Chapter 14 – Learning to forgive
"Fu Da Ren jia dao!" announced the guards at the door as soon as Fu Lun arrived at Jing Yang Gong.
"Ah! Fu Lun, you're here! Zi Wei and Er Kang are here too!" said Qian Long walking out of the bedroom.
"Huang Shang ji xiang!" greeted Fu Lun. "Huang Shang, would you mind me asking, why is everyone in Huan Zhu Ge Ge's bedroom?"
Qian Long laughed merrily! "Fu Lun, it's not like you do not know about Xiao Yan Zi's reluctance towards bed rest!"
"Then I see that Huan Zhu Ge Ge has made a full recovery!" exclaimed Fu Lun as Qian Long nodded with a smile beaming upon his face.
"Ah Ma! What are you doing here!" asked Er Kang as he stepped out of the bedroom. "There's nothing urgent is there?"
"I just received some information that requires your majesty's attention," requested Fu Lun to Qian Long, "it concerns Zhang Li Ming."
Qian Long's brow knitted at the name. "Fu Lun, can it wait?" he asked.
Fu Lun nodded, "I shall consult your majesty again tonight! Gao Ci Huang Shang!" he said with a bow before exiting.
Qian Long watched Fu Lun exit with mixed feelings. He didn't really want to think about Zhang Li Ming ever again, but he had to, it was something he had to do despite his entire heart telling him to forget about it. 'How can someone so horrible bore something so innocent' he thought to himself…besides their looks, he could find nothing Xiao Yan Zi had inside that was like Zhang. Then Qian Long remembered his beloved Queen and smiled, he understood now.
"Huang Shang?" asked Er Kang seeing the emperor lost in thought. Qian Long finally looked away from the door.
"Er Kang, go to my study and in my desk drawer there should be a small box, can you fetch it?" ordered Qian Long.
"Yes my majesty!" replied Er Kang before heading off.
It didn't take long for Er Kang to return with the box. Walking into the bedroom he saw Zi Wei laughing merrily beside Xiao Yan Zi, who was pouting cheekily. Er Kang smiled to himself; he hadn't seen Zi Wei laugh like this ever since she suffered the miscarriage. 'That Xiao Yan Zi…she has a way!' he thought contently.
"Er Kang! Where did you go, leaving your wife all alone!" scolded Xiao Yan Zi as soon as she saw him.
"Me leaving her all alone? I thought I was leaving her with her greatly skilled martial artist sister! Hang on…I forgot! It's actually her "Mi Hu Gong Fu Xia Nu Jie Jie" (muddled kung fu artist sister)! Zi Wei! Are you alright?" joked Er Kang.
"Huang Ah Ma! Yong Qi! Er Kang is bullying me!" complained Xiao Yan Zi as everyone else laughed. "Hey! No fair, you're all bullying me!"
"Alright! Alright! We won't laugh at you anymore," reassured Yong Qi giving her a hug.
"Yong Qi! We're in public!" whispered Xiao Yan Zi loudly, punching him on his head.
"Owww!" exclaimed Yong Qi, rubbing his head as the others giggled.
Qian Long looked towards Er Kang, who nodded to signify that he had brought the box. Nodding back to acknowledge Er Kang, Qian Long proceeded to make his way towards Xiao Yan Zi's bedside.
"Xiao Yan Zi…" he started, but paused in a lost for words.
"Huang Ah Ma?" asked Xiao Yan Zi back in response. Looking into her round innocent eyes waiting in anticipation, Qian Long decided to continue. He owed it to his late empress, and he owed it to Xiao Yan Zi.
"I have a letter that's for you…it's from your mother," he said slowly. At once Yong Qi looked in shock at his father. "It'll be aright Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi needs to know the truth," reassured Qian Long. He stared into Xiao Yan Zi's eyes, which were now filled with curiosity mixed with a slight unwillingness. Qian Long acknowledged with irony how he was able to pick up Xiao Yan Zi's every emotion through her large expressive eyes. He had never noticed it before previously, but now knowing her past, knowing that she was once Zhen Zhen, he felt their bond strengthened, and his understanding of her much better, even though no one could truly say they entirely understood what went on inside that head of hers!
"Did…did Er Niang really write a letter…for me?" she asked with uncertainty. Qian Long nodded firmly. "Then…then I guess I should hear it…" she answered, biting on her own lip firmly.
"Just remember, we love you, and nothing is going to ever change that," said Yong Qi, before gripping one of Xiao Yan Zi's hands comfortingly into his own. Zi Wei took her other hand and did the same, smiling reassuringly.
Slowly Qian Long opened the box and took out the withered, tearstained sheet.
To my beloved daughter…
As Qian Long continued to read the words of the late empress, Yong Qi felt Xiao Yan Zi beginning to slightly tremble, her grip on his hand tightening harder and harder. When Qian Long reached the part where the empress retold the night Xiao Yan Zi was conceived, a tear escaped Xiao Yan Zi's eye. Pulling her into his arms, Yong Qi hugged her tightly, stroking her back with tenderness until he felt her calm down again.
Remember my dear Zhen Zhen, you are always in my heart.
With love, Huang Er Niang.
Qian Long looked up from the letter as soon as he finished to catch his daughter's reaction. To his surprise, Xiao Yan Zi was smiling happily to herself.
"Ai Xin Jue Luo Xue Zhen…Zhen Zhen…" she repeated over to herself. Qian Long reached out to gently stroke her cheek.
"Yes, Zhen Zhen," he told her firmly as he allowed his fingers to rest upon her shoulder.
"I have a name…Xue Zhen…I have a last name…Ai Xin Jue Luo…I have a birthday…December 30th…I have an Er Niang…my Er Niang was an Empress…I…my…" Xiao Yan Zi paused, biting her lip slightly as tears began to brim the corners of her eyes.
"What's wrong?" asked Yong Qi at once.
"My…my…I…Ah Ma…" managed Xiao Yan Zi before a tear fell down. Everyone remained silent for a moment, unsure of what to say. Finally it was Qian Long who spoke up.
"You have a father…I am your Ah Ma."
Father and Daughter, their eyes met and a long peaceful silence followed…
Suddenly Xiao Yan Zi leapt up to everyone's surprise and threw her arms around Qian Long.
"Huang Ah Ma! You're so good to me! Waahhh…" she sobbed gleefully.
Qian Long felt a surge of warmth fill his heart as he wrapped his arms back around her slender frame.
'Do not worry my beloved Xiao Xien Empress, she is safe with me now, our Zhen Zhen is back once again, safe and sound' he thought to his Queen, his first love.
"Did Er Niang have other children?" asked Xiao Yan Zi as she pulled away to wipe her tears with the back of her hands. Her thoughts had moved on to Xiao Jian and she was afraid that she no longer had any brothers and sisters. She still didn't know how to face Xiao Jian anymore now.
"Of course she did! You have two Ge Ges (elder brothers), Da Ah Ge (eldest prince) and San Ah Ge (third prince). Unfortunately they've both gone on missions at the moment and are not due to return until next year," answered Qian Long.
"And you have one Jie Jie (elder sister), Da Ge Ge (eldest princess)!" announced Yong Qi, "she's been married off, and lives with her husband just a little way out of Beijing. We can definitely go and visit her someday!"
Xiao Yan Zi's eyes widened at the news that she had not one sibling, but another three!
"Can we visit her tomorrow?" she asked at once.
"So anxious?" laughed Qian Long. "You can go and visit her after you finish Tai Yi's prescribed bed rest!"
Xiao Yan Zi pouted slightly at the mention of bed rest, but the pout quickly disappeared as she digested all the exciting news she had been receiving this morning.
"Guess What! I have an Er Niang, a Huang Ah Ma, A Jie Jie, two Ge Ges, and a Mei Mei!" she announced gleefully, looking at Zi Wei! "Now all I need is a Di Di (little brother)!"
"Who says you have a mei mei?" asked Zi Wei teasingly.
"Zi Wei…but…" muddled Xiao Yan Zi, suddenly she widened her eyes, "Zi Wei, are you still angry over…the…the miscarriage?" said Xiao Yan Zi disappearing off to a whisper. Zi Wei felt a stab of pain as the miscarriage was mentioned, but she calmed herself.
"I told you before Xiao Yan Zi…it wasn't your fault!" she reassured her sister…
"But the baby…"
"It hurts my heart, it does…but it's getting better! Er Kang and I are not giving up!"
Xiao Yan Zi looked up and went beetroot red at the thought of baby making, especially at the thought of Zi Wei and Er Kang baby making! Zi Wei giggled at her reaction and looked sympathetically towards her brother who was at the time pretending to stare into the ceiling. Recovering from her embarrassment, Xiao Yan Zi spoke up again.
"The why don't you want to be my sister?" she demanded pouting cutely.
"I am your sister Xiao Yan Zi! It's just that it's very clearly stated on the letter, you were born on December the 30th, Ren Rong year, which officially means I was born five months before you were! How can I be your mei mei (younger sister) my dear mei mei?" teased Zi Wei playfully.
"But…but…" tried Xiao Yan Zi, not finding a good rebuttal. "I'm jie jie (elder sister)!" she ended up demanding instead.
Everyone shook their head and laughed at her stubbornness.
"Jie Jie Mei Mei, there's not much of a difference! You're had your turn to be jie jie, now it's Zi Wei's turn! How can you hog the role all to yourself?" scolded Qian Long teasingly.
"Alright then…I guess I can be Zi Wei's mei mei. Yay! I have two jie jie's!"
Everyone just laughed heartedly!
Qian Long slowly walked the last steps to his own palace. He felt reluctant to leave the happiness in Jing Yang Gong, knowing he had to return to hear Zhang's news. However as an emperor, he understood very well the word duty, and it was his duty to his Queen that this investigation took place.
"Huang Shang ji xiang," greeted Fu Lun as soon as Qian Long stepped through the door. Qian Long merely nodded in reply, ready to get straight to business.
"Huang Shang," offered Fu Lun holding up a scroll. Gingerly, Qian Long lifted it into his hands and opened it.
Second month 16th Zhang Li Ming to be betrothed to lady Zhao Su Su.
Second month 14th Zhao Su Su pronounced dead by suicide attempt.
"What is the meaning of this?" asked Qian Long to Fu Lun.
"Huang Shang, Zhao Su Su was the late daughter of a very high ranking official. At the time, Zhang should have just passed the national exams. Being engaged and ready to marry into such a noble family, he would have been given more wealth than he had ever dreamt of. However, the wedding never happened, Zhao Su Su committed suicide the day before. At first we thought maybe Zhao Su Su was reluctant to be tied down to marriage, therefore ending her way, but witnesses all say that the wedding was the couple's request. Zhao Su Su's father was very reluctant to allow her to marry a lowly ranked Da Ren, but Su Su refused everyone else…why Zhao Su Su would commit suicide remains a mystery…" Fu Lun paused to allow the emperor to digest the information. After being near Qian Long for so long, he understood the speed the emperor worked at, and the method he worked in. After a moment Qian Long nodded.
"Continue,"
"During the investigating, we also found that the night of Zhao Su Su's death was the night the results of the national exams were announced…Zhang's results would have been with the lot. It could very well have been coincidence, but what we're proposing is that something happened that night, something I'm sure Zhang is still very aware of, though to find out more we must interview him in person. He should provide some answers if we mention the name Zhao Su Su to him…"
Qian Long absorbed the information, all the while questioning himself. Did he really want to find out this man's history? Would it be easier just to send him to hell? No, he needed to find out, for Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Xien his queen.
"Bring him into court for questioning tomorrow…I shall be residing now."
Yong Qi slipped eagerly into the covers beside Xiao Yan Zi. The day been so perfect, and so laughter filled, that he was exhausted now, just hungering for much needed rest. Xiao Yan Zi was tucked up already, but wore an unexpected worried look upon her face.
"What's wrong?" questioned Yong Qi gently seeing his wife's expression.
Xiao Yan Zi bit her lip for a while, as if pondering whether it was more important to keep her pride, or to just tell Yong Qi her weakness.
"I'm scared…" she whispered finally, deciding to put aside the brave face for a moment. Yong Qi wrapped his arms around her in a cuddle and held her inches away from his lips so she could feel his breath lightly brush against her forehead. From this distance he could smell the sweetness arising from her soft locks of hair…a concoction of the best aromatic flowers in the palace.
"What if I see…I mean…what if it happens again…in my dreams I mean…I…I don't want to," she stammered, biting her lip to hold back her tears.
"Shhh…" reassured Yong Qi, "I'll be here by your side…always remember that."
"You promise?"
Yong Qi planted a kiss onto her forehead, making Xiao Yan Zi blush. Despite being married, she was still flushed by these signs of affection from her husband! Without a word, Yong Qi reached over to blow out the fire lamp before pulling him wife in close within his embrace. Xiao Yan Zi snuggled herself comfortably against her husband, feeling safe within the strong arms.
"Yong Qi?" she spoke up again, this time hesitantly.
"Hmm?" he answered, beckoning her to carry on.
"Did…did you know my mother? What was she like?"
Releasing Xiao Yan Zi from his arms slightly to study her face under the dim moonlight, Yong Qi smiled contently. He was amazed at himself for never realising before how much her eyes looked liked Xiao Xien Huang Hou's, kind…innocent…loving…
"Your mother…she was the most loving woman I had ever known. Growing up in the palace, I witnessed a lot of jealously between Huang Ah Ma's wives, and also their children…but your mother was different, she loved all the Ah Ges and Ge Ges as if they were her own children! You being her true child were of course the biggest spoilt brat…"
"WAS NOT! Yong Qi! That's a horrible thing to say!" retaliated Xiao Yan Zi immediately, pummelling her husband in the chest.
"Okay, okay! I was just joking!" laughed Yong Qi, hugging her tightly so she could no longer deliver punches to his chest. "Anyways, do you want to find out more about Xiao Xien Empress?"
Xiao Yan Zi immediately stopped her attack. "Speak!" she ordered her husband instead.
"Well…" started Yong Qi, before continuing to relive his happy memories of Huang Er Niang. His own mother had died when he was too young to remember, so in Yong Qi's heart, Xiao Xien Empress was the only person he had ever called "Mother" in his childhood. It was funny how Xiao Yan Zi and he shared the same "parents" in their hearts! Xiao Yan Zi listened contently, her mind taking her to her dreams, to a mother's love she no longer remembers, but exists genuinely deep in her heart.
Zhang Li Ming knelt before Qian Long wearing no hint of expression upon his face. Zhang knew his end was near no matter what he said or did…so he did not care. Looking at Zhang Li Ming's indifference, the most Qian Long could do was to stop himself from physically strangling the man. What he did to his wife, what he tried to do to Xiao Yan Zi, and seeing Zhang calmly kneeling before himself, not a hint of guilt on his face, nor repentance or even fright, was more than enough for Qian Long to bear…but he beared the anger, he withheld his instincts and listened to his logical mind.
"You understand, I can easily order your death right this minute," started Qian Long, stating his own authority. Zhang remained silent, unmoving, unfeeling. Qian Long continued, "The reason you are still here, is because I can not find logic to your acts…why would a decent man with an honourable career commit such horrors?"
Again, Zhang spoke silence. Qian Long drew in his breath and slowly released it again. He nodded to Er Kang to begin the questioning.
"Zhao Su Su was your fiancée I believe?" asked Er Kang, cutting to the chase. This time Zhang no longer was able to contain his emotions as he looked up startled and shocked. Both emperor and hong ren (person of importance, Er Kang) smiled at the small victory.
"Your wedding was about to occur on the 16th of the second month…but she died on the 14th of the second month, the day the exam results were released, yours included I believe…not bad results either, top of your year."
"What is your point?" spoke up Zhang, the first words he had spoken all day.
"The relating dates are a bit of a coincidence don't you think? Zhao Su Su…she was the daughter of a noble family was she not? Had a bit of a reputation with the men…" Er Kang continued to tease. Zhang kept his mouth clamped shut once more.
"You know what I think? I think that Miss Zhao expected you to be out all night celebrating your results. I think she took it as her last chance to seduce before she was tied down by marriage, and I think you as a very decent man went to find your fiancée instead of the celebrations with friends, only to find your love with another" Er Kang paused and sneaked a look at Zhang Da Ren's expression. Seeing the man breathing deeply and shaking his head from side to side, he gained satisfaction and continued…"you left Su Su that night…and Su Su knowing her reputation was lost chose to end her own life…"
"IT'S NOT TRUE! It's all lies…Su Su would never do anything like that, she wouldn't!" yelled Zhang Da Ren cutting off Er Kang. Tears were streaming down his cheeks in torrents, and the calm, collected man that previously knelt there was gone. "I loved Su Su…and she loved me back…but…"
Qian Long and Er Kang kept silent, waiting patiently for the confession. However, Zhang stopped.
"We can find no other reason for Zhao Su Su's abrupt suicide " said Er Kang quietly, a tactic he had been trained to use when needing to lead others into confession. Zhang's soft point had been reached and it was vital to keep him talking before he regained his composure. "If that's not the case, don't you think it's your duty as a lover to set the facts right…to regain her reputation. What we just assumed did not come out of our heads, it's a rumour that has been passing through your previous neighbours and acquaintances for years…is it not time to set things straight? What did happen that night Zhao Su Su died?"
Zhang Li Ming closed him eyes and took in a deep breath. All the emotions he had learnt to suppress had been lifted out, all the memories he had forgotten has returned…the pain, the reality…all back. It was time, time the truth was revealed, time justice was returned to Su Su, and time he paid for his wrong doings.
"It was meant to be day of celebration, I just received my excellent results, and I was about to be married to the woman of my dreams. I went the rounds, we went to every friend's house to celebrate…and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to succumb to the mind altering effects of wine. I didn't drink very much, only a toast or two…however, I was not prepared, and soon I found my mind a whirl of fog…I did not know what I did, how I wondered to Su Su's place, how I sneaked into Su Su's room…and how I…I…raped her," finished Zhang in a whisper. Seeing the stern faces of Qian Long and Er Kang as he looked up, he realised what a monster he had became, and he understood why they would not feel compassion for a man such as himself…he was hideous to even himself…woman after woman, ruining all their lives, ending countless others, and even an attempt on his own daughter…his own flesh and blood. "Su Su died that night…she couldn't see herself living past the experience, after what I had done, her reputation gone, everything we had, it was gone. She no longer felt safe around me, she no longer wanted to wed me…and I no longer wanted to put her through the ordeal either. However, the wedding had been announced, and there was no way out without rumours and reputation lost…Su Su chose to end it all instead…I think in a way, I killed her…the woman I loved with all my heart, I killed her."
"After that? What about the Empress? And the countless others we've been hearing about as we investigated your story…" inquired Er Kang.
"I was devastated, I hated myself, hated what I did to Su Su, but I wanted to justify it. It's my nature; I feel the need to justify. So I started my habit…raping women. At the time I wasn't thinking straight…it just seemed like the more I did it, the less of an awful thing it was…my heart was slowly growing cold, and I was feeling less and less of the guilt. Many years later…it became my source of pleasure…I committed the crime to anyone who fancied my eye…poor peasants, rich daughters…the empress…I learnt a method of seduction, earning the woman's trust before I committed my act…It was disgusting, I hated myself for it, but it was an addiction…"
"Your own daughter…your own daughter?" scolded Qian Long, hands gripping the sides of his robes tightly to hold back his anger.
"I understand there is no excuse…I do not know what to do anymore…Huang Shang, I have a wish, I wish for my life to end. Please Huang Shang…the tears and blood of the many women keep haunting my heart, and I no longer can even live with myself…" begged Zhang Li Ming.
"You think that's it…you can just leave this life? The lives you ruined the bloodshed you caused?"
"There is no way to repay…if there was a way, I will do it immediately. I can only beg that you allow me to pass, and give them rest knowing I am gone from this world."
"I am reluctant to grant your wish…a person like you deserves much worse, much much worse. However, I shall not be the one who decides your fate…that right I believe, should go to Xiao Yan Zi," with that Qian Long adjourned the court.
"Huang Shang Ji Xiang! Huang Shang jia dao!" announced Xiao Deng Zi hurriedly as Qian Long entered Jing Yang Gong. Seeing the eunuch in such a panic aroused suspicion in Qian Long's mind immediately as he rushed inside.
"Xiao Yan Zi? Where are you?" yelled the emperor as he took large strides into the small front garden only to be greeted by an entourage of servants all toppling over, half in surprised, the other half in fear as they hurriedly stammered "Huang Shang ji xiang." Seeing them sneaking glances up the tree as they spoke, Qian Long too rolled his eyes curiously up the tree, only to see none other than Xiao Yan Zi balancing precariously on a branch.
"Xiao Yan Zi! What are you doing up there? Come down at once!" he scolded immediately. Xiao Yan Zi finally noticed Qian Long's presence and jumped in fright. Bad move, as the branch gave way to the sudden shock of pressure, and a loud crack was heard before Xiao Yan Zi's figure came hurtling down to the panicked audience below. Before anyone had moved a muscle, Qian Long had already leapt up and cradled her into his arms landing softly onto the safety of the ground.
"You make us all so worried about you! Where's Yong Qi? Weren't you supposed to be resting in bed? What were you thinking up so high in your condition? What if I hadn't come in time? When are you going to start being obedient? What am I supposed to do with you?" scolded Qian Long as soon as they touched the ground. Xiao Yan Zi kept her eyes shut tight, only to slowly open them when Qian Long stopped the interrogation.
"Huang Ah Ma…have you finished? Can you let me down?" she asked cautiously. Qian Long just looked at her and sighed before allowing her to the floor.
"Where's Yong Qi?" he asked her.
"In the book room," answered Xiao Yan Zi, not daring to look Qian Long in the face. Seeing her staring at her toes, Qian Long's heart softened.
"Let's talk inside," he ordered before heading off. Head down, Xiao Yan Zi reluctantly followed, as with the servants. Qian Long led her all the way into the bedroom before stopping.
"Huang Ah Ma…it's much easier to talk in the living room!" suggested Xiao Yan Zi hopefully. Qian Long smugly shook his head.
"Nope, you need bed rest, Tai Yi prescribed at least a weeks worth!"
"But I feel fine!" complained Xiao Yan Zi, twirling around in a circle to display her health. However by completing that simple action she managed to trip over her own feet and toppled to the ground helplessly. Before she could utter another word, Qian Long had already scooped her up off the floor and dumped her onto the bed, using his own hands to swiftly pull her shoes off her feet. All Xiao Yan Zi could do was pout in return.
"Now tell me, what were you doing up that tree?"
"I was just trying to see if the bird's nest had any eggs, I waited so long for the mother to fly away before sneaking up for a look…"
"Bird's nest? You climbed all the way up just to see whether there were eggs in a bird's nest? You're a Ge Ge for gosh sakes, an officially married Fu Jin, and possibly a future Empress!" yelled Qian Long. Xiao Yan Zi bit her lip and kept quiet. She hated being reminded of her status, it placed so much pressure on her. She didn't want Yong Qi to not be future crown prince and emperor, but she didn't want the burden of the status either. Seeing the troubled look on Xiao Yan Zi's face, Qian Long knew he had struck a chord with his words. Sighing inwardly, and regretful of his own temper, he quickly softened his tone.
"I'm just worried about you…I don't want you to have any accidents you know!" he said softly, reaching out to cradle her bandaged hand in his own. "Look, your hand is still wrapped up…does it hurt? Next time you want to see what's in a bird's nest, ask your guards to get it down for you okay?"
Seeing Huang Ah Ma's gentleness brought on a great warm fuzzy feeling inside Xiao Yan Zi. Looking up into her father's eyes, she smiled happily at him, and Qian Long returned the grin in relief.
"Yi hou bu gan le ma! (I won't dare to again in the future)" she answered him pout fully. Qian Long shook his head in resignation…knowing full well that it probably won't be another two days before her so called "yi hou (future)" was past. But that was what made her Xiao Yan Zi, and what made her so lovable!
"Did Huang Ah Ma come for Yong Qi or me?" asked Xiao Yan Zi to take the attention away from her little drama. Her face took on a more solemn expression as Qian Long gripped her hand tightly into his own, as if bracing her for an impact.
"I came to ask you something actually…Xiao Yan Zi, it's about Zhang Da Ren…" answered Qian Long, causing Xiao Yan Zi to bite her lip hard.
"What…what…what about him?" she asked shakily. Qian Long reached up to cradle her cheek in his palm, and used his thumb to gently brush a loose strain of hair away from her eyes.
"I know this is difficult for you…but it is a decision which you must make yourself, or you will forever regret it…Xiao Yan Zi…" started Qian Long, pausing until Xiao Yan Zi was looking him straight into the eyes. "What do you want me to do with Zhang Da Ren?" he asked slowly, making sure she understood every word and every meaning the question had implicated.
Xiao Yan Zi kept silent, not knowing what to say. Feeling a full rush of emotions, anger took over her as she remembered in context what Zhang had tried to do to her. "I want you to poke a thousand holes into him…and cut him into little thin slices, then boil them up, then feed them to the dogs…then…then…cut him up all over again…" she cried out blindly, stopping when she felt Qian Long's hand grip her shoulder soothingly.
"Are you sure that's what you really want?" he asked her sincerely, knowing full well that it was all just a mask, a brave cocoon she placed over herself to hide her own insecurities. Xiao Yan Zi felt as if Qian Long's eyes were piercing through her own right to the middle of her soul, as she slowly began to shake her head from side to side, feeling the unwanted tears welling up, blurring her vision. What did she want? She asked herself the same question over and over…and the truth was, she didn't know. Zhang was her flesh and blood father…her real father, and even though she had tried to forget him, the love he showed her in the prison before his attempt to rape her still touched her heart. Yet he did what he did…and he was her father, how could he have done what he tried to do? It was unimaginable…but it was sadly true. Suddenly she felt lost, confused and frightened all at once. Seeking security, she snuggled herself into Qian Long's cradle, burying her face into his shoulder. Qian Long just held her as she sobbed softly, gently rubbing her back as he often did to reassure her. Soon Xiao Yan Zi's sobs died down, and she looked up tearfully at the emperor, biting her lip in uncertainty. Qian Long looked into her face as well, and used his fingers to rub away the tears that had fallen upon her cheek.
"Can…can I see him?" she asked, sniffling softly.
"Are you sure that's what you want?"
Xiao Yan Zi nodded, before resting her head onto his shoulder. Qian Long placed his arms around her and gave her a soft squeeze.
"I'll arrange it for tomorrow, in my study. We'll be there with you okay?" replied Qian Long. Xiao Yan Zi lifted her head to nod again.
"Thankyou Huang Ah Ma," she whispered softly, before resuming her position in his cradle, and closing her eyes in exhaustion.
"Ahh…I just can't win! You've found your path out of staying in bed again!" sighed Qian Long teasingly to lighten the mood. Xiao Yan Zi giggled, for a moment forgetting her worries. Savouring the feeling of having her in his arms a period longer, Qian Long finally withdrew himself and stood up off the bed.
"Take a good rest okay? At least until Yong Qi comes back!" he told her, giving her shoulder a squeeze. Xiao Yan Zi nodded and gave him a grin.
"Xiao Yan Zi Gong Song Huang Ah Ma," she bided as he walked out the door. Seeing the door close behind the emperor, Xiao Yan Zi sighed deeply. She was going to have to face her father tomorrow…why she wanted that she was unsure, but she knew that it was the right decision. Plus Huang Ah Ma had said that she wouldn't be alone, there was nothing to fear. For now, all she could do was wait patiently for Yong Qi to return.
The next day Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi made their way to Qian Long's study as soon as the sun was up. Although they were not scheduled to meet Zhang Li Ming until late morning, Xiao Yan Zi found that she couldn't sleep another wink as soon as she awoke, and Yong Qi just couldn't bear the sight of his nervous wife. Now stepping into the room, Xiao Yan Zi hesitated tentatively at the door.
"Don't worry, he's not in there yet…and I'll be there with you all the time," reassured Yong Qi giving her hand a squeeze. Picking up her courage Xiao Yan Zi stepped inside.
"Huan Zhu Ge Ge jia dao, Wu Ah Ge jia dao" announced the eunuch at the door, and to the couple's surprise, Qian Long was already sitting inside the room.
"Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi! You two are early today!" he greeted as they hurriedly bowed in respect.
"Huang Ah Ma Ji Xiang, we thought it best to arrive earlier than scheduled," answered Yong Qi formally.
"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang," greeted Xiao Yan Zi with a yawn. It was still early morning, and despite not being able to sleep in her bed, it didn't make her any less sleepy outside.
"Are you alright?" asked the emperor, love and care etched in his voice. Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer…she herself couldn't pinpoint the answer to that question. Together they waited, simply waiting…
"Zhang Li Ming is brought to your majesty!" came the announcement at the door.