Conversations

Chapter 14 - Raina

I did not want to return to work, reluctant as I was to go anywhere near the spazz who thought he was hot stuff. Elladan was by far more appealing…but I wouldn't let my mind go there. I tried to bolster my confidence, to steel my resolve; I wasn't the kind of person who let things get to them so much they couldn't keep up their end of responsibilities.

When I pulled back into my parking spot at Borders, I was seized by a single thought, one desire: Where was Elladan with a hug, some comfort, and a good dose of that wonderful protective streak?

It was no use pondering. I tried to shake myself loose from these useless wonderings, these fruitless desires.

I had grown quiet the closer we got back to Borders, and when I shut the engine off, Trelan reached over and touched my arm, giving me pause as I prepared to get out. I looked up and he gave me a serious expression. "Call me if you need me or he tries anything, alright? I'll be here."

I felt inexplicably relieved and stared at him with gratitude flooding me. "Thank you," I whispered.

"No need." He smiled tightly. "I know you feel you need to be here and I can't do anything about the environment, but I wouldn't leave you alone with this."

I took a deep breath and gave him a small nod, strained a smile and got out.

I dreaded going back inside, but I was relieved to find out that George had taken the rest of the day off due to "not feeling well." I had to repress a snort at that, thinking it so typical—he was so high on himself and being knocked down by a girl must've done a number on his pride. Not that I particularly cared about it, I was just glad he was gone.

The rest of the day passed without incident, thankfully, but when I got home I was quite happy that the bulk of my day was over. The house was empty, so I retreated to my room and buried myself in music -I was in a Boyce Avenue mood and they do wonderful covers as well as writing fantastic originals- and organizing myself, mostly by either cleaning or determining what the rest of my week looked like.

I had an on-sight survey to do tomorrow for my internship, so I readied what I would need. When I had exhausted my varied list of things to do, I settled in to pound out a 1,000 word article comparing the wildfires that had burned their way across so much of drought-marred Texas to the unusual stormy weather we've had so late into the year this year (unusual compared to the past several years, at least). Thousands of fires, hundred-thousands of acres burned, and astronomical costs of the damages—last year had closed as the worst year of wildfires in Texas history. The rains then, this year, had seemed so strange a thing to be experiencing, the frequent downpours lasting even late into June.

It was in the midst of editing a proof I was doing for a client, though, that I heard the front door open and close. I froze, wondering which elf (or ranger?) had entered my house. I frowned, then figured whoever it was could come find me, since they didn't bother with the doorbell in the first place. It briefly crossed my mind that it could be Elladan, but I decided if he wanted to see me, he could seek me out.

Someone knocked on my closed bedroom door. I glanced up from the papers on my desk and turned the music down, calling for whoever it was to come in.

It was Trelan who entered and, without preamble, gave me a very shrewd look and said. "Enough of that, come on. I brought dinner, and we're going to watch a movie."

I blinked at him. "But…" I gestured to my work.

"If that's the work for Johnsons, I know for a fact you have two more days before your deadline and that's plenty of time. You've been hiding out since you got home, haven't you." As he had done at lunch, it wasn't a question.

I shot him a sheepish look.

He quirked a brow. "I knew as much. You've been working all day, come on." And without waiting for me to argue or deliberate over it, he gestured to me and left.

I sighed and got up, stretching before I pressed my sparsely red-marked papers all back together. When I headed out to the dining room, it was to find that Trelan's idea of getting dinner tonight had been a couple of orders from Taco Bueno.

I wondered how he had paid for it, but he was asking me about work and how I was doing and what movie I wanted to watch. Shaking my head and giving it up as inevitable, I suggested something with a lot of action and intrigue, like Eagle Eye or Clear and Present Danger.

We settled on Firewall instead. Go figure.

When I at last turned in for the evening, I found myself dressed and ready for bed and pacing my room, restless rather than sleeping as I was supposed to be. My head was spinning, the cover and stillness that comes with night stirring my thoughts into a frenzy.

I was trying to make sense of my own feelings, Elladan's words and actions, and what Elrohir and Trelan had told me today. I was also trying to shake the memory of George's hands and breath all over me and wishing for a certain elf's attentions instead…no, no, go no further, you bad mind.

Finally, I decided to sit down and write to Elladan. I had begun journaling to my future husband many years before, and in the back of my closet, I had a box of journals full of my most intimate thoughts and frivolous ramblings. When it had become apparent to me that a certain dark-haired elf was the one, after he had told me he loved me and I felt the confirmation of that deep-seated knowing deep within my soul, I had taken to addressing him more directly in journal entries that I would one day let him read.

I cracked open the journal I was on and put pen to the paper, trying to sort through my thoughts in another letter to him.

I miss you. I know I don't really know where you are or what you're doing or what all of this means…heck, I'm not even sure I know you, or at least, not as well as I know I want to…but it seems crazy what's going on, eh. I like intrigue, I like mysteries…but I don't like unresolved riddles and issues. Sooner or later, the plot has to end and a new one begun; one chapter closes with its point and a new one starts with the next lesson, so we keep moving forward.

Idling…in all this unknown? This does not feel right; and it does not sit well with me. It feels like waiting around on a train that is never coming. There's nowhere to run, you know; nowhere to run but forward, so why are you going the wrong way?

I paused and sat back, thinking over this question and pondering what I wanted to say next. I tapped the pen against my mouth for a moment, then slowly I began to once again pour out my thoughts.

I don't like secrets. Harmless ones are fine, but those are things like what you're getting someone for their birthday or Christmas or just because you were thinking of them. Harmless secrets are planning something special for someone just because you felt like blessing them.

But secrets about one's past? No. In a relationship, there has to be honesty…or there is no relationship. What is love without trust? Both -of relationships and love- are travesties, and you should know I have no respect for a travesty. I want to be true, or else what am I? A fake…I can't live like that. I won't.

So what are you waiting for?

Sighing, I tossed the pen down and gave it up as a bad job; nothing else was coming to me and I knew I could postulate for hours and get nowhere further—that this entry had gotten me as far as it could.

Finally, I decided to shut off the light and crawl into bed, but I felt so empty and sad, waiting for sleep seemed never ending in the darkness.

-0-

I scowled at myself in the mirror as I attempted to fix my hair. The blonde locks were being errant and I felt miserable enough to consider it all as horrible. I gave a tug at my hair and suddenly the clip I was putting it all up in snapped. Growling slightly, I tossed it away from me. It just figured, didn't it?

Today…today started out bad. It wasn't one of those I never should have gotten out of bed days, because it had started going downhill before I had gotten out of bed.

I'm sure at some point, this day had been nice…but that was before I woke up. Waking up to Elladan whispering my name, only for it to register and for me to automatically answer yes?, then turn over to find the room empty—well, it had set the precedent for this day. I dreamt of him there, of him near me, of him saying my name, because I loved the way he called me Raina, as if it was the most beautiful combination of syllables in the whole world to him…or the whole of all the worlds and universes that there are, rather.

I dreamt of him and woke myself up over it early. Another few hours of sleep wouldn't have been remiss, you know.

And, all I could think as I stared at the ceiling and blew out my breath heavily was "great, I'm already dreaming about him being back." So my day started out feeling outrageously horrible and everything else had followed.

I burned my breakfast, cut my hand on some nail in my closet that I swear had not been there before, found my iPod to be dead (though how that one had happened, I really wasn't sure; it'd had a nice charge yesterday morning and I hadn't used it enough to drain it), stubbed my toe horribly on a chair in the dining room, I couldn't find an outfit I was comfortable in, my hair wouldn't cooperate…then I broke my clip.

Well. Blast all this. I had work to get to.

I stuck my tongue out at myself in the mirror, but really I was just saying pfft to everything else about this day that had been so horrible, including the dream that had just made everything start off ruined.

I finished getting ready to go, but even as I locked up my house and entered the early morning sunshine, the same miserable mantra of questions that had been buzzing in my head all morning were still vying for the idle attention of my brain.

Where was Elladan?

How many times had I wondered that?

How many times had I wondered that one, too?

Too many times, I think.

Gah, my head was too addled for me. I didn't like it. I needed a distraction and something to get my frazzled nerves settled. I popped Avril Lavigne's Let Go into the stereo and cranked it up until I was satisfied.

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby? Right now, I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real. Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you? …

Ah. The beat hit the spot and yes, I most definitely sang along with a lot of personal inflection in my tone.

I turned my attention to an architectural design for a water garden I had been pondering before all this mess began, thinking about the closed water system that, if I did it just right, could potentially generate its own energy for the recycling system; also, the size and shape of the pool, the plants and fish it should contain.

As I pulled up, my phone vibrated.

Want to go to lunch? I'm thinking chinese. You? I glanced at the ID to see it informing me it was Estel. I snorted quietly with amusement, noting the early hour.

I did a quick search for Chinese food restaurants in the area of Eagle Mountain Lake, which was where I was today, working with Jean on a design for a new park. I don't know why the people who hired Earl and Jean (the owners of the landscape agency I was interning with) didn't choose someone closer, but I suspected my bosses had some kind of relationship, working or personal, with the client.

Sure, ranger. Meet you at Panda Express (1149 North Saginaw Boulevard) noonish.

Now that that was done. Time to get to work on something more enjoyable than Borders had been yesterday.

-0-

Or…not. How small was this world, seriously? What are the odds the client is one Gary Hiel, as in…George's father. And the dufus has apparently gone running to Mommy and Daddy, not bothering to go into work, even though I know, from having checked the schedule yesterday, he has a shift today.

And he was way more busted up than when I'd last seen him. I was certain I had not done that to him, but I almost wished that I had, since apparently, my decking his face yesterday didn't get the message across.

He kept following me around or watching me or grinning at me.

And when I went to get some paperwork from Jean's car, he cornered me with a grin -that was borderline feral- on his face.

"Hey sex-kitten." He purred at me. Oh Lord help me…

"What do you want?" I was through being polite to him, and this stalking was creepy. A light in his eyes made me inwardly shiver.

"I want the name of that pussy boyfriend of yours." He spat at me, literally.

I gave him a slightly surprised, but still haughty look as I surveyed the damage to his face…two massive and very stunning black eyes, swollen nose and lips, scratched up chin…I also recalled having seen a chipped tooth when he grinned at me earlier.

"And why should I give you anyone's name?"

"Because I will have justice. And I'll have you, one way or another."

Was that what I thought it was? Did he seriously threaten me with bodily assault? I shivered.

"I do not know what you're talking about, and I'm not telling you his name."

"You don't have to. I'll get it from this." He held up a small, shiny object that I immediately recognised as my phone. Checking my pocket, I gave a child-friendly curse.

I had left the phone on top of the clipboard, back with my tools in the yard. Stupid, stupid me.

"That could be considered theft, you know." I tried to stay calm.

George shot me an entirely fake look of shock. "Oh, it could, couldn't it. Well, by all means, take it back and let's forget this ever happened. No harm, no foul, right?" But the grin he flashed me was not a nervous one; in fact, it was downright victorious.

He tossed my phone at me and I realised the bind I was in. Causing a scene with the spoiled brat of some corporate bigshot who also happened to be so much of an important person in his community that he's financing the design of the park…well, it would not end well for me. Getting fired from my internship would not exactly be endearing on my résumé, for one thing.

I clenched my phone tightly, watching him amble off all smug and full of himself, the cad. I was very grateful that I would be meeting Aragorn for lunch in a little over an hour, which I felt could not pass fast enough.

And with the way George kept watching me in an obvious voyeuristic fashion, making my skin crawl until I was ready to tear my hair out, I found it hard to concentrate. Finally, my frustration and unease got to be too much and I found myself demanding where a certain absent elf was to take care of me.

Dang it, Dan. Where are you? I regretted sending the text the moment after I pressed send, and the terrified guilt made something in my chest ache fiercely. I tried to tell myself to calm down, as I glanced at the time and told myself I could go soon, so soon…

That depends on why you're asking Came the reply, unexpected in a way. Landscaping today right? Gary hiel? a few seconds after the first.

He had obviously recalled my schedule, which I wrote up on a big dry erase board on my fridge for a reminder. I wondered if I was reading too much into his replies.

I shook it off and took his text at face-value, which was elusiveness. So I just finished the text I had been sending him before he replied, instead. Never mind. Sorry I bothered you. I winced as I hit send, suddenly wishing I had deleted those last three words.

A few minutes went by and I was afraid I had offended him when a call came through. Surprised, I stared at the ID flashing Elladan. He was calling me? I finally had the sense to press the button. Before I could say anything, he breathed out a sigh.

"You don't bother me, Raina. Your grace feeds my soul in numerous ways."

Whoa. This was new. And a little weird.

"Tsk, tsk. Personal phone calls on the clock. That could be considered grounds for dismissal." The jerk's slimy, smug voice grated on my nerves.

I sighed, just wanting this day to be over. If it wasn't one, it was the other. Suddenly Dan made an odd noise, as if a lightbulb had gone off in his head.

"I'm sorry Raina, but I have to go. Just remember, you're never bothersome to me."

Before I could reply, he'd hung up. I took the phone from my ear and gave it a confused look. I wasn't quite sure what exactly had just happened, or what he was up to, but it could not be good.

I found it difficult to believe I was not a bother to Dan, but I did know who was a bother to me, and he was standing in my personal space again. I know I must have looked irritated, because Jean appeared at my side and asked if I was okay.

"I'm sorry Jean, I'm just…today's not a good day." I sent a sidelong glare towards a grinning George. Oh, the rat. He knew he got on my nerves. Ugh.

"Well, try to get it together. We only have so much time. Check out the northwest corner; I want your opinion on how to go about incorporating what's already there." She gestured vaguely before turning to something on her iPhone, probably something company related, I knew.

I gave her a nod, understanding what she wanted me to do, but wishing that I didn't have to. No one was over there, it was secluded, and it wasn't long after I started that direction that my personal stalker followed.

Hang consequences. I knew George was going to try something. I wasn't going to give him that chance. No, the first chance I got, I was going to give the prick a message he couldn't misinterpret.

Knowing this, when I got there, I dropped my satchel where I kept all the tools of my soon-to-be trade and wandered aimlessly around the area. I tapped my pen absently against my chin and occasionally made notes on the clipboard I had with me, as if I was detailing and assessing the scenery; I even made a few doodles to work from later, but my heart wasn't really in the work. Really, I was just waiting for the idiot to make his move so I could get him off my back.

Perhaps he'd learned something the first time, though. He didn't approach. Not yet. No, he just stood there watching me with a look that suddenly struck me as…randy. Why was the lech just begging for sexual harassment charges? I would never give him what he wanted.

"Continue looking at me like that and you'll find your butt in court." I finally announced.

He scoffed. "Not if you want to keep either one of your jobs."

I paused. The jerk had no clue these were side-jobs and I wouldn't be in too much of a tight spot to lose either one of them. Granted, losing my internship was not appealing, but I could get by.

I ground my teeth and turned towards him. "What do you want, George?" I forced out.

"You, babe." He leered at me, as if he felt he was getting close to his prize.

"First off, do not call me that. Second, I am not yours for the taking. Third, none of this is worth you. So kindly turn and walk away."

He scowled at me and came closer. "Why don't we hash this out like adults? You give me what I want and I don't write you up." His thinly-veiled insinuations were obvious as he advanced with a no-holds barred salaciousness.

I shifted my weight, sliding one foot forward into a defensive stance, preparing to kick the cad a nasty one where he'd not like at all when he got close enough, but I blinked as suddenly George was blindsided by someone else. The tussle went to the ground and was very short-lived, and was never in the blond's favour. My mouth dropped open as I recognised my tall, dark-haired protector.

There was a pained shout, the sickening sound of flesh hitting flesh once, twice, and George was no longer conscious. The prick had it coming to him, but the dark look on Elladan's face terrified me. And when, after wiping his bloodied hands on George's shirt with obvious disgust, he stood up and rounded on me, the absolutely outraged look he turned on me speared me through.

Hands fisted, jaw clenched, and eyes flashing fire, he crossed the distance between us so quickly I hadn't even processed he had until I found myself craning my neck back to stare up into his truculent face as he towered over me, and I almost stepped back out of raw terror at that virulent look. Before I could though, he leaned in, getting all up in my face, and hissed, "Never, ever let some lecherous lout get that close to you again, got it? Just take him down and be done with it."

I gulped as he lifted his hands towards my shoulders, fingers outstretched with a rigid tension. My heart hammered in my throat and I was frozen to the spot, petrified. His breath was a heavy and harsh, angry sound that filled my ears, offset by the roaring in them, and his furious eyes swept my face with a frightening intensity.

His hands hovered at my shoulders for a second, then he roughly seized me and drew me up closer, as if to violently give me a solid and staggering, terrifyingly forceful kiss.

I gasped a quiet, wordless cry, frightened and reckless all at once, and he abruptly shoved me away, physically pushing past me as he walked off. I stumbled back and turned after him, my heart trying to batter its way out of my chest.

"D-Dan!" I choked out in a strangled shout, and he suddenly broke into a dead run. He disappeared as precipitously as he had come without once looking back.

Confused, terrified tears were burning in my eyes and I bit back the sudden sob that jerked my thorax. I pressed the heels of my hands against my temples and closed my eyes, feeling two hot tears slide down my cheeks as I tried to deal with what had just happened. To be essentially come on to twice in as many days was emotionally difficult enough; whatever the heck Elladan had just done was too hard to assimilate, and the emotive high from it left me addled.

"What the hell is going on here?" an angry voice suddenly demanded from behind me and I gave a start, whipping around to see the surly figure of Gary Hiel.

"He…" I hiccupped, trying to explain.

The man dropped down beside his son and pressed two fingers to George's neck, searching for a pulse. Then he turned furious eyes on me. "What the hell did you do?"

"He…he…" I hiccupped uselessly again as the tears finally began rolling down my face. I was trembling so hard I shouldn't even be on my feet anymore and, as if noting this was some kind of key, my knees gave out and I stumbled to the ground. I clenched my violently shaking hands in the material of my skirt and jerked with a sob, then another. "He…he tried…tried to…"

"What's going on? What's wrong?" Jean came running up, breathless and wide-eyed as she took in the scene.

"Your bitch of an intern has attacked my son, again."

Now that just wasn't fair, but all I could do was utter a wordless cry.

"Why?" Jean demanded.

I raised a helpless hand. "He tried…he tried to…" Enough with this sobbing already. How was I ever going to explain myself? But I couldn't stop, and I'd never cried quite like this before, just so uncontrollably when I wasn't even speaking. Well, I was speaking, or trying to at least, but still.

Gary was pulling out a cellphone and muttering expletives and angry threats about what he was going to do to me over this. Jean sent him a harsh frown as she came over and dropped down beside me. "Alright, alright. Keliann, calm down and tell me what happened."

Calm down? Calm down? That cad kept trying to get himself all over me and I was so sick of men trying to force me into things I did not want and not caring what I wanted and my boyfriend had just done something -I wasn't even sure what- and he had looked so angry and so strange and he'd…I didn't even know.

Suddenly, I clued in that my mouth was running, hiccoughing its way through an explanation. "He keeps trying to come on to me and I told him I don't want that, and he won't leave me alone, and this is the second time he's come after me, and he cornered me, making threats about making me lose my job if I didn't agree, and I refuse to be touched by him so forgive me if I'm not exactly calm right now and excuse me for defending myself against the lecherous advances of a self-centered prick!"

I jumped to my feet, brushing Jean off and just running. What was wrong with people these days? Why did everyone side with that loose, disgusting pig? I paused only long enough to roughly snatch my satchel up before I flew blindly back to my car. I clawed around in my bag for my keys and my hands were shaking so much with fury and pain and confusion and all the terror of memories, past and present, that it took me three tries to actually press the button to unlock the door, because I kept dropping the dratted things.

I slammed my door and hit the lock, quickly buckling up and swiping at my face enough to clear my vision. Flushed, angry, and shaken, I turned the engine over and peeled out of there, not even caring that I was leaving this way and not even caring what it was going to cost me.

I wasn't going to let myself lose so much more just to keep a job or a nice résumé. I cared more about myself, my body, my virginity…my sanity…my peace of mind. No one was going to take from me the things I didn't want them to have; no one could steal from me what I won't let them take.

I blasted the heaviest music I had on my iPod all the way home, from stuff off of Skillet's Collide and some of their darker material on Awake and Alive, to Red's End of Silence, to Pillar's Confessions. Inwardly, I was a boiling, agitated, fraught mess the entire way, but I was composed and I was focused.

George Hiel was going to land his butt in jail, if I could manage it (I definitely wanted him to, at least). If not, I was going to get a restraining order and I'd find somewhere else to work, even somewhere else to intern, if I had to.

As for Elladan, there were times I just wanted him there so I could deck his face again, and demand he tell me what that back there had been. Other times, I just wanted him there to scream at and then collapse into and tell him that I hated this, hated feeling like this, hated the way men were, hated being objectified and itemized, and why couldn't it ever just be his hands, his advances, and warm, golden metal on my left hand's third finger?

But really, all I wanted was to be his and desirable to him instead of lecherous louts who can't respect women.

I slammed the car door and dashed to the relative safety of my house and it only took two tries to insert the key and unlock the door before I barreled inside and slammed that shut, too. I leaned back against the cool wood and tried to breathe, tried to calm down, tried to feel secure.

The alarm started blaring, making my heart start and race all over again. Stupid me, forgetting to shut it off. I keyed in the number and disarmed it, before locking my front door and dashing back to my room. There, I quickly changed, pulled on my baggiest pair of pants and a camisole top before I located a loose, BarlowGirl T-shirt and dug around at the back of my closet for a winter hoodie.

I snatched up the first hoodie I could find, a dark blue one that was large on me and satisfied my desire to cover myself up. Yanking it on, I threw the hood up, shut off the lights, and dove into my bed.

I curled up at the headboard, drew my knees up to my chest as if to hide any distinctively feminine curves that my baggy clothes didn't quite cover up, and wrapped my arms around them. I used my remote to turn on my stereo and I idly switched through the CDs in the player, seeing what was in there before settling on an old favourite, Michael W. Smith's 1998 Live the Life.

Before I could continue thinking, my phone started trying to vibrate off my nightstand.

Where are you? I gulped as I realised I had completely forgotten about lunch with Aragorn. I kicked myself for leaving him there waiting, and it only added to how awful I was feeling.

Sorry. Went home early; not feeling well. Lunch tomorrow, maybe?

There, now with that taken care of, I was about to toss my phone onto the bed when it began ringing. Estel my caller ID warned, and I took a deep breath before picking up.

"What's wrong?" was the first question out of Aragorn's mouth after I answered.

I paused, considering my answer. "Everything and nothing, I guess."

There was a pause, brief silence, then, "Do you need anything? Tea, food, company?"

"No, no. That's okay. I'm just going to rest and see if that helps." I frowned, not really wanting any company, but thankful for Aragorn's concern.

"It generally does," Aragorn gave a soft chuckle, then, "If you need anything, just let one of us know. We'll get it for you."

"I know. Thanks." I withheld a sigh, then we said goodbye and I hung up, tossing the phone away.

I shivered in the silence, the emptiness left behind. I laid down and pulled the covers up, not caring how bundled up I was, not caring that it was the middle of the day. I felt dirty and used and too many things were running through my mind.

Like the way Sorg held me down, his breath and hands all over my bare skin as he got my shirt open. Or Faeger, with his trying to psyche me out and perturb me with comments about Elladan, that were the reason I had taken to unconsciously avoiding the elf afterward. Comments about how the twin looked at me with a deep-seated hunger in his eyes that Faeger recognised, about how it was so obvious "he wants to get his hands all over you the way I am about to," and how the creep had done things that were, in some ways, worse than Sorg's assault had managed to get.

Like pressing me against the wall and rubbing himself against me, for one thing. Inching his fingers down into my pants for another. And if I had not have taken to wearing camisoles even all those years ago to completely cover myself, his hands up my shirt would literally have been all over me.

I screwed my eyes closed tightly and pulled the covers up to my face, wishing that, now, I could cry. Softly, I gave a dry sob or two, but for all the effort to actually just cry, I managed a tear, slow, so slowly, then another, but it only made my head ache worse and I swallowed tightly and gave it up.

I just let myself drift in and out of sleep or stare at the far wall and think for hours, letting the stereo work its way through the CDs in there. And even though I was bundled up so, I did not really ever feel myself get overheated.

It must have been the cold knot deep inside, chilling me from the inside out.