Her phone was a weight the longer it remained in her hand, notifications lighting up the screen every few minutes she left the messages unopened. She watched names appear out of the corner of her eye, predicting each message as she forced herself to shake the hands of men that barely looked her in the eye.
One of them, she knew was from Brennan—no doubt alerting her that he planned to drag Dorian to some ice cream parlor he mentioned earlier in the evening. Another happened to be from Cassandra—either congratulating her on the successful night or passing on the message that she would be going out for drinks and a game of Wicked Grace after cleaning up. Probably both, if Gwyn knew her well enough. The others were from Cullen—one notification after another that had her scanning the remaining groups of people still straggling in the gardens.
She looked for his head of hair away from the gathering, a wave of uneasiness washing over her when he wasn't seen. He left. Her heart thudded as she scanned the gardens once more. Why do I bugger everything up? Curses filled her thoughts momentarily only to be pushed to the side for worse. She stumbled through the 'what if's' and 'well, maybe's' only to feel a light squeeze on her wrist.
"You need a moment?" Josephine's brows knitted together, her thumb creating small circles on Gwyn's skin. She leaned close, taking a moment to wrap an arm around Gwyn's waist and pull her away. "It's been a long night—get some water and catch your breath for as long as you need."
"I'm fine, honestly—"
"Leliana and I are more than capable to handle the rest of the guests. Bull and Krem are already halfway finished cleaning up with the rest of the crew—you're fine. It's perfectly acceptable to take a break. You've already finished the most difficult parts of the night and you didn't even think you could manage that, my friend." She flashed a grin before gently pushing Gwyn forward. "Now go check that phone of yours—you've only been stealing glances at the screen every ten minutes."
She didn't argue. Instead, she found herself sitting on the steps of the gazebo minutes later, her fingers tracing some of the names marked there before fumbling with the screen of her phone.
Her hands were sweating, even trembling as she passed over the kind congratulations she'd predicted from her brother and Cassandra. Her thumb hovered over Cullen's contact photo, eyes darting between the beginning of his messages and the soft stare of his picture.
She held her breath, thumb pressing down a little too hard on his projected name to reveal the rest of his texts.
[10:47 PM] You were fantastic, Gwyn. Can't say I'm too surprised—always knew you could draw people in with your words.
[10:47 PM] Think I'll call it a night—had some unwanted attention and it was a bit too much for me, I'm afraid. But you looked beautiful, truly.
[10:48 PM] I still want to talk about…Maker, just about everything. When you're ready, of course. If I don't talk to you later, I hope you have a good night and at least get some rest.
Beautiful. There was that word again.
Her eyes drifted to the railing of the gazebo, her fingers running over the names carved there. Each one jagged, whether they were big or small. She couldn't stop her tongue from darting over her lips, trying to conjure the taste that Cullen's lips had left hours ago. Frosting. Sweet and light on her tongue. A hint of strawberries.
Her fingers brushed against the smile growing on her lips, her eyes falling on a small, blank section of wood on the railing just above where she sat.
Would Cullen want to carve their names?
Her skin prickled at the thought. Yet, the question was almost laughable. They'd only kissed, but that was the tradition. Wasn't it? Share your first kiss there and receive Andraste's Blessing?
No. Of course not.
Gwyn reread the messages, nerves bubbling the more she turned his words over and over in her mind. He wanted to talk. That was a good sign, wasn't it? She scrolled through his three messages with one thumb, her teeth gnawing on the nail of the other all the while.
She frowned, her stomach twisting at the realization she'd have to respond. Maker, what would she even say? I like you, how you make me feel, and the way you kiss, please don't stop being my friend if-no, when I disappoint you?
"Something on your mind, Gwyneth?"
She winced at the name, looking up to greet her sister's face. The corner of Mariana's lips lifted as she leaned against the wood of the gazebo, sharp nails picking at the paint.
"I didn't realize you were still here, Mariana." Gwyn frowned as she brought herself to her feet, realizing she had gone the whole night without even speaking to her. A tinge of guilt settled under her skin. "Tonight's been…so long. I'm sorry I haven't even taken the time to welcome you back."
She eyed her sister's emerald dress, wanting to hate it. It was too formal for the event- too elegant, too flashy. The truth was that every part of it enhanced Mariana's figure, from the material hugging her hips to the slit that showed off her long legs. "You look beautiful."
Mariana blinked, ignoring the compliment, as her green eyes fell to the railing in front of her. "It's unfortunate," she whispered. Mariana picked at the carvings further, letting out a soft sigh. "That this is the life you've chosen. Shoddy school. Less than respectable peers-"
"Chosen?" Each word seemed to suck the air from Gwyn's lungs. She gripped her phone tighter, wishing the object would ground her somehow. Pressure built up inside of her the longer she kept quiet. It bubbled under her skin, tears threatening to rise at the prickling of conflict. She swallowed, forcing herself to keep the tears buried deep. "Have...have I done something, Mariana?"
She snorted, the sound a blade to the air between them. "Have you taken a good look at your friends, Gwyneth? We're Trevelyans. Some of us, anyway." She brushed flecks of paint from her fingers. "I won't even get started on the lyrium addict."
Gwyn stilled at the words, her heart lodged somewhere in her throat. "Don't."
"Excuse me?" Mariana stopped picking at the name Fenris, her eyes snapping towards Gwyn. "That's what he is. Don't do him any disservice by pretending he's anything more."
Gwyn's hands shook, heat boiling under her skin as she lifted herself to her feet. Her fingers tightened around her phone still, fearing it would only fall and shatter hanging there- a precarious thought that pulled her steps away from her step-sister. "Don't you dare pretend to know him. Cullen is my friend. I care for him more than-"
Mariana's eyes widened before a loud laugh left her lips. "Friend? You can be friends with a donkey but it doesn't change the fact it's an ass. I told him as-"
"Told him?" Gwyn's heart pounded in her ears, her hands shaking. Unwanted attention. "What did you tell him?"
She picked flecks of paint from underneath her nail. "I simply reminded him what he is."
"Y-you didn't." Gwyn's heart sank, her skin growing hot. Her voice shook as tears spilled down her cheeks, helpless and angry. "How dare you. He's so much more than that."
"Oh, don't be so dramatic. Besides, you'd have to be daft to not realize he sees you as less than a friend. You're no different than the lyrium he probably hides. You are merely an object. A prize to be won and made a fool of just like before-"
"Mariana-" Her voice rose, and Gwyn fought the urge to run.
"With Aidan." The name hung in the air, a biting reminder that had Gwyn's hand flying to the scar on her jawline. Mariana took a step forward, her thin fingers reaching for Gwyn's face. "You're too naive to realize that Cullen will leave-"
"I want you to leave." Gwyn pushed Mariana's hand away, taking another breath to steel herself. She set her jaw, staring directly into her step-sister's darkened eyes. "Now."
"There you go again-"
Gwyn shook her head. "Leave. I may be used to being your punching bag. But you don't get to do this- certainly not to Brennan when he's finally happy and healthy. And not to Cullen when he's made so much progress and he's trying so hard every day just to cope. He's made mistakes and working through them as best as he can. He's a good friend, a good man. I would be..." She paused, eyes falling to a blank spot on the railing before darting back to Mariana. "I would be lucky to have even a fraction of his affections. And this shoddy school? There's no place I'd rather be."
"Gwyneth-"
"Maker, aren't you tired? I know I am. For as long as I can remember I've been vying for the approval of you and your mother and wondered what more I could do to try to repair our family. My father- who is the one who cheated, not Brennan or I, mind you- would ask us to be kinder and I'd do it only to be met with sneers a-and abuse time and time again." Gwyn shook, fingers trembling further as she wiped her cheeks and turned her back on her sister. "Go back to Ostwick and tell your mother that I acted out or whatever you want. I don't care, but leave Brennan, Cullen, and my friends out of your schemes."
Gwyn didn't look back as she walked back to her apartment. Instead she looked up, searching the sky for the stars as a hand instinctively raked through the loose curls of her hair. The darkened sky once lit with dozens among dozens of stars had become filled with clouds, a grey film blocking each constellation.
It seemed apt that the sky would look as weighted with darkness as Gwyn felt with Mariana's words. Even as she made it inside the stairwell of her building, each step felt heavier than the last. She tapped her fingers on her phone's back, her front teeth worrying at her bottom lip all the while.
She wanted to talk to Cullen, to apologize for Mariana and for muddling his night. She wanted to hear his voice or see his face and know that Mariana didn't take something from him. Hope was hard enough to scramble for on a daily basis.
The idea that Mariana could take that from him, that she could systematically dislodge weeks or months of progress with just the venom of a few words? Gwyn wiped her face with the palm of her hand at the thought. No one deserved that.
Maker, what if he changed his mind after sending those texts and didn't want to her see her tonight? Let alone talk to her? What if he was asleep when she called? She bit the inside of her cheek, fingers still tapping against her phone's case. She'd call tomorrow morning. No, before bed.
It wasn't until she reached her floor, fumbling to unlock her phone, that she realized she'd missed a text from Cullen.
[11:03 PM] Do me a favor, if you don't mind. Go home first when you've finished at the banquet. Change into something more comfortable (if you want), and get that pint of ice cream I know you're keeping hidden away out before you come over. The bet? If you look at the stars tonight, I'm confident you'll see Fervenial. I'll collect whenever you're ready
She stared at his message as she walked down the hall, unable to stop the smile growing on her lips. She paused outside her door, letting her shoulder rest against its frame as she typed out a response.
[12:03 AM] I'm afraid the clouds didn't catch wind of your Fereldan confidence tonight. More cookie dough for me. :)
Was the smile emoji too much? Did his message mean he'd be waiting for her? Maker, what if he'd given up and already gone to sleep by now? She reread her own message, hesitating for only a moment as her finger hovered over the 'send' button.' Holding her breath, she watched it appear in the bubble before her.
The door to Gwyn's apartment unlocked with a click, and she wondered if he was even awake across the hall. She imagined him sitting at his desk, tired eyes pouring over articles and documents. She thought of his brow furrowed in concentration, while his glasses slid down the slope of his nose until he pushed them up in frustration with a low growl.
Her phone buzzed as she opened her bedroom door.
[12:05 AM] It's still early.
[12:05 AM] It's midnight, Cullen. Plus, you know I have this entire pint to eat.
[12:06 AM] Early.
[12:06 AM] And, if I may be so bold, I wouldn't claim that pint quite yet.
She grinned, her body relaxing at the familiar tone of Cullen's texts. Things were still the same. Well, as much as they could be. But there was still so much to talk about.
It wasn't until her phone dimmed that she noticed the soft glow reflected on the darkened screen. She looked up, letting out a soft gasp at the scene above her.
Dozens upon dozens of plastic glow-in-the-dark stars covered her ceiling. Each one strategically placed to create a map of several constellations. Gwyn's eyes darted over the stars, wanting to take in every cluster created. The arches of Solium began at her door while smaller stars swirled around the image and led to the hilt of Judex.
Her heart thudded the longer she studied the curves of Equinor above her desk. She dipped her head back, wanting to take it all in at once. Each constellation was in its rightful place- a map spread across each corner of her bedroom. Except one. Fervenial was not in the far corner of the room near the wings of Draconis where she expected to find it. Instead its branches stretched just over the head of her pillow- each star meticulously placed in her personal sky.
She swallowed, her throat thick with questions and emotions boiling inside of her. Heat crept up her cheeks as she craned her neck further, blinking away the beginning of tears. How did he do this? When did he do this?
It couldn't have been Cullen No. Brennan, perhaps. He and Dorian left the banquet early. They'd have had plenty of time. Or maybe Cassandra? She was the only one with a key.
She chewed her lip, stopping its wobble as she stared. It didn't make sense. People didn't do things like this. Why would Cullen? She had too many scars. Was too quiet. Maker, she could hardly bring herself to look anyone in the eye, even if he was one of the few people she wanted to look at.
He was probably just being kind. After all, there was a sliver of truth to Mariana's words about her. People didn't stay for her. Aidan didn't. They got want they wanted out of her and moved on. They left.
Right, kind. Just a simple thing among friends. The kiss was…well, it was her fault. A random impulse just to know for a second of what it'd be like to be wanted by someone. By him. But he didn't regret it.
Her eyes studied Fervenial, at the lines creating the length of its trunk and each crooked branch. His touch was in every piece of plastic stuck to her ceiling, every pattern. They were all for her.
And she didn't regret it either.
Her hands shook, fingers fumbling with her phone to type out a response to Cullen before she realized she was backing out of her room with every backspace and pause. She crossed the living room, her flats slipping off her feet and heart pounding wildly with each step. She stopped at her front door, hand resting on the cool metal. The pads of each finger tap, tap, tapped against it, her breath labored as she rested her forehead against the wood.
She wanted to be brave, to ignore the crippling thoughts that poked and prodded in the back of her mind. As if worry could somehow be stripped. A layer of clothing shed, packed away, and forgotten.
Frozen at the door, the taste of strawberries lingering on lips and widened smiles swirled in her mind. She liked the feel of Cullen's hands- every rough callous somehow softened against her cheek. His thumb covered up-no, traced her scar as if he wanted to memorize the jagged edges, or an act he may not get to do again. His laughter low in her ear, and her name soft on his lips- always careful and sincere.
She wanted more. Of that intimacy. Of the buzz that vibrated throughout her body with every touch, with the way he kissed her.
A trembling hand turned the knob as she forced herself to pull her forehead off the wood. No more mucking about. Clammy fingers threw the door open only to be met with Cullen staring back at her, his eyes wide.
"Gwyn." Heat rose to his cheeks as he lifted a hand to his neck, fingers massaging the skin until he pulled his phone from his pocket. He rocked on his heels. "I meant to call or text before I came over. I did. I hope I don't seem too foolish, but I wanted to-"
"I'm sorry."
Cullen swallowed, his eyes falling to the floor. "Forgive me. If I've been too forward-"
"No! That's not what I...I don't...Mariana said things and then the stars..." Gwyn reached for his arm before allowing her fingers to slide down towards his hand. Caution filled each movement as her fingers held his palm- a tentative dance over whether or not to weave her fingers with his. Tears threatened to already spill, so she closed her eyes, letting out a slow breath before her own gaze fell to her feet. "Ho-how do you feel?"
He stiffened at Mariana's name, enough to make Gwyn's eyes flit towards his. Her thumb brushed his palm before he squeezed her hand back, his free hand moving to her cheek. He pulled away momentarily, and Gwyn wasn't sure if it was out of nerves or because he didn't feel the same way. It wasn't until he lifted her chin, brows furrowing as he searched her face, that tears streamed down her face. "What did she say to you?"
"I should be asking you that," Gwyn murmured.
"Always worrying about me." The corner of his lips rose before he shook his head. "It was nothing I haven't heard or told myself in the past."
"It doesn't make it okay." She sucked in a breath as she wove her fingers with his and sighed at another squeeze of his hand. "I think you can let me worry about you a little."
"Yes, well…" He grew quiet for a moment, his body relaxing as his thumb wiped away a tear. "I feel fine, but I'm much more concerned about you, if that answers your question."
It wasn't all she meant when she'd asked. Did he know? Maker, of course he didn't. Every thought that coursed through her mind was riddled with those "if's" and "probably's" that she could barely see past them. What if he didn't feel the same way? What if he left? No. He wouldn't- he gave her the stars, he kissed her back, and he said he didn't regret it. But. There was that word. But what if she'd assumed far too much?
She searched for something to say, opening her mouth to begin one question after another only to falter. It wasn't until she glanced back at her bedroom and eyed the soft glow coming from her ceiling. "The stars."
Confusion etched on Cullen's face, his throat dry. "Gwyn?"
The question fought to be asked, boiling from deep inside her until it bubbled to the surface. "Did you...wasityou?" She held her breath, longing for that piece of affirmation that she wasn't reading into things. That this wasn't too much to wish for. It dangled there on that edge, that daunting precipice where the two of them were constantly orbiting one another and destined to collide. That place where hope and agony met.
The tips of Cullen's ears reddened as he nodded. "I saw them and thought you'd appreciate them. Your own piece of the sky." He looked away, his free hand flying back to his neck. "Was it too much? Should I not have-"
"I love it."
"Really?" He spluttered, lifting his gaze back at her. His eyes flickered with surprise as the corners of his lips rose, and she nodded, wishing she wasn't feeling everything with the look he gave her- joy, relief, hope, worry, and fear.
"Everything was in its rightful place, but Fervenial was put right above my head." She blinked hard, each word catching as tears streamed down her cheeks. "It's my favorite."
Cullen swallowed thickly, his voice cracking a little as his hand squeezed hers. "I know."
"I don't know what to say. No one...no one's done something like this for me before."
No one had really listened. She closed her eyes once more, biting down on her lip at the questions still swarming her mind. She turned from him, torn between not wanting to see pity on his face and not wanting to let go of his hand. Not wanting to let go of the idea of more between them. Instead she led him into her room, her eyes clinging to the stars there as if they were bits of reason and logic to outshine her overwrought fears.
"Gwyn?" She faced him, allowing his thumb to trace her scar while worried eyes studied her. Ask him. Six words. Just ask him. Be brave like you were in the gazebo.
"Ho-how do you feel...about me?" Every nerve in her body screamed for her to turn away again. To run. To apologize for even asking. Maker, for even holding his hand when he might have wanted to let go for ages now. Cullen's jaw was set, and Gwyn's heart almost sank to the carpet floor. Say something, she begged.
Cullen ran his fingers through her hair, the expression on his face unreadable to Gwyn the longer she looked. Fear? Her heart pounded as he curled loose strands of brown behind the shell of her ear and she felt as if waves of electricity were binding her to this very spot. Frozen in time and place, Gwyn searched Cullen's face. He swallowed, the sound audible as his eyes refused to leave hers.
"I have come to care about you a great deal." His voice was hoarse, his thumb moving down the line of her jaw and settling on her chin. "Our friendship is and has been of the greatest importance to me, and I wouldn't want to sacrifice for anything. That's the absolute truth. But I…I would be a poor liar if I said I hadn't considered more."
Gwyn couldn't quite process the words, but she blinked, leaning further into his touch. "O-oh."
"If I was truly honest, I...well, I would tell you that I think of little else than you and your happiness," he admitted, his voice low. A shade of red began to tinge his cheeks, and Gwyn could feel the soft thuds of his pulse quickening along with hers just underneath her fingertips. How long had he felt this way?
"So when I told you to kiss me, how...how long-" She shook the thought away. It was too presumptuous. Too fairy tale. Too...impossible.
Yet a broad smile filled his face, the scar near his lip wrinkling as he blushed further. "Far longer than I care to admit. There were-Maker- so many moments where I should have told you, where I wanted to tell you-"
Without warning, Gwyn let go of his hand and grabbed at the collar of his shirt, pulling him down until her nose collided with his chin. He hissed, sucking in a breath as Gwyn groaned at the contact.
"Fuck!"
"Are you alright?" Cullen asked, quick to inspect Gwyn's nose before wrapping his arms around her. He cupped the back of her head, nestling her underneath his chin.
"Fine," Gwyn said, the word muffled against his chest. Of course she'd bugger it up. He chuckled, the sound a low rumble in his chest before she felt him kiss her head.
"Do you believe cursing after we kiss will become a habit of yours or will it just be these first ones?" His words were quiet, each one careful with a hint of a smile she imagined was hiding in the corner of his lips. She looked up at him, wanting to lose herself in the crooked closed-lip smirk, if it were somehow possible.
A habit. The word took her by surprise the more she repeated it to herself. It was the implication behind it, and the overwhelming shroud of more that loomed in each letter. She grew quiet, her fingers fidgeting with the material of his shirt as she imagined the possibility of that future-their future. Whatever it would be. But for this brief moment, she didn't want to drown in the unknown variables. Just Cullen.
"I'll try not to make the cursing a habit," she said, her voice low.
"Yes, well. I don't mind too terribly as long the possibility of future kisses still exists." One of his hands cupped her neck, his thumb gently running over her jawline, while the other moved to her waist. He moved closer, tilting her chin as his forehead pressed against hers. She wanted to swim in his eyes with the way that the plastic stars glowed in them. She stared at his lips, watching as he let out a breath and wondering if he still tasted of strawberries all these hours later."I want to...if you want to...I'd very much like to kiss you again."
She nodded twice, wondering if it was too eager, too much, and swallowed the lump forming in her throat. Her fingers wound in the material of his shirt as she moved closer, her knees trembling. "I...I'm still here."
"So you are." His nose brushed against her own, nuzzling it for a moment until finally closing the space between their lips. The kiss was warm and soft at first, tender and careful until he deepened it, allowing it to become more insistent as his fingertips disappeared in the soft curls of her hair. She smiled against his mouth, bursting at the seams with joy and deep satisfaction when the tip of her tongue swiped against his bottom lip in an act of boldness and she swore he let out a soft groan.
But she was wrong- he didn't just taste like strawberries. The juices lingered there, yes. Slightly sweet to the point of wanting more, of falling in love with the taste and and being sucked in by the smell. But the longer he kissed her back, she was tasting something cosmic.
There had always been constellations dancing in his eyes when she least expected it. Like when he concentrated during a chess game, hands propped under his chin and his brows furrowing until a smirk formed on his lips. His eyes would rise to meet hers and, in the softness of that gold, they flickered. It was a cluster of stars burning, and holding her attention in the simplest of ways, but-Maker- she swore she felt them on his tongue the very second it touched hers. Warm and incandescent.
Cullen tasted of rays of light, incredible and bright. More than that, he had her seeing stars every second his mouth remained on hers. They pierced through the darkness behind her lids, glowing brighter and brighter as a soft moan escaped her lips. Embarrassment prickled there at the back of her mind, along with the idea that this- him, the wanting, the more- could end all too easily. She pushed the thoughts back, envisioning them dimming one by one, and pulled him closer. One of her hands traveled up the span of Cullen's shirt to rest at the back of his neck, her fingers burying themselves in his hair just as she'd done hours ago at the gazebo.
Stay, she wanted to whisper when she finally forced herself to break the kiss. Just stay. Please. But the words remained caught in the back of her throat, her lips tingling slightly as Cullen pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"There is something I need to tell you," he said, his voice low. She could feel him smile against her cheek, the corner of his lips curling upwards until he pressed another kiss there. It was quick, but she pulled away after to meet his gaze. There, underneath the sky he'd created for her, he was staring directly at her.
"Wh-what's that?" Her eyelids fluttered, frantic to capture this moment somehow. She wanted to paint every detail from the way the point of Judex lit up the gold flecks of his eyes to how the hair her fingers were buried in were small, soft curls. She wanted to remember that Cullen tasted of bright and star-filled skies. His tongue was of a certain kind of heat and things unknown, and for the first time she wanted nothing more than to dive into that.
"That I...I believe you owe me a pint of ice cream." He studied her, a smile hidden in the corner of his lips before they brushed against hers once more. It was much too brief for either of their liking, but Gwyn still tasted him all the same.
A corner of their universe...and a hint of strawberries.
A/N: *waves* FINALLY, RIGHT?
It's been a while, hasn't it?
I just wanted to apologize for the lack of an update. There's been a lot of things going on in my life that I've been dealing with and a lot of personal changes I've been slowly working through. One thing after another kept getting in my way, whether it was depression, school, moving back to the US from Japan, or just other personal things that has had me taking a step from fandom and such in general to work on myself.
Anyway, regardless, I was personally touched by some of the comments left on here and I truly appreciated them more than I can possible convey. They inspired me to pick this chapter back up and peck away at it some more. I am beyond grateful for all of your kind words. Seriously. I came back to them any time I was struggling these last couple days as I've worked on this chapter. Thank you guys so, so much for sticking around for it, and I hope you enjoy it! 3
Oh. Before I forget...I recently switched blogs on tumblr. I'm now at greythewardens in case you wanted to see art from the fic or to simply say hi.
(forewarning: I'll be slowly coming back from a hiatus on there, and may not answer right away. But please know I appreciate your words nonetheless! 3)