The Einzbern/Pendragon Consultation Room [Emiya Manor version 2.0]
A legendary realm where wandering souls gather for guidance and information, an Avalon for wanders searching for a guidepost in the vast darkness of the universe, such was the basis of the legendary wandering classroom known as the Einzbern Consultation Room. Formally located in a spacious and elegant side room of the Einzbern Caste [Japanese annex], for budget reasons, the legendary home for the lost had moved into the spare bedroom of the Emiya manor located in the old district of lovely Fuyuki City. Even in these dark days, the consultation room remains ever vigilant in it's mission to shepard those who seek it's guidance back to the path of light and righteousness, headed by Irisivel Von Einzbern and her loyal side-kick Zecchan a new legend is forged with love and justice! The Einzbern Consultation Room begins now!
"Welcome back everyone to our little room where all your hearts maybe set at ease and a new direction forged into the uncertain future." Irisviel spoke to no one in particular. Dressed in her ever present pink and white kimono with a ribbon tying back her long, snow-white hair, into a trailing ponytail, the eldest daughter of the Einzbern family dressed for success in her role as "Sensei" and guide to poor lost souls.
"Hello again!" Her high-school aged companion chimed in, dressed in her usual bloomers and track jacket. "Do we have any guests today?"
"Sadly we don't Zecchan. Between Arturia being working and taking care of the children, I simply haven't had time to arrange for anyone to visit us today." Irisviel spoke with a light sigh
"I'm sorry Sensei... But, does that mean we're going to cancel today's consultation?" Her assistant asked with a long face.
"Fear not, my faithful Zecchan! Here in the Emiya Manor we always have a backup plan stowed away for just such circumstances as these." Irisviel shouted, her words ablaze with righteous consultation-based justice. Leaving the cramped corners of her bedroom for a moment, Irisviel soon returns bearing a small bag overflowing with envelopes.
"What's that, Sensei?"
"It's our mailbag, the container in which those seeking help convey their needs in written form!" Irisviel emptied the bag, sending dozens of white envelopes scattering across the bedroom floor. "Just pick one and we'll be on our way."
"All right, Sensei! I'll do my best." Picking one plain letter from among the sea of white now spread across the bedroom's tatami matted floor, Zecchan set about carrying out her Sensei's command opening, and then reading aloud its contents.
"Dear Sensei,
Me and my girlfriend have been together for a few months now but she never seems to want to do anything intimate together. Everything else in our relationship is perfect, but I'm just not sure what to do about this. Please help me!"
Irisviel stood in silent contemplation for a minute or so, formulating a response to her loyal followers cry for help. "Well, dear student, I'm afraid I've never had that problem, but I can relate a story that may help! How does that sound Zecchan?"
"Go for it Sensei!" Zecchan cheered, thrusting one closed fist towards the heavens.
"All right then, this all happened many months ago, before Illya and Shirou completed our little family..." Irisviel's voice trailed off as she began her self-indulgent flash-back.
"Arturiaaaaaaaaaaaa, I'm home and I brought the stuff you wanted for tonight!" Irisviel entered the Emiya manor, kicking her shoes against the wall in a fit of extreme giddiness.
"Oh? Very good, may I see what you've brought?" The King of Knights had learned, several times by then, that it was not wise to trust Irisviel's judgment when she was excited about something. Several times she had asked her beloved to bring back some manner of food or other item only for her to return with something else entirely. For that reason, it was wise to double check any request made of the Einzbern homunculus.
"All right!" Irisviel emptied her shopping back onto the dining room table, spilling snacks, a rented VHS tape, and a box of condoms.
"Irisviel..." Arturia spoke in a flat, almost annoyed tone. "Why did you bring home those?" She leveled a heavy finger against the condom box.
"I thought we were going to do that later..." Irisviel blushed profusely, a act especially noticeable against the backdrop of her pale skin.
"We shall, but please think for a moment, milady, we are both women. Why would there be need for such things?"
"I guess there wouldn't be since neither of us have a penis." Irisviel pouted for a moment. Though such words brought back memories of a very strange time in her life the front of Arturia's mind, she dare not speak them for risk of looking like a fool in front the woman she loved most.
"Exactly, just let me guide you through things and I'm sure everything will work out for the best." Irisviel smiled, her beloved servant-turned-lover always knew just what to say.
The rest of the night, though more then a bit awkward at times, passed without incident.
"So you see, dear student, if you just sit down, talk to her, and walk her through exactly what you want to do. I'm sure things will work out for the best." Irisviel's explanation, for once in her short life, was concise and too the point. "Now that all of that is out of the way, let's move onto the next letter, Zecchan!"
"All right, Sensei!" Rummaging once more through the seemingly bottomless mailbag, assistant student zero withdrew a rather odd looking letter from among the hundreds residing in Iri's bag. Tucked within a pitch black envelope and encrusted in something resembling a rather sinister variety of mud, the letter in question oozed of malice and bad intentions. "Um, I'm not sure we should answer this one Sensei..." Zecchan hesitantly spoke, holding the vile letter as far away from her person as possible.
"Don't be silly, we're here to provide guidance to all who are strong enough to ask for it. So please, could you please read the letter?"
"All right, if you say so..." Unfolding the offending envelope revealed a rather normal look letter written upon the letterhead of what appeared to be a church of some kind.
"Dear "Sensei",
The girl I've been after for awhile now has rejected all of my advances no matter how hard I try. I've offered her all the worlds riches and more yet she still refuses to become mine. I guess my question is how can I make this silly girl like me? I'm charming, rich, and oozing with style and confidence, so I fail to see what I'm doing wrong!"
"Sensei, I think this guy is just a huge, self-absorbed, jerk. Can we just ignore him and move on?" Zecchan let out a small sigh, slightly annoyed by the whole matter.
"I'm sorry, Zecchan, but if this poor soul took the time to send us a letter the least we can do is answer his question." Irisviel thought for a moment, formulating a answer to the question that wouldn't sound overtly judgemental. "Well, as you mentioned previously my dear assistant, this man seems to have issues simply because he is far to invested in himself. No matter how rich or good looking he maybe, no girl wants a man who values himself more then her. So my advice to him is to try to tone down those parts of his personality or find a girl who will date a man like him."
"I will remember that Sensei and avoid men like him in the future!"
"Very good, Zecchan. I hope you will carry that lesson in your heart from now on. Now, shall we answer one more question before we call it quits for the day?"
"Let's do it!" Once more into the bag Zecchan's hand went and once more did she pull out a piece of mail from some forlorn soul longing for guidance in a lonely world. She then proceeded to read the letters content aloud.
"Irisviel,
I'll be a bit late getting home tonight, please tell Shirou that I won't be able to play with him. I'll see you when I get home, and I'll be looking forward to "playing" with you tonight."
Love,
Arturia."
Irisviel's ran blank for a moment as she starred in the infinite abyss of embarrassment that had been opened beneath her very feet. Unable to speak nor move, she simply stares upon nothingness while her face burns a deep crimson.
"You ok, Sensei?" Zecchan asked, waving her hand in front of Irisviel's face to make sure she hadn't died of shock.
"Yes, yes I am." Irisviel said in a vacant manner as she quickly snatched the offending letter from her assistant's hand.
"Um, I guess since Sensei seems to be broken at the moment, that's it for today. See everyone next time!"
Well, I know the story is over but this is something I wrote as a gift to you all for getting this little fic of mine to 20,000 hits. There is one more side-story coming, so I hope you all will come back and read it once its done!