Being with Jacob eased the pain of being away from Carlisle, it numbed it away completely actually. The letter on the other hand was a shock, a break of disturbance in an otherwise calm place. Carlisle, despite his gentlemen like behavior, left Edward feeling useless. He wasn't sure if it was on purpose or if he just wanted to share his good news of engagement. If he wanted to actually break the teenager, and strip him of his hopes he did. But Jacob was the light in that darkness.
Sure, a year ago he would have not thought twice about Jacob, he still would have been the over protective, dick, who was completely in love with the thought that their friendship was crumbling solely because of Edward. But that wasn't the truth. They each had their own complicated version of how and why their relationship ended, but things were different now. Through some complex star alignment, Jacob and he were finally together…kind of.
Edward at this moment was sitting on his blue bed staring down at the letter that Carlisle had sent in the mail. At the time of showing it to Jacob he felt worthless, unwanted in the eyes of the man he loved and cared for above everyone. But, Jacob made that pain go away.
Although, after he left Jacob's house, the feelings came back and he wanted to puke. He'd went up to his room for ten minutes, but then ran to his bathroom and saw his breakfast reentered the earth and into his toilet.
After he felt much better, but he still didn't feel right.
Now sitting on is bed he was beginning to realize he might be…using Jacob to feel better. Like a drug almost. Whenever thoughts of Carlisle crept into his mind, filled his dreams, and washed over him in the bathtub, his next instinct was to find Jacob.
This morning had been an example of that. He had a bad dream and three hours later he was in Jacob's bed saying things to him he believed in that moment.
He hated himself.
He was sick of himself.
But most of all he was using his friend, his…now lover to make himself feel better about a break up he could do nothing about.
"I'm sorry Jacob…" Edward whispered to himself. But were his feelings truly false? In the moment Jacob under him seemed so right and when he asked him if he liked him too, it seemed right. It wasn't until he was down the street that he started to think about it, really thing about his actions. That he stumbled upon the idea that maybe they weren't feelings but merely an addiction to heal him for a time. So the real pain could be numbed.
"I can't keep doing this to him…if…my feelings aren't real." Edward said to himself as he started to cry. He hated that about himself. He hated how easily he cried.
His thoughts were broken by the sound of his phone ringing and picked it up without thinking. "Hello?"
"Hey…" Jacob said from the other end making his stomach flip.
"Hi."
"Are you okay, you don't sound good?"
"I…just threw up."
"Are you sick?" Panic entered Jacob's voice.
"No…no, I'm just…confused."
"About what?"
Edward went silent for a moment. What could he really tell Jacob without things going from great to horrible in under five minutes? The thought of telling him his true feelings were too much.
"Edward?"
"I'm sorry…I'm just not feeling really well."
"Is your mom home? Should I come over?"
He'd just seen Jacob two hours ago, seeing him again would make his heart explode. He didn't know what to say.
"Hello?" Jacob called.
"I'm here…she's in the backyard and you don't have to come over if you don't want to."
"No, I want to if you aren't feeling good."
"I'm okay. I'm just…I don't know."
"Edward, if there is something wrong you need to tell me."
Edward thought it over for a moment, maybe a moment too long because he hung up the phone without another word. Jacob called three more times before his phone went silent. He's going to be here in 15 minutes.
Edward got up and headed downstairs now and toward the back of his house. Lucky had sprung up from his spot in the living room and joined him outdoors.
"Hey, Edward." His mother said softly as he son came outside with dog in tow.
"I'm going to take a walk around the neighborhood with Lucky." Edward announced.
Elizabeth looked up at her son, but just nodded in return. "Okay." She said and Edward was gone, heading around to the front of the house. He started up the street and on his way passed Carlisle's house, but stopped short. On the front lawn was a For Sale sign by a broker named Emily C.
Edward felt his heart sank, but didn't stop walking. He kept walking up the street, passed his neighbors who waved and he waved back. Miss. Baker, Dr. Johnson, Mrs. Cape, Mr. Hines, all the way around to the small park on the other side of his community and then rounded two blocks before headed down a side street that came up the opposite direction to his house from which he started.
"Hey."
Edward didn't look up.
"HEY!"
He stopped now. He saw Lucky turn and walk into the street and he followed his friend until his eyes met Jacob's eyes in his car.
"I just came from your house. Your mom said you went for a walk."
Edward nodded.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Edward, stop bull shitting me." Jacob hissed putting his car in park and cutting the engine. He got out and walked around; standing now in front of Edward on the sidewalk. "Speak."
Edward shook his head.
Jacob rubbed his face. "It was that fucker, wasn't it?"
"Jacob…"
"What the fuck is-"
"Jacob! It doesn't have to do with that…not really anyway…" Edward looked down at the ground and felt his heart start to beat fast. He didn't want to have this conversation. Especially not outside in front of the Greenburg's house with the sun setting.
"Then tell me. I'm beggin' ya. I came all the way out here because I thought you were sick or something else stupid, and now…shit, Edward, I need you to speak to me! Anything!"
"I can't."
"You can! Just try!"
The teen looked up into the sky and took a ragged breath. "I've been thinking."
"Shit." Jacob mumbled.
"And I don't know…if…I really actually like you or if I might actually just be using you."
"Using me?"
"Ever since we started seeing each other I keep feeling like maybe I don't like you and maybe I'm just using you to forget…him…" Edward was whispering now.
Jacob opened his mouth to speak, but closed it several times. He shook his head and put his hands on his hips and turned away from Edward. "You got to be fucking kidding me. You have to be!"
"I'm sorry."
"What the fuck do you want, Edward?" He turned back to face him. "What the actual fuck do you want in life? Do you want some 40 year old guy feeling you up or do you want an actual boyfriend, or are you just so fucked up in the head now that you can't even make heads or tails with who the fuck you are?"
"That's not fair!"
"NO! This shit isn't fair! It's been three months! FUCKING THREE! I'm tired of his shit! What the hell am I to you? A fuck boy?"
"No!"
"Shut the fuck up!" Jacob shoved Edward and backed up, pushing a hand through his long hair. "Shit."
"It…wasn't supposed to be like this!" Edward felt tears streaming down his face as he tried to keep himself together. Why did this always have to happen to him?
"Seth was fucking right." Jacob mumbled.
"Seth?" What did Seth have to do with this?
"He might be young, but at least he fucking understands what actual human feelings feel like!" Jacob sat. He started to pace for a moment, shoving his hands in his pockets and thinking. Edward stood near the curb in the street watching him.
"Seth has a crush on you." Edward said so softly he thought Jacob didn't hear him until he was in his face a moment later.
"You think I don't fucking know that? You think I'm fucking blind, Edward?" Jacob snapped.
"No, I just…I…" Edward covered his face and let out a frustrated sound. When he pulled his hands away he saw Jacob heading to his car. "Where are you going?"
"Home. I don't need you bullshit. For a second Edward I thought we actually had something going. I thought this morning you wanted to finally make it official, but clearly I got the wrong impression." He ripped the door open and got inside. Edward hurried over just as he slammed it shut and gunned the engine to life.
"I'm- I do like you Jake! I'm just really confused."
"It took you three months to be realize that?" Jacob asked, and Edward could hear the heart break in his voice. "What the fuck about me? Have you ever in your damn life thought about me, you selfish prick?"
Edward opened his mouth, but Jacob put the car in drive and drove past him, leaving the teen alone now in the middle of the street. In the front of everyone. It was becoming clear he wasn't getting a happy ending.
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Thank you for reading and please review!
(I'm back finally and may I say I made a mess of Edward and Jacob and I regret nothing! *Flies away on a magic carpet*)