Disclaimer: If I owned it, Glorfindel would have met the hobbits and Aragorn outside of Rivendell. Not Arwen.
Author's Note: Special thanks to everyone who answered my crack fanfic question and to Triva for a wonderful anon review.
"Just what do you think you're doing in my kitchen, Haldir of Lorien?"
Utterly terrified, Haldir slowly turned to face Bernie. He hadn't spoken to her since the night when she'd spiked his drink and sent him to a sleazy club. Rumil and Orophin had been the ones who talked her into catering. And now, having her see him chasing Keredwel, the very reason they had split up – never mind that he was only trying to keep her from making a scene… The elf exhaled loudly. "Yes?" He was doomed, and he knew it.
For her part, Bernie was doing her best impersonation of a saber-toothed tiger. She bared her teeth in an awful caricature of a smile. Glancing inconspicuously to her left, she saw Collin cowering on the tile behind Sara's legs. Luckily for Collin, the cauldron and the kitchen table both helped to shield him from view. Neither Keredwel nor Haldir could see him.
"Get out of my kitchen, Hal," she warned, adopting a weary tone. "You and your piece. I want you out, now. Unless you want to be the reason half the guests don't get dessert?"
The elf paled. "Bernie . . ."
"Out. And her."
Keredwel turned to Bernie with a regal countenance and supremely arrogant air. "I am looking for Prince Legolas. A reliable source told me he was here."
Rumil, thought Sara, and she fought to hide a grin. She could feel Collin – Legolas? – trembling at the backs of her knees.
Quite fed up with the intruders, Bernie scowled at Keredwel. "The only elves in my kitchen are you two. And trust me, if you don't leave in the next ten seconds, you will regret it. Savvy?"
Haldir nodded. "Come on, Keredwel. Let's go. Legolas isn't here."
"I am NOT leaving!" shrieked Keredwel.
"Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. You'd better hurry up, Haldir!"
"I'm trying, woman!"
"Six. Five. Four. I'm warning you."
"Keredwel!"
"NO!"
"Three. Two. Last chance, Hal."
The former Marchwarden spat out a very nasty word. In a dashing move, he swept Keredwel off her feet and rather less heroically carried her from the kitchen.
"One," Bernie finished to the now-silent room. "D-mn. Now everyone's going to think they're together."
"I'm sorry." Sara stepped away from Collin and jumped up to sit on the kitchen table. "So you're Legolas, huh?"
Collin/Legolas slowly got to his feet. "Yes," he admitted dejectedly.
"Can I proposition you?"
It was a new approach, and that alone made him smile. "For how much?"
"Eighty-nine pence."
Both Bernie and Legolas made disparaging noises.
"Surely I'm worth more than that?" The elf brushed his hair out of his face, revealing a pair of greenish grey eyes dancing with humor.
"I'm broke," Sara explained, grinning openly now. "So, how about it?"
"You aren't serious." It wasn't a question.
Bernie snorted. "Of course she isn't serious."
"Yeah, well, in my experience, you can't always tell." Legolas hopped up onto the table next to Sara. "Nice to finally meet you, Bernie."
The cook raised an eyebrow. "Indeed. And here I thought you were terrified of women. What changed?"
"Therapy," he answered shortly. "Lots and lots of expensive therapy. And then I stopped wasting time and started volunteering in orphanages and things. That really helped. I decided it was way past time I start living again. So here I am."
"But you won't go to the feast."
"Half the time I don't know if the ellyth are real, or if they're one of Them secretly in disguise. At least Sara isn't one of Them."
"You can tell?"
"If anyone has had enough experience to tell, it would be me. Besides, They don't joke about propositioning you. They just try to jump you."
Sara snickered at the casual way he said this.
Frowning slightly, Bernie reminded them, "I hate to end this lovely little conversation, but we've still got 50 plus elves waiting for sorbet. Back to work, people!"
Legolas and Sara got down from the table and returned to their scooping and serving duties respectively. By the time this feast was over, Sara just knew she would have epic biceps – okay, maybe that was more of an unreasonable hope. She had just finished delivering the last few bowls of sorbet when the back door to the kitchen flew open and a herd of people tramped in.
"Bernie! Long time, no see!" Their leader, a brunette woman with bright doe eyes, went straight to the cook and threw an arm around her shoulders. She was followed by two men, one tall and dark, the other slender and fair, both incredibly attractive. Sam and Dean entered behind them, and Finley brought up the rear. All six were clad in dark jeans and leather jackets, like some mini biker gang.
"Faith. Angel. Spike." Bernie greeted the first three newcomers with a nod and a smile. Passing over Fin and the Winchesters, she turned to her helpers. "Sara, Legolas, meet Faith the Vampire Slayer, Angel – wave, Angel – and Spike. Faith and Co., the girl is Sara, and the elf's Legolas."
"Nice to meet you," Sara said, feeling awkward. Faith was every bit as good-looking as she'd feared, and Finley had yet to meet her eyes.
"You the new girl?" There was nothing but friendliness in Faith's smile, but it didn't make Sara feel any better.
"Yeah."
"Welcome to the jungle," Angel, the dark one, grinned.
"Can you cook?" Spike asked, much more to the point.
"Not well," she admitted.
"Pity." The vampire turned to Legolas. "How 'bout you?"
Chuckling, the elf shook his head. "Never been very good at it, I fear."
Sam, Dean, and Fin hovered in the background as the introductions were made. While Dean didn't regret his decision to not get in touch with Sara, he wasn't entirely ready to face her wrath. What with Faith ragging on him half the time and flirting with him the other half, it had been a long week, and Dean honestly could not take much more strange female behavior. As for Sam, having promised nothing explicitly or implicitly, he was off the hook.
Introductions out of the way, Bernie turned to the Winchesters.
"You boys hungry?" she inquired sweetly.
Finley started to wince, but Sam and Dean didn't catch it.
"You know us, Bern. We'll always eat your cooking."
Bernie smiled at Sam, accepting the compliment as her due. "Angel, Spike, there's a new blood cocktail I wanted to get your opinion on. It's in the back fridge with tonight's leftovers."
"And I'm sure Blondie here can show us all where that is. Right, elf boy?" Catching the weird Bernie vibes, Faith took Legolas's hand and pulled him towards the walk-in fridge. Startled by the unexpected contact, Legolas jumped. Faith instantly let go. "Whoa, buddy. You okay?"
Coming up behind them, Dean placed a hand on each of their shoulders. "He's just wise enough to run from you, Faith."
The Slayer threw her head back and laughed. "Nice one, Albuquerque – I mean Dean."
"Come on, you two." Sam joined the party, attempting to herd his brother and Faith to the fridge.
"Let's go, mates," added Spike with a nervous glance over his shoulder at Bernie, who was smoldering silently.
"Don't worry, Legolas. We won't let Faith get you." Finally, the taller vampire managed to get everyone moving, and they all crowded into the walk-in refrigerator.
Back in the main room of the kitchen, Sara and Fin were pointedly not looking at one another. Bernie glared at them both.
"All right, you two," she began when the fridge door shut with a loud click. "We have ten minutes before they start developing hypothermia – five if they realize there aren't forks in that fridge. And who knows when some drunken elf is going to stagger in here asking for lembas . . ."
"Do you have an answer figured out yet?" Fin asked quietly, not taking his eyes off the floor.
A hint of a smirk toyed about the corners of Bernie's mouth. "This year, I'm going to tell them that it's way bread, and they have to go away before I can give it to them."
Finley shook his head. "You're incorrigible."
"No, I just desperately hate having elves traipse all over my kitchen. Especially that ridiculous idiot Keredwel."
He raised his eyebrows. "Keredwel was here?"
"Yup." Sara was done letting them talk without her. "She was hunting for Legolas."
"I assume she failed to find him?"
Bernie sniffed impatiently. "Of course she did. Otherwise he'd be nearly catatonic by now."
"Keredwel's that bad?"
"Sara, Legolas has been the most eligible elven bachelor since the sons of Elrond got engaged to those sisters from New Zealand. His elusiveness has only served to make him even more of a tempting challenge," Fin explained.
"Oh. I thought you'd never met him."
The bartender shrugged. "Hal and his brothers tell a lot of stories."
"And you've gotten drunk together enough to know." Bernie was not even bothering to try to mask her irritation any longer.
Sighing, Finley turned to Sara. "Look, Sara, I'm sorry about the past week. I've been busy. How'd your finals go?"
Sara glanced up and looked at him, strangely disappointed. He'd been busy? That was all she got? No real apology, just a sorry, he'd been busy? Baloney sandwiches. She stared at Fin, wondering if she was truly seeing him for the first time. The glamour of infatuation was fading. In her mind's eye, the girl watched him tumble off a marble pedestal and crash to the floor. Her silly crush was gone, and now she had to deal with Fin the real person, not her idealized version of him.
"They went fine," she answered slowly.
"I'm glad. So, you want to know about the Something Bad?"
"Sure." Why not?
"All right. Just let me go get everyone else so they can help explain it all."
Bernie threw her hands up in the air in defeat. "I'm going to make lembas," she grumbled, annoyed. "If anyone talks to me, I will personally mince them into bits and bake them in pastry."
Angel shut the door to the fridge firmly and whistled softly. The other inhabitants of the fridge looked similarly relieved.
"I didn't know if we were going to get out of there in time."
Legolas looked at Spike questioningly.
"Oh, come on, mate. Surely you could tell Bernie was about to blow?" The vampire started searching the shelves. "Crimson Cocktail, right? It's got to be here somewhere. Angel, help me look."
While the vampires hunted down their bloody beverage, Legolas directed the hunters and Faith to the Tupperware containers full of the feast's leftovers. The humans dug into the grilled chicken breast, lemon pepper asparagus, and fresh sourdough rolls. Not in the least bothered by their lack of silverware, they adapted by using the rolls as napkins. Angel and Spike found two thermoses with their names on them in neatly labeled masking tape. Knowing how much the two hated sharing, Bernie had thought ahead.
"So what was Bernie upset about?" Faith asked at length, reaching for another roll. "I haven't seen her that uptight since Hal cheated on her with Keredwel - her words, not mine."
"Fin," Sam answered shortly around a mouthful of asparagus.
Sinking down to sit on the floor, Faith rolled her eyes. "Got that part, Sammy. But why?"
Dean swallowed before he spoke. "Sara."
"The new girl?" Spike considered this for a moment. "Do they have a thing?"
The Winchesters exchanged looks. Someone was going to have to explain this, and neither of them really wanted to. As playing Rock, Paper, Scissors for it would be a little obvious, they'd better tag team it.
"Not a thing. Not exactly."
Faith tilted her head to the side, confused. "What do you mean, not exactly? Fin isn't the guy for a one-night stand. And it didn't really look like that would be her thing, either."
Choking at the thought of her implication, Sam flushed. "Nothing like that. It's just . . . We think Sara likes Fin, and it kinda seemed like the feeling was mutual."
"And then he went and hunted with us all week and never found time to call. He said it was for her own good."
Angel and Spike winced. They had learned through painful experience what happened when you made decisions for someone else's "own good". Invariably, the person was offended by your highhandedness, and nobody ended up happy.
"Did he now?" Legolas was clearly amused. "Did she contact him?"
"No," Dean replied without having to think much about it. "I don't think she did. Maybe she didn't like him that much, after all."
Being the only woman in the room, Faith felt it her duty to correct him. "When you really like a guy, you don't want to chase him. You want him to chase you."
Spike lifted a scarred eyebrow in amusement. "Since when have you ever let someone chase you, pet?"
"Have you ever liked someone enough to be chased?" Angel teased.
The Slayer shook her head. "Boys, boys. Every girl's got her secrets. And speaking of secrets, how about you, elf boy? What's your story?"
"Me?" Legolas half-wanted to run from those curious brown eyes. He had no doubt whatsoever that in her way, Faith was as dangerous and predatory as one of Them. Probably more so, he amended, remembering that she was a vampire Slayer of all things. Rumil had been right; Bernie did keep the most interesting company. "You sure, Faith? It's a rather long tale."
"We got time. Bernie and Fin are working out their issues. And if we get cold, well," Faith shrugged, "we can always open the door."
Rather relieved that that was her only solution for fending off the cold, Legolas inhaled deeply. He pondered where to begin – before or after the War of the Ring? Then the fridge door opened abruptly, and Finley stuck his head in. The elf fought back a shiver that had nothing to do with the sudden temperature change. There was going to be a story told, all right, but it wouldn't be his.
A/N: Sorry for the delay, but my new job as a hospice aide and college classes intervened. On a good note, I rode my horse bareback without a halter or anything the other day! As always, reviews are appreciated - especially since I've got a hankering to reach 70 with this chapter. Please drop me a line and let me know what you think so far, and what you'd like to see in the future.
Until next time,
AiH