A/N: Dear Hellboy, I appreciate all opinions, good or bad, but if you don't like the story there's no need to be rude about it. I don't write for you, sir. I write because I enjoy it, and no one forces you to read my stories.
To the rest of you, I apologize for the looooong time in between updates. I have a new work schedule, plus a whole lot going on this summer but I'll do my best to update more often. I LOVE YOU ALL. :D
Song for this chapter is "Spectrum" by Florence + the Machine
I'd asked Haymitch to wake me when Peeta returned, but I wake up and look at the clock to see that it's already ten in the morning. Haymitch didn't wake me. First, I just assume that it's because he got too drunk and passed out, or just forgot, or just didn't care to wake me. Or maybe he didn't know, but when I go downstairs I realize I'm wrong.
Sae and Haymitch are both at the kitchen table, watching me come down the stairs, and already I know that something is wrong. Partly, because Haymitch is completely, 100% sober.
"Good morning, sweetheart." Sae tells me, but I don't like the sound of her voice right now. It's somber.
When Haymitch tells me to sit down, I feel as though I can't breathe, and I become lightheaded. My stomach drops, and I feel scared for the first time in I don't know how long.
"What's wrong?" I ask them, terrified of the answer, but more terrified of not knowing.
They look at each other.
"Tell me." I say, as more of a demand than a suggestion. I need to know what's going on, regardless of whether they think that I can handle it or not.
"Well, Peeta.." Haymitch starts to say.
Sae interrupts. She places one hand over mine but I quickly pull mine out from under. It's not necessary, but I don't want or need affection, I need Peeta. I mean, I need to know what's going on with him.
Sae takes her hand back and straightens her blouse. "He…had another episode on the train back."
"I figured as much," I say, calming down now. It's still bad, but he's had episodes before. Still, why isn't he here?
"Well, Katniss…this isn't like the last few." Haymitch says.
"What do you mean?"
"They don't know what caused it, but this one was bad…his worst one yet. He was out for quite awhile."
"Where is he now? Is he okay? When is he coming back? Does he remember me?" I stop myself from asking anymore questions, though I have plenty.
"District 4, he's okay, he's going to be there for awhile, and yes, he does. More than he should, really."
"Why is he there?"
"Doctors there are better than any, save for the Capitol. They didn't think it'd be a good idea to send him back over there," Sae tells me.
Yeah, probably not the best idea.
"So he's with my mother?"
"She's not his primary doctor but she'll probably see him at least once."
Haymitch and Sae rise up, "We'll leave you alone for now. If you need anything, I'll be next door." Haymitch tells me when they start to leave.
I just nod my head before heading back upstairs to get my hunting gear.
But I don't go hunting. I get fully dressed for it, and even sling my bow over my shoulder, but the glare coming from the sunlight reflecting off Peeta's bedroom window catches my attention. I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at his painting, the one of the dandelion that he hung on the wall opposite the window, not too long ago.
I find myself longing to see him there again, painting, sleeping, doing anything, and I don't even question why. Seeing him moving on with his life just gives me hope that somehow everyone affected by the Hunger Games and their families will be able to do the same. Maybe even myself.
By the time I finally get out the door, it's too late to hunt, but I take Buttercup with me into the woods anyway. I'll stay at my lakehouse tonight. Before I leave, I be sure to post a note on the door, telling anyone that sees it that I am fine and will return in the morning.
I can see the reflection of the fire I've just started in Buttercup's eyes as I draw a dandelion into the book that Peeta and I worked on. The one with the different herbs and plants and things and what they'd be used for. My drawing of the dandelion isn't nearly as good as Peeta's artwork, but it will have to do.
Dandelions are not very useful. They won't keep someone from starving, nor will they heal any kind of ailment someone might suffer, and they aren't even that pretty to look at. But, I feel that they should be in here, in this book. And instead of writing recipes on the page opposite this drawing, I write only one word: hope.
I lay down my head when I'm done, to sleep. Buttercup curls up next to me, in the curve created by me lying on my side. I enjoy the warm sensation of the fire's heat directly in front of me, and the smell on the quilt my mother made that reminds me of home.
I miss my mother.
I think I just miss family all together. Waking up in the mornings as a child to the sight and sound of three familiar faces that I loved with all my heart. My mother, father, and sister. Only one of them is still alive, and she's far, very far away from here.
I've gotten used to the kind of dysfunctional family that I have here, that consists of Peeta, Haymitch, and Sae. But Sae can't be here all the time, and as much as I hate to say it, it's not the same. Haymitch I can barely stand and that's only because I have to, and Peeta, I'm not sure about him. I care a lot about him, but do I love him?
Before this morning, before I knew he was in any kind of danger, my answer would have definitely been no. But now I'm not so sure. As much as I hate it, there's no other logical reason why I felt the way I did when I knew something wasn't right. I've never been so terrified of losing someone, not since Prim got called for the reaping.
The next morning, I wake up so comfortable and so happy, a way I haven't felt in awhile. Then I remember why, as the dream I had comes back to me:
I walk down the stairs with a child in my arms, a young girl. She looks like me, like she's from a picture of me when I was a child. She looks to be about four. She's singing to me as I carry her down the stairs, I set her down once I reach the bottom, and she struggles to gain her balance as she runs over to the cat to play with him. Then I walk into the kitchen, and I see Peeta, baking bread, with flour all over his apron and hands. A boy, very young, but older than the girl, runs up to me and hugs me tightly.
"Son, you've got flour on your nose," Peeta says to the boy. I squat down so that my eyes meet his, and wipe the flour off the boys nose with my thumb. This boy looks very much like Peeta except for one major detail- those deep, Seam grey eyes. I look at Peeta, then at the two children again, before I piece together that these children are mine.
When it dawns on me that this is my family, there's a warm feeling in my heart that I can't explain, and a overall feeling of hope that overwhelms me.
Then I opened my eyes.
Back in reality, I open the blinds that I just recently had Sae get me from the marketplace, let the sunlight in.
Buttercup stretches his two arms out while yawning, then arches his back before walking over to the front door and scratching at it.
I let him out and then make sure my fire is out and everything is put back in its place before I join him outside.
When I walk out, I see Buttercup lapping water out of the lake. I don't know exactly what time it is, but judging by the Sun, it's around noon. That's when I realize that I slept a long time. More than I have in awhile. I decide it must have been the dream. Peeta's presence in the dream granted me more sleep than I could have hoped for. Only his actual presence would be better, but I don't want to make that an option. Especially since I don't know when he'll be coming back.
I get back to my house in the district just when the phone rings. When I answer it, a familiar voice greets me.
"Hi baby."
"Mom?"
"Yes, I thought I'd call to let you know that Peeta woke up."
"He did?!" I say, a little more excited than I should be.
"…Yes…but I should probably tell you what happened to him…"
She sounds upset.
"Okay, go ahead."
"He did it on purpose."
"Sent himself into an episode?" I say, not knowing it to be possible.
"Kind of. He said he felt a 'pull' while thinking of you, so he said your name over and over again along with every trigger word he could think of."
"What the hell? Why?!"
"He said he thought maybe it would send him into an episode but he would be less sensitive to your name when it was over."
How could he do that? How stupid that was! Why would he intentionally harm himself that way when there are so many people that care a whole lot about him? It was unbelievably selfish, but I don't have time to dwell on it. "Katniss, you there?"
"Yeah," I say, sounding angry now.
"He said he couldn't bear never being able to say your name again."
And with that, I hung up the phone.