Yup, SM still owns it all. All I own is a kick-ass book collection and a ukulele.
Hi and thank you to my newest reviewer, Navygirl14.
For those wondering about Emmett going to therapy, in this chapter we get a chance to be a fly on the wall for a session with Victoria. Poor guy. I hate that he's so torn up about Bella.
This chapter is also a little lemony. Prepare to pucker up. ;)
Dr. Felix shook his head. "Bella, I wish I had better news, but your vocal cords don't seem to be healing as quickly as I had hoped. Can you remain quiet for another couple of weeks?"
Bella sighed sadly at the news. Carlisle spoke up. "I am pretty sure that the vomiting is making things worse."
"It certainly isn't helping. Do you know what triggers it? Has she been to see the gastroenterologist?"
"We know what it is. We'll have to work harder at avoiding the triggers. Come on Bella, let's get you back to school. I'm sure Edward is worried."
She waved to Dr. Felix. Frustrated didn't even begin to describe how she was feeling. She wrote a note to Carlisle once they were in the car. Do I have to stop therapy?
He nodded. "Bella, if you continue to vomit, there's a chance you'll never speak again. Can we give your body a break for a couple of weeks? I'll talk to Victoria for you. Maybe Emmett can take your sessions while you're on hiatus."
Bella stared out the window sadly.
"Dear, are you okay?"
Frustrated. Annoyed. Angry. I was making good progress. I haven't been puking as much in therapy. I'm scared that if I stop talking about it I won't be able to start again or I'll get sucked back into the fear.
Carlisle pulled over to read her note. "I understand your concerns, but we can't chance your health. Maybe we can find other ways for you to express yourself. What about art therapy?" He put his hand on her shoulder. "Look, don't worry about it now. I'll make some calls. We'll get you through this."
He pulled back on the road and dropped her off at the school a few minutes later. Edward was pacing back and forth by the stairs. Carlisle explained to Edward what Dr. Felix had said, then headed back to the hospital.
Bella wrote quickly on the whiteboard. Before you ask, I'm okay.
"How did you know?" He kissed the top of her head.
She stopped to write her answer. Because the first thing ANYONE ever asks me is if I'm okay. I'm tired of people always asking that. People need to trust me to tell them when I'm not okay.
"Sorry, we're just concerned, that's all."
I know, and I love you for it, but can you imagine being asked the same fucking question a million times a day?
He looked sad as he walked away from her. Bella realized she'd hurt him. Her frustration was taking a toll on the one person she needed.
Before he could get too far away, she ran and tackled him. They went sprawling on the damp lawn. She turned him over, wiped some grass from his cheek and kissed him. When she pulled away, she mouthed the words 'I'm sorry.'
He didn't say anything. She grabbed the whiteboard and began writing. Edward, I'm really sorry I've been such a bitch to you. I'm frustrated and I shouldn't be taking it out on you. Please, please forgive me. I love you. Please don't leave me.
Silence. Bella was terrified that she'd really done it, that she'd finally driven him away, that he'd seen that she was just too fucked up for him.
Finally he spoke. "Bella, love, I'm sure as hell not going to leave you over something as minor as this. I understand you're frustrated, so am I. You have no idea just how frustrated I am. I am in love with the most incredible girl in the world. Sure, she's got issues, some very big ones, but I'm okay with that, I have issues too. I'm frustrated that she's always down on herself, that she can't see herself the way that I do. I'm frustrated that I can't hear her voice. I miss it terribly. I'm sad that she doesn't think she deserves me. I am the one who doesn't deserve her. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. I wish she could see that."
Bella began to cry. She rested her head on Edward's chest and sobbed silently.
"Ahem. Mr. Cullen, Ms. Swan, might I suggest you get up off the damp ground and go to class?"
"Sorry, Mr. Banner, sir." Edward said as he sat them up.
Noting Bella's tear-streaked face, Mr. Banner asked: "Ms. Swan, do you need to see the nurse?"
She nodded no.
"Then I suggest you go to class."
"Yes, sir."
Emmett took on Bella's therapy sessions while she was trying to avoid triggering any vomiting.
"So, Emmett, are you going to talk to me this time or are we going to sit in quasi-uncomfortable silence?" Victoria smiled at him.
Em shifted in his seat. "I don't know."
"Take your time. I'm not going to..."
"I hate myself."
Victoria's head snapped up. She hadn't expected him to break so quickly. "Well, that's a start. Want to tell me why?"
"I'm sure you know why. Are you really going to make me say it? Out loud?"
"Yes."
"Man, you really are a tough bi..."
"Were you just about to call me a bitch?"
"No, I was going to say BIRD. I don't like calling women bitches. It's rude. Besides, I don't know you well enough to pass that kind of judgment."
"You're stalling, Emmett."
"I thought you said I could take my time," he said as he grinned evilly at her.
Victoria laughed. "Bella was right. You are a handful. So, okay then, take your time..."
"I failed her. I failed them. I'm a failure."
"Okay."
He continued. "I failed Mom and Dad because I didn't protect Bella. I thought I could handle raising her on my own. She's a good kid. I didn't think there'd be any trouble. I failed her because I couldn't keep her safe in her own goddamn house from my own best friend. I put her in danger every time I left them together. I trusted him to look after her and he fucking raped her!
"I hate that I was too blind to see what was happening. I just figured she was still messed up over Mom and Dad dying.
"It kills me that she believed his lies. How could she ever believe that I would leave her? I thought she knew how much I loved her. She's all I have left!"
Emmett broke down and sobbed. Victoria put her hand on his arm to comfort him. "Bella is good at hiding things Emmett and I don't know if she ever doubted your love, James just caught her at her most vulnerable time; she was an easy target."
"My baby sister is broken and it's all my fault. Do you know how hard it's been to live with that thought constantly running through my head?"
"No, but it's a burden you shouldn't have to carry. You need to find a way to let go of the guilt."
He sighed. "I don't think I can. I feel it every time I look at her. How fucked up is that?
"To make matters worse, I'm being scouted by a bunch of different universities and that freaks me out too because I can't leave Bella behind. What if James finds her again? What if someone else tries to hurt her?"
Victoria chuckled. "That's fantastic news Emmett. I don't think you have to worry though, I doubt that Edward will let her out of his sight long enough for anything to happen."
"Yeah, whatever. I thought that I could protect her too and look at what happened. Edward's a great kid, but I worry that he won't be enough for her.
"Did she tell you that she overheard some of the bitches at school saying she was a sex slave and calling me a pimp? That's absurd!"
"I thought you didn't like to call women bitches?"
"I know these two and trust me, they are bitches. I feel no remorse in using that word to describe them. I could think of a dozen more words to use too."
"Gotcha. So Emmett, what do we do? What do you want?"
Emmett stood up and paced. "It's not about what I want anymore. I gave up any right to that when I let her down. It's all about Bella and keeping her happy and safe."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Are you sure you don't deserve any happiness?"
"Yes."
"You're wrong. Emmett, can you please sit down and look at me?"
He sat back down. "Do I make you nervous?"
"Not in the least. You were making me dizzy with your pacing back and forth. Look, I know you feel responsible for what happened but it's not your fault. You need to stop punishing yourself. You have a right to be happy. You have a right to have your own life.
"Bella's in good hands with the Cullens. I don't think you need to worry."
Emmett was quiet for a minute and sighed heavily. "It hurts."
"What hurts?"
"My heart. It hurts really bad. Sometimes I can't handle it. I think that's why I'm doing so good in football this season. I can take it out on the tackling dummies and the other team. I really don't know how to deal with it otherwise.
"I need help Victoria. I'm full of pain and anger and hate and I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes I yell, most times I cry. I cry every fucking night. Big guys aren't supposed to cry."
"Big guys have big hearts and big hurts. Crying isn't a bad thing Emmett. It's good to get it out. Much like Bella's vomiting, your tears are helping you purge some of that hurt.
"You and I have a lot of work to do, big guy, if you're up for it. If we can get you back on track it'll reduce some of the burden that Bella is carrying around."
"I'll do it for Bella," he said with resolve.
Victoria smiled warmly at him. "It's better if you can do it for yourself first."
Carlisle brought in an art therapy specialist to work with Bella. She provided her with an endless supply of canvas, paint, charcoal, pastels, clay...name it, she had it. Edward set her up in the music room so she could listen to him play while she worked through her emotions. She journalled about what she was feeling when she painted each piece. She worked through some things she hadn't wanted to speak about and didn't vomit once, not that she didn't have the urge to on several occasions. Maybe art therapy was what she needed all along?
Her brother was less stressed since he began seeing Victoria. He wasn't acting as guilty and he wasn't crying as much. He seemed to be returning to his 'big brother bear' demeanor; the joking, the teasing and his trademark big belly laughs. Oh, how Bella had missed those.
Since football season was in full swing, the family traveled to all of Emmett's games. It became one of Bella's favourite family traditions. Each weekend they would get all bundled up, pack coolers full of goodies and were always the loudest and most obnoxious people in the stands, well, minus Bella, who was still under a gag order.
Emmett was MVP most games and there were very loud rumblings about college scouts fighting over him. Bella was so happy for her brother. He had given up so much for her, had been through so much that it was about time something good happened to him.
The day of Bella's next consultation with Dr. Felix approached, although not nearly as quickly as Bella wanted. Edward and Carlisle accompanied her and held her hands as the scope passed down her throat to examine her vocal cords. Dr. Felix smiled. "Bella, it's looking so much better! Look at the screen."
They all looked over at the flat panel monitor and it was easy to see that what had once looked red, sore, and inflamed was now looking pinker and much healthier.
"I'm not going to say that you're back to 100%, because you're not, and I don't want you overdoing it, but I think you can try to say something." He pulled out the scope while Edward passed her a glass of water to rinse the bitter numbing spray from her mouth.
"Okay Bella, why don't you try to say something out loud? Don't be disappointed if nothing happens—it's been a while since you've exercised your voice box."
She turned to Edward and opened her mouth. She tried to say 'I love you' but nothing came out. Tears pooled in her brown eyes and she looked away, ashamed.
"It's okay, love. It might take some time. We'll work on it together."
Dr. Felix spoke up. "Dear, it might take a few days. If you've still not vocalized anything by this time next week, please come back to see me. In the meantime, keep your throat wet and don't overdo it."
"Okay," she tried to say.
"Hang in there Bella."
Bella was still feeling down about her muteness that night when she and Edward were getting into bed.
"Are you still moping?"
She nodded as she curled up beside him.
"What can I do to make you smile?"
Grinning evilly, she took his hand in hers and placed it on her breast. He exhaled sharply.
"No advanced warning, eh?" He said as he gave her that heart-stopping crooked smile of his.
She shook her head. He smiled as she slowly led his hand over her chest. He groaned quietly every time he grazed one of her taut nipples with his hand.
Bella surprised him again when she lifted her shirt and allowed him access to her bare skin.
"Perfection," he said as he committed her milky white breasts to memory. "Absolutely perfect."
Feeling even braver, Bella removed her hand from his and allowed him to roam freely. She closed her eyes and sighed happily. No James. All Edward. Another hurdle scaled. Score one for Team Bella.
"Love, is this okay?" He asked as he rolled her right nipple between his fingers.
Her head arched back. It felt wonderful. She nodded vigorously.
"Can I try something?" he asked huskily.
She quirked an eyebrow at him. He slowly lowered his mouth to take her nipple between his lips.
Fire exploded in her, sending heat waves into her groin. Her breath hitched as she fisted her hands in his hair.
"Edward," she moaned roughly. "Don't stop."
He stopped.
He lifted his head and stared at her. "What did you say?"
"I said don't stop and you stopped...wait, I can talk!" she said quietly. It was no more than a whisper and it was raspy, but still, she spoke. Out loud.
"Oh Bella, you did it!" He kissed her.
She pulled him back and said: "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Okay, now that we've established that I can whisper, can you please go back to the regularly scheduled foreplay?"
He laughed and returned to suckling her nipples and trailing his hands along the scars that had once bothered her so much. He loved her. All of her. Scars, damaged reproductive organs, broken spirit, magnificent breasts, beautiful eyes and a smile he'd kill to see more often. Someday she'd trust him enough for him to show her physically just how much he loves her. Until then he'd take whatever she could offer and be more than happy with it.