"Is Callie okay?" Lena asked as Stef walked into their bedroom.
"Yes." Stef said, knowing that Lena was really only talking about the dinner. She decided to leave the rest of the conversation for now - Lena wasn't really ready for that yet. "She understands. They all do. They know it's going to take a while for you to feel comfortable again. Don't worry about them."
"They were so scared." Lena pointed out. She had made it a point to go and say goodnight to each of them to show them that she was okay but she could see the worry in their faces.
"Yes, but they have me and mom and your parents." Stef reminded her. "They'll be okay. We're there to talk to them and explain it all to them."
"I'm sorry." Lena said, not really sure what she was apologizing for - for freaking out to begin with or the fact that they were left to deal with it all.
"Please don't be babe." Stef said, pulling Lena closer in bed. "Don't worry about anything besides just getting better."
Everyone was happy to have Lena back home, especially Lena, but soon the anxiety began to build up. In the hospital she had begun to feel safe - the constant activity and people around all the time had comforted her. But now, at home, she felt a little less protected. Stef was beside her and that made her feel a little better but still, everyone was asleep and the house was dark and quiet and Lena wasn't comfortable. She began to breath heavily and though she tried to calm herself down she couldn't and eventually her body began to shake as sobs took over.
As soon as Stef felt Lena shaking in her arms she was up. "What's wrong love?" Stef asked worriedly.
Lena was crying hard now and she was gasping for breath. Stef jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom to get a glass of water for Lena. The moment the bathroom light went on Lena began to feel a little better - everything wasn't so dark anymore.
"Here love." Stef said helping Lena up and handing her the glass.
The cool water felt good and eventually Lena calmed down and was able to breath again. Stef took the glass from her and placed it on the side table before pulling Lena up against her and just holding her in much the same way she had held Callie.
"It's okay Love." Stef whispered. "You're safe. No one can hurt you."
Lena did feel safe in Stef's arms but she wouldn't be there all the time. Eventually Stef would go back to work and the kids would go to school, her parents and Sharon would go back home and Lena would be home alone and at some point she'd have to go out alone as well and those are the things that scared her. The thought made her annoyed with herself - what thirty-nine year old is afraid to be home or go out alone? One who's been attacked she answered herself miserably.
"That's what I thought that night too." Lena said.
"Honey, there are precautions we can take to keep us safe." Stef reminded her. "Like not going somewhere without someone knowing where you are, and avoiding situations like that night."
"I can't call you every time I need to go somewhere Stef." Lena reasoned.
"Not every time, love." Stef said. "But a night out, after you've been at a gay bar, when you're all alone..."
Stef felt Lena stiffen in her arms. "I know you hate the fact that this probably happened because of where you had been but honey that's the reality. People aren't as open to us as we might wish. We have to be safe, that's more important than anything else."
"I just feel so stupid." Lena said. "I knew it wasn't the safest thing to do but I'm a grown woman, I should be able to take care of myself."
Stef knew that this wasn't going to get anywhere. Her telling Lena that she was reacting normally to what happened to her only resulted in Lena arguing, and so she tried another tactic.
"What would you have told Mariana or Callie?" She asked. "If this had happened to them, and they were feeling like you are what would you say?"
Lena thought for a moment. Stef had a way of using tough love to get people to finally face the truth. She figured that's one thing that made her a damn good cop.
"I would tell them that it wasn't there fault and just because they were out alone at night doesn't mean they were asking for it." She said, and it was true. It was like the conversation she had had with Jude so long ago - it made her angry that other people, people who didn't understand being different, made her feel unsafe and uncomfortable to show who she loved.
"Then how is it different for you?" Stef questioned, knowing that Lena would have no good answer.
And Lena remained silent. Just like Stef had thought, she had no answer and she was mature enough not to just make one up. Stef was right and Lena needed to just accept that though she'd be afraid for a while and feel nervous about certain things, it was natural and eventually she'd go back to being her regular self - except that she would be slightly changed forever.
"Just because you're an adult doesn't make it any easier for you love." Stef said gently as she played with Lena's curled, soothing her. "It doesn't mean that you can't feel whatever it is you're feeling or that you're stupid for feeling them at all."
"I know." Lena said softly. "I just want it to pass."
"It will love." Stef assured her. "Give it time."
They lay together quietly for a while longer and once Stef felt Lena falling asleep again she slipped out of bed and headed to the bathroom where she dug out Callie's sweater from the dryer. It was still warm and felt great as Stef took it back to Lena. She flipped off the bathroom light, that she had left on in her hurry to get back to Lena with the water.
"Leave it on please." Lena said in a small voice, almost embarrassed at her own request.
Stef switched the light back on and closed the door slightly allowing their bedroom to be lit up just enough to make Lena feel safe.
"It's fine honey." Stef assured Lena as she helped her into the sweater and then pulled her close as they both drifted off to sleep.
Monday morning Stef and Lena slept in while Sharon and Dana took charge of getting the kids up, fed and off to school. They had wanted to see Lena before going but Dana reminded them sternly that she needed to rest and told them to call during lunch to talk to her. Reluctantly the kids left for school with Stewart driving them.
Stef had a couple more days off to be with Lena before she headed back to work on Wednesday. She had debated taking the night shift so that Lena wouldn't be alone at all - during the day she'd be home while the kids were at school and at night the kids would be home while she worked - but Lena's fear the night before made Stef rethink that idea.
Sharon was heading back to Florida on Wednesday as well and Dana and Stewart were flying out on Friday morning, so for two days at least there would be someone with Lena. But Stef worried about what would happen when Lena was alone. She reminded herself to call the therapist that the hospital had suggested and make the earliest appointment for Lena. The doctors at the hospital felt that Lena wouldn't really need more than a few sessions, just to help her cope with what had happened and how she was feeling and find ways to express herself and Stef hoped that was true, but she'd do whatever she had to to help Lena feel safe.
When Lena woke up just after nine, Stef was already up and out of the room. The bathroom light was now switched off but the room was flooded in natural light and as Lena looked around the familiar surroundings she chastised herself for being afraid in her own bedroom.
She headed into the bathroom to brush her teeth and shower before heading downstairs to join the other adults. Stef, Sharon and Dana were in the living room talking.
"Good morning love." Stef smiled as Lena entered the living room and took a seat next to her mother.
"Sleep well baby?" Dana asked, holding Lena close.
Stef smiled at the site - no matter how crazy your mother drove you, when you were sick or hurt it was her that you wanted.
Lena nodded slightly, sharing a look with Stef but Stef did think that Lena slept well. Yes, she had panicked a bit when they actually tried to sleep but it wasn't long before Lena did fall asleep and she slept through the night. Stef was the one that had woken up every so often to check on Lena and make sure she was okay.
"Where's dad?" Lena asked.
"He went to get us all donuts for breakfast." Dana said.
"Yup, I refused to eat that horse food that you two eat." Sharon said with a grin, referring to the oats and wheat flakes that Lena insisted on since it was healthy.
"It's good for you Sharon." Lena said laughing.
"But it tastes like crap." Sharon answered her. "Sugar, now that's something worth stuffing your face with."
"I bet you won't think so when your cholesterol is through the roof." Stef pointed out.
"Oh, you can't live your life being afraid of what might happen Stefanie." Sharon scolded her daughter.
But Lena was thankful that she had managed to change Stef's views on healthy eating. Stef had grown up eating unhealthy, prepackaged foods on a regular basis and had grumbled immensely when Lena insisted she try the healthier stuff that Lena cooked. But with Lena's constant insistence and pleading Stef had begun to accept it and eventually even prefer it. It had reached a point where Stef even tried to get her father to eat a little healthier whenever she could.
"First you have to live long enough for something to happen mom." Stef shot back.
"This is all your doing." Sharon pretended to scold Lena with a grin.
"Guilty." Lena smiled, though she wasn't sorry one bit.