Jude sat in the studio and cried for nearly an hour. She considered calling Sadie, but in the end she was too embarrassed to admit to her sister what she'd done. Later, if Benjamin really did go to the tabloids, Sadie might be mad that Jude hadn't told her, but she just couldn't face the conversation right now.
Eventually, Jude pulled herself up off the ground and back to the computer. She listened to the single again and again, making minor changes. When she felt she was as satisfied with the song as she could be, she saved it, exported the file, and e-mailed it to Nora with the message, "Nora, I think Benjamin's single is ready for mastering. Let me know what you think. –Jude"
The clock now read 17:45, and Jude's chest tightened at the thought that in less than an hour, they'd be heading home, where she'd have to tell Tommy what had happened. She'd made the decision to tell him already, but now she had to, before he could find out from Benjamin, directly or indirectly. She no longer had a choice.
But first thing's first. She thought. After resetting the board and turning off the computer, she went to Nora's office and knocked on her door. Her boss looked up and smiled at her through the window, waving her in.
"Good afternoon, Jude," Nora said pleasantly. "Oh, nearly evening now, I suppose," she added as she looked at the clock on her wall. "What do you need?"
"Did you get my e-mail?" Jude asked, sitting in the chair in front of the desk.
"No, I don't think so," Nora said, turning to her computer.
"That's fine. I just sent it a few minutes ago. It's Benjamin's single."
"Oh? Is it finished already? That's nearly three days early. Ah, there it is." She clicked, opening the e-mail.
Jude nodded. "Ready for mastering, unless you say otherwise."
"In that case, I'll listen to it now, if you don't mind."
"Sure," Jude said, but Nora had already opened the attachment. As she played the song, listening closely, Jude felt the familiar nervous energy that came from someone about to pass judgement on her work. Despite her nerves, though, she didn't hear any obvious problems, and there wasn't really anything she would've changed.
"What's the title?" Nora asked after the last note had died down.
"'Beat In Time'," Jude said, biting her lip. "Do you like it?"
"It's…" Nora seemed to be considering. "A bold choice, choosing a song about sibling love instead of romantic love. I assumed it's about a brother, yes? I suppose it could be to a father or a friend or someone else."
"You were right the first time. He had an older brother that died when he was young. Left Benjamin all of his musical instruments."
Nora nodded, tapping her finger on the desk a few times, thinking. "It's good," she said finally. "It's catchy, it's emotional, his voice sounds great." She nodded again. "Well done."
"You think it's ready?" Along with the complex cloud of other emotions, Jude felt a surge of genuine happiness and excitement that her boss approved of the first single she'd produced for another artist.
"I think it'll be a hit." Nora smiled. "It's only the beginning, of course," she added, instantly filling Jude with dread. "I think I may have secured the opener for the second half of Darren Hammond's tour later this summer, although his label is proving tricky. But if you keep producing tracks like this, you two will go far." Her smile was wide, but faded as she noticed Jude's face. "What is it?" she demanded.
"I…" Jude stammered. "I- I don't know. I just… I don't think I can keep working with him. I think this single should be the… the last."
Nora frowned. "I beg your pardon, Jude?" When Jude found herself unable to speak, Nora continued, "I paired you and Benjamin up for a reason. He needs more than just a talented producer to take him to the next level. He needs a mentor to coach him through the industry, and I thought you were perfect to do that. This just proves I was right!" She gestured to the computer. "This single is exactly what I wanted for him, but there's still a long way to go. So what exactly is the problem?"
"I…" Her boss looked very angry, and it scared her. How could she explain this? Without thinking it through, she found herself saying "I want to go back to working on my own stuff."
"Really?" Nora's eyebrows shot up, but she looked pleased, though surprised. "You're ready?"
This wasn't what she had intended to say, and she knew deep down that she was nowhere near ready, but what else could she say now? It was too late to backtrack. She'd dug herself into this hole, there wasn't anything she could do besides keep digging. "I, uh… I think so. I've been writing again, since I started working with Benjamin," she lied.
"Well, then. I said I'd do everything I could to accommodate, as soon as you wanted to work as an artist again, though I confess that from what you said, I didn't think it would be this soon. But in that case, I'd be happy to find another producer for Benjamin. For Fitting Ideal, too, I suppose. I assume you and Tom will want to work together again?" Jude nodded mutely, because she couldn't think of what else to do. "Actually," Nora continued. "If you're making music again, a duet between you and Benjamin would be a terrific idea."
Jude felt sick. How had this backfired so badly? "Oh, I don't know if he'd want to–"
"Nonsense. He adores you, and so does the public. Your music is similar enough that I'm sure you'd have a lot in common as far as audience. He'd be the perfect opening act for a tour of yours." Nora must have noticed that Jude had gone white, because she hastened to clarify. "Not that I'm sending you on another tour any time soon. We'll ease back into it. Start with the duet, then maybe start working on an album. No rush." She smiled, and Jude felt like the ground had dropped from beneath her. Why hadn't she said she just wasn't ready to be back at work at all and hoped Nora would let her take more time off?
Or, better yet, why hadn't she just told the goddamn truth? If Benjamin went to the tabloids, Nora would know anyway, and it would be an issue that PR would need to deal with. If Jude got ahead of it, spun the story to Nora, she could get the majority of Bermondsey's PR efforts on her side. Nora might even be so angry that Benjamin would go to the press that she'd drop him from the label, and she'd almost certainly support them not working together anymore. Instead, Jude had panicked, and said completely and totally the wrong thing. "Actually, Nora, there's something else, with Benjamin," she said, trying to salvage the mess she'd made.
"Can it wait?" Nora asked, looking at the clock. "I have some things I need to finish, and I want to get home at a reasonable time tonight."
"Uh… I guess," Jude said, her heart sinking.
"I'll send that single to a few other members of my board for review, and then it's on to mastering. I guess since you're ahead of schedule, I probably don't need you to come back in for the rest of the week. Some time next week we'll discuss your own music and a duet after we've solidified some of the plans for releasing the single. If there's more you need to discuss, though, you can come in tomorrow. I'm here for most of the day, I think. I have meetings in the morning, but I can see you in the afternoon."
"Yeah, okay. Tomorrow's good."
"I'm very glad you're getting back to your music, Jude." Nora smiled and turned back to her computer, which Jude figured was her cue to leave.
.
She went from Nora's office back to her studio, grabbing her bag. She knew Tommy should be done soon, and she went to the other studio, where he was recording with Chris. He was concentrating and didn't hear her walk in. When Chris finished, Jude gave him a thumbs up through the glass, and he returned the gesture. "Not exactly, Chris," Tommy said. "I mean, it was fine, but I'm going to need more energy than that." Chris said something and pointed to Jude. Tommy turned briefly around and held up his finger in a "wait" gesture to Jude. "Okay, Chris, again. And I'm serious, more energy. One more take. You've got this." Chris nodded and said something. Tommy took off one ear of his headphones, changing the setting so that the song played through the speakers and Jude could hear. He then started the playback, and Chris began to sing.
"Sorry," Jude said quietly, coming up to sit next to Tommy at the board. "Didn't mean to interrupt."
Tommy just shrugged and put the headphones all the way back on. When the song, which was actually starting to sound really good, was over, he pushed the button for the microphone and said. "That is exactly what I was looking for, man. Thank you."
"Is that the last of the vocals?" Chris asked.
Tommy nodded. "I actually think we're done recording, unless I find something else I need." He took his hand off the button and smiled at Jude, removing his headphones. "See? Not too far behind you."
"I sent the final mix to Nora today," she murmured, not returning his smile.
Tommy raised his eyebrows at her, then said in the mic, "Okay, Chris, that's it for today."
"So I can head out, then?" Chris asked.
"Yeah." Tommy turned back to Jude as Chris went to the corner of the room to grab his gig bag. "You happy with it?"
"This song?" Jude asked, confused.
"Uh, no, the song you just sent to Nora."
"Oh. Yeah. She listened to it, actually. Gave it her seal of approval too."
His face broke into a wide smile. "Hey, congratulations, girl! You've finished production on your first single for another artist!" He frowned when she continued to look stricken. "Why aren't you happy about this?"
"I am," she insisted.
Tommy looked skeptical. "You look like you're going to be sick."
That is a definite possibility. Jude thought. "Uh… I may have told Nora that I was ready to go back to my own music."
Tommy's eyes widened, but Chris came out of the booth, and Jude gave a small shake of her head that told Tommy not to say anything in front of him. "Hey." Chris smiled at her, putting a hand on the back of her chair. "It's great to see you. What did you think?"
"Of the song? It's starting to sound really good. Different than what I expected from you, but good."
"What, would you have pegged me for the soulful acoustic type?" He grinned.
Jude actually laughed at that. "Not exactly. Your riffs kill, and they always have. But the screaming I didn't expect."
"Well, I don't scream, that's mainly Derek. And, in his words, 'it's more of a guttural roar.'" Jude snorted and Chris grinned. "But yeah. I'd love to hear if you have any suggestions."
"We actually have to get going," Tommy said quickly. "But since Jude's ahead on her own schedule, I might bring her in later and see what she thinks."
"Can't wait." Chris bent down to give her a one-armed hug. "We miss making music with you, Jude. Max and Aaron and me," he said, straightening back up and slinging his gig bag over his shoulder. "But I'm glad you're here, at least, even if you're not singing."
"Yeah. I miss you guys too. It's just been hard. We'll do it again some day." Tommy raised his eyebrows and she shot him a look.
"I hope so." Chris smiled. "Well, see you later, Jude. Tom."
"Bye, Chris," Jude said as he walked out.
"You told Nora what?" Tommy said as soon as Chris was gone.
Jude sighed. "I don't know. I just kind of panicked."
"Are you ready? Because if you are, I'll support you 100% but I didn't think–"
"I don't know, okay?" Jude cried. "I don't know if I'm ready. I haven't written anything new, I just… I don't know."
"Then why the hell would you say you are?"
"Because I can't work with Benjamin anymore, and when Nora asked me why, I panicked."
"Okay, seriously, why can't you work with him?!" Tommy cried.
"He isn't who I thought he was." Jude's explanation was flimsy, if not exactly a lie.
"Yesterday you loved working with him, today you can't do it anymore? For fuck's sake, Jude, you need to tell me why!"
"Yesterday he wasn't trying to blackmail me, today he is!" she blurted out without thinking.
"He's what?" Tommy looked incredulous. "What the hell could he possibly be holding over you?" She saw the wheels turning in his head, saw him almost put it together. She considered lying, spinning it, the way she should have done with Nora. Tell him Benjamin had kissed her, that she'd rejected him, and now he was threatening to lie to the tabloids and say that they slept together… She considered painting herself as the victim, hoping he'd believe her.
But she couldn't do that. She had made a promise not to lie to him. "Not here, Tommy," she said finally. "Please, please not here. I will tell you everything, I just want to go home and eat something and take a shower, and try to clear my head, okay? Then I promise I will tell you everything."
"Jude!" he protested, but she looked at him pleadingly and eventually he sighed. "Fine. But are you… is everything okay?"
Not remotely. Jude thought, but she nodded. "I'm fine. We just.. we need to talk about something."
"Something he knows that I don't?" he couldn't help but ask.
"Not. Here." she said firmly.
"I swear to God, Harrison!" Tommy cried, but Jude looked like she was going to cry, and he backed off immediately, pulling her into his arms. "Sorry, sorry."
Jude couldn't take the guilt, knowing he was comforting her over what she'd done, so she pulled away. "Can we please just go home?" she asked quietly. He sighed heavily, but nodded.
A/N: That 'guttural roar' comment attributed to Derek is pretty much a direct quote from this sort of ex of mine who was THE MOST pretentious, and also happened to be really into metal… There's no reason you need to know that, the character of Derek isn't even based on him or anything, but I laugh every time I read that scene because of it. "It's really not screaming, it's more of a guttural roar" like HA wow shut up Jake. (I'm not trying to hate on metal artists or fans here, that kind of screaming does genuinely take skill, but it always reminds me of 15 year old me and my very questionable taste in guys.) (This concludes my oversharing, I apologize.)