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Faded Silhouettes

For Alexa & her killer dedication, even though I'm not posting this at 3 am.

14. Secret Lives

After I left Laritate's office, I went to the overlook and sat on the metal picnic table and watched the water shining in the early spring sunlight. As I listened to the chirping birds and the buzzing of insects, I mulled everything over.

While Harper had been one of my best friends for such a long time, she wasn't turning out to be a good friend at this point. It seemed so out of character for her, but then again, I hadn't noticed who she was becoming while I was wrapped up in my secret life with Mitchie and then with everything that followed. It bothered me that I'd been such an awful friend to her, without even realizing, but it also bothered me that she didn't even try to approach me about it (or at least, not that I could remember). It also troubled me that we still pretended nothing had changed, when I couldn't even figure out how Harper spent her weekends anymore: We hadn't hung out much since Mitchie checked out, and we definitely hadn't been hanging out too much near the end of summer either, so what had we been doing? Were we going along for months acting like things were the same? I couldn't decide how we'd gotten to this point or what to think of that. I wasn't sure it was something we could fix, especially at this point, since things had gotten so weird and messed up and she didn't seem like someone I still wanted to be around.

It sucked to think that maybe what I'd been telling her about our friendship just being at its end, running its course…I hadn't thought I was being that serious, but maybe that really was the situation.

I yawned and stretched out on the picnic table, bunching my hood up so it could act as a pillow. I stared up at the sky overhead, the buds of the early blooming trees and still barren tree branches framing it the light blue hues.

The sun wasn't so high at this point, and it felt nice to have the warmth of it without the blinding brightness. All my Harper thoughts were bumming me out, because I was realizing that I'd lost more friends than I'd noticed. I really hadn't talked to anyone besides Mitchie, Shane and Harper in the last year or so, and suddenly, all of them were either dead or just …not who they'd been. I let my mind wander from the depressing crap; I thought about Sonny and what I wanted to tell her. I'd been thinking about it since yesterday and I knew I really did want to say it.

It was just a matter of how I wanted to say it and when. I knew right now in the middle of all of this crazy was probably one of the worst options, but I didn't want to put it off.

A bird flew overhead and I flinched, afraid it would drop a load on me; it didn't. I let out a small breath and sat up as I realized I could probably ask Shane about Harper. I gnawed at the inside of my lower lip and weighed the pros and cons of going to see Shane as I hopped off the table and headed to my car.

I paused as the engine grumbled as I woke it. Where was Shane at this point? I groaned as I dialed his number.

It rang twice before he answered. "Alex?"

My throat felt like it had just closed up. I coughed and said, "Yeah, hey, where are you?"

"My house. Why?"

I stared over the steering wheel; the picnic table I'd just vacated calling my name. A small bird landed on it and swiveled its head a few times, hopped around and then took off again. I licked my lips. "Can I come over?"

"Oh. Um, sure." He cleared his throat. "But um, my dad's home."

I started driving down the thin, winding path to the main road; I didn't understand why he was telling me that. "Okay. I'll be there in a few minutes. I'm coming from the river, so…however long that takes."

He laughed. "About five minutes or less."

#

Once I got to Shane's house, I understood why he'd told me his dad was home; he wasn't "allowed" to be alone. We sat in the living room and I sipped from the cup of water his dad had offered me upon walking through the front door.

An awkward silence was settling over us, as his father was flipping through channels. He seemed like he was doing his best to ignore whatever we were doing, but it didn't make me any more comfortable.

Finally, I cleared my throat and jumped in. "Um, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure." He spun the hospital bracelet that was still around his wrist. I wondered why he hadn't taken it off yet. He'd been out since Thursday or Friday; it was Monday.

"Um, who has Harper been hanging out with?" I kept my eyes on my cup; a rush of nerves rumbled through my ears. I could feel his eyes on me, but I focused on the cup and my shoes and the drink coasters sitting on coffee table in front of us.

"Like, recently?"

I nodded. "Yeah, since, um, that night we were all at Jacob's house last summer or any time after that really." I took a long gulp from my cup and felt the cold liquid freeze my insides; I shivered slightly.

"Well, I guess, Zeke, and Shanya, and …you maybe? And your brother when Zeke hangs around him, I guess? And Allison, Kyla and Jacob. I don't know. Why?" He shifted on the couch and I looked up. He was picking at a spot of dry skin on his exposed knee.

"Thanks." I stared at the television as an advertisement for a vacuum forced his dad to change the channel. "So, um, how are you?"

Sighing, he tugged at his gym shorts, covering his pale, hairy thigh. He laughed. "Well, you know. I'm just kind of doing this."

"Are you going to be back at school soon?"

He nodded. "Yeah. But, because of my blood alcohol content, I have to do some rehab classes or something...and because I jumped into the river, I have to go to a counselor regularly. And I'm basically grounded for the whole summer."

His dad muted the TV and said, "Shane! You're exaggerating."

Shane sighed dramatically. "Fine. I've got a very strict schedule and there are a lot of restrictions on my social life." He rolled his eyes as his dad unmuted the TV and went back to looking at the on-screen TV guide options. Shane grabbed his phone off the table and hurriedly typed something and put it back down.

My phone buzzed and I glanced at it. I'm definitely grounded lol

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "So, when will you come back to school?"

He scratched at the plastic wristband and shrugged. "After I meet with the rehab people and the counselor there…but that won't be until tomorrow probably. They have to evaluate me and make sure I'm not a danger to anyone else or myself or something." He rubbed his temples and groaned. He grabbed his phone again.

Seriously, WORST DRUNKEN MISTAKE EVER.

I narrowed my eyes at the message and typed back: So it was a mistake? …or an accident? Or…did you mean to succeed?

He picked at his teeth for a minute and then set his phone down on the table.

I frowned and felt my shoulders fall; I hadn't realized I'd been tensed up.

Suddenly, Shane leaned forward and pushed himself off the couch. He readjusted his light blue t-shirt and his black and white shorts as he slid his feet into a pair of sandals. "Hey, Dad? Can I please sit with Alex outside? It's really nice out and we'll only be on the back porch. You can watch us through the glass door or the windows."

"Fine. But don't tell your mom—and I swear, if I see you passing a joint or any kind of underage smoking, your ass is mine."

Shane laughed. "I know, I know." He looked at me and widened his eyes, as he jerked his head to the side. "C'mon, Alex."

I set my cup on the coaster as I stood and followed him onto the back porch. He closed the glass door and plopped down in one of the patio chairs.

"It wasn't an accident, but I'm honestly glad I didn't die." He pinched the bridge of his nose and drummed his fingers against his knee. "As soon as I woke up in the hospital, I realized what an idiot I was being. Like…I just missed you so much and like, ever since we stopped talking… I've been having this really fucked up dream with you and Mitchie …and like, it just keeps getting to me. I just missed both of you and I've had so much time to just think and I really just wasn't dealing with my shit very well. Like, moving on is something that happens naturally and Nate kind of pushed me into it. I just …I don't know. I let that pressure bother me more than it should have and then Nate found out about you and Mitchie and just everything felt like it was out of my control and I couldn't talk to you and I couldn't talk to her and I felt like both of you were dead… and I just felt lost and out of control. And when you wouldn't talk to me, I just made an irrational decision. And God, I feel so bad for Jamie getting caught up in all of this bullshit."

He panted as he finished and I just stared at him. He'd talked so quickly and so much that I had barely absorbed what he was saying. Before I knew what was happening, he was out of his chair and hugging me, awkwardly kneeling next to my chair. "I'm honestly really sorry about everything."

I still couldn't find my voice.

He laughed and let go of me as he fell back into his chair next to mine. "Sorry. I just have been waiting to tell you that since Thursday, but I figured you would come to me if you wanted and I wasn't going to push my luck after how we left it…with everything at Sonny's."

I nodded and blinked. "Um, so…are you okay?"

We shared a look and he laughed. "Well, I've screwed myself over with all this crap that I have to do now, but yeah, I'm really…I'm trying to be okay. While I had all that time to just sit and think in the seven-two hour stint at the psych ward, I don't like who I've become and I just want to be better and be more of who I want to be…no more listening to Nate about anything." He cracked another smile.

I hadn't seen him so smiley in…months, actually probably, ever. I was very confused about him and what this meant and why he was so …different.

"What?"

I realized I'd been staring at him and dropped my gaze. "You just seem…different."

He nodded. "Yeah. I feel…different." He tapped his hands against the armrest. He eyed me and I couldn't decide what was going through his brain. "So, can we be friends again?"

I swallowed and stared at him. "I can't just forget how the past few months have gone, Shane. I just…I can't just…"

"I know…I really do suck for all of that. I'm sorry. Is there any chance we could start over or something? Please?" His finger hooked onto the edge of his shorts and he twisted it into the fabric.

I shrugged. "Maybe. I mean…it's hard to think about being friends with you, because you do remind me of Mitchie and I've kind of been happier not thinking about her."

"Then we can put her away…we don't ever have to tell people how we know each other."

"People at school will know, Shane." A bird landed on one of the vacant chairs across from us and then hopped down onto the ground and poked around in the freshly thawed spring grass, its beak got lost in the dirt. It flew off with a mouth full of grass.

"We are going to be graduating sooner than you think. It'll be fine." He tilted his head and his hair fell into his eyes.

I scratched the tip of my nose and yawned. "I know…it's just…how am I supposed to know you're not going to be a dick again in another few months? How am I supposed to ignore the mannerisms you and Mitch apparently shared? And what about your weird crush on me, is that over?"

He nodded furiously. "Yes, way over it. I really wish I could date Jamie, but at this point, it's just not fair to her. I didn't mean to, but I think I did that whole 'if you leave me, I'll kill myself' bullshit to her." He sat forward, resting his head in his hands. Groaning, he lifted his head and caught my eyes. "I never wanted to be that boyfriend. Like, ever." He gripped his hair tighter; I wondered if he was going to accidentally yank it out. "And I won't be a dick to you again, because I'm not letting anyone tell me how to live my life or anything…which is what even led to all the drama with you in the first place."

I shook my head and closed my eyes. "I don't know what to tell you." I leaned back and rested my head against the back of the chair. "Sometimes, you can't take things back…and I mean, that's not an entirely foolproof plan. Nate is kind of your brother." I opened my eyes and was startled to find he was still watching me.

"Yeah, but I've told him that he needs to just stay out of my business and that he was partly the reason that this happened. He hasn't talked to me since I told him that." He tugged at his hospital band and exhaled heavily.

I studied him for a minute, as he stayed slouched over in his chair, chin supported by his hands, his eyes focused on me. "Why didn't you ever talk to me about any of this?"

"You wouldn't listen."

My mouth fell open as I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. "No, you got pissed that I slept with Sonny and then never talked to me again."

"Touché." He sighed and shrugged. "Honestly, it's…" He sighed and looked out at his backyard. I followed his gaze: his eyes flickered along the high wooden fence, the rusted swing set in the corner and the tire swing on the giant tree in front of the shed; his focus was trained on the small, brown squirrel running along this path.

"It's kind of embarrassing to admit that my younger brother was sort of bossing me around…like he's two years younger than me and I was letting him tell me how to live my life. How dumb is that? Like, once Mitchie died, I was just honestly confused about everything and so when he started 'helping' me I just felt like I had to think less and that's what I wanted, because functioning just seemed so exhausting." He scoffed. "So dumb, you know?"

A breeze hit my face and I squinted as the chilled air tickled my eyes. I didn't really have anything to say to his explanation. I could see where he was coming from: if Max had started forcing me to get over Mitchie, I would have tried to go along with it after a while, because I didn't want to feel and I didn't want to think. I wouldn't have wanted to tell anyone how much Max was influencing my life if that were the case.

I looked at Shane, his black and white gym shorts, the light blue t-shirt with some band name I couldn't decipher. Did I miss him? He thumped his hand against his chest lightly, words of a song quietly on his lips. He watched the tire swing as if he was seeing something I wasn't, or couldn't.

He paused and brought his eyes back to me; I was almost embarrassed for being caught staring. "I'm sorry that I got so upset about everything with Sonny. It just wasn't…fair and I hated it. But the more I've seen her, the more I realize you really are right. She doesn't look that much like Mitch." He smoothed out his shirt and a bird flitted behind him, hopping across the concrete and onto the birdfeeder. "I've spent some time looking at photos of Jamie and Sonny…It's weird how much they don't look alike after you look at her for so long." He laughed, shaking his head. "Sorry, that probably sounds creepy."

I nodded. "A little, but I get what you mean." I readjusted in the padded chair and the bird took off, flying up into the tree with the tire swing. "Maybe we can be friends…like once summer gets here. I'm just so tired of people staring at school…it's exhausting."

He ran his hand through his hair, a few loose pieces caught in the light of the sunset as they fell away from his head. "That's what we get for being well-known."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

"Hey!" He held his hands up. "I'm just saying."

We sat quietly for a while, and I caught him drumming his fingers on his leg as his knee bounced up and down, another song muted as it fell from his mouth.

After the sun disappeared, he stood and stretched. His shirt rode up and I caught a glance of his pale stomach as he groaned. "My mom will be home soon." His groan turned into a yawn and he paused to deal with that. He shook his head and wiped the water from his eyes. "I mean, you can stay if you want, but we have to have a family dinner."

I got up and followed him inside. "I should probably get home. I wanted to call Sonny."

He nodded. "I figured."

I grabbed his elbow, and we both paused as it happened. "I, um, I don't know Shanya or those other people you said Harper's been hanging out with. Do you know anything about them?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head. "I know that Shanya's brother, um…" He held his fingers to his lips as if he was smoking a joint. "He's a little older than us. And I know Shanya is pretty tight with him. So I'd assume that if Harper were spending a lot of time with her, that's something. But I don't know Allison and Kyla too well, either." He walked me to the front door, and lowered his voice. "I'll text you later about those two."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Still chuckling, he nodded. "Why the sudden interest in Harper's business?"

I bit the edge of my tongue gently as I shrugged and looked down. "I don't feel like I know her anymore is all."

"Oh," he said. "Makes sense. Well, I'll see you later, okay?"

#

Sonny met me at my house and I told her all about my day and she looked as surprised as I'd felt when it was happening. "Well," she said, laughing as she ran her fingers through my hair. "That sort of explains my day."

We were lying on my bed, tangled up in each other. My head was resting on her stomach and her legs were somehow in my lap. I'm sure it looked uncomfortable, but it wasn't.

I lifted my head to look at her. "What do you mean?"

"Jamie apologized to me and told me basically what you did about Shane. But that he also broke up with her, which I really think was probably for the best. I don't think she gets that just yet." Sonny rearranged us so that we were side by side. I slipped my arms around her neck as she pulled me closer, her arms encircling my middle. Our knees were brushing up against one another and it was a little harder to concentrate on the conversation.

Her hand ran up and down my side. "It was just weird to hear about this level-headed Shane, because I hadn't ever met that Shane."

"Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, when he was dating Mitchie, she never had any complaints about him as a boyfriend, other than he'd want to spend time with her and they'd fight when she would try to leave early, he just wanted to know her, and she kept all her secrets—or whatever. But I mean, I don't know, he always seemed okay when we were hanging out just him and me. So I didn't understand why he seemed to be going so psycho on Jamie."

"Yeah." She giggled. "It was literally like we knew two different people."

I closed the small space between our faces and kissed her quickly; . "Yeah. I just don't know what to do about anything else, though."

"What do you mean? With Harper, you can't really do anything. I mean, what are the options? You're not the same people you were, so you can get to know each other all over again or you can just move on? I don't know what to tell you."

I wrapped my hand around a chunk of her hair gently. "I guess." I scooted closer to her, my breath catching as our bodies pressed together. "I don't really want to think about it though." I tried to keep my eyes from straying to her lips, but my mind was still considering the cherry lip-gloss.

My heart was pounding so hard that I felt dizzy. Sonny's hand ran over the hem of my shirt. "Is this okay?"

I nodded and her hand slipped up my skin and I shivered as her warm fingers traced my ribs. I kissed her, slow and quiet as my breath shakily left my nose. Her hand went back to my hip as she rolled me onto her. I propped myself up on my elbows, as her hands snuck up my back. Her fingers gripped my bra clasp and our eyes locked.

"Can I?"

I felt a slow smile creeping onto my face as I exhaled. "Yeah." My bra quickly disappeared from the mix and her soft fingers ran over my chest. I felt a throbbing between my legs and switched our positions. I got rid of her bra and then edged her shirt up over her chest and gasped. She was beautiful; I couldn't believe we'd done this before and I couldn't remember this view. Her chest rose and fell with her shallow breaths and they were perfect.

I looked up into her eyes and she raised an eyebrow. My face felt hot as she pulled the shirt over her face. I sat up a little, working mine off as well. She took it from me and I heard them gently land on the floor. Her arms appeared on either side of my head as her lips were on mine.

Her mouth left a warm trail of kisses down my neck and as her mouth collided with my breast, I gasped. "Sonny." It was more of an exhale than her name, so I tried again. "Sonny. I have to tell you something."

She lifted her head from my chest, a smirk.

"I'm not saying this because you're doing that or what we're doing right now. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you, but I just want you to know before we…I want you to know it's not because of …I love you."

The widest smile I'd ever seen broke across her face. "I love you, too, Alex…and not just because of this." She winked and then her mouth was on mine and then just as suddenly, it was back on her original path. She sucked and licked and caressed my body in all of the right places and I couldn't remember ever feeling so turned on. Her tongue ran over my stomach and the small kisses along my hips were killing me. I just wanted her to take my pants off; I wanted to take them off for her.

She unzipped my jeans and slid them down my legs. As she was grabbing my knees, I leaned forward and made for her jeans. She laughed quietly and unzipped them. Our hands pulled them down together and she placed them at the end of the bed next to mine.

She grabbed my knees again and held my gaze as she whispered, "Is this okay? Do you want to do this?"

I felt I'd become a mute as I nodded vigorously; she giggled as she ran her tongue up my thighs and her nails grazed my hips, playing with the top of my red and black underwear. She slowly slid them down my legs and when her wet tongue met my body, I lost myself to the moment.

#

I spent Tuesday flipping channels on the couch while Steven barked and trotted around the house. He pawed at the back door and I let him out, but left the screen door open since it was nice.

I could hear the birds and bugs buzzing and Steven was barking and bouncing around; I almost wanted to join him. I flipped to the Discovery Channel. My phone buzzed and I searched the surrounding area for it, trying to figure out where I'd left it. I found it under the end table and read the message.

Shane (9:38 am): Hey, so, Allison and Kyla are pretty much fake bitches. They'd be really nice to Mitchie at school and when they played on the same sports teams, but at parties, they'd constantly try hooking up with me. Eventually, I started taking Kevin and Nate with me and they'd back off, but they were persistent assholes for a while.

I frowned as I read his message several times. I'd never noticed that at any of the parties, and I wondered if Mitchie knew about it, then I realized it didn't matter.

Oh, what about Jacob? After I hit send, I typed out another message to Sonny, just telling her I missed her and then Shane's reply came.

I don't know him too well. He was always giving me a hard time about dating Mitchie…he'd tell me that I could do better and all kinds of crap, but then I'd always catch him trying to hit on her. I don't know. He seemed like a dick, but I don't really know him too well. He was just sorta part of the gang, you know?

I sighed and set the phone down for a minute. Basically, Harper had been just hanging out with all the meanest people our group apparently had to offer. Her insanity made more sense now.

I was hesitant to explain to Shane why I was asking him about it, but then decided maybe he could help me figure out if she was losing her mind or taking bad advice.

My phone vibrated on the cushion. Why? What happened with Harper?

Did they start saying shit about me when you started being an ass? I picked up the remote and flipped channels while I gripped my phone with my other hand. Why did I hang around so many shitty people?

Probably…I mean they were talking shit about you and me when we were hanging out. I read his response several times before I set my phone down and realized Harper was really just not worth that drama and I tried to ignore the ache in my chest as I realized instead of defending me she'd probably been tearing me down, too.

As I stared at the commercial on cell phones, I heard the front door open and looked up to see Justin standing in the doorway of the living room. He looked super pale; I frowned as I stood and walked over to him.

"Hey, are you okay?"

He shoved me out of the way and headed to the bathroom. I followed him to see if he needed something, but heard him throwing up and walked back to the couch.

Steven barked and I saw his little black nose pressed against the screen. I let him in and Justin walked back into the room, wiping the corners of his mouth. His eyes were watery and I couldn't decide if it was from vomiting or if he was actually crying.

"Alex." His voice was strangled and I jerked my head back, confused. "Can I tell you something?"

I looked him over, almost afraid to say yes. As he gingerly sat down on the love seat adjacent to me, I nodded slowly. "What's up?"

He ran his hands through his hair and let out a deep breath. "You know, on Valentine's Day, when you asked me if anyone had come over…well, after she went to your room, she came to mine, and she was crying and saying all this stuff…and I slept with her. And Zeke…still doesn't know, and I just…I feel bad because he's been trying to get back together with her since she broke up with him at some New Year's Eve party and I just…" He groaned. "Should I tell him? I mean, he's my best friend."

I stared at him, and then blinked as I glanced around the living room. "What the fuck? Are you kidding right now?"

He looked more distraught than before. He smacked his hand against the cushion. "Alex. This is serious. What do I do? I have literally been worrying myself sick for the last month trying to figure out what to do. And he just keeps trying to get me to help him get her back."

"Do you want to date her?"

He shook his head so hard that I thought it was going to break his neck. "NO! I honestly don't know how we wound up sleeping together. But after it happened and you were knocking on my door asking about her, like twenty minutes after she left, I just wanted to call her and say it was a mistake. Instead, I just messaged her and asked if we could not tell anyone about that and she never replied and ever since, I've just been trying to avoid her at all costs. But Zeke…" He groaned and ran his hand over his hair. "Alex, she's your best friend: what do I do?"

I laughed. "Justin. I have no idea what to do. She and I haven't even been friends for like, months…what am I supposed to do? Or say, even?" I threw my hands up and then reached for my phone. I had to tell Sonny.

Sonny replied instantly with virtual laughter. I started laughing again and stopped long enough to stare at him again. "What were you thinking, dude?"

He shrugged, laughing. "Idontknow." It was just one word as his hand covered his mouth. He dropped his hand after a few moments. "It feels good to get it off my chest though." He gave me a tight smile and sighed. "Well, I guess I'm going to go brush my teeth and take a nap. Maybe I'll figure something out when I wake up."

I felt my phone move in my hand and looked down. Sonny (10:02 am): Is she pregnant or something?

Laughing, I quickly replied. No, but Zeke wants to get back together with her and Justin is literally sick with worry. (And by the way, I didn't even know they broke up!)

#

It was three in the afternoon before I knew it, and that meant Sonny was free to come over. As we lay on my bed, I played with her hair and listened to her tell me about her day. Jamie was still trying to make it up to her for everything, but Sonny was still concerned about how confused and hung up on Shane Jamie seemed; I felt bad, but I didn't really know what to tell her. I wasn't nearly as good as Sonny with advice and knowing what to say and when to say it.

After a while, we decided to watch a few movies. I was just enjoying her company, when she sat up and stared at me with panic in her eyes. "Are we okay?"

My mouth fell open. "Are you finally catching the crazy that's going around?"

As she smiled, I could see her relaxing a little bit. "No. I'm just…worried you didn't like what we did the other day. You haven't mentioned it and right after, your mom was knocking on the door to tell you she was going to bed…and we just never talked about it."

I took her hand and kissed her knuckles, noticing they were a little chapped. I held her hand in mine, running my fingertip over her slightly chapped skin. "We are fantastic, Sonny. I've never had such a great time getting intimate with someone; I only regret that I was way too drunk to really remember the very first time." I leaned into her and kissed her slowly, slipping my tongue across her lips.

She smiled against my lips as she parted hers a little.

"Honestly, you were amazing and it was really great. Don't ever worry about that kind of stuff." I wrapped my arms around her waist and wished I could just melt into her.

She kissed my cheek. "You don't either, you know."

I smirked. "Oh, I know." I sat up a little straighter. "I'm super fantastic and I know it."

She pulled away and lightly swatted the side of my head. "No need to be cocky about it." She laughed and smoothed my hair down. "Plus, you could be the worst I've ever had and I'd still say you didn't have to worry, because I kind of like you, regardless of your sex-skills."

My jaw dropped. "Jerk!"

She kissed me and said, "Babyy, I'm kidding." She ran her hands down my back and I hated the soft fabric keeping her fingers at bay. "Seriously, though, I am kidding. I've only slept with, like, you and two other people and I completely regret the other two after you."

With wide eyes, I put my hand over her mouth. "Stop. Let's not give me more reasons to get cocky."

She laughed as she moved my hand. "You're right. Wouldn't you to get bigheaded about it."