A/N: Super duper special awesome thanks to Balabalabagan because this chapter was mostly his idea (he asked for more Pantheon, and then he gave me a plot and a bunch of jokes and for several sections of this I felt like I was just transcribing our conversation)

Also, thank you to my beta readers for this chapter - Shadow Blazer, Balabalabagan, and Joe.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mean Girls jokes. Or the lyrics to those songs.

Disclaimer2: Leona is not meant to be a well-rounded or complete representation of feminism. She expresses views that are similar to *some* views that *some* feminists hold (and the views Leona has here happen to also be convenient for what little plot I have and a few jokes). The issue her character is interacting with in this chapter is very complex in real life and I do not mean to imply that Leona is somehow representative of all feminist thought on the topic.

Monday – Morning – Sinful Succulence

"I'll be back from Zaun on Friday," said a somewhat flustered Morgana as she picked up her duffel bag from the tiled floor behind the counter of her bakery. "Take care of the store while I'm gone."

Pantheon, wearing his apron and baker's hat, puffed up and posed. "Have no fear, Mantheon is here," he said. He was going to be the best steward of Sinful Succulence ever. While Morgana was gone, he was going to bake everything perfectly and make money and sweep the floor and take out the trash and absolutely under no circumstances would he let the place burn down.

Morgana looked around, making sure everything was in working order before she departed. "And I promise after I get done training the new bakers at the Zaun location, I'll teach you how to make a chocolate soufflé." She paused and took one of Pantheon's hands in her own. "I am so thankful you're doing this for me – I don't know what I'd do without you."

Pantheon wanted to say something, but he couldn't figure out what, so he just stood there blushing.

"Bye!" called Morgana as she headed for the door.

Monday – Afternoon – Sinful Succulence

Standing in the street, staring blankly at the smoking, blasted, ruins of Morgana's bakery, Pantheon took stock of his day.

He'd baked. He'd made money. He'd swept and taken out the trash.

Everything had been going perfectly.

And then the Mega Inferno Bomb had landed on the store.

And then Leona tried to put out the fire with the power of the sun.

Distantly, he could hear Tristana, the yordle fire chief, saying something about freak accidents, wind currents over Summoner's Rift, and acts of god.

Pantheon's lower lip wobbled and a single, very manly tear rolled down his cheek beneath his helmet.

"I'm sorry, Pantheon," Leona said, standing next to him. She clasped a hand on his shoulder. "I did my best."

Standing next to Leona, Diana made a grumpy harrumphing noise. "A man, a woman, and a yordle walk into the-

"Diana, that joke will never be funny no matter how many times you try to tell it," Leona said.

Diana glared. "I was merely trying to… lighten the mood. Hah. Get it? Lighten!"

Leona facepalmed.

"What am I going to do?" Pantheon asked no one in particular. "What am I going to doooo?"

"You should contact Morgana immediately and clearly and truthfully explain what happened," said Leona. "You should also beg forgiveness. That is the right thing to do."

"You should raise money and rebuild everything before Morgana gets back so she never knows and won't dump you," said Diana. "Hiding the evidence always works for me."

Leona stared at Diana.

Diana shrugged. "What?"

Pantheon nodded. "An excellent idea, Diana. I must embark upon a quest to acquire funds! But how shall I proceed?"

"Go work as a male stripper," said Diana.

"OR," cut in Leona, "You could seek gainful and respectable employment and work hard to advance up the corporate ladder – employment that does not involve the demeaning sexual objectification and commodification of your body."

"No, just go strip," said Diana. "You make more money. Trust me, I know."

"Don't listen to her," said Leona. "I'm your childhood friend, listen to me. Ignore her."

"Yes, yes," said Pantheon. "Gainful employment. Yes!" He tensed his legs and jumped off into the sky.

Leona rounded on Diana. "Diana, we're talking about this later."

"You have no proof," said Diana. "I hid the evidence."

Tuesday – Morning – The Mall

"Welcome to Mundo's Shoe Shop," said Pantheon. "How may I help you?"

Cassiopeia slithered up to the desk. "I need shoes," she said.

Pantheon looked at her and cocked his head to the side.

Cassiopeia drew herself up defensively, poised to strike. "I might have feet someday," she said.

Pantheon crossed his arms and leaned forward into Cassiopeia's face until his helmet was mere centimeters from her nose. "What is your shoe size?"

Cassiopeia crossed her arms and leaned forward right back. "Don't sass me, you work in retail and I am the customer. The customer is always right."

"That does not tell me your shoe size," replied Pantheon, not backing down an inch. "How," he began, "Do you expect me to sell you shoes without knowing your shoe size?"

Cassiopeia finally coiled back into herself a little. "Ten," she said. "Size ten."

Satisfied, Pantheon nodded. "I have just the thing." He reached down under the counter and pulled out a pair of snakeskin slippers. "Size ten," he said.

Cassiopeia picked them up gingerly and looked at the tag. "These are size eight," she said. "Can't you read?"

Pantheon snatched the shoes back, grabbed a marker, and scribbled on the tag. He handed them back. "Size ten," he said.

"They're still size eight," Cassiopeia complained.

Pantheon reached under the counter and pulled out his spear, which he pointed at Cassiopeia. "Size ten," he said.

Cassiopeia gulped. "Fine," she said. "Size ten. I'll take them."

And so it was that Pantheon sold his first pair of shoes.

As Cassiopeia was slithering off with her prize clutched tightly, the door to the back storeroom of the shop opened.

"You good at shlurp selling shoeses," said Mundo. The mad scientist clumped over and grabbed Pantheon's hand and started shaking it. "Mundo give Mundo's Shoes Shop to schclip you! You CEO!" The big purple mountain reached under the counter and pulled out a massive ledger. "Here are slurpppp the bookz for the shop."

Pantheon knelt and received the great ledger with all due reverence. And then he stood and opened it and looked at the numbers and – "Why are you broke?"

"Mundo spend all of Mundo cash on silver for Vayne," Mundo said as he headed for the door. "Mundo say bye now!"

Almost as soon as the door had closed behind Mundo, Gangplank and Thresh walked in.

Pantheon closed the ledger. "Welcome to… Pantheon's Shoe Shop, how may I help you?"

Gangplank held up a shiny plastic badge. "We're here with the League of Legends Internal Revenue Service."

Pantheon crossed his arms. "But you are a pirate, not a tax collector."

Gangplank chuckled. "Don't ya know, all pirates work for the I Arrrrrrrrrrgh S."

Pantheon flinched and pulled in on himself. He twitched a little. It was… so… bad… Diana level bad. Pantheon shuddered.

Thresh, who had taken advantage of Pantheon's moment of weakness and snuck up on the paragon of manliness, dropped a chain around him. The warden cackled as Gangplank headed for the store register. "In this world," began Thresh in his echoing, ghostly voice, "Nothing can be said to be certain… except death and taxes."

Gangplank shoved a fistful of cash into a sack. "Sales taxes," he said. He grabbed another fistful from the register. "Income taxes," he continued. "Luxury taxes. Property taxes."

"Estate taxes," added Thresh.

"You get the idea," said Gangplank. He picked up the register and shook it out over his sack. A few pitiful pennies fell out. He set the register back down. "Don't forget to report all your sales," he said, "So we know when to come back."

Pantheon stood.

He was being robbed! This was unacceptable!

His arms may have been chained to his sides, but his legs were still free. Pantheon tensed and – WHOOSH he was off, leaping into the sky and coming right back down… back down… any minute now…

Whistling merrily, Gangplank and Thresh skipped away.

BOOM!

Pantheon smashed into the shop, sending shoes flying everywhere, shattering the walls, bringing the whole place down.

"ARGH!" Gangplank shouted. "He got me leg!"

Hovering just outside the blast radius, Thresh prepared to throw his lantern.

Gangplank pulled an orange out of his fanny pack and popped it into his mouth, rind and all. "It's kay!" he called out. Suddenly the pirate bent down and picked something up. "A penny," he said. "Good thing we didn't miss it." And then he strolled away.

Still chained up, Pantheon attempted to hop after them.

And then he tripped.

Tuesday – Afternoon – Pantheon's Shoes Shop

"Pantheon?" Leona called out, surveying the rubble. She'd come to check up on her childhood friend. Behind her was Diana, who had invited herself along.

"I'm down here," said Pantheon.

Leona walked through the ruins over to Pantheon, who was still chained up. "What happened?" she asked as she knelt to release him.

"The IRS," said Pantheon glumly.

"You know what you don't have to pay taxes on?" Diana said. She didn't wait for anyone to ask what. "Tips you earn while stripping."

Leona pinched the bridge of her nose. "Don't listen to her," she said.

"But Leona," said Pantheon, "I can't stay in retail. And I am very, very attractive." He brushed a little bit of concrete dust off of one of his massive biceps. "Do I have any other options?"

Leona made a thoughtful humming noise.

"Strip," said Diana. "How many times do I have to tell you?"

"There's an arm wrestling competition tomorrow with a fairly large prize pool," Leona suggested, totally ignoring her girlfriend. "I think that's really more your thing than retail. Or stripping."

Pantheon stood up and cracked his knuckles. "Yes, I shall earn money through exploits of strength!"

Diana rolled her eyes.

Wednesday – Morning – Multipurpose Room A

"Welcome, welcome, welcome Ladies and Gents and Void Creatures and Robots and Crazy Magic People!" Jinx said into the microphone. "Please stand for the League anthem."

"The League of Legends has an anthem?" Diana asked.

"No," said Leona.

All the lights in the room went out, except for a single spotlight that fixed on Vi, who had been standing next to Jinx.

"Why am I doing this?" Vi groaned.

Standing behind her, Caitlyn shrugged. "Because you lost that bet last night. Who would have known Jinx could singlehandedly drink you and Jayce and me under the table, one after another."

Vi grit her teeth. "Blah," she said. "Blah. Blablah."

"I can't hear yoouuuu," Jinx sang.

Vi glared. "Wanna join me," she said. "Come and play. But. I might. Shoot you. In your face."

"Gosh, you have fat hands and you're tone deaf!" Jinx complained.

"Bombs and bullets," said Vi. "Will do the trick. What we need here. Is a little bit of panic."

The spotlight shifted to Jayce, who also stood on the small stage. He smoothed his perfect hair and grinned at the crowd before lifting the microphone up to his lips. "Do you ever wanna catch me?" he crooned. He winked at a random woman in the audience. "Right now I'm feeling ignored! So can you try a little harder? I'm really getting bored!"

Together, Vi and Jayce made their respective ways through the chorus – Vi with gritted teeth and Jayce oozing as much melodramatic honey as he possibly could. "Come on, shoot faster, just a little bit of energy! I wanna try something fun right now, I guess some people call it anarchy!"

Vi glared at Caitlyn. "Why aren't you singing too?"

Caitlyn pulled a mic out from under her hat and stepped forward. "Let's blow this city to ashes, and see what Pow-Pow thinks. It's such pathetic neatness – but not for long 'case it'll get jinxed!"

"This isn't such a bad anthem," Diana said as the Piltoverians continued on stage. "Of course, it could be improved with references to the power of the moon. Maybe something like… 'No mercy for the guilty. Bring down their lying suuuuun. Blood so silver-

"Diana, please," Leona said. "That's not even the same tune."

The lights came back on in the room. Up on the stage, the performance had finally stopped. "And now, without further adoodling," said Jinx, "Let the arm wrestling begin!"

Leona pulled out a small paper schedule from her pocket. "Well Pantheon, it looks like you're up against Nunu first," she said.

Pantheon scoffed. "Nunu? The Freljord child? Hardly a challenge. He will be privileged to know defeat beneath my crushing grip!"

"Well, he's waiting for you at table seven," said Leona.

Pantheon marched off to meet his opponent.

Diana took the schedule from Leona and started reading matches from the first round aloud. "Sejuani and Tryndamere… Darius and Riven… Draven and Lulu… Amumu and Rammus… Pantheon and… wait, Leona – this says Nunu/Willump."

Leona took the piece of paper back. "Ah. So it does."

Across the room, Pantheon looked across the table. And then he looked up. Perched atop Willump's shoulders, Nunu waved. The yeti set its elbow on the table and held out its hand.

Pantheon stared at the Willump's hand.

Willump's hand was about the same size as Pantheon's entire forearm.

Pantheon gulped and extended his own hand.

Wednesday – Afternoon – Multipurpose Room A

"They've been at it for three hours now," Leona remarked.

"This display brought to you by: testosterone poisoning," said Diana.

Pantheon, holding an ice bag (helpfully provided by Nunu) to his extremely sore arm, nodded solemnly. "They are truly great warriors."

Seated in the finals match, muscles bulging, bodies shaking, Riven and Tryndamere glared at each other from across the table.

"Give up," Tryndamere grunted. "My right arm is stronger than my left arm."

"Mine too," growled Riven.

"Who do you think will win?" Diana asked.

"Tryndamere," said Pantheon. "Because he is a ma-

"Think very carefully about what you're about to say," said Leona.

Pantheon choked back the rest of his sentence.

"Riven will win," said Diana. "Because she's a woman and women are superior in- OW!" The Scorn of the Moon rubbed the back of her head where Leona had smacked her. "What was that for?"

"Why do I tolerate you two?" Leona asked no one in particular.

Wednesday – Evening – Multipurpose Room A

"Really?" Diana asked. She stared at Riven and Tryndamere. "Six hours and they're still dead even?"

Suddenly, the doors to the room banged open. Lux and Ashe walked in and walked up to the table where Riven and Tryndamere were.

"Katarina and I have been waiting on you an hour for dinner," Ashe said to her husband. "At the rate she's carving up the kitchen table, we're going to have to eat on the floor."

"Riven," Lux began. "I made dinner. And then it got cold. I heated it up again. And then it got cold again."

"Honey," Riven grunted. "I'll come as soon as I win."

"What she said," said Tryndamere.

"No," said Lux. "You will come right this instant."

"Honey," said Riven. "You don't understand. I have to win."

Ashe sighed and looked around. Who was in charge? Her eyes fell on Jinx. Of course. "Jinx," she said. "They've obviously tied. Tell them that they both officially won."

Jinx shoved a handful of popcorn into her mouth. Her eyes were fixed on the arm wrestling. "But this is so riveting," she said, totally entranced.

Ashe frowned and flicked her cape.

Jinx sighed. She didn't want to call it a tie, but, clearly, they had tied. "Okay," she said. "You both win. You can go home now."

Neither Riven nor Tryndamere moved.

"Riven," said Lux, somewhat dangerously now. "I'm going to give you to the count of five. One… Two… Three...

"Honey," said Riven. "I can't."

"By Demacia, Riven!" Lux exclaimed. "It's over! You both won! Stop being stubborn."

"No," said Riven. "You don't understand. I'm trying, but I can't. I think I'm stuck."

Thursday – Morning – Pantheon's Quarters

"Well, that didn't go as planned," Pantheon announced.

"For the last time," said Diana, seated at his kitchen table. "Strip."

Pantheon nodded. "I have no other choice. I must do what must be done."

"You always have choices," Leona said. "Better choices. Like… Like… You could work at a fast food chain!"

"None of your ideas have worked out so far," said Diana as Pantheon headed for his door.

"He never even tried my first one though," said Leona. "I'm sure a lot of trouble could have been saved if he'd just spoken with Morgana immediately."

Pantheon's door shut behind him.

"Too late now," said Diana, rather smugly.

Thursday – Afternoon – Lux and Riven's Apartment

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Can you get that?" Lux called. She was very comfortable, curled up on the couch with a book, and she really didn't have the energy to deal with Garen right then.

"Sure," said Riven, putting down her sword and sword cleaning kit (it was really remarkable how hard it was to get voidling blood out of things). She crossed over to the door and opened it. "Uh, hello Pantheon… Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

Pantheon flexed his manly pecs. "Because you are a poof. I always take off my shirt to speak with poofs."

"Right," said Riven. "So do you need something?"

"Yes," said Pantheon. "I need to borrow your battle bunny outfit."

Riven turned a very interesting shade of bright crimson. "How-how do you know about that!?" she whispered as she glanced around, looking up and down the corridor for eavesdroppers.

"Because you are a poof," said Pantheon with a nod.

At this point, the tips of Riven's ears were the exact same panicked red color as the rest of her face. "I can't just lend that thing out," she said. "It's Lux's favorite… What are you going to do with it anyway?"

"Strip," said Pantheon. Surely you will help a fellow warrior in his hour of need?"

"Riven, what does he want?" Lux called out from the couch.

"Uh – nothing! Nothing, honey," said Riven.

"I would like to borrow Riven's battle bunny outfit so that I may strip in it and earn tax free income!" Pantheon shouted.

Lux perked up from the couch. "Of course!" She set her book down, got up, and headed for the dresser in their bedroom. "Riven, we're going to the strip club tonight! We have to see this!"

"But.. Lux, I thought you were gay…" Riven started.

"But it's Pantheon!" Lux shouted.

Riven sighed and tried not to feel insecure.

Thursday – Night – Outside the League of Legends Gentlemen's Club (Ladies' Night)

"THIS IS GROSS SEXUAL OBJECTIFICATION! DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY HAVE DONE UNTO YOU IS BAD POLICY!" Leona shouted into her megaphone.

Next to her stood Diana, looking rather grumpy. Not that she ever looked anything other than grumpy. "And people say I'm a party pooper," she muttered.

Leona turned towards the two approaching figures. "RIVEN! THIS DEGRADING BEHAVIOUR RUNS COUNTER TO NOXIAN IDEALS OF STRENGTH! AND LUX, SURELY THIS IS UN-DEMACIAN BEHAVIOUR OF YOU!"

Lux shrugged. "But J4 comes here all the time," she said. "So it can't be un-Demacian. I'm sure even Garen would agree with that logic."

Hesitant, Riven started, "But you know, Lux, I think-

"Come on," Lux said, pulling on her wife's arm. "I don't want to miss it!"

Leona watched the couple enter the club. "I don't understand Diana," she said. "Why don't more people understand?"

"Diana?"

Leona looked around. Diana was gone. The doors to the club swung shut.

Thursday – Night – Inside the Club

Sipping a gin and tonic, Jarvan IV, Crown Prince of Demacia, looked around the nightclub. Was it just him or were there an unusual number of people tonight? Like, a lot more. The place was packed, wall to wall. It was like the entire League was present – men, women, straight, gay, and what have you. Sona. Shyvanna. Vayne. Taric. Ezreal. Graves and Twisted Fate. Lucian. Mordekaiser. Veigar. Even Lee Sin was there. What could possibly have-

The crowd started to chant. "Pantheon! Pantheon! Pantheon!"

Ohhhhh.

Miss Fortune came up to stand beside Jarvan. She'd clearly been drinking a lot. A lot a lot. The very air around her reeked of grog. "It's definitely going to rain tonight." She leaned over towards him. "I can feel it in my boobs."

Suddenly the noise level increased by several decibels. Pantheon had come out on stage, all oiled up and wearing his helmet and Riven's battle bunny outfit, complete with high heels. He held up a carrot and took a bite.

The crowd went wild.

Taric fainted.

Thursday – Night – Outside the Club

"Not you too!" Leona exclaimed.

Kayle, floating about a foot and a half off the pavement and holding a bag of groceries, tilted her head to the side. "Leona, what's wrong? Why are you holding a megaphone?"

Leona waved her megaphone to indicate the club. "This is a den of exploitation and inequity! Strip clubs are built around the objectification of women for the sole purpose of men's pleasure."

"But Leona, strip clubs are places where women can be empowered by taking advantage of drunk men who were trying to take advantage of the women," said Kayle.

Leona huffed. "Six days a week they sell the bodies of women, and on the seventh, they do it to men. How can that be just?"

"Oh," said Kayle. "Well, when you put it like that…" And then she pulled out her flaming sword of justice.

"Uhm, Kayle-

Thursday – Night – Inside the Club

Riven tugged at the collar of her shirt. She was squeezed in between Lux on one side and Malphite of all people on the other, right up in front of the stage that Pantheon was prancing on in his helmet and a thong. To say Riven was 'uncomfortable' was the understatement of the century.

In a desperate attempt to get her wife to stop oogling the man candy with quite so much gusto, Riven said, "Is it just me, or is it really hot in here?"

"He's on fire!" Lux shouted.

"The building is on fire," said Malphite.

Riven looked around and saw flames running up and down the walls and smoke billowing out from all directions. It seemed that yes indeed the building was on fire.

Thursday – Night – Outside the Club

Kayle held her burning sword of righteous fury in one hand and her groceries in the other. She nodded to herself with satisfaction as the patrons of the club came running out. "A job well done," she announced before flying away.

Which left Leona there to watch the strip club burn.

"What did you do?" Diana demanded, stomping over to her significant other. "It had just gotten to the best part!"

"It wasn't me," said Leona.

"Oh," said Diana. "Really."

Leona bristled. "What do you want me to do? We've already established I can't put out fires with the power of the sun."

"It's just like I always tell everyone, the sun can only blind and burn," Diana muttered.

"Janna! Janna!" someone from the crowd of displaced patrons shouted. "Make it rain!"

The Storm's Fury waved a hand and a cloud formed over the burning club before dumping a torrent down on it.

A still extremely drunk Miss Fortune giggled and leaned on Jarvan. "See?" she said. "I told you it was going to rain. It's like I have ESPN."

Some distance away, Pantheon sat on the concrete curb. In his hands he held a few crumpled bills – all he'd managed to save of his earnings when the building burned down. All that cash. Up in flames.

And it was Thursday night.

He let out a great sigh.

It seemed he would just have to tell Morgana about the bakery.

Friday – Morning – The Ruins of Sinful Succulence

Pantheon paced back and forth in front of the wreck of Morgana's bakery.

What was he going to do.

What was he going to say.

Oh gods.

Out loud, he started to rehearse. "Morgana, I am very sorry. I did my best. I did everything perfectly. It was Ziggs' fault!"

No, that wasn't right. It was his fault. He had been in charge, been responsible!

"Morgana," he tried again. "I made a mistake. I let Leona try to put out the fire. Now I know Diana is right."

But no, that wasn't right either.

"Morgana," he said. "I made every attempt to right this wrong before your return. I worked selling shoes. I tried to arm wrestle for money. I even stripped. I-

"I missed you stripping?" Morgana said. "Shit!"

"Morgana!" Pantheon dropped to his knees. "Morgana, I am so sorry. I will do everything in my power to raise funds to-

"Pantheon, it's fine," Morgana said. "I have insurance."

"What is this 'insurance'?" Pantheon asked.

"It's how Piltover has survived Vi for this long," said Morgana.

"I don't get it," Pantheon said. "It's some kind of powerful shield created by divine intervention?"

Morgana shook her head. "Insurance is… insurance is money that you get when someone else destroys your property."

"Oh," said Pantheon. He nodded. "I see. So Vi is actually doing a public service by leveling the city on a weekly basis. I must congratulate her when next we meet. Perhaps I too should destroy insured property."

"No, because that's insurance fraud…" Morgana said. She looked like she was about to explain insurance fraud, but then she changed her mind. "Pantheon, I've had a long week. Why don't we just go back to my apartment and I'll teach you how to make that chocolate soufflé."

Excited, Pantheon reached down and pulled his badly singed apron out of the rubble of the bakery. He stood up and put the garment on, tying it neatly behind his back. He punched the air - "ONWARD!"

Epilogue

Riven hummed happily as she poured herself a bowl of cereal for breakfast. The strip club had burned down. Along with her battle bunny ensemble. Life couldn't be more perfect.

"Riven, did you see this?" Lux asked, pointing at the newspaper.

"Huh?"

"Pantheon's show was so popular they did a whole group of articles on it. One of them is about you."

Riven felt a giant void open in the pit of her stomach. Hesitant, she asked, "Really?"

"Yes," said Lux. "People were really curious where he got the outfit from."

Riven let her forehead slam into the kitchen table.

BZZZZZ. BZZZZZ. BZZZZZZ.

"Your phone's ringing," Lux said.

Riven pulled out her cellphone and turned it on. "I have a text… It's from the League high council… Riven, report to the media center immediately for press conference. Clothes will be provided… replacement for… lost… battle bunny suit."

Riven swore.

A/N: SO. This week marks the 6 month anniversary of this fic. Wow time flies. Thank you to everyone who has been staying with me! Maybe one of these days I will get an actual cover pic for this story (because right now it's just defaulting to my account pic and it's defaulting in such a way that I can't even get it to go to the basic no pic image)

Also, tumblr is awesome. I don't know how I went so long without tumblr in my life. In particular, there's this one blog called leagueoffics that is full of extremely well written fanfic. *nods* Another awesome thing on tumblr? Third wheel Riven. [/end the part of the author's note no one actually cares about]