"Wow Afghanistan is a shit hole, it looks like east Denver." I say getting off the plane. Brian and Olivia came with me because they thought I needed help killing Osama.
"Ok, where should we look for Osama?" Olivia asked.
"I dunno, maybe that cave there that says Osama lives here." I say.
"Oh yeah," Olivia said as we start walking towards the cave. There we see Osama curled up in a ball and crying.
"Are you okay little fella?" Brian asked.
"No, everyone hates me." Osama said snivelling.
"Don't cry, look people never liked me before. That was mainly when I shaved my head, lost my children, got addicted to heroin, gained weight and performed badly on MTV. South Park even parodied my life…" Olivia says sadly.
"Woah that sucks dude, seriously." Osama said but he didn't stop crying.
"I want to kill myself," Osama said.
"No Osama don't, you see… the world needs you. Without you news channels would report on the truth instead of lies about you and American people wouldn't be scared to live their lives outside of their homes. You will always been remembered in America as the guy that did 9/11." I say.
"The American people are so nice… I remember just before bush died…
"Hey Osama, how's it going?" Bush asked over the phone.
"It's alright, I'm like hiding in a cave now because of 9/11."
"Oh yeah, good times eh?"
"Yeah... anyways how are things over there?"
"Well I was watching FOX news last night and it seems like everyone has forgotten about you. Apparently reporting on Britney Spear's is more entertaining."
"Yeah such a shame, I mean that break the ice song isn't that bad. She kind of had all this pressure and still was able to make a good song."
"Yeah, well I was thinking that we should all get together for a tea party later this week. I even got a band playing, they kind of suck and are called Soviet Union. It's actually the old Soviet Union members, they kind of needed a new job so they tried country death metal."
"Oh I'm sorry, I kind of don't have anymore money… spent it all on hoes." Osama says shamelessly into the phone.
"Osama what did I say about having hookers. I mean you have 17 wives…"
"Yeah I know, but something about a chick with only having her eyes showing turns me on. I made love to this chick last night that had the smallest, cutest eye holes."
"Oh man, I think I need to jack off."
"You and your white people love beating the snake don't you?"
That was the good old days but now that Bush is dead I don't have a friend in the world."
"It's okay little guy, we will be your friend." Olivia says.
"Yay, and will you cover your face so I can fuck you? I always wanted to be a paedophile." I swing my scythe and watch as his head disconnects from his body.
"Stewie… why did you do that?" Olivia asked
"Yeah man, I liked my body… I know it was thin and all but I tried to gain some muscle with weights… Man 1 kg is heavy on a bar" Osama says before he dies.
"He said he wanted to fuck you." I say in my defence.
"And why does that bother you?"
"It doesn't…" I say. Olivia rolls her eyes and walks out of the cave.
"You love her don't you?" Brian asked.
"No flea bag, shut your mouth…" I say walking out of the cave. I don't love Olivia, how could you love such a hideous beast. The way her blonde hair lingers in the wind, how her oceanic blue eyes reflect the sun better than the moon and how her farts smells like Hobo piss. I am… falling in love. Well I mean it won't I'm old enough to have an erection.