Today is for you

Chapter 14: What you could have had

"I love you."

I thought those words would paralyze me. Force me to look at him to see he was serious. Instead I continued to look away and just shouted.

"Didn't you hear me! I said I hate you! More than anyone in this world!"

Touya grabbed my shoulders and tried to make me face him.

"I don't care. Even if Sakura is the only one in your heart, at least know my feelings."

"I don't want to! I don't care about you or your annoying, stupid pedo feelings!" I shrugged his arms off roughly.

Cold silence. I continued to not look at him. I was scared to see his eyes, his face, his expression…I was scared that if I saw his serious, hurt, pained expression, and his features that are so similar to Sakura, I would be forced to accept his words. As long as I didn't look at him, I wouldn't have to believe him.

"All right." Touya finally said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to force my feelings onto you."

Why…why was I doing this…

I'm scared. Scared to know that his feelings are real. Scared to know what my feelings are…

"But you're being a coward, Tomoyo." He turned on the car and began driving.

Me? A coward? I wanted to feel angry with him, yell back saying that I wasn't!

But his silence was so frighteningly cold, distant, and painful that I felt like crying. Why couldn't I look at him? Was I going to regret this? I could turn to him now, but he was right. I was way too cowardly to do so.

But I can't cry. Not in front of him. I just looked away from him the whole time, trying to suppress the explosion about to burst inside of me.

When he reached my mansion, he stopped the car. As I was getting out, he gave me a few last words.

"If your mother asks, just say you were partying with Sakura over the end of testing. I can get Sakura to cover up for you. Goodbye." He didn't look at me.

I slammed the door shut and he accelerated away. I stood there for a moment, then immediately went inside my house.

Once I got into my room, I collapsed on my bed and stuffed my head into my pillow. When Sakura left me, I had felt so broken inside. This feeling can't be as bad as that time, right? I mean…I never really had any feelings towards him…

Yet my chest felt torn rather than shattered. Which was worse? This slow, painful, choking feeling...I hated it even more.

I had his jacket. I'd forgotten to return it, and he'd forgotten to ask for it. I threw it across the room, but then put it in the very back of my closet. Yet for the next two days, I found myself sometimes unconsciously making my way to that very back. That musky, sweaty smell…

No. Ignore it. And I walked out.

Monday. I dreaded the thought of school, but gritted my teeth and entered the classroom anyways. Touya's face had a small patch, but he grinned as lousily as ever. Girls gathered around him and asked him worriedly what had happened.

"Oh, remember that other cat? I was stupid enough to bug it again." He laughed and the other girls joined in.

He never looked at me once the whole day.

Even when he came to talk to Sakura and teased her, he simply ignored me.

Sakura looked at me and whispered quietly, "Recently my brother has been getting hurt a lot."

"Maybe he's just not meant to work at the vet shop." I answered indifferently.

"Hm, yeah seems so. He didn't come back Friday night until very late…wonder what happened."

I pretended to not hear and asked her a question on one of our reading assignments to divert her attention.

The days prodded on like so. We never looked at each other. I associated the slight pang in my chest whenever we brushed past each other or avoided eye contact when near each other with lack of sleep.

Even so, I needed to find a way to return that stupid jacket of his. It was beginning to become a nuisance. Because of his jacket his face continued to pop up in my head sometimes. Finally, I found an excuse to go to Sakura's house when she invited me over for a sleepover.

"We haven't had one in a long time!" Sakura clasped my hands in hers excitedly when I agreed.

I brought the jacket along with my other clothes, but when I entered the house I learned that Touya would be out until late.

"He said he's going to be working." Sakura shrugged as we made a small dinner together.

"So no dinner for him, right?" I tried to sound teasingly cheerful.

"Haha, yup. All for us!"

Strangely, the whole time I was with Sakura…I couldn't stop wondering about when he would come home. I tried to forget about him while we watched movies, played games, chatted and gossiped…but there was an emptiness and disappointment inside of me that I detested but couldn't get rid of.

Lights out and we whispered in the dark.

"I don't want to fall sleep," Sakura giggled as she held tightly onto my hand.

"How is…" I gulped, "Your relationship going?" My curiosity had gotten the better of me. I felt like retracting my question, but knew I couldn't.

Sakura squealed a little and began telling me all sorts of things I actually didn't want to hear. Strangely, as much as I was bothered with it, I was glad to be unhappy about something other than the stupid Touya and his jacket.

Sakura fell asleep. She always falls asleep quickly even when she tries not to. I smiled and closed my eyes, about to sleep as well.

Then I heard the door open downstairs and soft footsteps on the stairs. I glanced at the clock. 2 a.m. What had he been doing out so late?

I carefully brushed Sakura's hair out of her face and slipped my hand out of her grasp. She didn't notice as she was already in deep sleep. I put on my slippers, tiptoed to his room, put my ear against his door and listened…

Suddenly, his door swung open as I gasped and fell backwards. I stared wide-eyed while he glared down at me.

"What?" His voice was gruff and he smelled of alcohol.

"You drank this late at night?" There was no strength in my knees as I'd used all of it to make my voice sound as stable as possible.

"It's none of your business." He stepped past me and started going down the stairs.

After he reached the bottom and my legs had retrieved their strength, I returned to my suitcase and took out the jacket. Carefully, I pushed his door open and entered. I felt as though I were trespassing…but continued to walk to his bed, where I placed his jacket, and then turned to leave.

I thought I saw his figure at the doorway from the corner of my eye, but it disappeared and I left the room silently. When I closed Sakura's door, I heard him close his door as well. I crawled back into the bed but held my chest tightly, afraid to let Sakura sense my erratic heartbeat.

Wasn't I relieved that we hadn't talked much? That he hadn't confronted me? Or was I…disappointed?

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but my thumping heart wouldn't let me. He was just a room away yet we had become so distant. Wasn't that what I had wanted? I grit my teeth and forced myself to drift into dark unconsciousness.

But I didn't know that he later entered the room and carefully caressed my face...

an: hurro! back from vacation and iz guud to b back! thank you all for bearing with me,,, and esp you who commented! ;) i promise to get the exciting new chappie up soon! iz got new players coming to the forefront of the play... kukuku...

oh yeah, and poor stupid tomoyo, i would have unbuckled touya's pants by now. cough i mean... ahem... that isn't what you think it means, really! dunt look at me that way! hides in embarrassment...