Chapter 13: A Long Road Ahead
Author Note
Hello! Apologies for my absence, a large number of things happened in such a short span of time that I wasn't able to get anything out for this story, but now I'm free and ideas are flowing in like a waterfall, and what better way to come back then with a long chapter? Enjoy!
My eyes slowly open to being in a hospital bed as I jolt up, seeing it's morning outside. W-What... What happened yesterday? Did... Did Adrian...
I turn to my phone, grabbing it and seeing no texts from Adrian on it. I begin shaking... Did he... Did he g-get.? No.. No.. No, he couldn't have. H-He's all I have left. Nothing else...
The doctor walks in and I freeze at the sight of him, but it seems to be a different doctor.
"Mrs. Hanako.." He speaks in a more sad tone compared to before, sitting on a chair in front of me.
"It is our apologies to confirm that your friend, Adrian Louis, am I correct in his name?"
I nod, shaking... Don't t-tell me...
"He was.." He lets out a sigh. "Hit by a speeding vehicle two days ago, and.. he was.." The doctor pauses frequently... N-No... no no no... H-He didn't die... Please... Please, please...
"Killed instantly. I-I'm sorry." He looks up at me.
I stare in total and complete shock. I.. E-Everything I had... H-He... W-We were going to g-go to school together.. He was.. e-everything... No.. No, I'm having a nightmare. I am having a nightmare, this isn't possible! H-He... He meant absolutely e-everything...
I break down into tears in front of the doctor, sobbing in my hands. I.. I d-don't...
E-Every single m-moment... I-It's my fault. A-All of it. If I didn't r-run.. he'd be here. We'd be going to school together. It's all because I r-ran.. H-He got... Oh my god...
E-Everything is because of me... I.. My parents... M-My dog, Adrian... I-It's all because of me. I'm... I'm s-such a horrible person. W-What's wrong with me? It's.. all because of me. I'm a monster. N-Nothing else. I'm just a horrible person.
"Mrs. Hanako?" I could hear him in a stern but sad voice. I slowly lifted my head up, still crying with silent tears flowing from my eyes.
"W-We're.. going to offer you two extra days to stay here, due to these unfortunate chains of events. You have a choice to stay here for up to two days before you will be moved to the orphanage we've assigned."
T-Two days... Still here? Still back here with all I caused? I.. I guess it's... b-better than having to be at the orphanage.
"..o.."
I can't even get a word out because of this... Why.. Why? F-First my family... Then Adrian...
"..o-okay.. ..t..t-two d-days is f-fine."
He nods, sighing, getting up and leaving. I lay back on my bed, staring at the window and curling into a ball, crying into my legs.
W-Why? Why did he have to go? It was all my fault. All of it. I-I... I ran. That's why he isn't here...
H-He... He said he.. "loved" me... Is that what I-I was feeling? I-It is, isn't it? It's exactly what I was feeling.
A-And.. and now he's gone because of me. It's all my fault... If I didn't r-run across the street... I-If I just.. stayed where I was.. he'd still be here w-with me.
I slowly sit up, putting my hand on my head, proceeding to let tears slowly come out of my eyes while staring down at my bed. I look at my arms... T-This jacket... T-The sleeves... And m-my clothes...
I look down to my necklace, pulling it off and looking at it. I pick up my phone, looking at the other various objects he got me. He.. gave me so much... and I m-made him disappear.
I-I... I don't d-deserve to be here. All I do is bring hatred and bad l-luck... I.. I had one chance.. and now it's all gone. All of it.
I proceed to look back on the housefire as if I can see through their v-viewpoint...
A-And then Adrian... Being hit... Oh god...
I lay back on my bed, crying, gripping the necklace in my palm. I begin to stare at the ceiling, gazing over my abundance of thoughts. Every single little memory and thought... Why did I have to r-run? Why? I was so... stupid. And look what it resulted in. It's all because of me. All of it.
I turn my head towards the window, staring out onto the city, seeing the walkways and forest area where we went..
I shake, grabbing my phone and looking at my contact list, seeing "Adrian" is the only thing there. I immediately drop my phone and slam backward, covering my face as I break down into tears.
Look at all of the destruction I-I've brought... F-First my family... And then Adrian...
What would he think of me if he was still here? Would he hate me? Would he l-leave me?
Everyone's left me... Alan.. Mark.. Rachel... Adrian... Mom... Dad... They're all g-gone. Because of my mistakes and my stupidity...
I put my necklace on, still crying as I close my eyes, hoping the pain will fade away.
"GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER! NOW!"
"Hanako... I.. I've been meaning to tell you this for weeks... But.."
"The whole goddamn kitchen is on fucking fire!"
"I love you, Hanako."
"E-Everything will be okay."
"..so much."
Suddenly, my eyes open, and I begin shaking, realizing I had a nightmare. I sigh, feeling a tear come out of my eye. I look to the window, seeing it's night as I let my feet hit the floor, standing up and slowly walking towards it, leaning against it and looking out onto the city light up at night. I begin to cry on the window, closing my eyes...
Why can't I wake up? Why can't Adrian come from behind and hug me? Why can't... Why can't this all be just a bad dream...
I look down at my legs, noticing I'm standing okay... S-So... A-Adrian even helped me learn how to walk again.. and I still took everything from him... Absolutely everything...
W-What does his family think of me? Do they hate me? T-Their son is gone.. because of me.
P-Please, let it all be a bad dream. Please.
I walk to my bed, laying down and rolling over, sighing and staring towards the window. I grab a book, sitting up and sighing. I stand up off my bed, beginning to wonder if there's any balconies or outside areas. I open my door, walking out into the hallway and seeing no one. I slowly begin to walk around with my book in arms, and I see a sign that points to a balcony area. I begin to walk, reaching it and seeing the door is unlocked. I walk out onto it... I don't think I'm supposed to be here, but, I don't care. There are multiple chairs and tables.
I sit down on one of the chairs, feeling the wind blow through my hair as I look down at the massive city of lights, cars and neon signs. I open my book, beginning to read and attempt to forget about everything... Adrian... My family... I just want the pain to go away.
I put the book down after a minute and lay my head back, looking up at the night stars, gazing upon them, going between each. What would it be like to be out here and have Adrian with me? I.. I miss him. I wish he could be here. But... it's all my fault.
I close my eyes, hearing the sound of the wind blowing while feeling it go across me, almost calming. I look back down at the city and put my book on one of the tables, walking up to the end of the balcony where the fence is, leaning on it and looking down at the city. There are so many people... So many places... How many people are like me? N-Not... Normal. I'm going to be down there soon.. People are going to call me names a-and.. everyone's going to blame me for Adrian, aren't they? What about his family?
I feel a tear come from my eye, watching it slowly drop my face and off the balcony, down to the long fall of the ground.
I look up, backing up and picking my book up, sitting down and reading again. I begin to remember everything Adrian did for me... Buying me things...
I take my necklace off again, looking at it as my hands are shaky. I put it back on and pull my sleeve up, looking at my arm. I let out a sigh as a tear falls from my eye. I'm going to be like this.. forever. And there's no fighting it. I.. I'm a monster. I take things from other people and.. g-give nothing in return despite how much they do for me. I'm a terrible person.
I pull my sleeve up, letting a tear flow down my face and hit my sleeve. I begin to see the sky brighten a small bit as fog lays in. I immediately notice it's turning day... I may want to go back. I guess I can stay for the sunrise. I look towards it and see it slowly rising as I slowly smile, but it descends into sadness, remembering how I stayed up all night once due to the hallway event... I sigh, grabbing my book and standing up, looking at the sunrise one last time before entering back into the hallway sector and going towards my room. I hear a doctor open a door and immediately enter my room, letting out a sigh of relief when he doesn't catch me. I walk back to my bed, sitting down. My legs feel exhausted as I lay down, looking towards the window. Normally I'd be texting Adrian, but...
I begin to cry lightly, gripping my pillow and shaking... I want to hear his voice again. I want to see him. But... He's gone. Forever. Because of me... And he'll never be back.
I cry for a few minutes before slowly going quiet, staring at the window, overthinking. I sit up, thinking about something to take my mind off everything, realizing the library opens soon. I sigh.
What happened the last time I tried to go there? I was so... weak. And look what I ended myself up in. Just.. m-more pain. And that's what I'll cause here... But, I have to try. I.. I can't be sitting around c-constantly... I.. have to do other things.
I sit up, giving my legs a break for a few minutes before getting up and grabbing my phone off my desk, and stopping, beginning to think. Who am I going to c-call with it? The only person I talked too is.. gone. B-Because of me...
I drop it back onto my counter, walking towards my door and slowly opening the door, peeking out. Noone is around and I let out a sigh of relief, beginning to walk towards the library. I stop and look at the hallway where I had a breakdown and it sends a chill down my spine... Waking up to Adrian's messages... I.. won't be able to read those anymore... He's gone. Forever.
I decide not to re-create what happened via a breakdown and begin walking again, reaching the library and seeing it's open as I walk in. The librarian doesn't notice me and I quickly move to the back of the room without being spotted, sitting down and looking to the right of me, seeing the chair where Adrian sat with me in the library.. But.. he's not there. And he never.. ever will be.
I sigh quietly, grabbing a book off of a shelf, looking down at it. H-Huh... "Captains of the Sands." I-It should be okay, I guess.
After a very long period of time of being invested in the book, I look up, seeing it's noon via the clock on the wall. I smile lightly, but quickly stop, remembering the last time I spent so much time here... Adrian was here, wasn't he? A-And then we walked back to my room t-together... Why...
I sigh, standing up and walking towards the librarian.
"Oh, hello." Surprisingly, this time he doesn't seem to take any sort of shock or offense.
"..h-hi.." I slide the book over, looking down.
He gives it back to me after checking it out.
"Please, return it by tomorrow morning, okay?"
I nod, quickly grabbing it and walking out, shaking. I stop dead in my tracks upon seeing the hallway crowded with people. Oh my god... No.. no.. No no no...
I freeze, immediately remembering how Adrian would walk me through these areas... I back up, beginning to cry as I quickly walk back into the library, going to the back and sitting down, dropping my book on the other chair and putting my hands on my head, shaking. Oh my god... I.. Noone's here to help m-me... I'm all alone.
I-I guess I just.. h-have to wait until it passes. It's l-like a storm...
I rest my head back on my chair, putting my hand on my head, sighing. I grab my book again and try to get invested in to forget everything, but I'm unable. I drop it on my lap and my thoughts trace back to Adrian, as I shiver, beginning to re-think what happened.. M-Me running... Turning around... The car.
I cry silently, looking down at the ground. I begin shaking while putting both of my hands on my head, suddenly taking my right hand off due to the feeling of the scars... W-Will they ever heal?
What a stupid question. They never will. I'm like this.. f-forever. I'm... a monster. That's exactly what I am.
I sigh, grabbing my book and beginning to read, this time with a noticeable difference as I'm actually able to fly away into the words that I cross my eyes upon.
After what I can only assume to be multiple hours, I finish the book and put it back, noticing a difference in lighting. I begin to feel tired, as I've been up for far too long. But... I have to get back to my room.
I stand up, walking towards the door and ignoring the librarian. Luck is on my side as the hallway is empty and I smile lightly, beginning to walk.
I later reach my room and open the door, walking in and sitting down on the bed. I lay down, feeling extremely worn out and tired. I close my eyes, sinking my head into my pillow, and after multiple minutes, the darkness fades into my eyes.
"How about tomorrow we take a walk?"
"I love you, Hanako."
I open my eyes, seeing the lighting significantly change again, as it's dark. I sit up and feel my face wet... Did.. did I cry in my sleep?
I sigh, facing the window and letting my feet hit the floor again. I begin to think about earlier today... God.. am I really that weak that I can't.. even walk in a crowd?
I'm so.. useless. Look at what I've been doing.. Crying and shaking. T-That's it.
I look down, beginning to think about the balcony again. I sigh, grabbing the phone off the counter and stuffing it in my jacket, getting up and walking towards the door, opening it and seeing no one, as usual. I walk out into the hallway and take the exact same path, leading to the empty balcony... I feel the wind again and walk towards the edge, leaning on the railing and closing my eyes, letting it all flow through me...
I take my phone out of my pocket, going into my contact list and seeing Adrian. I begin to slowly cry...
I.. I don't want this. Who am I going to call, anyway? Nobody... B-Because everything I would call is g-gone.. because of me.
I swing my arm back and chuck the phone as hard as possible as I can into the air over the railing, leading into falling to the ground. I sigh, sitting back down on one of the chairs.
I stare back up at the stars... I remember when I and Adrian were so young, and we'd try and count all of the stars... I.. Why can't he be here? Why can't we do that again? I-It's because of me. I don't.. even need to ask.
I sigh, getting one last glimpse of the city before turning around and walking towards the door, opening it and going inside, following the exact same path back to my room, hearing nothing but my shoes hitting the floor in the empty, dark gloomy hallways.
I reach my door and open it, walking in and looking around.
H-How long has I spent here? In this room? In this bed? Crying.. shaking...
I-I'm weak and I'm useless.
I walk forwards to my bed, laying down on it... This is the l-last day here... and then I go to the orphanage. A-And then the school... So many faces... So many people.. w-what awaits me?
I close my eyes, curling into a ball and slowly letting it all fade away into black.