Chapter Fourteen – How To Move Forward
Hotch pushed open the heavy glass doors of the BAU and stepped inside watching the unusually high level of activity that went alone with a case like this. He allowed his eyes to sweep the room and track all of his team. He could see Morgan, Rossi and Reid through the glass of the round table room, Garcia was on the catwalk with Agent Parsons from team three and it looked like the only ones missing at the moment were Emily and JJ, which he found strange in and of itself, even more so since this was Emily's file. She should have been right there in the thick of things.
Granted, he was later that he normally would be. He and Haley had to take Jack in for another visit to his doctor and it was something he had promised both Haley and himself that he wouldn't forget this time, as he had so many others in the past and it was a promise he managed to keep. Unfortunately that put him not arriving at the BAU until almost ten in the morning.
He felt a little guilty about that, because he knew how important this case was to Emily and he wanted to be here for it from beginning to end. After a moment he pushed that thought down, she would have kicked his ass for even thinking it. Often times she was the one who had pushed him to form a stronger friendship with his ex-wife and to be more active in Jack's life, reminding him when there was something he was going to forget about, like a doctor's appointment, as he often did with his over-crowded mind.
Something he was, in the end, much better for having and was also intensely grateful for. If it hadn't been for Emily, he wasn't too sure where he would be standing with Haley, but he could bet that it wouldn't be nearly as amicable as it was now.
JJ came barreling through the doorway and he almost didn't catch her as she wheeled past him, going as fast as she could.
"JJ?" His voice caught her attention and she spun around. When she looked at him her face dropped and he had to wonder at the look. He gave another glance about the room before he finally questioned her. "Where's Prentiss?"
JJ started to say something but stopped, looking around her. She tipped her head towards his office and headed up the stairs without a backwards glance.
He gave her a short glare at her lack of response and then shrugged his shoulders as he headed up, he would find out soon enough.
When Aaron stepped into his office, JJ was in the middle of the room, wringing her hands but didn't seem inclined to say anything.
"Where's Emily?" His voice had grown softer as his concern increased.
"The Ambassador had a heart attack last night; she's in critical but stable condition in New York. She was in surgery most of the night." Now he understood why she pulled him into his office before she spoke.
Hotch opened his mouth to say something and JJ rushed to cut him off, her words coming out in a jumble, almost seeming to fear his response. "She was here this morning, waiting to tell you. Strauss found her about eight o'clock and authorized her leave so she could go without waiting for you to come in." She paused for a breath and her brow furrowed in thought. "She's really kind of a mess."
Aaron's eyes lost focus as he looked through JJ for several moments before shaking off what he was thinking or in this case, not thinking. "Does the rest of the team know?"
"Yes, Dave said he was with her most of the morning. I have no idea when Emily got here but she'd been here a while, Dave was sitting with her when I came in, just before she left." JJ's brow furrowed again as she looked at him and he could see the unasked question in her eyes. A part of him wondered if there was an accusation in her eyes, asking him why he would leave Emily sitting here alone, asking why didn't Emily just call him to tell him what was going on? Rather than making her say it right out, he just passed her his phone.
"I need a new one; can you get Garcia on that for me and see if she can dump my voice mail to the office phone?" He closed his eyes briefly, fearing what Emily had to be thinking right now when he hadn't returned her calls, if she had even tried to call. And with him staying in Falls Church with Haley she wouldn't have gotten him at home either. "I need a moment and then I'll be right in."
JJ nodded her head and moved towards the door. She stopped briefly in front of him, resting her hand on his arm. He could tell there was something else she wanted to say but didn't know how. Aaron gave her a short nod in acknowledgment and she moved off, leaving him with his raging thoughts.
His first impulse was to run from the building, to go and find her, to be with her and it took several deep breaths to hold the need down. He thought about his phone dying and the timing of Jack's appointment and realized that his luck couldn't be any worse. He hoped and prayed she remember the appointment, that she didn't think he was intentionally ducking her calls. Things had been so tense with them lately and he had no idea anymore how she would perceive his silence.
Aaron closed his hand in a fist and came to a decision… Not really a decision so much as acceptance of what he already knew. He looked back out the window of his office, at the flurry of people moving about and knew that he needed to stay here. Even if he desperately wanted to leave, could make himself leave, this is where Emily would expect him to be, taking care of the team and her case.
There wasn't much he could do for her at the moment but this case, with or without her presence in the field was one that would make her career and he would make sure everything went off without a hitch. She had laid all the groundwork for them; all they had to do was follow her lead and not mess anything up.
But that didn't mean that he didn't have time for one thing first. With that thought in mind he turned back to his desk, picked up his phone and quickly dialed the familiar number of her personal cell phone.
Emily curled up in the chair by her mother's bed and looked at the older woman, feeling as if she was seeing her for the first time. For as long as she could remember her mother had always been strong and imposing, larger than life. And now, here she was, in a bed that seemed to amplify her small stature and Emily felt as though her world had tilted on its axis. Ambassador Prentiss was the only family she had left and the thought that her mother might not recover made her feel like a lead weight had settled in her chest.
Their relationships hadn't always been as strained as it was now. At one time they were like any other mother and daughter. Emily couldn't even really pinpoint when that had changed but she could still remember the woman that Elizabeth Prentiss was, just her mom, not the ever imposing Ambassador and she felt a sudden terror that she might never get to see her mom again, that it was truly too late to fix the relationship they once had.
She didn't know how to deal with this, not with her mother. As the subtle desperation settled in her chest she realized that she needed to get out of this room and maybe get a little bit of fresh air, calm her frayed nerves and maybe find enough focus to remain calm till the doctors came into see her in the morning. Earlier that afternoon they had told her that they would have a much better idea of her prognosis after the first 24 hours had passed. And she knew that all the worrying in the world wasn't going to change what they had to say.
Emily unfurled her body from her position next to the bed and headed out of the room, grabbing her cell and change as she did. With one last glimpse at the monitors, just to reassure herself that her mother was still stable she headed out of the room in search of coffee and a little space.
As she passed the nurses' station she quietly let them know she was headed across the street for a cup of coffee at the all night coffee house that catered to the hospital staff. She smiled halfheartedly at the sympathetic looks and the promise to call her phone if anything changed before she returned.
As Emily passed through the front door of the hospital she sucked in a deep breath of cold air and felt it's bracing effects pushing the last vestiges of fatigue from her mind. Pulling her jacket tighter around her, she started the trek across the street, flipping her phone open and turned it back on, watching the display as it loaded.
Once she made it into the coffee shop she relaxed her frame and allowed some of the tension to creep out of her, just being away from the antiseptic smell of her mother's hospital room was enough to ease the constant flow of adrenaline she had rushing through her blood since she received the call last night.
Emily ordered her cup of coffee before pulling her phone back out and checking for messages. On the screen were several texts from the team, checking to see how she was, if she needed anything and just generally worrying over her; but nothing from Hotch, just a single voice message. She diligently replied to each text message, telling them what she knew, which was damn little, before moving on to the voice message. She pressed the button to receive and held the phone up to her ear as she took a sip of her hot coffee.
She closed her eyes at the first sound of his voice and allowed the remaining tension to flow from her frame as his words flowed over her. Allowing his voice to sooth her as it had so many times in the past few months.
"Emily…"
There was a slight longing he couldn't quite mask but his voice broke on her name, like he wasn't sure what to say now that he was on the phone.
"I'm sorry I never got your call, my cell died on me yesterday and Garcia's going to get me a new one, although I don't think I'll have it until we get back from Harrisburg."
Aaron let out a deep sigh and it was quiet for several moments before he continued.
"If you need anything, anything at all from me, call JJ or Dave and they'll pass of their phones to me, so you can reach me… for anything… even if it's just to talk."
He took another deep breath and she could tell that whatever he was going to say was a risk for him. His voice, his tone was much softer when he finally spoke.
"I'm sorry I'm not there with you and I know things are a bit of a mess with us at the moment. But I just really…"
He cleared his throat and was stronger sounding with his next line but she could still hear the warmth in his voice.
"You know what… this can wait till you come home. If you have to, call my desk. I'll be checking in from time to time. Don't worry about things here with us; we'll make sure everything goes according to plan. Please take care of yourself and try not to worry too much. I'll see you when you come home."
She blinked back the tears in her eyes as she hung up her phone and set it down on the table in front of her, staring at it, willing it to be him in front of her instead of her phone. But with a sigh she pushed that thought away. If he did that, if he was there with her and not working on the case it would take away all of the things that made him who he was, made him the man that she loved.
In that moment she realized that nothing mattered.
All of it was absolute crap, everything she believed she heard, all the misunderstandings from the last few weeks. It meant nothing and as soon as she got back she was going to sit down and talk with her friend. She would finally stop ducking him, like she had been doing for the last two weeks and find out what was going on with him, what he was thinking, what he wanted.
Everything finally out in the open.
Because if there was one thing that phone call told her it was above everything else, he was still her friend.
And she missed him.
Hotch pulled his overcoat around his slim frame, trying to protect himself from the slight breeze. Even though winter was waning there was still a notable chill that lingered in the air. Bracing himself with one hand he slowly he eased himself down onto the steps and let out a weary breath at how tired he was feeling lately, how old.
This last week had been one that he didn't want to have to repeat any time again in the future. Everything went off without a hitch just as Emily had predicted but her lack of presence, especially when it was a case that she had spent so much of the prep time working on, made it feel like the team was missing a vital limb, one that it couldn't do without.
That said nothing of what it was making him feel personally.
He could hear the movements inside the house as Haley settled Jack into bed for the night and for the first time in a long time; the noises brought him no comfort. After having missed their usual Sunday morning breakfast this past week, he had dropped in after the jet returned in the hopes of getting to spend a little time with his son.
He was welcomed, as always, but his mind was on other things and that kept him distracted for most of the night. His mind kept flitting back to the message that Emily had left for him on his office phone. It was relatively short and brief, just letting him know that she was okay and thanking him for worrying about her. But there was something lingering in her voice, something he couldn't name, and that left him feeling unsettled and afraid of what would happen when she came home.
The only consolation that he had was that she didn't call anyone else, except when she tried to get ahold of him the day before. She spoke with Dave just long enough to pass on the message that she would be back at work by Monday and that her Mother was recovering just fine.
Jack never noticed his preoccupation throughout the night, but Haley did and he was hoping that this wasn't going to turn into an argument.
As the door opened and then softly closed behind him he knew that there was little chance of that happening. Haley never took it well when his work followed him home but in this instance, he didn't know what to say to her, to assure her that it wasn't work this time, without coming across callous or cold.
Aaron kept looking forward as she settled herself on the step next to him, as if by looking at her would be tempting fate. For a long time they sat in a companionable silence but he could feel the tension in the air and felt jumpy waiting for the other shoe to fall.
She turned to face him, drawing his attention to her before she started to speak. "You didn't have to come tonight. He would have been okay if you'd waited till Sunday like normal."
"I know."
Haley hesitated a moment, unsure if she should start this conversation. "You could have gone to see Emily instead, it would have been okay. I wouldn't have held it against you."
Hotch's eyes slammed open and his head snapped towards her before he could control the impulse. He opened his mouth to say something but his jaw snapped shut when he realized for the first time in a long time, she had managed to shock him.
For several moments they just observed each other. When the tension grew too thick he spoke in a voice just above a whisper. "How did you know?"
"I know your faces Aaron, all of them, and this one is not your 'work is bothering me' face. This one is worried for a loved one. After talking to JJ on Monday when I tried to call you, it seemed a logical assumption." She gave him a slightly pitying look, like he should have figured it out on his own.
He tended to forget about how long they had been together sometimes, and in the end, how well she really did know him.
"She's still in New York, with the Ambassador." Aaron turned away and looked back out to the dead street, hoping that would be the end of the conversation.
"And?" she drew out the word as if she was expecting something more.
Hotch did his best not to let the annoyance creep into his voice, "And what Haley?"
"Why are you here? New York is not that far away and you already told me the team was on stand down till Monday. So why not be there?"
"It's complicated."
She let out an indelicate snort, "Aaron, with you, everything is complicated."
"I don't want to argue with you Haley." he ground out in reply.
"And I'm not trying to, but you always do this."
"And what precisely I'm I doing?"
"Avoiding and complicated is always your excuse."
"Haley…" He found his annoyance ratcheting up. She was far to calm about this conversation and he was waiting for the fireworks that had always come in the last few years, every time they attempted to talk about anything.
"You say it's complicated. So how is it complicated?"
Hotch pursed his lips and looked at his ex-wife. This moment was more than a little surreal for him to be sitting here with her asking questions that would lead to a discussion about his current love interest… or at least the woman he was in love with.
Then again, Haley always was a little bit different from the other people he knew and that was one of the reasons why he liked her as much as he did. And while he was no longer in love with her that affection was still there.
After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he figured that it couldn't hurt. It was obvious that she already knew what was going on with him so it's not like the conversation would shock her and he had tried to figure out a way out of his problems with Emily on his own and still hadn't had much luck.
Aaron turned on the step so that he was partially facing her, leaning back on the railing before telling her about the last six months. She was attentive and listened to everything that he said and for the first time in longer than he cared to remember it felt like he was connecting with her, and remarkably over another woman.
As he finished Haley slapped her hands down on her thighs and grinned at him. "It's simple. Go and talk to her."
"I've tried that and she's not talking."
"But how hard did you really try?" When he just gave her a blank look she tried to smile, to soften the blow of her next sentence. "How hard did you try to talk to her? Or did you do what you always do, meet a little resistance and shut down."
She could see him getting annoyed with her again and put her hand on his arm to preventing him from getting up and walking away. "You are so strong and so capable in everything you do but when it comes to this type of thing, personal relationships, you have always taken the path of least resistance. You have for as long as I have known you, with me, with your Mother, with Sean. If you want this to be different you need to push."
Aaron felt his body collapse at the truth in her words. "And what happens if I push and all it does is pushes her away?"
"Well, it's a small consolation but in the end you will at least know that it was her choice and not because you didn't try."
"Why?" He couldn't for the life of him imagine what had spurred on this conversation or why she was taking it as well as she was.
She didn't even hedge or pretend what the question was about. "Because Aaron…" she took a deep breath before she continued, "right from the first day I met you, you were my friend, above all else and you will always be my friend."
Haley folded her hands in her lap and looked out across the quiet street. "What we had is over and now that some time has passed I can see that it's not really a bad thing. We both grew to want different things from life. But that doesn't mean that I want to see you unhappy. And I think… Emily might just make you happy, in a way that I never could. She understands your world in a way that few people can so if you can find a connection with her… I say go for it."
With that she patted his shoulder, stood up and went back inside.
Aaron wasn't sure how long he was left sitting there on her front porch but he couldn't find it in himself to leave. He finally felt a sense of peace when it came to his failed relationship with Haley and for that he was grateful but even more than that, he acknowledged that she was right.
He never did push, even when he should have. When she left him he could have fought for her, it would have likely come to the same conclusion, but he never did. He was sure he could sit here all night and try and figure out why that was but in the end it didn't matter, Haley was right. If he wanted this with Emily he was going to have to push, get her to talk to him, or at least listen. And in the end if it never went anywhere other than where it was he could be okay with that, because at least he tried.
But for the first time in a long time he had hope for it being something more.
Emily blinked open her eyes, then snuggled a little deeper into the warm blanket draped across her and smiled slightly for a moment. Sometime in the last couple of hours while she was curled up sleeping in one of the visiting chairs, one of the nurses must have come into the room and covered her up. She supposed that it was one of the advantages to her mother's position that they allowed her to come and go as she pleased, even when visiting hours were over for the day. They really had gone above and beyond since her mother was admitted; fussing and fretting over her like she was an orphan. It was a position that was unfamiliar to her, she was usually the one doing the fussing and fretting.
After taking note of the heart monitor's steady beeps, indicating the Ambassador's continued wellbeing she allowed her gritty tired eyes to drift shut again and her thoughts to wander, hoping for just a little more sleep.
Emily headed back to her hotel when visiting hours were over for the day and found that she couldn't sit still, ending up pacing the floor, her mind in knots. For over an hour she tried to relax and unwind but finally had given up and headed back for the hospital and her mother's room. Here, listening to the gentle beeps and whirls of the equipment seemed to help her focus her thoughts and relax for a while. With the reassurance of her mother's wellbeing she was able, without guilt or stress, to think about the other thoughts plaguing her mind… namely, Hotch.
"Why are you still here?" The soft voice from the bed next to her gave her such a shock that Emily jerked violently at the intrusion into her thoughts.
Whatever it was that her mother saw on her face it was enough to cause the Ambassador to purse her lips in thought.
Emily allowed her legs to drop to the floor and leaned forward so she was closer to her mother, keeping her voice soft in deference to the time of night. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't. But I thought you would have been on your way back to Washington by now." Yeah, she hadn't really thought that evading would work, it never did.
"I'm not due back until Monday and I thought…" She shrugged her shoulder, inelegantly, unsure of how to finish that sentence.
Elizabeth shot her daughter a look telling her, without saying a word, that her normal evasions were not going to work tonight.
Emily sighed and gave her mother a halfhearted smile. "I thought I would travel back to Washington with you if they release you tomorrow. Or I could stay for a few more days."
"It's a lovely thought, but you have a life to get back to and I believe that I shall have more than enough help getting back home." Elizabeth's eyes flowed over Emily, trying to figure out what it was that had her daughter so unsettled.
If there was one thing that she could say about her mother, she was strong willed and if she decided she was going to be well enough to leave the hospital then she would be. She was recovering from the surgery faster than they had suspected that she would and all things being equal they were going to release her to the care of her staff and a home nurse the next day, allowing her the luxury of completing her recovery at home.
She glanced out of the side of her eyes at her mother and for the first time in years she wanted nothing more than to unburden her soul to Mom. She used to do it all the time when she was younger. Late nights in the kitchen at the various Embassies they had lived in, back when she was still able to see the Ambassador as just her mom. Long before things fell apart between them.
Her mother's look softened at the slightly distressed look on her face and she decided to bite the bullet and hopefully find some kind of clarity in the process.
"I think I might have really screwed up this time Mom." Her voice was soft and wavering when she spoke.
"Hmm," She closed her eyes and nodded slowly. "I was wondering when you were going to tell me."
There was a question in her voice as she looked at her mother. "Tell you?"
"Tell me about what's happening between you and Aaron Hotchner."
Emily's mouth snapped shut and she could feel the tightening in her jaw. She was ready to fight, to defend her actions and how she felt about him but there was no condemnation in Elizabeth's eyes; only deep understand and a desire to help. Something she never would have expected from her given that any relationship between her and her supervisor was going to cause a hit to Emily's reputation.
Emily closed her eyes, unsure where to start, or even how much she wanted to share.
Elizabeth reached out and grasped her daughter's hand, knowing how hard it was for the younger woman to share with her, especially after all this time. "I knew at Christmas that there was something different going on with you and then when he phoned…" her mother shrugged her shoulder, "You seemed so happy, in a way that you hadn't in years."
"Mom…"
"It's okay Emily, even without you telling me, I know you don't like politics, and we certainly never gave you a good example for what that kind of life can be like."
Emily looked down at the floor, not sure what to say. Politics was a huge part of who her mother was and in that moment it felt a lot like she was saying that she didn't like her mother either.
Elizabeth narrowed her eyes in understanding. "I just hope that the same example didn't extend to how you feel about love and relationships because there again, your father and I didn't set the best example for you of what a marriage should be."
Emily regarded her mother and didn't know what to say, how to reassure her, especially since what she said was true. The absolute apathy her parents had for each other, especially knowing that they were never exactly a love match, made her incredible wary of men in general, always looking for an ulterior motive when they were nice to her, when they showed her the least bit of attention.
"So tell me, tell me what has happened to put you in such straights." She figured that she needed to get the ball rolling or Emily would find some way to evade the discussion.
Emily leaned back in her chair and took a deep breath and for the next hour she told her mother everything. Her wariness in the quad when he first came to her, to her shock at realizing that he wasn't really the man that they all thought that he was, and her discovery that this man was someone who she could genuinely see spending her life with.
She shared everything with her. Emily told her about all of the things that they had done and what he had shown her, all of the little secrets to his life that he had shared with her. Her shock and delight to find that he had a sense of humor and how much he enjoyed surprising her. She shared everything, right down to the moment she discovered that she was truly in love, and likely for the first time ever.
When she reached the end and told her about that day in his office her mother actually scoffed at her, earning a smile from Emily along with a slight blush, as she recounted the following weeks, up until she left to come to New York.
"It all sounds like miscommunications and misunderstandings to me."
"I know. I think I knew that same day, as soon as I calmed down, exactly that he was saying, not just what I was hearing. Aaron is not the kind of man that would lead someone on like that and I think I was using it as an excuse to back off a bit."
"So if you realize this and it's something you want, why didn't you fix things back then, before it became more complicated?" And she said it like it was just that simple. She was genuinely curious; she had never known her daughter to be timid about anything she wanted.
"Aaron is always straight forward about everything. He doesn't mince his words and he will tell you exactly what he's thinking. It's one of the things that I love most about him. But when it comes to this, he's not talking. It's all guess work on my part, trying to figure out what he wants."
"But you already said that he doesn't play those kinds of games, so is it really that unreasonable to assume that what you are seeing is exactly what it is?"
"Yes, but…" Emily's voice trailed off and she broke eye contact.
"You're scared." Elizabeth prepared herself to pick the scab off a very old wound and prayed that it wouldn't further the rift between them. "You are not me Emily. And Aaron Hotchner is certainly nothing like your Father."
Emily's eyes snapped back to her mother and her mouth parted slightly in shock at having her issues laid out on the table like that. She was about to bark back, to shut the conversation down before it started till she noticed the look of sadness in her mom's eyes.
"That's what this is really all about isn't it? Why you have consistently picked the worst men possible and shied away from any of the ones that could go somewhere. You are trying to protect yourself from ending up in a marriage like mine."
She wanted to lash out and get angry but there was at least some truth to what her mother was saying. She leaned back in the chair and looked out the window thinking back over the years and all of her less than impressive relationships. She didn't think it was as simple as that but Emily had to admit that it was likely the starting point.
Elizabeth sighed and for the first time ever, truly opened up to Emily. "You don't end up in a marriage like mine by accident. I knew exactly what I was doing and so did your Father. We were both ambitious and knew that we had a much greater chance of succeeding together. There was chemistry there, but never anything to build a marriage on, besides our shared goals."
Emily turned back to her mother and listed to her recount the earliest parts of her parents relationship and began to see it in a new light. She had always assumed that her mother had ended up in a relationship that turned bad. Never once had it occurred to her that she might have chosen the path she took. For once the blinders were off and she was seeing her mother for the woman she really was, not just the Ambassador she had been all these years and with that new understanding came a small grain of hope.
"Emily, I spent most of my life calculating the odds, weighing out the benefits of any course of action against the things I wanted to achieve. And as I lay here this last week, knowing I'm approaching the end of my life and all I can see are the regrets for the choices I didn't make." Elizabeth reached out and grasped her daughter's hand, hoping that she would hear what she was saying. "Don't get to the end of yours and find that this is one of your regrets, because you didn't take the chance."
Emily's eyes softened at the wistful note in her mother's voice and wondered just what had caused it. And as much as she would have loved to have asked; this is the most she could ever remember her mother sharing with her, she really didn't want to push and have her mother shut her out again.
"I'm scared Mom. I don't know how to be…" She flapped her hand trying to find the right word but gave up and let her shoulders droop.
"You think he doesn't already know that Emily, that he doesn't know you? This is a man you trust enough to stand at your back with a loaded weapon. Don't you think you could trust him here too, to show you what you don't know and help you find a place where you both fit?"
Emily nodded her head and dropped her eyes to the floor. She trusted Hotch, one of only six people in the world that she truly did. And out of all of the people she knew, he likely knew better than anyone that she had issues, that even her issues had issue. She could trust him in this. She nodded her head again and looked up at her mother, grateful that the woman she remember as a child was still there. She could feel the tears well in her eyes and the wounds she had harbored for years starting to heal.
"But what if I'm wrong Mom?"
Elizabeth gave her hand a gentle squeeze and lowered her voice. "Go and talk to him, talk to him, trust him and then jump in with both feet, take the risk. I think he'll be more than worth it."
Emily cradled her Mom's hand between her own and gave a short nod.
"Good. Now shut up, get out of my room and let me get some sleep. I want to go home tomorrow and I need to rest if I want them to let me escape."
Emily gave a soft chuckle and rested her head on the bed next to their hands. "I'll go in a few minutes." With that she closed her eyes and felt a kind of peace fill her that she never had when she was with her mother.
She wondered if tonight was going to be a turning point for her, in all her relationships.
Chapter Fifteen – Finding Your Soul