A/N: I know this fic is a bit of a downer right now. Trust me when I say that as depressing as it is to read, it's ten times more depressing to write. You know how you can help me with that, though? Write me reviews. Reviews make me happy. :-) This chapter is a bit of calm before the storm of funeral stuff. Our favorite couple is making progress, though, and they will emerge better off from all of this, so stick with me!
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Derek dropped his CVS bag off on an old wooden bench in the foyer and followed the sound of Meredith's voice to the den. He had no interest in saying "hello" to his sisters or anyone else that was in the house at the moment, and from the number of cars in the driveway, he knew that everyone was there. The only person that he wanted to see was Meredith. Everyone else could wait.
Meredith sat on the floor with several of Derek's nieces and a small army of Barbie dolls. Regan and Nancy's youngest daughter, Elizabeth, were twisting and tying Meredith's long hair in a style that looked like a cross between braids and a French twist. Wisps of hair were falling out everywhere, and the style was haphazardly secured with an assortment of pink ribbons and bows, most of which were undoubtedly intended for use on their dolls. Meredith didn't seem to mind having the girls play with her hair, however, and she occupied herself by helping Cate and Julie prepare Barbie and her friends for their impending dates with Ken and his posse. Meredith was apparently the fashion and hair consultant, and the girls were delighted to have her assistance.
Derek stood in the doorway, watching silently as the girls continued playing. Meredith seemed pretty relaxed which made him feel relieved. He was happy to see her playing with his sisters' children, and he was particularly comforted by her not seeming terribly upset anymore. At least, she wasn't so upset that she had stormed off or isolated herself. That was better than he expected.
"Uncle Derek!" Cate finally announced as she noticed her uncle standing in the doorway.
Meredith turned around, startled. Her eyes locked with his, and she immediately looked concerned and apprehensive. Her body tensed slightly, and the smile that she wore when she was alone with the kids evaporated.
"Hi," Derek said gently.
"Do you like her hair? We've been trying to make her pretty for you," Regan announced as she continued to run a brush through the many tangles the girls had created. Meredith was being incredibly patient as her hair was tugged and pulled in all directions.
"She always looks very pretty to me," Derek replied. His voice was soft and genuine – nothing like the bitter tones he lobbed at Meredith hours earlier. He smiled weakly at Meredith, his eyes broadcasting apologies and love in a language only she could translate.
Meredith relaxed a little and smiled back. Her shoulders dropped, and she passed the Barbie back to Julie so her hands could be free in her lap. It was clear that she was preparing to break away from the kids soon so she could be with Derek, but the girls had no intention of letting her leave so easily.
Cate got up and ran over to Derek, slipping her eight-year-old hand into his, and pulled him back towards Meredith and the other girls. "Do you want to see our Barbies? Meredith has been helping us," Cate insisted in a way that made it impossible for Derek to say no.
"Yeah, show me," he replied. He winked at Meredith and walked across the room so he could sit on the floor next to her. Their backs were leaning against a sofa, but there was still enough room for him to slip his arm around Meredith's lower back and pull her close to him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear just before kissing her sweetly on the cheek.
She turned and looked at him, her eyes tired and sad but understanding. She opened her mouth as though she wanted to say something, but she quickly closed it, opting instead to nod her head. She certainly wasn't going to press him to say more than that. She would wait until he volunteered information, but she knew she couldn't make him talk to her no matter how much they both needed the communication.
Derek served as an audience to his nieces' Barbie fashion show for about ten minutes, oohing and aahing over the various ensembles and hair designs so all four girls could feel proud of their runway efforts. Meredith giggled occasionally as he gave specific feedback about the styles or suggested new combinations of colors or outfits based on the dolls' hair or eye colors. It was abundantly clear that he had lots of practice with this routine after growing up in a house full of girls, and his eyes sparkled every time he turned them towards Meredith. We could have this for ourselves. We could be great parents together.
When Derek finally decided that he had enough of Barbie couture, he lifted his tired body off the floor and pulled Meredith up with him. A flurry of pink ribbons fell out of her hair with the movement, and the lopsided hairstyle started to unravel into the typical flowing locks that framed her face.
Meredith stared at Derek, trying to deduce his plan for escape.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" he asked her in a hushed tone so the girls wouldn't overhear him.
"Um, sure. Let me run upstairs and grab a coat," Meredith responded. She started combing her fingers through her hair as she walked briskly towards the stairs.
"We'll play more later, okay?" Derek announced as he turned his attention back towards his nieces. They were completely absorbed in their own little fantasy world, so they barely noticed that Uncle Derek was leaving them.
"Okay," Regan responded without even looking up.
Derek smiled and walked back towards the foyer so he could wait for Meredith.
"I thought I heard you sneak back in earlier. You're not even bothering to say hi anymore?" Nancy stood in the doorway between the foyer and the dining room, leaning against the archway with her arms crossed. She looked tired but concerned.
"I'm on my way out again," Derek answered. He was still frustrated with the decision about the autopsy, and he didn't want to invite Nancy to restart that conversation.
"I see. With Meredith?" Nancy asked. Her voice was somewhat sharp and judgmental, and it wasn't difficult for Derek to deduce that she still wasn't completely sold on his relationship.
Derek nodded. "We're going to go for a walk."
"You see her all the time…"
"And I'd like to keep it that way," Derek interrupted before she could finish her thought. He wasn't in the mood to be guilted into staying.
"We never see you, Derek," Nancy continued, obviously undeterred by Derek's not at all subtle effort to stop the conversation.
Derek sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, massaging his head slowly as he stood there waiting and wondering what could possibly be taking Meredith so long. "I really just…We'll talk. I promise. I'll be here for a week. I just…I could use some fresh air and I've already abandoned Meredith long enough for today. I don't trust you guys with her," he explained.
Nancy grunted a little, implying that she was offended by Derek's comment. "I don't know why you would say something like that," she blubbered.
Derek rolled his steely blue eyes. "Give me a break. You, especially, have never been particularly welcoming of Meredith. You have gone to great lengths to encourage a reconciliation with Addison – and trust me, it will never happen. Meredith is it for me, so you need to get used to that."
"Whatever makes you happy," Nancy replied in a manner that sounded less than genuine. She shifted her weight a little and leaned back against the archway. Her foot tapped a little impatiently, and her arms remained crossed in front of her body as she waited with Derek.
"Right," Derek mumbled sarcastically. He could hear Meredith approaching the stairwell, and he turned his attention back towards the steps so he could watch her descend towards him. The pinched annoyance he felt towards Nancy fell from his eyes as he saw Meredith wearing her chocolate brown sweater and navy wool coat. She had clearly brushed her hair, making sure that all of the tangles and clips from the girls' hairstyling efforts were removed. She looked fresh and beautiful, and it was all the confirmation he needed that they should spend some time together. For once, she could be the bright and shiny to his dark and twisty.
Meredith smiled tentatively at Derek, unaware that Nancy was in the room with them. "Do I need my purse or anything?" she asked as she approached the landing.
"No, we'll just walk around the lake," he replied. He walked over to Meredith and slowly ran his hand along the back of her neck, releasing some stray hairs that were tucked beneath the collar of her coat. He loved the feel of her silky strands brushing against his fingertips, and he took his time gliding his hand through her hair, making the routine gesture something much more intimate between them.
"Will you be back before dinner?" Nancy asked, interrupting the moment.
Meredith jumped at the sound of Nancy's voice, and Derek immediately took Meredith's hand in his to let her know that she would be sheltered and protected.
"Yeah, we'll be back long before then. We'll probably just be gone an hour or so," Derek replied without taking his eyes off Meredith.
Nancy retreated to the dining room without saying goodbye to them, leaving Derek relieved. He knew that if any of his family members were likely to scare Meredith off it would be his two older sisters. He just wanted to get her out of the house and alone with him so he could try to smooth things over. He still felt guilty about how he stormed off earlier, and he sensed that she was still somewhat slightly nervous about being around him.
Derek escorted Meredith out the front door and down the cement steps that led to the driveway. The air was warmer from the early afternoon sun, but the temperature was still cool overall – typical for the season when leaves changed from lush greens to vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows before toppling to the ground. It was his favorite time of year, and he intentionally shuffled his feet against the damp sidewalk so he could kick away stray leaves that had migrated from trees or nearby piles.
Meredith linked her arm around his and strolled silently next to him. Derek could hear her breathing softly, and followed her gaze down towards the ground ahead of them. She was looking straight ahead and not at him which compounded his guilt.
"I really am sorry about this morning," Derek started.
They neared the end of the driveway and turned down the street, heading further into the subdivision rather than back towards the city. The neighborhood was quiet and rarely had much traffic which made it perfect for kids to play outside or couples to take walks.
"It's okay," Meredith whispered. She buried her hands inside the pockets of her coat for extra warmth but maintained her arm linkage with Derek. "I know you're upset."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that it's okay for me to take it out on you. You haven't done anything wrong…and I'm really glad that you're here," Derek confessed.
Meredith looked over at Derek, scanning his expression for more clues on how he was feeling. "You're glad that I'm here?" she murmured, almost disbelieving.
Derek pulled his arm away from hers so he could wrap it around her shoulders. "Meredith, do you have any idea what a wreck I would be if you weren't here? Trust me, this is better."
Meredith slid her arm around Derek's waist, leaning into his warmth. Her hands gently grazed the soft cotton-cashmere sweater that he was wearing, and he leaned down to kiss her forehead delicately. He was communicating much better with actions than words right now, and he hoped that Meredith understood all of the messages he was attempting to transmit.
The couple continued to drift through the neighborhood until they came to a well-worn path near the lake. Derek steered Meredith towards it, adjusting his steps for the uneven patches of gravel and dirt as opposed to the smooth terrain of a cement sidewalk. Huge maple trees provided a wall of color on both sides of them as they walked towards what looked to be a long wooden dock over the lake. A few small fishing boats were scattered off in the water, but the dock itself seemed to be abandoned. The only sounds they heard were the occasional cries from birds and the crunching leaves beneath their feet.
"Do you want to sit for a little while?" Derek asked as the reached the dock. Its wooden planks stretched about twenty-five feet over the water, and the lake looked like a black mirror as it rippled around the dock's supports, reflecting a distorted image of the items overhead.
"Sure," Meredith responded. Her voice revealed that she was still somewhat apprehensive about being with him, and he sighed as he considered that he probably deserved it.
Derek led Meredith to the end of the dock and watched as she sat down and crossed her legs in front of her. She was looking off at the water, studying the panoramic view of the lake while Derek sat behind her. He scooted close to her body and straddled his legs around her narrow hips so he could pull her torso close to his. She leaned back against him, melting into his warm embrace as he gently tucked all of her hair towards her right shoulder, exposing her ear and neck on one side. His hands eventually settled on her lap, and she delicately interlaced her fingers with his. Her fingertips were cool, but they heated quickly against Derek's dexterous hands. He rested his head against her shoulder, occasionally kissing her exposed neck softly and fanning it with moist, warm breath as the two sat in silence and watched the peaceful stillness of the environment.
"This seems like a nice place to grow up," Meredith finally spoke, breaking the silence.
"It was," Derek responded. He inhaled and contemplated saying something more, but he decided to leave it at that. He felt more comfortable in the silence between them than trying to explain things to her.
Still, he knew that he needed to talk – to give her some sort of explanation for his behavior and the way that he lashed out at her this morning. He knew that she hadn't gone through these feelings when her mother had died, and she couldn't fathom how much of an emotional rollercoaster it was putting him on.
"I…" he paused, still working out what he should say. "When my father died…"
Meredith's head lifted up and leaned back against him, letting him know he had her complete attention. Her breathing was a little faster, and it felt like her heart was racing as she waited for him to complete his thought.
"Do you know how my father died?" Derek continued. He didn't know if anyone had told her about it. He certainly hadn't.
"Mark told me," Meredith replied softly.
Derek nodded and began tracing little designs with his fingers in the palms of her hands.
"I don't handle these things very well. I've never been able to talk about my dad with…with anyone, really. And now with Mom…I just…I hope that you don't think that I'm intentionally trying to shut you out. I don't mean to do that," Derek explained. His eyes filled with tears as he fought through many painful memories.
"Okay," Meredith whispered. "But…I'm here. If you want to talk or need anything... I won't push anymore, but you can talk to me. I want to help you get through this."
"You are helping. Just being here helps more than you could know," Derek replied thoughtfully as he squeezed her body closer to his.
"I think I would have liked to meet your mom," Meredith added honestly. She wouldn't force him to talk, but she wouldn't keep her thoughts to herself either.
"I wish you could have. I should have brought you out here sooner," Derek sighed. His voice was tinged with regret.
"Don't feel bad, Derek. If you had suggested it in these last few months, I might have said no."
Derek drew in a deep breath of crisp air and sighed. She was right – she probably wouldn't have agreed to come out with him even if he had suggested it sooner. It was a lost opportunity, but it wasn't his fault. He swallowed and fought against the tears he felt burning in his eyes.
"You really loved her, didn't you," Meredith stated. She shifted her weight a little before moving out of his grasp and turning around to face him directly. She sat on her knees and stared at him with an expression of sad concern.
"Yeah, I did," Derek replied. His voice was gravelly and full of emotion.
Meredith nodded. She looked like she was deep in thought, and she fidgeted with her hands a little as she started to speak. "This probably sounds crazy, but I wish I could have been this upset when my mom died. I didn't feel much of…anything. She was there, and then she wasn't."
Derek stared at her, surprised by her admission.
"I should have felt something more, you know? But I never did. We never had that – the thing you had with your mom," Meredith sighed and looked up at Derek. Her eyes were wide and cautious, and she looked particularly small and vulnerable with the lake stretching out behind her.
"I wish you could have had a better childhood," Derek responded. "It's not fair that your mom took so much away from you – so many experiences…"
"And left me emotionally stunted," Meredith concluded.
"You're not emotionally stunted," Derek argued.
Meredith arched her eyebrows at him skeptically.
"You're not. You're one of the most caring, compassionate, genuine individuals I've ever met. If you were emotionally stunted, you wouldn't be here right now," Derek reassured her.
Meredith shrugged, still not entirely believing him.
"I guess my point is…while I don't understand what you're going through right now, I still want to help. I…I love you," she whispered as if it was a secret confession that no one else could hear. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him in a strong embrace as she met his lips with hers.
Derek allowed himself to linger in her kiss for a few moments, tasting her minty-sweet tongue still flavored by the faintest hint of toothpaste and inhaling her lavender-scented hair. Wrapped up with her, it was possible to forget everything else, and he was tremendously grateful to have her with him. Engaged or not, she was still there and showed no propensity to leave. Not now, and hopefully, not ever.
He pulled away from her and smiled, trying to let her know how much he loved having her with him. "Thank you," he finally murmured.
"For what?" she asked, looking confused.
"For trying. I know you don't feel like you're helping much, but I really couldn't do this without you." He lifted his hand to cup her face. His fingers tangled in her hair as she turned to kiss the fleshy part of his hand below his thumb. "I couldn't do anything without you in my life."
Meredith nodded, seeming to understand, and kissed him again, this time on the lips.
Derek leaned forward and carefully guided her backwards so she ended up lying on the dock, her hair splaying out behind her as his body pressed against hers. All he wanted was to linger in her touch and listen to the water rippling beneath them. He shifted the bulk of his weight off of her, but continued kissing her tenderly in the warm sunlight that broke through the clouds. His left arm slid under her neck to form a sort of makeshift pillow and his right hand slid gently along the fabric of her sweater before resting over her sternum so he could feel the strong and steady rhythm of her heart.
Meredith pulled away and looked at him, a mischievous grin on her face. "I bet you brought all of your dates here, didn't you?" she accused playfully.
"Maybe one or two," he admitted. "But none felt as good to me as you do." He resumed kissing her, using his tongue and lips to convince her of his comment. He could feel her body squirming as she tried to align her body perfectly with his. He knew that he couldn't make love to her out in the open air of the dock – there were too many people nearby and it was still daylight – but he didn't want to stop kissing her.
Meredith groaned his name, her voice low and sensual. "We can't do this here," she confirmed.
"I know," he sighed. He stared at her thoughtfully as he played with a few wisps of her long hair. "Maybe we could just lie here together for a while," he suggested.
Meredith looked at him quizzically. It was unusual for him to decide against sex, particularly in the last couple days.
Derek smiled at her and kissed her forehead, reading her thoughts perfectly. "I'm sure that I'll get a chance to make love to you tonight," he explained. "For now, I'm happy just to lie here on the dock with you in my arms."
"Okay," she whispered. She snuggled close against him and rested her head against his chest. They both closed their eyes, basking in the warm radiance of the sun and listening to the serene sounds of their environment.
Derek continued toying with her hair, lazily stroking the soft strands and gently twisting them around his index finger. The dock wasn't exactly the most comfortable place he had ever stretched out on, but it provided a much needed escape from the memories haunting him in the house. Here he was momentarily at peace, and they both gradually drifted towards sleep, content and secure.