Resolution
We'd eaten, had sex, talked.
In that order.
Right at that moment, I couldn't have wished to be with anyone other than Steph. The difference being with her, and just her completely out of work mode and away from the baby, it was so amazing. Especially after the time I'd spent with Shawn these last few days, this was heaven. Of course, nothing these days can last for long enough.
Steph's phone starts to ring and she picks it up and answers. I see Vince's name on display and wait for more bad news. That's all we seem to be getting just now.
The conversation between them is quick and to the point and Steph ends the call.
"Dad wants us back at Shawn's room." Her face is a picture of concern. The question of what Vince said dies before I go to speak it. I'm too scared to ask questions and now I'm too close to finding out for myself in a matter of minutes.
It doesn't take us long to get there. Vince is standing outside the room, looking a little freaked out, more so than I've ever seen him. The doors opened because I can just see Rebecca standing there too. Vince spies us coming and as we get near, he moves Rebecca away from the door and pushes me in.
"Just stay there." Vince says closing the door and once again leaving me and Shawn alone. In the seconds that I had before, I could see how upset Rebecca was and I guess that's why he wanted me back. If she was upset, that was more than likely to unsettle Shawn and that didn't take a whole lot right now.
"Hey, miss me?" I ask as I move over to where Shawn's sitting on the bed, looking confused.
"Why'd Rebecca go?" He asks.
"I don't know, but I think she was upset." I said. I sit next to him, and he moves away from me a little. Too close. I decide to distract him. "Oh hey, Kev's gonna come down you know."
"What for?" Shawn asks, defensively.
"Found out we were here, thinks he's missing out." I lie.
"He's gonna know about me, isn't he." Shawn says, statement rather than query and I can see he doesn't seem happy about it.
"Well, he'll probably have heard something by now."
"He's gonna be mad at me."
"No, he'll be worried about you, he might just be a little mad."
Shawn got up and walked across the room. "Everyone hates me." He blurted out.
"No they don't." I say, but watching him, I can see this has fallen on deaf ears. He needs to get out of here, this room's enough to drive a sane man crazy, who knows what the hell it'll do to someone in Shawn's state. "Wanna go out somewhere?" I ask.
"Where?" He asks, and I feel relieved he hasn't just rejected the idea flat out.
"I don't care, anywhere you want. I just feel like getting out of here, don't you?"
He nods his head. "Will we come back here?"
"Don't have to."
Shawn comes over to me, his pace quick as he gets right up close to me, only inches between us. "I don't wanna be here."
"Okay. So where are we going?"
"Anywhere. Can we drive somewhere?"
"Sure, whatever you want."
*
The radio was playing quietly as I drove along the deserted roads. It was late now, we'd been driving around for hours and almost as soon as we'd started driving, Shawn fell asleep. I wasn't quite sure where to go or what to do, so I just drove around mindlessly.
My phone flashed up a message and I decided to pull over and see what it was.
As I stopped the car, but kept the engine running, I saw a message from Steph. 'Aurora says night Daddy xxx.' I wished I could be there with her, tucking her up in bed and kissing her soft blonde hair. Sighing to myself, I type back a message, telling Steph I miss them both and I'll be back soon as I can and I love them. I want to be in both places at once right now. I desperately want to be home with my baby and wife, but I know Shawn needs me right now. It's weird, he can't handle being with Rebecca right now and where else is he going to go? It's not really my problem, but I'm sort of lumbered with him.
Damn, now I feel pretty crappy- I don't want to think of it as like that. I just want things to get back to normal, seems like it'll take a lot to get us there.
"Where are we?" Comes a sleepy voice next to me.
I turn to him, put the phone down. "Not sure really. I've just been driving around." He doesn't attempt to move from the position he's in and his eyes are still more closed than open. I don't feel much better. "I thought maybe we could find a place to stay the night. You look as tired as I feel." Shawn shrugs and I take that to mean 'great idea.'
The drive doesn't take that much longer. Maybe another half an hour or so of driving. I find a nice looking hotel and am regretful it is because not matter if it were some run down dump, I don't think I could have gone much further. We go through to the lobby and the hotel has a shop. Shawn seems to be intent on staring at it, so I tell him to go get anything he wants while I get the rooms sorted and give him a couple of notes to cover what he might want. He wanders over to the shop, still seeming to be half asleep as I get us sorted. One room, two beds later and we're set to go. Shawn's still in the shop, bag in hand now but he's absently staring at the selection of magazines.
"You ready?" I ask him. He looks at me like I've disturbed him whilst he was in deep thought.
"What?" He asks.
"Did you want something else?" I ask.
"No." He says.
"C'mon then, lets get to the room." I say, as we started to walk over to the elevator. "So what did you get?" I ask.
"T shirt."
We don't talk on the way up to the room, and once we get there, I go and clean up quickly. When I come back to the room, Shawn already laid out on one of the beds, clothes still on but his at least kicked his shoes off. He's eyes are open a little but he's beat. I switch the light off as I get on the other bed. Before I know it, I'm drifting off.
*
Some thing's not right. My brains telling me that before I'm fully awake, before my eyes are even open. I force them open against the heaviness that seems to be crushing down. The rooms dark and I can't see anything. I reach out until I make contact with the bedside lamp. Switching it on, I immediately glance to Shawn's bed. His empty bed.
Before any panic can hit me, I hear a coughing coming from the bathroom. He must have just got up to go to the bathroom, I tell myself, fighting back the fear a little.
"Shawn you okay in there?" I call out. There's no answer. I get out of bed and make my way towards the bathroom. I notice the bag from the shop on the floor, t-shirt fallen half out of it. I pick up the t-shirt and push it back in and notice a small slip of paper. The receipt. Curiosity gets the better of me, and I pick it up and look at it. T-shirt is on there, but as I see the other items on it, my blood runs cold. I drop it, racing over to the bathroom door, turning the handle. I'm almost surprised that it's locked.
"Shawn let me in." I call through, frantic. There's no answer from him. The doors not that tough, think I can make it through with one mighty blast. Steeling myself, I move backwards slightly before I crash all my weight into the door. It opens easily and leaves me confronted with my best friend on the hotel's bathroom floor, half a bottle of vodka beside him, packets of opened painkillers next to him.
**
The ambulance was on it's way, 5 minutes they said.
Shawn was conscious, and I knew it. He called me every cuss word he knew, he might even have made some up. I didn't care. I'd taken the bottle and pills from him, poured the alcohol down the sink, thrown the pills down the toilet and flushed and let him lay into me as he told me how he wished I'd just fuck off. I was numb to it at first, too shocked by what I'd witnessed, but the numbness was fading and I was starting to feel angrier by the second. I guess it's why I snapped so easily after him telling me continuously to go to hell, I just yelled back for him to shut up. It worked for a moment or two, until things just got worse.
"Don't ever tell me to shut up."
"Someone needs to start telling you what to do. Look at the state of you." I'm down at his level, but get up. "I can't even stand the sight of you right now." I take a couple of steps away from him, before stepping back again. "I'd walk away from you right now but God knows you'd probably just fail at another fucking suicide attempt."
It's weird, because although we've been through all this crap before, there's something completely different this time. Maybe I crossed a line, maybe what I said was too close to the bone for him, but in those few seconds it took his drink and drug addled brain to process them and understand what I'd said, his whole expression changed. The scowl started to soften and fade, and then just as suddenly he starts to cry. Good job, I think to myself. Tell the suicidal guy he can't even get that right! I start regretting what I've said as Shawn clambers to his feet.
"You wish I was dead, don't you?" He accuses me angrily.
"No, of course I don't."
"Fuck you." He fires back. "Why don't you just clear out and let me finish the job." I move towards him to try and calm him down. "Stay away from me." He yells.
"Shawn, just calm down now, okay." I say, my hand resting on his shoulder. I
didn't even see the fist coming as it connected with my face, but it was sure enough followed by several other blows. I backed up, trying to defend myself as I do. Shawn's screaming now, telling me to never touch him. The blows stopped coming and it's then that I realise we have company. I turn to see two paramedics looking rather alarmed at me.
"We got a call..."
*
For some reason, I thought things would calm down with the arrival of the paramedics. I don't know why I think that would work some kinda miracle, because it certainly didn't.
It took a while for one of them get up enough trust in him to just calm him down and get him to come and sit down on one of the beds. They assessed him as much as they could, but they knew that they needed to get him out of here as quickly as they could, but he wasn't in a good mental state, and Shawn's not a small guy so if he freaked out, he could really hurt them.
It's not long before the drink and pills start getting to him and he starts to lose focus. He becomes a lot more placid and the paramedics can start helping him. They have a stretcher outside which one of them wheels through. In mere minutes, they've got him laying down on that, strapped in and heading back out to the awaiting ambulance.
They quickly load him in and both clamber in, one in the back with Shawn, the other driving. The guy in the back, is doing a few checks on Shawn as I watch on.
"Is he doing okay?" I ask eventually.
"We need to get all this junk out of his system before it starts doing any real damage."
"How long til we get to the hospital?"
"Couple of minutes." Pointing the bandaged wrists, he continues "I take it this isn't the first attempt?" I shake my head, acknowledging what he suspects. "They don't tend to try too many times before they get it right."
"He'll be okay this time then?" I ask, trying to fight back the fear that took hold of me when he said that eventually he'd get it right.
"Barring further complications, he should be fine." Shawn is the further complication in this case. Taking a pair of scissor, he cuts away at the bandage around Shawn's wrist. He checks the stitches. He traces some of the other cuts on Shawn's arm, the fresher ones. He shakes his head a little, lets out a sigh. He gently lifts Shawn's shirt a little.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Making sure he's not hiding any other little treats out of view."
"He was kinda blatant about those, don't you think?" I respond harshly.
"I know what I'm doing." I guess I should feel reassured by that, but I don't.
My phone starts ringing. "Shit, sorry. I'll switch it off."
"You can talk, it's fine."
I've answered it before I even check who's calling. "Hello?"
"Paul, I'm just landing. Where are you guys?"
"Kev... er, can you call Vince and he'll tell you where they're staying."
"Where are you?"
"We took a little time out."
"There's something you're not telling me."
"I can't talk right now, man." Before I say anything else Shawn starts thrashing about on the stretcher. "I gotta go." I say discarding the phone in seconds as I move forward to be closer to my friend. "What's wrong?" I ask the paramedic.
He ignores me as he tries to settle Shawn down. I look at Shawn's face and fear is evident on his features. His eyes dart around, catching mine, but never recognising me, just blind panic. I almost don't see the tears running down his face as he struggles to escape. It's as the paramedic starts to calm him down that I realise he's almost chanting three words, over and over again, his voice quiet and almost a whisper.
"...don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me....."
And as I watch the paramedic back off and get me to sit back down as well, I hardly notice the tears welling up in my own eyes.
I sit there staring ahead at my friend, starting to put things together in my own mind now and none of the ideas I'm thinking are good thoughts. It takes a second for me to hear my name being called and for a second, I think it's Shawn. Then I remember how he never calls me Paul, I'm forever Hunter to him. So there's only one other person. I look next to me at the discarded phone. See that the call is still in progress. I ignore the trembling of my hand, if I don't acknowledge it, it's like it's not even shaking, and put the phone to my ear.
"Kev." I say softly, my voice sounding more pathetic and hollow than I'd ever want it to.
"I heard everything."
*
"His stomach's been pumped and we've given him a sedative to help calm him down and get some rest." I nod my head as I listen to the doctor rattle off what they've done with Shawn so far. "The nurse will re-dress the wrist wounds. I take it those were self inflicted?"
"I guess so."
"You don't know?"
"He told me he didn't do it. I guess that was a lie."
"Don't be so hard on him, he's obviously very troubled right now."
"Yeah." I say.
"I would recommend getting him to a psychiatric hospital. He needs help. Someone that can deal with this."
"Yeah, okay."
"Well, he should sleep for the next hour or so, but if you want to stay in there with him your welcome to."
"Okay. Thanks."
So there I was, left with the choice to stay in the same room with him again, or get a little distance in the time I had before he woke up. It was about then that I realised that despite all the shit from the last few days, I didn't want to be anywhere else. I had to see this through and not because of some weird sense of loyalty and that I had to do it, but because I wanted to. I wanted to make sure he was okay, I needed to see him start to heal, to make those first few steps of progress. I realised that we were miles from that right now but damn it if we weren't going to throw everything we had at it.
The only thing that still makes me nervous is the thought of Kevin and what he heard, what's going through his head.
My mind is going crazy thinking of what all this crap is about, but at least I'm here with Shawn, I know some stuff, I can go in there and see him. He's just left with his own imagination and hearing half a conversation in an ambulance. If things here weren't as bad as they were, I'd have called him back. But I wanted to be in the room with Shawn.
That's where I headed.
**
The gentle touch of someone shaking my arm gently wakes me from a slumber.
It takes a moment to remember where I am and what happened, but the peace I had for a few seconds quickly gets washed away when I realise where I am. I look to the person who woke me up and as surprised to see Kevin standing there.
"What are you doing here?" I ask him.
"I was hardly gonna wait for an invite with all this shit going on, Paul."
"Steph tell you where we were?"
"Yeah."
Kev turns to Shawn who's still unconscious. "What have they said about him?"
"They pumped his stomach, gave him a sedative and told me he needs a shrink."
"Like we needed a doctor to tell us that!" Kevin scoffed.
"Like he's gonna go." I add.
"I'll make damn sure he goes."
"You can't tell him what to do."
"You just watch me. Look, I know you two have become a lot closer these last couple of years, but when he gets stubborn he needs his ass kicked and you're too nice to do it, Paul."
"I don't think it'll be that simple."
"It won't be that simple, no. Listen, you go home or wherever, get some rest, see Steph, get a little distance from this. I'm gonna stay here with him for however long you need."
"I don't want to be away from him."
"You both need it. You need to see you baby and your wife. Do it."
"Okay, fine. But I'm not staying away long."
"A bit of space will do you good. And I'll call and text you with all the updates, okay? We need to start getting this 'problem' sorted."
I sigh, but I feel relieved. Finally, someone's here to sort this out. Finally I feel like we're going to make some progress.
**
I couldn't stay away longer than a day. Knew I wouldn't be able to.
I kissed my wife and baby as I left to come back to the hospital where my best friend lay in bed, healing and my other best friend sat over him, protecting. I felt safe with Kev being there.
I was keen and anxious to get back. I wanted to see Shawn for myself, see he was all right. I didn't tell Kev I was coming back, he'd probably try and talk me out of it if he knew. When I got to Shawn's room, I knocked and entered.
I was a little taken back when the scene before me looked almost exactly as when I'd left it. Sure it had only been a day, but I expected Shawn to at least be awake now. I looked to Kev, waiting for an answer. When nothing came from him, I spoke out. "He's not awake yet?"
Kev's eyes moved away from me to the prone body. "He woke up. They had to sedate him again."
"He was that bad?" I ask, voice feeling shaky.
He nodded, eyes fixed on Shawn. I notice he looks exhausted. Something happened here. I can tell he doesn't want to tell me what happened but I need to know. "Kev.... why'd they sedate him?"
He let out a long breath. "He woke up and was a little out of it. He kinda freaked when you weren't there and I was, but he calmed down quick enough once he realised that it was me there. I figured it'd be the best time to try and find out some info... maybe tough loves not what he needed."
When Kev stops, I have to prod for him to continue, although I can see he doesn't want to and I'm sure I don't wanna hear it. "What happened?"
"I screwed up. He couldn't take...." Kev stops, a slight wavering in his voice. He swallows, looks down. "He couldn't keep it together. I just.. I tried to push through, hoped that maybe I could get through to him. I just wanted to know...." Kev stood up moved across the room. "I wanted him to tell me, so I could help him. We've always talked, he's always told me everything."
Kev can't tell how worked up he's getting, his getting louder every word he says.
"But not this time. He wouldn't tell me. He wouldn't tell ME! So I-I pushed and pushed, I wasn't letting him get away with it. I was going to find out the truth. I'm not like you Paul, I won't just let him hide from the truth all the time. I'll make him tell me!" He stopped the rant as he paced around the room, his face displaying a look of fury.
"And what did he say?" I ask quietly.
Kev moved past me and grabbed the door handle, pulling it forcefully towards him. He looked out for a second or two at the empty corridor beyond the room before he looked back at me, looked dead into my eyes. I could see a mixture of emotion caught up in them. I could also see the tears he struggled to hold back. "He said he was raped."
With that, he left.
**
"Sir, I don't recommend his removal from this hospital."
I ignore the man's plea. He keeps talking at me, but I just let it go by.
"You realise how serious his mental state is, don't you?"
I snap back. "After watching him wheeled in to hospital twice after suicide bids, yeah I get it's serious."
"Then please, reconsider his removal from here."
"Look, as soon as he came round he wanted to get out of here. I've kept him here a couple of days, I can't do anything else before he'll leave himself. If I take him now, he'll at least be with me."
"And I take it you're planning on booking him into a psychiatric hospital?"
"I haven't got that far yet."
"Sir, you have to realise that you can not talk him out of this. He's not just a little bit down, he's suffering with severe depression."
"You keep telling me."
"He's trying to kill himself. He is going to succeed if you don't get him help."
The words stung me, but I knew I had to do this. "I'm taking care of it."
**
"No, he said about going home so I'm calling Rebecca as soon as I can and she'll send the kids to her parents or something." It was nice to hear Steph's voice, even if it was on the phone and not in person. Another damn hotel room but soon we'd all be back to normal I hoped.
"What about the house?" Steph enquired.
"She's done the best she can to make if safe for him, but there's only so much she can do. She thinks she'll be able to talk him into going to a psychiatric hospital, but she said if he doesn't... well, she might have to commit him."
"News doesn't get better, does it? So, is there any idea why he's gone so... you know."
"Kev said something, and I don't wanna believe it but...."
"Tell me." Steph urged me.
I look at Shawn in the room. He's still sleeping from the look of things. "I'll talk to you about it later, it just doesn't feel right just now."
"Just keep me updated okay."
"Sure."
**
It was all planned. I knew exactly how everything would pan out. Shawn and me would talk, I'd convince him to go back to Texas with me, he'd talk to Rebecca, see that he needed to get well for his family and do some therapy for a bit. And eventually, we'd all get back to normal.
If only this were some story or crappy film and not real life.
When Shawn woke, he seemed to take forever to rouse fully. I guess he's got a fair few drugs in his system still working, but once he finally got up and sat up in bed I realised he was about as good as he was going to get. I attempted conversation with him and I'd hardly get a response. Occasionally I'd get an almost grunt in response. It started to hit me, the longer I stayed with Shawn this day, the strong my realisation was getting. The doctor was right; I was in way over my head here. I started thinking back to when I first got Shawn from the hospital after his first attempt. He was angry and scared but dammit he was a million miles away from the shell that was sitting on the bed, barely speaking, barely living.
My own selfish need to help make Shawn better had made him worse. I should have left him with Rebecca. She'd have taken care of him better than me, damn it couldn't be any worse than I'd made it.
I sat in the same room as him, watched him as he sat staring at nothing. It was almost as if someone had removed all the life from him. I guess it was me. Keeping him with me rather than getting him help as soon as I could I'd pushed him further and further
He'd even shown me he was slipping when he showed me his arm at the church, and what did I do? Drag him back with me so he could try again.
Puling the phone from my pocket, I call Steph.
"What's up?" She asks.
"Get Vince to find me the best psychiatric hospital around here. I'm taking Shawn in."
"I'll do it right now."
I hang up, not even saying goodbye. I know the next bit's not going to be easy. I look at my contact list and scroll through. 'Rebecca' reads the display and I hit the call button, waiting for a conversation to start that I never thought I'd have to make.
**
Stephanie walked into the bedroom, towel drying her hair. She looked damn sexy to me. She smiled at me. She knew she looked sexy too.
Sitting next to me on the bed that I was laid on, she looked at me, her face shining with kindness, but eyes gripped with fear and worry. The smile dropped a little from her face as she prepared to tell me what was on her mind.
"Why are you here?"
Okay, so it wasn't quite the warm hug I'd hoped for from my wife, but I'd take whatever I could get.
"I live here." I replied, smiling to myself at the flippant answer that slipped from my mouth before I could stop it. "At least temporarily."
"You've been with Shawn this whole time. You came away for one night and couldn't bare being away from him... and now, you look like you're never moving off that bed. I don't get it."
"I realised that I can't help him."
"So that's it. I'll commit you and then go?" Stephanie asked.
"I don't know what to do."
"You're not supposed to cure him. You're just supposed to be there."
"Kev couldn't take it. You know, through all the stuff we've been through, it's always me and Kev sorting everyone else out. And he couldn't stay. And I don't want to either. I wanna be at home with you and the baby. Rebecca... she can cope, she's strong."
Steph reached for my hand and held on to me. "I don't need you to tell me what's happening. But someone needs to tell Rebecca. She needs to know what she's up against. One minute we're thinking Shawn's gonna be fine, the next he's a basket case trying to kill himself again."
"I can't tell her."
"You have to. Who's with Shawn right now?"
"No one." I say, guilt stabbing at my heart as I thought back to how I handed him over at the hospital and left without a word.
"We can go back. Me and you and wait for Rebecca to get there. And then talk to her. I'll be with you every step of the way if you want me there."
I lean over and kiss Steph, so grateful she's here to talk sense into me. "Thank you." I say, a quite whisper. "I'll do it. But I'll go alone."
"Okay. But you know where I am if you need me." I kiss her again, and then just hold her, enjoying the warmth and comfort from her while I can. Before I force myself to go back to another, cold clinical hospital.
**
"What the hell do you mean, he's not here?" I can hear my own voice raising higher that it should be, but I don't give a fuck. Here I am, here to support my best friend who I dropped off a few hoirs ago and he's not even here.
"Sir, if you'll just calm down...."
"He was here, I bought him here myself...."
"I understand that. The quicker you stop shouting, the quicker I can find out what's happened, so please, sit down and wait." The nurse is letting me know she won't take any crap from me. I back off and let her go and find out what's happening. For my liking she was gone far too long, but I guess it was only a few minutes.
"Okay, it seems that there's been an error with a booking here. It was believed that the man you bought in wasn't supposed to come here by the staff when I can see that he was booked in by someone earlier today. He was sent back to St Paul's Hospital, which has a psychiatric ward there. He was taken by an ambulance from here, so he's in no danger."
"You have no idea. The man's suicidal, he shouldn't be left on a ward."
"The doctor's there are very capable, they will know how to take care of him."
"His place here is still open?"
"Yes, of course."
"I'll be bringing him back here as soon as I can."
*
The floor in the bathroom was cold.
It didn't matter though because apparently it was where Shawn wanted to sit and so that's where we sat. I sat close to him, but not too close. That's how Shawn liked things to be, from what I could tell. I watched him tense up when I'd opened the door, him not knowing who was coming in with him, and I saw a little of it ease when he saw me, but not completely.
Before I moved another inch, I laid it on the line for him. "You scared the shit out of me."
He looks at me then looks away. He looks like he wants to say something but holds back.
Inwardly, I'm willing him to find the words, to speak to me. "I'm sorry." I get.
Even that feels like an achievement. "It's okay." I went and say next to him. Where we were now, me waiting for him to open up.
Shawn looks at me, something unreadable in his eyes. I can see the reluctance he feels to confide in me, to trust me fully like he used to, but he does still want to, that much is clear. He's trying. So I owe it to him to sit here and listen and wait for as long as I have to.
"You left me." He blurts out suddenly.
"What?" I ask.
"At the hospital, you took me there and you left."
Guilt stabbed at my heart at his words. "I just needed to go back for a bit."
"I needed you though."
"I'm so sorry." I say, now feeling like scum of the earth. "I'm here now. And I won't go anywhere. I promise."
There's a long stretch of silence. I glance at Shawn discreetly and he looks torn. Slowly, after what seems like a lifetime, he speaks.
"Something bad happened, Hunt. And I don't know how to deal with it." He half smiled at that. "Like that wasn't obvious enough." He takes a breath and falters, looking down at the ground.
"You don't have to...." I start, but he holds up his hand to stop me.
"Can I tell you?" He looked at me, eyes doubtful, but it wasn't a question to me, more a fear he spoke aloud. "Kev he didn't take it well....."
"You can tell me anything. I'm not leaving you whatever you decide." I say reassuringly.
"But you already know, don't you?" Shawn said. He smiled. "Of course you know. He told you, didn't he?"
"Yeah, he did. He was scared, Shawn. He was scared because of what happened and he didn't know how to help you."
"And you do?" Shawn asked.
"Not got a clue, bud. That's why we're here right? I mean, sat on the floor in the men's room at a hospital isn't that average, is it?"
"Hunter, how do I get through this?" Shawn asked.
"I don't know." I say honestly. "Maybe we go back to that other hospital and get you checked in for a little while. And you start dealing with this whole thing in a better way, huh?"
Shawn nods. "I want to. I wanna be normal again. I hate this feeling, but it won't go."
"They can help. It's there job to make it go away."
Shawn looked around the room as if checking no one else was listening. "I don't like it when I'm alone." He almost whispers to me.
"Why not?" I ask.
"I don't know. It's like things get worse then. I don't know... I can't explain but I don't have control all the time. And it's worse if there's no one to.... reign me in. You were always good at that."
I smile. Damn I hadn't been that good recently. "I'll be around whenever you need me."
"I wanted to......." Shawn looks to me as though asking for help "... you know, when I came in here. I was gonna smash the glass, but there's no glass in here." something I'm thankful for. "I just realised what a mess I was. Always looking for a way out... and I don't want it. Not really. I just want my life back how it was."
I smile weakly at him. "It might not ever be the same as it was. But I'll help you get it as damn close as possible."
**
The door to the office opened and Shawn came out.
I saw a small card in Shawn's hand, the usual next appointment card. "How'd it go?" I asked.
He shrugged, not committing to an answer. He walked towards the car silently as I prepared to take him back to his house. It was part of a deal I made with him now he was back home, that I'd come down to the psychiatric appointments he had to go to.
When I started driving him on his way home, he finally spoke to me.
"Can we stop and get some food?"
"Sure? Where'd you wanna go?" I ask. It was something that I had learnt as well. Always let him make decisions and that way he's never forced into a situation he doesn't feel comfortable with.
"Drive through. I don't wanna get out the car." Shawn said.
The first one we came to was a McDonald's and as Shawn had no problem with eating from there, I ordered us before a couple of meals. We ate our food, again in silence. I left the radio on so that there wasn't any silence. I was a lot quicker at eating than Shawn was, he seemed to be contemplating whilst he ate, so I made sure I slowed myself down so that he didn't feel awkward if I was just sat waiting for him. Once we finished eating we sat there for a little while longer.
He reached across and turned the radio off and looked at me.
"I'm not supposed to hide behind things when I talk about... stuff." Shawn said. "He wanted me to make eye contact and not have any distractions."
I smiled a little. Every week after a session, Shawn would always put in to practice what he was told to do. He'd made some good progress.
"What else did he say?"
"Said he was pleased with my progress." I smile as his words echo my thoughts. "Said I should try and get back some normality."
"Well you've done a lot already." I say, praising his progress still. "But I guess more normal things is good, right?"
"Yeah." Shawn says. He doesn't seem to sure.
"So what does he want you to do?"
"Go back to work." Shawn admits.
I understand the hesitation in him, but it was bound to come about sooner or later. "And what did you say?"
"I said I didn't know how that'd work exactly."
"Why? What's the problem?" I prod gently.
"Well...." He hesitates. There's doubts and worry swirling in his mind and he knows he has to push through them and talk about it to help himself. I found the fact that one thing could change how he saw everything in his life now just terrifying. Not that I didn't understand it, but it just changed everything about him. He hangs his head as he mumbles "Vince won't want me back."
I see him close his eyes, no doubt kicking himself for failing his objectives by looking away whilst dealing with a problem. It was never easy to go against your natural instinct to protect yourself.
"Are you kidding me!" I say. "He can't wait to have you back. He was talking about your role in the company the other day."
"What did he say?" Shawn asks, curious. His eyes are on me again.
"Well, he figured you wouldn't want an on air role and well, he didn't actually come up with anything. He didn't want to decide anything until he knew what you'd want to do."
"He really wants me back?" Shawn checked.
"Of course."
"I think about it sometimes. The idea of stepping in a locker room again....."
"I'll be with you if you want me to."
"I only have to think about it at the minute anyway." Shawn said. "I'm supposed to wait and talk to him about it next week and how I feel about it."
"Well, you can maybe talk to Vince at some point about it if you're okay to. See what he said."
"Maybe." Shawn says. "I'm supposed to talk to Rebecca as well."
"Of course." I agree.
"She doesn't always like talking about this stuff, you know."
"Well, it's hard, you know?"
Shawn nods mutely. I watch as he traces his finger along one of the scars on his wrist.
"You feeling okay?" I ask him.
"Don't worry, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid." He says.
"What are you thinking of?"
"Nothing really. I'm just tired."
"Want me to take you home?"
"Not just yet." Shawn said. I wait for him to want to leave. I've kinda tuned out when he starts talking to me again. "You saved my life."
I'm caught off guard by the statement and nearly ask him to repeat himself, but stop. We look at one another, neither saying anything to the other. I get the feeling he's waiting for me to say something, so I just strong a sentence together. "Not... really, I just did what I had to do."
"No you didn't. You didn't more than that. You just..." Shawn stops, trying to find the words to explain himself. "If you hadn't been there for me, I wouldn't be here now. I know that."
I go to say something but I really can't think of anything to say. What can I say to that. The reality of it is he's right. But that doesn't mean I have to like thinking about all the 'if's' of the situation. "Look, I didn't do anything amazing. We're the clique right, we've always got each others backs."
Shawn smiled at the clique reference. He didn't say anything again for a while. When he did, he looked ahead, out the window. Looking at the outside world again.
"Okay, I'm ready to go home." He said finally.
I was ready to take him there too. And I'd get him there, because I promised him I wouldn't let him fail.
And I never let a friend down.
The End