Penultimate chapter, with nothing more to add. Fav, follow or review, enjoy :)
Invaded
I recover consciousness to wake up on a bustling Sunday morning, I raise my head a little from the pillow to see that the door is closed almost in its entirety, only a crack at the side lets in sunlight, I hear the hustle and bustle that dad makes every weekend for everyone to share breakfast before he goes to his store and takes Joel along with him.
I don't stretch as I usually neither do I growl because the rhythmic breathing I feel to the right forbids me, I drop my head to see him in his most vulnerable state, in which I don't see any expression on his face and nothing in the world bothers him. To see him sleeping so placidly has a reassuring effect on me, it's as if only here and now were enough to subsist, as if the whole stinky world didn't exist and it was only him and me.
I roll on my right side and place my hand on his cheek to caress his cheekbone slowly with my thumb, he reacts sinking his nose into the pillow and letting out one of those adorable grunts that he usually expresses every time he moves, he snuggles with me and now I can delineate the line of his eyebrows, the curve of his lips, the breadth of his nose, and see his abundant freckles more closely, and I almost give in to my stupid wish to count each one of them.
Sharing the same bed and sleeping in each other's arms are things that were going to happen at some point anyway, in the last two weeks we have fallen asleep several times while watching television, I on my back and he on my chest, because our school semester is becoming a douche, and we've woken up with blankets on us. I appreciate dad's decision not to make a fuss of it, and I can also assure that Joel has some pictures.
"Hey" I whisper, delineating his bushy eyebrows once more before shaking his shoulder for him to open his eyelids, "wakey, wakey".
His answer is a moan of discomfort in addition to another lovely grunt, I start to poke his cheek with my thumb and he frowns, he waves his hand close to his face, as he drives away an insect, then he lifts the blankets up to his nose and sighs, making his face relax again.
"I don't wanna" he says, sounding like a child getting up to go to school, "five more minutes, please".
"No five more minutes thing, breakfast is getting ready and I'm starving since last night".
"You ate last night, too much actually".
"Maybe, but I prefer it anyway to just stay lying here" I reply as I place my hand on the back of his neck and stroke his hair, trying to calm him down.
"Oh my…" he raises his head, looks at me with morning stupor and then he frowns, really feeling something about my nonsense. "You're an idiot, a big one".
"C'mon, it was just a joke" he sticks his tongue out and wrinkles his nose, then he turns around and shrugs on the blankets, letting out a sigh.
I stretch my legs lazily and a heavy book falls from the bed, I remember how it was that the hard study night ended up in the two of us sharing a single sized bed, we managed to have a good night though, there was enough space so we both could move, and I'm still sure that the times when he cuddled in my arms weren't just dreams.
Now that I think about it, Carlos is very good at teaching, he is very patient and explains everything with as many d examples as he can think of, he knows that I hate to ask for help so he just sat next to me in the dining room's table, he watched me in silence and told me where I was committing mistakes, in those moments where my frustration was too much I could calm down listening to his voice and finding the logic in what I should do, then he ended up between my legs while he solved my part of the school work in the room, and with every success he gave me a kiss in the cheek, after five answers it was one on the lips, and after ten we made out until we had to breathe again.
He's very good with incentives, that's been clear.
"So, what are you waiting for to spoon me?" he talks to the wall but I still hear the annoyance in his voice.
"Uh, ain't ya upset?".
"I needed a reason to tell you that you're an idiot of the big ones" he turns his head slightly and raises his right eyebrow, cocking a smile.
"Ya can say it that way, no need for reasons".
"If I say it without context then you might believe it's true" I frown when I begin to understand the twisted logic of his words.
"Yeah, but…".
"Shut up and spoon me".
I pull his body closer to mine, his legs are entangled with mine and my hands slide down his waist until I entwine them over his stomach, he moves back to press his back against my chest, his hips against mine, and his neck remains inches away from my lips.
"I wasn't kidding when I told the girls that you're like a teddy bear" he doesn't see me raise my eyebrows, and I realize that I don't like that comparison.
"Yeah, well, let's keep that between us, we don't want someone to steal your favorite teddy bear".
"Never gonna happen".
His hands finally meet mine, rather they get placed on them, and that doesn't last long since he rolls to look at me, now his legs are more entangled with mine, and I liked his butt on my waist, but now I can see his face, how sleepy his eyes are still, the way he smiles slightly and the hand that is placed on my cheek to caress my cheekbone is even better.
"Have I ever told you that I like your eyes?" I raise my right eyebrow.
"'Cause ya can't see much of them?" I laugh with my look still on him, and he doesn't laugh with me.
"Uh, what are you talking about?" he frowns.
"They're like super tiny, you can't see anything of them just like that".
"I don't know what you mean" he replies, stretching out his hand, "they're very pretty, and I love the way they close when you smile".
I do it not because he asked to, but because he just made me blush, it's the first time someone else gives me a compliment over my eyes that is not my family's, and there not tend to be many compliments around here. He puts his hand on my cheek and I look up, I can't help but lean forward, connecting his lips to mine and letting a part of me to be flattered in such a tender way, not the one that usually has double intentions.
Then we remain silent, as if the humor had died, but I do it only because I need to contemplate him, something inside of me just wants to see him do an infinity of things, that part that wants to have him by my side in a selfish way, forever and ever to a certain point. I don't understand what changed overnight, but if that is what it feels like to fall at someone's feet and to love that someone then I am more than willing to do it.
Love, such a word, and my lips are tingling for telling him so.
"Oh, oh! Well, well, it's happening, it's happening" I wrap my arms around him in a hug with which I try to convey things that my emotional cowardice doesn't dare to tell him until I have a shudder in my whole body. "Who are you and what did you do with the grumpy Jay of every morning?" his hand enters to my hair and I sink my nose into his neck.
"I stabbed him to death, instead I left this clingy beast".
"I like clingy Jay" he lets out a small laugh and he kisses my forehead.
"And he likes you, a lot".
I leave my face hidden in his neck while his fingers are placed on my nape and he scratches at my hair with the tips of his fingers, in a rhythm so soothed that I could fall asleep again, with the protection of his thin arms around me and with the warmth that fills my chest.
Yup, this is the kind of thing I would like to have every morning.
I press my lips against his neck, I take a deep breath and I begin to move over the line of his jaw to his chin, slowly I get up just to place my leg on the other side of his waist, he flexes his and that produces a kind of fluffy cushion to be under me, where I sit down while he looks at me with a relaxed expression, as if he knew that I was going to do something like that, and again I hate that he knows what I'm about to do. I must not be predictable.
Because of the temperature of the room I can say that it's close to noon, there is not a cold breeze that hits the exposed skin of my back or my chest, but what is present are his hands placed on my waist, his thumbs caress the lines below my abs and after that they move through that whole extension, causing me tickles and that I don't stop looking into his eyes.
I don't feel aroused in the least, I see and feel everything that he does but there is no such reaction in me. It's as if the same part of me that likes the compliments and the morning affection was making these decisions, and I accept them, but I also want to feel more of him this morning.
"Let's take this off, shall we?".
"B-but your dad is… and Joel… no…".
"They still don't make much noise, they think we're sleeping".
"Okay" he nods and I take the hems of his shirt, he gets up so I can take it off and I throw it to the side of the mattress, I let my hands to rest over his little pecs before he lets out a sigh that makes my skin crawl for some reason, the firmness of his nipples when I touch them tells me that he also has goosebumps, maybe because of the fear that someone will come in, or just because he likes what I do.
Be that as it may, I really like this person who woke up in me.
"What do ya say about this" I start, giving him my ideas so we can spend a good day in the city while his hands are still sliding down my arms, contouring each line of my muscles and letting me feel the goosebumps that he's feeling while I also make the same touches on him: "breakfast, we go where you wanna go, we have lunch there, and in the end we watch the stars from the ceiling".
He looks away for a second and turns his head around the pillow, he looks to the right and arches his eyebrows a bit, concluding something.
"I'd like to go to the aquarium very much" he looks at me again, smiling. "I'm not a fan of places that have caged animals, but I think it is the closest thing to see the bottom of the ocean and such stuff".
"Ya can get in a submarine to see it too".
"Hell, no" he adds, widening his eyes, shaking his head emphatically. "I don't wanna die inside a megalodon if it gets to eat the submarine".
"I know, right? It would be the worst".
"That's why I prefer the closest and safest" he makes quotes in that word.
"Sounds like a good plan" our stomachs make a deep sound, for the thing that they haven't been fed, and we both stop with our restless hands, I clear my throat once more and leave mine in his abs. "Carlos?".
"Yeah?" his hand finds one of mine and he entwines our fingers, I take a deep breath through my nose and spread a smile, making my eyes to close.
"I heart you".
He blushes completely in a matter of seconds, he takes my hand and guides it to his lips, he kisses my knuckles and caresses the back with his thumb, he gives me the most sincere smile since he also comes to close his eyes a little and that causes those ridiculous butterflies in my stomach, this time it's not about hunger.
"And I heart you, Jay".
I lean forward and I'm immediately caught in his arms, the pressure of his bare chest against mine still doesn't produce the slightest degree of sexual arousal, his hands caressing my shoulder blades either, in fact I feel that I melt in him when he kisses me on the cheek and I sink my face again on his neck, sliding my hands underneath to hug him more strongly.
"Oh, I have a gift for ya" I force myself to get up to my chest of drawers, I open the drawer on the right and take out the cardboard box inside, I walk back to the bed when he sits, taking small jumps in his place, and I take advantage of that I got up to open the curtains.
"Wow, Jay, you shouldn't have" he says, speaking with mock modesty since the wide smile on his face doesn't fade, I put the box on his lap and immediately he removes the lid he gapes.
It's actually not much: a bag of chocolates stuffed with kirsch, a pair of fingerless gloves made of leather, black with red details and some openings to get more mobility, and the pictures that Evie took two weeks ago in the tournament, where, according to her words, "you can perceive love".
I accept it and I realize what Carlos says about my eyes, they are closed by the amplitude of my smiles, the touches I made on his legs were wide, the relaxed way in which I looked at him is evident, and the notorious of his blush, his way of looking at me, the how tilted his head is, among other things, makes me clear that he likes to be with me, more than I came to imagine.
"Jay, I… I don't know what to say, but I'll start with thanks" he places the pictures aside to take the gloves and he tries on the right one, widening his eyes when he settles it on his wrist, he makes circles with it and stretches his fingers, looking at it from different angles. "It fits very well".
"Yeah, uh, let's say I know the proportions of your hands" I scratch my nape, surprised at the same time that I'm ashamed to have admitted something like that, which may sound like something with double intentions on it, and it's not what he perceives since he gets up to surround me once again with his arms, now he is the one who sinks his face in my neck, and he is also the first to say that he hearts me. I squeeze him in the hug, letting out a slow, relaxed sigh.
Our stomachs interfere and that interrupts the hug, I stretch my arm to take his shirt and I help him put it on, not because I think he needs my help, but because it's always easier to strip someone of his clothes instead of being someone to support to cover the other, I take a sleeveless shirt from the inside of the chest of drawers and I realize that I'm no longer hungry, all I do is turn on my heels to see that he is still sitting in a swirl of blankets, he stretches and ruffles his hair, then he lowers his hands to rub his eyes and I take it to go back to the bed, I lean on my back and put my head on his legs.
He takes his hands from his eyes and looks at me with a raised eyebrow, I look into his eyes and turn my head to rub my nose in his stomach, he laughs before placing his hands in my hair and sliding the strands between his fingers. I love it.
"Don't you feel that…?" he starts to say.
"… you could do this today, tomorrow, the next day, and the others?" his fingers pass over my forehead before cupping my cheek, with his free hand he bites one of the chocolates and a drop of kirsch stays on his lower lip. "Oh yeah, totally, and I wouldn't get bored in the most…".
"Wait a minute" I see him making movements with his tongue inside his mouth, tasting more carefully the chocolate filling, and he frowns. "Are you trying to get me drunk again? 'Cause this time it ain't gonna work".
"What are…?".
He doesn't let me finish as he lifts his legs a little while he bends to press his lips against mine, I lick his lower lip to taste the kirsch, I had never tasted that brand of chocolates before, and the liquor, although it is very little, it does have a rather peculiar flavor, not adulterated, it's only very strong, and I could have apologized to him if he hadn't moaned against my face, the sound makes me shiver, more than before, and I encircle his neck with my arms, I contract my toes while his hands slide over my chest.
I really hope that all my mornings become like this one.
"Hey, you two, dad says that… oh!" neither of the two of us departs abruptly when Joel comes in, he had the good idea to knock on the door before entering, and in fact we take our time to finish with that lip pressure, I put my head back in his legs and I keep looking at him while he raises his head. Carlos is so damn cute. "Well, this is new. Dude, you actually got to tame a beast like Jay. What was your secret?".
"Well, he…" I clear my throat, he looks down for a second and I give him a stern expression, he just winks at me before stretching his neck. "A lot of practice".
"Yeah, I can tell you do" I turn my head to see him, Joel is leaning against the chest of drawers, arms crossed and a mocking smile on his face. "Anyway, breakfast is ready, dad wants us at the table in two minutes".
Joel gets out and leaves the door open, the smell of bacon and eggs frying with a good seasoning in the kitchen, along with all the morning threats from dad, makes us stretch again and then get up, I take him by the hand and before he can leave the room I make him spin, as if we were dancing, then I hug him when he is facing away from me and I rub my morning wood against his butt, only to hear him laugh, ashamed, and kiss his neck.
"As fun as it may be, I really don't want your dad or Joel to see me on my knees in front of you".
"Well, fuck, that'll make me fantasize all day long" I slide my hands under his shirt and his muscles get tense, before my fingers can sneak into his underwear he stops me, letting out a sigh.
"Maybe, a little later, we can fulfill that fantasy, and there could be more".
He moves his head in a strange angle and kisses me on the cheek, that makes my arms to release him and he leaves the room, having me perplexed and with a prominent bulge in my pants, I try to hide it before stepping out and see everyone sitting in the dining room table. Today there's the hope of an incredible day.
Breakfast passes without anything relevant, that if I ignore that we were playing footsies under the table, Joel noticed it but preferred to remain silent, and another thing that couldn't be important is that, after we told dad about what we would do today, he gave me seventy dollars, for the bus and if we need to use it on something else, in addition of him shaking Carlos' hair as well.
Yeah, it was a completely usual breakfast, nothing new.
"Can I choose the next song?" Carlos asks, he raises his head from my shoulder and looks at me with pleading eyes, the movement of the bus to go to the center of the city makes us take small jumps in our place because of the bumps in the road. It needs urgent remodeling, although we could take another route, but it would have been more durable then.
"Yeah, of course, wait a sec" I slide my thumb on the screen of my phone and get into the music app, I tilt it a little so that the sunlight reflects on it and prevents him from seeing my wallpaper when he stretches his neck. "All yours".
He smiles widely and go through my songs while I look out the window, the traffic jam and the buildings pass by us, the midday sun shines in a way that is not so uncomfortable, I prefer the cloudy days but this one in particular is of my total pleasure, maybe because of the hopes I have for it.
We're sitting in the last row of seats and share my headphones, he has the right one and I the left one, the rhythm in them changes, it passes from being a song that would be appropriate for a party in a club to a slow one, a total contrast if I think about it carefully, and I didn't remember having songs that spoke of love, and having Carlos by my side makes me give them a very different interpretation.
I have too many songs on my phone, and even so I tend to listen the same ones over and over again, without getting bored, although from time to time I get out of that vicious circle and let them play randomly, and I'm surprised to hear some that, literally, I didn't listen to them years ago, and he seems to find a taste for each of them, he describes what he thinks of them, if he likes them or if he doesn't likes them, and sometimes he asks me about some he has heard on the radio.
"Uh, hey" he murmurs, turning his head so that now his cheek is on my exposed shoulder, I lower me look and rub his nose with mine. "I-I have to ask you a question, it r-rather is to confirm something, or I'll explode".
"What up?".
"Uh, I… well, Mal told me once… and it's not that I believes her, it's just that… uh…" he wanders, he moves his hands anxiously between his thighs, as if I were hiding a secret, or as if he didn't want to reveal a horrible truth. I hope it's not about that, I haven't hidden anything from him anymore.
"Mal… what?" I frown, confused, and I tilt my head. He sighs.
"It's just a rumor actually, but Mal told me that uh… well, I'll just say it, she told me that you have a pic of me as wallpaper, and I wanted to know if it's true".
My throat closes in the moment and my hands sweat, until now I realize that I have them turned into fists, and I don't try to deny it because it's true. In this time mere moment I could have the word BUSTED carved on my forehead and I would not feel bad in the least, I would rather feel like a coward for fear of what he might think that I see him in something that I use all the time, and that's precisely why I did it, I like to see him.
"I knew it, a joke" he interrupts me when I was building up the courage to tell the truth, he laughs a little and scratches his ear, "typical of Mal, I knew that…".
"A-actually…" I slide my thumb on the phone again and let him see the screen, I'm not sure what delirium was in my head to want to hide something like that.
He takes my phone and watched it, it's the first picture I took when he arrived at the apartment, I still remember well the anxious way in which his leg moved, the way he looked carefully at the television, and the remains of donuts I wanted to remove of his lips with my thumb, and he seems to return to that day too, when his head was a mess of different situations, governed by the uncertainty of what could happen to him in the next minute.
I chose that photo because, aside from showing the good profile he has, it lets me see again how he has grown from both physical and mental aspects, all those quantitative and qualitative changes that I have been able to experience every day for the last two and a half months. I still don't believe so little time has passed.
"And it ain't just about one pic".
I take the phone just to enter my folder of images, specifically the one I made about him, I return it and I can swear that his jaw would have fallen to the ground because of how open it would be to see something like it, for the surprise of the number of photos and small videos that I have, all that I take regularly when he is clueless, but he is struck by those where he's staring at my phone when I recorded it, telling him that I preferred to hold it like that to read better, and he believed me.
He plays my favorite and it interrupts the song, he tilts the phone so we can both see it. The first thing you hear is our laughter, then I focus on him next to me at the dining room table, we ate a bowl of cereal on the first weekend we were alone, a little milk drained from the corners of his mouth and he makes an attempt so that the chewed cereal doesn't fall out of it.
"Okay, okay, I'll ignore ya just a second, school dilemma, meanwhile ya should make the funniest grin ya can think of".
Next to me he covers his face and lets out a nervous laugh, in the video he wrinkles his whole face, he raises the tip of his nose with a finger and the milk drains more from his lips, I loose myself to laugh while he tries not to choke, I give him a few pats on the back to save him, when he is free of the danger of suffocation he looks at me, or rather on the phone, and smiles, wrinkling his nose, and that's it.
He observes picture after picture, where he's reading, watching television, analyzing a point in the nothing, chewing, yawning, sleeping, laughing, angry, and video after video, doing many common and ridiculous things, I see him out of the corner of my eye and his are moving in different directions, now he's processing a large bank of information at the same time, his cheeks are blushing, and the tiny smile doesn't get erased at any time. I blush and shrink in my place when he comes to a specific one, the most embarrassing of them all, one in which I made a frame with my finger, simulating a heart, and with the inscription 'You rock my whole world. How the hell do ya do it?' in the bottom, with bright red letters.
I see through the window and I realize that we are a couple of streets from where we must get down, before I can tell him he gives me my phone, stretches a little his neck to kiss me on the cheek, pressing his whole face against mine, as if he wanted his nose to disappear against me.
"Well, I must admit that I'm very flattered, and I didn't think that you were the kind of stalker that takes photos".
"Can't help it, ya always seem to be in a good angle" I return him the kiss but I do it in the corner of his mouth, something he detests, but as he enjoys teasing me I will do it too. "And I confess that I still wonder how the hell ya do to rock my whole world".
"I admit I'd do the same, I'd take hundreds of photos of you, and I'd tell you so in the face, I knew something funny happened when you aimed at me with your camera like that, but I didn't say anything" he surrounds my neck with his arms before getting up, he rubs his cheek against mine and I start to growl. "Cheese!".
He surprises me when he takes a picture with the frontal camera, the first one where we are together, I turn my head when he ends and he pounces on me to give me a simple kiss, I keep my eyes open when the camera takes another picture, he laughs softly and I close my eyes to return him what he did, with butterflies in my stomach when he takes another picture, he gives them the go-ahead look and he gives me back my phone, all at the exact moment the bus stops.
We walk the five minutes it takes us to get to the aquarium from the bus stop with entwined hands, after a moment he places my arm over his shoulders and keeps his hand entwined with mine. I can't describe how good it feels to walk in this way, in such an open way; it feels right and it's okay to do it, everything works in an amazing way when I'm with him.
I have never been to this part of the city, I tend to go to the museum area just for school matters, so I don't get a big surprise when I see the aquarium, a simple white building with a huge sign stating its name, made with blue paint and some drawings that resemble some fishes, a simple fountain, and since passersby's seem to look at something on the floor, I imagine there is a glass floor to see what is inside. I don't stop myself frowning, it's not a very good impression to say, and yet we keep walking while he makes happy jumps under my arm; he wanted to come, I will not screw it for him.
The line to pay for tickets is relatively short, we talk a bit before giving away our school IDs to pay half of the ticket, of course mine is a fake one since I lost it just at the beginning of the school year, doing all the paperwork to get another one is boring, and it was easier to falsify it, anyway I enjoy from the same privileges as if it were real.
The lobby is not that impressive either, a couple of maritime artifacts here and there, paintings on the walls with moldings that resemble fish and boats, to give more ambience to the visit, we both read and observe the metallic plates under the frames, the smell of stagnant salt water comes to be very present, so I suppose the rumor of the huge pipe that runs from the ocean to here, which brings fresh water, isn't so true after all.
I don't characterize myself for being a skeptical person, I'm just the kind of lonely boy that dad has taught me to be, a teaching that I'm leaving aside, and even so I like to find the good side of things as far as I possibly can, I smile and cope when something is not of my total pleasure, so I swallow my bad impressions when the real "fun" begins.
"Hello, guys, welcome to the aquarium" says a lively and smiling girl, wearing a light blue uniform and khaki pants, "both of you are about to have a great adventure, but first we would like you to come over here".
The girl takes us and a group of students who are also visiting to a corner with a green screen, another boy with the same uniform has a professional camera hanging from his neck and a computer to the right.
"Very well, this is a station where we take pictures as a souvenir, you can choose among different backgrounds and at the end of the visit you can buy it".
"That sounds like fun" says Carlos, looking at some of the photographs on the wall. "Oh, I want one like this".
Among the backgrounds are penguins, seals, a decoration of plants and coral, a beach, and several types of sharks, he points to that last one, a joke I didn't think would come past that, and I just nod with a smile, he comes over and hugs me, he sinks his face into my chest and my arms surround him. He definitely ceased to be the Carlos I met some time ago, this Carlos is more daring and nervy, it was very clear with what he said in the department, more with what he does now.
Our turn for the photography comes and the camera guy asks us to pretend a shark attack, Carlos jumps into my arms and I can only limit myself to make a gesture of surprise, he points to the left and the camera flash shows up, it does it three times so that they can choose the one that looks better, then they point us the way we should follow towards an elevator, the doors get open and one of the employees presses the button so that we go down, only the two of us.
"You can take all the photos and videos that you want, it's forbidden to take photos with flash and put your hands in open areas, for your safety and that of our fishes. Enjoy your visit" she says, then the doors close and we begin to descend.
I start to walk in circles, I have a funny feeling in my stomach while we keep going down, he only looks at me with a raised eyebrow before doing the same, smiling when gravity takes effect on him.
"Have ya ever seen that movie where a girl says and does exactly what the girl up there did and after pressing the button those who are inside go plummeting towards their death?".
"You did not just say that" he throws daggers at me sideways, as if I had dug in his drawer of worse ways of dying. "No, I haven't seen it".
"Good, 'cause I don't either, mainly because it doesn't exist".
"It sounds like a crappy and unoriginal plot".
"Are ya saying that my ideas are crappy and unoriginal?".
He doesn't have the opportunity to answer since we stop, the impact of the arrival makes me feel a bit dizzy, and that was the point of all this. All he does is to punch my arm and rub his temples in a circular way, as if he were trying to lessen the dizziness, I stay with the feeling.
When the doors slide open is when I can put aside my bad first impressions, the elevator brought us to the start of the tour, a tank that could be similar to the size of a stadium, the hallway is firm while the walls and some sections of the roof are made of glass, which allow to see when various creatures swim by, as if the symbiosis between the confinement of a maritime creature and the captivity didn't bothered them in the least.
We step out and I turn my head, Carlos has his mouth open and a spark in his eyes, the same spark that I only see when he discovers something impressive in the heavy books he likes to read. He looks like a small child in a toy store, and as such I follow him with slow steps while he goes from window to window, section after section, observing and describing in detail each fish, jellyfish, seaweed, plant, sand color, type of decoration he sees, the ones he likes the most and which he doesn't.
I really take back what I had thought of the aquarium, while we keep moving we also go up again, as if we were traveling from the bottom of the ocean to the surface, I'm captivated by the new discoveries that I make at his side, when I see a fraction of everything that is hidden under water. Seeing sea turtles, scorpion fishes, subspecies of rays that swim over our heads, octopuses that camouflage with the seabed, starfishes, anemones with small clown fish inside of them, various types of coral and predators that hide inside of them, crabs and lobsters, and a contrast between poisonous and inoffensive animals, are stoking my curiosity to experience everything up close.
I follow an angel fish that swims quickly in front of me to the other side of the tank, it turns to the bottom and then I notice that Carlos is not with me, we must had split ways near the cylinder with huge jellyfish and I didn't notice it. I take a couple of photos of the tank before starting my search for him, which doesn't last long as I see him with his hands resting against a large glass where several schools of fish swim in different directions, they make an interesting optical illusion, as if the water would be transformed into something magical.
We are a little beyond half of the visit as the color of the walls has become lighter, the sunlight shines brighter than before, and the reflection of the sun in the water produces a peculiar phenomenon on him, as if his skin, his hair, and his clothes, had a vital energy beyond the ordinary. He turns his head a little and asks me to come to him with a finger, I do it when he takes his hands off the glass.
"Can I tell you the truth?" I cross my arms over his shoulders and down to his chest, I slide my hands into his pockets and place my chin on his shoulder, he can see my smile by the reflection in front of us. "I've never seen the ocean, or well, never in real life, just on television".
"We can go there sometime" I kiss him on the cheek and then he makes the necessary moves to face me, looking into my eyes and with his hands on my shoulders, "the others can go, Mal, Evie, Ben, Doug, and anyone else you want".
"I like the idea, although I was thinking more about you and me, alone".
He moves me to the core, I shudder for the safety with which he speaks, and it hits me with more force that he also sees us as something in the future, something that can work in a long term. Is this really happening? Yeah, it is.
"That can also happen" I draw his right eyebrow with my thumb.
"It's what I want to happen".
He gets up on the balls of his feet at the same moment that I lean on his face, our lips connect in perfect synchrony, I put my hands on his waist and his hands are imprisoned between our bodies, he makes small movements with his fingers to lift my shirt a little, his cold fingers touch my skin and it makes me bite his lower lip with force, he touches my muscles with simple rubbing, making me feel chills because of the sensation.
I wonder what would be happening if we were in a more private place.
We pull away when the need to breathe is imperative, those were a couple of seconds that were enough to take our breath away, then he turn on his heels and I return to my position to hug him from behind.
"Did ya think about what ya wanna eat?" I whisper against his neck, pressing my lips on every possible occasion.
"I have a craving for hamburgers and fries".
"Milkshakes too?" he nods. "I know a place".
"Mine will be chocolate" he assures, stroking my hands with his thumbs.
"We can share it".
"Sure, if you wanna have a sugar problem and develop a hatred for chocolate".
"If that makes ya happy then I don't care".
"Funny, if that is what it is about then we wouldn't have to eat something, 'cause with you it's enough for me to be happy "I blush, I feel the heat on my cheeks. "Now c'mon, there'll be a projection on jellyfish that I really wanna see".
We go up to the projection room, the walls become to a light blue tone and that tells me again that we are close to leaving here, but we barely take a place when my cell phone vibrates in my pocket, I see the screen and it's dad, I ask him to give me a minute and I go out to answer his call.
"What's up, dad" I say when I answer, and I try to mitigate my anger.
"Hi, Jay, I hope you're both having a great day, but…" he hesitates a little, something strange in him since he usually goes to the point whenever he calls or orders me to do anything. "I've been trying to call you for a while now".
"We were in an underground section, I just found reception here".
"Yeah, uh, you know, I really need you to come home" he sighs. "Both of you".
I was about to tell him to leave me alone when Carlos catches my attention when he touches my arm, he tilts a small smile and stares at a cylinder with coral and little fish inside while dad is silent on the other side of the line. Why does he have to ruin an incredible day with some stupidity?
"Dad, listen, our plan for the day…
"A situation came up, nothing serious but it is important, I really need you two to return as soon as possible, it's not something I can talk about in here".
I look up and Carlos nods, he must have seen something on my face to take that position, the understanding one. I take a very deep breath and he approaches to put his hand on my shoulder, he looks at me in the eyes and silently tells me that it's okay, that we will find another moment to be able to have a day like these, that if I play my cards well and I told dad to step aside.
"We're on our way".
I finish the call and snort, he takes my hand and entwines our fingers, he takes the lead and guides us to the exit, to the end of our second real date.
"He didn't explain much to me, he just said we needed to go back, something came up" I say, using the important details dad gave me.
"Just that?" he inquires, frowning.
"Yeah, just that" we take a huge leap in a pothole and I roll my eyes, hating the path the bus takes. "I don't know, maybe something happened with a relative, or maybe Joel slipped and got Jane knocked up".
"That's not the kind of thing you wish for someone close to you".
"I'm just giving suggestions, I'm not sure what's happening".
"On the kind and funny side, Mr. Jafar wouldn't have to worry about something like that happening to us".
"Good point, he wouldn't do it now or ever".
He likes those hints of the future together, now he puts his cheek on my shoulder and strengthens the entwining of our fingers, I give him a kiss on the hair and I leave my chin on his head as I look out the window, not knowing what could have happened, considering that everything was great when we left the apartment.
It's atypical that the bus is full for the hour and the day it is, for a moment it passes through my mind that an earthquake occurred and the buildings collapsed, an attack of some kind happened, there was a fire or an explosion, but Carlos's humming to the rhythm of the music is what keeps me grounded.
If something so important had happened I would have found out one way or another, the frenzied news of the radio would have told me, Mal, Evie, Ben, whoever, would have informed me and asked about my well-being, so I'm sure it's about a minor problem that dad decided to exacerbate, that's why I only focus on the music, the humming, and the scent that leaks out of the bus's exhaust pipe.
We get off at the stop that corresponds to us and we walk with a step more or less accelerated, I transferred the dumb anguish that dad caused on me for nothing to him and now we're both a little quiet, I wasn't surprised when we stopped talking on the bus, just to exchange comments on the photo of the aquarium, in which, ironically, a megalodon attacks us. He has one and I have another.
The guard of the complex greets us kindly, as he usually does if he's not asleep or when he decides to be inept in his work, we walk towards the building and the first thing that catches my sight is the coolest car I have ever seen.
"No way!" I release his hand and rush down the stairs in front of the building, I look inside the car, the leather clothes, the accessories, the external painting is neat and has a combination of sublime black and white nuances, there's not a single scratch in it or a speck of dust. It's a car with modifications, but the kind of modifications that give it more luxury. "Carlos, look at this! It's a Panther De Ville in perfect conditions! It's worth a freaking fortune!".
"I-I k-k-know" I look up at the moment I hear the tremor in his voice, he paled from one moment to the next, his whole body is trembling, as if he were seeing a ghost or something. "I-I know the o-o-owner".
"It's a lucky bastard to have such a nit car" I lower my joy for witnessing an automobile jewel like that and return to his side. "You okay?".
"I-I-I need a glass of w-water".
"Let's go up, anyway I must know what happened to dad, but if there is a car like that in front of the building then I want to think that it's about an heritage".
I open the main door of the building, Carlos stays outside and enlarges his eyes, he stretches his neck tremblingly and that forces me to step out to take his shoulders, when the door closes behind us he gives a start while letting out a squeak, as if we had just entered a haunted mansion. The road to climb the stairs up is just as difficult, he stays still on occasion and looks at his feet before lifting them, as if he had forgotten how to walk.
I keep asking myself what's going on, I want to ask him questions but at the same time I don't want him to continue acting like that, one of my hypotheses is that he has a problem since we haven't had lunch since this morning, but that can't justify something like that; it's something more important, very substantial. We stop in front of the door of the apartment and I hear him taking deep breaths, as if he were about to faint, I can't do anything about it since it's like if dad had heard us from down below, it's him who opens the door completely, and it's then when everything makes sense.
Sitting in the couch, in my couch, is her deranged mother, wrapped in a black and white coat with different kinds of patterns, wearing red leather gloves on her hands, her hair, black with ephemeral white areas, still looks as wild as in the photos we saw once, in her left hand she has a cigarette while holding a small plate with cookies, with her right one she lifts a cup of tea towards her mouth, drinking with her pinkie raised.
Carlos stands behind me and puts his hand on my arm, when Cruella turns her head in our direction he hides, clutching his hand to me. I sketch a tiny smile knowing that he will turn to me when he feels in danger, but she represents a danger I can't physically fight against. I look at dad and I don't like the expression on his face, because he doesn't say anything.
"Carlos! Sweetie!" his mother gets up and sets the cup on the folding table that dad puts on when there are visitors, her heels rattle on the floor and I force myself to step aside so she can talk to him.
She takes him by the cheeks and kisses him on multiple occasions, her lipstick doesn't leave a single mark on his still pale face, he wrinkles his whole face and tries to raise his hands to cover himself, I can't do more than stepping in and feel dad's hand on my shoulder. This is the situation not serious but that is important, it's more so than if Jane were knocked up with a curse that Joel can bring.
"Look to you! So tall, strong, and handsome, still wearing your mother's style, Jafar has done a very good job of taking care of you, my special little boy".
She says all those things about him but I don't believe them at all, her jaw is tense, her hands in Carlos's arms hold him firmly, when she takes him by the cheeks it's clear that it hurts him, it's as if she didn't like him to escape from her power, the sound of her voice is as false as the affection she tries to transmit in front of us. I look at dad and he raises his eyebrows, he doesn't believe her either.
"Mom, w-w-what are you doing h-here?" he manages to free his hands and lifts them to protect himself, she runs a hand down his cheek and looks at him.
"Oh, darling, I couldn't sleep, my designs have been bland, all the time I'm wondering about your welfare".
Out of nowhere she turns her head towards me, she is the living image of that portrait that is in the fireplace of their house, it's the same firm look that follows each one of my movements, a look that will be in my nightmares.
"Jay" she associates, I guess dad and she were talking about me, about us. "It's a pleasure to meet you" she extends her hand. "Cruella de Vil".
I answer her handshake for sheer cordiality, she stares into my eyes and squeezes her grip against my hand, demonstrating that she has the strength to cut down helpless animals in search of their coats to make clothes, and that she has the strength to break her own child, physically and mentally. Her firm grip makes me think of all the occasions when he caused marks on Carlos, those who have a terrifying history as background.
"M-mom?" all the attention turns to him, at last I can free my hand and my bones hurt. "Y-you still haven't t-t-told me what you're doing here".
"It's time for you to come home, son" unanimously it's decided that it is not a topic of conversation that others should listen to so they both come in.
Carlos is reluctant to sit down next to his mother, at first I think it's the fact that she is her, but when he looks at me it's as if he asked me for permission to use my space in the couch, and I lightly nod with my head to give it to him. I sit in front of them, dad sits back in the single couch, from here I see that Carlos stays bent over, he tries to take a cookie and receives a slap in the other hand as a reprimand, he clasps his hands between his thighs and he looks down, his mother places her face on her right hand, gracefully, and with the left she makes a move that only I see, she pinches Carlos's thigh and he only limits himself to take it, he shrinks and bites his lip to mitigate the pain.
"Jay" dad says in a whisper, a warning. He knows how I can react to stuff, and he knows that right now my blood is boiling with the fury I feel because of what Cruella does, and she knows I'm watching her, she smiles mockingly while she pinches Carlos harder.
"As I was saying, Jafar" she uses the same fake tone to talk to dad, I don't take my eyes off them, "I am totally grateful for your treatment towards my son".
"Well, he came here as a friend in need for my son, we extend a helping hand to those who require it".
Dad also lies, besides forcing the word 'friend' in his speech, he said something that goes against his ideas: we don't extend the hand to anyone, it's preferable that we turn our backs on someone who needs help, we shouldn't think in nobody but us. Me, myself, and I, basically.
The only thing I can be sure of is my feelings to Carlos, and his to me. They are strong, and real; they can cope with everything.
"And Carlos" she turns her head in his direction and leaves his thigh in peace, he barely looks at her sideways. "I was thinking everything more clearly, I know it wasn't the best way to take your news and I'm sorry, but it can be fixed, and…".
"He's not broken" I interject at last, sounding more relaxed than I thought.
"I'm sorry?" they both look at me, she with repressed anger since it's clear that she's not used to being talked back, he asks me to stop talking with the opening of his eyes and his fearful expression.
"Carlos isn't broken, he is a person, he is an amazing boy who is being himself, what he prefers is not something that can be fixed".
"I have ideals for my son, and I want him to follow them".
"Yeah, well, Mrs. de Vil, people are not here to satisfy anyone, they are here to be individuals, to be and do whatever their damn will is".
"What Jay is talking about, Miss de Vil" Dad managed to be affected by the kind of authority she tries to establish. He got bowed too, "is that it may be something difficult to understand at first, I personally had harsh interactions with him when I knew it, but after all I realized that it didn't change anything about him, only that I needed to know him a little more".
Dad never told me something like that, and he's not telling me so directly, we are both in defense of Carlos, but knowing that those times when there were discussions was because he tried to understand me, makes me feel different about him, in the way in how we have been relating since always.
We remain silent and it becomes into a fight of looks between her and me, like those that Mal and Maleficent usually have before she ends up doing what her mother orders her. I'm not going to give in, I can't let Cruella do what she pleases with me in front of her, not against the person that matters most to me in the universe, and even less in the space that is my home.
Finally she straightens her back, sketches a smile and puts a hand on Carlos's cheek so that he looks her straight in the eyes, another form of threat from which he can't escape. It's obvious that he will never be able to escape from her.
"Carlos, bring your things, mom has things to do and we're leaving. Now".
"Y-yes, mom".
Carlos gets up quickly and goes to my room, I take the defeat of a fight against a figure of authority that surpasses me by far before I get up and follow him, when I cross the door I see him standing between the beds, as if he were waiting for me to appear. Fuck it if I'm predictable.
I close the door behind us and I remain silent, he sighs before starting to gather his clean clothes on a mound, he piles up his school books, and he begins to fold the shirts and pants scattered in his section of the room. It's definitive, he's going to leave, and that activates all the emotions that are associated with the fear inside of me, that's why it comes the trembling in my hands.
"I'm sorry I talked, I couldn't stop".
"It's okay, it's good to know that someone is on my side".
"You know I'll always be on your side, dad will be too" he smiles a little, and then I return to the main point of what's happening. "You can't leave".
"We both knew that my stay here wasn't gonna last forever, and you know I'm not leaving because I decide to do it" he folds one of his school's trousers and places it on top of the pile of shirts that are inside that backpack where his luggage was in the first day he arrived here. I still remember it.
"You can choose not to do it" I take out the trousers and a couple of t-shirts too, I put them on my bed and he just sighs, giving them a look before continuing with his task of 'bring his things'. "Even better, I'll choose for ya, and you're not going anywhere".
"You know it doesn't work like that" he adds those clothes to the pile in my bed and he takes the whole thing to put it in the backpack, I take it out again and he just sighs loudly, resigned to what the future has for him. "Jay, stop it".
"I will not do it, not until ya say ya'll stay".
"Jay…" he looks at me briefly in the eyes, and now I know that he holds back.
He approaches slowly, the tips of his boots are touching against mine's, his shoulders are trembling visibly and so does his jaw, he looks into my eyes sporadically, with the most depressing smile on his face, and he puts a hand on my shoulder, I try to find his big brown eyes to make eye contact, so that an image of them gets completely recorded in my brain and I keep seeing them every time I blink, but he prefers to keep his eyes down, to be hunched and let me see the black roots of his hair.
I slowly raise my right arm and he turns his head, the way he tries to hide his head tells me that he has had that reaction before, towards a threat, something that happened today makes him react like that again, and it hurts that he thinks I'm going to hurt him. He snorts, like a horse, and mechanically he stretches his neck, as if his head weighed twenty tons and he was fighting against gravity so he could look at me in the face, with his jaw tensed and his eyes red.
"Tell me that you heart me" he asks, looking at me in the eyes and with a bunch of tears wiping in his, about to stream down his cheeks.
I place my hand on his cheek, cupping it, caressing his soft cheekbone with my thumb and swallowing the urge I have to join him in his crying moment, and it's not because he's leaving my side, I'm scared of everything that can happen to him from now on, is too uncertain to tolerate it.
"I heart ya" I lean forward and kiss him on the forehead, hearing that the sigh he emanates tries to speak for him.
"Now say it without me having to ask".
I move my lips away from his forehead and I pounce over his face, I stay at a relative distance from his lips, giving him the chance to pull away if he wants to, and since in the three seconds that elapse he does nothing but stay there I take it as the sign that I can continue, and I press my lips against his, placing my arms around his waist while his hands slide over my chest, over my shoulders, until they're entwined behind my neck, that's when he sighs once again, leaving me breathless.
Why the fuck did I have to wait until now to say it? Why? Why?
"I love you, Carlos" I whisper as we pull back a little, feeling something shrink inside my chest, in such an ambivalent way that I'm not sure how I should react to the feeling.
He looks at me in the eyes again, the consternation is written all over his face, and I don't know if my stupid smile does something more but emphasize all the emotions that are mixing in his face, mine's are swirling in my stomach and I feel like If I had been kicked in the stomach, sore, wanting to throw up, and unable to do it even if I wanted to try.
"Y-you… you what?" his lips stay apart, the minimalist action for his jaw to drop to the ground for hearing me say something like that.
"I love you, Carlos" I say again, with the same firmness in my voice even when my thoughts are scrambled. I really don't understand any of this.
"Don't do it, Jay, don't say something like that… not now…".
"It's now or never".
"Jay, I…".
"Carlos, I love you from the first day you came here, maybe from the first day I saw ya, I was never quite sure how I felt when you were around, but now I know it well "he steps back and I take his hands, I entwine our fingers and he just blushes. "I love what you do, I love what you think, I love what you say, I love what you feel, I just love everything about you".
He brings his body closer to mine, he gets up on the balls of his feet and sinks his nose into my neck, the hug becomes wet as his tears now impact against my skin, warm and slippery, his thin arms cling to me, only to what he can cling to now, to me and to what I say. He hasn't given me an answer.
Every moment on which our relationship was built has been rapid, almost hasty. Correction, it has been very hasty; I have liked many people throughout my life, I had never felt as a first timer to when I was close to him, much less to think about kissing one and, not to mention of talking about him.
It's like a silent pact: to give love and receive love, now I'm giving him mine, and I have his, although not with the same intensity, and that's fine.
"We'll go through this, I know it" I caress his back and he lets out a sigh of relief. "We are stronger than this, and…".
"I love you too, Jay, since the minute I saw you I knew I was destined to be by your side, and dammit, we are sublimely perfect".
I have always thought that nothing and nobody is perfect, but listening to him makes my ideas to be erased and I only strengthen my hug around him, it's as if in my mind I reviewed all the moments we've spent, all the jokes we laugh together, the funny moments, some bitter moments, but my happy memories win, the image of his perfect smile, the brightness of his eyes, how adorable his freckles are; thinking about all that shows me that I have a real and sincere affection for him, it is a great love and fascination towards him. I really love him.
Carlos moves his head from my shoulder and kisses me slowly, his tears and mine now form a river of happy sadness for the confession that arose because of a force outside of us, his lips get pressed slowly against mine and he transports me to that dimension in which only he and I are. A kiss has never told me as true as it does now, it's real, it's totally real, Carlos loves me and I love him, I don't want anyone else in my life from now on, and now I accept it, I don't have more choice than letting him go even if everything in me is opposed.
We move away at the same time, he cleans my tears and I his, then we both silently participate in the task of gathering all his things, we put some loose objects in the box that we rescued from his house, he puts the photos that I have given him in the bottom, so that they don't mistreat, and his trophy from the tournament at the top, we close his backpack with clothes and another one that he brought after a month of stay, then we sat down in my bed.
"So…" I start, not wanting to get anywhere and only to break the silence, because I want to continue listening to him talk and keep the memory of his voice. He, on the other hand, opens the box again and takes something out of there, a red beanie that he leaves in his hands, something I never saw him wearing.
"I wanted to give you this later, you know, to help your bad boy style up, and it occurred to me that we could use it to… uh, well, have a little fun blindly, if you know what I'm talking about" he puts it in my hand and entwines our fingers.
I take it with both hands and slide the cotton seams between my fingers, soft to the touch, almost like his skin, something that can transmit heat on a cold night, just as he did yesterday when we slept together. I detect the double meaning in what he says and still I ignore it, I don't want to create more fantasies in which he won't be in, at least not a couple of steps away from me.
"W-why now?" now he is in my drawer of fears.
"I know, I know, I can give it to you later, but I want you to have it now, it will be safer here, I don't run the risk of losing it" he chuckles, nervously. "You can use it later and we can resume our visit to the aquarium".
"Sounds like a good plan, one that we're gonna fulfill".
"Yeah, you know where to find me, I'll be there when mom isn't around".
"Carlos! Let's go!" yells Cruella from outside, the tone was enough for him to cling to my leg, again turning to me when he's feeling in danger.
I hate that he leaves in these terms, but neither of us can fight against it, it's a battle that we end up losing in the end, so I help him with his box and I open the door, he comes out first with the two heavy backpacks in his back, I follow behind him when I see that she and dad are standing in the living room.
"Well, Jafar, it's time for Carlos and I to leave" Cruella puts a hand on Carlos's neck when he stands next to her, she gives him a squeeze that again makes him cringe, then she puts a hand in her coat and takes out a checkbook with a fountain pen, she opens it and uses his back for support. "I hope this covers the expenses that you have had to make throughout this time".
"There is no need for a payment, we did it to help him".
"I'm sure it's so" she rips the check and extends it to dad, he takes it and his breath stops when he sees the amount of money written. I see it over his shoulder, not every day a deranged woman gives you a check for ten thousand dollars so freely. "Now, Carlos, say goodbye, there are things to do".
He puts his things aside and approaches to dad, after he processes all the money he has in his hands, he folds it to put it in his pocket, something that doesn't surprise me in the least, and if he runs to the bank when they are not here I wouldn't be surprised either, then he ruffles his hair, places his hands on his shoulders and gives him a hug, whispering how proud he is of him and that he hopes to see him soon here, that he could use his help, and that wouldn't hurt someone who can control me. Carlos replies how grateful he is to him for all his unconditional support and guidance in what he did.
"I'll see you later" he says to me, smiling.
"You are".
He hugs me and my hair hides when he puts his lips on my neck, he whispers in the lowest tone he can that he loves me again, I take a deep breath in his neck and I pat him on the back, we move away and his mother is the first to leave, without addressing a last word, her coat follows her path before he does, with the box in his hands and the backpacks on his back.
The roar of the car's engine makes me run to the balcony, his mother makes the maneuvers necessary to route the car to the exit, Carlos barely ends up raising his legs when she goes, stepping on the accelerator fully. Now that he's gone everything is more real, everything begins to fall inside of me little by little.
It's like a hole in the stomach, a void in the chest. I don't like it.
"Jay" dad puts his hand on my shoulder and I pull it away, not wanting to have a conversation now. "It'll be difficult, if you need to talk then come to me".
He pats me on the back and goes down the stairs to enter the apartment, I look at where he was standing and I see a small mound of papers on the floor, I kneel to see them more closely and I realize that it is the check, he smashed it, keeping his idea of not accepting a payment.
Suddenly I feel dizzy but with enough strength to climb to the roof, I put a lock on the door and I crawl to feel secure inside my shelter, I pull my legs next to my chest and I sink my face into my arms, letting my tears run down my cheeks, my sobs to be audible, and my emotions to be expressed.
Whoever said that happiness is ever lasting is a complete idiot, in fact it is ephemeral, it can be extinguished in the same way in which one blows a candle to extinguish the flame, I know because mine lasted two and a half months, and although it sounds very catastrophic, too devastating, and even stupid, I don't think I will feel that way with anyone else.
I want Carlos, I need Carlos, because I will always be invaded by him.