Esha Napoleon: There might be a few similarities. They would deny it of course. And yeah, Matt's so dead if he says the wrong thing to James. James don't play that game at all. EternalxInsanity: lol You're not the only one who's grown used to it. With that family, it seems to come with the territory. NeroAnne: I know! I just want to squeeze the both of them. Those cute little troublemakers… *shakes head* Jeff and Matt being added to the James/Mindy/Phil dinner equation is going to be quite interesting, I can guarantee that now.
…
"Why'd you retire?" Matt asked Mindy quite coldly from across the table, making Phil's spine twitch in all sorts of nasty ways and he really wanted to kill at the moment.
Jeff was seated next to James nervously since Mindy was in James's lap with one of his massive hands folded in hers as they picked at their food. They'd both ordered the same thing and were now feeding each other much to everyone's distaste.
Mindy pouted her lips a bit before dipping her fry in ketchup and munching on it.
"I didn't" she shrugged when Phil immediately stepped in for her so fast James's hate glare switched off of Matt and onto Phil. James knew Matt for a grand total of fifteen minutes and he despised him. Whatever he had against Mindy it was disgusting and making him more than eager to wring his neck.
"The release of her album's been suspended indefinitely" Phil retorted like any good librarian, "She'll put it out when she feels like it she's taking time to herself instead of spitting songs out and touring all over the god damn planet"
"No more" Mindy shook her head and held a finger up while dipping her spoon into the cheese of her French onion soup, "No more world tours ever again"
"So you say NOW" Phil reminded her gently with a point of his index finger, "Who knows what you'll say down the road, Spaghetti-monster, and-"
"Why are you wearing a tiara?" Jeff asked blindly while pointing at the top of Phil's head blindly. Phil blinked for a moment when James started sniggering loudly and Mindy pulled his head down to give him a happy kiss because he was just too adorable. Mindy had a prettier tiara on, Jeff noticed, "I gotta admit I'm a little jealous right now"
"Please…" Matt rolled his eyes and Mindy's brow furrowed angrily for Jeff, "that's all I need next. ..you cross-dressing"
"Dude!" Phil shot upright and shook his head at Matt, "I'm not a god damn fruit what the hell about 'her husband's a fuckin' psycho' don't you understand?"
"Damn straight, Princess!" James nodded curtly and narrowed his eyes at Matt, "Are you just jealous I've already found a whipping boy? Because I can always hold auditions for Princess Straightedge's understudy."
"Well" Mindy frowned despite Matt's fist clenching and she stroked James's chin before motioning to Jeff, "Jeffrey Nero practically lives with us-"
"NO!" Phil's sudden shout made all heads turn to him and the couple exchanged glances before snickering, "No! No! No! NO! Are you NUTS? You're putting the METHHEAD as my straightedge understudy?"
Jeff's head hung in a bit of a pout and Mindy reached over after wiping her oily hand (from the fries) on a napkin and held his.
"Well then who WOULD you like to take your place?" James offered with raised eyebrows, actually curious for an answer when Phil scowled and shook his head with his arms folded across his chest.
"My position's not available to understudies. There's nobody else with the willpower and intelligence to pull it off"
"The rest of us have nuts" Jeff nodded at his longtime rival before looking at a wide-eyed Mindy meekly and cringing, "Except you. You have a-"
"THANK you, Jeffrey Nero I think we have established I have massive boobs about twelve years ago" Mindy giggled and poked her tongue between her teeth.
"Hey!" Phil shouted when Jeff sighed and pointed to the tiara on Phil's head.
"You ARE wearing the crown…"
"HAH!" James was just eating this all up and Matt was rolling his eyes. What those four idiots found to be fucking hilarious to him was just annoying and repulsive. Mindy was flirting with three guys at once while his little brother was being insulted in a thousand ways by someone Matt wanted to just pummel.
"So I think you're kinda cute with short hair now, Meatball" Mindy nodded while reaching over the table and running her fingers through his short brown hair, which made his smile get so wide James was aiming a toothpick right at it.
"Really, Spaghetti?" Phil beamed and watched as she pulled an onion ring off his plate and started chewing on it before nodding.
"Yes, Meatball" she grinned and gently ran a hand down his cheek, making his heart thump out of his chest and everyone but Mindy knew it, "What do you think, Jeffrey Nero? Is his hair cuter short?"
Jeff gave his best long stare before wrinkling his nose and chewing his cheek, "I can still see his face."
"HEY!" Phil whined as James roared with laughter and smacked Jeff so hard on his back he almost choked on his chicken tender. "Sorry I don't shave like I'm auditioning for the Animorphs sequel and constantly have a glaze over my eyes like I woke up buried in hemp"
"Meatball!" Mindy gasped when James flicked the toothpick carelessly and Phil shrieked.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" he doubled over in pain holding his eye and nearly toppled Matt off the booth, which didn't go over well.
"Yo cut it the fuck out, man!" Matt grumbled and shoved Phil into the booth against the wall, which made the younger man yelp and James's foot nailed Matt right in the shin, "OW!"
"Hey!" James frowned and adjusted his grip on Mindy, "That's MY Princess!" he frowned and justified by slamming Phil into the wall himself, making Phil yelp even louder and curl into a ball from the pain. "Hands off the merchandise" he threw a fry at Phil and got it stuck between designs on the crown for good measure before nodding complacently, "Unless you have an insurance plan to replace him"
"Please" Matt rubbed his shin while shaking his head at James, "do you have ownership papers on him too?" he motioned to Phil, but that wasn't what made James see red, no…even Jeff's eyes widened worriedly and Phil stopped complaining…it was the insinuation that Mindy was some kind of dog.
"Dude!" Jeff's voice spiked and Phil physically shoved him off the bench.
"Fucking serious?" Phil stood up and James actually placed Mindy in Jeff's lap before practically falling over himself to get out of the booth, "Are you fucking serious right now, dick? Huh? You wanna fucking" he went to shove him when Matt was grabbed by the neck and literally slammed to a wall of the restaurant by James, making the younger man feel insanely small as James's eyes darkened tenfold and he growled.
"Wanna run your mouth again?"
"Jamie…!" off the booth she went and Mindy noticed the way James's hand was closing and immediately choking the life out of Matt in front of everyone. One of the waitresses went to call the police when Phil stood up and immediately explained how horrible it would look for Mindy Stratus to have her husband arrested for protecting her.
"I can't hear you, shithead" James hissed while using his forearm to choke the life out of Matt, "I asked you nicely if you want to run your mouth again?"
"Jamie!" Mindy tapped his elbow and shook her head worriedly, "No, please no"
"Why NOT?" James barked when Jeff linked arms with Mindy and tried to keep her a safe distance back, Jeff actually not mad at all considering the hell Matt had been putting him through lately.
He had no business here. He had no business talking about Mindy or treating Phil that way. In all fairness he didn't know who James was, but if he did he would know NEVER to go down this path with him. Of all the paths anyone could take, the Baby Doll one was just the biggest no-no in the history of worst things one could say to him.
"Because I asked you not to" she piped a bit and with greatest reluctance James released Matt's throat and ripped Mindy under his arm possessively. He didn't say a word, but he kissed Mindy's hand and headed back over towards the table with her, sitting down and cuddling her while watching Phil rejoin them and the two actually exchanged nods.
"I still dislike you" James reminded Phil before continuing eating, "And you have a fry in your crown, moron"
"What?" Phil frowned before Mindy giggled and leaned over the table, pulling the fry James threw at Phil from the crown and kissing the top of Phil's head before running a hand through his hair and eating the fry.
"Thanks, Meatball sub" Mindy gave him a loving smile before leaning forwards to give his head a kiss, "I love you." She took one of his hands in hers before craning her neck to James and the look she gave him told him everything he could have wanted to hear.
"Don't thank me" Phil squeezed her hand and shook his head at Matt, who was holding his throat and coughing while Jeff was obviously whispering words of pure hate at his older brother for causing a scene like that and not watching his mouth.
"Fucking serious?" Jeff snipped while motioning towards the table with his eyes, "Are you fucking serious, Matt?"
"I don't want you anywhere near that fucking family" Matt growled and shook his head at Jeff, "All three members of the Firefly family over there are fucking bad news, you understand me?" he warned his little brother with a finger in his face, "I'm so glad you're not fucking around with the rapist now I can't even begin to tell you"
Jeff made no response to that because he didn't care. Cooper was what he was.
"Why the hell are you getting involved with them? Seriously?" Matt motioned to the table where James took the cheese from Mindy's French onion soup and catapulted it with a spoon onto Phil's nose, making Mindy jump across the table and actually eat the cheese off Phil's nose as he freaked out from having it flung there in the first place.
"I do not think that was Kosher, Jamie" Mindy reminded him a bit wisely, "That may be why Meatballman did not eat it"
"Ohhh" Phil gave Mindy the finger and she giggled while sitting back in James's lap and stuck her tongue between her teeth, "Right here, Spaghetti" he nodded while holding his middle finger up higher when James nodded along with wide eyes.
"I think my dick was that long when I was twelve"
"HEY!" Phil's eyes widened and he covered his ears, completely scandalized, "Who said I was doing that? Who said I was EVER doin that? Why do I want to know that, James? Seriously? You're fucking disgusting! No one cares about your fucking prepubescent dick length!"
"I do!" Mindy chirped and James grinned while kissing her cheek and then her lips.
"I love you" James smirked as they kissed, knowing he was getting on Phil's nerves and loving it.
Phil was kind of an unofficial Lawson, so the way Matt was treating the official Lawson whipping boy wasn't settling at all with James, and though Mindy and Phil couldn't see James's eyes were fixed on Matt by the door the remainder of their time there.
…
"ALRIGHT, listen up!" Thorn slapped her Cinderella wand she got when Phil took her to Disneyland in Anaheim, California on an ornate wooden table and made Connor jump he was so startled sitting in the chair next to Oxa, who wore the authentic Cinderella costume Thorn wore for Halloween two years ago. Tryg was sitting with Snoopy in his lap on Scarlett's bed, quietly observing the lecture Connor was giving a bit satisfactorily.
Sure, he liked to annoy his sisters but that was his job as the baby brother. He didn't want Connor being mean to them because they disliked Cooper for hurting their mother.
"What if I don't wanna?" Connor instigated when Thorn growled and slapped his knuckles with her magic wand and it lit up upon making contact along with 'Bippity Boppity Boo' being sung from the wand. Tryg giggled and hugged Snoopy tighter while watching. "OW! That HURTS!"
"EX-actly!" Scarlett said while wearing James's fake reading glasses and one of his white button-down shirts with one of his dress ties over it. Her long blonde hair was tied in a studious ponytail via Amber and she held her chin awfully high, trying her best to make herself be as tall as she could. "That's why you're here!"
"I don't wanna be nice to you girls!" Connor yelled at them when Scarlett cleared her throat and snapped her neck to face her twin.
"Thorn" she said stiffly when the twin dressed as Ariel from the Little Mermaid slapped the light-up singing wand again and Connor shrieked.
"STOP IT! INDFIDELS!" he yelled at them when Scarlett reached up and pointed to a purple chalkboard which spelled 'MANARS' in bright pink chalk.
"Not until you learn to behave" she said snootily before continuing to pace about, "You've been acting like a big jerk and I don't like it! Daddy is protecting Mommy and US from the big bad rapist and YOU are breaking the law!"
Thorn nodded and exchanged glances with Tryg, who was dressed as Spiderman with the mask on and everything.
"You girls are the ones who are stupid listening to everything Daddy says-"
"HEY!" Scarlett shouted when Thorn swung the wand once more.
"OW!" Connor yelped and rubbed his knuckles as Scarlett set up a teapot and a stuffed gorilla with 'Daddy' written on a post-it note was sitting in a chair next to Connor.
"Now…" Scarlett tried once more and took a deep breath as Thorn poured the tea into the china cup, "Connor I would like you to pour Daddy some tea."
"Daddy?" Connor craned his neck and noticed Tryg's stuffed gorilla had 'Daddy' written on a note on it and Connor rolled his eyes, "Oh come on!"
"POUR IT!" Thorn went to whack him again when begrudgingly Connor lifted the pot and waited for Scarlett's cue.
"ASK Daddy if he would like some tea…" Scarlett gently ushered when Connor grumbled.
"Would you like some tea, Daddy?"
"WHAT?" Scarlett shouted in his ear and stamped her foot, "I can't hear you!"
"I SAID" Connor growled while looking at the gorilla, "Do you want tea?"
Tryg made a cone with his hands and replied in his normal raspy voice, "Yes."
"Good Tryggy" Scarlett beamed before making Thorn pour the cup for him and she giggled. Connor growled while starting to pour and Scarlett nodded satisfactorily, "Now ask Ambie if she would like some…"
There was a Barbie doll which was dressed an awful lot like Amber in the chair next to him and Connor punched it off the chair, making Scarlett, Thorn, and Tryg angry before slapping him repeatedly with magic wands and Tryg's glowing red lightsaber.
…
"Fuck…" Cooper ran a hand through his hair and cringed while wandering about the kitchen, staring at the cabinets as if food would just appear in them.
He had several items he could cook with and he did know how to cook alright, but only under Mindy's guidance. He watched Emeril and was able to make desserts at times without Mindy to surprise her but then again, it was cooking FOR her. He couldn't do a fucking thing in a kitchen without her. He couldn't do anything in general without her.
The concert tonight at Mohegan Sun had made Mindy unable to cook tonight and that meant Cooper had to fend for himself, which just sucked. He was too depressed to even feed himself without someone in the house eating with him. Even at his worst back in the day he'd eat around Connor, Jeff, or James, but now he was honestly fucking alone. The empty house was beyond disheartening for him as much as he liked to be by himself. He liked being alone if he knew someone else was around to at least go downstairs and see running around. Going from a house full of seven other children to completely nothing was beyond strange and frustrating to him.
There were no Webkinz stashed under his pillows, no play dough molded over his headphones, no parents hanging all over each other like lovestruck teenagers, no animals sprinting about or piano playing anywhere…it was depressing and made him highly uncomfortable.
Though mentally he didn't want to eat a thing, his stomach was killing him and he was beginning to feel a bit faint. When Mindy didn't come and feed him he decided to punish himself by not eating at all. She did feed him though, she fed him very well even though he didn't deserve it…he didn't deserve it but he wanted her to come over anyway. He wanted her to come and scream at him, hit him, push him, tell him how much she hated him. He had an unspeakable bond with his mother and it drove him insane not being with her even for thirty seconds.
He had to eat something, so he remembered how to cook spaghetti because Mindy had showed him how to do it at the point of nausea. It was the simplest thing to do in cooking and technically all he really had to do was boil water and he was golden. She would often make him boil the pasta while she went and cooked all the hard, complicated shit. He didn't know how to make sauce though, so he'd be stuck with fucking butter on his pasta like Chelsea would eat it.
A pot was put on the counter and Cooper took a deep breath while filling it about three-quarters of the way up with water, though he didn't remember if he was supposed to turn on the stove before or after he placed the pot down. On a whim he tried before and placed the pot down on the stove and the water droplets on the side fried up and made a sharp hissing sound.
"Shit!" he gasped and accidentally released the pot, causing a gust of flames from the stove to fly up because water was added before the rest of the pot came crashing down onto his foot, completely soaking his floor.
"Fuck…" he grabbed his foot and stared at the result of himself trying to learn to cook before running a hand through his hair and barring his teeth, trembling and turning off the stove immediately before trying to make himself clean up.
So much for eating. He took a deep breath and tossed the pot in the sink before grabbing paper towels to clean up his mess. He shivered and took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair even more before soaking up the water in his wet clothes and throwing the paper towels away, shaking his head at his own stupidity before wandering into his bedroom to peel his clothes off, lay on his bed, and curl into a ball he was such a fucking failure. That was a fucking message that he wasn't supposed to eat. Starving to death was a cruel death and he figured as long as Mindy wasn't forcing things down his throat he wouldn't eat anymore.
…
James and Mindy had brought their pet Princess Straightedge home with them actually on a leash. After he was sure the Hardy's had gone to their hotel and left them, James had gone to PetCo and bought a nice red leash for Phil since Mindy said that she always thought Phil was adorable in red. He also bought Phil a doggy bed and dog treats for when he was good.
"I'm so glad you let us keep my Meatball, Jamie" Mindy giggled while placing a kiss to Phil's cheek and running a hand over the top of the disgruntled man's head.
"Spaghetti!" Phil lamented while being tugged into the house by James from the leash, "This is torture! This isn't right!"
"Oh my god…" Tiffany covered a hand over her mouth from her spot in the kitchen on her laptop, "That is SO going on my Twitter!"
"Ohhh NO!" Phil whined when Tiffany snapped his picture and James happily placed the dog bed on the floor and forced Phil to sit in it, petting the top of his head before grabbing Mindy's butt and making her turn to face him in the middle of her conversation with Tiffany.
"Should I take him out before we go to bed, Baby Doll?" James furrowed his brow and unhooked the leash when Mindy pouted her lips and nodded much to Phil's horror.
"Spaghetti…" he panicked and shook his head, "no…!"
"Whatever you say, Baby Doll" he gave her a loving kiss before snuggling her and dragging Phil out of the house by his collar, "Let's go, Princess! If you piss on my kitchen tiles I'll have to redo the entire kitchen and call in the fumigation squad so my house is not contaminated"
"HEY!"
Mindy giggled and shook her head as Phil left the house with James and the women exchanged glances.
"So when's he getting you that hen?"
"When I teach him how to ride" Mindy replied with a bright smile, "We're gonna ride out to this farm that's got lots and lots a' chickens and I'ma get my fuzz-monster that I want!"
"Is he getting a coop?" Tiffany cringed before shrugging, "Or…?"
"No. He is going to live in my tropical paradise in the backyard with my lovely tropical birds"
"Their wings are all clipped, right?" Tiffany pouted her lips and Mindy nodded with wide eyes.
"Their wings are clipped and we have an electric strip on all their legs so they cannot leave the pool area"
"That is too cool" Tiffany giggled while looking out at a flamingo lounging near a shallow bird bath designed to look like a crazy mountain reflection pool, "Can I name him?"
"Sure" Mindy nodded, "I named the peacock"
"Ooo!" Tiffany giggled and smiled, waiting for Mindy's answer.
"Rotunda" Mindy nodded when Tiffany threw her head back and hugged Mindy's torso, completely dying she was laughing so hard.
"But it's a BOY!"
"He's a gay peacock" Mindy nodded while motioning to his tail, "Taste the mother fucking rainbow."
"I think it shits white" the complete point of what Mindy said clearly flew over her head and the raven-haired young woman slapped a palm to her face.
…
Once James brought the new pet back inside and made sure Phil stayed in the dog bed, he frowned once he noticed the empty house and started for the stairs to go up. But the door to his office swung open and he was ripped inside. The door was kicked shut behind him and Mindy jumped into the air while hooking her legs around his waist and slamming her lips to his, gliding her tongue in his willing mouth and grinding herself against him.
Immediately responding his hands found her body and roughly caressed her while rubbing between her legs and working her dress up over her head.
"Fuck, Jamie…" she sighed and worked on opening his jeans while they kissed, "I've been wanting to do this all fucking day"
"Me too" they kissed and he was hard enough to simply move his hips forwards and push inside her, making her gasp for air and hug under his arms as tightly as she could.
…
Hearing the heavy breathing from god knows what Phil scowled and shook his head at the sounds coming from James's office.
"Do let me guess…" he growled before deciding it was time for the straightedge puppy to be bad. Maybe it would make them stop.