In the name of God, the merciful Father, we commit the body of Louis Michael Messer to the peace of the grave.
Peace of the grave. Was it possible to find peace inside a wooden box under six feet of dirt, Danny wondered as he listened to the priest's prayer. Leave it to his brother to find peace in death. Considering death was his living Danny knew denial was a major part of mourning. People refused to believe that their loved ones were actually gone, instead believing that somehow they would wake up and their mother, or sister, or grandfather would walk through the door like they normally did. But Danny had accepted his brother's death fairly quickly. Louie had been walking a fine line between living and getting himself killed for a long time. He chose a lifestyle that had him toeing that line on a daily basis, whether it was dealing drugs, gambling, or doing the Tanglewood Boys' dirty work. That knowledge had not prevented Danny from being devastated by his brother's death, however.
Despite their rocky history, Danny loved his brother. It had evolved to a tough-love recently, but his brother's death left a gaping hole in his life. He didn't have a brother anymore. Louie would never know what it was like to be a father. Danny's kids would never have an uncle. Louie would never be his best man, Danny would never be his. When Danny thought about all the moments both he and Louie would miss out on he got angry. Furious actually, that his brother would do this to himself and to his family. It made him want to punch holes in walls or run into the street cursing God.
He looked over at his mother who was standing next to him, quietly weeping as she had been since Danny told her Louie was dead. Danny wished he could make this easier for his parents. He also wished that he could take back his last moments with his brother, that he hadn't turned his back on Louie. Maybe then he would still be alive. At the time he felt it was the right decision, but knowing his brother's corpse was in that casket and seeing his family in mourning made him regret that choice.
Memories of his last conversation with Louie seared through his mind constantly. Don't come anywhere near me. Ever again. That's what he'd said to Louie and it was ironic that his brother chose that time to actually listen. Danny hadn't seen his brother again until he was lying on an autopsy table. Every time he thought about that night he felt sick, bile rising in his gut. Get out. Those were the last words Danny ever said to his brother – not just out of his car but his life. Danny's jaw clenched and he touched his stomach at the memory. He could feel him self growing tense and twisted like a spring. Louie's death was all his fault and he felt hopeless – there was nothing that could save him from the torrents of guilt and sadness running through him. Danny watched as the priest dropped hand-fulls of dirt onto the coffin.
Lord God, our Father in heaven and Savior of the world, have mercy on us. At the moment of death, and on the last day, save us, merciful and gracious Lord God.
Moment of death. Danny thought a lot about Louie's moment of death, wondered what his last breath had been like. Shot to the back of the head. That's what Flack had told him three days ago. Danny knew something was wrong when Flack and Mac had come up to him in the lab and asked to speak to him privately. Flack seemed nervous, and kept putting his hands in and out his pockets. Mac's usually serious expression was even more so.
"I'm sorry to tell you this Danny, but your brother was found dead this morning. A couple of teenagers found the body in an abandoned warehouse and called 911. He died from a gunshot to the head. We are still investigating but it definitely looks like it has something to do with his Tanglewood connection."
It was surreal to have Flack talk to him in the same way Danny heard him talk to countless other family members on a daily basis. He remembered having difficulty breathing and not being able to hear anything else Mac or Flack said to him over his heart pounding in his ears. He tried hard to focus on what Mac was saying, something about taking time off but it was just like in the movies – when everything warped into slow motion and his voice sounded like a distorted tape recording.
Tears didn't come until later that night when he was laying on his parent's living room couch. He hadn't cried when he identified his brother's body. Maybe it was because he saw dead bodies every day and was used to the smell and unnatural shades of white and blue now coloring his brother's face. Even when he told his parents, he had remained stoic. He wasn't fighting tears, they just weren't there – as if all the circuits that controlled his emotions short circuited, his mind willing his grief into submission so he could be strong for his family. But lying on that couch in his childhood home - surrounded by the memories of his and Louie's childhood, remembering the time when they were both innocent and their futures filled with fantasies of being major league ball players - finally broke his composure. He cried for a long time that night.
God, our Father, we entrust Louis Messer into your hands.
Louie was now in God's hands, and that gave Danny some comfort. Louie always did whatever he wanted, no matter how reckless. But now he was safe from everything Danny had tried so hard to protect him from. Danny knew that the Tanglewood Boys killed Louie. He was just as certain that there would never be evidence to prove it. For all the experience Mac and Stella – who were working the case – had in finding and analyzing evidence, the Tanglewood Boys had even more in destroying it. The gun they used would have been unregistered, with no prints, thrown into the Hudson River. Everyone would be each other's alibi if it even got to that point.
Surprisingly, Danny was not hell bent with vengeance for his brother's death. Selfishly, he was grateful for what his brother's death meant. The Tanglewood Boys were washing their hands of Louie Messer. Louie paid whatever debt he owed with his life and Danny knew he and his family were safe from the Tanglewood Boys. Danny would not receive any more threats; he wouldn't find any more surveillance photos of Lindsay under his door.
Danny looked over his shoulder to Lindsay standing in the crowd of people surrounding his brother's grave. He'd been surprised to see her at the church considering they hadn't had a non-work related conversation in months, but seeing her also brought him a small amount of hope that maybe she wasn't there out of a sense of obligation but because a part of her still cared about him in some way. He had to fight the urge to run up to her, shake her by her shoulders and yell, 'See! This is what I was protecting you from. If we had stayed together it could easily be you in that casket. Do you understand now?'
Danny was too overwhelmed to even deal with that conversation. He wasn't sure he even wanted to have it. He had made a choice and had to live with its consequences. Even if Lindsay understood why he ended things between them, he couldn't expect her to take him back or want him back. If she did, it would probably be out of guilt or pity anyway. But he couldn't think about that right now. In six months he had lost the two people he cared most about and he felt broken. It wasn't too long ago when everything was so clear. He was with Lindsay, Louie wasn't in trouble. Life was so easy, so perfect. But nothing made sense anymore and he felt his life spiraling out of control. He needed to put himself back together before he did anything else.
xxxx
It was only four in the afternoon but Lindsay sat in total darkness in her bedroom. She had pulled the shades and curtains to block all the light and lay on her bed. She was trying to think. To make sense of life. Louie Messer was dead. He had been killed by the Tanglewood Boys. Danny had broken up with her to keep her from that same fate. It had been a week since that realization hit her and she was lucky it even had. She could thank two elderly women, who she didn't even know, for making her understand. She had been standing next to them during Louie's funeral. They had that old, but wise look about them – each wrinkle on their face a story or lessen learned. Lindsay hadn't paid much attention to them until they started taking to each other in Italian. One phrase in particular stood out to her and had been playing in a constant loop in her mind ever since. They had used Danny's name, which is why she started eavesdropping.
"Ora è migliore. Stavano minacciando Danny ed avrebbero danneggiato il suo cane se potesse ottenerlo che cosa hanno desiderato. Resto anima del Louie di resto del dio."
Danny had started teaching her Italian shortly after they began dating and she had picked it up quickly. Whenever she was around his family and friends they would speak to her in Italian and sometimes wouldn't respond to her unless she addressed them correctly in Italian. She wasn't totally fluent but could hold her own in a conversation. These women's accents were thick and their dialect made it difficult for her to completely understand what they had said. But she had picked up most of it. It's better now. They were threatening Danny and would have hurt his dog if it could get them what they wanted. God rest Louie's soul.
Hearing those words made Lindsay flash back to the day Danny left that note about going to pick up Louie. In her post-break up misery she had replayed their relationship in her mind over and over, trying to find the moment when things changed and she always stopped on that day. Danny had pulled back from her then and three days later ended their relationship. How could she have been so stupid? She had suspected something was going on with Louie, she knew about Louie's troubled past and knew Danny was upset. How could she not have put two and two together? Louie had obviously gotten into serious trouble with the Tanglewood Boys and pulled Danny into it somehow. Danny rarely talked about the Tanglewood Boys, but when he did all he ever said was how dangerous they were.
It all made sense to her now. If the Tanglewood Boys would hurt Danny's non-existent dog to get to Louie they would certainly have no problem hurting his very real girlfriend. When Danny felt threatened his protective instincts came out in full force. Once, when they had been out at a bar a man who had obviously had too much to drink started to harass Lindsay. He was more annoying than anything else, but she had to practically throw herself in front of Danny to stop him from getting into a fight. But this was more serious than a silly bar fight. This was about life and death. Whatever happened that night Danny went to pick up Louie must have made Danny think that Lindsay's life was in danger and to protect her he had pushed her away.
Her anger and sadness had instantly washed away and she wanted to run up to Danny to let him know that she understood, that it was all okay. But she didn't. That would be selfish. Danny needed to mourn and she didn't need to add to his stress. She would be patient as Danny had been with her when she was dealing with testifying in her friends' trial. They had time to make things right between them.
Danny would be returning to work tomorrow and Lindsay was trying to figure out what she would say to him. What could she say? 'Danny, I know you were trying to protect me so I forgive you for crushing me and breaking my heart into a million pieces.' Maybe she should wait for Danny to say something to her. But what if he never did? What if he didn't want to be with her anymore? Her stomach dropped at that thought. Lindsay turned onto her stomach and burrowed her head into her pillow. An old saying her mother used all the time popped into Lindsay's head - every difficulty has a gift for you in its hands.
She and Danny seemed to come up against difficulty after difficulty – getting off on the wrong foot when they first met, all her drama with her friends' murders, not being sure how each other felt after she returned from Montana. Lindsay would have thought that being with Danny was her gift at that point, but knew they had to get through their break up and this situation with Louie and the Tanglewood Boys for a reason. There was something more to look forward to, something even better. She hoped Danny realized that, but if he didn't Lindsay would make sure he did.
Lindsay jumped off her bed with determination, suddenly clear in what she had to do. Before leaving for Montana she struggled with how to say good-bye to Danny, how to let him know that it wasn't easy to go. She had left him a card because it was easier for her to express herself - there were no strained conversations or tense moments. Grabbing a pen and paper from her kitchen, Lindsay knew that's what she needed now. She sat down at her kitchen table and began to write everything she wanted to say, everything she needed to say to let Danny know she still loved him, still wanted to be with him. She just hoped that he felt the same way.