14. Confrontation

Sunday afternoon at 3 Penny drove up to the Wolowitz household. She felt like going to a crucially important audition. She rang the bell; Bernadette answered and ushered her into the living room, where Howard was sitting on the couch. He didn't get up, and barely acknowledged Penny's presence with a nod of the head.

Bernadette sat next to Howard on the couch, holding his hand. He looked at Penny with a fury that scared her a little. But she told herself she had to stay calm.

Finally, he spoke, pounding his fist into the couch. "You have no idea what you did to that man. He suffered more than any person should have to suffer. And on top of it, with the asthma attack, he almost died. And for what? So you could get your rocks off with some movie star?"

"Howard!" Bernadette admonished him. They had talked before about not mentioning the deed itself.

Penny looked down for a moment, then back at Howard. "You have all the right in the world to hate me, Howard."

"I don't hate you, Penny. That's part of the problem. I love you. Not," he hastened to add, looking at Bernadette, who smiled in understanding "like that. As a friend. Somebody I considered a really close friend."

Penny nodded. "Me too, Howard."

Howard was calmer now. "I don't know if you can truly understand what Leonard means to me. He made me what I am. Do you remember what I was like when we met?"

"Of course I do, Howard."

"We were lonely, with no social skills, and no friends. And Leonard brought us together, and gave us some self-confidence. He turned us into real people. He's my role model."

Penny nodded.

"And when he got with you, it gave me hope. Not just because you were the prettiest girl around," and he smiled apologetically at Bernadette, who smiled back sweetly, "but because you were normal, and kind, and you were nice to us. We admired you so much. I admired you. And you loved him. He trusted you. We trusted you. Christ, you set me up with Bernadette. You two meant the world to me. Not just as people, but as a couple. And now it turns out it was all a sham, a fake."

"It wasn't a fake, Howard, you have to know that," Penny protested.

He shook his head, not willing to listen. "Do you know what a mensch is?"

"No," Penny admitted.

"It's Yiddish. Means a man. But more than that. A real man, a stand-up guy, somebody you can always rely on. Leonard was that. To all of us. Especially me. And now he's broken, ruined. You did that. Does that make you feel powerful? To reduce a wonderful man to a sobbing wreck?"

Penny herself was starting to sob now, despite all her attempts to hold back. Howard looked at her and his mood softened.

"Penny," he said, more gently, "How could you?"

Penny took a deep breath. "Howard, everything you say is true. And you're right to want me to suffer. I want me to suffer. And if it's any consolation, I am suffering now, and I will suffer for the rest of my life. I want to be punished, just like you want to punish me."

"I don't want to –"

Penny continued. "I don't know if Leonard will ever be able to be with me again. But even if we do get back together, I will be reminded of what I did for the rest of my life. Every single day. When I hold our first baby. When our child graduates from college. When our grandchildren are running around on our front porch. At all those times, times that should be nothing but wonderful, I'll look at my Leonard and remember what I did to him, how I hurt him. And I'll feel miserable, and ashamed, and want to crawl into a hole and die. Like I do now. Every day of my life. Until I die. Maybe that's punishment enough?"

Howard was silent. "Penny," Bernadette said finally, "you have to forgive yourself."

"No, I don't. Some things are unforgiveable. If somebody killed Leonard, I would never forgive him, right? I guess some people could, like people who are deeply religious. But not me. I don't believe in forgiveness for some things. Maybe our couples therapist will change my mind. But right now all I hope for is that Leonard will accept me and take me back. And that I can learn to live with myself without hating myself quite as much as I do now."

Howard looked at her. "I guess it would make Leonard happier if you two were getting along. I'll be honest, I wouldn't take you back. But he might. He needs help, though."

"I want to do what I can, Howard," Penny said. "But I want to tell you something, too. You say you admired me, back then. Well, it can't be half as much as I admire you. You're an astronaut, for God's sake! There are half a million pretty girls in LA who want to be actors. How many astronauts are there? That's amazing. But it's even more amazing to see what you've become, and I respect you so much for that. When I met you, you were – well, you were what you were. But today you're a wonderful husband, and I'm sure you'll be a wonderful father. And you're a wonderful friend to Leonard. So anything you can tell me that can help me be as good a friend to him as you are, I want to know."

"Well," he said, the bitterness creeping back in, "maybe if you were a little less self-absorbed with all this suffering and hating yourself and punishing yourself, you might be able to think about him, to help him more."

Penny was genuinely puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"For one thing, have you even bothered to ask him about his work? Do you even know what's going on with that?"

Penny shook her head, frightened now.

"He pretty much stopped. He's in the middle of the biggest success of his career, and he stopped. There are people in Japan who want to have an international symposium about his work with Sheldon – actually more about his part, the applied part. This is the most impressive thing that can happen for anybody's research, to have an entire international meeting organized to discuss it. And he hasn't even been willing to contact them to set it up. Because he spends all his time thinking about you, and what he did wrong – as if he did anything wrong."

Bernadette looked on with concern as Penny quickly stood up. The young woman was deathly pale.

"Are you all right, Penny?"

"I have to go," she said, her voice trembling. And she bolted for the door. Then she turned to face Howard. "Thank you, Howard. You're a mensch."

Penny drove home, shaking. Howard was right. She had been so intent on her own needs and misdeeds, and on what she felt she had to do to repair their relationship, that she had neglected Leonard's needs, the things he cared about, like his work. Now she remembered that he had mentioned the symposium in Tokyo by Skype, the night before the terrible events. He had been so excited and proud, but then she had ruined everything. At the time, all she could think and talk about was what was happening with her big opportunity, when her husband had a massive opportunity of his own. Afterwards, she loaded him down with all their problems, problems she had caused. What a self-centered person she had become, caught up in her own dramas and focused on her own struggles. He was in the most promising period of his professional life, and he was ignoring it because she had so effectively reawakened his insecurities.

Penny thought she had been doing so well, working so hard to repair the damage she had inflicted to their marriage. But now she realized that she had failed completely, that she had been totally unable to see the full picture. She had ignored what was going on with Leonard, what Leonard needed, what was happening in Leonard's life. She was such a failure, such a self-centered whiner; no wonder he couldn't stand to be with her.

By the time Penny got back to her apartment she was in tears. She ran upstairs and threw herself on the bed. She cried bitterly for nearly an hour, until her phone rang. She was going to ignore it, but saw it was Leonard. Trying to stifle her tears, she picked up.

"Leonard! I'm so sorry! I forgot I was going to call you."

"No problem," he said. "How'd it go?"

"All right, I guess. Do you want to come over now? When are Sheldon and Amy coming for dinner?"

"I told them 6.30, isn't that what we said?" Leonard replied, a little puzzled.

"Right, right." She was collecting herself. "Hold on, I want to check something." She went to the kitchen to make sure she had everything she needed for dinner. "Can you pick up a bottle of red wine on the way over?"

"Sure. See you in a few."

Leonard came in a half-hour later, as Penny busied herself in the kitchen. At least preparing dinner was calming her. She had found with Audrey that cooking – and even cleaning – could be relaxing. So she was better now.

"Hey!" she said, trying to sound normal. She continued working while she spoke. "Sorry to be busy, but I have to keep up the pace here – this is supposed to take 90 minutes, and Sheldon and Amy are due in an hour."

"Can I help?"

"Actually, yes. Why don't you take a look at the recipe over there and measure out the ingredients for the rice dish."

He busied himself with the task, but also wanted to know the results of the day. "Tell me how it went with Howard."

"All right, I guess. He's very angry with me, but I think he's willing to try to be civil. Mostly on your behalf."

"That sounds like progress," Leonard said, pleased.

They worked alongside each other for another few minutes. She wanted to engage, but didn't want it to seem too obvious. "So how was your day?"

"Fine. Relaxing."

"How are things at work these days?" She tried to sound like she was just making conversation.

"All right, I guess. Slow."

"Whatever happened to that thing in Japan? You were telling me about it once. It sounded amazing – a whole meeting just about your work."

"Oh, that. I don't know. It seems like a lot of fuss for no good reason," he said, dismissively.

Penny stopped mixing, washed her hands and dried them. "Leonard, look at me."

He stopped his own work and looked at her, startled.

"What's the problem?" she asked. "Your work was going so well before. You seemed so pleased….But you never talk about it anymore. And I've been too stupid to ask, or to notice that you're not talking about it. What gives?"

Leonard looked down. "I guess I haven't been in the mood to work much."

"I understand, sweetheart. But you have to get back to it. This is a massive opportunity for you, for you and Sheldon. What does Sheldon say?"

"He wants us to keep going with the work. He doesn't want to go to Japan, but he wants me to go."

"Well, then, you should. Please, Leonard, I couldn't ever forgive myself if my…what I did was interfering with your career. Please."

Leonard sighed. "I'll try. I feel a little better now, anyway. So maybe it's time to try to dive back into it."

A few minutes later, shortly after she had put the dinner into the oven to cook, Sheldon and Amy showed up. The four sat and chatted as dinner cooked. Penny continued on the work issue, enlisting Sheldon in the campaign to get Leonard back into it. They talked about the engagement, and possible wedding plans – there was nothing concrete yet, but they were thinking something small and local.

Soon dinner was ready. Penny had pulled her small table out so that it could seat four, and brought the stools over from the kitchen counter. Sheldon and Amy tried to sit on them, but they were simply too tall. Laughing, Leonard and Sheldon went across the hall and brought back two normal-sized chairs.

As they ate, Sheldon and Amy remarked on how good the food was. Penny proudly explained that she had been learning to cook. No more take-out, she said.

"So," Sheldon said as they finished, "when are you moving back, Leonard?"

Amy shook her head at Sheldon, but he soldiered on. "I mean, it's been more than a month."

Penny and Leonard looked at each other. Leonard pursed his lips. "Sheldon, buddy, Penny and I are working out some things. I can't give you a schedule. We don't know ourselves. It could be a while. Right now, we're better off living separately. We're not really in a place where we can be together yet."

Sheldon looked surprised. "You're together now. We saw you together last weekend. I just assumed…."

Penny interrupted. "Sweetie, I know it's rough on you that he's not here, but at least you see him at work, right?"

"See him, sure! But he's not doing anything." Penny shot a glance at Leonard, who looked down guiltily.

Penny was pleading now, "Sheldon, please don't put any more pressure on Leonard. Things are hard enough as it is."

Amy was trying to quiet Sheldon now, but the tall physicist was getting agitated. "I'm not pressuring him. I'm just asking when things can get back to normal. I mean, it's not like you two were such a great couple to begin with."

Amy jumped up. "Sheldon! You can't say things like that."

"Sure I can. Penny knows what she did was wrong. And Leonard certainly knows Penny's not perfect. So let's move on. We need to get back to work. And things here need to go back the way they were."

Leonard stood up. "Sheldon, it's a lot more complicated than that. We can talk about it some other time. I think maybe it would be good if you two left Penny and me alone."

Sheldon looked at Penny bitterly. "This is all your fault, you know."

Penny looked down. "I know, Sheldon. I'm sorry."

Amy looked on hopelessly as the gathering fell apart. She gave Leonard a big hug, and hesitated before doing the same for Penny. "I'm sorry," she said. "I hope we can do this again soon, and maybe a little more calmly. I apologize for Sheldon, he's been –"

"Don't apologize for me!" Sheldon said, angrily. "They're the ones who should apologize." And he walked out the door. Amy sighed deeply and left after him.

Penny looked at the door, disconsolately.

Leonard spoke first. "Don't worry, Penny. They'll come around. It just takes time. You know how clueless Sheldon is."

Penny slumped down on the couch. "He's not clueless. He's right. This is all my fault. It's bad enough I'm making you so miserable, but I'm keeping you from doing really important work. It would be like you keeping me from being in the play. That's horrible."

Leonard sat next to her. "It's not your fault. It's what's inside me."

Penny looked at him. "It is my fault, and you know it. Leonard, you have to start working again. It will help you. It helped me. I don't know if I could have gotten through the last month without work. Try it. I think it will help. Please try."

"OK, Penny. I'll try."

They cleaned up quietly. Leonard spoke first. "It will be a process, Penny. Don't be too disappointed."

She smiled at him.

"Do you want to have dinner together tomorrow?" he suggested. "There's a nice new Indian place in Altadena I've heard about."

"I'd love that," she said, gratefully.

The next day, after Leonard called to say he was on his way. Penny headed downstairs to meet him. As she reached the second floor she saw Sheldon and Amy on their way up. She felt like running away, but instead she did her best to smile and greet them. Sheldon looked daggers at her and walked on. Amy made an attempt to be warm, but Penny could tell it was a struggle. She guessed that the previous evening's disaster had caused tension between Amy and Sheldon. She sighed and continued down to meet Leonard.

They could hardly avoid the topic over dinner. Leonard insisted that it was only a matter of time. "In fact," he said, "I was talking with Amy at work today. She really wants to see if we can try to reduce the tension. She suggested we have a group get-together next Sunday evening, over in 4A. Like old times, you know. I told Sheldon it was a way of trying to get back to normal. That it might even help speed things up. A little lie, maybe, but he bought it. Raj and Howard were willing."

Penny was doubtful. "I think it will be pretty uncomfortable all around." But Leonard insisted, and she reluctantly agreed.