A/N - Most of the final Tony section of this was written/structured by the very talented scousemuz1k whom I'd like to thank for pulling me out of quite a hole and improving this chapter no end.
Meanwhile just along the corridor...
The pounding in his head had been matched by the pounding of his heart as he'd walked between Lecar and Hamilton from Vance's office to the conference room. He crosses the room and pours himself a cup of water hoping they don't notice his slightly shaking hands. He drinks, places the cup on the table and sits down trying to smile at them with a confidence he doesn't really feel.
"So guys what do we do now?"
The agent and the detective exchange glances unsure of who should speak first.
"Anyone?"
"Well director Vance did suggest you give us an account of your actions last night." Lecar replies his tone clearly indicating he knows this is not about happen.
"And my boss told me to wait for a lawyer. Who do ya think I'm going to listen to?"
"Okay. Then I'll explain what might happen next."
"I'm a very special agent, I know what might happen."
"Still it is best we act by book" adds Hamilton.
"Why are you even here detective? Isn't it a conflict of interest to have someone from Sparrs' squad investigating?"
"My captain wanted to be sure that nothing was covered up. Director Vance graciously allowed me to come aboard as a representative for Metro PD to make sure that doesn't happen." She glares at him.
"But there's nothing to cover up!"
"There's no need to shout agent DiNozzo."
He hadn't realized he was shouting. Again the voice in his head repeats "No, no wait." He takes another swig of water.
"As I was saying I should explain what might happen. Even if Lieutenant Sparr decides not to press charges Internal Affairs will probably go ahead with an investigation of its own. In fact now that this information has been brought to our attention that is almost a certainty."
"Oh." He has not yet thought that far ahead.
"If you are investigated for improper conduct in relation to your interactions with a female colleague there are three possible findings that could be made. Substantiated means the allegations have been found to be proven. Unsubstantiated means there is no conclusive evidence to prove or disprove the claims. Unfounded means the allegations have been proven to be untrue."
"Which they will be because they are." He glares at them.
"Come on agent DiNozzo we all saw you" an obviously frustrated Hamilton interjects.
"Saw me do what?" The words are out before he can stop them. Surely admitting that his memory of the past night is somewhat vague will only encourage them to doubt him.
Fortunately in her annoyance Hamilton appears to not quite understand the full meaning of what he's just said. "We all saw you kiss her and the way you kissed her."
"I kissed her. Re-ah-lly. What was wrong with the way I kissed her?"
"After you won the darts game. You had your tongue halfway down her throat. You were flirting with her all night. It was obvious what you wanted. Typical guy."
Random thoughts swirl in his mind. But she'd been flirting with him too right? Probably best not to say that out loud. Ever since the case began. Asking him to dinner. Those soft lips under his after the game. The way she'd pinched his butt when they'd passed each other by the toilets. All those double entendres as the night had gone on. Those sexy little smiles. He'd been so hot, desperate. Skin feeling like silk. Feeling the blood coursing through his veins. He had to have to sex. What could be more life affirming after all this talk of death. He had to have her. Oh, yeah she wanted it alright and he was just the man to give it to her. What? That wasn't way he'd ever thought about a woman. What the hell is going on?
"Detective Hamilton that's enough."
Tony's thoughts are interrupted by Lecar's reprimand to the detective.
"You can see why director Vance thought it would be best if you told us what happened now. While it's fresh in your mind."
Fresh in my mind? That's ironic. If he knew how little I can remember...
"Tell your side of the story as it were. Help get the details right from the start."
"There is no sto..." he starts to say but in his mind there comes the memory of that feeling...'got to have it. Got to have her.' He stands and barely makes it to the rubbish bin before beginning to vomit violently. A few minutes later he sits back down sweating slightly as he takes a drink.
"Are you okay?"
"Sure Lecar. Being accused of rape is just another day at the office for me. What do ya think?"
"I need to make a call." He steps from the room leaving Hamilton and DiNozzo staring uncomfortably at each other.
The door has hardly slammed shut behind Gibbs causing him to make a mental note about getting the hinges reinforced when Vance's intercom starts to buzz. He jabs at the button letting out a frustrated sigh as he does so. "Yes?"
"Agent Lecar wants a word director."
"Put him through." The line lights up and the director takes the call. "What is it agent Lecar?"
"Special agent DiNozzo has been vomiting sir and he still won't talk."
Of course not, Gibbs told him not to Vance thinks. He knows Tony's loyalty to Gibbs will always supersede anything else. "It's probably just a hangover. I don't want a smart lawyer claiming he was denied medical attention. Get him checked out by Dr Mallard and then drive him home. Arrange a time for him to come back tomorrow for an interview."
"On it director." Lecar hangs up and steps back into the conference room. "DiNozzo we're taking a walk."
Vance's intercom buzzes again causing him to give an almost Gibbs like bark "What?"
"Your wife is calling director. Shall I tell her you'll return?"
"No, I'll take it." The light flashes and he picks up the phone. "Jackie?"
"What's wrong Leon?"
"What makes you think there's something wrong?"
"I know that tone. Can I help? Is it serious?"
"Just a small problem with DiNozzo. It's nothing."
Jackie chuckles. "What's the Sex Machine done now?"
"Huh?"
"It was Tony's fraternity pledge name. Jimmy Palmer told me at the Christmas party. You should keep him away from the Caf-Nog."
"Or ban it altogether."
"I think you'd have a riot on your hands if you did. Abby might poison your toothpicks."
Vance chuckles remembering exactly why it is he loves this woman. No matter how he's feeling she can make him laugh."I'll have to keep it then. DiNozzo's a good agent he just doesn't exercise the best judgment at times. Why were you calling?"
"The kids want to see a movie tonight but it sounds like we'll have to wait to the weekend."
"Yeah. Don't know how late I'll be. Love you."
"Love you too sweetie."
Vance smiles as he hangs up the phone.
Meanwhile back downstairs...
Gibbs strides into the bullpen where Barton and McGee are deep in conversation at the latter's desk.
"Boss?" It is apparent from his inquisitive tone that Tim knows something is going on .
"You've heard." It's more of a statement than a question. "How?" If the story was general knowledge already Tony's chances of a recovering from this are rapidly deteriorating.
Not wanting to give Emma away in front of Barton Tim prevaricates. "Ah. Abby. Friend."
"So no-one else knows?"
"Just Ziva."
Gibbs glances at her desk. "And she's...?"
"Looking into it."
"Good." He sits at his desk and flips rapidly through his Rolodex. Finding the right page he rips it out and after taking his gun and creds from the drawer starts to leave.
"Going for coffee." From the stare he gives him McGee knows that is not all he's going to do.
"What can I do?"
"Keep working the case."
"Which case Boss?" The shock of the allegation against Tony combined with what Barton has just told him about the contents of the notebook seems to have temporarily paralyzed Tim's brain.
"Both. You know I don't believe..."
"In coincidences." McGee finishes for him. Gibbs nods and strides away. "Okay Barton let's get back to it." Tim starts to type on his keyboard. The sooner the case is solved the sooner they can get to work on clearing Tony's name.
She had showered for what seemed like hours. Scrubbing until her skin became red and raw. Feeling that she will never get clean. Now she sits on her couch wrapped in a quilt her grandmother gave her staring into the flames of the fire in her fireplace. How had things come to this? When did it all go so wrong? She sighs. She didn't have a choice did she? Her captain had pushed and in the end she simply had to say his name. She hadn't really wanted to but it was the only option she had. DiNozzo really wasn't a bad guy and...her musings are interrupted by the insistent ringing of her doorbell. Pulling her dressing gown tightly around her she walks over, checks the peep-hole and opens her front door.
"Probationary agent David. I'm sorry but I'm not well. You really shouldn't be here."
Ziva walks straight past her and sits on the couch. "But I am here and I think you know why." She is glaring up at Sparr.
"No, I don't."
"The accusation you have made about special agent DiNozzo." Ziva stares intently at her.
"That he raped me?"
"Yes, that. I do not know what it is that happened to you but I do know that you must be mistaken. Tony could not...would not. Maybe you were drugged? You have to talk to us. Let us help."
"Perhaps you do not know Tony as well as you think you do. I was not drugged. I was tested at the hospital. It was Tony who...raped me."
"No. I refuse to believe...tell me what happened."
"If it will get you to leave then I will."
"Okay."
"We've been flirting since the case began."
"I had noticed."
"Then last night we were joking at the drinks do. We even kissed after winning at darts but we also talked. I thought...I thought we might get together. Maybe one day have something permanent" She wipes at her eyes.
"And?"
"Tony was laughing with the boys. Everyone was shouting drinks."
"Shouting drinks?"
"Buying them for each other. He had a bit too much and I offered to drive him home."
"Too much to drink? That doesn't sound like Tony."
"I think McCadden's death hit him hard."
"Mm."
"I drove him home in his car and had to half carry him up to his apartment. He was stumbling around and sort of drooled on himself. When I went to help him take his shirt off he seemed to sober up in a hurry. Perhaps he wasn't quite as drunk as I'd thought. He pushed me down on the bed then..."
"Why did you not fight him? Why did you not push him away?"
"I tried...I think. It all went so fast. He's so strong. Thought he might hurt me. It was easier to just give in."
Looking into Andrea's eyes Ziva finds herself taken away from the room by a rush of memory. Gritty sand in her eyes. Hot breath in her ear. Hands all over her. A male voice murmuring words she won't allow herself to understand. Searing pain. Desert winds. Wishing for rescue. Wishing to die. She reaches out and gently pats Andrea's arm. "I think I understand." She'd come here convinced of Tony's innocence but now she has doubts. What woman would lie about that? Why would she?
"I am so sorry to have disturbed you. Call if there is anything I can do." After walking Ziva to the door Sparr returns to couch. Staring at the flames and questioning everything.
Seated on a bench he takes a deep breath and looks around the park. Children tossing a ball to a dog. The queue at the coffee cart. It's an old trick from his sniper days. Focus completely on the moment, the place where you are. Remove from your mind all thoughts, all possible distractions. Never in his wildest dreams had he pictured himself calling in this particular favor from this person. There is the unpleasant memory of their first involvement between them but the offer had been made and Tony could certainly use the help.
Ah, Tony. There is no doubt in his mind that his senior field agent is innocent of the accusation that has been leveled at him. Yet, although he would never admit it Vance had made some valid points. DiNozzo's reputation would certainly make it easier for some people to believe him capable of this. Also if the allegation becomes scuttlebutt the rumor mill could destroy Tony's career. "I will not let that happen" Gibbs murmurs and begins to dial.
Stupid idea, to go running. He still felt sick, could taste it in his mouth. And he still felt ill, dammit. He pushed on defiantly, increasing his speed, cutting across the grass. He had the park to himself at five thirty in the morning, which was just as well, as his running was erratic and arrhythmic, not his usual smooth style at all. What was going on in his head was worse; he wished like hell he could switch it off.
I didn't do it, I didn't do it. I wouldn't – I couldn't.I kissed her, right? They said I did... I like her, don't I? I liked her last time we worked together... helped her didn't I? Thought she was pleased... She suggested dinner this time... she likes me... why'd she say it was me? I couldn't hurt someone I like like that... I couldn't hurt anyone like that! Somebody hurt her... like to kill them myself... wait til I get my hands on him...want to talk to her, tell her I'll help... she thinks I did it...
He stumbles among the grass tussocks, almost falls, and stops, looking round wildly, struggling for breath.
Did I say I felt ill? Shit... I do. Walk, don't run... home, head for home... Shouldn't be out here, wouldn't be if I could have slept. My legs feel like lead... so does my chest... stomach... What if they believe her? What if they all look at me and think 'He did it. DiNozzo's a rapist... you know what he's like, a ladies man, always knew he'd go too far one day...it was only a matter of time'...
He stops and doubles over, hands on his knees, retching the remains of last night's pizza.
I kissed her... don't even remember it was her... was it her hand? On my chest? Saying wait? Did I wait? God... did I not wait? I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't. Hamilton thinks I did... why're they letting a colleague of Andrea's investigate? Easy, easy... my team's investigating too, isn't it?
Gibbs. The Boss-man. Standing up to Vance. Getting a lawyer. Things must be bad if the great Leroy Jethro Gibbs is suggesting a lawyer. He's normally the one who wants to make them squeal like sniveling little girls. He won't let this drag on. Wonder who he'll call? M. Allison Hart? I think Faith Coleman went into private practice or maybe that lawyer Diane used on him and Fornell? Cleaned them right out.
He grins at the thought.
Abby... last time I got accused of something... or was it the time before that – Abby saved me. Thought she'd condemn me, she believes in forensics and it was all against me but she saved me...maybe she can this time? Told me after she believes in people more. Called to warn me...said Em had called her...ah the beautiful nurse Emma...she's with Brad now...lucky guy...
McGee. My probie. Mr McGoo. Not that he wears the glasses though he used to be a little pudgy like...McGeek'll have my six. Already sent a text saying they are working on it. Ziva – why haven't I heard from Ziva? The others have all...could she think – she must – she thinks I did it. What a partner! After all I've done for her. Ah shit... what do I do now?
After climbing the stairs to his apartment, he leans his shoulder against the wall – if he didn't, he'd fall over next time he lifted a foot; how did he get here? He can't even remember leaving the park. He takes the chain with his apartment key from around his neck and fumbles inserting it in the lock before opening the door and stepping inside with exaggerated care.
So what else can't I remember? I didn't do it. I am not that kinda guy. No way... what if nobody believes me? What about the evidence? Is anyone going to tell me about it? What have they got? It's just her word against mine. Substantiated. Unsubstantiated Unfounded. What if it was me? No... I couldn't have done that...not me, never. Why did she... how could she...was she drugged...oh hell, is she in danger? Being threatened? Blackmailed? Who did rape her? Are they going to hurt her again?
He laughs desperately as he closes his front door with his butt and leans back against it.
Way to go, DiNozzo... her getting hurt would prove it wasn't you... d'you really want it to happen like that? Course not. Ow... damn safety chain – hurts, digging into my back – why am I sliding down the door anyway? Get up, you wimp, stand up for yourself... get out of here and do something to sort this out...can't, legs are gone... just rest here for awhile... why'm I crying for Christ-sakes?
McC is dead... Pacci, Jenny, Paula, her team...Hall and Nelson, Katie... oh, Katie...my Catholic schoolgirl...my colleague...my friend. Did I ever tell her that? Did she know how I felt? In the line of duty – what a load of bs. Pictures on a wall. Bodies in the ground. Duty damn near killed Gibbs too, and almost Abby once. Please not Andrea... no more death...there's been too many funerals...who will be at mine?
He seems to be counting them on his fingers, although they are a bit blurred. Hard to see through the tears. Tears? His father's voice echoes in his head from so, so long ago. "DiNozzo men don't cry son." What a thing to say to a child just before his mother's funeral. "She'd want you to be strong." That's when he'd learnt. Real men don't show feelings. Hide pain behind a smile.
Who else can we lose? Ducky is not getting any younger. Vance? Hmm. Wouldn't mind that. Or maybe Franks? Mike's always lived on the edge. Smoking and drinking and never thinking about tomorrow. Gibbs? His luck has to run out sometime, right? He wipes at his eyes as he mutters "Not crying Dad. I'm not."
Always the survivor, me... huh, way I feel I could be dying right now, but no, I just grow older while they all leave. Leave. Even Gibbs took his Mexican vacation...sabbatical...hiatus. I should have left. Got my own team. Should have gone to Rota – at least I'd be getting older in the sun. Sun on my back, nobody accusing me of rape; I wouldn't do that, I wouldn't. Wouldn't feel so sick... sick, oh shit no... can't stand up, have to shuffle across to the bathroom on my butt... gotta get there in time...
He hangs over the toilet, heaving nothing now, tears running freely down his face.
Something's really wrong... I'm not this much of a loser. Got a backbone, haven't I? Somewhere... Never took this long to get over a hangover when I went on spring break. Never went to my legs before. Maybe I'm not ill – maybe I've been...who would...and why...the thoughts struggle to connect in his head as he stumbles back out into the main living area of the apartment and crashes face down on the couch where he falls into an uneasy sleep. Flashbacks of the previous few days play as a disjointed movie in his mind. Random scenes and voices, some repeated and all somewhat fuzzy.
"No, no wait.". McSherlock. A crime scene case slammed to the ground. Watching that cute butt walking away and thinking 'She's still got it'. Abby pulling a blanket over him and tucking Bert in next to him."McC? Detective McCadden? What is going on Ducky?" Clinking glasses. "...was raped last night...claiming her assailant was agent DiNozzo." The babe from Missing Persons. Ziva's "Perhaps you should give her a chance." Substantiated. Unsubstantiated Unfounded. "Roll up your sleeve Anthony. It's just a precaution." A shoe print. Hamilton's "We all saw you DiNozzo." Laughing with the guys from Baltimore. The warmth of the shower easing his aching muscles. Cupcakes. Andrea's comment about Jones being shot in the back."What the hell is your boss playing at DiNutso?" A grimy and glaring Ziva. "...have dinner and catch up."
The buzzing of the alarm on his phone causes him to sit up and stretch. "Ah." He heads for the shower thinking that it would not do to be late to his meeting with IA. A quick scrub as there's no time for daydreaming today and he steps out. After wrapping a towel around his waist he opens the doors to his closet. As he stares absently at his suits he hears that damning voice again. "No, no wait."This time the voice is joined by a slightly clearer vision than any before. It's the face of Andrea Sparr her head resting on a very familiar, distinctive pillowcase as she gazes into his eyes and reaches out a hand, places it on his bare chest and tries to push him away.
He turns slowly from the closet and with a few steps is sitting on the bed with the pillow clutched to his chest. Oh, God. This is can't be happening. What have I done? What am I going to tell Internal Affairs now?