Apparently, throat infections inspire me so I wrote this chapter this afternoon. Sorry for my lateness!
She knew she was awake, but she felt asleep. Her eyes were open, but she wasn't really seeing. The tv played loudly, but she wasn't listening.
Her feet were propped up on the table in front of her, a wine bottle sat next to them, whilst a glass sat firmly in her grasp. The wine moved back and forth as the hand gripping tightly onto the glass swayed back and forth rhythmically.
The kids were with Peter. The apartment was silent; chilling. The only reason the television had been switched on was so the silence wouldn't be so overwhelming. When it was too quiet, her mind took her back there; back to the moment she knew Nathan had died; the moment she thought she could die too. Kalinda running in, eyes searching for her. Jeffrey being taken away. People sobbing. Nathan's blood dropping over her. Kalinda taking her hand; helping her up. Nathan's body being taken.
When it was too quiet, she couldn't escape her thoughts.
She was going back to work the following morning and although she didn't feel 100% sure that she was doing the right thing, she needed the distraction. She needed to stop thinking about what could of happened; what should have happened; what did happen. Work was always her salvation; her distraction. And Will was there. He was there for her. She only really felt like herself when around him or her children.
She glanced at the clock, 9:20. Will would be calling her soon. She smiled to herself. If there was one thing she could count on right now, it was him. He either called or visited every day. They hadn't broached the subject of them, they hadn't discussed anything heavy; but he was there. And it was exactly what she needed.
She took another long sip of her wine, closing her eyes and savouring the taste. She shivered slightly and rolled her neck, listening to the knots click one by one. The phone ringing on her lap made her smile instantly.
"Gardner." She could practically hear his smile.
"Hey, Alicia." She heard him sigh in contentment followed by what sounded like shoes being kicked off. She smiled. "How are you? Ready for work tomorrow?"
She hesitated just slightly, "I'm ready for the distraction more than I'm ready for actual work." He chuckled slightly half heartedly.
"Do you want me to come over?"
She hesitated. Did she? Yes. Of course she did. Since he'd got back he had been amazing. He hadn't forced her to get out of her slump. He hadn't told her that her grieving was irrational. He'd just been there. An ear to listen. A shoulder to cry on. And yet ... Right now, she needed her last night to herself. Even if she was greatful for the distractions. Even if the added noise would keep her mind away from that courtroom. She needed to get used to being alone again.
Alone.
"No, I'm okay. But could I be terribly cliche and ask you to stay on the phone until I fall asleep?"
He laughed. "I like cliches. Go get comfy."
Her head was buzzing. She shook it slightly, trying to rid herself of the constant vibrations. It wasn't until she opened her eyes and the fuzziness of sleep had faded from her mind that she realised her phone was vibrating on the pillow next to her head. She chuckled at herself quietly before picking up the phone and turning off the alarm.
Work.
She was going back. She took a deep breath, collected her erratic thoughts and got out of bed. She got ready in her old routine; trying to regain her sense of normalcy. She ended up being ready far too early, but hanging around was not high on her to do list, she grabbed her purse and headed out.
Arriving at the office an hour early was probably a God send. No one could watch her take the all too familiar path to her office. No one could stand and talk about the shooting as they watched her pass. No one could watch her as she tried to settle back in to the familiar surroundings. No one could watch her deep intake of breath as she walked past Nathan's office. She shuddered. Even thinking his name still filled her with grief. She sat at her desk and let the silence swallow her.
It wasnt until the noise around her was noticeably louder that she realised she had been zoned out for a long length of time. But no one had disturbed her; and for that she was thankful. She needed the time to re acclimate. She needed a moment to get used to being in the building without the man who had become her best friend; the man who had taken on her whole family without blinking. She smiled and then frowned when she saw the high stack of paper work she would be facing that day.
/
The day was going by at an ungodly slow pace. He'd spent the last few hours throwing a baseball back and forth and trying to convince himself that going to see Alicia wasn't a good idea; that he should let her take her first day back at her own pace. But he was struggling. And he hated the thought that maybe she was struggling too. His head turned slightly so he could eye the clock. 12pm. He sighed and turned his attention back to his baseball.
"Do you plan on doing any work today? Or are you just going to sit there looking like a lost puppy?"
He chuckled despite himself and turned his chair toward Diane standing in the doorway with a knowing smirk on her face. He smiled at her, and her smirk turned more somber almost immediately.
"I am sure she would not object to being in your company, Will." She raised an eyebrow. And he smiled again, grateful that Diane was still in his corner. He nodded and stood, leaving his office and letting his hand squeeze Diane's shoulder in thanks as he passed by.
He hovered in her doorway, trying to hold in a chuckle as he listened to her grumbling under her breath as she completed paperwork; huffing and groaning loudly as she continued. He tapped his knuckles lightly on the doorframe and laughed as her head shot up and her eyes were pulled tightly into a glare.
"I am never missing a month of work again. Ever." She sighed and put down her pen as she waved him over to sit opposite her. He laughed again.
"That is an awful lot of paperwork." She nodded and frowned as she looked back down at all she had left to do. "I have depositions this afternoon if you want to sit in."
He almost laughed again at the hopeful and overly excited look on her face.
"Yes! Yes yes yes!" This time he did laugh and gazed at her almost lovingly as she joined in. "Catch me up on the case, Gardner." He smiled at her, and jumped straight into the case, loving how enthused she was. He had assumed she would struggle being back, but it didn't appear that way. Maybe she was burying her apprehension under her work, or maybe she was coping better than he had imagined. It didn't matter to him either way. All that mattered was that she was back. She was okay. And he would always be thankful for that.
He spent an hour with her. Explaining every detail of his current case. Watching her mind work was something special. Her grasp on the law was almost too entrancing. It was like it was a second language for her, an extension of herself; not just a job. She had a way of wording things just the right way and it was seriously impressing.
"You're good at this." He laughed as she raised an eyebrow.
"I'll try not to be insulted by the fact that you're surprised by that." Her eyebrow remained raised and her lips turned up on one side.
He shook his head in amusement. "We should have joined forces sooner." She chuckled.
"Well make me partner and then we-" a loud bang sounded from somewhere outside her office. He turned to find the source, noting a group of lawyers crowded around what appeared to be a fallen book shelf. Books littering the floor below. When he turned back to Alicia, she had moved from her chair. All he could see was the top of her head and her fingers grasping tightly onto her desk.
He was up from his seat in seconds and crouching infront of her. He was barely reigning in his emotions when he caught sight of her; knees pulled to her chest, eyes closed tightly, head resting on her knees. He gently removed her hands from the desk, clasping both of them in one of his and placed his other hand under her chin, gently urging her to raise her head.
Her shoulders were moving rapidly as her breathing remained erratic.
"Alicia?" No response. "Leesh. I'm right here. Nothing is wrong. You're safe. And when you're ready, I want you to open your pretty eyes and then we can sit here together until you're ready to move."
They remained that way for a few minutes. He watched as her breathing started to slowly even out and her shoulders seemed to get less tense. And then her eyes opened. And again, he found himself trying to gain control of his own emotions. She looked scared. Different from the woman that he was sat joking with not 10 minutes ago. He felt her fingers link with his before she squeezed slightly; a silent thank you. He moved to sit by her side, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She needed no encouragement to lay her head on his shoulder.
"I'm here for you, Alicia." He placed a kiss on her head and heard her sigh quietly.
"I need to get over this. I can't keep being scared. I have children to raise. I can't raise them if a mere loud noise has me running scared."
"You've been through a lot Alicia. But there are people around who will help you. People who ... Love you. You can get through this. And you will. I have no doubts."
She turned to look at him, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. She pressed a soft kiss to his lips before turning and placing her head back on his shoulder.
He was unsure of how long they remained sat that way, but he revelled in it. He happily could have sat there for the rest of his day.
"Alicia?" He heard the call from just outside the office and felt Alicia tense next to him. Diane. He stood up and turned to face her, her eyebrows furrowed as she zoned in on him standing from behind the desk. "Oh. Will. I was just coming to ask Alicia if she knew where you were. You're late for your deposition."
He could see her reaching; trying to see around the table. He had to go. He had to do his work. But he also knew that he couldn't leave Alicia. It wasn't a decision. He just knew what he had to do. Work had always come first for him and that was always his downfall. It was probably why he didn't have his own family. He wasn't going to let work come first this time. He wasn't going to leave her.
"Actually Diane, could you take it? I need to leave the office early today, as does Alicia. My notes are here and the questions are laid out. It shouldn't be too complicated." He noted the concern on her face but appreciated that she didn't pry.
"That's no problem at all, Will. I'll be in touch to let you know how it goes." And with that she exited his office. He let out a deep breath. And turned back to Alicia, holding a hand out for her to take.
"Let's get you home."
She smiled and took his hand without hesitation.