Fourteen

Olivia sat in the swing in their backyard, bundled in gloves, a scarf, a beanie, and a down coat, watching Noah and Lizzie try to make snow angels in the leftover three inches or so of Christmas snow Sag Harbor received that year. She had been home from the hospital for a few days, and while she still needed a couple of naps per day, she found herself with a small burst of energy that afternoon. Ignoring Ed's protests that it was too cold, she bundled everyone up and ushered them out of the sliding glass doors to their back deck and smiled as Noah and Lizzie took off, enjoying the fresh air and not-so-fresh snow.

Snow in the city didn't stay white very long, maybe a day, but usually not even that. Aside from random spots in Central Park, Olivia always cringed when Noah would want to play in the snow too long after it fell. But that was when they lived in Manhattan. Being out on the island brought a new set of freedoms, including the ability for Olivia not to consistently bathe her son in anti-bacterial soap after he frolicked through a winter wonderland.

Leaning back in the swing, Olivia sipped her coffee and smiled over the mug at the two youngsters. Noah was laying next to Lizzie, reciting instructions on how to move her arms and legs to make a snow angel, but the little girl just wasn't quite coordinated enough yet, much to his dismay. So once he stood and inspected his masterpiece, he shook his head good-naturedly and tried to help his niece. To any outside observer, the Tucker family was totally at peace that day. Enjoying the sunshine and being together. But despite the picture they painted, the family was anything but peaceful, still reeling from the emotional rollercoaster that the Christmas holiday had brought them.

Once they had unloaded both cars, full of Christmas presents, luggage, and leftover food, the family had set to work trying to find places for all of the new purchases. Noah, as usual, had strong opinions about where his toys lived. Lizzie did not care one bit, and was happy to just run around the house in circles while everyone else got settled. The men, of course, refused Olivia's help and once Ed realized how frustrated she was feeling, abandoned the kids to continue to unpack and followed Olivia into the kitchen to make some coffee.

"Good to be home?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind and kissing her neck, opting not to think about the weight loss they were beginning to notice.

"Yes," she murmured, hitting the brew button and leaning back into the embrace. "I'm a little tired…"

Ed smiled into her skin and nuzzled a little bit, causing her to giggle. "Thank you for admitting that."

"Do I have a choice?" Her eyebrow raised, and though Ed couldn't see her face, he knew exactly what it looked like in that moment.

"You do," he allowed, "but I'm very happy with going the honest route."

She had turned around in his arms, reaching up to stroke his face before kissing his lips lightly. "You were finally honest with me last night," she rasped out, and Ed knew that his decision to let her know just how scared he was ended up being the right one. "I owe you the same."

"We are turning over a new leaf in this journey," he announced, "no more hiding."

"No more hiding," Olivia reiterated, a smirk growing on her face. "I nominate you to explain that to our daughter."

Ed let out a laugh, pulling Olivia in for another hug and swaying her lightly in the kitchen.

"Whatever you say."

Olivia smiled as she thought back to that conversation, but the shrieks of the children brought her out of the memory.

"LOOK!" Noah yelled proudly, coming over to his mother and pointing to the snow. "We did it! Lizzie Angel and Noah Angel!"

"Wow, sweet boy," Olivia cooed, pulling Noah into her side as best as she could given the amount of winter gear they both wore. "You are such a good uncle teaching her that. Look how proud she is!"

"Uh huh," Noah agreed, also watching as Lizzie stood and observed her little body's imprint in the snow. She leaned down and ungracefully tried to dust off the grass and dirt. "She did good. Just gotta practice!"

Just then a chill took over Olivia's body and she shivered, catching Noah's attention. "You cold, Mommy?"

"A little bit," she answered, kissing his cheek and moving slowly to stand up. "Let's go in and make some cocoa?"

"Okay!" Noah said, moving to grab Lizzie's hand and lead her inside, but she wasn't as ready to go.

"No, Unc! Snow!" Lizzie declared, digging her feet in and not allowing Noah to drag her across the yard.

"Lizzie, we gotta go inside. Mommy is COLD!"

"No!"

Charlie, who had been observing from the kitchen island, decided to intervene and she threw on Trevor's boots which were sitting by the door and trudged out, trying not to look too awkward in the oversized footwear.

"Okay, Lizzie bug…I think it's nap time," she announced, watching as the toddler slowly moved into tantrum mode. She picked her up and bounced her a bit, trying to get the tears to stop. Olivia moved over and stroked the little girl's hair, kissing at her cheeks.

"Hey, baby girl, we'll play again later okay? Ollie needs a nap too…"

Lizzie began to calm once she realized everyone was going inside, and finally stopped squirming. The foursome made their way to the back door, where Trevor had laid down some towels so they could drop their gear. He moved to pluck Lizzie from Charlie, but she resisted.

"I got her," she said with a small, tired smile. "I may have to lay down with her, so she will actually sleep."

"How about this," Olivia offered, laying her coat over the stool at the island, "I want all Tuckers in warm, dry clothes…then anyone who is ready for a rest, meet me in my bed. It's family nap time."

No one argued with the family matriarch and half an hour later Olivia was safely tucked in her bed with Lizzie and Noah. Lizzie was curled into her chest and already snoozing, while Noah played a game on the iPad.

"You gonna rest, sweet boy?" Olivia asked, her eyes closing against her will. She wanted to wait until Noah was asleep, but that plan seemed to be failing.

"When I finish this…" he mumbled, but he hit pause and leaned over Lizzie to kiss Olivia's cheek. "You sleep now, Mommy. I okay."

"I love you, Noah," Olivia got out, despite the emotion catching in her throat. "You are my sweet, brave boy."

"Yep," Noah said, though she wasn't sure he even heard her. He was busy trying to finish his game. Olivia allowed sleep to overtake her, surrounded by her family and finally feeling at peace.

"Hey, Daddio," Charlie said, padding into the kitchen. She had changed into leggings and a sweatshirt once the kids went to sleep and was now on the hunt for coffee.

"Hey kiddo. How ya holdin' up?"

"I'm holdin'," Charlie said with a little smirk, tasting her coffee and closing her eyes. "I don't wanna think about what life would be like sans coffee."

Ed let out a hearty laugh and shook his head. "Definitely not good for you," he quipped. "Or your mother, for that matter."

Charlie smiled and went to join Ed on the barstools at the island. He was toying around with his laptop, but he closed it and took his glasses off once she sat down.

"I'm worried about you, Daddy," Charlie finally said, not making eye contact. She didn't call him that very often, and it caused his heart to clench a little bit. Ed's mind went back to the conversation with Olivia a few nights ago, when she firmly and emotionally told him that their family needed to stop holding back and start being more honest. Not wanting to disappoint his wife, and hoping his honesty would yield to Charlie opening up as well, Ed took a deep breath before answering his daughter.

"Ya know," he began, reaching out to pat her hand, "I'm relieved to be home. That your mom is feeling better. That Noah seems a little more himself. But, I'm still…worried…about everything. Another reaction to the chemo, your mom's fever going back up and us being this far from the doctors in the city…how Noah is continuing to cope, how you are coping…"

"It's a lot," Charlie breathed out, happy that her father was talking. She wanted to recognize how heavy this was for all of them.

"It is. For all of us."

They sat in silence for a little bit, the weight of their conversation and situation permeating the air a bit, before Ed cleared his throat, hoping Charlie would keep talking.

"How's Trevor? He's really stepped up."

"He has, hasn't he?" Charlie responded, resting her cheek on her hand and smiling softly. "He's been there, ya know. So…I think he really gets it."

"Speaking of, where is he?"

"I actually think he's still passed out in the bedroom," Charlie said, still smiling as she thought of how exhausted her boyfriend was after the holiday. "He almost fell asleep face-timing Tessa."

"Trevor was a life saver," Ed admitted. "Your mom was devastated when she realized she wasn't getting home for Christmas…"

"We all were," Charlie said, her voice cracking a bit. "Trev must have already talked to you about this possible plan."

"He had mentioned it, but I thought he was crazy."

"He is crazy," Charlie said, "but a good crazy. He's my crazy."

"Charlie…" Ed began, but hesitated for a bit, wondering if he was about to go too far, but he threw caution to the wind. "I hope that you're..well, leaning on him. More than you seem to be leaning on me and your mom. Because I gotta tell ya, she's…we…are worried."

Ed winced as he watched his daughter's jaw set again, and he kicked himself. But he needed to know where she was, mentally, with all of this. He was watching her turn to bourbon and didn't have the heart to say anything about that yet, but he was desperate to make sure she was talking to someone. Anyone. He knew Olivia preferred she lean on them, but he also knew Charlie. She wasn't going to do that, at least not yet.

"I…"

Ed reached out and grasped her hand as a tear made its way down her cheek.

"I'm trying."

"Try harder?" Ed pleaded. "I…and your mom…we need you. It's killing me to see your mom struggle this much…I feel so helpless…"

Ed's voice cracked and it broke Charlie's heart a little bit.

"I know. It's okay, Daddy. The next few months may suck, but it's gonna be okay" she whispered, leaning her head on her dad's shoulder. Ed kissed her head and closed his eyes in slight relief as she said her next four words. "And I'm right here."

"Are you sure you're okay with both of them?" Charlie asked one more time, still reluctant to leave for the evening. Trevor and Ed had apparently conspired to get her out of the house, so around four when Trevor returned from a quick errand, he announced t Charlie that it was time to get dressed in "something other than yoga pants" because he was taking her out.

"We're fine," Olivia said for the fourth time. She was still groggy from her own nap and hadn't quite gotten another energy boost, so she was sunk into their couch watching M*A*S*H reruns and smiling as Noah and Lizzie played with the newly constructed matchbox car town. "Go out. Have fun. And maybe bring me back something chocolate?"

"Anything you want, Momma," Charlie said, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Call if you need us," she hollered into Ed, who was fiddling with the slow cooker in the kitchen.

"We will," he tried to yell, but it sounded like a mumble, "damn thing…"

They all laughed, picturing his frustrated face at the broken kitchen tool.

"Okay, we're off," Trevor said, corralling Charlie out the door and locking it behind them.

"I feel weird about this," Charlie said as they climbed into the car and backed down the driveway. "Mom looks exhausted."

"She is exhausted," Trevor agreed. "But the kids are fine and you need a night out."

Charlie smiled at Trevor as they drove through the town, making their way to a little restaurant in East Hampton. Once they were parked, Trevor hopped out and opened the door for Charlie. He took her hand and led her into the darkened bistro. Light jazz music filled their ears as the waiter led them to a small, round table that Trevor had reserved by the window overlooking the brick sidewalk of the town.

"This is nice," Charlie said, smiling at Trevor and taking his hands across the table. "Thank you."

"It was a little selfish," he shrugged, giving her his signature smile, "I wanted to spend some time with you."

Charlie's smile faded a bit and she dropped her eyes, her fingers playing with his as she searched for a response.

"Hey," he said, feeling bad about whatever she was feeling. "I didn't mean it that way…"

"I know," she whispered, but her eyes didn't look up. "Things have just been so…"

"Fucked up?"

Charlie laughed and nodded. "Yeah. Exactly."

"I know," Trevor said. "And tonight, we get to make up for lost time. So…tell me what you want to drink; we'll put the order in and try to forget…even for a little bit…"

Charlie smiled and leaned over the table to kiss Trevor's lips.

"That sounds perfect."

Olivia wandered around the house, turning out all but the one light in the foyer, and making sure the door was locked but the alarm wasn't set. Trevor and Charlie had checked in a few hours ago and upon being told Lizzie was sound asleep, decided to hit up a popular dance spot. Ed was just so relieved they were out having fun that he didn't care what he had to do, they were staying out. Olivia smiled as she thought back to how he smiled when Charlie excitedly hung up, exclaiming to Trevor they were good to go.

"I just want her to be happy," Ed had said, shrugging and causing Olivia to fall even more in love with him. She wasn't sure it was possible, but she did. Daily.

She straightened the family photos on the mantel and let out a sigh before joining her husband in the bedroom. He was sitting up in the bed, wearing just sweatpants, and thumbing through one of the books that Dr. Stevens had recommended during her impromptu hospital stay.

"Anything noteworthy?" she asked, taking her robe off, tossing it on the corner chair. She fiddled with her now loose fitting sweat pants before crawling into bed with Ed.

"Not so far," he mused, tossing it onto the nightstand and taking Olivia into his arms, cradling her to him and kissing her hair. "Just that I'm supposed to make you comfortable. And warm. And safe."

"You already do that…" she murmured, slowly being lulled into a relaxed state by his hands caressing her back and shoulders. "You've always done that."

The couple stayed like that for a while, both awake but enjoying each other's embrace. Olivia trailed her fingers up and down Ed's arms and would occasionally bury her head further into his neck.

"I dunno what I'd do without you," she had whispered at one point, almost in a way that made Ed think she didn't realize she had spoken out loud.

"Well, lucky for you, you'll never have to find out."

Olivia popped her head up to look at her husband and he leaned down to kiss her. They stayed lip-locked for about half an hour. It was slow and relaxed, not leading anywhere, but accomplishing exactly what each of them needed in the moment - to be together.

"I'm a little worried about my next treatment," Olivia finally admitted some time later. The room was dark, save for the electric candle Ed had lit in their bay window. "The new drugs…how I'll react…I can't…I don't want to have another reaction."

"I don't want you to either," Ed said, his grip tightening. "We'll talk to Dr. Kamal on Wednesday. See what he says. Prepare. And just hope that this next combo is the right one…"

"What if it's not? I hate feeling this way…so weak and tired…"

"It will be," Ed insisted. He wasn't ready to think about having to endure yet another hospital stay, and another switch in chemo drugs. "I feel confident about this. But, Liv, the chemo is still gonna make you sick…"

"I know," she sighed out. She felt like her body was letting her down, but it was inevitable so she tried to divert her thoughts.

"I know that you know." Had Olivia looked up from where her head was against Ed's chest, she would've seen the smirk and the joking gleam in his eyes. But she pictured his face as she closed her eyes, content to soak up his comfort and confidence. She was just about to drift off when they heard the beep of the front door opening, and a small thud.

"Shhhh," they heard Charlie giggle. "Everyone's asleep."

"What time is it?" Trevor asked, in a louder than usual whisper. Again, they heard their daughter giggle.

"After midnight."

"God, I haven't been out this late in years…" Trevor grumbled, clearly still trying to take off his winter gear. A smile formed on Olivia's face as she heard the normalcy in their voices. She was craving that back in their lives.

"Me too…"

"Water?"

"No, bourbon…." Charlie must have left him in the foyer, because Ed and Olivia heard her creep into the kitchen and then the rattling of the liquor cabinet. It was quiet for a bit. They assumed the couple had made it back to their room, until another thud and another giggle.

"Trevor!"

"Sorry."

"Not out here…"

"Why not?"

"What if people hear us?"

"They are asleep."

"Bedroom…"

Olivia began to shake, her laughter was hard to contain, as she heard Ed groan at the thought of his daughter and her boyfriend taking off to their side of the house for adult-like activities.

"They need to move," he grumbled. Olivia just laughed even harder.

"Oh calm down, babe," she teased him. "You'd miss them."

"Yeah," he admitted. "You're right…guess they can stay put."

"We're all staying put," Olivia said right before her eyes closed again and sleep overtook her body, with Ed not far behind her.

Have things evened out? Or are more curveballs on the way? How about ya review first ;)