending? Angel…. you should've warned me. You made a good show of forgetting, but it's here, in me, all the time." Angel finally understood. "The spark. I wanted to give you what you deserve, what he gives you…. and I got it. They put the spark in me and now all it does is burn. Why didn't you tell me it would burn?"

"Your soul." Buffy said.

"Bit worse for lack of use."

"You got your soul back. How?" Angel asked.

"It's what she wanted, right?" Spike looked at Buffy. "It's what you wanted, right?" He looked down and walked up the aisle towards the alter. "And…. and now everybody's in here, talking. Everything I did…. everyone I…. and him…. and it…. the other, the thing beneath…. beneath you. It's here too. Everybody. They all just tell me go…. go….to hell."

"Why?" Buffy asked. "Why would you do that….?"

"Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev…. to be a kind of man." Spike walked toward the 6-foot-tall crucifix altarpiece at the front of the chapel. "She shall look on him with forgiveness, and everybody will forgive and love. He will be loved." He was standing only a foot away from the crucifix, staring at it. "So everything's ok, right?" Spike embraced the crucifix, resting one arm over each side of the cross bar, and resting his head in the corner of the vertex. His body was sizzling and smoke rose from where it touched the cross. "Can…. can we rest now? Buffy…. can we rest?"