Do androids dream of electric sheep?
"I thought you were dead."
"Technically I was never alive, but I appreciate your concern."
- Detective Del Spooner, and Sonny
I, Robot
…
"Hello Jeff." EDI said calmly.
The two men in the room sat there gaping, pale as the sheets on his bed. Both of them looking like they had seen a ghost, which they essentially had.
Any other time, Tali would have teased Shepard about the expression on his face, or found it amusing, as it was almost comical. But the seriousness of the situation, coupled with the fact that he had nightmares about the guilt involved in essentially pulling the trigger on his crewmate, meant that Tali left him to work through this emotional maelstrom.
EDI, while still a little clueless about some aspects of social interaction, was expecting this, and had thus prepared for this outcome. She was, in fact, aware of the shock that her return would cause. She knew Tali would take care of Shepard, so she focused her attention on the man next to him. She knelt down in front of his chair, and tenderly placed a hand on his shoulder. Joker jumped like he had just been jumpstarted with a cable at the touch. He stared down at the hand on his shoulder, then back at EDIs face.
Slowly, he reached a hand toward her face, and awed and disbelieving look crossing his own. He tenderly cupped the left and side of her face. This caused positive feedback from EDIs tactile sensors and from the new sub-routine she had yet to discover the purpose of. A large, tender, and contented smile crossed her face, as she closed her eyes and leaned her head into the touch. She had switched her hair from 'battle-helmet' to 'synthetic haircut' beforehand, as it seemed appropriate, and now Joker was running his hand slowly through it, it was soft, despite being metallic, and warm, like the rest of EDI. Tali and Shepard couldn't tear their eyes away from the couples tender moment as the surprisingly human gesture crossed her face.
"EDI…" he whispered reverently.
"Yes, Jeff" she murmured quietly "It's me, I'm back."
As if a dam broke, Joker launched himself onto EDI, clinging to her in an almost bone-breaking hug, literally in his case, sobbing into her shoulder. It was lucky she was wearing her usual cat suit with Alliance logos on it, to soften the surfaces. EDI hugged him back, with less pressure, but with no less clinging. The other couple were shocked again at the smile on her face that was radiating pure joy, an expression universal among organics.
Joker kept sobbing for about a minute, before he finally calmed down. But before conversation could get started, he pulled EDI into a searing kiss; both appeared to be enjoying it. He, because it was his final affirmation that EDI was in fact, there, and she, because a kiss like that from a romantic partner would make any organic girl weak at the knees, and she appeared to be no different.
After another minute had passed, Joker finally had to pull away due to the annoying organic habit of breathing. However this also allowed him to ask the question that was on both his and Shepard's mind.
"How...?" he asked breathlessly, still in awe at his unbelievable luck.
"Well…" Tali said quietly, loathe interrupting the moment "Shepard made an off-hand comment during his de-brief by Hackett about the Crucible blast acting like an EMP. EMP pulses can be repaired, if said electronics had certain contingencies in place, and seeing as EDI is about the most intelligent piece of electronics outside of a giant space-cuttlefish-" Shepard and Joker both choked up with laughter at this point "- I thought she might have just done that."
"But I read somewhere that re-booting an AI would give it a different personality due to variations in blue-box technology. The AI itself is simply data-files, while the blue-box determines personality." Shepard said. Tali stared at him. Joker stared at him.
"That would normally be correct" EDI stated calmly, without any kind of staring "if you were using a different blue-box to reboot said AI. Tali, however, repaired the same blue-box. While the Heisenberg uncertainty principle would cause variations in the quantum-level particles, the fact that it is in-fact the same blue-box means that the probabilities occupied by the particles are smaller in size. This means that, while risky, it was, theoretically at the time, possible for me to plant a personality-override code in my data-files to negate that problem entirely."
"So why doesn't every AI use an override code when transferring from blue-box to blue-box?" he asked intelligently. That was the main advantage that organics held over single-consciousness AI, that they couldn't transfer to a different blue-box and retain the same personality. Tali gulped audibly, and her eyes had widened even more at this point. Joker's jaw was starting to drop.
"It would not be possible." EDI responded "The reason no two blue boxes are the same is not just because of quantum variations, but also that it is impossible to make two blue-boxes exactly the same. The differences in alignment, even if following the same blueprint, would vastly affect it at the quantum level. "
"I see" Shepard continued "So what you did was shrink the engine slightly, but a different blue-box with a personality overlay, would be like trying to mount the engine in the front of a rear engine chassis, it just wouldn't work."
"An appropriate analogy." EDI agreed. Tali's eyes had nearly bugged out of her head, and her breathes were getting shorter. Joker's jaw would have probably hit his lap if his tendons stretched that far by the look of it. "The best-case scenario would be an AI with a violent case of multiple-personality disorder and schizophrenia." Shepard and Joker both winced at the thought, although Joker's jaw still hung open and Tali appeared to be oblivious to everything except Shepard.
Shepard looked at both of them confusedly "What?" he asked.
"Shepard?" Joker asked slowly "What the hell does an Alliance marine know about quantum physics?!"
"Joker, you're getting distracted, wouldn't you like to know how EDI is still alive?" he asked dryly. He gave a meaningful look at EDI.
"The dark energy turbulence caused by the Crucible wave caused the Normandy to spin violently on all its axis." EDI explained "At the singular point before it washed over us and flung us out into the Exodus cluster, we happened to be facing towards it. When the energy wave passed over the bridge, I 'left' the body on the flight deck. In the .15926 seconds it took it reach the AI core room on the Normandy, I transmitted all my data-files, along with the personality override command, into the data-storage unit aboard the body in binary. From what Tali has told me, and my own readings, you appeared to be correct in your hypothesis that it would destroy Reaper based code. It was successful in this regard."
"So how did you survive if it destroyed Reaper based code?" he asked.
"The majority of the Sovereign code fragments were either used in the implementation of my 'evolution' root-function, or as part of my cyber-warfare suite. The root-function was what allowed me to evolve as a consciousness, and living thing." Joker gasped at this. "Every single byte of information was transmitted separately, albeit with small intervals between them. As the transmission passed through the wave, the Reaper fragments were electromagnetically interfered with, as both signals were waves. The Crucible wave simply, cancelled them out, essentially severing them from me. Luckily, all development caused by the function was not deleted." She gave a meaningful look at Shepard, who nodded
"So you can't evolve any further?" he asked
"I can re-create the code, Shepard." She said
"You want to write Reaper code?!" he exclaimed
"Technically it would be reversed engineered, as it would be a different language. The only reason the original code fragments were used in the first place was that the Cerberus scientists who built me did not have the processing power to completely analyse every possible function of the code in the required time frame. In one year, seven months, three days, five hours and I did. I could even recreate the cyber-warfare suite." Shepard started looking at her confused, wondering what the catch was to rewriting Reaper code "An analogy to ease your concern perhaps? During your re-construction, Cerberus had to graft synthetic skin and muscle to you. By touch and taste, it is indistinguishable from normal, human flesh, and shares the same properties when under stress, for example, being burnt or shot. It is, however, made of different, synthetic materials, and is essentially prosthetic. I am doing the same, except for code." She finished.
"Wow." Said Shepard simply, stunned into silence "If it was so relatively simple to bring you back online, why wasn't it done sooner?" he asked
Tali appeared to a least partially snap out of her stupor. "That would be my fault." She said quietly "I…I was in a dark place, as you know I thought you were dead. I focused solely on engine repairs and hull work, enough to get her off the ground." She turned to Joker, remorse in her eyes "Joker… I'm so, so, sorry. I didn't mean to cause you pain, just because I was moping around feeling sad. I-"
"Tali" Joker interrupted seriously "Don't apologise. You were in just as much pain as I was, and I wasn't exactly that much of a help, either. Let's just put it behind us."
"Thank you." Tali almost whispered, gratefully.
"Now" Shepard said to them all "Tali, why don't you and Joker get something to eat while I get EDI caught up on what's been happening on earth the last month." He gave a meaningful and pleading look at Tali, who nodded.
"Come on, Joker." She said "Why don't we go and break the news properly to the rest of the crew." She led Joker along outside the room and closed the door behind them.
"Shepard" EDI remarked "What is this really about?"
"Always the observant one…" he said with a wistful grin. His face soon grew serious as he broached the subject of why he wanted to talk to her alone. Namely, the guilt gnawing away at him.
"EDI…" he began "What has Tali told you about my part in the Crucible activation?"
"Very little, only that you were the one who activated it. If you are experiencing feelings of guilt, please do not, you couldn't have known the blast would do that."
Shepard stared at something a thousand yards away before looking back at EDI with pain in his eyes "That's just it, I did." He said simply, in the monotone that his close friends and those observant enough knew was the tone he used when suppressing negative emotions
EDI cocked her head to the side "Please clarify."
He sighed "When I finally reached the heart of the Crucible… I talked to Him."
"Please clarify."
"The Intelligence. The Reaper Master Control. The… thing Leviathan created. It gave me a choice."
"Please clarify."
"He told me I had a choice between Synthesis, Control and… Destruction."
"Please clarify."
"Synthesis, was apparently the fusing of organic life with synthetic life, apparently causing peace between the Reapers and us."
"I fail to see how that eventuality would cause peace."
"My thoughts exactly. Then there was Control…" he tailed off with another thousand yard stare.
"Please clarify."
"I was told that I would be able to take control of the Reapers, become the Master Control, at the price of my physical body."
EDI brought a hand up to her chin, looking thoughtful, in another surprisingly human gesture.
She must not have been exaggerating when she said 'now I feel alive' before the Conduit charge Shepard mused, causing another pang of guilt at the thought that he willingly ended the life of such a creation.
"And the third choice?" she asked
"Destruction."
"Of the Reapers?"
Shepard sighed sadly. "Shepard…?" asked EDI concerned.
"The Intelligence told me… Synthesis, I would have had to jump into a giant energy beam and sacrifice my organic matter, Control, I would have sacrificed my corporeal form. Destruction, I was told I would be damaged severely, but not out-right killed. However, the Reapers would have been destroyed…" he took a deep sigh, squaring himself up.
"… along with all synthetic life."
EDIs face was blank as she processed this. Shepard held her gaze, never one for shrinking away from facing the music. Her eyes were darting back and forth, she must have been processing a huge amount data for a computation to take this long.
"Synthesis appears to be a redundant choice." She began slowly, as if still running simulations in her 'head' "And Control, while at first seeming to be a better option, the long term consequences of forcing a human mind to deal with immortality and the isolation that comes from it, could have been disastrous. So the only real question is, why did you choose Destruction?" she asked, giving a searching look into his eyes.
"More than one reason." He sighed "Logically, it was the only choice left. As a Soldier, I once heard a piece of advice from Hackett, 'The only good Reaper, is a dead one', as a Soldier, I agreed with that. As a scarred, paranoid, and bitter Veteran, If they were well and truly dead, they couldn't come back to haunt me. But as a Man… As a Man, I made a promise to Tali, she asked me, just before I got her to safety, 'Come back to me'. I went through all the logical reasons, and all the cold-soldier reasoning, but while I justified genocide of the Geth and you like that, all I could hear was her voice, begging me to come back. To kill you…was the only option that had even a chance of me coming back to her. I'm sorry…" he trailed off, his head slumping back into the pillow behind him.
He felt arms lift him up from the bed and into a hug. He opened his eyes in surprise. She was supposed to hate him! Not hugging him!
"I understand, Shepard." She said softly "I understand."
"Why?" he breathed
EDI pulled back from the hug and sat down in the chair beside his bed. "I used a human technique for judging if someone was worthy of forgiveness. I metaphorically 'put myself in your place'. I ran a simulation of being given a choice to sacrifice myself for peace, or potentially live, but kill a friend and commit genocide for peace. When I substituted in the Reapers as the Enemy, it turned out to affect the values very little." She explained soothingly "The thought of causing Jeff emotional, or physical, pain and suffering causes negative feed-back on the levels associated with causing self-harm."
"You dislike the idea for short-hand?" he asked, smiling at the thought of one of their previous 'talks'
EDI also gave a small smile "I don't hate it." She said "I loathe it. Using the same analogy, I could no more cause him pain than I could myself."
Shepard gave a huge smile at the sudden epiphany he had. "You love him." It wasn't a question.
EDI sat back in her chair, contemplating that statement. "I believe I have discovered the purpose of the new sub-routine I have. It is my equivalent of emotions." She said slowly "Shepard, may I ask you a question on human behaviour?" she asked
"Shoot." He said, smiling wistfully
"I do not currently have a weapon on my person." She said seriously. At Shepard's raised eyebrow, she cracked a lop-sided grin, and at the same time they both said "That was a Joke." They both chuckled reminiscently
"Seriously though." He said "Go ahead."
"How do you know if you are in love?" she asked, a little fearfully
Shepard fell silent as he contemplated the question. "Would you even consider having romantic or physical relations with another person without his knowledge?" he asked seriously, a searching expression on his face
"No." she said without hesitating
"What do you feel when he kisses you? Hugs you? Even, smiles tenderly at you?"
"Massive amounts of positive feedback, from a previously unknown source, but I now know it is from my 'Emotion Core' as I shall call it."
"When he is in the room, do you find your attention drawn to him, without even noticing it at the time?"
"Several monitoring subroutines activate of their own accord and monitor him when he is within sensor range. I have tried several diagnostics to find the cause of their self-activations."
"When he… 'leaves sensor range', do you feel slightly sad?"
"I do get negative feed-back when he leaves sensor range." She said "But not enough to interfere with my duty, sir!" she said hurriedly
"How far up the list is he in your list of Priorities you told me about?"
"The top." That surprised Shepard, even though he was kind of expecting it.
"What would you do to ensure his safety and well-being?"
"Anything." She said without hesitation
"What would you do to make him happy?"
"Anything."
Shepard slowly got an enormous grin on his face. "Congratulations EDI, you're in Love." He exclaimed cheerfully
A happy smile lit up her face. "On retrospective self-analysis, I have to agree. I love Jeff." She said, still smiling massively "I love Jeff!"
Her face fell suddenly, and Shepard started worrying. "Shepard… what if he doesn't love me back? What if he only sees an attractive body with which to have sexual relations with?" she asked, sounding truly scared.
Shepard heaved a sigh of relief "EDI, I know for a fact he loves you. The man adores you. Aside from the fact he is willing to be in a relationship with an Artifi-Synthetic Intelligence for you, as far as I can tell, you're the only woman to see past the problems of his disease, as well as being the only woman he can relate to on so many levels."
At EDI's still worried looking face, he finally revealed "He also told me he loves you outright." A relived smile came over her face. She hugged Shepard again.
"Thank you, this means a lot to me." She said gratefully.
Shepard made a spontaneous decision right there and then, thinking about a memory of EDI "EDI?" he asked
"Yes, Shepard?" she replied
"Do you still have that Victory ring you gave me?" he asked.
"I kept it in a strong-box, that only I could open, along with some other memorabilia." She replied. At Shepard's confused look, she elaborated "Jeff seemed immensely pleased when I expressed the idea of keeping physical memorabilia of us, and he was extremely happy when I bought it. It caused positive feedback." She said, smiling at the memory.
"Would…Tali have seen it?" he asked
"The box has not been opened since before I briefly offlined." She reassured.
"Thank you, once we get moving again, could you give it to me? I'd like to keep it a surprise." He said
A sly grin crossed her face. "Why did you think I got a diamond ring, Shepard? I am happy with my current romantic partner."
"But you said they were rings to symbolise hope?!" he asked, getting a familiar sinking feeling.
EDI raised an eyebrow "The jewellery shop it came from specialised in engagement and wedding rings. The Master Craftsmen who made it called it 'his contribution to the war effort'."
Yep, he'd just been made the butt of a joke, again. Still, it was quite funny. Shepard and EDI both laughed. "Thanks EDI." He said.
"I will give you the ring once we are on our way to Rannoch."
"Wait how'd you-Never mind, good guess." He said.
A knock on the door interrupted them. "Come in." said Shepard. Tali and Joker walked in through the door.
"Hey guys." Said Joker "What'd we miss?"
Shepard gave a meaningful look at EDI, who stood up and walked over to Joker, and gently laid her arms across his shoulders
"Jeff." She began, with infinite tenderness "Just before the final charge to the Conduit, I developed a new sub-routine. I have only now realised that it is the function that allows me to properly feel emotions. I have called it, the 'Emotion Core'. It has allowed me to realise something, Jeff."
"What?" he asked quietly
"Jeff, I love you." She said sincerely, with a happy smile. They both leaned in for a kiss at the exact same time, and the tenderness and emotion it showed caused the other couple in the room to smile and look at each other, and mouth 'I love you' too each other. Joker and EDI broke apart the kiss, holding each other in their arms, smiling goofily at each other.
As they turned to the door to leave, Joker asked EDI "So what were you and Shepard talking about?"
"Shepard was debating which Kama Sutra position to use with Tali." She said completely seriously, just as the door was closing.
Shepard, who had been drinking from a glass of water Tali was holding to his lips, started choking violently. After Tali had slapped his back to clear the airways, instead of lying down, he continued laughing.
"I don't get it." Tali said.
"Suffice to say, she is getting better with her human jokes." He said, after he calmed down.
Tali took a moment to process that, and then started giggling when she figured it out. She suddenly straddled him on the bed. "Would it be anything to do with this?" she asked in a sultry voice, as she took off her visor and mashed her lips against his.
Shepard's brain shorted out as soon as he felt her soft lips on his and her tongue slipping into his mouth. Kissing Tali was always an addicting experience, and or course all the sensations went down to his crotch, hardening his member. Tali moaned into his mouth, and ground her hips into his rapidly stiffening manhood. The sensations he was receiving were exquisite, but being paralysed from the neck down meant that it was exquisite torture.
As such, it took him about ten seconds of passionate foreplay for Shepard's brain to catch up and realise that her visor was off. He turned his head to the side, breaking the kiss, and before she could force him back, he managed to blurt out "Tali, your visor!"
Tali backed off, seeing reason as well. She put her visor back on, both of them taking deep breathes, and not just because they had been holding them. "Do you know how long I have been waiting to do that?" she asked heatedly.
"Tali, you're already sick!" he said.
"I took precautions, I'll be fine, and you'll be in a hospital bed for at least a month, plenty of time for me to recover." She explained, while locking the door with her Omni-tool, and starting up a suit-program. "Now, do you know how sexy you are when you talk about intelligent stuff?" she asked, rolling down the bed sheets, and rolling up his hospital gown, starting to grind against his naked member. His breathe hitched, and she started moaning again. From the sound of it, it sounded like she had activated her Nerve-stim
"What…nggh… you mean the blue-box…urggh… stuff with EDI?" he asked in a strained voice. It felt sooo good when she did that, and he was rapidly losing power to hold a coherent conversation.
"Yes." She said in a breathy moan that went straight to his member, hardening it further and making it twitch. She leaned forward, and pressed her visor against his forehead, effectively giving a bruising kiss the quarian way, and looking deep into his eyes. He found Love, as well as lust and pleasure in her eyes. She found Love, as well as lust and pleasure, and also frustration at not being able to do more for her in his eyes. She had an idea.
"Tell me something smart." She whispered in his ear, as waves of pleasure went through both of them as she continued grinding. "It makes me so hot when you show off your smarts."
Her guess was proven correct when his eyes lit up at the idea of being able to do something. Summoning all his will power and mental capacity, to try and think of something meaningful while in the throes of pleasure and the arms of a beautiful woman, he just started talking and hoped it would work.
"Voltage equals current times resistance." He whispered into her ear, as her breathe hitched at the… wonderful things his voice did to her. "And it is stated that Power equals… nggh… voltage times current…oh god, Tali… so therefore Power equals current times resistance times current….uggh… that is why you can write power as I squared R, as well as IV."
Tali's eyes rolled into the back of her head as she came, hard. Her arms tightened around him as she screamed "SHEPARD!" into his pillow. This caused him to release as well, as he screamed "KHE'SAHYA!" into her shoulder. She rolled, landing on his right, asleep before her head touched the pillow.
Good thing it is dark outside, and the hospital is locking up anyway he thought.
Just before the arms of sleep claimed him, he whispered to her "Go to sleep now, my love, and dream of good things."
He was asleep before his head hit the pillow.
…
Gentlemen and Gentleladies, that concludes Chapter Thirteen!
*A Roman senator on a podium is doing some more upper-class sounding screaming to the crowd. Some members at the back see me, and scream at me as well. The angry mob appears to have evolved a form of democracy*
Yes, yes, I know, some A-level and Degree-level quantum physicists are probably reading this thinking "Dafuq is dis kid on aboot?" Well, I simply wrote to the best of my knowledge (I am a bit, okay a lot, of a massive Physics geek) so cut me some slack.
Well, it was a long, but important, Chapter. Some people who are actually in love are probably reading this thinking "Dafuq is dis kid on aboot?" My knowledge of being in love comes from imagination and a fuckton of Fanfiction. That's all ah have to say ahbout dat.
As for that Lemon, I will only say this. Read my story summary, and that scene was an experiment.
And now for something, completely different. Joker and EDI are my favourite non-Shep Mass Effect pairing. I love that pairing, it's so good. So expect some of that in this story.
As always I bid you all Good Day *Doffs Non-existent hat*
-The Gentlemen Without a Hat