Chapter 14
It's a Sin to Kill a Mockingbird
Eric had been parked in front of their house for almost twenty minutes, just staring at the sandy brick and the light blue roof that matched the shutters. He was having difficulty believing this place was once a home of lovingness and joy, of laughs and smiles. Now it had morphed into a continuous holder of pain and isolation, of frowns and tears. He could remember the Eric from five years ago—their fifth wedding anniversary had come and gone, hardly acknowledged—who had had many fantasies and was naïve enough to believe there would only be good memories in this new home of theirs. He had originally thought the house would one day be full of children resembling himself and Calleigh, nothing but smiles being seen and laughs echoing off the walls. He had assumed that Calleigh's optimistic spirit would never dwindle and that they had by this point passed the phase of the two of them putting up walls. But now that perfect little fantasy of his had been demolished, slowly destroyed brick by brick and that only prolonged the agony Eric experienced by watching his world fall around him, until to stop it. But now was his chance, he hoped, to try to rebuild some of what had been brutally destroyed.
Finally, he opened his door to step out of his vehicle. His eyes had been so transfixed on the house, he had neglected to notice that a light sprinkle of rain had begun to fall from the sky; ironically appropriate for the unpleasant atmosphere that surrounded their lifestyle nowadays. Eric rushed to the door to avoid the rain, the size and speed of the drops quickly increasing.
Once the dryness of his house, Eric took a deep breath, making certain that he would be able to hold his composure, before heading down the hall. He stepped into their bedroom, seeing exactly what he expected. Calleigh was lying in bed, wrapped in a heap of blankets. She was now awake, but her eyes were dull and dead, slowly moving from the ceiling to Eric as he walked in. Eric noticed the daily paper on her bedside table with the Sudoku and most of the crossword completed; she had to have gotten out of bed at some point during the day and, for some odd reason, gave him more confidence to approach this subject yet again.
"Hey," he whispered to Calleigh, who have him a small smile in return. "Can I talk to you?" Eric asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Sure," she nodded, her voice barely audible.
Here we go again, Eric thought as he reached up to tuck some hair behind Calleigh's ear, testing the waters. She flinched slightly, however she didn't pull away from his touch entirely, her eyes just stopped meeting his and traveled to a place on the wall behind him.
"Cal, I-."
"You talked to Alexx, didn't you?" Calleigh asked, her voice monotone and distant, but her eyes strayed back to his face. "About everything."
Once again, he felt guilty; he had gone behind her back in an attempt to find help. And, once again, his intentions were good but his actions weren't exactly "appropriate."
Eric nodded and he tried to read Calleigh's reaction, but her expression was well constructed, a perfect poker face, and she wasn't allowing any emotion to seep through, leaving him unable to detect how she felt.
"And she is just as worried about you as I am," he said, softly, sliding his hand down to her shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. "Calleigh, I hate seeing you in this much pain and I want to help."
Still unable to look at him, Calleigh kept her eyes fixated on the wall and rolled her lips as the only visible sign she had heard him; internally, however, Calleigh winced at his words. Eric never seemed to want to give up on her, every day talking to her and still saying her loved her, now he was saying he hated seeing her like this and was willing to help, despite all of her previous reactions when the word "help" was brought up in the conversation. Other than comforting her, Eric had unknowingly and unintentionally gave her another reason to feel guilty, the exact opposite of his intentions.
"Alexx knows some people who can help us; they can try and help you feel better. But I only want you to go if you want to go, I don't want you to because you feel you have to go," he whispered, giving her hand a final squeeze. "Okay?"
"Okay," she breathed, her voice devoid of emotion and it sent another pang of agony through him. He slid off the bed and onto his knees, leveling himself with her head, making a point to meet her eyes. Eric had gazed into those beautiful green eyes so many times and seen a variety of emotions from happiness to pain, excitement, anger, sadness and, in this case, he saw emptiness. He had found it difficult to believe these were the same eyes he had looked into on their wedding night, those eyes had been full of liveliness and joy, her irises sparkling in the lighting and the corners of her eyes crinkling as she smiled. They had been the eyes he had hoped to look in to until the day he died, but the eyes looking back at him now had lost their liveliness and joy and Eric was willing to do anything to get it back.
"You know I'll support you, no matter what you decide," he said, softly, as he slid his hand to grasp hers; Calleigh's hand flinched a little when his skin first made contact, but then relaxed within his. "Just say you'll think about it."
Calleigh just looked at him for a moment, her expression unreadable before she slowly moved her head into a steady nod. Eric gave her the best smile he could muster—it was more of a grin than a smile, really—and leaned in to put a gentle kiss on her lips. He could sense her surprise, but she did, to his immense relief, put some return into the kiss before he leaned out.
"I love you," Eric breathed. "So much."
Calleigh's eyes had now fallen to the sheets, certain she would be able to keep her emotions at bay were she to continue to look into those gorgeous brown eyes of his, but she would able to mutter, "I love you, too."
Eric didn't want to overstay his welcome or risk saying the wrong thing and he lightly squeezed her fingers before getting to his feet and walking out the door. Calleigh's eyes followed him out, she had open her mouth to call him back, but something stopped her and her mouth closed. She wanted him in here with her, in this bed with his arms around her and his lips against hers. Calleigh missed that, she yearned for it, but something refused to let her have any form of happiness that her husband may have offered and she was left alone once again.
"I want you to stay and rest for at least ten minutes, then a nurse will bring in your discharge papers," Alexx said to a patient in the ER who had come in with dehydration after running a 5K race. He had been on IV fluids and now Alexx felt it was acceptable for him to leave; the patient gave Alexx a grateful smile as she walked away.
Eight days had passed since she had talked to Eric and he had yet to call. She had thought about calling him herself, but decided it was best to let Eric call her, let them handle this in their own time. She tried to push the thought of Eric not calling out of her mind as she grabbed another chart from the nurses' station when…
"Hey, Alexx," she heard Ryan say as made his way towards her in the ER.
Alexx turned around, giving him a smile as her eyes traveled up and down his person. "Well, I don't see any nails, so I'm guessing you are here for a case."
"I'm never going to live the nail down, am I?" Ryan asked with a sigh.
"No," Alexx shook her head with a cheeky grin. "But what can I do for you, baby?"
"Can you tell me where your Dean of Medicine is?"
"He's in the conference room. They're having a meeting about how a few of the doctor's here are constantly mixing up files, tests and giving their patient's the wrong diagnosis," Alexx sighed, shaking her head. "You can wait for him in his office, if you'd like."
"I may just have to give him my number and call me later," Ryan said, checking his watch.
"In a rush?" she asked.
"Yeah, Natalia has the flu, Horatio is at a meeting and Calleigh is still M.I.A and so Eric, Frank and I the only ones currently working and have to be at five places at once."
Alexx nodded her head in understanding, however her lack of surprise in Calleigh not being at work instantly made Ryan suspicious and he narrowed his eyes at her.
"What's going on with Calleigh?" he asked.
"How would I know?" she asked, coyly, as she filled out information on the chart, an excuse to not look Ryan in the eye.
He sighed and leaned against the counter; obviously able to notice Alexx knew more than she was letting on. "Look, I don't want to pry and I don't want to put you in an awkward spot, but is she okay? Eric doesn't tell us anything and we're all getting concerned," he explained. "She isn't normally one to skip so much work and people at the lab are starting to spread rumors."
"What kind of rumors?" Alexx asked, furrowing her eyebrows when she looked up at them.
"Well, one is that Eric and Calleigh secretly got divorced and she's back in Louisiana," he said, rolling his eyes.
Alexx scoffed. "We all know that's not true."
"Another is Calleigh went undercover without saying anything and Horatio and Eric are keeping it a secret. Some think she has a terminal illness," he looked Alexx square in the eye, "she doesn't have one does she?"
Alexx sighed in defeat, Ryan knew that she had information about Calleigh and there was no use denying it. "No, she doesn't."
Ryan let out a breath of relief; he seemed to have thought that this rumor had some potential for truth.
"You don't have to tell me exactly what's wrong with her. But is she okay?" he asked.
"She's Calleigh, of course she's okay," she said with a shrug. "She just has a lot on her mind."
He nodded in understanding. "Okay, thanks….Well, I gotta jet. I'll see you around."
Alexx smiled after him as he left the ER, still astounded by the gossip circulating in the lab. For a place swarmed with scientists dedicated to finding facts, they didn't seem to have a problem spouting off fictional theories about their own colleague. Alexx pushed the thought out of her mind and attempted to press on with her day, vowing to herself to call Eric herself if he didn't within the week.
Alexx, however, wasn't the only one with something haunting her mind; later that very afternoon a few towns over, Calleigh's mind was fighting its own battle. Calleigh had yet to awake any morning this week without something on her mind. She knew Eric wanted her to think about getting help, but that was the furthest thing from her mind, she was thinking about Eric. He had yet to give up on her and a part of her had believed he was just dealing with her, but he said he would support her, no matter her decision. But most importantly, Eric still loved her, something she had almost stopped believing. She wondered how he could still be in love with her, despite the tension, their inability to have a baby and how their situation had been the last several months. But none of that seemed to change the fact he loved her and that much was clear. However, something else was quite clear too; she had a choice. She could get up and get help or to stay in bed—to stay in pain. Calleigh realized she was sick, she had known for a while that what she was doing was unhealthy and needed to stop, but it wasn't that simple.
This bed had been the only stability she had had in the last few months. Here Calleigh could attempt to elude the terrors and pain of the outside world. Yes, her hurt remained no matter where she was, but in the bed she could stay secure, warm and safe; this was her sanctuary.
She couldn't believe she felt that way. Calleigh had always believed triumphing pain was one of her fortes; she could mask any hurt or weakness that haunted her. Now, however, she had fallen into a trench and she was unable to pull herself up. How long would it be until people started coming up with theories of where she was? Had they already assumed she was gone? She could hear them now: The once strong, independent, firearms expert Calleigh Duquesne vanished without warning to everyone's surprise.
Calleigh could prove them wrong; she overcame pain before, she could sure as hell do it again. Taking a shaking breath, Calleigh pushed herself up, breaking the magnetic force between herself and the bed. She pulled on her dressing gown and wrapped it tightly around her. She left the bedroom, her bare feet barely registering the coldness of the floor. Calleigh didn't look at the empty room—the one they had hoped to transform into a nursery—and kept her eyes ahead.
Eric was at the dining room table with the checkbook, receipts and bills in front of him. The whites of his eyes were bloodshot and were complimented by the dark circles under his eyes. Calleigh's heart thumped with guilt; she had been so engulfed in her own sadness that everything else fell on Eric's shoulders, and never once did he complain.
Calleigh sneaked into the kitchen, checking the amount of water in the kettle before switching it on, Eric yet to notice her presence; had he been that used to being alone? Had he grown so used to the lifestyle they were living that any sounds that could very well be another person moving were shrugged off because they just couldn't be real? Eric still didn't notice her as she made a cup of coffee or as she walked towards the dining room table. Only when she set the steaming mug by him did he finally look up.
At first, he looked slightly confused, as though this couldn't possibly be Calleigh he was seeing. The expression soon changed into pleasantly surprised and hopeful, hopeful that everything would now change; however, in his eyes Calleigh could tell he wasn't getting his hopes too high. Then Eric seemed to realize he was just staring up at her, not saying anything. He looked from her to the cup of coffee then back up to her, a smile grin tugging on his lips.
"Thanks," he said, praying his voice didn't sound too surprised.
Calleigh smiled back in reply, Eric noted how the smile didn't remain long, but it was a smile nonetheless. She took a seat beside him, yet to say anything, but it was a comfortable silence, the type the used to enjoy together when they would rest on the couch in each other's arms, the type he missed. Eric would occasionally turn his head in Calleigh's direction, just to glance at her for a moment before turning back to the bills.
"Need any help?" Calleigh asked, softly, as she placed her hand on top of Eric's. Her simple touch was anything but simple; this was the first time she had been the one to make any form of physical contact with him in months and it made his heart stop beating for a moment. An automatic smile came to his lips, her skin was just as soft and silky as he remembered and it still contrasted with his own, but simultaneously was able to beautifully blend.
"Um…no, thank you, I'm almost done," he grinned, turning his hand over to interlock his fingers with hers, giving them a gentle squeeze. In all honesty, he didn't give a damn about the bills; all he wanted was to savor this moment for as long as possible, everything may not have been normal, but at least it no longer felt like they were stuck in the pit of Hell.
"Okay," she nodded, staring at their hands and, for the first time in months, Calleigh felt a genuine smile touch her lips, the ache that remained in her body made it fall quickly, but it was there for at least a short while. Eric noticed the smile too and it was in that moment Calleigh silently told him that she was ready to try to get better, to move on…to try living again.