chapter fourteen: no such thing as a happy ending
may 29, 7:43 p.m.
They were happy.
Shizuo didn't think he'd ever use that word again.
After their talk, the relationship between Shizuo and Izaya improved considerably. They certainly weren't friends and didn't like each other, not even a bit. But they'd look at each other, talk to each other, occasionally agree to go on runs together. Izaya was quick, could easily jump to high ledges for a bird's eye view and Shizuo could carry, it seemed, anything. Shinra was pleased with this too; it meant Celty could stay home with them. Peace between Shizuo and Izaya had always been delicate and fragile, but it seemed the end of the world brought them closer.
"Well, of course," Shinra had said when Shizuo muttered it one night. "With fewer people around, you're forced to socialize with Izaya! You said it yourself, Shizuo. Maybe you and Izaya could've been friends."
They had found another mattress one afternoon; that was Shizuo and Izaya's first mission together. They'd agreed that Celty and Shinra could share the mattress in the bedroom and the two of them would each have a mattress to themselves in the living room. Izaya decided to opt for a memory foam one since Shizuo didn't care (and was pleased with the one he had anyway.) There were a few tense hours during which Izaya wanted to go all around the city to find acceptable sheets for himself.
"Why the fuck do you need special ass sheets?!"
"I'm making the best of a bad situation."
"Just cover your scrawny ass with paper towels!"
"But we should conserve those, Shizu-chan!"
The only reason Shizuo didn't throw him through any walls was because they found a grocery store where electricity was still running, where they had milk. Izaya had been surprise, wondered how this store had held out the longest as he looked around in awe. Judging by its current state, it was a small family owned business that persevered as long as it could.
"Well… not that spoiled milk could harm Shizu-chan when bullets can't."
"Go find your fuckin' sheets."
They returned that night and Shinra just stared at Shizuo pulling a trolley of milk and Izaya holding bedding and pillows. Blinking, he adjusted his glasses as he watched the two quietly begin to put things away, Shizuo going back down to bring up the mattress.
"…So you guys really only went out for yourselves today."
The meat was delicious. They'd found spices and the like, let Celty prepare and Shizuo help. Shizuo had started planting some vegetables. A few were ready and they ate them, glad for food with actual nutritional value. Shinra spent most of his days gushing over Celty, who poured over cookbooks when she wasn't making sure everyone was safe.
They were doing fine. They were doing well, if anything; Izaya was learning how to at least tell the general emotion Celty was feeling by her shadows and knew she was content, less worried and stressed than she had been. She and Shinra were constantly together except the times she managed to slip away or Izaya needed to talk to him. Shizuo and Izaya's relationships was as it always was, though both Celty and Shinra noted that it was quieter, more calm. At times, they'd actually be sitting against the same wall and not be throwing venom.
Izaya's days started out with very little quiet time to more and more. When Shinra had chirped that his avoidance issues were flaring again, Izaya had frowned at him and made it a point to stop hanging out with him. Not that Shinra cared what he thought, but Izaya informed him that he was a terrible person to be around.
"Takes one to know one!"
Days that started as constant chatter and movement slowly dwindled down to reading and silence. Izaya would spend endless hours reading, pouring over maps and books. He'd take walks, just to enjoy the sunshine and make sure he retained his physical abilities. If he did speak, it was with Shinra; despite how often Shinra was attached to Celty, there were times he would play a game of chess with Izaya.
Their relationship, as always, was one of banters and dry insults, veiled and returned with smiles. They touched on the topic of what to do next a few times but never lingered.
Surprisingly, Izaya was the one who changed topics.
He didn't know and didn't want to focus on it. For now, they were okay. And as long as he didn't think about it too much, it was fine to be fine. This felt like a home; this felt like a life. This was living, not just surviving. For the past month, this felt normal and even Izaya wanted normalcy for a bit. Shizuo had set up a few graves; he used rocks at first until he found wood and markers and Izaya silently watched him write down the names of those they had lost. He had disappeared and come back with flowers, handed them wordlessly to Shizuo.
Izaya, relatively speaking, was also doing fine. A bit tense, a bit strange, definitely odd and struggling, but clearly avoiding any sort of admittance to his less than stable mentality. He decided to force being fine until it would come naturally, at least feign it for the other three. He relaxed, he toured the city, he read, he kept his knives sharp. He had found a prison one day and would go there sometimes when he was feeling particularly pent up and kill some zombies. He'd come close to having flesh ripped off of him, but he relished in that adrenaline. Feeling softened bone crush beneath his feet, hearing moans and squelching, even just having blood speckle on his skin eased the pent up anxiety.
One day, though, Shizuo saw him. Izaya had been about to kill three with one slash, but Shizuo caught him midair and pulled him back over the fence, started yelling at him, ignoring the zombies on the other side of the fence. Izaya's eyes had flicked to the metal; he hoped that it wouldn't give out, but considering how few zombies there were today, it would more likely than not be fine.
Izaya just stood there and stared blankly at Shizuo as he yelled, waited until he was finished to smile a practiced curve of his lips.
"What does it matter? I'm immune, right? It's fine if I get bit. It's good to stay in shape; we don't want to be caught off guard if something does happen."
"Then go fuckin' run or something!"
"Running isn't the same as practicing killing."
Izaya had to start sneaking out to the prison after that. He was sure Shizuo still knew but, apparently, if he made an attempt to appear like he had stopped, Shizuo would be less strict about not allowing him. Shizuo was Shizuo; stubborn as hell, but everything that had happened had exhausted him and no longer had the energy to fight with Izaya over every little thing, especially if he wasn't at immediate risk, especially if he wasn't endangering anyone else.
Shizuo, out of all of them, had the easiest time adapting. If Izaya had been the most fidgety, Shizuo was certainly the least. Once they had settled in, there was a period of a few days where he did nothing. He had done his part in helping to set up; he had done most of the heavy, physical labor. While Shinra and Izaya planned, he was the one who retrieved, moved, lifted things. He was quiet and obedient; Shinra had joked that he worked like a zombie before promptly retracting his joke at realizing the current state of his world.
But once everything was set up and there were no more necessarily daily runs, he seemed to just stop. He spent his days lounging around, either lying in bed or sitting somewhere, staring at either nothing or the picture of Kasuka. No one bothered him. They went about their business and kept from disturbing him; they understood that, finally, he had the time to properly mourn everything had happened.
Celty would go over sometimes and sit by him, rub his back soothingly.
Are you all right? her PDA would show.
Shizuo would give a tired smile.
"I will be. Thanks."
Izaya had spared him a glance the first few days, but said nothing, kept his distance. There was one afternoon where he came back, left a pudding cup by Shizuo. When he looked up tiredly and slightly suspiciously, Izaya smirked.
"When Shizu-chan's done, I'll take him to more."
Life was starting over with just the four of them.
"Izaya?"
Izaya turned a page in a new book; one of the nice things about settling down was that he had time to find new books and read them. He was getting tired of reading Shizuo's book over and over again. By this point, he'd more or less memorized every word in the book.
"Yes?"
"What are we going to do next?"
At hearing Shinra's question, Izaya's hands froze for a moment. The corner of a page was held between his fingers and he rubbed the page slowly. He exhaled the tension with a sigh and turned after a moment, reached for a bookmark to mark his place before sitting up. "What makes you ask that?"
"The fact that we're in a zombie apocalypse and we're currently sitting ducks," Shinra said easily, going back to cleaning his scalpels and arranging them. He'd always asked sensitive, possibly upsetting questions with a bright tone; Izaya always assumed it had to do with the fact that Shinra only really cared about Celty. The woman and Shizuo were out on a run; they'd been out for a while, as they always were. Sometimes they came back with many things, other times not so much. Izaya thought they probably spent time just walking outside. It was a relatively safe city and Shizuo would enjoy the sunshine.
He was like a cat.
"…I'm not sure," Izaya said finally with a sigh. The book was closed and set aside.
"Well," Shinra murmured, "I think we could just stay here."
It was easy for Izaya to see why.
It was safe. They'd been living there for almost a month and the most dangerous thing that had happened was Izaya pissing off Shizuo, something that everyone had grown accustomed to. Izaya was sure that at some point, food would run out in Kumamoto. But that would be a long time from now; the city was huge and they'd barely begun to clear out the stores just on the block. They could drive to other cities if they needed for larger hauls, keep hunting for animals. Staying meant Shizuo's vegetable garden would have more time to flourish as well.
Izaya still didn't sure how long the electricity or water would keep going for, but hopefully a while. All in all, it was a miracle they'd stumbled across a living arrangement this convenient.
Staying also meant that no one would be at risk and Celty would stop worrying about Shinra.
Staying meant a normal life.
Staying meant Shinra could get what he wanted with Celty.
For all Izaya knew, Shinra already had plans to find his own apartment with Celty. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing; Izaya just preferred the four of them together because of Shinra's medical expertise and Celty's shadows and protection.
Staying, for now, was good for Izaya.
Staying, for now, was good; staying was fine, but Izaya didn't intend on staying forever. He didn't want to entertain the idea of staying like this for the rest of his life, of doing nothing, having no one. Just living in an apartment in a deserted city was not the end Izaya wanted.
He had been glad for safety but safety was getting boring.
"Are you sure that's not just you being selfish?" Izaya asked, looking up.
Shinra matched his gaze.
"You don't have to stay."
"It's safer if we stay together."
"It's safe here."
"You're ready to die just like this?"
"As long as I'm with Celty, yes."
"You're the same as always, Shinra," Izaya murmured dryly. "Only concerned about Celty…"
"And what about you?"
Eyes narrowed, Izaya looked up at Shinra. He just gave a smile as he finished the last of his instruments, set it down before facing his middle school friend.
"You only care about yourself, as always. Though you have been surprisingly patient with Shizuo. Commendable!"
"Shizu-chan's proven to be quite useful."
"Haa?! What's this, you're praising him? Don't go falling in love with him, Izaya…!"
Izaya stared at Shinra before breaking out into laughter that had an arm holding his stomach, the other palm pressed to the ground to keep him from falling over. He laughed until tears threatened the corners of his eyes, ones that he wiped away with a sleeve as he straightened.
"That's hilarious, Shinra. Really, though…"
Giving a few more chuckles, the curve that remained quickly morphed into something dark.
"That's absurd. Me have feelings like that for Shizu-chan? Ludicrous."
"Must be lonely to be unable to love…" Shinra sighed, shaking his head. His instruments were placed on a shelf, right next to all the first-aid equipment, and he ran his fingers over the wood to examine dust collection. "You're so guarded, Izaya. Even now."
"Did you expect anything different?" he drawled, arms folding behind his head as he leaned back against the wall to watch Shinra. "And that's mean… to assume I can't. I can I just don't. Though, I'm not against it…"
"You're strange, Izaya," Shinra said airily.
"You're afraid to open your heart up, and yet if you were to, you'd want someone who would probably hurt you. Maybe you are better off alone. Ah!"
At this point, Izaya had closed his eyes. There were some things Shinra said that he didn't mind listening to, but most of what he said Izaya didn't want to hear. But at his exclamation, one eye opened to look at Shinra and he immediately didn't like that grin.
"You know how they say your greatest love is from somewhere unexpected. Shizuo might be perfect for you!"
"…I don't think anyone says that, Shinra."
june 16, 7:53 p.m.
They had hot pot one night, found some beers for Izaya and Shinra, Shizuo had his milk, and Celty had them. They had vegetables and meat, were happy. Shinra laughed. Celty's shadows were happy again. Shizuo even gave a small chuckle from time to time between bites of food, even ate all his vegetables. Izaya gave softer smirks.
They still weren't sure what to do. They had been avoiding the topic but as time passed, they'd bring it up before hopelessness would silence them and they'd talk about something else. But one day they had had a long conversation about it, tossed around ideas.
Keep going from city to city?
"Aah, we've hit some of the largest ones and there was absolutely nothing."
Flee the country?
"It's not as if we could Google how to fly a plane or drive a boat… besides, how would we even know which way to go?"
A lover's suicide?
Shinra quickly took his words back when Shizuo and Izaya both gave him terrifyingly deadpan glares.
"Kidding! Kidding!"
They had fallen silent again, sitting around the table. They moved it close to the window; at any given time, one of them was watching to make sure there were no zombies. But the meeting was important and they needed everyone, so the easy solution was to hold it by the window, where at least one of them would probably see if something was approaching them.
Celty held up her PDA.
Let's just see how long we can stay like this.
It's nice, isn't it?
They had been quiet for a bit before finally nodding, murmured that that seemed to be the best solution. There was no rush to go anywhere; they had no one to meet, nothing to do. They had one goal: to survive. Surviving here was probably as easy as it could get.
After dinner, they decided to go for a walk. It would be the first time all four had gone out together in the weeks they'd been here. Not a single zombie had approached their apartment; the watch-out was more paranoia and habit, as all four had difficulty accepting that they were safe now. A celebration was in order for surviving until now, for setting up something that they could probably call a home.
It was almost too good to be true.
Celty used her shadows to lock and barricade the door just in case. It was unlikely the zombies would be able to break the door down, but they still wanted to be safe. They went to a park that Shizuo and Izaya would pass by often on the way to supply runs, a park with a hill that they could sit on. For some reason, Kumamoto seemed to have very, very few zombies. They passed a few that they put down immediately, but for the most part, zombie sightings were rare. Regardless, they understood to not let their guard drop completely.
Sitting in grass, Izaya complained about how itchy it was, Shinra complained about bugs, Shizuo looked up at the sky, Celty tapped at her PDA to try to calm Shinra's complaining. Their ears were perked for the sound of the dead, something that surely would catch their attention. It was like an alarm; all four of them had been trained to respond immediately and appropriately to a groan like that.
Sometimes they'd hear it in a dream and wake in sheer terror.
Shinra! I told you to bring bug repellant!
"Izaya! I told you to bring me bug repellant!"
"Did you? Sorry, must've forgotten."
Izaya pointed out constellations, at Shinra's badgering, drawling out the names and pointing them out in a monotonous voice, obviously bored. Shizuo asked questions and Izaya found himself reciting histories and discovery dates, raising an eyebrow when Shinra asked why he knew all this useless information.
"Ah? Useless is when it's not used… and I'm using it, aren't I?"
It was surprising to Celty and Shinra that Shizuo was willingly asking questions and that Izaya was willingly and seriously answering them in such a straightforward fashion. It was almost like they were tolerating each other.
It was exactly as if they were tolerating each other.
Maybe an hour had passed before they stood up and decided to head back, Celty explaining they could stargaze from their windows. They were in such a good mood—even Izaya hadn't said anything that rude all night—that the single zombie didn't even bother them. They were just a few blocks away from the apartment when they saw it. Izaya had noticed it first; he stopped walking and the other three followed his gaze to see it. Its clothes were tattered and shoes dragged along the pavement as it began approaching them, limping and growling. "So who wants it?" Izaya had murmured, hands in his pockets and head lolling to smirk at them.
Shizuo grunted.
Nodding, Celty turned to begin walking, hand out to send a shadow. They heard a squelch and Izaya could see the shadow pierce the zombie in the corner of his eye before they were moving again. But Shinra's excited voice stalled them again; he was the only one still rooted to the spot, having watched the zombie's body crumple to the ground in morbid fascination.
"Can I?!"
Shinra was like a child in a candy store.
An excited child, vibrant and full of life. A child who had found candy, a child who was happy.
Izaya gave a sigh, rolled his neck and gave Celty and Shizuo a cursory glance. Their body language suggested no opposition; Shizuo had taken to leaning against a wall and Celty's helmet gave a nod. Izaya straightened and looked to Shinra.
"Go ahead. Just don't take too long and make sure you cover any cuts you have."
Shinra beamed and hurried over, taking out a scalpel—what kind of a person carried a scalpel on hand?, Izaya wondered—and Izaya watched him for a few minutes. He saw the glint of the blade that Shinra had produced and sighed, turning away. He'd seen enough blood and guts; it didn't matter if they spilled out in a much more orderly fashion. They were still spilling out.
Looking to Shizuo, Izaya murmured that they probably needed more meat; what they had left would last only tomorrow, that they should probably go hunting. "And Shizu-chan can carry it, right? Celty came with me last time."
Shizuo nodded.
"Sounds good. When should we leave?"
"Mm… morning?"
"All right."
Orihara Izaya was actually becoming a team player, to everyone's surprise. He actually asked and listened to what they said (but that wasn't to say he didn't offer a snarky response once in a while.) He was quieter. Gentler wasn't the right word because he was never gentle, but he was someone who Shizuo and Celty thought they could actually get along with. He still had his arrogance and what made him Izaya, but seemed slightly less selfish and self-absorbed.
Or maybe he hid it better.
Even Izaya admitted to this change; there were nights where he'd stay up, stare out the window and wonder how, why, when he became this person. Because what was the most startling and unsettling was knowing that he know had a certain level of trust in the three people he was with.
"Shinra," Izaya called out. "Hurry—"
"Celty!"
Izaya frowned at both Shinra interrupting him and Shinra interrupting him by calling someone else's name.
"Does it matter that you stabbed it through its neck and not head?"
Time froze for that one second, one second too long, one second that their reflexes should not have taken. Shizuo pushed himself off the wall first and Celty was second; Izaya had turned just in time to watch the zombie sit up and sink its teeth into Shinra's arm while his head was still turned to face them.
june 16, 11:48 p.m.
Can't you do something?! Anything?!
"No," Shizuo mumbled. "…There's no cure."
The zombie was taken care of. Celty's shadows had stabbed it properly just a few seconds too late; they'd watched in horror as its decayed teeth sank into Shinra's arm, breaking the skin, watched his face grimace in horror. Staring at his arm, everyone was entirely silent; Celty was the first to move, type on her PDA:
How are you feeling?
"…All right for now," Shinra said, swallowing and looking up to Izaya. "Does that…"
"No," he said quietly. "…It takes a while for the infection to spread. We won't know unless you don't feel any of the symptoms for at least two days."
They brought him home quickly; Celty's entire body was shaking and Shinra put his good arm around her comfortingly, gave a small smile and kissed her neck. Shizuo's face was dark; he sat in the corner of the bedroom and Izaya was pacing.
He hadn't felt anxiety like this in weeks; it made his heart feel like it was on the verge of exploding. He felt lightheaded and at first didn't even hear Shinra call his name; it was only when Shizuo barked it that Izaya stopped, heard it muffled through the sound of his blood rushing through his ears.
His breath stilled; Shinra's mouth was moving but he couldn't hear anything, just stared at his arm and felt chills run through his body as he said:
"We can cut it off."
It was silent.
For several moments, Izaya didn't breathe. He murmured 'we can cut it off' again under his breath, over and over and then he was saying it out loud again, eyes lighting up. "That's right! The infection isn't immediate; as long as we get rid of the bite, then-!"
"WE'RE NOT CUTTING OFF HIS FUCKING ARM."
Grunting, Izaya felt the wind knocked out of his lungs. Shizuo had grabbed him by the front of his shirt and slammed him against the wall with such force that Izaya was surprised he restrained himself enough to not break the wall or kill him. Still wincing from the pain pulsating through his body, Izaya glared.
"Shizuo," he growled lowly, enough venom in his expression for Shizuo to take a step back and let go, "I'm helping to save his life. Don't talk," he said, seeing Shizuo's mouth open. "You've seen what that infection does. You know what Shinra would become. If we let it be, he'll die for sure. If we don't, he might have a chance to survive. Shinra, how easy is an amputation?"
"…A good one? I'd trust neither of you."
"It doesn't have to be good. Just for you to survive."
Staring at him, Shinra's mouth opened. His expression had been unreadable to that point; it had been blank and then he stared at the wound, under some hastily wrapped bandages, as if it were foreign, as if the limb weren't his own. Slowly, he flexed his fingers; immediately, his expression darkened with pain, but he waved away Celty's concern.
"…There runs the risk of infection," he said slowly, looking up. "But success… is not at zero percent."
"And death is a hundred if he's not immune," Izaya said lowly, eyes still fixated on Shizuo. "And if we're generous and say he has a five percent of immunity, then he dies with a ninety-five percent change. How likely is infection?"
"Less than ninety five."
Absolutely not!
Izaya was slammed against the wall again, this time by shadows. Several kept him suspended and one pressed to his throat, making it difficult to talk. Celty stalked towards him; the only reason her shadow didn't kill him was because Shizuo had reached a hand out to grab her by the arm, keep her from advancing, but Izaya could still read her PDA.
You're not cutting off his arm! I wouldn't dare trust you!
"So are you volunteering?"
No! No one is!
"It's his best chance to survive."
This is you being rash! Five percent? Are you joking? If you can be immune, you can't say the probability is that low! You don't even know what it is! For all we know, it could be fifty!
"It's definitely not fifty. If it is, why are there so many people dead? Stop letting your bias against me cloud your judgment."
I'm not letting you anywhere near Shinra!
"Celty, he's right."
Celty's PDA clattered to the ground, shadows receding and Izaya just barely managing to catch himself. The Dullahan turned slowly, body facing Shizuo. He let go of her arm slowly and swallowed, looking away with his brow knit. "…Look, I know how you feel. I don't like this either… I really don't. But Izaya's right. If we don't do anything… he dies. If we wait and he's not immune… he dies. But if we do this and it works… it's his best chance."
The tendrils curling from her neck seemed to freeze for a moment. Celty picked up her phone, tapped quickly and held it up to Shinra.
Shinra! Tell them you don't want this!
Giving a fatigued smile, Shinra shook his head slowly. Up to then, he'd been quiet, just watched the three of them. His breathing was growing shallow and he gave a shaky sigh.
"I'm sorry, Celty… I'd never go against what you want, but if this is my best chance to be with you for longer…"
Looking past her, Shinra made eye contact with Izaya.
"Izaya, I'll tell you what to do. Get everything ready."
june 17, 4:16 a.m.
"I'm surprised you chose me for this."
Tying the tourniquet around his arm and securing it tightly, Izaya spared Shinra a tired glance. They were downstairs in the store; Celty remained upstairs and Shizuo had said he'd be down as soon as he could. They cleared an area of the floor, having disinfected it as thoroughly as possible. It certainly wasn't ideal, but there was no other flat surface large enough for Shinra to lay down on. Izaya's fingers were shaking, but he continued to flex them, hope to calm his nerves. In contrast, Shinra was more levelheaded than Izaya had ever seen him; he laid his arm out, sitting in a stool.
Taking a deep breath once the tourniquet was tied, Izaya closed his eyes and picked up the scalpel.
"Disinfect my arm first, Izaya."
"…Right."
Giving a dark sort of smirk as Shinra watched Izaya's shaking hands open the bottle of cleaning alcohol they found, he experimentally curled his fingers, stared at them. Izaya knew what he was thinking.
"Don't worry," he said lowly once he was finished. "You've got five more."
"Making jokes now? How crass…"
Izaya closed his eyes and took another moment to take a deep breath. Shinra had told him to use a scalpel and a bone saw; the latter he had to go out and find, as that wasn't one of the pieces of equipment Shinra brought with him. It wasn't too hard, as he found a small hospital nearby and was able to get everything he needed, including extra bandages. He was disappointed to see there were no medications of any sort. There was a bit of anesthetic that he was relieved to find, but when he came back, Shinra told him that it wouldn't be enough to entirely numb the area.
"But," he did say with a small smile. "It's better than nothing. Look at you, being so nice to me!"
Izaya noticed that Shinra's face was paling, beads of sweat appeared along his hairline. He was taking too long; all the preparing of materials and Shinra giving him instructions took much longer than anticipated. Swallowing thickly, he opened his eyes and picked up the scalpel. "Don't whine to me afterwards about how it's not pretty, okay?" he muttered dryly.
Shinra laughed.
"Izaya, if you pull this off, I will owe you my life."
Giving a ghost of smile, Izaya rested his gloved left hand on Shinra's arm. The right hand held the scalpel and it hovered just millimeters away from the flesh, a few inches above the elbow before readjusting to be exactly over it.
Izaya had dissected frogs in high school, but he had never even thought about going into medicine.
He wanted to dissect the human mind, not the human body.
Of all the things that he could have expected to happen, this was not one of them. Have to kill people, yes. Have to kill people he used to know as zombies, yes. Partner up with Shizuo, yes.
But this was Shinra and this was Izaya about to amputate his limb.
The very thought made him nauseous, but he swallowed it and focused. He was supposed to be good at compartmentalizing; he spent so many years training himself to avoid genuine connections with others that it was just cruel for fate to force him to do this to the one person he did consider a friend.
It was his idea and so he couldn't try to argue that Shizuo or Celty should do it. And even if it wasn't, Izaya could, in an unbiased manner, understand why Shinra chose him: Celty was too close and Shizuo was too emotional. Neither of them possessed the refined self control Izaya did.
That's right.
That's why he chose me.
Well, well… I can't let Shinra down, can I?
One final breath later and Izaya was relaxed. His shaking stopped and his eyes opened, dark and focused. He murmured 'I'm starting' and waited for Shinra's nod as he brought the clean, sharp blade down on Shinra's flesh.
It was elastic; it was more elastic than he would've thought. But when he broke through the skin and saw the blood pooling, there was a rush of adrenaline; he heard Shinra hum and actually managed a dry laugh. "What kind of a person hums to being cut open?"
"What kind of a person cuts open his friend?"
"Shinra, I am holding your life in my hands."
"Izaya… you shouldn't be allowed to even try and comfort people."
"Who said I was trying?"
A banter as normal as ever, yet their voices were strained. Izaya dragged the blade, going deeper and cutting with feigned confidence. His left hand tightened its grasp on Shinra's arm to keep him still when he twitched; the deeper he cut, the more painful it was, the less the anesthetic worked. His eyes narrowed and could see Shinra use his good hand to grab a rag, balling it up and biting down hard to muffle his screams. His knees were beginning to ache but he refused to focus on that; even to him, it would be selfish to want to complain about the pain of kneeling when Shinra's arm was being sliced open.
There was blood; there was so much blood. It spilled everywhere, crept towards Izaya and threatened his pants. He'd seen so much blood but this was the first time he was causing it like this, that it was so close, that it was getting all over him. There was so much blood, even with the tourniquet, but Izaya knew he couldn't stop to try and tighten it.
The blade dug through flesh, but Shinra's arm jerking made it difficult. Izaya swore under his breath; he was putting more effort into keeping Shinra still than trying to cut to bone. "Stop jerking around so much…!" he snarled, but Shinra's only answer was the muffled screams.
Swearing again, Izaya turned away as blood squirted, specks landing on his cheek. The blood made it difficult to grasp both his arm and the scalpel and for a terrifying moment, Izaya thought he was going to lose his grasp, but then a warm hand was on top of his.
Eyes opening, Izaya froze and turned to see Shizuo kneeling on the other side of Shinra. One hand was over Izaya's and the other on Shinra's shoulder, tried to keep the limb as still as he could. Shizuo looked pained; Izaya could see it flicker in his eyes, hidden by bangs that were longer than normal. And for a moment, he looked down at Shinra, at his arm, at Izaya's blade and froze. But as quickly as it happened, it was over and he looked up and Izaya had to commend him on his bravery.
Mind over matter.
"Well?!" he growled and Izaya felt Shizuo's fingers tightened their grip on both his hand and Shinra's arm. "The fuck you waitin' for?! Go!"
Staring for a moment longer, Izaya gave a curt nod. He pulled his hand out from under Shizuo's and focused fully on the scalpel in his hand, on cutting as close to the bone as he could. A part of him hoped that Shinra would just pass out from the pain, but he was also grateful he was conscious; it would be only too easy for Shinra to slip from unconscious to dead and being awake was the only way Izaya could guarantee he was still alive.
"Keep him still as best you can," Izaya gasped, pulling back to change from scalpel to bone saw. "This is going to hurt a lot more than cutting through flesh. Shinra, do not pass out."
Izaya was truly impressed Shizuo had kept his word and come down to help him. He wouldn't have blamed him if he stayed upstairs with Celty. But, Izaya remembered suddenly, this was different from with the others, where Shizuo stayed in the RV.
This was the chance to save someone.
"The fuck's that?!"
"Shizu-chan, you honestly thought a scalpel was enough to—"
"Stop fuckin' talking, he's losin' a shitton of blood!"
"Use the bone saw to cut through bone. It would be easiest at the elbow but there'll probably be too much blood for you to know where it is," Shinra explained, unable to help from wincing as he said that. "And then… I don't think you'd be skilled enough to close it normally. Then… just cauterize the wound. Get a piece of metal, heat it up, press it to the end. Don't hold it there too long and burn off whatever's left. Do it in short intervals."
"On a scale of one to ten," Izaya said quietly, wiping the counter down for the sixth time. "How difficult is this?"
"For me? I'd say a five or six. For you?"
Shinra sighed.
"…Don't kill me, Izaya."
"What're you waitin' for?!"
Izaya didn't even realize he was stalling. Suddenly, staring at the still writhing arm in the pool of blood, Izaya couldn't bring himself to lower the blade. Every second was precious, every second meant more blood was being lost. And yet he was frozen; he couldn't even breathe, was only acutely aware of what he had done, what he had to do, of Shinra still screaming, rag not nearly enough.
Shizuo's hands were covered in blood and both of their shirts were soaked. Izaya forced a breath; it came out as a gasp and though he managed to move his fingers, he couldn't move his arms.
"Izaya! IZAYA!"
Shizuo's voice jolted him from his trance and he looked up, didn't care that Shizuo would be able to see the fear in his expression.
"Izaya," he repeated, his voice strong, serious, strained. "You have to do this. You can do this. Just turn off your goddamn brain and do it; that's what you pride yourself on, isn't it? Shit like that? Fuckin' do it."
Three seconds passed.
Three seconds where Izaya stared at Shizuo and Shizuo stared at Izaya.
Three seconds where Izaya wondered where Shizuo had that sudden resolve and determination.
Three seconds where Shizuo's confidence calmed Izaya.
After three seconds, he nodded.
"Yeah."
Both hands now free, Izaya was able to put his entire weight into the saw. Izaya had never broken a bone, so he could only wonder what this pain was like. Shinra had told him that amputating at the elbow would be the easiest, but there was so much blood and Izaya had no idea if he was near the elbow. The moment the teeth scraped across it, Shinra's head threw back, his back arched, and the rag fell from his mouth. Shizuo's strength was enough to keep his arm still, but that didn't deter any of Shinra's screaming. Celty had to have been able to hear it and it was so loud it made Izaya's ears ring, but he concentrated on the task at hand. He wanted to get it over with as soon as possible, desperately wished there had been more anesthetic, that they had thought to stock up on that during the first few blissful days when they were setting up their new abode.
Izaya didn't know how long it took; all he knew was that the moment the blade met the floor, he was so relieved. But he immediately moved over to the fire he had started in a trash can; a spare piece of scrap metal was heated up, hand shaking despite his best efforts. Shinra's breathing was shallow; he'd stopped screaming and was laying still, weakly lifting his arm to rest over his forehead, eyes closed, but chest still rising and falling with every breath.
Izaya hurried back and cauterized the wound as best he could, tried to quell the nausea he felt. Compared to what he'd just done, this was the least strenuous. Shizuo winced; he started to look away but Izaya instructed him in a tight voice to start unraveling bandages and getting gauze ready.
Once the wound was cauterized enough, the two disinfected the area as best they could before wrapping it up. Miraculously, Shinra was still conscious; Shizuo silently carried him upstairs and Celty collapsed onto her knees upon seeing him. He gave a tired smirk, mumbled 'see, I'm still alive?' and turned to Izaya after.
Shizuo had left; Celty was next to him, trembling awfully. Izaya began to leave as well, wanted to burn what he was wearing and throw up, but Shinra beckoned him with a soft call of his name. He hesitated but approached him and crouched down.
Shinra's face was pale; he looked exhausted and he looked awful. But he was alive and he smiled, weak and slight but still a smile, eyes softening as he looked at Izaya.
"Thank you."
june 22, 8:51 p.m.
"It's not his fault, Celty. Really… if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't have been able to do anything better."
Even Shinra told him it wasn't his fault, but Izaya felt like he was the direct reason that he was dying.
Infection had set in. It had always been a possibility, but a part of Izaya had believed that if Shinra survived the amputation, then he'd be fine. He still couldn't look at his hands without seeing the blood and whenever Shizuo saw him staring, he'd reach out to take them in his, mumbling stop. You saved his life.
"He's dying," Izaya spat. Not even twenty-four hours had passed, but Shinra was burning up. Celty had been the one to inform them; Izaya was in the kitchen, making Shinra something to eat when she showed him her PDA, hand shaking.
"Not because of you."
"Of course it's because of me, you stupid brute!" Izaya snapped, turning around and glaring. A hand reached up to run through his hair and he gave an almost crazed, hollow laugh. After reading her message, Izaya had breathed 'I see' and walked out of the apartment, ignoring Celty trying to stop him with shadows (certainly being able to just walk out because Shizuo stopped her.) He followed him just a few moments later and found Izaya pacing in the street.
"I let him go near that zombie! I cut his arm off! I didn't disinfect enough, I let him lose too much blood because of my hesitance, I didn't cauterize properly, I didn't bandage properly, I let my guard down and let him go near that goddamn zombie!"
"He would've gone regardless," Shizuo said quietly, brow knit. "…He wanted you to. He asked you too. Look, Izaya… it's not your fault, okay? You… did everything you did. That was the most selfless I've ever seen you. It's not your fault. You can't… you can't blame yourself for this."
He looked up tiredly.
"…We can't lose two of you at once."
"You'll be reanimated when you die. I'm not sure if your infection is from the bite or the amputation. It might've spread before I…"
He trailed off but Shinra nodded. Izaya's voice was flat, cold, monotonous. His gaze was fixated on anything, everything except on Shinra.
"So to avoid you reanimating when you die…"
"Okay."
"We can either… now. Or when you…"
"Not now. Izaya, look at me."
Fingers curling, Izaya's eyes narrowed. He moved to stand, mumbling that he'd get Shinra more water, but his hand on his stopped his movements immediately. Izaya's breath hitched but he sat back down, still refusing to look at him. His hand was warm; his hand was uncomfortably warm and Izaya didn't want to look down to see emptiness where the other should've have been because his mind would instantly replace it with blood.
"Hey, Izaya… you know I don't blame you, right?"
"Have you told Celty that?" he asked curtly, standing and walking out before giving Shinra a chance to say anything else.
Celty avoided him and when she couldn't, Izaya half expected for a shadow to wrap around his neck and kill him slowly and agonizingly when his back was turned. Despite what Shizuo and Shinra said and felt, Celty clearly felt otherwise. In her eyes, it was all his fault: for proposing the idea, for executing it, for not executing it well. She'd blame herself for not being fast enough to stop the zombie but she'd also blame Izaya because it was Izaya.
Because everything bad would boil down to Izaya.
It took days for the fever to claim Shinra's life. He spent his last few days with Celty, though all three did what they could to help him. He'd made the choice to let the fever take his life; he wanted to spend as much time as he could with Celty. "Maybe that's selfish," he'd said with a shrug, "to prolong it… but that's what I want."
Shinra passed away with his head in Celty's lap and fingers intertwined with hers. Shizuo and Izaya sat next to each other, one of the few times they did and said nothing, and were silent as Celty's body was wracked with noiseless sobs, shoulders hunched and shaking, hands grasping Shinra's. He almost looked like he was asleep, Izaya thought, with how peaceful he looked, how silent he was.
As the king of delusions, Izaya probably could have believed Shinra was just sleeping if he didn't need to keep a clear mind.
"…We have to do it before he reanimates."
Shizuo brought him outside. His body was wrapped in a blanket and Shizuo carried him, expression void of any emotion. They made their way to the park again and brought a shovel, Izaya concealing his gun in his pocket. The walk was entirely silent and Celty mercilessly sent shadows to take care of any lingering zombies. She was like Shizuo, Izaya noted. She'd killed them before, but now that someone close to her had died because of them, the way she attacked them was more emotionless, more rigid, and yet, more angry.
She, too, was becoming a fighting machine.
Once they found a good spot, Shizuo set Shinra's body down and nodded, taking a step back. Izaya took a deep breath and pulled the gun out from his pocket, undoing the safety. He's still dead, Izaya thought, swallowing. He's still dead… it won't hurt.
And then, it hit him:
Why Shizuo had been so upset about Kasuka.
How even though he was a zombie, he'd been moving; he'd been dead, but also alive.
Izaya killed him.
It was informally decided Izaya would be the one to make sure Shinra wouldn't come back as a zombie and even if he wanted to argue it, Celty would probably force him to do it and then kill him after. A part of Izaya had accepted it without much of a fight; it was his fault, he still felt, and this was his punishment.
He had killed his only friend.
It weighed on him, made him nauseous. He hadn't eaten properly in days, hardly slept. He hated how much this affected him; he wondered that, if situations were reversed, if Shinra would be entirely fine with this. He probably would be; Celty would be only too glad to ensure his death and Shinra would cut him up.
"Hey, Izaya… you know I don't blame you, right?"
Were you lying?
Taking another deep breath, Izaya lifted the gun, like so many times in the past.
Except that this time, his hands were shaking and he just couldn't pull the trigger. His numbness had evaporated at the moment it would've been the most useful and it took everything Izaya had to not drop the weapon and stagger back. Reality seemed to wash over him and he became hyper-alert to the air, the smell, the feeling. Everything, especially Shinra's lifeless body and his gun that was pointed at it. A wave of nausea came over him and he immediately turned away, stumbled a few steps before dry heaving—as there was nothing to throw up.
He couldn't do it, no matter how hard he tried, how he kept reminding himself it was his fault, how many times he told himself he'd count to three and pull but always stop at two. It seemed physically impossible for him to pull the trigger and he wondered how he'd been so easily to do it before.
Because he knew Kadota.
He knew Namie.
He knew Kasuka.
But Shinra was different. Shinra was his only friend.
His only friend.
A sudden wave of terrifying loneliness washed over him and Izaya couldn't do it. Not now, not in ten minutes; he couldn't be the one to shoot his one and only friend. His fingers curled, nails scraping against the rough bark of the tree as he straightened with difficulty, knowing the other two were watching.
"…I can't do it," he said finally and took a step back, turning around and swallowing. "…I can't."
He couldn't tell what Celty felt, but there was a flicker in Shizuo's eyes and he gave a short nod, completely opposite of the snappy 'why the hell not?' Izaya had expected.
Shizuo had changed a little too. He was more patient with Izaya.
But only a little.
Celty tapped at her PDA and held it up.
Then who is!?
"I can't," Izaya repeated and swallowed thickly, pocketing the gun. He didn't care how he appeared; he felt pathetic, he knew he was pathetic, but appearances weren't important enough to overcome how he felt at the moment.
Because even Izaya had feelings.
"I don't want to kill someone," Shizuo muttered and Celty was trembling even before she held up her 'I can't.'
You've killed people before, haven't you?! she typed next, screen shown to Izaya.
"…That was different," Izaya said quietly. "This is Shinra."
Shizuo was silent, just gave staunch rejections whenever either of them did so much as look at him. His hands were in his pockets and he focused on the ground because looking anywhere else ended up seeing Shinra's dead body, sending his stomach lurching and feeling uneasy. Celty and Izaya kept arguing; the woman insisted that Izaya do it, because he was Shinra's friend, the same way Izaya insisted Celty do it, because she was Shinra's lover.
"You're closer to him" and "that's why I can't."
"He'd want you to" and "no, he'd want you."
"I can't, he was my lover" and "I can't, he was my only friend."
They'd look to Shizuo and he'd look back tiredly.
"…I can't kill a person."
Of all the things the three would argue about before the world went to hell, who would be the one to kill Shinra was never one of them. Izaya and Shizuo had their issues with Shinra, both finding him relatively annoying. Even Celty did too, at times. But Shinra was Shinra. Shinra was their connecting glue; he was why Shizuo and Izaya met, he was why Celty and Izaya had to deal with each other, he was why Shizuo and Celty were able to meet and become friends.
Shinra was annoying, but Shinra was Shinra.
They couldn't kill him. They could each kill and all of them had, but Shinra was Shinra.
Celty and Izaya were still arguing when Shizuo's eyes rose, looking around before naturally gravitating towards where Shinra's body was. And at first, he resisted, believed that if he convinced himself and didn't look directly at it, then he wouldn't have to look at him. And it worked; from the corner of his eyes, he couldn't see the body.
It made him feel relieved before he realized that it wasn't that he couldn't see the body.
It was that the body wasn't there.
Brown eyes turned to the exact location Shinra had been and his mouth went dry, seeing that he wasn't there. His heart skipped a beat, leaping in his chest and he looked around.
"Shit…"
His swear was a whisper at first, too horrified at what he realized. But he soon regained control of his voice and he was yelling over them, eyes wide as he was staring. Izaya stared at him, brow knit, but then he followed Shizuo's gaze and his eyes widened, understanding immediately. Celty's shoulders rose before the smoke tendrils were curling faster, showing her agitation.
"…We split up," Izaya said, taking a moment to gather himself, readopt his act. "We find him. He's not human now, so when we find him… don't think of him as Shinra. There's no arguing about who. If you see him… it, you kill it."
Celty was visibly distraught but Shizuo nodded, though he still looked uneasy. Izaya kept his eyes focused on the ground for a moment longer before looking up again; he'd gotten used to raising his defense on command, he'd been doing it for years. Izaya turned his cold gaze on the other two, voice just above a murmur. "He's a zombie now. The Shinra that we know is gone, so when you find him… it. When you find the zombie, just kill it without thinking twice, all right?"
Izaya stared at Shizuo, eyes narrowing.
"I might not be right there like I was for Kasuka."
Shizuo cleared his throat, swallowing painfully. "I understand."
"Celty?"
She was still shaking and Shizuo gave a sigh, put his hand on her shoulder. She flinched at first before her helmet gave a nod, but Shizuo kept staring at her, frowning slightly. "I'll go with you."
Immediately, she shook her head and took a moment to tap at her PDA and hold it up.
I'll be all right. We need to find him as soon as possible.
Izaya gave a nod and he gave a smirk, but it was empty and hollow, only just concealing what he was feeling. Orihara Izaya was a man who never let anyone know what he felt, not unless he wanted them to (and he never did want to.) But it wasn't that hard to know that he felt exactly what Shizuo and Celty were feeling, just thinking about the idea of having to hunt down Shinra:
Fear.
june 23, 1:37 a.m.
The city was pretty big, but Shinra couldn't have gotten very far, both because of time and his new state of being.
The three had separated and Izaya was patrolling the streets, gun secured against the small of his back and holding his knife instead. He stayed in the shadows and was surprised that he didn't see as many zombies as he had been expecting to. The city was like a ghost town and he wondered just what had to have happened if there were neither the undead nor dead. Maybe they had all fled upon hearing what was happening in Tokyo, Izaya thought, but he wasn't sure where they had all gone. Going towards Tokyo wouldn't make sense, but there weren't very many other places to go.
Ah… I don't have time to be thinking about this.
Giving another sigh, he found that he was close to a department store that he and Shizuo had gone to on one occasion. It had been one of their later runs, when they weren't as desperate for food, just decided to get out of the apartment.
They'd taken a shopping cart and filled it up, pleased with what they found. Liquor, clothes, sheets, curtains, bedding, pillows, even home décor. It was one of the more high-end stores and the things that they got weren't really necessities, but they were certainly nice to have. They took their time and strolled around, each having a cart, meeting back up at the entrance.
Izaya's cart was filled with high end products, expensive alcohol and things that he'd been used to having in his every day life. He took one look at Shizuo's basket and sighed.
"…It looks like Shizu-chan's trying to create a pillow fort."
"Oi. Memory form shit is good."
The one useful thing Shizuo had gotten as pots and pans, along with dishes and utensils. They stopped by the cash register and Izaya watched in amusement as Shizuo tried counting the little cash he had left, giving an annoyed grunt and just leaving all of it on the counter, mumbling 'sorry, it's probably a little short.'
"A bit? Try a few hundred thousand yen…"
"Shut up. I don't see you payin'."
"That's right. I should also carry around pieces of paper that now have absolutely no meaning to them whatsoever—"
"Shut up!"
Izaya wasn't sure how long ago it was, but it felt like forever. Even earlier that week, when they were happy, felt forever ago. All that felt real and recent were memories he didn't want and couldn't go to sleep without seeing flicker over the back of his eyelids like a broken movie player. What had felt too good to be true was too good to be true, and now he couldn't even remember it.
He actually missed that peaceful domestic life that was boring, but a relief.
Pressing his back to a wall, Izaya peered around the corner, only to be met with another empty street. He frowned; Shinra had always had the annoying habit of disappearing and he dryly wished he'd asked Celty to just keep him in her shadows forever. It would be easier to find him.
It.
Tensing when he heard something, Izaya turned around immediately, knife raised in preparation. But he was relieved to see that it was just a bird and relaxed, shaking his head at his own paranoia. He heard another sound and turned faster because it was the sound of shoes scarping against ground. His knife very nearly pressed to Shizuo's skin as he held his hands up instantly, glaring slightly at him.
"Oi, Izaya. It's me."
"…Shizu-chan."
Izaya gave a small sigh of relief and nodded, lowering his hands, murmuring 'at least call out my name, yeah?' Shizuo shrugged and his hands returned to rest in his pockets as he and Izaya continued to head the direction he originally was walking in. Nope was the answer to any leads? and Izaya just gave a nod.
"How do you think Celty's faring?"
"She'll probably be able to find him before us," Izaya murmured easily. "She has Shooter, after all, and most probably a heightened sense. Ah, and she is Shinra's lover, so—"
"No," Shizuo cut off plainly. "…I mean with Shinra dying."
"Ah."
Izaya shrugged, brow knit again and uncomfortable with the direction Shizuo steered the topic. He still felt nauseous; he still felt that tightness in his chest and couldn't stop thinking. He wanted to stop, so badly, but he couldn't.
"Terribly. Probably similarly to how Shizu-chan felt because of Kasuka," he answered simply, airily. Easily.
Shizuo's eyes narrowed but he didn't say anything, knowing Izaya was most likely right.
Izaya looked a lot better than he had been, compared to Shizuo. In contrast to earlier, there was a strange calm surrounding Izaya, the softer, gentler, slightly more human Orihara Izaya had vanished in just a single second. Shizuo didn't know how he did it after days of being as close to a break down as Shizuo had seen him. In the face of adversity, it was either great strength or great weakness that allowed him to draw up his mask again.
There were times Shizuo thought he could get along with Izaya, but remembering he had this capability, he decided that he definitely couldn't.
"Why are you like this?" Shizuo asked quietly and Izaya glanced over his shoulder, an eyebrow arching.
"Like what?"
"…This. You never show what you feel. You just… act how you want others to think you're feeling. Why do you hate being human so much?"
"Now, who said I hated humans…? In fact, Shizu-chan—"
"Not humans," Shizuo interrupted, stilling. "Your humanity. Why do you reject it?"
Izaya had ceased walking when Shizuo did, though he waited a moment before turning around to face him. He looked slightly annoyed, had that scowl and wrinkling of his nose. But his expression returned to his arrogant smirk quickly and he even tilted his head. "My… Shizu-chan's more observant than I give him credit for. How annoying."
Like habit, like clockwork, those words, that phrasing tumbled from his lips.
"Like that," Shizuo snarled, fists clenching. "You were different the past few days. You were actually someone tolerable. And now… now, when Celty and I probably need you to be a decent fuckin' human being more than ever, you go back to the shitfaced flea! Why can't you act human and stay human?! People are dying left and right and you… it's like you want to be like those monsters and feel nothing! I don't understand you!"
"I think Shizu-chan understands me."
Shizuo was surprised but his expression hardly flickered. He just stared at him, waiting for Izaya to continue. The man took his time, looked around, like he was admiring the weather. Shizuo was close to uprooting the nearest trash can and flinging it at him, just like old times; even that thought made Shizuo feel oddly reminiscent.
"I think Shizu-chan understands me," Izaya repeated softly and looked at him, gaze distant and cold. "It's just that Shizu-chan won't accept me."
Shizuo seemed surprised at his words, but a movement caught his attention. Looking past Izaya, the informant was able to tell that something had happened and he turned. Shinra stumbled out from behind the next corner, feet dragging against the ground. He turned to them slowly, most probably drawn to their scent, and it was strange how, on one hand, he looked like Shinra, but on the other, the glassed eyes and pale skin was a giveaway.
Shizuo immediately took a step back, but Izaya took his knife out and raised it, swallowing thickly.
If there was one thing that Shizuo could genuinely thank Izaya for, it would be never forcing him to kill anyone.
"Shizu-chan should look away, yeah? I'm not sure if Shizu-chan will be able to keep his sanity from another dead body…"
He said it in a mocking tone but Shizuo was aware that this was Izaya's kindness, disguised under his normal personality. It seemed a little sliver of humanity couldn't help but show itself now and then, unable to stay entirely hidden after everything they'd been through.
Shizuo nodded, but he hadn't turned away entirely when he caught movement in the corner of his gaze, eyes widening and turning to see Celty. She was silent, as she always was, but a gloved hand reached out and shadows seemed to explode. Izaya blinked, expression immediately scowling when one of them curled round his wrist, preventing him from moving or using his knife. Another shadow, a much larger one, wrapped itself around Shinra and enclosed him. Izaya gave a frustrated sigh and Shizuo stepped forward, frowning. "Celty… he can't die from suffocation."
"Shizu-chan, I'm sure she knows that."
Shadow left in place, to Izaya's immense displeasure, he passed the time waiting for her to finish typing by watching the shadow ball. He heard the sounds of struggle from Izaya and could just barely make out groans. Izaya's eyes narrowed, turning back to Celty. "Celty. We can't leave him in there."
We can't kill him!
Shizuo and Izaya exchanged looks, one of the very few times they both had the same thought, the same realization, the same decisions. Izaya gave a curt nod and let Shizuo be the one to step forward, reaching a hand out tentatively to put on her shoulder. Celty flinched at the mere brush of his fingers and Shizuo grunted when he found himself suspended in the air, Izaya watching nonchalantly.
"Celty," he said, knowing she was listening. "Celty, look… that's not Shinra anymore, all right? I know what you're feeling. I do. I… saw Kasuka. Just like that. He was walking towards me, except he was a zombie… but seeing him, I couldn't think straight. All I saw was Kasuka and I thought that I could bring him back. Because he's family. I love him. And you can never just accept that the people you love have died."
Celty's gloved hands were holding her helmet, back hunched and entire body trembling. Izaya just watched; he was very well aware that anything he say could result in one of her shadows wrapping around his mouth, and so he kept it closed at his own volition. A chief difference between Shizuo and Celty, he thought, was that she had shadows. But aside from their, their reactions were similar.
Both very, very human.
The Dullahan was more human than he was.
(Or cared to admit.)
"Celty," Shizuo repeated quietly, "there's nothing you can do except end it. Look… do you think Shinra would want to be like this? To attack us? To attack you? Shinra isn't here anymore… it's just a monster using his body. You can't reverse it."
Celty was still for a few seconds before slowly moving, fingers lacking their normal energy as they typed out her message for Shizuo.
Did you kill Kasuka?
He froze and averted his eyes.
"…Izaya did. But that was because he was going to attack me."
Then don't tell me to kill Shinra.
Had it been the other way around, Shizuo was sure that he'd react the way she did. Namie had been angry, the way he had been at Izaya; being on the other side of things, Shizuo had a new perspective, but also kept the old one, remembered the way he had felt. He sighed. "Put me down, Celty."
She obliged, shadows gently lowering Shizuo before they disappeared. His feet planted on the ground firmly and he waited a moment before approaching her. Shizuo's hands took her shoulders gently and pulled her close into an embrace. Izaya stared at them, giving a sigh and looking away, stared at the shadow ball that Shinra was in.
Ikebukuro's two monsters.
How ironic that the ones called the monsters were probably some of the most human in the entire city…
He tugged at the shadow on his arm but it remained stubborn and he frowned.
He wasn't sure how long it was but Shizuo let go of her eventually, mumbled something and Izaya was relieved for full control of his arm. He rubbed his wrist where it had been bound and glanced at Shizuo. "Do you want him to do it?" the bodyguard asked quietly.
Celty held up her PDA.
Do you regret him doing it?
"…I don't regret him saving my life, but… I do think it would've been better for me to. If I was able to."
But you're his brother.
"Exactly."
Celty was still for several moments and somehow, the silence was even more all encompassing. She gave a nod and Shizuo stepped back to join Izaya, sighing. "…You can put your knife away," he said quietly.
Like what Shizuo had said about Izaya, Izaya could say the same thing about Shizuo. This Shizuo was calmer and more patient, even more understanding. Especially with Izaya. It had been the first time he'd directly talked about what happened with Kasuka and he didn't sound angry at all. Izaya didn't need a 'thank you' but Shizuo understanding that he was right in what he did was enough.
It was even more than enough. Izaya was surprised that Shizuo was capable of this kind of maturity.
Shizu-chan just keeps surprising me…
How annoying.
"Impressive, the way you were able to convince her."
He shrugged.
"I know how she feels and I know how you feel."
The shadow ball disappeared with one movement of Celty's hand and the two men watched. Her wrist flicked and there was a sharp shadow, shaking as Shinra was approaching her slowly.
Izaya's hand tightened around the gun in his pocket, just in case.
Shizuo didn't move at all.
Later, Izaya could ask how Shizuo was so sure and he'd answer because we'd do anything for family.
Shizuo looked away, but Izaya watched the shadow pierce cleanly through Shinra's forehead, his body slumping to the ground a second time in front of them.
I'm sorry, Shinra.
june 27, 10:42 p.m.
"You have somewhere to go?"
"You should, Celty. You don't have to stay for us."
"We'll be okay."
"Go somewhere you'll be safe."
If Shizuo's way of coping was killing as many zombies as he could, Celty's was almost entirely opposite. She went back with them but locked herself in the room she'd shared with Shinra. Not needing to eat or sleep, not having any sort of obligation to do anything to stay alive, Shizuo and Izaya let her be, didn't have to pester her about anything. One was at home all the time (almost always Shizuo) and the other would go out to make sure their kitchen was still stocked with enough food for just the two of them.
Izaya had heard the conversation one night. He wasn't sure how Shizuo had convinced Celty to open the door, but he had and he was in there, talking to her in a low voice.
The selfish part of Izaya wanted to pull Shizuo out and demand what he was doing, snap at him. Celty was protection. Celty had her shadows and her immortality and her immunity, an immunity far better than Izaya's. Celty protected them, protected Shizuo who protected him. To Izaya, Celty was another layer of protection.
But the little growing human part of Izaya knew better than to say that, because he'd just get yelled at. And it wasn't as if Celty would even consider anything he had to say.
And, at the same time, Izaya wasn't desperate enough.
Something had changed. Orihara Izaya, who was willing to start a whole war to reach Valhalla for a painless death on his own terms, seemed to not be too bothered that his only guarantee to that sort of a death was on the verge of leaving. He left the door and went to the kitchen instead, was drinking a glass of water slowly when Shizuo came out. He looked over and Shizuo stared at him tiredly.
"You heard, right?"
"Shizu-chan's voice is rather loud…" he sighed and turned away. "So…"
"…She's leaving."
Celty left that night, coming out only to say a courteous farewell to Izaya. He gave a nod in return and poured himself another glass of water. He didn't have a strong emotional attachment to Celty. He'd lost the one person he would have called a friend and the only other person left who he felt strongly towards was the person he hated.
Shizuo gave her another hug and Izaya wondered when Heiwajima Shizuo had become so confident in controlling his own strength that he'd hug someone. But this was Celty Sturluson; maybe it was because she wasn't human that he didn't have fears about wrapping his arms around her.
"I wonder where she's going…"
"Another world, probably. Valhalla? Maybe America. Who knows? Aah, the possibilities could be nearly endless for her."
Izaya's easygoing voice didn't match his lifeless, drained expression.
She disappeared into the sky and Shizuo lingered by the window until she wasn't facing their apartment anymore. The woman's signature cat helmet was left in his possession and Shizuo gave a sigh as he looked at it, ran his fingers over the pointed ears. Izaya came into the room a bit after and closed the window, watching him with half lidded eyes, waiting for him to speak.
"…She didn't die, but it feels like I lost her anyway."
Izaya gave a dry smirk and crouched down to be closer to eye level to him.
"Isn't it odd, Shizu-chan?"
Shizuo looked up.
"We started out just the two of us, and now we're going to end with just the two of us. What a surreal feeling… realizing my fate is intertwined with Shizu-chan's."
Giving a sigh, Izaya tilted his head back to be able to look up the way Shizuo had. Celty wasn't visible anymore; he couldn't see her, wasn't even sure which way she'd gone. Didn't know where she was going, how long it would take to get there. Didn't know how long she'd grieve for.
Eternity was a long time to be miserable.
"But…"
Izaya's voice was low, broke through the silence and when he and Shizuo made eye contact again, Izaya's smile was hollow, empty, broken, and hopeless.
"There's no such thing as a happy ending."
.notes: happy (early) halloween! i'm sorry, shinra…