February 14, 2015
"Valentine's Day is just a scam anyway," Yosuke spits through a half-chewed truffle. "It's all about making money for candy companies. Girls buy chocolates for their boyfriends, and us single dudes buy chocolate for ourselves so we can eat away our loneliness." He tosses me a box of chocolates.
"If you know it's a scam, why did you buy so much chocolate?" I ask.
"Look," he begins, pausing to swallow, "just because I know it's a scam doesn't mean chocolate isn't delicious." Fair enough. I unwrap my box and lift the lid, tossing the plastic into the trash bin by our bench. Classes are over for the day, but I suspect neither Yosuke nor I want to go home. There's nothing and no one waiting for us there, so instead we sit on a bench at the outdoor mall near campus beneath the fittingly grey sky, pretending the other shoppers passing by are a substitute for actual company.
I look down at the chocolate. Just looking at it is depressing, especially knowing it's from Yosuke. The sight of it actually decreases my appetite. So I put the lid back on.
"I don't know, I'm not hungry right now."
"Suit yourself," he smiles, popping another chocolate in his mouth.
—
February 8, 2015
I've no idea what awaits me when I pick up, other than I know she's not happy with me. But I also know running away won't make anything better, quite the opposite. The only real choice I have is to pick up. And so I do. I pick up the phone, and I slide my finger across the screen to answer the call. And I speak, softly, slowly, into the microphone:
"Hello?"
"Hi, Narukami-kun." Are we on a last name basis now?
"I've been trying to call you for weeks."
"Maybe you should've taken the fact that I wasn't answering as a sign," she groans. "I told you last time we spoke I needed some time to think about things. And then you just call me and leave me voicemails anyway!"
"Listen, I swear I told you the truth. Nothing happened between me and Kiyomi. We were just friends."
"That's not even what this is about!" Her voice sounds rougher, older than I remember. She takes a breath and sighs, "I believe you. Okay, maybe I felt a little jealous, but I don't think you did anything. But that's not the point."
'Then what is the point?"
"That you're still being weird! I…" She trails off, the silence hanging in the air like a ghost, until she breaks it. "I didn't want to do this, Narukami-kun, but I can't keep this up anymore. I can't."
"What do you mean?" My heart feels prepared to shatter.
"You've changed. I don't know what happened, but you've changed. I know you've been kind of out of it lately, and I've tried to be there for you, but you just keep shutting me out. I can't keep fighting for this, Narukami-kun. I'm not sure you even care anymore." No. Please, no.
"Of course I care! I know I haven't been myself, and I swear to you I'm working—"
"Yeah, you care now," she cuts me off, "but if I give you another chance, will anything actually change? You keep saying you're going to stop being distant, you keep saying you're trying to change, but you aren't doing any of it! You're… you're not the Yu-kun I knew anymore."
I can barely keep my grip on the phone; my hands quake uncontrollably. This can't be happening. Not now, of all times. "Please, Chie, I lo—"
"I'm sorry, Narukami-kun. Goodbye."
The call disconnects - that's it? That's how it ends? I drop the phone on my bed and lay back, staring absently up at the ceiling. I know I should feel upset about this, that I should cry, that I should scream and despair. But I don't. Perhaps it just hasn't struck me yet that she broke up with me; perhaps the full impact of that hasn't sunk in. But I don't think that's entirely it, either. I think I've known this was coming for a while. Some part of me expected and prepared for it. So this doesn't feel like a shock; I'm sure it will hurt considerably later, but right now, it just strikes me as the inevitable conclusion of something that was always destined to be transient.
—
February 14, 2015
Yosuke and I stroll down the walkways of the mall, filled with shoppers trying to get their significant others last-minute gifts. As we walk past each storefront, I catch a glimpse of my own reflection in the glass windows - my hair shaggy, my face tired, my eyes baggy. Is this really how I look now? Just as I'm about to turn my head away to face elsewhere, we pass an empty alleyway between two buildings, and something catches my eye. I stop and stare at a shining, elaborately-decorated blue doorway at the end of the alley. Was it always there? It couldn't have been. Yosuke notices me stop.
"What's up?" he wonders. Right, he can't see the door.
"I've gotta do something real quick, I'll meet up with you in a few minutes."
"Oh… kay?"
I walk to the doorway, and as I near the door, a key appears in my hand. So I jam the key into the door and open it, and my vision fades to white. The next moment, I find myself sitting once more in the backseat of the Velvet Room, and once more I can't see a thing through all this fog. So I put on the glasses conveniently seated in my lap, and sitting across from me are Igor and Margaret, as always.
"Welcome to the Velvet Room," Igor greets me. "Well now, we weren't expecting to see you again so soon. Might I ask what brings you here?" Weren't expecting me, my ass. They must have known I wanted to come, or that door wouldn't have been there.
"You're the ones who told me about Social Links, weren't you? You're the ones that said I'd forged bonds that could never be broken."
"Quite right," Igor agrees.
"You lied."
"I did no such thing," he insists, his toothy grin as wide as ever. I just want to punch his stupid, huge nose.
"Then what the hell is going on?" I scream. "How do you explain what's happening with me and Chie?"
"Your bond with the Chariot arcana is still at maximum," Margaret butts in. What? How?
"No way," I sputter.
"Your belief in that fact doesn't matter," she shakes her head, "it's true regardless."
"So, what does that mean?"
"Surely you know we cannot answer such a question."
Of course not. Always cryptic, always vague, these Velvet Room people. I can tell I'm not going to get any more out of them, so I leave the Velvet Room furiously and return to the alleyway, where Yosuke stands, gazing at me uncomfortably.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Why were you spaced out and staring at the wall?" he asks back. "It was just like when you used to go to that Velvet Room place back in the TV world."
"That's what I was doing," I admit.
"Whoa, really? What's going on? Did something happen?"
"No," I deflect. "Everything's fine." His face suggests doubt, but he moves on.
"Well, anyway," he changes course, "before we go home, we should probably grab a bite to eat. If you don't mind splurging a bit, there's a steakhouse nearby… oh, sorry." He frowns. "I forgot steak is probably a sore subject for you right now." My best response to that is a blank stare.
—
"So how are you feeling, really?" Yosuke turns and asks as we ride the train back to the dorm.
"It's the first Valentine's Day in three years that I've been single for," I answer simply. That should say all he needs to know. He scratches the back of his head.
"Don't let it get you down, man. When we get back to the dorm, you and I are gonna bust out the booze, chow down on some chocolate, and play games all night long until our fingers bleed."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" That was probably rude of me. "I really appreciate it, Yosuke, but I think I just want to be alone tonight."
"No you don't," he responds, "but I get it."
He's right. I don't want to be alone, I want to be with Chie, but that's not happening. And in her absence, I'll just wallow in self-pity in my bedroom as I have most nights for the past year or two.
When we get to the dorm, I head straight to my bedroom and shut the door. I set my phone down on my desk, its screen lit up with the date and time - 7:24 PM, 14 February 2015. This time a year ago, Chie had come to the dorm to visit. She and I were probably still wandering the streets, taking in the sights, sounds, and smells of the city. Before the night ended, I treated her to dinner at some expensive restaurant, and then we came back to the dorm and spent a long time together here in my bedroom. Sigh. As I set the phone down, I notice something else still resting on my desk - that scrap of paper Kiyomi gave me a few weeks ago, her phone number and email address written on the front. Why haven't I thrown it out yet? Actually, perhaps it's better I didn't - if something like that ended up in the wrong hands…
Ugh, this is miserable. Am I seriously just going to spend the night alone in my room, again? Is this honestly what I want to do with my time? No, I refuse. I walk back out into the living room, where Yosuke sits watching TV and stuffing chocolate into his mouth. He tilts his head back towards me.
"What's up?"
"I changed my mind," I say. "Let's do something."
—
Beer cans and chocolate wrappers litter the table in front of the sofa as Yosuke and I mash the buttons on our game controllers.
"No, no, nonono—"
K.O.!
"Aw, come on," Yosuke cries after losing his third fight in a row in Eternal Punishment Arena. "This is bullcrap," he rubs his tired eyes, "Jun just can't match Tatsuya. Tatsuya's got too much attack power."
"Jun's better at defense. Don't be a sore loser," I goad, taking another chug of beer. He puts his controller down and leans back on the couch with a yawn, stretching his arms out. He wraps one of them around my shoulders.
"Listen man," he slurs, having clearly drank a few too many, "don't feel bad about Chie." He hiccups. "She's stupid for leaving you."
"I don't know," I reply. "We'd been growing apart for a while there. I saw it coming."
"No, dude, I'm telling you," he stops to burp and poke his free index finger at my chest, "you were always too good for her anyway. I know you've been all weird and sad and stuff lately, but she's gotta stick with you through that kinda crap."
"Don't say that about her. You know she's got self-esteem problems."
"Ish true," he pushes back, his voice increasingly harder to understand. "Anyway, don't worrybout it. 's long as I'm here, you always got someone who cares aboutya." He lays his head on my shoulder. "As long… as…" He trails off before breaking into a snore. Yup, he's passed out. I slip out from under his arm and lay him down. What time is it, anyway? Only eleven, says the wall clock. This god-forsaken day still hasn't ended, then. I go to Yosuke's bedroom and grab his blanket from his bed so I can drape it over him on the couch, then head back to my room to see if I might be able to get some sleep. I check my phone for any notifications (there are none), my eye catching once more on the scrap from Kiyomi's notebook on my desk.
So I curl up in my bed, hoping for the sweet release of sleep to take me away from tonight, yet all I can think about as I lie here is how empty the bed feels without her next to me. She broke up with me nearly a week ago now, but until tonight there's been no tangible difference in my life as a result. Tonight's the first time that her absence really affects me, and I notice how desperately I wish she were here. As I consider this, a thought occurs to me. A terrible thought, but a tempting one.
The thought refuses to leave my head. Unable to sleep, I get over and walk to my desk, and even as I take a seat a part of me screams inside that this is a horrible idea. Honestly, right now, I just don't care. I grab a pen and slide the piece of Kiyomi's notebook in front of me, and knowing full well what I'm doing, I put the pen to the paper.
—
I'm back in the forest from before, standing on the stone walkway leading to the shrine. A quarter moon glows overhead. I suppose this is just where this scrap of paper takes me, then. I look around, but all I can see is more forest. Kiyomi mentioned something before - something about how, normally, this world is pure white, and it's our desires that make it take form. Perhaps I need to find a place like that? I know the shrine lies ahead of me, so perhaps I should turn around and see where that leads me.
So I walk down the stone path away from the temple, only to find that it seems to go on for quite a ways. It's difficult to tell if I'm even making progress; around every bend in the road, all I see is more bamboo and more walkway. All of this just makes me further doubt that I should ever have tried to come here again at all. I knew it couldn't end well. As I think this, someone taps me on the shoulder. Even before I turn around, I know there's only one other person it could be.
"You've got some nerve coming back here," Kiyomi scowls. Unlike last time, she's dressed in her more usual black shirt and skirt outfit. Immediately I notice something is off, though it takes me just a second to snap to it - she's wearing an equally-black eyepatch over her left eye.
"What happened?" I ask, pointing to the patch.
"It doesn't matter," she responds curtly, crossing her arms. No one wants to give me a straight answer today. "What are you doing here? Did you come to insult me some more?"
"No," I reply.
"Then what?"
"I don't know. I wanted…" I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to even speak of what it is I came here for. So I think up something else. "I want you to show me how this world works."
"Why? Isn't coming in here cowardly? Don't you have everything you need out in the other world?" I am too tired and too inebriated to get into this with her. I can't even really judge her that much, considering my own situation.
"I'm sorry," I plead, "I just want this one thing. That's all. Please help me." Perhaps she sees the desperation written on my face, but her furious expression softens considerably. She takes a step closer to me.
"Okay," she concedes, her voice sweeter than I would have expected, "I understand. First, we need to go somewhere empty."
"How?" I ask. She grabs my hand and locks her thin fingers in mine. The next instant, the sights and sounds of the bamboo forest have evaporated. We stand now in what appears as an empty white void; I seem to be standing on solid ground, but there's no way to differentiate the floor from the air. All I see is white, and her, standing next to me.
"What now?" I inquire.
"Close your eyes," she instructs me, "and just give it a moment." I oblige. As I close my eyes, I picture the scene in my head, exactly as I want it. The smell of the salty seawater, of her citrusy shampoo. The sound of the waves rolling over the sand. The sight of the sun descending over the horizon, reflecting in the water. And just as these sensations run through my head, my nose begins to pick up that exact scent. I feel Kiyomi's hand separate from mine, and I open my eyes.
I'm standing on the shore of Shichiri Beach, looking out over the horizon as the sun sets, the surrounding sky a perfectly beautiful blend of purple and orange mirrored by the ocean beneath. Waves wash gently over the sand. And standing to my right, dressed in her thick green winter coat, is Chie.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Chie asks. Is it really her?
"It is," I answer. Chie wraps her arms around my right arm and holds it tightly, resting her head against my shoulder. I tilt my head behind me to see Kiyomi leaning into the railing behind us, staring out to the horizon. She's the only thing breaking the illusion. I turn back and look out over the ocean.
"Chie," I whisper.
"Hmm?" She snuggles my arm.
"Tell me you'll never leave me."
"Of course not," she whispers back. I know for fact that she's lying. This Chie is just telling me what I want to hear. But somehow, despite that, it still makes me feel better to hear it.
"Tell me you'll always be there for me."
"I will."
"I love you."
"I love you too." Chie lets go of my arm, so I face her. The next moment she hugs me so powerfully she knocks me on my back onto the sand. She presses her lips against mine and mine obey, allowing her tongue to enter my mouth. Even the texture of her lips, the movement of her tongue, all of it feels utterly real. Out of the corner of my eye I see Kiyomi walk away, leaving Chie and I alone on the shore to enjoy whatever this is. But right now, I don't care what it is. I'm with Chie, on the beach, on Valentine's Day. That's all I want.
February 15, 2015
Chie rests her head on my chest as we lie down and stare up at the starlit sky. Stars are a rarity to see in Tokyo through the glow of the city and all its lights and smoke, but out on the rural beach where the air is clear, they speckle the night like glitter. As we lie there, my eyes grow tired; if it was around eleven o'clock when I came here, I can only imagine how late it is now. Falling asleep here is probably a bad idea - what if Yosuke finds I'm gone when he wakes up? - but it's difficult to fight the urge with how tired I feel and how comfortable I am laying on the beach with Chie on top of me.
Just as I'm starting to nod off, I hear someone walk on the steps behind us. I look over at Kiyomi, who sits on one of the steps, writing fervently on a notepad she rests against her knees. I wonder briefly why she's not writing in her usual notebook before the obvious answer occurs to me. She pauses every few moments to stare up at the sky before putting her nose back in her pad.
"Still not gonna tell me what you're writing in there, are you?" I ask her, rubbing my eyes.
"Nope." Didn't expect her to, but it was worth trying.
"What would you do if I snatched that notepad while you weren't looking?"
"Tsch," she says, "you would do that, wouldn't you?" I feel like she's almost holding back a laugh. Come to think of it, have I ever heard her laugh?
"What's that supposed to mean?" I reply, but she doesn't answer, continuing to write in her notepad. "Anyway," I continue, "I'm trying to share a moment with my girlfriend and you're intruding. Right, Chie?"
"Yeah, I want to be alone with Yu-kun," Chie agrees, rolling over and pouting in Kiyomi's direction.
"First of all, that's not your girlfriend, she dumped you—"
"How did you know that?" I point out. She pauses, and I swear I see her, er, eye widen for a moment before answering.
"Because you wouldn't be here otherwise," she finally responds, rolling her only visible eye as her words jab an emotional stake into my heart, "and anyway, of course that thing agrees with you. It'll say whatever you want it to say." Until Kiyomi came back, I had almost managed to forget this was all fake. So thanks for that.
"You didn't have to rub it in," I say. She purses her lips and puts her notepad down beside her.
"You're right," she sighs. "I'm sorry."
"An honest apology from you? Never thought I'd see the day."
"Now you're the one being an asshole, jerkface." She's right, so I back down. I turn back to the Chie laying on top of me, and I'm suddenly overwhelmed with disgust. Now that Kiyomi's shattered the illusion, all I see when I look at her is a gross manifestation of my own regret. I push Chie off of me, and presumably because this world knows I don't want her anymore, she simply fades out of existence. Kiyomi, looking concerned, gets up and walks over to me. She kneels down and puts her hand on my shoulder.
"Are you okay?" she asks.
"This was a mistake," I reply. "I'm not going to pretend I didn't want this tonight, but I can't come here again." I expect her to get angry at me like before, but instead she just looks upset. I can't read this girl. Her hand slips off my shoulder, defeated.
"Fine," she says, looking away. "It's not like I wanted you to come back, anyway." She says that, but her drooping body language tells a different story. She makes no sense. In any case, though, I've been here long enough. Just as before, all I do is wish to go home, and my vision fades to white. The next thing I know, I'm seated back at my desk, and the clock on my phone says it's two in the morning. Way past time to go to bed.
—
"Good morning," Yosuke greets me as he stumbles in to the living room at around nine in the morning. I'm over in the kitchen, preparing breakfast and coffee.
"Morning," I reply back, flipping an egg in the sizzling pan.
"Oh man, that smells delicious," he says, sitting on the couch and flipping on the TV. "Let me know when it's done."
"Will do."
"Hey, by the way," he transitions, "did you go somewhere last night?" Shit. My whole body locks up for just a second.
"What? No, I didn't. Why?"
"I don't know. Maybe my memory's a little fuzzy, but I feel like, we were playing games over here, and then I fell asleep on the couch. Then I woke up last night and decided to go sleep in my bed, and when I went to check on you in your room, you weren't there." Ugh, I figured he'd be asleep the whole time I was gone.
"I was definitely here. I was probably in my bed asleep by then. You were probably just tired and didn't notice."
"Yeah, maybe so," he shrugs. Crisis averted. "Oh, and uh, I didn't… well…" He trails off.
"Didn't what?"
"I didn't say anything, er, weird… last night… did I?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like… well, never mind. Forget I said anything."
END OF PART TWO
This month marks one year since I first published chapter one online! Back then, I was actually planning on releasing a chapter every week. I managed to do it for about four weeks before it all fell apart. At the time I started writing, I was on medical leave from my job, so I had a lot more free time to devote to it. I actually wrote the first three chapters in about two weeks, altogether. The creation date for the Scrivener file (I switched to Ulysses around chapter six - if you have a Mac, I highly recommend it!) I started writing in was May 8, 2014, and I published chapter one to AO3 on the 18th. At that point I already had chapter two finished and was about halfway through chapter three. Time flies, doesn't it?
Oh, right, there's a chapter to talk about. Where to begin? One thing I've put a lot of thought and focus into is making Yu relatable. I believe that in my generation (I'm an early-twenty-something), there's a lot of people who feel stuck in their lives, and I wanted Yu to capture that in a believable way that makes sense for his character. Fortunately, because Yu is such a blank slate in many ways, there were gaps to fill in - despite him being so social in P4, it's easy to imagine that he was a bit more isolated prior to the game due to his parents' work, for instance.
But something that's always bothered me about Yu's characterization in so many works is that he's Mister Perfect. He's smart, he's charming, he's powerful, he's determined, he's caring, and everyone in P4 is practically (or often literally) in love with him. So something that was really important to me in this story is to show Yu as deeply flawed. There's a line I wrote back in chapter seven that Chie said - "I'm not strong. I try so hard to be strong, but I'm really weak. The only reason I feel like I can do anything is because you and the others are there by my side." I think, while that's something Chie feels, it's even more true of Yu. Without his friends he feels alone and powerless.
This is something especially touched on in the anime, both in the Shadow Mitsuo fight and the True Ending bonus episode - Yu's greatest fear is losing his friends. You could almost say MotC as a whole is built around the situation depicted in the anime's Shadow Mitsuo fight, where everyone just kind of drifts apart once the case is solved and Yu begins feeling lost and alone. P4 of course ends on a very positive note even after the protag moves away, but in truth, keeping friendships and romantic relationships going long distance is incredibly difficult. It's possible, but it's not inevitable by any means. (I… may know this first hand.)
And the second half of this chapter, where Yu goes into the notebook world and imagines being back at Shichiri Beach with Chie… that's Yu giving into his darkest impulses. You might remember chapter one of this story actually started with lines paraphrased from Yu's "Shadow" in the True Ending episode of P4: The Animation, where he admits that part of him would rather live in a lie surrounded by his friends than live in reality without them. Yes, this is a theme I've been trying to build on since day one, haha. The ending of this chapter is Yu giving into that side of him, telling himself it's okay, it's just this one thing. I think that's actually a fascinating flaw for him to have, given P4's defining central theme about always searching for the truth. What if Yu has trouble dealing with the truth? How does Yu cope with uncomfortable truths?
The chapter title this time comes from the Pink Floyd song of the same name, from the album… also of the same name. Aside from the surface layer reading - Yu wishes Chie were there - the last verse also spoke to me about Yu. "Running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears."
As always, I love to hear from you all. I deeply appreciate all of the comments and reviews I've received, they mean a lot to me. Having personally battled with depression, I am incredibly honored and touched to hear from readers who say they can relate to Yu's struggle or that reading this story helped them in their own lives. As far as I am concerned, all my readers are superheroes, and I'm rooting for you. Please feel free to comment or review the story here, or reach me at glimpseofamemory dot tumblr dot com. And don't be scared by the "end of part two" at the end of this chapter - there will be a part three. Until then.
- Akinari