The Laughing Master: Chapter Eight and a Half
TOFU
And now, we go over events once more. This time with clarity and understanding.
My name is John Collier Constantine and I am standing in front of a wounded associate. Alright so maybe calling her an associate is stretching it a bit. Let's call her a former enemy who is forced to co-operate with me due to extenuating circumstances. Who also conspired to sell me to Krautland Alchemists. She's also bleeding from a bullet wound in her chest. A bullet that I shot. Accidentally. Oi, I just wanted her to keep away! It was supposed to be part of the plan!
I swear, every time I try to do something right, all of Creation conspires against me. And when I do something wrong, it still conspires against me. Strewth, what am I supposed to do now?
Alright, think clearly. Your associate is bleeding to death, your ticket to redemption has been kidnapped by an ancient Babylonian King and you may have accidentally pushed the war beyond acceptable limits. What's the solution?
Easy, stick the sword sheath in to her body and watch her heal.
"You are so lucky that I overheard your conversation with those krauts, lass." I said as I charged my fingers with od. "I wouldn't have known to use Avalon otherwise. Bloody thick of me, I suppose, but hey, we all forget important things in our life." I stabbed my hand into my abdomen. I feel my body open. It's not painful but it feels extremely unpleasant. A little like taking off your jumper in a snow filled street in January. The cold wind stings but I persistently fish around until I grip the object tightly. Pulling it out, on the other hand, feels mildly pleasant.
With a single motion, I charge the sheath up and stick the tip inside Hisau Maiya. She gasps and then moans. For a few moments, nothing happens. Then I see her body pop out a bullet. The slug is slightly flattened at the tip. Surprising. Did she instinctively reinforce her skin? That's a hell of a technique to pull off. I quickly shove Avalon back into my body and look around. Hisau will recover in due time and probably come running to rip my head off. Most women I know want to rip off my heads anyways so there hasn't been a significant change in that area.
No, the actual change is that the game has finally started. All thanks to me and Kotomine.
I couldn't sleep at all. I am not used to these mattresses on the ground which the japs use. And then there is the fact that the Einzbern keeps sobbing. Granted, she isn't loud but she keeps me awake anyways. Saber is somewhere in the house, probably standing at guard. The link between us fluctuates according to my whim. This is the only thing I've left that I can control. Bugger. I miss the feeling of being in control of the situation.
A bell rings somewhere in the house, jolting me from fitfully drowsy to fully awake. I simply lay there for a few moments, unable to do or think anything coherent. I sat up and tried punching my pillow to make it more comfortable. One thing led to another and soon I was venting my anger into the pillow.
What the fuck was I doing? I was now nothing more but a glorified spiritual anchor to her Majesty King Arthur. I was a Master, damnit! I was supposed to be the one in charge! I pull the crew through every shitstorm we encounter.
Oh wait, I don't. I get them killed more often than not.
I give up. The pillow's a mess anyways. It was entirely innocent anyways. Maybe a glass of water will help. There was some bottled water in the refrigerator. I get up and slide the room's door open. This is another thing I'll never understand up about the Japanese. What's wrong with a regular swinging door? And then with all the tables at the centre of the room as if it's some sort of clansmeet. I can't believe I am already sick of this country.
I couldn't endure it any more. I threw off the blankets and tip toed out of the house.
And stopped dead.
"Oh bugger." I groan at the sight of the Executer in front of me. To be honest, he looks just as confused as me. The two of use stare at each other, unsure of what to do. Being the charismatic individual I am, I decide to take the lead.
"Kirei Kotomine, I assume?" I said. Irisviel von Einzbern had mentioned her a few hours ago. "I admit, you Catholics are good trackers. Tracking down a target in a densely populated city like this in a matter of hours is impressive by my standards." I had to keep him talking and signal Saber somehow. Why hadn't she noticed his presence yet? Or was she waiting for me to muck it all up? Quite sly of you, lass. Never expected this from a knight but maybe there's hope in you yet.
"I was after you." Kotomine said. His English is accented but the lilt is Spanish. Strange. Or maybe not. He is an Executor after all. Traveling the world is part of his job description.
"So you're hunting Protestants now? Well, they did say that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." I said. Kotomine looks at me as if I am completely insane. Come to think of it, that was quite a stupid thing to say.
"I need to talk to you, Mr. Constantine." Kotomine said. He hesitated for a few moments. "I need guidance and I think you can help me."
What the hell? I am the wrong person to ask for mentoring, lad. Isn't this Japan, the land of kung fu and stuff like the sort of wise monks and stuff like that? Hell, even a self help book bought at an airport can be of better use to than me. Most people who ask for m advice usually end up dead, broke, humiliated, insane or a combination of those four.
Actually, this is a good opportunity for me to mess up his mind. Mr. Kotomine here is in extremely emotionally vulnerable at the moment. I can convince him to stand down and spend his life in some monastery in Italy or something like that. Do Italian monasteries accept Japanese blokes? Considering the rampant xenophobia of the world, no man is safe in any country. Hell, people aren't safe in their own country. But that's not the point here. The point is that I have a golden moment here that could probably decide the course of this War.
On the other hand, I could listen to his problems. Who knows, maybe he is just some bloke who had the hard luck to draw the short straw and ended up in this Bloody War. He may have killed Kiritsugu Emiya but what choice did he have? If not him then it would have been Emiya who would have taken the chance. So what if he is an Executor? It's his job to exterminate threats to humanity. The rest of the world doesn't have the luxury of having aliens in tights watching over their cities. These people are humanity's first line of defense.
And besides, I've made friends with worst people. There was a time when I ended up saying 'I could murder a fag right now.' In America. Can't remember which city but the results sure were spectacular. I ended up starting a war between social rights crusaders and Neo Nazi punks, with the Nazis personally going out of the way to rescue me, pat me on the back and taking me out for a couple of drinks. Those were probably the best Nazis I had ever known. I mean, as that American president said, you kill the enemies you make friends out of. One hell of a saying that but one that I approve.
I made my decision.
"Do you want to talk here? Or would you prefer someplace else?" I asked him. The bastard almost glad when I said that. From the way things looked, it seemed as if no person had decided to listen to him vent before. It's a pity I don't have a hip flask because this looks like it's going to be a long night.
"I know of a place where we can sit in private." Kotomine said. I could pinch the link between me and Saber shut and leave her in the dark about my whereabouts if I wanted. But that would be extremely stupid. However, if I decide to go against my alliance with the Einzbern, Saber would decide to take my head off. I would prefer not to have that happen. As it happens, I am quite attached to my head. I could, however, use up my spare Command Spell to summon her if there would be trouble. But that would mean that there is nothing to hold her back from killing me dead if I do that. I finally hit on a ridiculous idea.
"Move out of sight." I told Kotomine. He looked perplexed but he walked out of the gate. I go back inside the House. I walk in to my room and slide open the divide between my room and the next. Lying on the mattress is the King of Camelot, eyes wide open. I swear, her irises actually gleam a brilliant green in the dark.
"Constantine, is the intruder hostile?" She asked. So she was aware that someone had come inside but hadn't interfered.
"Well, I am still alive, for starters." I said casually. "It's a confused civilian who is resisting hypnosis. I am going to slowly mesmerize him until he forgets even coming near this place. I want you to follow me but keep out of sight just in case something happens." Saber considers my plan carefully.
"It is a good plan but are you sure it is necessary? What if it turns out that there is no reason for you to do all of this?" Saber asked.
"I don't know if he has seen something or not. For all we know, he may secretly have discovered the world of magecaft and he was sneaking in here to discover some more. It is better to over write his memories than ignore him. He might get himself killed." I said. She will go along with this plan for sure. Protection of the small, the weak, the helpless and the innocent is what all kights are about after all. No matter how brassed off she was, she would agree with my plan if it over lapped with her code. Kind of obvious in hindsight but something that was easy to overlook. Should have found a way like that in the case of Tohsaka.
"Agreed then. What do you propose that I do?" Saber said.
"I am going to leave with that poor bloke for a bit of a bender. You follow us after fifteen minutes. I'll keep the mental link between us open at all times. Keep out of sight but not out of range. I'll be trusting you on this one, Saber." I told her. I look at her in the eyes but she doesn't blink. In the end, I am forced to look away.
"Of course, Constantine." She said and then stood up.
"And another thing. Don't wake Hisau or Einzbern up. There is no need to disturb them." I added. Saber doesn't seem to mind. Perhaps she doesn't trust those two just like me.
"Let's go." I say as soon as I leave the bleeding house. Kotomine simply nods and leads the way. The night is cold and my breath seems to come out like cigarette smoke. I feel the need for another fag but I restrain myself. I only have so many sticks left. Who knows when I might run out.
It only takes us forty five minutes of walking to reach a Chinese restaurant. Kotomine and I sat on the same table facing each other.
"Is this place safe to discuss the War?" I asked.
"There is no need to worry. I have hypnotized the staff of the Hongzhou Feast Hall for the explicit purpose of this talk." Kotomine assured me. That's quite a load of hot air coming from an Executor. I thought most Executors weren't mages but more along the lines of the Church's Anti- Apostle Special Forces? Mundane men who had undergone vigorous training and endured a baptism by fire to emerge polished like human weapons?
Kotomine ordered something while I looked around. I could sense Saber's presence. She was close by and at the ready in case of some misunderstanding or hostility. Kotomine was a deceptively large man. He stood at least an inch taller than me. His clothes seemed to fit him like sausage skins. How did he put them on to begin with? His forearms threatened to split the cloth every time he moved. Was this an intentional design by the tailor? Japanese Catholics are a queer bunch.
The waiter put two bowls of something in front of us. The steam wafting from it made it seem delicious but I was still wary. Who knows what sort of eyes of newts or toes of frogs were in it? It did boil and bubble like some sort of hellbroth. I wouldn't be surprised if this bowl was actually made from Soylent steak. The Japs had to take care of their population somehow. Hell, they might even slip in some supernatural flesh if they could get away with it. Japan is the magical Australia of the world, filled to the brim with supernatural phenomena just waiting to go from bumping things in the night to stripping you down to the bone. I know this because I know a few people who've been there. Just because I haven't seen anything like this yet doesn't mean I shouldn't be ready for something like this.
Kotomine is eating his food with a far off expression. Something really bad must have happened to leave him so gutted. Wonder what it was. Executors aren't known for having the mindset of a common man. One can even say that they are better trained to deal with the sort of stuff I dabble in. Not that I want to stop dabbling, mind you. I am just saying that they are better at it in some ways than me.
"Alright, I'll just assume that you forced me to walk all the way here for a reason that has something to do with the Grail War, Kotomine." I said. Kotomine blinked once or twice before focusing his attention on me.
"Forgive me, I have a few things on mind." He said. His tone sounded sincere enough.
"I can see that." I said. "So, what's the matter?"
Kotomine didn't speak for a few moments. He just played with his food while I waited.
"Why did you participate in the Grail War?" He asked. I am not surprised by that question. In fact, there wasn't even a need for him to drag me all the way here to ask me that.
"I made a stupid mistake in the past while mucking around with stuff I didn't understand." I said. I shrugged. "Someone else suffered for my stupidity."
"Are you talking about the murder of that girl?" Kotomine asked. Christ, how many people have done their research on me? Next thing you'll know, the Queen herself will be gossiping about stuff like this. I decide not to confirm his suspicion. I just look outside. So far, there hasn't been any show of enmity from Kotomine. So far, so good.
"I didn't expect such a noble cause to be your motivation, Constantine." The priest said.
"What's so surprising about that?" I snapped. Kotomine doesn't flinch. The joy of not being infamous means that I can't bully people stronger and better than me since they don't know my reputation. Yet another reason to hate Japan. "Are you saying that Brits can't be good chaps? Or are you saying that blonde blokes are evil? Or maybe you just assume that I, John Constantine, can't do good because I am a selfish bastard?"
"I assumed that because you used Tohsaka Tokiomi's daughter against him." Kotomine bluntly stated. Strewth, I hate Catholics. All that time, dealing with confessions and the likes means that they can judge a man from looks alone. Or was it voice alone? Anyways, Father Brown, what more can you tell about me? Maybe you would like to ask me about my father now? How I hated him and lusted after my mother? Sorry to say, my mother died giving birth to me and my Father never forgave me for that. And yes, I went through that and didn't decide to wear tights and a mask and go out crusading against petty criminals, calling myself 'Captain Britain'. Vigilantism is an expensive hobby, you know. You would have to be a billionaire who also lived in a criminal haven to be able to do all that.
"All is fair in love and war." I brush him off with a pithy quote.
"No, it isn't." He replies. "The International Law explicitly forbids war crimes." Oh now we are going to use the mundane world as a reference, eh? I swear, you mages are all the same. Well, not Executors but since they are more combat oriented, I think my intentions fit the glove. Actually, do supernatural creatures even concern themselves with mundane laws? Why bother with procedure and protocol when you can simply mesmerize your way through? And let's face it, even mundane don't respect the law. For all our pretense of being a civil bunch of civilizations, we respect bigger sticks more than fairer treaties.
"So, I used unfair means to eliminate a strong threat." I said. "It's Tohsaka's fault that he failed to predict something like this."
"True." Kotomine said. That was unexpected. I would have thought that he would disagree with on the grounds of my actions of being morally questionable at best. "But that doesn't mean you had to exploit him like that." And now we are back to me being the villain. What does it take to get some redemption around here, a cross and some nails?
"We aren't here to discuss my problems." I said, putting the conversation back on track. "Why did you bring me all the way here?" My bowl of grub has gone cold but I don't care. I take a spoonful just to see what's it like. Christ, what is this stuff? Why does it burn like demon blood? Is Kotomine a masochist? Or does he enjoy torturing his guests? And why does it taste so hot even when it has gone cold. Strewth, there isn't any water or milk anywhere. I can't speak Japanese! Fuck you, Scoville! I am not going to show weakness to my enemy. I quickly grab a cube of sugar from the ceramic sugar bowl and pop it in my mouth. The pain doesn't go away immediately but it dulls. And once again, I have overcome a powerful enemy.
"What is this anyways?" I said, wiping away tears from my eyes.
"Tofu." Kotomine said.
"Oh." I said. So this is what vegetarians eat instead of meat? I beg your pardon, vegetarians of the world. I used to mock you for being herbivores but now I see that simple meat isn't enough for your leathery tongues. As for me, I think I prefer my bacon just the way it is. Never knew that there were people who actively enjoyed punishing themselves. Besides Puritans but that's a different story."What do you wish for?"
I hit gold. Kotomine shuffles. His entire posture tightens. He was emotionally exposing himself to me before but he seems to be aware of his situation now. Lad, I am not an expert on Catholicism but even I can tell that you need to get yourself to a confessional. Or better yet, a nunnery. Actually, maybe not.
"I know what I wish for. But I do not know whether I should wish for it." Kotomine said.
"That's not much for me to go on if you want me to play the role of the therapist. By the way, does this place remains open until midnight?" I said.
"Yes, it will remain open until then. And I don't know whether I should tell you more about myself. I came to you thinking of you as a kindred spirit but you are not one." Kotomine replied.
"Oi, what do you mean, not a kindred spirit? I may not share many commonalities with you but I go about keeping people out of the reach of Hell and its minions." I said. "And I have had my air share of run ins with Dead Apostles. Actually it was only once but it was a good once." I added. "We share more things in common than many others." I lean forward and look at him in the eyes. "So come clean with me, Kotomine. What's your malfunction?"
"A participant in the War just murdered my father." Kotomine said after a long pause. "He was the mediator of the War. It was his duty to make sure that the War would have remained fair for everyone."
"Well, I am sorry for your loss." I said. I can't imagine being fond of my father. Or anyone being fond of their father at all. "But how does it pertain to the discussion at hand? Are you having second thoughts about the War after his passing?"
"My father forbade me from pursuing the Grail. He believed that it wasn't meant for a man of God like me." Kotomine said. There is something wrong with his statement. He is either lying or holding back a part of the truth.
"And now you are torn between playing the obedient son and the ambitious Master." I conclude. "Well, at least your father can rest easy knowing that his son cares about his instructions so much." Kotomine flinched slightly. It would have passed my notice but he had been sitting so still before that I managed to note it.
"I am not, was not, the best son he could have asked for." Kotomine admitted. Now we are talking. To be fair, most sane men think of the same. Whether they lived up to their father's expectations or not. "The best I can do for him right now is to honor his wishes."
"But at the same time, you really want the Grail." I said, nodding wisely. I can nod very wisely. It's one of my superpowers. How else do you think I manage to win the trust of nuns and prostitutes? And nuns who were former prostitutes? Actually, I haven't met one of those yet. Kotomine doesn't say anything. I suppose this is the part where I push him out of his stroppiness and into helping me.
"The way I see it, you won't respect your father's death by giving up on the Grail." I said. Kotomine stares at me. Stop with that dead fish look, mate! "Your father died at the hands of someone arse who decided to piss on the rules of the War and take the Grail for himself." I pause for emphasis. "Are you going to let that bastard take the Grail or are you going to secure it or yourself?"
"Yes, I suppose." Kotomine mutters.
"Suppose nothing. Right now, you have the power to end the Grail War in a single night. I suggest that you take the opportunity and make the most of it." I told him.
"How?" Kotomine asked, looking quite startled.
"Well, I happen to have the Einzbern woman who functions as the Lesser Grail, as an ally. You happen to have the strongest Servant." I said. "I suggest that we work together and defeat all the other Servants and witness the birth of the Lesser Grail. Should be a nice sight to see anyways." I said. I had seen the Command Spells on Kotomine's hand. It meant that he still had a Servant somewhere. I would assume that it was Archer after all.
"True." Kotomine said. Assumption confirmed then. "But why are you aiding me? Don't you want the Grail yourself?"
"Oh, don't misunderstand, mate." I said, finally giving in to temptation and lighting a fag. The waiter didn't object despite a clear no smoking sign in the shop. "I want the Grail even more than you do. In fact, I fully intend to betray you at some point. I am just willing to cooperate until the Grail comes forth. After that, all is fair game."
"That's a rather blasé statement." Kotomine commented. "How do defeat all the Servants?"
"Well, all you have to do is kidnap the Einzbern woman and make sure everybody gets the message. 'I have the Grail and there is nothing you can do about it.'. If it works well enough, everyone will come running and Archer can pick them off." I said. "But the question is, can you pull it off?" I know he will agree because he is tempted by the Grail. A man can murder his best friend for money, after all. Wishes are better than any amount of money. It was never a question of whether I could convince Kotomine to join my cause. It was just a matter of time.
"How will I find the Lesser Grail?" He asked me.
"I'll make sure to bring her out of hiding somehow. Maybe, I'll challenge some other participant. Is that good enough for you?" I told him. He simply nodded. I should trust him to do that. He managed to track me down to the Emiya Residence after all. It's a good thing he didn't decide to attack us. It was night time and it was within the War's rules to do so. Poor bastard's probably still shook up over his father's death. Can't think straight after all.
"Well, I should get going now." I said. Good riddance to bad tofu. Besides, Saber might start getting worried.
"Constantine," Kotomine says as I am about to leave the shop. "Do angels exist?"
"Well," I pause to think. If I give him a clear cut answer, what would happen? Maybe he is facing a crisis of faith? Maybe he wants to use the Grail as a ticket to Heaven? That won't work out because trying to forcibly ascend the celestial ladder is prone to cause massive disasters. I could lie and say no but I've already brought Islington down once. But since he is asking me about that means that he either didn't see that or doesn't believe that Islington is an angel. "That depends upon your definition of angel, doesn't it? Cheerio, Kotomine, and don't forget to kidnap the Einzbern woman." I answer as neutrally as I can.
I leave Kotomine standing and disappear into the Fuyuki darkness.
This is one of my better chapters in my opinion. Although there is nothing but talk in it and the plan was put together rather hurriedly, it manages to show what kind of people Constantine and Kotomine are.
Just a little note, this chapter takes place a few hours before Chapter Nine and a few hours after Chapter Eight. Achronological order ahoy!
Enjoy!