Iruka waited until he heard the door close to get out of bed. It turned out that Kakashi went to the memorial every day at the crack of dawn, roughly half an hour before Iruka actually had to get up. If he had been nice, Iruka would have gotten up at the same time, prepared breakfast and perhaps seen him off; but since the jounin was Public Enemy Number One, Iruka always ignored him.

Today he was glad that he didn't have to face him at breakfast. Since their argument yesterday, Iruka was weary of having any sort of contact with him. Plus it hadn't helped that afterwards Kakashi had charged into his bedroom, his hair an interesting shade of blue, and given Iruka about 500 noogies while half-strangling him before getting tired and promising painful retributions.

He had to think of a plan, a good plan, to convince the silver-haired nin that he wasn't gay. He doodled a little on the copy of Make-Out Violence he found on the couch; though that was nowhere near getting even, it made him feel a tad better.

Later, stepping out into the sunlight, he decided that perhaps getting a girlfriend would be the most direct way of saying to the world I'm Not Gay!. The only problem was the girl part. Iruka had never been able to speak properly to any girl over fifteen, because by that age most of his students were chuunin at least.

Stopping to buy the lunch he'd forgotten to make, he noticed that the attendant was not that bad-looking. Her name tag declared her name to be Mai. Mai from the corner store. Better get it over with.

"So...uh...you make nice bento here..." Iruka wasn't even sure where to start. She looked to be eighteen at the very least, so at least he wouldn't make a mistake and get charged for asking out a minor.

"Yes, sir. Fish or rice?"

"Fish."

She seemed shy. Most guys found that cute, but that definitely was not going to help him. His lunch now packed in front of him, he knew he had to make a move now, or he would never gather up the courage.

"So...Mai...you work here...do you have Sundays free?"

They both blushed, but hers was more pronounced. Good grief! This is just like the beginning of one of those cheesy romance stories with endings worse than Icha Icha! Iruka started to wish he could abandon the plan. But he didn't have any other.

"Well, would you like to take a walk with me this Sunday? I know a really nice walk into the hills..."

She blushed even deeper. "That would be nice...but..."

Say no, Iruka found himself wishing she would say.

"I'm actually a man."

"Huh?"

Since when do men have long hair, wear kimono and apron?? Iruka had the urge to run away, but that wouldn't be polite.

"Huh..." His tongue was momentarily useless.

"We can still go if you want to..."

"No thanks, sorry!" Iruka did run away.

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All day he was rather distracted (though that didn't stop him from giving three detentions and extra homework) and by the end of the day his brain felt like it was melting. For a creative person, Iruka simply could not come up with ideas to solve his plight. So he was a little depressed when Ebisu suddenly walked in.

"Ohayou, Ebisu-san." Iruka was dispirited.

"Iruka-san! I have a subject to discuss with you of most importance! It is about the honoured grandson!"

"About Konohamaru?"

"Indeed so." Ebisu pushed his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose.
Iruka had given up pointing out that some people would find this gesture offensive since the jounin always used his middle finger. He looked at the man over, square face, lack of vest and all. Yeah, I'm definitely NOT attracted to the XY gender!

"WHAT are you teaching the boy??" The cry of indignation startled Iruka out of his reverie.
"What?"
"It's been twice this week he has done the Sexy Jutsu on me!! AND he tried the Ninja Harem! He didn't succeed on that though..."

"So are you complaining that he uses Naruto's stupid Jutsu, or that I didn't teach him the Kage Bunshin Jutsu well enough?" Hey, if I nosebleed at the Sexy Jutsu, does that prove that I'm straight?? The chuunin wondered if somehow he could make Konohamaru to do it on him without making it obvious and looking like a pervert.

"Both! What kind of teacher is it that lets student run amok doing and saying things that they don't understand and then doesn't teach them the stuff they DO need properly??"
"Excuse me, Ebisu, but I do think that you have been mentoring Konohamaru longer than me! Perhaps his poor learning skills can be blamed on a bad tutor?"
"It's not that I mind...but he does it in front of everyone!!"

Hang on a tick...if anybody's straight...it's Ebisu! He's even a pervert! An idea finally dawned on Iruka.
"Ebisu." He started, waving away whatever he was going to say next. "I know you have a, um, 'collection' of, ah, 'select works'."
"Nani...?"

"May I borrow an item from your personal library?"
The dark-glassed man looked offended. "My personal library? What do you mean?"
Iruka raised his eyebrows in what he hoped was a meaningful way.
"Go talk to Jiraiya if you want that kind of filth."
"Well...I'm just starting to look into those things, you know? Perhaps I should start with something toned-down."
"This conversation is absurd. I only wanted to ask you to discipline Konohamaru better so he doesn't embarrass me in public!"

Failed again, Iruka started to feel depressed again, and he slouched.
Suddenly, Ebisu pulled something out from his pouch.
"But..." He handed the chuunin a green paper-back book. "HERE. I've already read this one, you might as well have it."
Iruka took the book like it was a black-market smuggled item and quickly put it away in his vest.
"Thanks!" He added conspiratorially. "And...I'll give Konohamaru a good talking to for you, OK?"
"Say nothing of it. I MEAN IT. Don't tell anyone I gave you that." Then the jounin's expression softened a little. "That would be appreciated."

When he was sure he was alone, Iruka pulled out the little dirty book and started reading it. And learned a lot of brand new colourful and lewd language.

-------------------------------------------------------------

"You seem distracted today."

The tan man did not answer, partly because he didn't want to give away the real reason and partly because he was officially ignoring Kakashi since a certain incident that afternoon involving seaweed and tweezers.

Also, he was pondering how to use his new-found knowledge. Should he bring up the subject? Better not, that would seem like an invitation. He sighed and served the tempura. At that moment a knock came at the door.

Iruka went to answer it, grateful for the distraction. Behind the door Genma was smirking at him.

"Hey there, Iruka, Kakashi. I just rented this video and I thought that since I have a video set and you guys like this kind of stuff, we could watch it together since the kid's gone again. Ebisu told me you like this kind of stuff, Umino-san." He help up a tape that had three huge black X's on a red background, the title "No Shiri o Tataki" like a subtitle. Iruka could guess the rating without a lot of work. A huge "you put that filth in a bin and burn it" rant was about to issue form his mouth when he caught Kakashi eyeing him curiously.

Oh, no!! He's waiting to see my reaction! The chuunin stopped himself before saying anything, even though he already had half-raised an accusatory finger. Trying to save the situation for himself, he tried to be enthusiastic.

"Right on!! Just the stuff men like to watch, right Kakashi??"

The jounin just gave him a look and shrugged. Iruka wondered how long he would have to put up an act and how well he could do it. He found out soon after.

The plot was actually rather cheesy, the man was a candle artist (?) and she was the daughter of a rich businessman. Everything was rushed a bit to get to the part that gave the video its rating, making it even more confusing.
She's a bad actress, the chuunin thought, as he noted that her kisses were hardly more than plastering her lips uncomfortably to his for a few moments before breaking off and saying how they shouldn't do this. Even the way she took off her clothes was un-alluring, it seemed like she was getting undressed for a medical exam, not sex. At least the guy was sort of good-looking, like Fabio, but with shorter hair.

Then they started. Man this is bad, Iruka squirmed, but he knew Kakashi was there, so he did his best to pretend he was enjoying himself.
"Huh...wow!...this is getting to the good part!" How the hell was he supposed to react? Neither jounin answered him. Iruka started memorizing the buttons under the screen instead and hoped they wouldn't notice.

Now that's what I call a blush, Kakashi mused as the sounds issuing from the screen caused Iruka to turn three different shades of red. The silver-haired nin was trying to decide whether his companion was aroused or incredibly embarrassed. If he had to bet on one he would say the latter, but he still wasn't sure. For his part, Kakashi had already seen this one, so he knew what came next, and he didn't miss a lot watching Iruka become redder. He sometimes turned to see the screen though. Porn is porn.

Genma hooted, and the chuunin looked up to see if they were done. Far from it.
What the hell are they doing?? That's not even anatomically possible!! Iruka had the urge to cover his eyes in disgust.
"Ah...yes...no...!!" She was being noisy. When is the torture going to end??

Just when Iruka thought it couldn't get any worse, there was a momentary shot of full-frontal male nudity. His hands shot up to cover his nose, but it was too late. A gush of blood spurted from his nose, knocking him backwards and making him momentarily lose consciousness.

----------------------------------------------
While the dolphin washed his face in the bathroom, Genma was sort of apologizing, sort of making fun of him.
"Seriously, I thought most guys could take this sort of stuff, but I guess you are too innocent Umino, pfffft." He was trying rather hard not to laugh.

[The following paragraph has been left censored for comedy purposes
[Fill in the blanks at own pleasure

"Most of the guys can take this kind of filth??? It's disgusting, and it's not even anatomically possible!! First she -bleep- with his -bleep- and then she took the -bleep- and used it on herself! And then he uses the -bleep- to -bleep--bleep--bleep-. And they both -bleep- with the -bleep-! How is this supposed to be entertaining, let alone enjoyable?!?" Without realizing it, Iruka had used most of the words he had learned that afternoon, leaving Genma impressed.

"Yo, Iruka, watch the potty mouth." Kakashi had been watching all this with detached interest. "I think we better leave, Genma-kun, I'm hungry, and if my cook dies of nosebleed I will have to waste money on take-out."
"Yeah. I'll finish alone then."

Oh man, how will I ever get over this embarrassment? Iruka could feel one of his instant headaches coming on, and what was worse, this time it had been triggered by him own stupidity instead of by the stupid jounin.

Caught up in his own thoughts, he didn't notice how close Kakashi was until he was pinned to the wall.
Huh?

"What the hell are you doing, Iruka? This isn't like you. You've been acting weird all afternoon."
"Let go! And if you must know...you told me you thought I was gay yesterday so..."
Kakashi's grip tightened almost to the point of being painful.
"So you set out to prove me wrong, is that it?" Get your face away from mine! Iruka tried to squirm his way out.

"If I felt that way about you, I wouldn't have let you sleep with me that first night, stupid! Don't you understand?" He leaned even closer. "Accept the truth."

"Nooooo!" Panic overtook Iruka and without thinking he kicked Kakashi between the legs.
"Owwwww!!" The jounin doubled over and released Iruka, because there are some pains that even ninja training cannot prepare you for.
Meanwhile the panicked chuunin scrambled atop the couch. What the hell is he trying to do??

Kakashi turned around to glare at him with his most murderous glare. "You...I'm gonna kill you!!" He took off his shirt, because wrestling is easier without it.

Iruka misinterpreted the action, of course. Ahhh! He's gonna try to force himself on me!

"Get away! Don't touch me! Rapist!" He started throwing anything that wasn't too heavy or pinned down at his aggressor.
"What? Are you insane?? Why would I-- oomph!" Surprised by the onslaught of flying objects, Kakashi didn't predict that Iruka was going to hurl himself at him.
With the jounin under him, Iruka knew he only had a few seconds of advantage, because there was no way in hell he could keep the Sharingan Kakashi pinned down for too long with only his arms. So he got out a piece of rope.

Two seconds later Genma walked in.
"Hey Kakashi, I'm done with the video, if you wanna borrow--"
"Shut up!"
Genma looked up.

It took him a few seconds to register the scene in front of him. Stuff strewn around, shirtless (but still masked) Kakashi lying face-down on the couch, being tied by Iruka, who looked out of breath.

Nobody spoke.
The senbon nin closed the door.
------------------------------------------
"Did you hear?"
"What?"
"Those two are a couple."
"Nu-huh! Umino and Hatake?"
"Rumor has it that Genma saw Umino torturing Kakashi..."
"...with hardcore adult sex toys!"
"I've got one word for you: 'bondage'."

"Don't speak to me EVER again!!" As Iruka ran away from the flustered jounin, he wondered if his sexuality and his reputation would ever be the same again.