Chapter 13: The Princess and the Fire Lord
The sound of raindrops hitting against a window pane woke me from my slumber. Cracking my eyes open, I remembered that I hadn't fallen asleep in my room. The sky was still dark but beginning to lighten. It was almost dawn. I felt a chill go up my body as I realized that I was alone in bed.
Sitting up, I looked for Azula. She was seated in the chair I usually occupied, her golden eyes regarding me as a small smile played at her lips.
"What are you smiling at?" I asked, unable to keep the smile off my own face. She shrugged and said nothing, instead getting up from her chair to sit on the floor.
"Meditate with me," she finally said. Stretching as I rose from the bed, I sat cross-legged beside her. I spent several minutes focusing on my breath before going into my main meditation. After about a half hour, I brought myself back to the room.
Azula came out of her meditation at the same time. I noticed that her body temperature had increased slightly. I could feel the warmth radiating from her.
"That was the best meditation session I've had in months," I told her quietly. My meditations were usually more powerful when I was doing them with other people. Although, that probably had something to do with the kind of people I would meditate with—all high-level benders or warriors.
"Same here," she said, her voice also at a low volume. "Actually, that was the first time I was able to meditate for more than a few minutes since the day after the Boiling Rock incident," she admitted before extending her right arm in front of her body, and deepening her breath. Pooling her energy to her hand, Azula created a small flame in her palm—a red flame. I could tell she was focusing, maybe trying to make the flame bigger or maybe even make it burn blue.
Bringing my gaze from the flame to her face, I could see her expression change ever so slightly to a scowl before she extinguished the flame, clearly frustrated.
"What's wrong?"
"My bending. I focused all my breath and energy, and that measly red flame was all I could produce? I know I'm not that weak. It doesn't make any sense," she said, shaking her head.
"Hmm…" I wanted to tell her what happened to Zuko, but was hesitant after what happened last night. I decided to try anyway, since I doubted her panic attack really had to do with Zuko and had more to do with Ozai. "You know, a similar thing happened to Zuko."
"Oh?" she asked, her curiosity somewhat tempered by her resentment of Zuko.
"You'll have to ask him about it. All I know is that when he first tried to teach Aang firebending, his forms would only produce weak flames. But I wasn't with him when he learned the true art of firebending."
Her eyes narrowed at me for a moment before she gazed down at her lap. She knew what I was doing—trying to create a bridge between her and her brother that she would be willing to walk across. "I always did wonder how his skills seemed to greatly improve so suddenly after his defection."
A knock on the door interrupted our conversation as Zee entered, her expression quickly turning to one of surprise when she saw me sitting on the floor with Azula.
"Katara, what are you doing here so early?"
"I, uh, never left last night," I explained, blushing slightly, which earned me one of Azula's smirks. She really got a kick out it when I did that.
"I see," she said, her voice getting a little sterner. "You know, it's against hospital policy to stay overnight in a patient's room. That's why we have the guest house."
If looks could kill, Zee would have been dead on the spot after the look Azula gave her. Zee unconsciously took a step back.
"I'm sorry," I said, trying to defuse the situation. "I didn't mean to fall asleep. I stayed to comfort Azula after a panic attack."
Zee's expression to turned to one of concern as she took a seat on the floor, facing the two of us. "What happened?"
I waited for Azula to speak, but she lightly nudged me with her elbow, indicating that she wanted me to explain what happened to Zee.
"It seemed to come on suddenly. She started hyperventilating, sweating, trembling…"
"It felt like I was dying," Azula added, quietly.
"I assure you, you weren't dying. All of this sounds like symptoms of a panic attack. They are usually sudden periods of intense anxiety or fear. The onset is typically abrupt, and may have no obvious triggers, which is why it may have seemed as if it came on suddenly, Katara. It's actually a response commonly referred to as fight or flight that occurs out of context. This response floods the body with adrenaline that aids in defending itself from harm. It can be a terrifying experience for some people—it feels like they are having a heart attack or dying," she explained, obviously knowing Azula's need to know as much as possible about a given situation. "Princess Azula, you may have been thinking of a time when your fight or flight response should have kicked in, but maybe didn't. That could have been what triggered it."
"We were talking about my brother, Zuzu. I never felt threatened by him, so I don't see how thinking of him would have would have invoked a 'fight or flight' response," she said, almost sounding bored.
"Zuzu?" Zee asked, shocked that someone would refer to the Fire Lord as such.
"It's Azula's nickname for Zuko," I explained as Azula smiled smugly beside me.
"I see. Well, unless there's anything else, it's time for your bath, Princess Azula."
She nodded, as all three of us got to our feet. Turning to me, she asked, "Will I see you later?"
"Yes, I'll be back later this afternoon."
"Good morning, Katara," Ursa greeted me as I walked into the sitting room with my tea.
"Good morning," I replied with a tired smile.
"Where were you last night and this morning?" she asked, concerned.
"I ended up falling asleep while I was with Azula last night," I said sheepishly. "Then we spent the morning meditating before I had to leave. I did a little waterbending at the beach before I came back here."
"You care for her a great deal, don't you?"
"I do. I was hoping you could help Azula with something."
"Anything, Katara. You know that," she said with a soft smile.
"Zuko is coming here soon, and I told Azula about it yesterday. She didn't react too well. She resents him. I know that part of her resentment stems from jealousy, most of which comes from her perception that you protected and supported Zuko growing up and not her. But that's gotten a lot better since you came here. Still, she feels like Iroh and even her own friends chose Zuko over her." I could tell Ursa felt responsible for this, as a guilty expression crossed her face. "Can you help her to try and reconcile with Zuko?"
"I'll do my best. I would love to see my two children get along like they did when they were younger."
"Thank you."
"It's what I should be doing as a mother. I should be thanking you."
I decided that I wouldn't send a message delaying Zuko and let him come to Hing Wa Island as planned. I didn't know exactly when that would be because of all the meetings he had, but it would be soon. Azula had to face her brother sooner or later. It was going to have to be sooner, so I thought to at least try to get her to look at the resentment she held toward her brother a little more honestly.
After our regular waterbending session, I sat back, getting a little lost in thought.
"What are you thinking about, Katara?"
"Ba Sing Se," I replied simply.
"What about it?"
"About how you asked Zuko to join you after you imprisoned us both. Why the change in plans?"
"Well, at first I did exactly as my father told me to do, and I went to capture my brother and uncle as commanded. Several times throughout the Earth Kingdom I was close, but Uncle kept getting in the way. As much as I hate to admit it, his skill as a firebender is superior to mine, and he could always anticipate me so well. Obviously, I needed to go about it differently.
"When I was in Ba Sing Se, you actually afforded me with an opportunity that went beyond simply luring the Avatar to me. You told me exactly where I could find my brother and uncle, and I quickly figured out a much better way to accomplish my mission. Even though I wanted to be Fire Lord, if Zuko returned home in my father's good graces—while I, of course, continued to stay in them—then my father's attention wouldn't be on me so much…" she admitted, before she stopped speaking. Her brow furrowed as she sat in introspection.
No more words were coming. Some days were like this. The silence didn't bother me and Azula was often too caught up in her thoughts to notice the quiet. I would just stay nearby, waiting for her to come around again. Often when she did, she would ask me to tell her something about myself. She especially liked to hear about the art of waterbending, and would occasionally interrupt with observations of how the approach to certain firebending techniques was the same.
The commonality and differences between our elements and bending styles were symbolic of the commonality and differences between Azula and me. It was something we both enjoyed, and offered a nice break from the intensity that often came with healing.
But today, Azula wasn't looking for a break I realized, as I heard her sigh. "I shouldn't have tried to kill Zuko," she finally said. "In all the times I fought him, I never wanted to kill him until after the Day of Black Sun. Instead of being praised for foiling the attempts of the invasion force and keeping the Avatar from reaching my father, I was punished. All because of Zuko."
Two days later, Zuko arrived at Hing Wa Island. I was on the beach having just finished my waterbending when I saw the small airship come in. With some disappointment, I realized that probably meant Aang wasn't with him. Otherwise they would have come on Appa.
"It's good to see you, Katara," Zuko said as he pulled me into a warm hug.
"It's good to see you too, Zuko," I replied as we parted. "How is everything?"
"Busy. It was impossible for both Aang and I to be away at the same time. He's sorry he couldn't come. Can we meet up with my mother and then all go over together to see Azula?" he asked.
"Your mother is with Azula right now." He smiled at that and we began to walk toward the hospital. He dismissed his guards, preferring to go alone with me. "Before we go in to see her, there's something you need to know. Azula still harbors some resentment toward you. I don't know how she'll react to seeing you again. Your mother and I are both trying to get her to see that you don't deserve her resentment, and she is starting to come around a bit. But there are still some things she hasn't resolved."
"I don't understand," he sighed. "Why does she resent me? Because I'm Fire Lord and she's not?" I shook my head.
"I've come to realize that part of it has to do with jealousy."
"Jealousy? Azula is jealous of me? And not because I'm Fire Lord?"
"She was jealous of all the attention you received from your mother growing up, and how everyone except for your father seemed to favor you."
Zuko looked genuinely surprised.
"But that's only part of it, and to be honest, her jealousy of you has diminished greatly now that your mother has reunited with Azula. Now her resentment really has to do with just one thing… Do you remember when we were together in the catacombs of Ba Sing Se, before Iroh and Aang found us?"
"Yes, of course."
"What happened after I left with Aang? What did Azula say to you to make you decide to fight on her side?"
"She told me she needed me in order to defeat the Avatar, but it was just another one of her lies."
"I think there was always a thread of truth woven into her lies, Zuko."
He looked at me with a confused expression.
"She did need you, but not for the reason you think. She would have defeated Aang and I in the catacombs, even if you and Iroh had decided to join us that day. With the Dai Li on her side, eventually we still would have lost.
"Yes, she was preying on your desire to have your father restore your honor. To be loved by him. But why would she do that when she could have just as easily captured you and Iroh as prisoners?"
"I… I don't know. I never really thought about it. After the battle, I was so preoccupied with not having Aang to bring back to my father and having betrayed my uncle. Then once I returned home and discovered that Azula had told my father that I had been the one to kill Aang, I thought only of her ulterior motive for giving me the credit."
"Do you know what happened to Azula after your banishment?" I asked, suspecting that he did not.
"No," he admitted, his eyes growing a little wider with apprehension. "Shortly after I returned home with Azula, Mai asked me if my father ever used a fire whip on me. She was worried until I told her no. I didn't think anything of it at the time… but later on I suspected it had something to do with Azula, and that's part of why I asked Lazu to come here," he explained. "Katara, what happened to my sister?"
"I don't know everything that went on, but I have a good idea. She hasn't talked about it outright very much, and when she does, she sounds emotionally detached. The only times she seems to show any kind of emotion is when the conversation would shift to you, and before that, your mother. There was an enormous amount of pressure on her once you were banished. The fire whips aren't even the worst of it," I paused, taking a deep breath. I hated having to talk about this, but he needed to know—needed to understand. "He raped her, Zuko."
"He really is the worst father in the history of fathers," he spat out, disgusted.
"I couldn't agree more," I said sadly. "But I think Azula unconsciously blames you for the abuse your father inflicted upon her."
"What?" he asked incredulously.
"Things were always worse for her when you weren't around. There was more pressure on her to be the perfect princess. And with every moment of imperfection came punishment. It was after your banishment that he turned to harsher forms of physical abuse coupled with sexual abuse. You said you wondered why she gave you credit for defeating Aang. She believed that if Aang were still alive, the punishment she would receive would be far worse than any you would. Obviously, when you returned home with her from Ba Sing Se, things were better for Azula. But after your defection on the Day of Black Sun, the mistreatment started up again and was worse than ever.
"In light of your defection, your father blamed Azula for not only lying to him, but for misjudging you and allowing you to return home as a war hero. Azula saw this as an act of betrayal on your part—not just of the Fire Nation, but of her personally. I know that before this, anytime you two would fight, she never came after you with the intent to kill. But that all changed when she found out you were at the Boiling Rock. She blamed you for the way she was forced to suffer at the hands of your father and wanted to do anything to get back into his good graces." I could see that I hit a nerve with him. He knew what that was like.
"I know it sounds crazy. But try to think about it from her point of view. Your father was the most powerful person in the world. She couldn't go against him. You know that better than anybody."
"I understand," he said with a sigh. "I understand all too well, actually. For so long I had tried to restore my honor, to gain his love. I remember how angry I was and for how long. It's funny. Azula actually is the one that forced me to face my anger… to see who it was that I was so angry with. And I found that it was me."
"Maybe it's time you return the favor, Zuko. Azula still needs you, whether she realizes it or not."
Knocking on the door before entering, I made my way into Azula's room first with Zuko coming in behind me. Ursa was sitting on the other side of the room with Azula, both of them now looking toward the door. I watched the expression on Azula's face change from happiness at seeing me to apprehension when she realized who I was with.
"Hello, brother."
"Hello, Azula."
They stared at each other for several moments, the tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife. I discreetly moved away from Zuko and sat along the middle of the side wall away from everyone.
"And to what do I owe the honor of the Fire Lord's presence?" she asked. I could tell Ursa was trying not to say anything and let brother and sister settle it themselves, but she gave Azula a light squeeze on her shoulder as if to remind her of something.
"I wanted to see my sister," Zuko said softly. This was clearly not the response Azula expected. "I'd like to visit with you alone if that's okay."
She shook her head. "Anything you have to say to me can be said in front of mother and Katara," she said.
Nodding, Zuko took a seat before continuing. "I'm sorry I wasn't as perfect as Father wanted me to be. I'm sorry I had to leave the Fire Nation, whether by banishment or by choice. I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt by my mistakes or my decisions. But sometimes, you just can't fight destiny, no matter how much things seem to get in the way of it."
There was a spark of understanding in Azula's eyes then as she gazed at Zuko. Something unspoken passed between them. "You really mean that, don't you?" she asked, her apprehension fading away.
He nodded. "I'm sorry that you were hurt," he finished as tears began to well up in his eyes.
"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I tried to kill you. It wasn't your fault. It was mine," she said before breaking down in tears of her own, as Ursa wrapped her in her arms.