Chapter 13: It's All Because Of You
"Oh. My. G-, Santana." Jocelyn's voice caused the brunette to look up from her textbook.
"Do you see this?" She pointed towards the front of the living room.
Santana shifted her eyes and tried to focus on the TV. She watched briefly for a few seconds trying to understand what the big deal was, she had seen this Rihanna video a hundred times. This made a hundred and one. She shrugged her shoulders.
"Do you like interrupting me to show me something half of China has already seen?" her brows were arched and her head was tilted to the side. She was nibbling on the tip of her favorite black pen.
Jocelyn rolled her eyes and pointed again towards the front of the room. She was laying on her belly across the lounge chair at the opposite side of the room. Her bent knees swaying her feet in the air. "I meant the horror show that's happening in front yo face." She was smirking, Santana could tell by the tone of her voice. Still, she rolled her eyes in response before turning her attention once again.
She let out a puff of air as a chuckle erupted from deep within her chest. It was short lived because within seconds her head had fallen back, exposing her neck as she laughed harder.
Jocelyn joined in, laughing herself, but tried to fake a serious face, "Look what you taught her."
Santana widened her eyes, trying to see past the laugh tears that had welled up blurring her vision. Jillian was nearing time for bed and had taken off her pants and shirt, leaving her in cinderella underwear and a white undershirt. As the music vibrated its way from the speakers throughout the room, the little latina danced. But it was how she danced that was causing Santana to not be able to breathe. Her little, pudgy, tan arms were above her head and she was twirling in a circle, her little hips swaying. She'd pause every once in awhile to shake her butt before continuing on her tip toes. Santana admitted that even for an almost 2 year old, she was at least following her two guidelines of dance. 1: Keep with the rhythm so you don't look like an idiot. And 2: Own it.
She was definitely owning it. Santana felt slightly proud.
"That's all you" Santana finally breathed out, sticking her pen back in her mouth as Jillian continued to dance around the living room.
"Please, we both know I don't dance like that." She pointed again at Jillian.
Santana rolled her eyes and decided to deny those allegations with a smirk and shrug, "Neither do I."
This earned a hearty laugh from Jocelyn as she let her face collapse and hang in front of her. Santana felt herself laugh as she watched her cousin in a fit of giggles.
"P-Please, Santana" Jocelyn finally breathed out in between light laughs, "This is you." In a few seconds she had thrown her legs over the edge and was up on her feet.
Santana watched, trying really hard not to laugh as her cousin attempted to imitate her dance moves. The burn inside her chest was making her eyes water as she swallowed the laugh trying to move its way up her throat. She finally let it loose, laughing loudly as Jocelyn squatted to the floor and slowly came up, hands above her head and her hips rotating in a circular motion.
"Nah, Nah." Santana waved at the girl before moving her books and climbing off the couch. "You forgot to look hot." Santana winked before dancing over to Jillian who had stopped to watch the two older girls dancing around the living room. "It's like this."
Santana swung her hips to one side, bumping her butt out a little to the beat as her hands rose above her head. Jillian laughed hysterically as she jumped on the balls of her feet, hands in the air. Santana laughed and spun around, lowering herself to the ground and coming face to face with Jillian's light brown eyes. The little girl was still laughing as Santana pecked her on her nose before sliding her hips to the side as she moved up. She saw Jocelyn laughing off to the side as she threw her hands in the air and slightly over her head, grabbing a handful of hair as she circled her hips. Jillian trying to match her moves.
"Like this." Jillian said, copying the older latina as she attempted to shake her hips but only managed to shuffle across the floor.
Santana dropped her arms and threw her head back in laughter. This little girl never ceased to amaze her, and although her arrival wasn't planned or rejoiced over- she couldn't imagine life without her. She felt like Jillian was a mini version of herself, and she adored watching her pick up little habits of her own. Even slightly displeasing ones like this. Or that time she hit her foot and screamed, "What the crap?" Santana wouldn't admit it, but she was proud of those moments.
She bent down and picked up the giggling girl, twirling her a few times before peppering her neck with loud kisses. Jillian scrunched up her face and kicked her feet wildly, "Staaaahp"
With one last twirl Santana let herself fall back on the couch, slightly out of breath as Jillian settled on top of her, gripping her arms tightly.
"Right, you're right." Jocelyn rolled her eyes as she fell back next to them, "She definitely doesn't get that from you." The sarcasm was layered heavily as she spoke. Santana just rolled her eyes and hugged the out of breath toddler a little closer.
"The half-naked part, I refuse to take credit for." Santana smirked before letting her eyes drift shut to the sound of Jocelyn's laughter.
A few moments of silence passed, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. More like neither really knew what to say, type of silence.
Santana knew she had been a little more snarky, and a little overly quiet lately. For the last week and a half she felt like a shadow of herself. Like someone had taken her body and she was just kind of, gliding through life. She was biting people's heads off, not that it was uncommon, but it was happening to people that Santana usually was kinder too. Like Jocelyn. Or even Jillian. The last thought made her cringe a little. She half blamed this all on Brittany. If she had never met the girl she was about 80 percent sure she wouldn't be feeling this way.
Meeting Brittany had changed her life, but it also made everything else so complicated. She had feelings of attraction before, but never anything like what she was experiencing with the blue eyed blonde. She felt it deep within the pit of her stomach, and the apex of her spine. She worried about her, and cared about the way she was feeling. It was so- Anti Santana. The fact that she was feeling all of this for another girl just threw her whole life out of order. Did this make her gay? What would her Dad say?
Her dad was in the Navy and had been for as long as Santana could remember. In a way she attributed some of her issues to him being gone all the time. Not in the sense that she needed him around all the time, but at his broken promises and lack of parenting. She shook her head absently and wondered how long this silence would last. She was hoping forever. She hated when her mind drifted to the last time she saw Brittany, and the harshness of her voice. She had been replaying it in her mind multiple times a day, and with each time she chipped a piece of herself away.
"You don't show this side of yourself to other people, do you?" Jocelyn's voice was soft, and it caused Santana's eyes to flutter open. Jillian was still resting on her chest, her head rising and falling with the latina's steady breath.
She wanted to curse her out, to tell her she hated her for breaking the sacred silence that they had created. But at the same time she felt all the emotions she had been feeling for the last month bubbling underneath her skin, and soon tears prickled at the corner of her eyes.
"You're different..." Jocelyn's breath puffed out. "You've been extra moody."
"Joce-"
"And I know, I know...that's just how you are." Jocelyn mocked. "But lately it's been worse. There's something going on." She turned and faced Santana, but the older girl kept her focus elsewhere. Anywhere except her cousin.
"I just worry about you."
"Don't"
"You can't just say that, and expect me to not care, Santana. I can't flip a switch."
"I'm fine."
"But you're not. You keep distancing yourself from everyone. And the more you do that, the angrier you get."
Santana felt a single tear threaten to spill over her eyelids and she willed them to stay put. She had pushed herself away from Brittany. She knew that. She had brought Snix out in hopes of Brittany retreating, and proving her point. That everyone left her. That she could trust no one. And that she was incapable of having anything good in her life. She was such a bitch. And though she always said it casually, this time she actually meant it. She again felt like a shadow. She pushed away the one person who made her feel things, she only read about in fairy tales.
But that wasn't even what was hurting Santana the most. That wasn't what made her feel like a walking dark, hollow version of herself. No. It should, but it wasn't.
Instead it was the fact that Brittany hadn't been pushed away. That she stayed. This is what kept Santana up at night, and what caused her to lash out at everyone around her. Brittany, didn't leave. Despite all that happened that night. She came back.
Well she didn't really come back, at least not technically. But she had texted Santana several times in the past week and a half. Never once mentioning that night, or even acting like anything had happened. That only made Santana feel worse.
"I'm not angry." Santana said, although she knew Jocelyn wouldn't believe her. Truth was, she didn't even believe herself.
"Hmph," Jocelyn breathed out roughly but didn't open her mouth to speak.
"I'm not. I'm just confused." Santana loosened her grip on the girl a little as she shifted positions. It was getting late. She wouldn't be surprised if the girl fell asleep soon.
"Well you sure are acting angry. I've never seen you like this, San." Jocelyn picked up a pen and tapped it on her knee absently.
"I get it, Jocelyn. I'm a bitch. Can you just drop it." Santana was suddenly getting annoyed.
"No, I won't. I'm not going to watch you go down this path. Where you distance yourself from everyone. Some people deserve it. But other's don't. You have to open yourself up. Not everyone will hurt you."
"You don't know that."
"You're right. I don't. But I'd rather see you happy and enjoying life. Getting hurt in the end. Than whatever this is." She pointed with the tip of her pen towards Santana. "This shell of the cousin I used to know."
Silence surrounded them again, and Santana was positive that Jillian had fallen asleep. She was halfway grateful. She didn't want her hearing all that they were talking about. Santana's breath had finally evened out more, and she had just shut her eyes again when Jocelyn spoke.
"How's Brittany?"
Santana's eyes shot open and her heart rate increased. She watched as Jillians head moved faster as it lay upon her chest.
"Uh, She- We haven't really talked." It wasn't a complete lie. Yea, Brittany had texted her a few times, but she hadn't responded. She felt herself feel guilty again.
"Pushing her away too?" Jocelyn whispered.
Santana didn't speak. Not because she didn't know what to say, but because Jocelyn was right- and there was no answer to her question.
"Soon, you're going to push all the good ones away. And all that will be left will be people unworthy of your time."
Jocelyn pulled herself forward and glanced back down at the older latina. Her eyes were slightly puffy and her cheeks were a little flushed. Her hands even looked a bit jittery.
"Jocelyn"
Santana looked towards her cousin, slanting her eyes slightly as she felt Jillian shuffle and lift her head. So much for being asleep.
"Stop being so stoic. It's scaring me."
"Ha. Ha." Jocelyn laughed mockingly before climbing off the couch and picking up Jillian off Santana. The latina immediately felt a rush of cold air as the little girl's body was lifted off, she shuddered slightly. She watched as they both disappeared out of the room, probably off to get ready for bed.
Santana puffed air in her cheeks before slowly blowing out a long exhale. She pulled herself off the couch and made her way through the house and past the front door. She stooped down and sat on the cold bricks of the front steps, twirling her phone in her hand.
Her heart was hammering inside her rib cage, sounding like a distant hip hop song vibrating in her ears. Jocelyn's voice was swirling in her head and images of Brittany looking hurt stared back at her. The hollow feeling within herself returned. She briefly wondered how long she had felt empty. She tried to think back to her previous relationships, to times with her friends, Jocelyn, her Dad. She couldn't think of one time that she felt completely whole. Maybe close. But she always felt like she was missing out on something. In all honesty, whatever she was missing out on- was probably her own fault.
She slid her finger across her screen and pulled up her text messages smiling as she read through the few Brittany had sent in the last week. One in particular made her let out a breathy laugh as she opened to a picture of Lord Tubbington on his back, his stomach awkwardly leaning to the side, fur slightly lumpy. Underneath she read what Brittany had written.
His plastic surgeon is not getting a visit from Santa. This is definitely a liposuction gone wrong.
She thumbed through the other texts before hovering her finger over Brittany's icon. Her palms were growing sweaty and she felt like everything within her was telling her to just let the girl go. She had made it this far pushing people away, why change it up now?
A vision of their kiss flashed in her head and without thinking she pressed her thumb down firmly, closing her eyes in the process. She slowly put the phone to her ear. This was worse than not answering, she was opening herself up for rejection. What if Brittany had enough? What if Brittany was annoyed? What i-
"Hello?" Brittany's voice rang out and brought Santana back to reality. She shivered as a gust of wind blew past her.
"Oh- Uh, Hi" Santana rolled her eyes at herself. She was stuttering. There was silence on the other end of the phone, and Santana felt her heart rate quicken at a lack of words.
"You there?" the blonde questioned sweetly.
"Yeah, sorry," the brunette squinted at how lame she sounded but continued anyway. " I was wondering, I mean if you weren't busy, which you probably are. I mean you aren't just sitting around waiting. Not that you were waiting, or sitting really. You could be standing, or-"
Brittany's giggle caused Santana to take a deep breath. She sighed heavily.
"What I was trying to say was, Can I see you?" Santana wasn't sure she meant it to come out as personal as it did, but she didn't regret it. It oddly felt a little nice.
"Unfor-tunately" Brittany started and Santana felt her chest sink. She even felt the tingle behind her nose and she swore, that if she let one tear out- she would slap herself. "I am busy-"
"That's fine, don't worry about it. I was just-" Santana interrupted her, not wanting to hear what she was doing that was more important.
"Santana" Hearing Brittany say her name caused a tingling sensation to prickle it's way down the latina's spine. Her mouth went dry. She missed hearing her say her name. She missed her voice. She missed- Santana decided to stop there.
"I am busy. I'm snuggled with Lord T watching a movie. I promised him a lounge day since he quit smoking. Plus I felt a little tired."
Santana let out a quiet breath, rolling her eyes- but not in annoyance more so because she was taken back by Brittany's innocence.
"It's okay, we can just hang-"
"I want to see you." Brittany let out quickly, surprising herself. "Come join us?"
If Santana's heart was a low key hip hop song before, it was a Jay Z concert now. She could barely hear and her stomach fluttered with 300 newly released butterflies. Her vision even went a little blurry. She tried to speak, to answer so she wouldn't look like an idiot- but her body was paralyzed. She didn't know if it was because she wanted to be close to the girl so badly- or if this was her body's way of telling her to abort the whole thing. And just cut her losses.
"Santana?" There she goes again.
"Uh- yeah, sorry." She inhaled deeply before closing her eyes and gripping her arm tightly. After a few more seconds of silence Santana answered shakily, "Yeah, I'd like that."
"Cool, See you soon?"
"Yep." Santana was trying to play it cool, but she was positive every cell in her body was screaming.
"Awesome. Bye!"
Santana clicked the phone off as she felt the feeling return to her hand, she must have been gripping the phone harder than she thought.
"You do realize you're sitting on the porch Papi threw up on when he came home from the hospital...right" Santana looked down at the steps she was sitting on, a slight grimace pulling at her lips.
"Yeah. Right there." Jocelyn's face contorted in fake disgust as she pointed down.
"You're such a dick." Santana laughed as she hopped off the steps smiling before brushing past her quickly, "Don't worry, it makes you loveable."
"Where are you off to?" Jocelyn questioned, noticing Santana packing up her things as she hummed. "And why are you humming?"
"Can a girl not hum?"
"They can." Jocelyn nodded, leaning against the door frame. "It's just rare for an angry, cold ho."
Santana rolled her eyes before flipping her bag over her shoulder, and leaning in to kiss her cousin on the cheek. "Eh, It's rare for a dick to be so soft too. But look at you" She smacked her on the butt.
"I'm not soft, just worried about you that's all" Jocelyn glanced to Santana's retreating figure.
"I'm fine." Santana sang out and waved behind her. It was scary, but Santana was almost positive that she was beginning to mean it.
(A/N) This was originally intended to be a long chapter. But I broke it into two parts in order to make sure I updated on time. A couple bombs got dropped on my life yesterday, and I didn't want it to prevent this getting updated. So heres part one. Part two, probably Friday. Thanks for reading and reviewing, it means so much to me.
Not much Brittana interaction in this chapter- but the next chapter is 100%.
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